Parade! Royal wedding! No, not that one. This one! Epic battle at the city wall! Death of the Prince... Heartbreak... Betrayal! Final Fantasy XII Yeah, that was awesome, right? Well, here's 40 hours of mediocrity. Wow. I'm really good at killing small,
innocent, defenseless rats. I'm totally ready for the harsh and unforgiving desert! Come at me, desert! Yeah, I stab you! Wait, why aren't you dying in one hit? *CHOMP* *GULP* *RWAR* Someday, I'll fly an airship of my own. I'll be a main character with backstory and personality. Right, Penelo? Ah, what do you know? People of Rabanastre, you may hate me... Boo! Eat a dick! Who does your hair? It's fabulous! But I'm gonna try, so just, okay? Chill, I got this. Woo! Woohoo! We're easily swayed! Have my baby! What about his policies? Is Rabanastre to your liking, my lord? Hell no, this place is a sh*thole. I can't wait to reveal I'm a bad guy
and bulldoze this turd city out of my way. And why are all the men topless here?! I want to steal from the palace because... uh... Reasons! It belongs to the people. Uh, I dunno. F*** you! Help me, old man! Listen wisely to my inconsistent accent, m'boy. There is a secret passage and you'll need a magical stone that I conveniently have. Sweet, gimme! But it's lost its magick and needs
a Sunstone, so go do that. And the Sunstone will power the magick stone, right? Sure, whatever. Just uh, go be useless somewhere else. Thanks, Dalan. *SNIFF* Yup, I just sh*t myself again! VAAN! Oh no, he's gone! Aww sweet, a shining glowing plot device! Who are you? I play the leading man. Who else? Uh, I thought I was the main character? No, you're here to fill the pretty boy RPG hero quota. Am not! Okay, then. What's your backstory? Uhhhhhhh... Something about a dead brother? That's what I thought. Now give that to me! Hey! I found it, it's mine! *GUNSHOT* Oooh! That was a bit dark. Hey. I'm a sky pirate, not a PG-13 pirate. So you're a male-female duo
who commit crimes together? Does that make you... *SNICKERS* Bunny and Clyde? I'm Vaan. And your name? Amalia. Wait... No, you're not! You're Princess Ashe of Dalmasca! Uhh, no, I'm Amalia. Um, no. You're Princess Ashe. You were a pretty big public figure. We're not brain dead! Well, Vaan is, but anyone with half a brain
would know who you are. I mean, you didn't even dye your hair
or change your voice! What is this, amateur hour? I will tag along with you until we find my companions. Let's think of her as a guest, then. Unlike Fran or myself, our guest probably won't be taking orders anytime soon and she'll leave when she pleases. In Vaan terms, please? *SIGH* She is a guest AI that will attack and heal independently
and screw us over at the worst possible time because we have zero input on what she does. Oh... No, I don't get it. She, computer. You, not! Okay, I think I get it. Nope! GAAAAH ah.. Where are we? Prison. But don't worry. It's a Final Fantasy prison.
So there will most definitely be an easy way to escape. Ah! The prison repository of wrested relics and armaments. So our things are in here? Aduuuuh! Oh God, the smell! It's like rotten anus mixed with moist cabbage! That is a rather ghastly odor! Hey, cut me some slack. I haven't showered in two years! *FART* Excuse me. Dear heavens! That actually smells better. I did not kill the King! It was... my twin brother! I don't believe you. What if I ass kiss your dead brother and say sorry twice? I will eventually believe you. Whoa! You broke out of the dungeon! Hey, k-keep it down! But yeah, that's right. I escaped
from Nalbina Dungeon! Me, Vaan! No one cares! Hey old Dalan, I'm back! Holy sh*t! Uhhh... Very nice treasure! Uh... duh... Take this sword to... uh... Azelas! Uh... uh, make haste, young Vaan! Okay. God, I f*cking hate that kid. We are embarking on a quest far away from
this desolate desert to distant worlds, gathering allies, rescuing a rebellious princess, and fighting back against the evil Empire
using mystical forces and flying ships! Along with my animal-like sidekick! *Chewbacca noises* Wow, just like Star Wars! Can I be Vaan Solo? No, it's nothing like Star Wars! Hang on. Let me just say goodbye to everyone. Bye Uncle Owen! Bye Aunt Beru! Oh, for God's sake. Come on, R2-D2 and C-3PO. *BEEPS AND CHIRPS* Oh, come on! Now, where's your ship? Oh, it's that one over there. No, it's the one next to the-it's still not Star Wars! *DEFINITELY NOT STAR WARS
SHIP SOUNDS :P* Wow, what an amazing and beautifully crafted world. Will we get to explore all of it? Nope. So... what's your name? My name is... Lam.. ont. Nope. You're Larsa Ferrinas Solidor. Again, another prominent public figure
anyone should be able to recognize. Come on, you're even wearing royal clothes!
Am I the only one with a brain cell in this game? Vaan, what are you doing? I'm setting your gambits. My... gambits? They're a set of rules that mean
you have to do whatever I say. Oh, and according to this License Board,
you can't use that sword or that shield. And, ugh, you can't wear those shoes. I need a license... to wear shoes? To Hells with that! I don't have to listen
to a scrawny little pretty boy like you! Nuh uh, these gambits say you can't hit me. *WHACK* You... don't... have the license to... use that. *WHACK
2-CHAIN* *3-CHAIN
4-CHAIN 5-CHAIN* This kid such an annoying turd. Hey guys, I have an idea! Hey Vaan, old boy. Why don't you just run around telling everyone
you're Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg? Okay! That'll keep him busy for a few hours. Beers are on me! I'm Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg. Don't care, buddy. Don't believe Ondore's lies! Don't tell me what to do! I'm Basch! Oh my, do you have someone who looks after you? Hey lady, I'm Ba- Keep away from me! No means no! *SCREAMS* Meanwhile in the Legion of Doom... Hmhmm yes, looking out my
window villainously like a villain. Hmm, yes, wuahahaha. Oh come now, this is hardly the courtesy due of the late... Princess Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca! *GASP!* Called it! You! You're a traitor and a poopy head! Oh, drop it. We already did this shtick with Vaan.
They're not going to buy it again with you! CLINK Honk! HONK! HONK! Heh, Judge Geese. I don't get it. Uh-huh. This is getting way too serious. I just wanted to dick around in airships.
I didn't want to fight the Empire! So, uh... I'm gonna go... I'll uh, take this with me. That's quite enough, Your Majesty. Suck my balls. Nifty, right? I'm the princess and I'm a massive bitch. *GIGGLING* It also does Vaan. I'm Vaan.
I'm irrelevant to the plot and a massive gaylord. *LAUGHING* Hey! I'm not irrelevant! *MORE LAUGHING* My ship sucks balls and can't cross a desert. So we're gonna fill up a chunk of the
game crossing a desert for a few hours. Why? I don't know, skystones don't work across this particular desert. Just roll with it, okay? Oh. My. God. It's... sand! *TUSKEN RAIDER
NOISES?* The Sand People are easily startled, but they
will soon be back and in greater numbers. This isn't Star Wars! Goddammit! That's what you think, bitch. *INJURED BASCH
NOISES* Just stand around, stay away from the enemies,
and let your HP regenerate slowly. You'll be fine! Rasler! Bitch is crazy! Haha, I'm actually a traitor! *CLEARS THROAT*
I'm uh, Vossler, by the way. Called it! Wow! Wanna take down a mighty Imperial fleet? Just stick a stone in their reactor! What a fatal design flaw! Kinda like the Death Star? Okay, now you're just pulling its strings. So... So...
How do you use this thing? (Hell if I know) Well, this was a monumental waste of time. The forest denies us passage. We seriously can't enter a forest
because the forest says no? No means no! A forest has rights! The Viera may begin as part of the Wood,
but it is not the only end that we may choose. The same words I heard 50 years ago. Damn, bitch, you over 50 years old?
Dat ass be fine, gurl. Seriously... why do you keep this dildo around? I am Al-Cid Margrace... Ah, Lady Ashe, I would very much
like to defile you with my stinky Rozarrian and the wiener. Uh... thanks? I will destroy the Dawn Shard with this blade! Babe. *SMASH* Babe, come on. Thanks, babe. The Nethicite. I must destroy it. We head to Archades! Flying in via airship would be a death sentence. We will travel on foot. Okay, is there even any point in you having an airship
if we can't actually go anywhere we need to with it? No, not really. Wow, this city is awesome! This is the enemies' city. I just wanted to have a line... Sky pirate Reddas, at your employ. Red Ass? Sounds like you wipe too much! Who is this wiener kid? We don't even know why he's still here. Mwahahahaha! I am also Cid and I am evil. Yeah! Weren't expecting an evil Cid, were ya? Two Cids in one game? What's next, a female Cid? Uhhhhhhhhhh... Cid has the stone. We head for Giruvegan. Lemme guess... On foot- On foot, yes. Even though we're not going
anywhere near the Imperial city or over the desert we can't fly over for whatever reason? Y-yes. And we're going to somehow make it there before
the guy who just took off in an airship to get there? Also, yes. Okay, good. As long as we're clear
on how useless your ship is. Did I do good, boss? Yeah, you did super. Will you need me to fight any monsters today? I'll call you. You never call me. Take this, the Treaty-Blade, and cut from the Sun-Crystal shards. Can't we just win the war fair and square? No, you suck! Brother, I implore you.
Make peace with Ashe, avert this war. Hmm Hmmm Hmmmm Hmmmmm Hmmmmmm Hmmmmmmm Nope. Okay. Well, they're definitely going to kill you, so... See ya! Take this Skystone. It'll allow you to travel all over Jagd. You didn't think to get one of these
stones when you began sky pirating? Hey, I never said I was a GOOD sky pirate. Ah! It's time for the obligatory ancient tower
with a ton of cut-and-paste floors and super bosses! We must be near the end of the game. Good. Vaan, a word? Huh? If anything untoward were to happen to me, you stay the f*ck away from my ship! Why did we climb like a million floors and fight
a ton of powerful monsters to get up here when there's a goddamn balcony we
could have flown up to right over there! *Squeaky toy noise* I must destroy it. You have the chance to get the ultimate power
and you're going to destroy it? I have morals! And I have mild brain damage from all the
beatings various monsters have given us! Cut us some goddamn shards, woman! *CLANK* *CLANK* *CLANK* *CLANK* *CLANK* *GASP!* Oh. My. Gosh. You're the guy on the cover! Will you sign my copy? Certainly, it's always nice to meet a fan. So, what are you doing here? I'm here to kill you all! Yeeheeheehee! I can't believe I'm gonna get my ass
kicked by the guy on the cover! *STAB* Best. Day. Ever! Best day ever! For Nabudis! raaaaf! Red Ass! No! Don't act like you care! But... But- Shh, come along now. Vayne, he commands Bahamut,
the Lord of the Skies. Bahamut? As in the iconic Final Fantasy dragon? Ahahahahaha, nope! Bahamut, as in a generic-looking villainous airship. Sorry, guys. Ivalice will know a new Dynast-King
and man will keep his own history. The tyranny of the Gods is ended! We are their puppets no more! The freedom for which we have longed is at ha- *GUNSHOT* Blah, blah, blah. Were we really just gonna stand here
and let him monologue whilst I have a freaking gun?! Man, I'm a sucky final boss. I-I don't even
have a badass religion-themed final form! I want to be like Garland, Emperor, Exdeath, Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and Seymour! V-Venat! Venat! Ugh, he's talking at me again. Dude, just stick a bunch of metal on him and
make him look a bit like a dragon, that'll shut him up. *MENACING
WOOSH* (INTRODUCING:
THE UNDYING) Oh, I thought we were done. *GUNSHOT*
Ow! *SLICE*
Wuuuh! *PUNCHING*
Uhoow! *MORE PUNCHING*
Uhuhuh ow! *MORE PUNCHING*
Arrrgh! Ahaharrrgh! Owww!
Heheh, they're killing him so easily! Ow, my nuts! And best of all, this will kill Venat as well! High five! Uhhhhh. (NOW PLAYING:
MORPEEF'S STAR WARS KAZOO COVER) This isn't Star Wars, God(bleep)dammit! (NOW PLAYING:
FINAL FANTASY XII ENDING MOVIE THEME) Soon, my comrades. You will no longer be mysterious shadowy figures. Our plans are almost... Complete...
