First Act of Yousuf (AS) | 5 Steps On Creating a Loving Family | Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

so um some time ago um this is when I was in I was still in my 20s so we're talking about 1837 uh I was in New York and I was teaching Sunday school and uh I'm sure many of you have uh been to prison I mean Sunday school before too and so I was teaching Sunday school and we had I had the the 11 12 year old kids and the Masid didn't have like different rooms they had those partitions right and there was the teenagers on the other side and the teenager the teacher for the teenagers was a little bit late so they were talking to each other and we're I'm trying to teach so we all I just decided guys don't worry about teaching let's just listen to the teenage kids so we were just eavesdropping on the teenagers then their teacher showed up and he said sit down sit down and they all sit down and then the teacher says to them I I want to know what is the most amazing story you ever heard that's what he asked the kids teenagers and everybody sort of started participating answering Dragon Ball transformers this is ancient so yeah and then you know uh X-Men and you know and people started mentioning certain video games that have a really good storyline and and they started arguing with each other about which story is better and which is not that happened and the teacher was not expecting any of this he said no no no no no it's the story of Yu Allah subhah says we're telling you the best story Allah says it's the best story and the kids are like oh yeah the problem with that it's still it's etched in my mind that experience because the kids are accepting the stories of the Quran as the best because they're being told to accept them as the best it's not because they feel that they're the best but when you tell them hey there's a new movie coming out or there's a new did you watch the new series did you see the new release did you there's an excitement there's a oh my god did you see that story oh my God the plot twist at the end oh it's the final episode already out you know and so I felt like something is deeply missing yes we can have and we can have you know for and we can have we can have all that stuff but one of the things that every society in history has passed down generation after generation is actually stories right even even children's songs are basically stories right and stories are so powerful in human history that they are a trillions of dollars of Industry everything from novels to comic books to manga to you know to to anime to action films to TV series all of that that is what in the end and stories and stories are so powerful that even in journalism the editor has to make the news event storyboarded and present it like a story for it to make sense they can't just just tell the news they have to turn it into a story and the Quran the final communication from God to humanity Allah decided that he's going to he could have communicated his wisdom to us any way he chose he's the owner of all knowledge all knowledge and he decides to take one of the most make one of the most fundamental pieces of the way the Quran delivers its message one of its most core components is the telling of stories it's it's fundamental to the Quran and it's not just the telling of the story because Allah isn't just interested in telling you what happened he tells it in a really compelling beautiful beautiful thought-provoking way now what's the purpose of a story when somebody goes and watches it on Netflix or Amazon or HBO or you know when somebody watches a a short film or I some people still go to the theater I don't know but when they go um and they watch a movie what what is the reason for which you want to watch a movie entertainment escape from reality or sometimes it's very gently commenting on your reality in some way right so some people are watching something emotional on the TV screen they're like like why are you crying just the painter they're pain actor that's saline anyway so the the the the point that I'm making is stories are a a massive form of entertainment the Quran does not want to dismiss that because the fact that a story should actually be compelling to get your attention it has to have some level of entertainment in it it has to if it's not interesting to you you won't it won't get your attention so it's not like I can say oh the Quran stories have no entertainment in them that's incorrect actually the quran's stories have no dramatic elements in them that's also incorrect but the Quran stories have something all the time every time with every piece of the story there's something there that is just not there in any other story you know what that is there's something to take for your life in every part of the story there's something about something in that story in it it's actually talking about you it's it's touching on you in some way and myself in some way so what I wanted to do if there were kids here I was going to take a different approach but since you're you know grown kids um I'm going to still tell you some parts of a story just very small piece of a story but I want you to just pay attention to how Allah tells it how Allah tells it and this is this is personally one of my favorite stories in the Quran I've talked about it a million times so I'm I'm kind of still debating I maybe I'll take a vote either I'll share with you a scene just a scene [Music] from the one of the one of the stories or scenes from M either that one or for one small scene from the life of yfam so you could pick show show of hands for Musa show of hands for Yousef all right you people have a problem okay let me let me tell you why you like the story of Yousef so much let let me just help you out I love the story of YF alisam YF Alam went through so much hardship just like me and he had so many people in his own family that were so jealous of him I know what that feels like I know exactly what he was going through because I don't know why everybody's so jealous of me all the time I don't even do anything wrong and I feel like I'm the one that gets thrown under the bus thrown in the jail everybody's always criticizing me God you love the story of YF alisam not you your your your neighbor from Ohio um they they love the story of YF Alam because it allows them to celebrate being a victim because now just like money is currency crypto is currency being a victim is also currency and you can actually make a whole being a victim can be a whole identity I'm going to make a video about my trauma and uh this time I'm going to talk about the trauma and what it does to your driving and tomorrow I'll make a video about how trauma affects brushing your teeth if you're really that traumatized how do you have the time to color correct the camera and then on top of the celebration of being a victim there's there's another interesting thing that's happened especially in the Muslim scene you guys don't do this people in Ohio do this you guys don't do this um yeah yeah not Wisconsin either okay so so you know what they do they'll take a picture of themselves while making Dua or while while crying looking up at the sky who was holding the camera and then they'll do it and they'll put a meme underneath when when you only have Allah to turn to remember Surah Yu hash Surah YF you know what that's become we all have pain in our life but social media has given us an opportunity to broadcast our pain broadcast it to the world that's what it's done so what I'm going to share with you a little bit is something about that maybe I'll share two things with you but at least one for starters from the story of YF alisam uh and that has to do with the first scene of the story of YF alisam YF alisam comes to his father at the opening of the story in the Quran and he says my fa my beloved father basically saying like Dad I love you I saw 11 Stars the Sun and the Moon I saw them doing Saga prostrating before me okay who did he tell this to his father okay and he started by saying dad I love you everything in the Quran is significant do you guys accept that everything in the Quran there's no extra information in the Quran in fact I want you to remember this part properly the the conversation I'm having with you right now I've been speaking for 5 seven minutes if you made a transcript of it it would be three four pages already you know that three four pages the life of ibraim alam is well over a 100 years okay and if you were documenting every conversation he ever had in his life how big would that be do you understand it would be millions of pages you understand that in the Quran the entire life of ibraim Allah chose certain moments that amount to a handful of pages which actually amounts to a handful of minutes 10 15 minutes 20 minutes 30 30 minutes of his life are in the Quran you with me 30 minutes of his life and even when I say YF said to his father my dad I saw 11 Stars the Sun and the Moon I saw them making s how much time did that take to say few seconds 10 15 seconds that sentence is done it's over Allah did not give us their lives Allah gave us seconds from their life you understand this so now Allah chose from those seconds what he decided to keep is after rejecting a lot of their history a lot of their story did not make it to the Quran so the final cut that makes it into the Quran every part of it is significant do you understand I'm getting at okay now if you understand that then the fact that he says it's as if you say my beloved and respected father that's what the first statement is my beloved and respected father I know nobody speaks like this not not anymore right we don't say my beloved and respected father or we don't but I'll give you the you know the the the the United States equivalent of dad I love you so he didn't just say Dad he said said Dad I love you by the way if you would just want to say Dad you could just say yeah Abby in fact even if he didn't say Dad if he just said I saw 11 Stars the Sun and the Moon and he never mentioned his dad calling his dad the statement would still be understood when Yousef said to his father I saw 11 Stars so the fact that Allah mentioned dad I love you my beloved respected father is a choice Allah made for every believer to contemplate this is significant okay so let's ask this question I've asked this question in I would say about 50 cities around the world now this same question I'm about to ask you how many people were raised hearing from their dad that he loves them for no reason at all just randomly he just says son I love you bet I love you byy I love you I love you I love you I love you just a regular thing show of hands yeah you're about the same statistics as the rest of the um and please make note of whoever raised their hand so we can scratch their car on the way [Laughter] outz you know what happens in many families before but it might be confusing to some of you I'm saying hey how many dads you remember your dad saying he loves you all the time for no reason but actually I should be asking how many kids were saying it cuz the story is not about a dad saying it the story is about a a kid saying it but actually kids copy what they hear you see viral videos online of kids using foul language right little little two-year-old saying what the beep and it's millions of views where did that kid learn to speak like that where did he get it he's pointing at his [Laughter] dad Instagram okay you learn it from from adults so if youu a child is saying to his dad dad I love you where do you imagine he learned that from from his dad very good so his dad says YF I love you give me some water Yousef I love you come sit with me youf I love you it's time to go to bed youf I love you it's cold outside wear something warm Yousef I love you come here sit with me youf I love you your mother's calling you Yousef I love you close the window Yousef I love you Yousef I love you Yousef I love you and what does Yousef learn to do dad I love you dad I love you dad I love you anything dad I love you he just he responds but of course we now the this is in the it's in the Quran so it's clearly guidance for you and me and perhaps the first guidance we're getting is families and by the way this is not just about father and son this is about all loving relationships all of them perhaps one of the lessons that we're getting out of this story from the very opening is that a family has to be one in which love is expressed you actually have to let someone know you love them and it doesn't have to just be from the words I love you it could just it could be something like I miss you it could be something like sit next to me it could be something like you know I haven't seen you for so long and my you know it just makes me happy to see you happy loving words I'm proud of you I'm so happy for you something something kind and you know what that's really hard to do for family members for pakistanis no for everybody it's hard in fact many parents none of them here all of them in Ohio many parents will sing the Praises of their children to everyone else my son oh he went to University of Michigan graduated in three years and he will they'll talk they'll talk up their kid their son their daughter oh my son mallah my daughter does this for me she does everything she does every and then the daughter comes home what have you ever done with your life you think you've ever done anything the daughter herself will never hear kind words about herself everybody else will hear them though everybody else will hear them in fact you'll and the daughter will daughter will never even know the son will never even know they're that nice in their absence like it's like reverse right but that sometimes sometimes you get a glimpse of it when you go to a wedding together right when you go to a wedding together you have to look like a happy family right so you could be fighting on your way to the wedding hall okay we're getting the cameras are onum this is my son so of [Laughter] here uh and even the son is like are you proud of me I'm confused YF alisam is teaching us and his father is teaching us something amazing you have to be able to express love by the way in some families expressing love is um is is a paid service you don't get it free you got to do something for it if you do this then your father will make Dua for you you want it or not you want your mom's love and the only time you might get a hug or a pat on the shoulder or I'm proud of you if you give some money if you do what they told you to do if you gave up what you wanted if you basically handed control over in some way that's when you might get a glimpse of love and it feels so good for those 3 seconds that you felt loved they're like I'm going to enslave myself psychologically to my parents for the rest of my life because that felt so good but they don't give it to you all the time they'll take it away again they'll take it away again and then the next time they need to exert control they'll say if you want love you better do what I'm saying and then you you hand so it's it's not it's not a free service it comes at a price so we love we hold love hostage the the the way I'm going to explain this to you this might sound familiar to some of you but I'm going to walk you through this the opening of Surah yusf is actually telling us how to love family how to love family and I like to think that as a close friend of mine in Virginia he and I have been discussing this a couple of years ago and we came up with a way to understand this subject broken up into five parts so I'm going to give you those five parts okay the first one I kind kind of already talked to you about you have to use words that express love and you know sometimes when you don't tell your son or your brother or your sister or your wife or your husband that you love them you don't say it you just don't say it or even if you say it it's artificial right then eventually they explode you never even say you love me well of course I love you I pay the bills so obviously I love you I'm still tolerating your existence [Laughter] so you don't say it but that's just one to express love with words here's the second and the the most important one will be the fifth but we'll get we'll build up to it the second one is going to be doing something for the one you love serving them if you massage your mother's feet if you help clean up the snow which is a Michigan problem we get that sometimes in text you do that good good you you you helped out in know without even being asked right and some some some people in Ohio they have this problem some moms have this problem in Ohio it's crazy those mothers in Ohio they're psychotic you know what they do they're yeah oh say Ohio in the house yeah yes good you people have a problem let me tell you okay okay by the way when I come to Ohio I'll pick on Michigan don't worry so you know you know what they do you have a mom while she's making breakfast for you she's tearing you apart you're why did I have such a lazy child why did you ever why don't you ever do anything right why are you sitting like that why can't you be more like your sister nak like a and she's just you're sitting there waiting for her to make your breakfast and she's going at you she's tearing you apart psychologically with her words and you're sitting there thinking why am I even alive why do I exist why nobody loves me I have no one my mother hates me so much and then eat your eggs you look skinny what because the the eggs the Pata the whatever you that's an act of Love isn't it so the words have so much resentment and anger and even hate in them but the service is service of love and it's like a confusing message okay give me a hug before you [Laughter] go so for some people in their head in some Ohio mother's head so long as I do service I can use cruel words I don't have to use kind words loving words because my love is not expressed from words my love is expressed at the laundry machine my love is expressed at the kitchen my love is expressed when I clean up after you my love is expressed in these other ways or my love is already expressed because I gave you birth so I already did my expression now it's time for you to do the Payback right so that yeah crazy right don't move to Ohio okay so that's the second so there's two there's words and there's service and then of course there's gifts right and Gifts the the idea behind gifts is you know you gift somebody you know at Eid or you know for no reason you give them a gift it's an expression of love it brings Joy to the heart but then sometimes when you do something for someone somebody feels like I don't have to do anything to serve you in any way I don't have to use kind words all I all I have to do is what give gifts that's good enough that's good enough I can buy Your Love by the way I I I'll talk about uncomfortable things because it's okay I'm leaving um there are many there are many divorces in the Muslim Community and and sometimes there are divorces in families that have children and a lot of times in the court system in the United States it's a little it it's more than a little skewed so nine out of 10 times you'll get moms that get the custody of the child and the and the the the the child sees his dad on the weekends or every other weekend there's a schedule for them to see their child right and a lot of times those are good Mothers they don't disparage their father even though they it didn't the marriage didn't work between them but they understand that the relationship ship that this child has with their father is something sacred and they shouldn't tamper with it other women don't see it that way other women weaponize their children against their father so the 90% of the week the child is with the mom and the mom is kind of filling their head with how your dad left us your dad abandoned us your dad doesn't care about us it was never us it was just you lady but you want to make it feel like it was us and then you fill that in the kid's head and then the one weekend he's going to his dad the the kid already says why should I even spend time with you you left us and the dad then feels like my kids who loved me so much all of a sudden they don't even look at me the same way I got to do something about this so what does the dad do he picks them up goes straight to the mall straight to the mall whatever you want which sneakers do you want you want a new backpack for your school do you want a new phone where should we go you want to go to Six Flags you want to go on a trip you want to go to you going go to Florida why would you go to Florida anyway go to Florida you want to go anywhere what do you want to do this weekend let's have fun this weekend and the dad is throwing money at these kids because he's like this is the only weekend I have to earn some love back from these children and he's just pouring money in and he's hoping that this will be enough for them to see that I love you through gifts right through gifts and at the end of that weekend he'll say okay just remember uh kiddo you know text you sometimes just text me back just say Salam I'll just say Salam just sayum Salam that's all I ask is he going to get a text back no because the dad has now been reduced to a cash register so and then 10 years of doing that and the kid will turn back to you and say you think all those gifts mean something I don't mean anything so dads that are doing that and I I understand your feeling why you're doing it but I also understand that you're making a mistake that's not the basis of love it's important gifts are important but gifts are all you're relying on is a problem so for some people gifts are everything right some some some kids aren't getting along with their parents because there's no there's no kindness in their words you know there's there a roughness in them and then when there's a roughness oh yeah I don't love you turn the water on in the kitchen you see that water running that's your eat present you see see the car outside you see this who paid your tuition who did this who did that let me remind you of my gifts to you so you know to be in your place I mentioned three so far which three words service and gifts and by the way all three of those things are beautiful I mentioned ugly situations for them because they can be misused but all three in the in and of themselves are beautiful things here's a fourth one affection a hug a hand over the shoulder carrying the child loving them when they're when they're crying there's two options you know young mothers they're mothers for the first time they don't have that much experience so when the baby's like be quiet B the kids see oh you think you think that was loud let me show you loud lady and he gets louder and eventually the mom says Qui and then I I see the the the the Raging loving mom she's confused about ra between rage and love she's putting her baby to sleep she's like and the kid like okay fine the the the loving mom does this the Raging mom the kid like I see it too anyway affection a hug putting an arm over somebody's shoulder walking with someone holding their hand signs of affection and you know what in many families it's not normal in many families for example you can hug your mama but you don't hug your baba baba comes home Alum like the general just came just avoid eye contact right so there's four now and by the way for some people they think so long as there's affection there don't need to be kind words they don't need to be any service they don't need to be any gifts because what's already there affection you go to your brother and say bro you said something really mean the other I just give me a hug bro you still have a problem I think affe affection will solve the problem but what does all of this have to do with s YF it's the fifth one and I want to share that with you because and before I do I want to give you a fair honest warning we love our family members and we want to give them uh the best of our love and sometimes we give our children our spouses our parents we give them words of love we give them service we give them gifts and we give them affection all four check check check check everything and I'm telling you all four will be multiplied by zero if you don't have number five if you if you have all four perfectly and you don't have number five it doesn't count you will not have a healthy relationship with anybody so what is this crazy number five I call it space I call it what space I'm I'm not referring to buzz Lighty year you know but let me just explain what I mean by that by giving you a couple of examples of space okay I'll first pick on uh I I picked on the ladies yesterday let me pick gu it's okay you can you can handle it uh let's just let's just say there's a girl named zanab who's got an older sister and Zab got a marriage proposal and she's thinking about the marriage proposal but she wants to talk to her older sister Fatima if there's a Zab in the audience and a FAA in the audience do apologies okay so Zab goes to who Fatima and she says to FAA hey um f can I talk to you for a second and here's Fatima huh yeah what is it you know that proposal from Abdul Karim sorry Abdul Karim yeah I'm really thinking about it but I'm confused cuz his his beard I don't know if it's too long or not long enough I don't know and faa's like mhm yeah whatever yeah oh my God and zanab says to F zanab says can you just can you put that down for a second I just can you just talk to me for a second I'm listening I can listen and do this at same time it's called multitasking you should try it sometime Z says please FAA just please just one minute and here here's FAA for you go ahead now the problem with that zanab came to Fatima asking for what I would call that space don't confuse space with attention right now you're paying attention to what I'm saying I think that doesn't mean you're giving me space Here's what space means I can tell you what's important to me I can tell you what's important to me and you will listen to it as if it is important to you and you will respond not in a way that you want in a way that pleases you you will respond in a way that cares for me my concern my worry my happiness my joy my fear for those moments became yours you took them on I trust you so much that I can share something so personal so intimate so private so scary so happy with you that I know when I shared with you I'm sharing it with someone who I'm perfectly safe with they are safe to give me their space it's not the same as paying attention you can pay attention to the police officer who pulls you over after speeding you're not giving him space but you are paying attention so don't confuse this with attention now let's take another scenario how many married men here this one goes out to you fellas you and I got to talk you go on a road trip with your wife no children just you and the wife just you and the wife and the thing with that is the thing with that is you're driving you're looking at the road you're looking through rear viw mirror you're looking she ain't looking at none of that she's looking straight at you and you can tell there's like there's a laser beam kind of you can see feel a burning sensation on the side of your face but you can't but anyway that's because here's the thing guys she did something the night before she insulted your mother in some indirect way or she said something like well you know that's just how you were raised right she made a comment like that it wasn't so direct but it hurt but you didn't say anything but it's here and you're driving and the thing with guys we can speak personally it's okay let's pretend they're not listening the thing with us is we can't hide it we're really bad at that so if something's bothering you and you're driving it shows on your face and she has made her career reading your face so now you're driving and she's doing what problem detected so then when her scan is complete she asks you one of the most dangerous questions you've ever experienced in your life what you thinking every man here knows who's married that question that that question like if there's one thing that reminds you of Mal it is that question that question okay so she says what you and now you're thinking should I should I say what I what I'm thinking should I say hey last night you said this comment about how I was raised and it really hurt my feelings and I just I would never say something like that to you and I just didn't expect it and I just I'm just so you know like why would you say something like that you could say that but you're like nah I choose life so you say oh the project at work it's so much oh my God my boss the deadline right right but you haven't developed good acting skills yet so she she tells she can tell that the response you gave is invalid so she says you know you can tell me right you know you can tell me and you said no no no nothing nothing I said nothing what are you talking about and then she looks at you and she says oh she she does either one of two things okay she either becomes the okay or or the the I call the bad cop or the good cop let me just give you both scenarios here's the bad cop scenario but then I'll give you the the bad cop is oh you don't want to tell me fine fine no it's fine it's okay you don't have to tell me at all no no don't tell me let's play that game oh now this this is the point where you'll be like okay okay okay tell you everything but she has another not you women in Ohio that's not you okay it's you three or something okay so the other scenario is she says you know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says that I am your lias and you're my libas I should be able to share anything with you and feel like you listen and you should be able to share anything with me the prophet s. right and at the and she's saying it and like you know I thought marriage is going to be about trust and if you can't even trust me with what you're feeling then what's even the point I thought okay okay okay she's saying you can trust me I you can tell me anything it's fine I will listen I will give you space she's saying I just believe me I will give you space you're like okay all right so here's what happened yesterday you said that and you tell your story and then you're you're like okay I'm glad she gave me space I could tell her that that was that was easier than I thought [Laughter] stupid here's what's about to happen then you're like then you're driving in happiness but you notice that the you don't feel the laser beam but there's a certain cold temperature here all of a sudden and you notice that she's staring straight out the window she's not even looking at you she's looking at the endless nothingness that is Michigan uh right and she say so he looking at that and then you're like what uh say something say something and she'll say I'll say this in Udu first it's more fun what what can I say you just said you said everything already for me to say what's even the point now you know what I felt like when I married someone I would feel safe from them I can't believe you said that to me I hurt you what about me what about you know what you and your mother I've had enough just take me home just take I I don't even want to talk just don't even talk to me and you're driving you're like you just you just told me to say it's like she was saying step on the line mine step on it just step on it do it do it do it and you step on it and blows up and you're like I just I don't know how you convince me of this the reason I'm telling you this crazy story it comes back to Y I'll tell you how it's crazy uh the next time you're driving on a road trip with your wife and she says what's wrong or what you thinking what you going to do work stomach ache headache allergies the kids oh my parents you know the weather in South Africa you will come up with every answer except what what you're actually thinking and you know why because she taught you that she's not qualified to give you space so she's not the right person to to open up to because she makes it about herself what did I say about space when you give someone space it's not about you it's about them I was picking on you for no reason you they can do that I'm just giving a scenario right so this works both ways and this works between parents and children husband and wife wife and husband brother and sister this works in all kinds of relationships now the problem with this is let's talk about marriage for a second okay so it's been a couple of years where you didn't give she didn't give you space and by the way when someone doesn't give you space then you're not also able to give them space and when you're not able to find space in your life especially with your spouse then you feel incred lonely you feel it's a really lonely place to be you're married you're living under the same roof but you're really lonely and that's when Shan comes and says I can help with that and then depending on your social media platform you'll get a DM I will I will underscore give you uncore lots of space xx. o what are you going through you look like you're upset I can tell I can see the sadness in your profile picture really good observation because the profile picture was sadness but Allah can help and all of a sudden you're trying to find space in places that aren't meant for you by Allah's law by Allah's guidance because you didn't get Space where you were supposed to get it kids that didn't find space with their parents that they should be able to talk about anything on their mind anything at all anything that happened at school right they should be able to say it freely and they will the parents will listen to them as if they can embody the emotions of their child when they're listening to them see it from their perspective if they didn't develop that you can give your boy and your girl the best school which is a gift you can wash their clothes which is a service you can tell them I love you you can give you can give them all the hugs in the world but you fail to give them what space a time will come slowly that that space will be given by their friends then that space will be given by influencers online then that space will be given by other other other other other other other and they are sitting on the same dinner table as you and they are not there their soul isn't there it's somewhere else and the second they're done eating a single bite they say can I go can I go to my room can I go can I go can I go why they why do they want to go so bad why are they in their phone so bad cuz something or on that phone is giving them what space that they no longer find in their family everything looks Picture Perfect on the outside it's gone and then those kids when they're old enough when they're AG 17 18 when they're a little bit more independent all of a sudden I'm moving out I'm leaving yeah I don't feel like praying mom you can't tell me to pray anymore it triggers me but I put you in Islamic school you did hies yeah I didn't feel like doing it you didn't want to hear it I was really I was anxious every day I had anxiety every day I've been talking to a therapist you have a therapist yep I have a therapist but now I can tell you that because you can't legally say anything about it anymore you traumatized me with your Islamic education what I thought I was giving you a good life I thought I gave you a good education I tried to take care for you and all of a sudden all the the the words of love the service the you know the the gifts the affection all of it multiplied by what zero because what wasn't there from the beginning thought their space not space is not you telling them something space is when they tell you something when the boy comes to the father and says yeah now think about yuam for a second he was not in the company of his father for long was he where did he go from there he went from one traumatic situation to another traumatic situation to another traumatic situation and in all of those situations the people he was surrounded with you cannot characterize them as good company he has spent his entire formidable years his vulnerable years have been spent around Bad Company in fact his youth has been been sent inside a spend time a prison cell right and in a prison cell I'm pretty sure you don't have good company and yet he's holding on to his faith how what Islamic education what did he memorize Whata did he get what did he have that he's holding on to his faith in all of those bad environments it seems in early childhood when a child receives the right kind of space from a loving father and mother that that can carry over for the rest of their life this is the most important of all the point that even a child a child can even tell you what they're dreaming and they know that Dad will listen to it because it's important you know my my daughters when they were younger girls talk a lot uh in Ohio and in New York when I used to be in New York I when I would pick my girls up from school they wouldn't stop talking preschool girls won't stop talking girls do two things a lot they giggle a lot and they talk a lot and sometimes they do both at the same [Laughter] time so my girls this in the back you know what happened today I had a fight with Fatima and I took my friendship blet from her then I gave it to Z but we had to we made a new friend mam so we had to break the bracelet into two and now we have two braces but it's only a little bit of beads but then the third friend came and now we don't have enough bracelets so I don't know what to do and I'm keeping up with the bracelet geopolitics of the of the kindergarten I'm keeping up I'm keeping because they talk really fast and it's I got to keep up because I got to give them space right but you know eventually you tune out and when you tune out you just say uhuh yeah that's good mashallah yeah yeah alhamdulillah and these girls are so smart they know when you're just on autopilot so you're on autopilot yeah Mas they're like yeah when we go home I'm GNA poke my brother's eye and you're like masah good yeah yeah you do [Laughter] that the first the most important lesson I want to leave you with is do you actually find space in your closest relationships do you actually find that do you find that space with your siblings your mom your dad your brother your wife your husband your your children that are adults now some of you are older your children that are adults now do you find space with them or did they the moment the two words come out of your mouth they say oh here we go again you know what that means there is no what there's no space I don't want to leave you with this this what I wanted make sure you do after you leave here is you actually have real conversation about what your relationships look like because I want all of our relationships to improve all of them we all have troubles in our families we all have drama in no there's nobody who doesn't have drama in their family if you're sitting around saying why can't we have a normal family well Allah didn't even give prophets a normal family so calm downam had a psychotic wife ibraim alisam had a terrible father theam had horrible uncles who's got a normal yfam siblings Adam's kids one killed the other this is some pretty intense stuff what is Allah teaching us the best people can have very difficult what families the best people can have very difficult families so it's okay if you have family drama family difficulty but I I do want to give you one more piece from this story that has to do with space what what if you give all five all five but all five are rejected all five are rejected yam was a prophet right and he's a he's a Muslim he's a he's a prophet his kids are Muslim and he's telling his son son I love you I don't want to hear it just tell this to Yousef you don't love me just don't why you even bothering saying it to me son just just come here give me a hug no no no I don't need your hugs you know what who needs your hugs go hug Yousef we all know you love him better anyway why are you in pretending here son I made this gift for you yeah no you didn't make it for me what did Yousef did not like it is that why you're giving it to me son I'm trying to do something I don't need your help I don't need your service I don't need your words I don't need your gifts I don't need your affection son talk to me just tell me how you're why would I tell you how I feel I don't want to talk to you sh I talk to you no you hurt my mom's feelings that's a there's a backstory to that too I'll tell you one day they are rejecting everything that their father is giving them their father is giving them every every dimension of love but they built a wall they built a wall and that wall was so strong that y knew that he cannot get through to them so he had to tell his son watch out for them cuz even I can't get through to them so you know what they will do something that's out of my control what I'm trying to tell you is it's not always your fault what I'm trying to tell you is maybe you're doing everything you can but the other person has decided to what put up a wall and when they put up a wall if you're from many Muslim countries you are you have been programmed and conditioned to blame yourself every time you just blame yourself I must not be giving enough love must not be giving enough gifts I must not be doing enough service I must not be offering myself more so you keep laying yourself out in front of someone and they keep rejecting and rejecting and rejecting and you keep you keep chasing and they keep running you keep chasing and they keep running does that happen in Ohio yeah and when that happens what you have to realize is you you're only making the problem worse by chasing and you're losing your self-respect by chasing faing if you hurt someone's feelings and you have to apologize apologize but don't live in apology Allah asks for one sincere and he forgives and human beings want you to ask for their forgiveness life I said I'm sorry wasn't sorry enough and they keep wanting to they want you to live in Allah wants humility human beings want more s than Allah don't fall don't fall into emotional surren to other human beings even if you wronged someone sincerely apologize to them offer them the opportunity to make things right if they choose not to do that you did your part stop living in guilt that they built a wall stop living in guilt that you're not able to make things perfect don't do that and if you cannot if you don't take this advice the price you will pay and I pray none of you have to pay that price is that you'll end up just losing your self-respect or just you live your life trying to please somebody who can't be pleased make someone happy who can't be made Happy make someone love you who doesn't want to love you that's what you'll end up doing your whole life you'll be miserable and then a lot of people live like that and then they say but I'm making so much Dua that this person breaks their wall Allah is not answering my Dua then you come to speakers and say how come Allah doesn't answer certain duas I keep making so much Dua but it's not being answered I was like who are you trying to change and Allah is not changing why are your duas about changing someone else your duas should be about softening the heart towards Allah first yeah Allah guide yeah Allah guide when Allah guides somebody's heart all the other matters start getting sorted out but that's not up to us we cannot just wish someone's decisions away they have to take steps themselves right we have to we have to recognize that so I I I wanted to share that with you because every bit of a story in the Quran has an entire Treasure Trove behind it right and there's so much to learn from practically for our lives from the smallest of things from the smallest smallest of things now some of you are very inspired by today's discussion so you're going to call your dad right now and say my beloved father I saw myself eating samosas last night for dinner in my dream but by the way even if you just even if you just try this my beloved father on the phone with your dad you know what he would most likely do talk to your mother most likely do but I mean genuinely let's let's I I pray that Allah gives all of us genuine deep relationships in our family that protect us in every way that we that that that we should be protected Allah has given us in the Quran the instruction to have tawa of him and he's given us instruction to have TA of Family Ties those are Family Ties I have TA of Family Ties so the the same way in the same Ayah that we should be mindful and cautious of God we should be mindful and cautious of family ties and just like we don't want to do anything to hamper our relationship with Allah and if we messed up we fix it the same way we should do everything we can to preserve and to nurture our relationship with our loved ones and if we messed up we got to work on fixing it Allah give us all the ability to do that thank you so very much for listening today I have U an announcement to make unofficial unofficial but um I you guys you guys might know that I'm uh traveling quite a bit of the world uh my my my objective over the next 15 years is to complete a study of the entire Quran uh in the last 15 years I've been able to finish about half of that and the other half remains and the way I'm doing that for the next two years is I take a short Surah that I have not yet deeply studied uh and I with my team we spend about a couple of hundred hours studying a four page or three page Surah and then I do a lecture series on that Surah a deep dive it's called Quran week so I do it for seven nights in a row in a community so I did it the first one was in glasow in Scotland then I did it in Jakarta then in kumur uh New Jersey here in in Union City just before I got here uh La was the the first one in the in the US last year I did it in Texas and some places um and I only have one slot left this year all the other slots are filled and I'm uh I'm thinking about coming back for uh uh okay all right so un unofficially mark your calendars for the week of July 12 July 12 okay for the week like if I come I'll be will start on a Friday night I'll torture you Friday night Saturday night Sunday night all the way to Thursday so Friday to the next Thursday every night we're going to try to go through one Surah in depth that's that's the idea if I confirm it I'll confirm it in the next day or so inshallah um but uh the the reason I I'm I genuinely hope as many of you especially younger people can make it to that wherever I've gone and taken that program with a different Surah it's more work for me because I never repeat myself in that program it's always a new Surah a new study for myself and my team what it's really done is for a lot of students uh Shar students Islamic study students from different seminaries kids that are doing hi public school kids adults alike There's A Renewed interest in studying the Quran more deeply and I want to be able to show you what that looks like and I also want to give you the tools to be able to start doing that yourself right so it took me quite a while to kind of get a figure out how to navigate Quran studies properly and now that I have kind of a handle on that I'm I'm applying that methodology and by the end of it I want to show you how you can do that for yourselves in so that's hopefully July the 12th I've just had such a fantastic couple of days my dad and I and we just love Dr zfar just Round of Applause for him first of all mallah and um I'm uh I'm also very very grateful and very humbled by the the the warm welcome of this community uh it does bring back a lot of memories coming here I was here over almost a decade ago more than a decade ago teaching Arabic in this room too uh and uh you know so so it's it's a it's a real blessing to see how much this community has grown it's so beautiful to see so many youth involved in you know good boys involved in sports and these you know girls groups and M students that are and and and activism going on here so just keep this place alive you know and the the real life of it is not some visiting speaker that's that's cool but the real life of it are the Youth of this community and they should we should we should push them and nurture them and you know take our place I mean the the the the biggest success that I can imagine for our coming generation is people like me become irrelevant right that's that would be amazing right because then there's there's a hundred of me or better in every Community right and that's what we should be uh aspiring towards and and much better than me of course but that's that's that's the success that we want to you know uh aim for and I pray that for all of our our kids uh in our coming generation everyone

Channel: IAGD Masjid

Views: 128,905

Keywords: iagd, iagdmasjid

Id: nI9NdsZ2ESI

Length: 57min 27sec (3447 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 01 2024