Fentanyl Addict interview - Billy

all right billy yes sir billy where'd you grow up where are you from originally well i was born in new jersey plainfield new jersey uh but i was raised in south florida uh in the tri palm beach broward miami fort lauderdale uh palm beach area how would you describe your childhood um well i'm i'm 42 years old i was born february 21st 1979. i was uh born to two addicts and alcoholics my mother mary and my father eugene um i was actually born addicted um i was born on methadone my mother was a heroin user um but she switched from heroin to method on heroin to methadone and i guess it was a little bit safer that she did the methadone so i came out i came out to this world pretty much addicted um childhood it was it was always living with um foster homes um [Music] family members first off my my mother came from a family of of 12 kids she was the second oldest and um her childhood was was pretty pretty [ __ ] up she um was physically mentally and sexually abused by by her father my grandfather and he did that to pretty much all the kids and since my mom being the oldest she kind of tried to be the the protector and would try to you know um she'd usually get most of the the the abuse trying to look out for her her younger siblings but anyway so um so that was pretty pretty tough on her so as we were growing up she was manic depressive and she was very very very very depressed and so of course she went to you know drugs and um basically every six months i was in a foster home or with the state or with a a family member and um so as as i started to get older um you know she um she would send send us away send me away we'd come back and then finally um when i turned 16 i um i was living in in florida and my mother was living in in colorado and uh she had asked if um you know if if i wanted to come back home and you know and live with her again and and i uh pretty much said you know i'm i've i've pretty much i'm still because i i was always going to different schools starting over meeting new friends and having to start over and so finally i around when i was 16 i i had you know i was i made friends i had to grow a friend and you know i was you know becoming a man and my life was happening and um next thing i know uh um she ended up killing herself she committed suicide and um sorry yeah it's it happened you know it's i've dealt with it it's it's it's always gonna be there but you know i just try to tell myself that she's at peace now and she's you know she was she was um [Music] she was in hell here on earth you know and she used to ride a lot and she would you know and you know write stories about you know things that you know were really deep and true and like like really saddening things that had happened to her and and um but i mean she was a good mother i mean for what she was working with you know and um but uh i remember one night i was out um helping a friend move and we were out like i lived at the time i was in west palm beach and um i was helping a friend move out in okeechobee you know we were way out and um this is before cell phones and stuff and somehow um i managed to get a call at the new place i was helping my friend move but what was funny about it is i remember that night i was uh we were taking a break and um it was getting kind of late and i remember looking outside and um i look up at the moon and i'm i'm thinking you know i just felt something kind of weird and i'm like i'm like you know that's that's the same moon my mom's looking at and i just had her on my mind you know and um so we went back into the house or whatever and um one of my friends was like hey billy the phone's for you phones for you folks calling me over here you know i'm i'm uh helping somebody move and so anyways i get on the phone and it was one of my friend's girlfriends and she was crying and i just i just knew something was wrong and i was like what's wrong and she's like it's it's your mom and i'm like she's like she's dead and it was just like the wind just got knocked out of me i just it was just like the you know i mean me going from you know foster care and this and that and stuff but she was still my mom we were still you know we were still still close for the time that i had when i could spend with her and so so anyways you know she she ended up committing suicide she left a note for me and my sister and um it was it was pretty brief you know um and uh from there on it was just you know [Music] i i really was in a confused state and i i started to you know i quit going to school um my grades were never really that good anyways i mean my i i showed up at school i went i actually went to a school for it was called gold coast corporate academy was for bad kids it was a dropout prevention school and um so i pretty much just stopped going and um and i started getting into drugs at a very young age um you know drinking here and there and uh smoking pot and then by 18 i was um smoking crack and shooting heroin and um as time went on and and you know my habit evolved um it got worse and worse it was first smoking crack and sniffing um heroin and then it got to using needles and i was a intravenous drug user for 20 some odd years um and it it was uh i don't know if it was uh to help me comfort the pain or if it was to i don't know i've i've tried to figure out is it is it that i you know i didn't want to feel or was i trying to feel i don't i can't really figure it out i've been to a million and one [ __ ] rehabs and uh i'm the longest sobriety i've ever had is about a about a year um and it just evolved into um the heroine wasn't working and i couldn't i couldn't shoot up anymore i have no veins left and i i would shoot up and you know you name it it was from my feet my legs my groin my face my my my dick i mean you name it i was shooting up in it and it got to the point to where i can't i couldn't shoot up anymore and um i would just have absences all over the place so um i was introduced to a a new drug that hit the streets which was like a fentanyl and i had started smoking fentanyl and then i i basically fell in love with it and um what is the difference between fentanyl and heroin um it's it's an opiate it's it's just more it's a it's a lot more powerful um and it's it's like heroin is is you can kind of like function on heroin and like you know oh i can only speak for me you know you do and you might not add a little bit here and there but fentanyl it's more it just kind of just like knocks you out and um it's really dangerous but you get to the point to where it's like you know it's it's like [ __ ] it if it kills me it kills me you know like but that's just how you know like i'm i'm not you know suicidal or anything i have been i mean i've i've been there where it's like [ __ ] it you know but um you know i i just try to keep going and not give up and just hope that you know you know i'll find what i'm looking for sooner or later and um you know i've had successes here and there in my life you know it wasn't all bad you know like you know i got married um i have a have a kid um she was uh my my baby's mama um she ended up turning being a miami dolphins cheerleader which was you know which was pretty cool but uh i never wished bad on her because she she kind of um while we were together i i found out she was cheating on me with one of my best friends and so we ended up splitting up and um and usually there's like you know like deadbeat dads and [ __ ] and i really tried to like be there i really wanted to to to be a father i was excited and you know i went through the whole pregnancy i i would always say that um we were pregnant because we were you know anything that you know anytime she ate she i was there through the whole the whole thing the whole the whole nine months having the having the kid and having the baby i watched the whole thing but um she had found somebody else and she was cheating on me you know prior to that and for some reason you know she just she didn't want me involved and uh so when we split up she um you know she ended up you know getting with some guy who owns like construction or whatever and he's super duper rich and and uh i wasn't and um i didn't grow up with money i i was you know i was a welfare baby but it instilled a lot of a good work um ethic for me you know um i always i always hustled and grinded always did whatever i could to make money whether it was legal or illegal or whatever wherever it took at the time you know and i traveled all through the states i mean i've been everywhere i've been to california california but florida mississippi new orleans jersey new york colorado texas here in uh los angeles and um you know whatever i could do for money is usually whatever i would do i i try to do things that you know won't put me in prison um but when it comes to you know getting high sometimes pretty much you don't think of the consequences you know and you just um pretty much do whatever it takes just to to get what you need you know and um i've i've done it all from i don't know how i how how honest i can get on here but i've taken it from from as honest as you like i've heard it all yeah you know i've i've i've robbed people i've heard people um i i've you know i i there's a place in new orleans it's kind of funny it's called the corner pocket and um i'm straight i'm straight as they come but uh i worked in a gay bar for a while which was pretty interesting um i did that um i did whatever whatever i could to you know to make to make money you know shameful or not man it's it's it was you know an addiction is an addiction and uh and i i have a horrific terrifying drug habit you know and um i've done a lot of things that that i regret and um sexual favors ever come into it uh yeah of course of course you know it's amazing how many men yeah have done that and it's it's interesting how many will admit it actually yeah i mean i got it you know what i mean you said you know you wanted you know my story and giving you my story keeping it raw you know it's and i i don't care what other people think of what other people say you know like it's when you're in that position and you know and you have an addiction problem and there's some things that you you know wouldn't you know you're you you never thought you would do you you do you know it's literally you'll do anything to get that fix right usually it's you know if if that's like the last thing i mean you know it's it hasn't been that bad lately but there's been times where it's that's the only option that i've had and and um [Music] you know had to do what he had to do but um you know i've been fortunate enough to to have some hustles here and there to where i've been able to you know afford my drug habit but um you know i'm i'm it's it's there's still never really enough i mean it's it's you know the more i the more it just it just progressive and keeps getting more you know more expensive and more expensive more expensive what brought you to l.a um i actually came out here i actually came out here for um rehab i had a friend out in um in florida that um came out here because where i was living at in florida it was um pretty much the sober capital of the of the um of the world it was um delray beach florida and i i couldn't get clean out there i couldn't because that's where i grew up you know like i couldn't i couldn't get clean i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't get it together and uh so um a friend of mine came out to california and uh he's like you know come on come out here we'll get you clean get in get you a scholarship so i kind of got scholarshiped into a place and um i came out here and i actually did pretty good you know i i got i got a little bit of clean time nothing nothing too crazy i got about a year kind of got my [ __ ] together a little bit and um you know made a little bit of money um opened up a you know a little business and i've i've had a couple of businesses like my you know i've had like i said i've had some successes and i've had some downfalls and but uh more downfalls than successes but once i you know i'm i'm i'm uh i'm uh usually anything that i want to do or accomplish i'll i'll anything i set my mind to i can usually get you know get it done and just the drugs have always just kind of you know i could always uh wonder what what i could have been or what i could have had or what my life would have been like without you know using drugs did you have dreams of doing something when you were young um i was i'm an artist so i always liked art you know i always wanted to do something that had to do with art so um i ended up opening up a tattoo shop um a few years back and uh i actually had two one across the street from the other it's kind of a funny story but uh my first one was called evil inc right here and then uh the second one was called ink star and like i got my little mascot remaining star but uh i was always into r so i that's pretty much where i i went to art in sales i was always good with um you know you know selling with sales and you know no matter what it was and i was always pretty good with with art and um but uh i kind of lost my confidence with the tattooing and stuff and i had a lot of the the business end of it is is you you can't stay clean in a tattoo shop that's that's for sure and um i ended up getting locked up right after we we opened up one of our shops and basically my partner stole all the money and just all the [ __ ] so when i got out i came i came to uh came to my shop and and um it was all [ __ ] up and uh it was about to get shut down and you know a lot of [ __ ] and um you've been i love have you been in love before you have you been in love before yes yes uh i met a girl uh actually the one of the job well okay when when i came out here for the um for rehab right i um i was able to help others and i met this girl and she she reached out and um you know she had told me her mother had just died and i was i was able to kind of like you know understand what she was going through and she was using drugs too and you know and she wanted to get help and i was clean at the time so i um i offered to pay for her plane ticket and and help her get insurance and and flew her out here and and it was just you know all good intentions you know i just wanted to you know help her out and um so she came out she got clean she was clean for a couple of months and uh she did good and um then we ended up i ended up relapsing and i was trying to hide it from her but it was it wasn't working and then uh so she ended up um relapsing as well and we started off when when when she first came out here um at the time i was doing well you know i had and had a nice car i had a place to stay you know i had money and then all of a sudden we were both out on the street together and we were on the street together for about six almost seven years now and um yeah so we've been homeless for almost seven years you're still together and we're still together yeah you know i mean our relationship isn't like it used to be you know it's you know it's um you know i feel like uh like i have to protect her like you know like i feel like if i was to to move on and go you know try to you know do something different or get clean or whatever i'm afraid these streets would like eater up you know they would so i you know i i'm madly in love with her but it's it's it's not like it used to be it's i almost feel like more her father than you know more of a dad than a boyfriend you know what i mean like and it's just and i'm a lot older than her so but um and i just try to you know keep us keep us safe it's not easy living on the streets here of la it's pretty it's pretty dangerous on the streets in a tent yeah yeah yeah we lived in tents we lived in makeshift tents um you know hotels here and there um but uh about a year ago um i suffered a really bad head injury um i got hit with a two by four in the head uh somebody was robbing me and um they hit me in the head i lost the hearing in the left side of my ear uh i i can't hear out of this ear um i have uh uh like vertigo my equilibrium is [ __ ] up so it's hard for me to like my balance um i had facial palsy where i lost all the feeling in the left side of my face because you have a nerve that runs along the base of your skull which controls your facial functions and that was damaged so like my whole left side of my face was drooping i couldn't blink i couldn't eat i can't hear and i was bleeding profusely out of my ear and i didn't realize what happened i didn't know what happened until um i kind of came to and my girlfriend was standing like standing over me trying to like pull me up crying and i'm like what the [ __ ] is going on and she's like you just got hit in the head i'm like in the head what the [ __ ] i didn't even really remember me know what happened you know but anyways um so anyways the the ambulance came or whatever and and um they asked if i wanted to go to the hospital and um i supposedly told him no i don't really remember even talking to him but um i remember just sitting there on the ground and just like wondering what was going on and finally she helped me uh back over to our tent and i just started puking and throwing up and throwing up and throwing up and i guess that was from a concussion or whatever and i was just bleeding like bad from the ear and i thought it was actually in my head i thought i got hit you know i thought it was a gush in my head but it was like i hit so hard that my my it was hemorrhaging out of my ear and um so i have complications now due to that i still haven't gone to the hospital like i should i mean you never i don't know what's what's going on with it you know like i could have some some serious problems with it but i don't know why i'm afraid to go to the hospital i don't know what it is but i just and i don't want to go but like it's a rough existence down here isn't it yeah man i've been in uh it's not easy being on out here on the streets and you know and having a a a pretty girlfriend and you know and it's it's tough and i feel like i you know i feel like i um you know my like i [ __ ] up like i should be the one that's you know i'm the man i shouldn't i shouldn't have her in this position and like and i know the girl loves me to death because you know she could be with anybody that she wants to be you know any guy she can have any guy she wants she can be she can be back with her family or whatever she wants but she chooses to be here with me and she's you know she says i don't care if you live if we live in a mansion or if we live in a box as long as i'm with you and you know it's it's pretty cool you know you know the girl the girl loves me to death and like that's rare here in schedule what's that that's rare here in scotland yeah it's it's it's it's a it's a it's a [ __ ] up existence out here you know and um [Music] i've i've been in quite a few you know rumbles and [ __ ] and just trying to protect us you know been robbed a million times been shot at been hit with two by fours been hit with guns i mean you name it you know it's a it's a tough life out here but um i try to focus on like the positive things that that that i can do or that i have you know i'm trying not to focus i'm trying to be more positive i'm not trying to focus on so much of the negative i'm trying to focus more of the positive and um and just every day that i'm alive it's you know it's it's it's a it's a good day you know what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life most important lesson i learned um that really the only thing that that matters is is is is relationships and and and in in in love really you know like love is the most powerful energy there is in this universe and in time you know is we don't we don't have we don't have that much time so like the most important thing i've learned is just to you know stay close to the people that that that i i love and and let them know every day that i love them because you never know what tomorrow's going to bring you know and um [Music] that's pretty much it i've just you know it's i just learned to try to make every day the best day and and be the best person that i could be and let the people in my life that i love let them know every day that i love them because you never know what's gonna can happen tomorrow you know all right billy thank you so much for sharing your story thank you i wish you the best of luck thank you very much you

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Id: X5M1J3Zah6k

Length: 29min 40sec (1780 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 08 2021