Finding Integrity in Difficult Conversations | Todd Kane | TEDxSUNYCortland

have you ever stepped out of a conversation because you felt unsafe I have conversations for a living I'm a hair stylist in fact I've built my business on conversations by putting five business cards in my pocket each morning with a goal of getting rid of all of them by the end of the day I'm not talking about just hand him out randomly to people I'm talking about having a conversation with a stranger about their hair to convince them to make me their new hair stylist that is not easy you don't just change your hair stylist do you no I have to break you up so first I have to find you and you know I'm going to pick you on a bad hair day it's my best shot and then I do analysis your skin tone your face shape your hair texture your choice of handbag and then I come up with some ideas that I genuinely believe would make you look and feel your very best and when I'm ready I take a deep breath I reach for a card and I step in the conversation it sounds like this excuse me I'm Todd Kane I'm a hair stylist my salon is actually just around the corner and I was sitting right over there thinking how much I would love the opportunity to do your hair I know right the response is almost always the same oh my God are you judging me right now I had no time to do it this is a mess like what would you do with it actually I would clean those ends up I'd add some layers for some movement I'd swipe that bang right out of your face to bring your eyes into focus and then if you're open to color well then we could really have some fun and off I'd go here's my card I hope to see you soon I would feel great I would smile I would be enthusiastic inspired even because even if you didn't make the appointment I showed up in that conversation with complete integrity I wish all conversations were that way but you know when 2020 hit and covet impacted our lives a lot of things changed for us especially my conversations the ones in my chair now listen I like having conversations with like-minded people just like you do the reassuring their confidence building they make me feel safe but conversations with people who hold opposing views now those can be challenging frustrating threatening even they can make me feel unsafe so when I feel unsafe I can make choices and compromises to my Integrity that I normally would not make in fact choosing safety over integrity as 2020 progressed I started choosing safety a lot especially with one client it would start off okay I think difference of opinion and then some humor which turned to sarcasm which turned to talking at each other and over each other and soon I was just shaking my head with an uncomfortable smile as he went on I couldn't get that haircut done fast enough I'm not even sure what you said on this particular day I just remember thinking about all the things I hadn't said and like a slow building whistle of a tea kettle I reached my boiling point I threw my hands back I stepped back out of that conversation I said enough I wish I would have stopped there I didn't find a way to do so and so I let him have it when I was done I looked up and saw his face and and mine and I I didn't even recognize either one of us you talked about a mirror moment nothing was said I quickly finished a haircut he paid me left and what happened here's what I knew with complete certainty I didn't want this to ever happen again that relationship it mattered to me and I wanted to find a way back to that conversation so that night I sat down with pen and paper I'm comfortable expressing myself that way I just published my first book hide and seek and I was working with the word find as an acronym and title for the second so I wrote down find f i Indian big letters and then I started to think about how I felt about that conversation now I've done a lot of work with my PTSD and I know the value of acknowledging your feelings listening to what they have to tell you especially when I feel unsafe I'm not just talking about physically unsafe like a broken lock on your front door or walking alone at night I'm talking about emotionally spiritually and financially unsafe they matter too we'll drop everything to replace the locks on our front door but we'll allow the anxiety or anxiety about the economy to break into all of our conversations and when we feel unsafe like that our morals go out the window as we just defend whatever we're feeling at the time compromising our integrity by being disrespectful dishonest and unkind so I wrote down feel for the letter F and find feel what was I feeling in that conversation frustrated angry unsafe disappointed all of them I wrote them all down and I sat with him I allow myself to feel them and listen to what they were telling me one feeling stuck out the most unsafe and so I circled it that'll be the feeling I interrogated first I and find is interrogate it's a strong word it's an intense word it makes me think of being locked alone in a dark room with my feelings right with a spotlight on my forehead finding the truth finding the truth I respond to that intensity because for me I don't like to embrace uncomfortable truths does anybody also is heavily influenced by Susan Scott's book Fierce conversations in it she talks about interrogating reality to stop pretending the problem doesn't exist to avoid the discomfort when I interrogate my feelings I keep that in mind and I use a series of why questions a circle of life you will why why why it keeps you focused on the feeling with the occasional what are you pretending not to know to keep me from avoiding and pretending so why was I feeling unsafe in that conversation well we were arguing about the economy again okay why does argue about the economy make you feel unsafe and it would continue on why answer unsafe why answer unsafe or I got to the truth or I got to and I don't know I don't know for me as an opportunity I know I'm getting close dig a little bit deeper find that truth or just surrender to it and so I surrender to it why was I feeling unsafe in that conversation because in all that covered Madness I was afraid of losing my business and that was the truth behind that feeling and now with this new truth I can begin to navigate my way back to the conversation and find navigate I like navigate intentional accountability responsibility with each step back to that conversation I became more confident and gained more perspective my first step in navigating forgiveness coveted was tough on me my conversations and my relationships that means it was tough on other people too and if I could forgive myself for the choices I made I could forgive them for the choices they made in those difficult conversations because those relationships mattered to me next we need some boundaries and I need to come up with some statements that reflected my current beliefs and values so that I could navigate in and out of these conversations with Integrity so that it wouldn't happen again I was excited about the course I had plotted all I had left to do was do it D and five stands for do I know it's simple but hey look a lot of people struggle with the doing because we don't trust the process to get to the do and as we're navigating our course we run into frustration and anger and doubt and other things that's all part of it it's okay that's the beauty of find it's right here for you encouraging to be for you to be integral in fact if we remain integral throughout the entire process the doing remains easy if you feel fear anger or doubt take that back up to F and feel it interrogate that navigate that and then continue doing what is in keeping with your morals and your values and belief even if other people won't do it with you because it's the right thing to do you know before I could reach out to my client and extend the invitation to him Jill texted me he said hey I need a haircut he sounds like that by the way thank you for calling me out on my stuff that was encouraging I had done all that work to get here he must have been doing the same texting back yes right on let's do it we made the appointment in two days time we were right back where we started we had both been able to find our way back to that conversation he said you know what Todd when I left here that day I didn't care if I ever came back but he said as he kept walking he realized that our relationship mattered to him and that he wanted to find out if what he had done caused me to do what I had done I told him about my fear of losing my business and how our conversations how they affected me emotionally and financially he said I understand he also said I was just being honest with you though and I said I don't know how I feel about that Honesty thing so we interrogated that together and we found that we can be honest with each other and disrespectful at the same time we can work hard to establish trust in a relationship but violate that trust by being Reckless and irresponsible with our words we can stand it with courage and conviction and defend a truth that is not true for someone else and might not be true at all we had both compromised our integrity in that conversation and by choosing our safety over our integrity made things worse for each other but in this conversation in this conversation by finding our integrity we actually created the safe space for that conversation to happen feel it allow yourself to feel those emotions they're telling you something and then take those feelings and interrogate them find the truth behind them and then with that new truth navigate with intention and perspective and finally do what is keeping with your beliefs because it's the right thing to do even if no one else will do it with you I've been able to find my way back into many conversations based on this experience and a way to stay in them each time becoming more confident in my ability to have these conversations and strengthening my relationships do you have a conversation you need to find your way back into a relationship that still matters to you I have a few more join me share this idea with them let it be the invitation and together we'll all take a deep breath reach for our integrity and step back into the conversation thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 13,690

Keywords: Behavior, Business, Communication, English, Mental health, Pandemic, Personal growth, TEDxTalks, Tolerance, [TEDxEID:49873]

Id: PogiUHjXvV0

Length: 13min 33sec (813 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 23 2023