♪ I'm vlogging ♪ ♪ It's boring ♪ ♪ I'm Colleen (crying) ♪ - You guys! Hello I'm pregnant. That's why I look like this 'cause I'm pregnant. I look like a mess 'cause I'm pregnant. I am so excited and relieved. I can finally talk about
this on my vlog channel. My vlog people, you guys have been with me through the thick and thin. I've been vlogging every
day and I had to stop 'cause I was so sick. I am so sick and it was just
too hard to keep it a secret that I was pregnant. So I had to like slow down the vlogs, make the vlogs less interesting and then I just stopped vlogging and now I'm gonna vlog again. I feel so much better
knowing that you guys know but I wanna show you the raw
footage of me finding out 'cause in the video I
posted on my main channel, If you haven't seen the
pregnancy announcement please go watch that first. But if you wanna see like the raw footage of me finding out that I'm pregnant, I'm gonna put that in right here but just so you guys know, I
did not think I was pregnant. We were trying to get pregnant and I had taken a million
pregnancy tests at this point 'cause I take them a day or two before I'm supposed to take them and then I'll take one in the morning and I'll take one at night
because your HCG levels which is what makes
that second line appear, that doubles every couple of days. And so I was like,
"Well, what if magically, "it doubles a little bit by nighttime "and then I can see." So I was like obsessively
taking pregnancy tests hoping one day magically it would turn and then it wouldn't. So I kind of had lost all hope, I had my miscarriage earlier this year and so every time I got
my period, it was like, it sounds dramatic maybe to
a lot of people out there, but it felt very traumatic. It made me really sad
every time I saw blood, it made me think of the miscarriage. It would make me cry. It would remind me that
there wasn't a baby in there and I would just get so upset. I had just taken a pregnancy
test before it was negative, I took on the night before it was negative and so I took one more test
and it was like the only time, the first time ever that
I didn't film me taking it and like seeing it for the first time. So basically what you're
about to see is footage of me right after I saw the test. So I put the test on the
counter, I went and did my thing and then when I walked, as I was walking back into the bathroom, the second I saw it I like (gasping), I like gasped and I grabbed my phone and quickly turned on the camera just set my phone down on the counter and freaked out and then
eventually picked up the stick. But the line, the second line it was so dark that I
could see it from far away which was very different
from my experience with Flynn and with my last pregnancy,
the second line was so faint it was almost hard to see. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy. I was, I just sobbed. I sobbed. (chuckling) So anyway, I'm gonna stop talking about it I'm just gonna let you guys
watch it. So here you go. (gentle music) (Colleen soft crying) My, god. Oh my God! Oh my god. Oh my god I have to close
the door. Oh my god. I was not expecting that at all. Oh my god. Oh my god. This is so crazy. Oh my god, you guys. Oh my God. I've taken so many pregnancy
tests in the last few months I have taken so many pregnancy tests and they of all the negative. I took one yesterday and it was negative. Oh my god. I cannot believe it. I'm shaking. Are you kidding? Okay, so, I have (laughs) the last three months like everyday for a week
until I got my period I would take a pregnancy test every day. Sometimes twice a day. I filmed every time I would film before I
would film like, okay, I'm about to take a test. We'll see. And it was never positive. I would be so sad every time. And I've been tracking
like when I'm ovulating, so that I could try to figure
out the timing of my cycle and like when I could get pregnant and when I can test to be pregnant and as according to my cycle and, oh my God, I can't breathe. Oh my God. I cannot believe it. According to my cycle
I could test yesterday. And so I started testing two
days ago 'cause I'm impatient. I tested two days ago. It wasn't negative in the morning. And then I testing it at night
and it was negative again. I tested again yesterday in
the morning, negative test. And last night before I
went to bed, very negative. I cried, I was like another
bump of not being pregnant. And so I just took one just now thinking like, I might as
well try one last time. It's my last pregnancy
test, might as well try it. I went and I edited for five minutes, came in here, not recording. 'Cause I just assumed for
sure it would be negative. And I just turned on the camera. The second I saw it. Oh my God, there's no way. There's no way. I mean, there is a way,
obviously I wanted this. I cannot believe it. And I don't believe it's true. Like, you guys I, you know, me, you know,
I hated my first pregnancy with a fiery passion and you know, I said over and over again, I am not gonna get pregnant, I never be pregnant again, it's the last thing I ever would be. And then I got pregnant
again and I lost the baby. And when I got pregnant with that baby I realized that it is something I want and I was devastated and I
still am three months later that I had that miscarriage. And so I thought I would
just get pregnant right away. And it wasn't happening
for the first two months. And I know, so many women go through years
and years and years of that. So the fact that it happened
only three months later I'm so grateful. But literally I took a test
yesterday and it was negative. And so I talked with Erik
last night and I said like we just have to let this go. Like for now. Like I think maybe I'll just focus on work for the next year. And like, we can talk
about it again in a year but I can't keep doing this every month. Like hoping that I'll be
pregnant and then not. like it's heartbreaking every
time I see a negative test. And so I have like decided
I was letting it go. It's just not happening right now. And that's fine. So my brain can't, like
I feel like this is fake. I felt like, is this an old test? Wait, look at this. Like, it's so clear. It's so weird because of Flynn. Like I just, and I could
barely see the line and I tested last night and
it was a deep negative tests. It was deeply negative. Like I looked at it with flashlight then every angle, everything was negative. Oh my God, I don't even believe this. This feels so different. Because with Flynn And with the last
pregnancy I was so scared. I was scared and I was like
confused and I was excited but I was also so scared I'm not scared I'm just so happy. Just I wanted this so bad. (crying) I cannot believe it. Oh my God, this is crazy. It's so dark. Why so dark? It was negative yesterday. This is so crazy. It is so dark. I can't believe my entire adult life. I have filmed every big moment of my life. And you guys, I'm not kidding. I probably filmed like 20
different pregnancy tests, over the last three months
and not posted them obviously. I filmed before, I filmed me waiting, I film me looking at
it for the first time, I film me after. This is the first time. (laughing) Well, I didn't do that
because I was just confident that like, it wasn't gonna happen and I was just doing this one last one 'cause I have one more and I was like, "Whatever might as well
just use it just in case." And I was not expecting
to walk in and see it. Like literally I walked, this
is a dramatic reenactment. Okay. But my pants aren't even,
I can even button my pants. I would pee on a stick. I didn't even button my pants up. I just went back and started editing and then came in here five minutes later. Literally, okay. I have to show you. I cannot believe this. I literally cannot believe this. Okay, this is a dramatic reenactment. Here's the stick, it was like here, right? Okay, I literally did this. I'm holding my phone. I walk in and I go. (gasping) Then I pulled my phone
out and started recording. Like literally, I like, clenched my bottom and backed out of the bathroom. This is crazy. Like it's not crazy. Like we were trying to get
pregnant and I got pregnant, but like, it's crazy because I have thought I was pregnant, the last three months
in a row I've been like, "All right, I know this is the month. "I'm gonna be pregnant this month. "I know it." And I took so many tests and was deeply disappointed every time. And I cried every period
I got, I would weep. And I yesterday thought, this is the day I can
find out if I'm pregnant and it was negative. And I wept and I talked
to Erik and I said, "I can't keep doing this. "It hurts too much." I don't know how women do this for years. I don't know how women hope for a baby and try to have a baby and go years and years and
years, like it's too much. I can't do this. And so I wanted to take
a break from trying for like a year or two
and focus on other stuff. So it was completely out of my mind. Like I really did not think. I can't breathe. My heart is pounding. Oh my God, am I dreaming? Wait, wait, I'm gonna check the trash and
see the one I took yesterday. No joke. The one I took yesterday
wrapped in paper towel, with half a cookie that I
ate and there was no line. There was nothing on this. I took this at midnight last night, and it is like freaking
5:00pm the next day not even 24 hours later. And look at the difference,
like a firmly two lines and nothing. I'm so confused. Hold on, hold on, I'm gonna vomit. I can't believe it still. Holy (censored) Holy (censored) I'm pregnant. Holy (censored) I am pregnant. Oh my God. I figured out
how I'm gonna tell Erik, I'm gonna gag. I'm gonna throw up. I mean,
I hope I don't throw up. I'll probably be throwing up soon. Oh my God. I'm pregnant. I can not believe am pregnant. You guys I'm pregnant. This is so exciting. I literally never thought
I would see the day where I, Colleen Ballenger,
would be excited to be pregnant. Oh, Erik's calling me, I have to go. Why does it look like I've
been crying. What do I do? Okay. Okay. It's the first full day of
me knowing that I'm preggers and it's really cool to be pregnant and not have any of like
the fear or like freak out or panic that I had. Like when I found out with Flynn, I was really excited I was pregnant, but I was really scared. I didn't know what to expect. And I was like worried about
how it affect my career and my life. And you know, I just, I
freaked out and was scared. It's really scary not
knowing what's gonna happen. With the last pregnancy, I super scared because, obviously my first pregnancy was very traumatic and painful. And so I was really scared
and it was super unexpected. But with this one, we
were trying for it to like I'm only excited and I know
that it's gonna be hard and I know it's gonna
be painful. (laughing) And I know I'm gonna have many breakdowns and I'm gonna feel awful for most of it. But I know, that I have a few days before that starts. (laughs) At least if it mirrors Flynn's pregnancy, with my pregnancy with Flynn, I was like fine for like a week-ish. And then that's when everything
went downhill after a week and it never really got
better until I had Flynn. And so, if my pregnancy is
the same as my last one, that's what I'm anticipating. I'm anticipating for like maybe a week of just like feeling fine
and then going downhill. So I want to enjoy at least this week where
I'm not in any pain. And I just get to know that like, there's a little human
that starting to form, even though it was just
like the size of a seed. A literal spec right now, of like nothing of cells. Eventually that will be a little person. I want to enjoy that feeling because, my pregnancy with Flynn, I found myself getting really jealous of moms who love being pregnant
and enjoyed the whole thing because I didn't enjoy it with Flynn. I'm grateful that I got to do it, but like, it was just
too painful to enjoy. And I feel like that
first week of pregnancy where I knew I was pregnant, I spent so much time being
scared and freaked out and like just uncomfortable
with the unknown that I didn't enjoy the
time where I wasn't sick, but I was pregnant. And so this week I'm
trying to focus on that. So I'm like stepping
away from social media as much as I can, just trying to be with like Erik and Flynn and just trying to enjoy this time. Because the last thing I
want, is to like stress out and worst case scenario
happens again, you know. So I'm like, just trying to
stay calm and excited and happy before the nausea sets in
and the aches and pains and the exhaustion, all that. So I'm really excited
and I'm really happy. And I feel really lucky 'cause I know a lot of women
don't get to experience this. And I know a lot of women
don't get to experience this so quickly after a miscarriage because for me, waiting
three months was agony. So I can't even imagine
what it would feel like to wait years and years and
years, but I'm really excited. So anyway. Yeah, love you guys. Anyway, I have lots of
footage to show you guys. I don't know when or how to show it, how to put it out here, I don't know. It's all gonna be confusing because anytime I had
symptoms or moments about that I just want to talk
about the pregnancy, I would vlog it, but
then, now I just have like over a month worth of footage, I'm like worrying and how do I put these
on the vlog channel? So you'll randomly see bits
and pieces throughout my vlogs of, you know, the last month. I'm really excited. You guys know and I'm so
excited that the world knows, 'cause I hate keeping a secret
and I'm also really sick. And I want to be able to
talk to you guys about it and hear other people's stories about their experiences with it. But I am showing already,
which is so crazy. It's probably just all
the food I've been eating because my appetite is wild. Even though I'm super nauseous and food makes me wanna throw up, I can't stop eating food. It's like the weirdest
grossest combination of things. But I'll show you. You can kind of see it in my I'm like wearing
a little romper thingy. I'm not pushing out. I'm not pushing out at all. This is, this is my tendon. So it's probably poop and bloating, but I definitely already
have a little bump there and I've already gained
10 pounds and, yeah. Am preggers. Okay, It's a little later
in the day I am sick. I'm like very nauseous today. I was good though, I had a couple of hours where I wasn't nauseous. In this pregnancy I'm
really trying hard to like, focus on the times where I'm not sick, instead of being like, "It's so not fair "that other women don't have to be sick "and I'm sick the whole time. "And I feel awful the whole time." This time I'm trying to just like appreciate the moments where I'm not because some women are sick
literally the whole time and never get a break from it. So, today I had like an hour
where I was like feeling okay. So I'm like so happy. I got to have that. But now I'm starting to get really shaky. Don't know why. So I'm assuming I need
to drink some water. Eat some more food. I don't know. I feel very shaky and weak
and tired and nauseous. So I'm gonna go lay down. So exciting. Your guys, special
surprise visitors today. Duncan Ballenger is here the four year old Duncan Ballenger. Four years old, are you kidding me? - Yeah, I'm going to be eight just like Parker is gonna be. - You're gonna be eight? - Yeah.
- It's okay. - Hey mama, where's Parker? - Parker's not here today, but he'll come and say hi in a little bit. - Yeah.
- Yeah. But who is here? - Baby Luke. - Baby Luke is here too, party town. So we get a special little fun visit from Duncan and baby Luke today. Christopher and Jessica are- - Look at this - It's Stacey's up there huh? - I want to pet him.
- Okay. Christopher and Jessica
are in LA for something and so, I'm getting a little
play date with cousins Jacob, or not, there's so many of
them its hard to. (laughs) Luke and Duncan, so
that's pretty exciting. I'm so tired. (Colleen singing) You know that song Duncan? - I still don't. - Look what Duncan made. - [Erik] Good job Duncan.
- [Colleen] Wow. Flynn, Did you ask Duncan if
he likes the alphabet song? - Alphabet - [Colleen] A B, C.
- A B, C - Lets start again. - Say, "A" say "B" - B - Say "C" ♪ A, B, C, D ♪ ♪ E, F, G ♪ ♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪ ♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X ♪ ♪ Y and Z ♪ ♪ Now, I know my ABC's. ♪ ♪ Next time won't you sing with me? ♪ (children playing) - Okay, let's talk about cravings, shall we? I wake up always try to start my day off with some sort of cracker. Oh, I'm a mess. Because I've been so nauseous. I keep a box of like Rick's
peanut butter crackers by my bed. And some saltines, like any type of little like
cracker plain thing by my bed. And I wake up in the middle of
the night from extreme nausea and just try to stomach
a couple of crackers and it usually settles my stomach. And now my new thing in the morning is drinking healthy banana, peanut butter, spinach, milk, smoothie with protein like organic protein powder in it. So that's the first
thing I do when I wake up like before I get out of bed, anything. Like Erik or if my mom is here helping, like, she'll bring you one which I feel like a little princess queen. I'm so grateful. I have help. And someone will
bring me that when I wake up 'cause it usually helps put
something in my stomach. That's good for me before I
can tell if I'm super nauseous before I feel like I'm
gonna throw up everything. That's the first thing
I'll put in my stomach. And then throughout the day
I'll have random cravings and bad nausea. And so today the cravings everyday is different. I don't have like one thing that I crave that I need every single day. The things I eat every single day are things that I'm like
force-feeding myself to eat to get nutrients because the things I
crave are not healthy. I usually throw up fruit. So I tend to really create greasy foods, starchy greasy food. Like I want French fries
and fast food and trash. Today, I was craving Jack
in the box, French fries which is so random because if I was not... I've never craved Jack
and box in my entire life like ever in my life. I've ever been like, I want
to go to Jack in the box but today that's what I wanted. I wanted Jack in the box French Fries. Other than that, like everything kind of
makes me wanna vomit. I'm kind of craving cookies
right now, which is shocking 'cause I haven't craved much sweets. Like the first week I knew I was pregnant. I wanted a lot of chocolate, but now I like never
really craved chocolate, which was very weird 'cause with Flynn, I just
wanted chocolate and in and out. I also am not coming in and out very much which is very weird. So anyway, is that interesting to anybody? Probably not. I have not had any bizarre food cravings like any weird combinations
or anything like that. Mostly just greasy food. Like I really want greasy food. So I try to get some healthy
stuff in my tummy first which is why I do a
smoothie full of spinach. And then I try when I'm
hungry and need a snack, I'll do carrots with ranch dip, like I'll dip a bunch
carrots in ranch dip, or I'll eat celery sticks
with peanut butter. But that's only if I can
stomach those things, 'cause usually my nauseous, like, "No, eat some French fries." Oh my goodness. I am tired. What a day. I'm so excited to tell
everyone that I'm pregnant. You guys, I'm so excited. I'm very tired. And so
I'm gonna go to bed. But I'll probably post some more vlogs now that I know that you
guys know that I am Pregnant. The Chipotle burrito hit the spot. And then I was craving Fanta orange soda. So random, my cravings are
so random this time around. I feel like with Flynn, my cravings were all things
that like I usually ate and like I liked a lot in my like life and then I just craved them more. But this time around, it's
like most random stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed but I can't wait till tomorrow 'cause I just wanna talk to
you guys about all those. It's so crazy. Okay. I love you guys and I'll see you. Maybe tomorrow. Depends on how sick I am. Love you, bye. (gentle upbeat music) ♪ You can relax ♪ ♪ Colleen and Erik have a Podcast ♪ ♪ The world is scary and
provoked in our homes ♪ ♪ But now we have (indistinct) ♪ ♪ So you can relax ♪ ♪ That's the name of the Podcast ♪
