[TERRA] I'm the main character. The story starts with me and my backstory features into a lot of the main storyline. [CELES] Yes, but when the world ends, the story focuses on me, and hello...? Iconic opera singing. [EDGAR] It's no contest, ladies. I'm clearly the main character. I own a castle, after all. And I have the most dialogue in this parody. [LOCKE] I have a love subplot with Celes and the game starts in my hometown. [EDGAR] No offense, Locke, but if we don't go into Phoenix Mountain, we never even find you. In fact... You and Terra are completely optional. We could storm Kefka's Tower without either of you if we want. [SETZER] Need I remind all of you I am the source of both airships in this game? You can't even get to the end without me. [MOG] Guys! I can settle this right now. I'm the main character! See? I'm on the cover of the game! [EDGAR] Well, there's no arguing with that. [LOCKE] I thought this was Final Fantasy VI. (It was released as Final Fantasy III for the North American SNES in 1994, since we originally didn't get II, III and V here until the PlayStation, Game Boy Advance and Nintendo DS.) (FF6's "Terra" plays) [MOG] Kupo! (English captions by Orion of Breaking Canon.) (Shameless ad time!) I write reviews! Please check out my stuff kthxbye :) (http://breakingcanon.com/) [WEDGE] Huh? What's happening? Argh! [BIGGS] Wedge! Where did you go!? (OHKO) [TERRA] : (sighs) I bet I'm gonna get blamed for this. (DAMN YOU, SCRIPTED BATTLE!) [EDGAR] Why, hello there, Sexy. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [LOCKE] Your Majesty, we seek refuge from the Empire. [EDGAR] Uhh, the Empire comes here all the time. I'm allied with the Empire, but secretly a rebel, remember? [LOCKE] Oh. [EDGAR] Didn't think of that one, did ya? [LOCKE] Shall we hide her here anyway? [EDGAR] Sure. She's hot. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [KEFKA] There's sand on my boots. [SOLDIER] Right away, sir. (sweeping) [KEFKA] There's also sand in my butt. [SOLDIER] Uggh... R-right... away... sir... (You like that, don't you, Kefka?) [KEFKA] Give me the goddamn girl! [EDGAR] Jesus, man! You didn't need to set my castle on fire, you dick! [EDGAR] Okay. Terra, myself, Sabin and Banon will head to Narshe. Locke, you go be useless somewhere else. [LOCKE] Where shall I go? [EDGAR] Uhh, go sneak into a heavily guarded and dangerous enemy territory. [LOCKE] Will that help the rebellion? [EDGAR] Sure. Why not. [OLD MAN] Thanks! The secret entrance is downstairs. Uhh, just guess the password. I don't know. F*ck you! I got my cider! [LOCKE] You betrayed the very powerful Empire... ...for a bottle of cider. [OLD MAN] I would suck your dick for some whiskey! [LOCKE] Where's the nearest liquor store? [RANDOM COMIC RELIEF OCTOPUS] Ya-ha! It is I, Ultros! (Or Orthros, depending on the translation.) Also... Holy shit, look at those boobs! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [EDGAR] Wait, you're an octopus. You can't live in this river. You're a saltwater creature and this is freshwater. [ULTROS] I'm a talking purple octopus with teeth that's weak to fire and pervs on women of all ages AND THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME!? (asking the real questions here...) [EDGAR] AN OCTOPUS DOESN'T BELONG IN A RIVER! Good day, sir! -_-* [SOLDIER #1] Keep a close eye on her. [SOLDIER #2] Will do! I can sleep for days! [SOLDIER #1] Don't you mean go for days without sleeping? (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) (Really, guy?) [SOLDIER #1] Whatever. I'm gonna leave without locking this door. [LOCKE] Oh! Uhh. Hey... [SOLDIER #1] Eh. Go ahead. What do I care? [SABIN] Kefka! Wait! [Kefka] Wait, he says! Do I look like a waiter? (BA DUM TSSS!) [RANDOM GUY] Sorry. [CYAN] You're freaking nuts, man! Screw this! (SUPLEX FAIL) (Well, shit.) [CYAN] We're Cyan and Shadow, by the way. [SABIN] Let's jump down this gigantic waterfall! (why tho) [CYAN] Yeah! [SHADOW] I must go now. For gameplay balancing purposes. (Is that the actual reason or are you afraid of heights?) [SABIN] Weirdo. [SABIN] What do you think Gau does when we let him leap on an enemy? [CYAN] I have no idea. We always look away and move on when we do. [SABIN] Let's watch! I genuinely want to know. (WHAT THE HELL? ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )) Gaaaaaauuuuu! (When you just saw someone's vore fetish.) [GESTAHL] Kefka! Did you poison an entire castle's water supply to kill them? [KEFKA] Maaaaaybeeee... (You totally did, you son of a submariner!) [GESTAHL] Awww. I can't stay mad at you. Come here. (Probably the closest thing to parental love Kefka ever got.) [KEFKA] The time is now! We will crush the rebels here once and for all! Go forth! Advance slowly towards them one by one in random directions. (Fire Emblem Lunatic+ Difficulty) This will totally stump those rebel scum! [EDGAR] Time to make haste towards Jidoor. Hmm. What vehicle shall we take? (GILGAMESH WAS HERE!) [EDGAR] I know! Let's take the castle! [LOCKE] Huh? [LOCKE] Ahhhh! There's sand in my eyes, ears, crotch and ass! Who travels like that? It's all over the place! How can you live like this? [EDGAR] I'm never here, so I don't. Besides, I'm a king. The whole point of my job is to get others to clean up my mess. (Huh, that's a good point.) [IMPRESARIO] We will replace Maria with you in the opera. Setzer will never be able to tell the difference. [CELES] Uhhhh. Is he a complete and utter moron? [IMPRESARIO] Possibly. I mean, he fights using cards and dice and uses the ONLY airship in the entire world to persistently ruin our opera. That's pretty sad if you ask me. (hey, don't judge :/) [CELES] Well, time to show the world my incredible singing talent! (sings "Aria De Mezzo Carattere" in 16-bit wails) [PATRON #1] This is f*cking terrible! [PATRON #2] I paid good money for these tickets! [PATRON #1] You suck! (pain and hurt) [EDGAR] So you want to end the war all of a sudden and you want us to trust you just like that and work together? (totally not suspiciously nervous laughter) [EDGAR] I foresee no way this could possibly go wrong. [STRAGO] My name is Strago, and this is my granddaughter Relm. [EDGAR] Don't you mean 'daughter?' [STRAGO] No, I said 'granddaughter!' What kind of idiot would make that mistake twice? Don't get fresh with me, Sonny. [EDGAR] Wow. She's hot. [STRAGO] She's 10... [EDGAR] Is that like Japanese 10 where she's like 30? (nodudewtf) Orrr... [STRAGO] I want you out of my house. [KEFKA] Burn it all! Burn the town to the ground! [EDGAR] How did you get out of jail? [KEFKA] The Emperor gave me an official pardon. [EDGAR] But he called a truce. How could he lie and right to my face? [KEFKA] You fool. The main villain calls a truce and jails his insane lackey a few hours into the game and you thought THAT was how it ends? You're cute. [ULTROS] Paint me like one of your French octopi! (shitty kazoo version of "My Heart Will Go On") (bonk) (boom) (It's not very effective...) (PLOT TWIST: Air Force is Muttley all along!) (Bye, Gestahl.) [KEFKA] And I just move this one here. And scooch this one a little over here. And just move this one... Uhh... Here. And TA-DA! One messed up world, unlimited power, and unrivaled tyranny at your command! And that's how you win! Any questions? [KEFKA] (sighs) Any questions NOT about using time travel to win? No? Good. [EDGAR] Well, we've given him three minutes. I don't think he's coming. Let's go. [LOCKE] Hang on. He might turn up at the very last second. [EDGAR] Come on. No one is going to cut it that close. Let's go. [SHADOW] If I wait until the last second to get on the airship, I'll look super badass. (OW THE EDGE) F*CK! [CELES] I brought you more fish to make you feel better. (DAMN YOU, UNINTUITIVE FISHING MINIGAME!) [CELES] WHY WON'T YOU GET BETTER!? [CELES] Hey, check out all this awesome swag I swiped from the chest in there. [MOTHER] My boy! Where's my little boy!? [CELES] Uhh... little boy? [SABIN] Oh, you stupid bi— (ded) [GERAD] I am not Gerad, you see. I am in fact... (snap) Edgar. [CELES] Edgar! I knew it was you! [EDGAR] Well, duh. All I did was put on a slightly different colored outfit and pretend not to know you. (...and turned his name into an anagram.) Moron. [SETZER] Here it is, the Falcon. Darill's ship. I reconstructed it here in her memory when she died. [EDGAR] Whoa, Darill is a woman? We've been thinking she was a dude this whole time. Darill is a man's name. [SETZER] Of course she's a woman! What? You thought I was gay? [CELES] Well... a bit... [EDGAR] Yeah. I mean, you have that long white hair. [CELES] And that fabulous outfit. [SABIN] And you wear lipstick. [SETZER] (triggered) I'M TRYING TO HAVE A POIGNANT MOMENT HERE! ಠ_ಠ* (trying to monitor kids during recess) [EDGAR] Wow. Stuck looking after a bunch of kids. You really got the short end of the stick with this whole end-of-the-world thing, huh? (I haven't slept in a whole year!) [EDGAR] Cyan, you old dog. What are you doing all the way on top of this mountain? [CYAN] I'm writing letters to a girl pretending to be her dead boyfriend. [EDGAR] Niiice. Is she hot? [CYAN] No, no. It's—It's not like that. It's a noble cause. I'm keeping her sense of hope alive. [EDGAR] Don't worry, man. I get it. I've led on plenty of girls to get some tail. [CYAN] Don't be so vulgar. [EDGAR] Hey, she's been sending you nudes! Niiice. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [EDGAR] Just sleep it off. You'll be fine. Uhh, who are you? [IMP] It's me! Terra! [EDGAR] Euugh. You really let yourself go. Here, Strago. Equip this weapon. [STRAGO] What is it? [EDGAR] It's a Healing Rod. [STRAGO] What does it do? [EDGAR] Well, it heals whatever it touches. [STRAGO] But I can already do that. [EDGAR] Well, yeah. [STRAGO] Without a rod. [EDGAR] I know, but— [STRAGO] in fact, we ALL can heal without rods. (a moment of hindsight) [EDGAR] It's a Healing Rod! Boop! -_- Hey, Terra. Aren't you supposed to have green hair? (Snap! Palette swap!) [TERRA] Happy? [EDGAR] No, I don't like it. (Palette swap!) (Let's see how you like it!) [GERAD] Stop that. [LOCKE] I found it. [EDGAR] Locke, there you are! What are you doing here? [LOCKE] I came here to find Phoenix so we can revive Rachel. [EDGAR] Oh yeah, I totally forgot you had like a dead girlfriend or something. [RACHEL] Locke, stop feeling guilty. Also, you kept my dead body in a basement instead of burying it? EWWWWWW! [EDGAR] Well, that was a monumental waste of time. (Sword slice!) (Fire!) (Uppercut!) [SETZER] AH-HA! Take that! (Dungeon Dice Monsters!) (Really, Setzer?) [EDGAR] Okay, Setzer, we gave you a chance to get a proper weapon. You're out of the main party. Go join the others. [SETZER] Awwww. Maaaaaan. (Hi, Edward, Thief and Gordon. Were you benched too?) (FF6's "Rest in Peace" plays) [EDGAR] Gau, where are you? [TERRA] Here, Gau! Gau! Where are you? [SABIN] Gau! Where you at, little buddy? [CYAN] Sir Gau! Sir Gau? Wherefore art thou, Gau? [CELES] Gau! Gau! [LOCKE] GAAAU! GAAAAAUUUU! [GAU] Gau no go with them. They have waaay more than four party members. (A wild Zone Eater appears!) [SABIN] Whoa! Look at that thing! [LOCKE] It looks extremely dangerous. It'll probably eat us whole. I say we leave it alone and never come back here. [SABIN] Agreed. (Got away safely!) [GOGO] I'm sure someone will turn up ANY day now. [MOG] This is Umaro. He is my friend. He can join our team! [EDGAR] I dunno. This team is getting a bit big. (14 playable characters to be exact.) And ridiculous. I've already forgotten half their names. Let's see... There's that Pansy-Ass Thief. That Half-Esper Emo Freak™. My Dumbass Brother. An Asshole Ninja. Uncle Macbeth. Soppy Tits. The Gay Gambler. That Stupid Animal Kid. The Old Fogey. Old Fogey's Annoying Ass Kid. That Stupid Cat Thing™. (brought to you by Square.) Some Robed Moron Who Copies Everyone. A Pompous, Egotistical King. And now you want me to add a Stupid Yeti into the mix? Why are you all staring at me? (We're done with your shit, Edgar.) (Malboro uses Bad Breath!) (It's not very effective...) [STRAGO] Excellent! I've seen it use it. Now I can use Bad Breath! [EDGAR] Come on, Strago. You don't have to make excuses for it. Just brush your teeth once in a while, you know? [STRAGO] (triggered) SCREW YOU, WHIPPERSNAPPER! [EBOT'S ROCK CHEST] FEED ME. (feeds it coral) I'M HAWNGRY! (gulp gulp) MOAR! MOAR! [EDGAR] What am I doing with my life? [CELES] Okay, guys! This is it! Let's take the fight to Kefka himself! (LIGHT OF JUDGEMENT, BITCH!) [KEFKA] Well, that was easy. [SOLDIER] See? If you could obliterate towns with that thing, you could've stopped them ages ago! I mean, it's not rocket science. [KEFKA] I don't think I like your attitude. (EXODIA! OBLITERATE!) [EDGAR] Right. We have our three teams of four. Let's go get Kefka. [GOGO] What about us? [EDGAR] Uhh, stay up here and be useless? [GOD OF MAGIC KEFKA] DAHAHAHAHAHA! I'VE DONE IT! I'VE WON! THE WORLD IS MINE! I AM A GOD! (Kefka laughing madly) [EDGAR] Well, clearly there's no way we can step in. Give up? All hail Kefka? Yeah? Okay. We're all agreed. [CELES] We did it, guys! We defeated Kefka and saved the world! [EDGAR] No, not really. The world is still a sh*thole, half the towns don't exist anymore, and horrible monstrosities still roam the planet. [CELES] Uh, but.. We can still rebuild! [EDGAR] It's the end of the game, Celes. Just... let it go. :( Roll credits! (Special thanks to RABtoons and everyone who worked on this project to bring this parody to us!) (FF6's "Balance is Restored" plays)
