“There's a nuclear holocaust,
I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?”
“Eh.” At first glance,
Monica and Chandler are extremely unlikely candidates
for true love. They start the show
in very different places, romantically. Chandler is afraid of commitment, while Monica yearns
for marriage and children. “Oh, look, twins.
Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.” “No fair. I don't even have one.
How come they get two?” Their earliest meetings couldn’t
have gone worse: Chandler called Monica fat, “I just don't want to be stuck here
all night with your fat sister.” and Monica was indirectly responsible
for Chandler losing part of a toe. “I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!”
“Yeah, well, I miss the tip!” After this disastrous start, the two remained just friends
for almost a decade. But after years of knowing each other, Monica and Chandler hook up
at a moment of mutual insecurity. “Y’know what’s weird?”
“What?” “This doesn’t feel weird!”
“I know.” They discover that
their sexual chemistry is insane— and even crazier,
that having sex doesn’t change how they feel about each other
as people. Ultimately, Monica and Chandler became
each other’s life partners not because they were soulmates, but because they were just
really good friends. “I mean two best friends
falling in love, how often does that happen?”
“Not that often!” Throughout their friendship, courtship,
and eventual marriage, Monica and Chandler also make fun
of each other. “You know, it’s funny. I’ve been practicing
the art of seduction myself! Hya!” “You might wanna keep practicing.” Bickering sitcom couples are
nothing new, but their humor often suggests
a barely masked hostility. We’re often left wondering, “Why do these two even stay together
if they hate each other?” “Hate you.”
“Hate you more.” But that’s not the case
with Monica and Chandler. Through all the pranks and zingers,
there’s always an undercurrent of genuine affection
and positive regard to their relationship
that just makes it work. “We look at you and-
and we see you together and it just… It- It fits. Y’know? And you just know
it’s gonna last forever.” So here’s our Take
on what makes Monica and Chandler different from all those other
sparring sitcom couples— and how their mocking each other
connects to loving each other. “You’re watching”
“The Take.” “Thanks for watching
and be sure to share and subscribe.” A huge thank you to Brilliant
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an annual premium subscription. “What, am I not boyfriend material?” “Well, no. You’re Chandler.
Y'know, Chandler!” Monica and Chandler’s relationship
doesn’t look like the kind of will-they-or-won’t-they romance
that TV loves. And this was by design. Friends writer Scott Silveri
told Vulture that Chandler and Monica were
always intended to be the exact opposite of Ross and Rachel. “If someone’s too high drama,
you look for someone stable,” Silveri said. “And so with Monica and Chandler,
we decided to roll out in a way that was a reaction
to the last big relationship.” That began with keeping it casual. As Silveri notes,
the writers didn’t necessarily think Monica and Chandler would be in it
for the long haul. “You and l, we're just nothing.
Just goofing around.” But the audience response
to their hooking up was so huge, the show couldn’t ignore it. Still, even after the show decided
to keep them together, Monica and Chandler’s romance
remained low-key— certainly never as dramatic
as Ross and Rachel, whose relationship was
an endless cycle of break-ups and reconciliations,
weddings and divorces, and so many dramatic scenes
at the airport. “Please stay,
I am so in love with you.” Ross and Rachel were always linked
by destiny, even in their friends’ minds,
and so their relationship was often at the center of the show—
and the group. “See, he's her lobster.” But Monica and Chandler initially keep
their relationship a secret, specifically to avoid
that kind of display and scrutiny. “The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make
a big deal out of it.” And not wanting to disrupt
the natural order of things extends to how they behave with each other. Even after Monica and Chandler
start dating officially, their dynamic barely changes. This is most evident in the way
they continue making fun of each other. “Why is your family Scottish?”
“Why is your family Ross?” From the very beginning, Chandler openly mocks
Monica’s neat freak tendencies, her controlling nature,
and her competitive streak. “Someone’s left a glass
on the coffee table. There’s no coaster.
It’s a cold drink, it’s a hot day. Little beads of condensation
are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood…”
“Stop it!” Monica jokes about
Chandler’s lack of emotional maturity, his physical weakness,
and his failures with other women. “You always see
these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys,
you could be one of those guys.” “You could do that!” We’ve long heard that boys will make fun of
or tease a girl they really like, using humor as a way to mask
their true feelings. It’s a common playground practice
that can actually be harmful— “We're all encouraged...no, programmed…
to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk…
that means he likes you.” It teaches women to settle for men
who don’t really like them as people. And pickup artists have since weaponized this
into negging, subtly insulting a woman
you’re interested in to make her feel vulnerable
and bring her down to your level. But Chandler isn't negging Monica,
or vice versa. Mocking is just
how these friends communicate— they are, after all, on a sitcom. Almost nothing is off limits, “She- she- she's hurting me.” “I know what you need,
you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross,
what is Ben doing after preschool?” Researchers have found that some playful mocking
actually strengthens bonds, while many studies have found that
a little light roasting is even good for building camaraderie
in the workplace. “Stanley, you crush your wife during sex
and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted.” When it comes to romance, a 2018 study at Martin Luther University
of Halle-Wittenberg found that people who are scared of being laughed at
often report more dissatisfaction with their relationships, and are more likely
to mistrust their partners. Because Monica and Chandler are friends
who laugh with—and even at each other— their relationship story is already
off to a strong start. “You are so great, I love you.” Behavioral scientist Peter McGraw
theorizes that all humor, from tickling to TikToks,
stems from a benign violation. “A violation occurs
when a situation threatens the way that you believe the world ‘ought’ to be,”
he says. “Simply put, something seems wrong.” When Chandler mocks Monica
for being controlling or demanding, he’s pointing out
her violation of norms: This is not how a person ought to be. “Once there was a dirty car
in front of the building, so I washed it.”
“And?” “And six others.”
“There you are.” But Chandler’s joking also says
that her violation of norms is benign. It’s okay that she’s this way. “They can say that
you're high maintenance, but it's okay,
because I like maintaining you.” There is a sense of safety
that comes from a place of familiarity, based on their years of friendship. When Al and Peg Bundy trade insults,
there is an undercurrent of resentment: They feel as though they are stuck
with a person they don’t even really like. “Peg, if your father didn’t lace
that lemonade with vermouth, I’d still be single!” But Chandler accepted Monica long ago— and this acceptance differs
from all his other relationships. Chandler is often shown to be
extraordinarily picky when it comes to dating. “All right, don't get hung up on it,
quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser…
Big head, big head, big head!” Before Monica, he would harp
on one tiny character flaw until the whole relationship unraveled. “And she gets
this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!” Notably, Chandler would always joke about
these flaws to his friends. “You name one woman that
you broke up with for an actual real reason.” “Maureen Rosilla.” “‘Cause she doesn’t hate Yanni is not
a real reason.” But he wouldn’t joke about these things
with the woman. Instead, he would just break up with her,
or force her to break up with him. He would travel
halfway around the world, just to avoid confronting her directly. “No, I want to see you take off!” “Well then I guess I’m going to Yemen!
I’m going to Yemen!” The fact that, once Chandler is
in a relationship with Monica, he can still joke about her flaws—
and do it directly to her face— is proof that Chandler is
exceptionally comfortable with her. What’s more, Monica can dish it
as good as she can take it, creating a safe space
for these benign violations to occur. “Is that why you became a chef?
So that people would like you?” “Oh, you really want to talk about
getting people to like you huh, funny man?” Monica and Chandler are also shown
to be huge fans of pranks. “You go back out there
and you seduce her till she cracks!” Many of
their biggest relationship milestones revolve around them: They declare their love for each other
at the end of a prank war with Phoebe and Rachel. “I love you, Monica.”
“I love you too, Chandler.” Chandler’s marriage proposal begins
as a prank, with Chandler trying
to throw Monica off in order to catch her by surprise. “Why would anybody want
to get married?” “Why? To celebrate the relationship.
To solidify the commitment. To declare your love for one another
to the world.” “Eh.” It ends with Monica turning the tables
back on him. “You wanted it to be a surprise.” Even their decision to have children
starts as Monica just messing with Chandler, “This is going to be fun.
Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
I think we should try to have a baby.” only for Chandler to call her bluff. “But you said you were ready too.” “Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice
all high and weird like mine is now!” There is a continuous sense
of playfulness throughout, even around the most momentous decisions
of their lives. It’s one that we’ve come to recognize
in other classic sitcom couples who laugh together—
and even at each other— but always with a safety net. “I mean, I don’t know what it is but-”
“Be honest.” “I now find you repulsive.”
“That’s honest. Alright, fair enough.” This is key to the longevity
of a relationship, because it establishes security. Jokes create space
for expressing feelings that seem scary to say out loud. “Hi, I’m Chandler.
I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.” And we see that almost every one
of Monica and Chandler’s biggest emotional breakthroughs have
a little mocking edge to them. “You freaked out big time! Okay?
And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy,
irrational screw up!” It’s just the way
that Monica and Chandler tell each other that, no matter what,
everything will be okay. Monica and Chandler’s
love story demonstrates what psychologist Carl Rogers called
“unconditional positive regard.” If a person feels supported,
without judgment, Rogers theorized, anyone has the power to overcome
their feelings of inadequacy. In a relationship guided
by unconditional positive regard, one person becomes a floor
that the other can’t fall below. And that firm footing gives them
the ability to grow and change. “Any surprises that come our way, it’s okay,
because I will always love you.” “I was just lying there and I couldn’t wait
to just go hang out with my friends. But with you... I was, you know,
already with a friend.” As we see from the beginning, Monica and Chandler are
both deeply insecure people. Chandler hides behind humor
as a defense mechanism, “He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there
when- when the laughter stops.” and he acts like someone who thinks love will always decay
into something toxic. Monica maintains
a neurotic control over her life, and acts like someone who doesn’t believe
anyone could ever truly love her. “I'm never gonna find
a boyfriend again.” They’re damaged— and like most damaged people,
it all stems from their parents. “This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad
this day would never come.” Monica was never the favorite
in her family. “That's because
as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the prince.” Her parents’ obvious preference
for Ross, combined with how she was treated
for being overweight, created a person who’s obsessively competitive
and desperate to please. “Dr. Miller? P, E, C, F, D.”
“Very good Monica!” When a bet with Joey and Chandler
forces her to trade apartments, Monica has a meltdown
over her loss of domain. “I’m the hostess! Not those guys!
I’m always the hostess!” And this fear stems
from her deeply ingrained insecurity: If Monica’s not hosting, some part of her thinks
she won’t be invited. These feelings are stirred up for her
again at Ross’s wedding, where Monica is left demoralized
by her mother. “I only hope my wedding looks
this good. “I just hope…” “(Angrily)
You can let some of them go by!” And significantly,
it’s at this moment that she first decides to sleep
with Chandler. “Oh my God,
you were so depressed when Ross got married
that you slept with Chandler!” “I don’t care, she slept with me.” Insecurity is also behind Monica’s
other most significant relationship, with the much older Richard Burke. Well, that and other things. “Dr. Burke is sexy?”
“Oh god, absolutely.” As one of her parents’ friends, Richard gives her
the unconditional positive regard they never did. “Look, this is the best relationship
I've been in.” “Oh, please! A relationship?”
“Yes, a relationship!” Still, their relationship is steeped
in constant uncertainty. Their age gap never stops
being an issue. “Uh, you guys see me as a dad?”
“Oh yeah.” “No!”
“Nooo.” And then there’s the fact that Richard and Monica aren’t
on the same page when it comes to having children. “I want to have a baby, but I don’t want to have one
with someone who really doesn’t have one.” When Richard reappears
several years later to tell Monica he wants her back,
she seems to consider it—but again, it’s in terms of her own insecurity. “Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I- I should be with a grown-up,
do you know what I mean?!” Significantly, she chooses Chandler, letting go of her ideas
about what love should be, in favor of their messier, but ultimately
more fulfilling connection. “I never thought I would be so lucky… as to… fall in love
with my best… my best… There’s a reason
why girls don’t do this!” Chandler’s self-esteem and feelings
about love were also cemented at an early age. His romance novelist mother made
love and sex seem dangerous. “Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool
if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around
page 79 of Mistress Bitch.” His dad coming out
and leaving the family created fears of abandonment
and only deepened his mistrust. So whenever someone expresses
love for Chandler, he’s always looking for
the other shoe to drop. “So, I guess this is over.”
“What?” “Well, y'know, you and me,
it had to end sometime.” And these fears and trust issues are
the root of Chandler’s sarcasm. “When my parents got divorced is
when I started using humor as a defense mechanism.” When Chandler first gets together
with Monica, he’s feeling demoralized, too. His wedding toast bombs. “I mean to think, my friend getting married
in Monty Hall. Ohh, come on! Monty Hall!
Let’s make a Deal!” His humor is the one thing
that got him attention and appreciation —and it fails him. And it’s Monica
who gives him the positive regard he so desperately needs. “I was laughing.”
“Out loud?” “Well I didn’t want everyone
to think I was stupid.” In fact, Monica and Chandler go
to great lengths to not judge each other—
like when Monica indulges what she mistakenly thinks is
Chandler’s fetish for shark porn. “This is how much I love you.” Or when Chandler finds
Monica’s secret closet and this revelation of her foibles is
something he enjoys about her. “He-he-he-he-he. You're messy.”
“No, you weren't supposed to see this!” “I married Fred Sanford!” Contrast this with Ross and Rachel, whose entire relationship is
steeped in judgment: who wronged each other first,
who hurt each other more— a perpetual tallying of grievances that leaves their relationship
forever unbalanced. “We are so over!”
“(crying) FINE BY ME!” But Monica and Chandler have
a perfect equanimity, no matter what. “You opened all the presents
without me?! I thought we were supposed
to do that together!” “You kissed another woman!”
“Call it even?!” “Okay!” They meet each other where they are,
accepting each other as flawed messes— which allows them to grow
into better, stronger people together. Chandler starts out as a sad clown who seems destined to drive
everyone else away. “Just seems as though
that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as
a way of keeping people at a distance.” And he grows into a loving husband,
father, and son— even reconciling with his trans dad. “Actually Monica and I are engaged. We’d really love it
if you could be there.” “We?” He quits his soul-crushing job
and finds fulfillment in a more creative field,
all with the support of his wife. “I have looked through
a bunch of career guides, photocopied
and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders
so you can make an informed decision. Monica begins
as a controlling, neurotic Type A with a very specific plan for her career, marriage,
and motherhood. While she’s with Chandler,
she finally gets that dream job. “I LOVE MY NEW JOB!”
“Honey, you're screaming.” “YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM!” But more importantly, she grows into someone
who’s able to weather uncertainty— a long-distance marriage
and her own infertility, eventually even choosing to leave the city
for a quieter life in the suburbs. “A street where our kids can
ride their bikes… and maybe
an ice-cream truck can go by.” Over the course of the show, she and Chandler grow
into two stable adults, who are ready to take on anything,
together. “We’re so lucky.” A close friendship doesn’t always lead
to lasting romance— just look at Rachel and Joey. Despite having mutual respect,
a long shared history, and the ability to laugh
and play with each other, they can never quite seem
to transcend their roles as just friends. “Well, how come
Monica and Chandler could do it?” “I guess they weren’t
as good a friends as we are.” Clearly there’s something unique
to Monica and Chandler’s dynamic— a friction that was expressed
through mockery and teasing. And this continues to be their spark. “Well, I think it's safe to say that
our friendship is effectively ruined.” “Eh, we weren't that close anyway.” From Monica and Chandler
we can learn that It’s important to meet people
where they actually are in a relationship,
not where you want them to be. “You know when I said that I want you to deal
with relationship stuff all on your own?
Well, you're not ready for that.” “I didn't think I was!”
We also see that laughter is often
what holds a relationship together. Finding someone
you feel comfortable joking with— and being comfortable
with joking about each other— can make you both feel more secure. “You look cute in bubbles.”
“Nah, you're just all liquored up.” But there’s a difference
between teasing and cruelty, and someone who really loves you will drop the jokes
when you need genuine support. “I called you fat?!
I don't even remember that!” “Well, I do.”
“I am so sorry. I really am.” Most importantly, we see that
we can’t change our partners. We can only make space
for them to grow and offer
our unconditional positive regard while they do. And we can remind them
that it’s okay to laugh at ourselves “So you can balloon up
or you can shrink down and I will still love you.” If you’re new here,
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