Father Knows: Hard Places || Father Knows Something Podcast

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Father know something and uh we have Holly we did do some uh little takes on Holly I don't know if they're going to make the show or where they're going to go but as she was preparing herself for the event but um anything you want to comment on before we get going um not too much I mean you have a trip coming up to Australia so we're kind of like m recording these episodes right now over this weekend I just got back from Paris I'm a little congested Justin's at the top of his game so no issues there but uh we have some really good stories I am looking forward to them some great writings uh I also want to comment that um somebody was really wise and taught me something as I was reading some of the comments yesterday and it was all about the the drive for the Subscribe button and what they said is that you know a lot of people watch this or or listen to it on podcast or Spotify and they don't see the visual and and I don't really see anything from the podcast comments or portion I only read the YouTube stuff is what what you gave me access to and so that's what I read so I think what you're trying to explain is that there is a difference so if you're watching with us on YouTube hit the Subscribe but if you're an audio listener No Matter What audio platform you're on Spotify Apple music iHeart Radio whatever that looks like there's usually a follow button instead of a subscribe so hit the follow button on your audio um so hit the follow button on your audio platform because then you'll get updates if there's a new episode that drops or if we post a poll or things like that and that's going to be handy cuz the more you do that I can we can start doing using those tools to do more fun things yeah so uh there's no cost to do it it simply it it it helps us it gives us an idea of who's watching and we're able to tailor this more for for you and the viewers and do do smarter things so absolutely so thanks so on that note I'm going to let you kick it off by seeing what you got what you got in store for us so this week's episode is going to be titled rock in a hard place like Father Knows hard places kind of Vibes so it's just these listeners that are writing in with problems that are kind of like I am stuck in this like not great situation it feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place no matter what option I pick I'm kind of screwed so there there's some tough problems or wherever you are whatever whatever the one choice might change your life one way and the other choice will lead you down a different path so it's almost like looking at a tree and say am i g to go down this tree branch or am I going to go down this tree branch so let's see let's see what let's see where we're going and whichever you decide will drastically change the course of your life forever you know okay let's not freak them out I mean every decision you make is it is you shouldn't spend too much thought on but any even the smallest decision can completely change the rest of your life well that's like the butterfly effect argument or um if you think about these people that have missed natural disasters or terrorist attacks or Bridge collapses like my um my uncle Chuck drove over the Minneapolis like I35 bridge over the Mississippi he drove over it like 15 minutes before it collapsed yeah that's crazy if he would have hit more lights if we would have got stuck in more traffic if we would have left a little later he would have been on the bridge as it collapsed and that and that would have been it for Uncle Chuck let's get into these stories let's do it [Music] okay so up first for our rocking hard place theme my brother stole 100k from my company and I don't know what to do my brother 33 male came to work for my 32 female company at the beginning of 2020 he had just quit his corporate job because he was burnt out and asked to be a Salesman for my company my company is located in Dallas Texas and he lives 4 hours away still in Texas so we decided to open a branch of our company at his location and he could sell our services down there our agreement was to split the profit 50/50 as my husband would drive to his location multiple times each year to train him and monitor the services we did this with without any hiccups for 2 years 2020 and 2021 and we both made good money now jump to December 2021 my brother told us that he wanted to become a partner and profit off both locations we told him we would not share our main location but we were open to talking about partnering for his location we then agreed to table the conversation until after the holidays come January his wife was pregnant and had a difficult pregnancy which led her to deliver early my brother was going through a lot taking care of his wife newborn and learning how to be a dad so we gave him time to figure out his new life a few months passed and he never mentioned business or partnering so I just left it alone as I know his life was a little hectic then in May 2022 I was having issues with our emails and had to log into everyone's emails to make sure every email account on my server was working that's where I found that my brother had been selling jobs under my company's name all of 2022 he sold and warranteed $120,000 worth of work I was livid I confronted him and he acted like it wasn't a big deal and he was quote going to bring it up but couldn't find the time note we text weekly he doesn't think he owes us any money because he quote did all of the work but I disagree everything he did was under our company I told him the only way to possibly allow me to get over his betrayal was to at the very least pay us our portion roughly 30k as of now he has paid nothing and this incident has destroyed our family my family wants me to just leave it alone to keep the peace but I can't I have contacted a lawyer who says legally all of the profit is mine and I have a strong case if I want to pursue a lawsuit but if I sue my brother I know it will put a huge Rift in our family I don't know what to do I don't think my relationship with my brother will ever be fixed I can't fully forgive him for his actions but I could at least recoup the money he stole from me but it will possibly split my family apart I've talked to my family about it but their opinions are biased I'd like some fatherly advice on what I should do thank you wow now I it took everything that I had to shut up as you were reading this not interrupt me it it took a lot of dis is this one triggering for you no no not at all no no this isn't triggering what's triggering me is that there is there's criminal act here there's FR first of all he went and sold jobs under the company name who where did the check go to was the check going into the company and how did he get it out of the company so this is one thing that's bugging me he knowingly sells the job under the company invoice they write a a check to him where do the there's questions I don't get I'm sure because he opened his own base in that area he's usually handing sums handling sums of money he probably has a company bank account with his name on it so he has that freedom I think our writer here probably trusted their brother and wasn't monitoring this bank account like there is fraud going this is pure fraud this is absolutely this is everything with the intent to you know fraud is doing something with the intent of doing something wrong that's that's not ethical you know this fall this is purely intent so she he's done a criminal act my answer is if you want to keep you want to keep the family piece you literally fire him forget the money that's the best deal the best deal you can give him is I'm not going to worry about the money but you're out of here I can't trust you you he can't be trusted he has po totally said by his action I'm going to steal from you yeah you know what I think the best solution would be I'd love to hear your idea obviously she has a case and you're stuck in this place of do I do what's right and get my money back or you know with that action I tear apart my family I think you can have the best of everything you'd only get about 30k the best case scenario you could do here is have a lawyer draft a non-compete so your brother cannot start his own company in that area for X number of years and you'll say hey you know what you [ __ ] me over you stole from me as long as you sign this non-compete that you can't work in the same industry and sell the same product we've been selling in this area of what 500 Miles radius whatever it is I'll forget about what you did and stole you won't go to jail you won't do Jail jail time you don't have to pay me back but you're not going to steal my business well and I got one more for you they said we want to be we're going to give them a partnership in that location you had a partnership in that location you already given them 50% of the so what I mean what's a partnership in in anybody else's mind he wants a stake in all of the company we know what he wanted but he's not he's not adding to that other area so it was crazy from the get you're right but you're you're you're getting away from what I what I where I was going they were discussing a partnership just on that one thing they had the partnership he got 50% of whatever that deal did it was done he cannot be trusted he tripped on he tripped on his D and she can either go file a claim of fraud against him and theft and go after him well that would be on his record or he can she can say keep what you got and sign this you're non-compete and you go on your marry life you want to go to a different town and start a different business and a different thing but this B this town was mine I got you you you worked it but you were compensated for that and now you took more compensation for this so this is that you're going to jail or you know for or something you're going to have to go deal with this battle or take the money go somewhere else start a new business and good luck to you you may have learn this business and I but you're out of here well that's the other aspect of it it's like oh if he tries to argue I did all this work you know I I made you so much money but it's like these are skills you wouldn't have had without us my husband drove down and taught you how to do all of this you got paid you got paid for it you got paid 50% of the profits it's big you know it's it's really big we own the business you got paid for it you were compensated you have no argument yeah I'm done with this so my answer is do whatever you need to do to get your leverage in place go to him and present to him the real hard fact you stole from me I can't trust you good good luck in wherever town you go to go start your own business under your own name under your own thing and go good luck to you and and I just don't want I I have to cut my exposure to you because you are dangerous to me yeah I find it very interesting that within families there are certain members of those families that are Ultra protected by everybody and I think it's really annoying because now everyone's saying to her you're going to tear our family apart that is very true is it really me they're manipul they're manipulating and the real reality is she's not doing it he did it right absolutely he's the one that put himself in this position and he's having everyone try to fight his battle [ __ ] that I would go to court I'd get the money back I'd fire him because it's not on you that's right it's on him it absolutely is on the family is not being torn apart by you this is not your decision and I hate how if everyone else in the family is looking at you and saying if you do this what did you do I think it's so stupid how certain members in families are so heavily protected no matter what they do and then all the blame goes to other people it's interesting you bring that up because in additional info they go my brother was The Golden Child he was a rural follower good grades good with money and literally did Life by the book A lot of people especially family can't believe that he did this and think I'm exaggerating dead life by the book until now Integrity this is all about integrity release the receipts send a family email documenting here is the jobs he did here is all of what he stole I mean maybe give him the chance to pay or then say has he's not doing it well then go to court it's time but I think there's more if you look at the long game like let's play the long game here she's going to get 30k in court or she could have him sign a non-compete take over that area with someone she can trust he's going to go to jail he's going to go to jail otherwise it's either jail time it's well here's his options jail time and paying me back because because fraud or I'll let you off the hook by signing a non-compete do you really want to leave your wife and newborn baby at home alone while you're in prison I don't think so sweetie sign the thing and then you get the long game of that area for X number of years and you make even more money than the 30k you would have got and by the way the 30k to me is nothing because let me tell you what it cost to go file to file to file a suit and not only does she have to file the suit he has to file the suit now to go defend himself the best deal for this guy is we're going to wash the money I'm going to sign the non-compete for this area and I'm going to go do something somewhere else yeah and he's being off this is like getting pulled over for a speeding ticket and being off with a warning this is the best thing for him it really is and the fact I'm not worried about him and the fact the fact that he it's the best thing for her too it's the best thing for our writer and by the way the fact that he takes this deal it eliminates everybody else and he puts in that agreement that he can't bring this up to anybody else this is a sealed agreement yeah we're done so the answer is is this this is the the play this is not a rock in a hard place to me this is this is the only answer and go on and let that let this take him down a different Road yes it will affect his life he made that choice yes the moment he took money with the idea and the intent not not to surrender it to the business yeah yeah it's interesting to he says I was going to bring it up but couldn't find the time no you just wanted the money and he warranteed these jobs under the company so if anything did go wrong with them he did shitty work because it was under the table he was trying to get them done fast then she's out that money as well she didn't make any profits and now to maintain the image of her company she's out that money that it's going to cost to warranty those items I I I will say one thing we don't know the mechanics how he did this so take that take that you know into consider we're giving our advice thinking more of the imagine how he did do it we don't know really the mechanics that he pulled this off but NE I will say it's not nothing here was done with Integrity period no okay well I I guess we we tore this one apart I know this one got us a little heated okay moving along yes ma'am are you ready there buddy yes I'm ready Story number two my female 30 and my boyfriend male 32 have been together for over 2 years and live together however our living situation isn't ideal we live with his dad and sister and we all chip in for rent it's the only way boyfriend and I can afford a place to live right now him and I both work part-time and receive disability payments from the government other than that we're happy and working hard to get money to put aside for our eventual move out of the home maybe even Town that's the context here's the problem my dad who also lives in the same town went through a midlife crisis of about 15 years ago and bought an 88 Benz he was determined to rebuild and have Road ready for himself but eventually for me him and I made a deal years ago that I would inherit the bz circumstances have changed life has gotten in the way and the BS never really got fixed instead he compiled all of the manuals Parts bolts some tools and personal notes for how the car was supposed to be done then last year out of the blue he texted me to ask if I wanted to take the BS at first it was supposed to be temporary while he was in the middle of moving we had enough room to store it for a while but I was upfront with him that it's only temporary and that he would have to help with the cost of Towing my boyfriend is also a mechanic and was confident at first that maybe he could get the car running enough for us to move it somewhere more secure or even just hand it back to my dad there was clear communication between all parties and [ __ ] still hit the fan how I'm ready for the [ __ ] storm turns out the car is way more far gone than anticipated fuel lines need to be redone and other engine problems need addressing that are out of my boyfriend's ability and come with a $20,000 repair bill now we're stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place and my dad has now shifted the entire car onto us he's guilt tripped me he's gas lit me and he's just exasperated the entire situ ation not only between him and I but the relationship between me and my in-laws my ideal outcome would be to just sell the car either for scrap SL parts or to someone who will be able to rebuild it and give it the TLC it needs I just want it gone additional info as mentioned before boyfriend and I are lowincome Meanwhile my dad makes close to 90k a year and has plenty of resources to pull from to make this car go away he also won't even let me sell it at as is even though the car is registered under my name also any sentimental value the car once had has completely vanished you know I can relate to this we sure can um the answer really is simple you're just connected from the car would that be correct she's done I would say okay there there's no money in the car let's just say the car is whatever if if it's a dollar if it's 5 thou if it's $3,000 there's and it's not $3,000 it might be ,000 there's no money in this thing yeah so the the like full thing is Dad the the I I'm having the car I'm donating the car to the church they're going to go sell it at auction if you want it come get it but I I'm out of it I'm done it it's just not working out for us and as much as it would be a lovely project and the intention was great it's over with so come get it you have about a week and it's your car if that's it it's that simple if you if if you're done call the wrecker have them come get the car and say we're scrapping it it's in your name you can sign give them the title you're done yeah there's really easy resources for that too oh you just F out a form online they tell you how much they'll give you the truck shows up mhm bye-bye that's it it's all done easy solution we have a car parked in front of your house my Audi that's not going to go away we sold it on eBay the guy never came and got it I I I I but what did you just say to me the other night I I said I'm going to keep the car I want fix it and you went ballistic on me it where you going to put it that question one that but also two you get to a point with these old cars that even though you're attached and you find the beauty in it the car cost 20K to fix or do you say hey I'm going to find another 2 01 Audi TT that actually runs and is only 5K well I was actually thinking of pulling the motor and and making an electric car but with what time and money what time and money again I live in fantasy world you do just like this guy so by the way just like this guy wait wait wait by the way if any of you any of my kids out there how many kids do I have now roughly uh 27k on YouTube and a lot of audio listeners so any of my children out there want to take a car we want to elect rfy it I have my Audi TT which would be a fun project you can have it for free so it's located in Los Angeles California you will need a truck and trailer but it is yours completely free chime on in let's see you in the comments yeah I really loved it it was great this is and wait wait and then you could say I have Dad's car yeah you could but you have to show us what you do with it yes that's a good stipulation okay okay so we're willing to so you're telling me right now right on this spot that dad's going to sign the title away to somebody who really wants the car but there is it doesn't come with the p it does not come with the piss on it rule the piss on it rule is you you you really got to go through the we explained it two episodes ago and you got to Electrify the car the car is going to be an electric car oh man so if any of you want to do it I think you're asking for a lot with a piece of junk over there anyone wants to do it write in it's kind of like those videos where you are sitting there and you have a little thought bubble pop up and it goes to this dream sequence in a show and you're just like watching someone drive around and this really they did everything perfectly exactly how you wanted driving around electric they just plug it in when they get home everything's been redone and perfect meanwhile the other side of it is just getting crushed by that car crusher at the dump yeah and you're sitting here just thinking gosh that car is going to be so good for someone and then this let's let's look at it this way the car is between the Rock and the hard place so is this one so back to this right in y I think what I would do is get the title fill it out like you're signing it over and you say here Dad I have filled this out it is getting transferred back to your name you have 30 days to file it if it's not filed and the ownership does not change and you do not get it out of my garage I will be selling it I think it's great I think that's really the greatest deal and by the way I don't have the the means I don't have the time it has been more than we can chew mhm and we got to be done yeah otherwise you take it I'm with you and you can make this dream of yours still happen I'm with you it's tough though I mean it's it's to the point where if her dad doesn't take that deal and transfer back or take possession of it again you could be burning a bridge with your dad over this and that's that's a sad that's a sad reality to be faced with but he's also not stepping up and doing anything about it so it just is what it is it is what it is especially given his income level compared to theirs we have we have had this conversation today regarding daughters and dads it started with Julie a friend of mine who's who's got some issues just with her aging dad and I think the guy's got every marble plus more that you ever imagin but he's a stubborn guy and I said here's your choices this is I say but don't put yourself there to do it let the natural uh things of the real Universe take control of this thing and my answer to you is the same on this he doesn't want to do it you don't own this problem anymore yeah the car wasn't supposed to be handed down in this condition the eventual promise was to hand it down once it's all ready look I've done all this stuff I I I have had cars in in our life that I wanted to do when she was like 5 years old I bought this you know the Jensen Healey MH and I said we'll do it together we'll mean something to her all her life and she was nine she drove the car through you know in the 10 acre field drove it around and she when she turned 16 she go I don't want this thing we never did it I don't want it make it and we made it go away she woke up about a month and a half ago crying I want the car back I want to do our own Mercedes that we have it was your dad's car that's the one that was like really mean a lot cuz that's the first car I learned how to drive in well um so we have our own Mercedes we we relate a little heavy to this one this one definitely hit home but again we're going to we're getting off Arch it's the think about the Audi if you want to Electrify it Dad has a car for you make comments chime on in and uh all of us will we'll play with us a little bit online see who's going to do it yeah and there might be a listener for this car too that wants to redo an 88 bz and I did look on on eBay just to see about what you'd get for it a project car for a project car there's a 1987 Mercedes 420 SLE rear wheeel drive automatic transmission with 127k miles on it mhm uh $1,200 on eBay right now yeah what did I say about a thousand bucks so I got I got the Maserati sitting in Superior with guys we have so many cars if anyone needs a project we will give you one we'll give you the car um but I think I think you do what said you sign over the title you say here Dad you have 30 days to get it if you do not then I'm going to post it whether that's offer up Craigslist eBay scrap but you know I would rather see things there are people that would take this and actually do it they would give him give him the chance post it on those places first you know your balloon that you were talking you know you see the crush car the square y get it crushed and say here Dad well that's just mean here's a coffee table that's just painful well he's got the car still but that like I just also hate seeing things get wasted like there is still a place for this car in the world potentially with the right person with the right person I think even if you gave it away for free or 500 bucks just to make your you know feel better but I think there could be someone out there there's an Audi 2003 beautiful TT and it's parked in front of Justin's house and we'd love it someone to take it and Electrify it since Morgan won't let me do it so yeah there you go okay Justin's GNA read the next two and then I think I will finish it off number three number three hi beautiful people and Holly I love the whole FKS and tht gang and can't express how much you guys do with this platform I'm coming to you with a problem that's always been prevalent in my relationship my 24 male boyfriend and I 22 female have been dating for almost 3 and 1/2 years for this story I will call my boyfriend friend a hello a a and I both struggle with mental health but a has some really bad depression and ADHD it breaks my heart to see him suffering but I am at a loss on what I should do for one he has always struggled to keep a job because he does not find anything he does to be fulfilling I want to empathize with him but I am scared that he will be working odd jobs instead of getting a career I got lucky I'm working my dream job after graduating college early I have a salary job and I can't help but feel he may resent me for it a will tell me that he wants to pursue something then a few months later he will quit if he doesn't quit once his mind is made up he does not cut ties with an employer on good terms I'm worried about him he is constantly stressed about money and feels that the future is not something to look forward to I've given him some money for Jerry's sake I gave it as a gift not expecting to be paid back and sometimes it strains my ability to save up I try my hardest to help around the house clean our room and bathroom do the dishes laundry buy groceries and let him borrow my car I even took us on a week-long trip because he has never been to one of my favorite places keep in mind I like doing these things I stress clean so it helps relieve my anxiety and I love giving gifts whether small or large as tokens of appreciation I say all this to say that I feel like no matter what I do I'm never doing enough I know that depression is a very ser thing and I hope it comes across as I am trying my best to help him I listen I tried to comfort and say things to cheer him up but I can't help that it gets to me when he talks morbidly about the future with kids housing and experiences in general I can remind myself of how serious depression is all day long but I'm taking it personally I just don't know how to help if I need to protect myself or overall just how to make sure I'm keeping myself and my mental health in a good place I'm open to any suggestions and any advice is good advice if you made it this far I really appreciate you all and again I love the show thank you for being here for all of us you all deserve the best good Ryden um I'm going to let you actually answer this one first why me because you have a an interesting side of mental uh capacity relationships and I want to hear your your thoughts first and then I'll chime in this is a tough one it honestly could have been in one of our themes that we're recording after this which is um it's like intervention or time to walk away um and it kind of It kind of fits in that but it's challenging I mean depression and anxiety are wicked battles and then you add in being neurode Divergent with ADHD and things like that and it's it really compounds one thing after another but I think he just really needs needs to take time to focus on himself and figure out what he's passionate about in life you know with ADHD we can jump around a lot and quit jobs and be very you know spontaneous and things like that or have a hard time staying in one place or doing one thing like it's really interesting because when I think about doing OT like back before the podcast OT was like very much so like after going to grad school I was walked in and when I think about that now I'm like that is so unlike me because if you look at my job history I was a server I was a nanny I was a flight attendant I worked at Lululemon I did this I did that and a part of that was because I wasn't happy at any of them and I kept jumping to the next one to determine is this going to make me happy is this going to be the job I actually love so it takes trial and eror and I think one thing that's interesting about but that's healthy that's healthy I think it's totally healthy I look at this and I think the only unhealthy thing is is when he ends things not on good terms with an employer but I think one thing about our generation is we are the generation of job Hoppers the boomer generation and that the um silent generation or whatever I don't even know all the names but your generation was very much so in a place where you had a career and you went and maybe you had two jobs your whole life but you're a little different unusual but the average person in your generation there wasn't a lot of hopping which then you have you know people now that are God these Millennials ain't loyal they job hop to more money they don't stay at a company they're not loyal to the company so you hear that I think it just goes to show like we are just different we were raised with technology our brains are different we might need more of a threshold to keep us engaged which might mean hopping to jobs it sounds like he's just really lost right now and needs a reset to find himself that is hard as you're still trying to maintain some sense of financial Independence and not rely on people and you have to eat and have a roof over your head but I think he really needs to do some soul searching and that might help with his depression and anxiety and things like that is this her problem it's not necessarily her problem but this is her partner can she support him can she encourage him to try something hey you've always wanted to go work on a yacht why don't you apply to be a a a sailor whatever and go work on a yacht for two weeks in the whatever like there's so many random jobs that might interest him so I think it would really take like let's narrow down what you're interested in and let's go from there so I I see it the in this Dimension let's hear it she's in a relation and and and she's the one that's coming to me as her her child meaning she's saying dad can you what what are your thoughts okay so now you you heard from your sister so you're her child no no I yeah you s it weird I I said well this great let let's get she she's coming to me as she is my child and so you just heard from your sister okay now here's here's dad dad wants to know what do you get out of this relationship I want you to reflect on that what is the importance of this person and the health of you long term in this relationship what what's really coming here and if it's not healthy for you and it's bringing you down and it's causing you concern is this the person that you want to have children with they're not married yet no they're just dating they're together they're a couple and I understand that sometimes you love the person you're with and you don't want to abandon them because like this guy says when it doesn't work out he gets dark and you're worried about him and there's issues going on you got to be in the relationship for the right reason number one so I want rather me telling you what to do I want you to process that one first what why am I in this relationship is it healthy for him me being I she hasn't fixed him he he's still broken and it's not up to her to fix him he's not the one that wrote in and said guys I have a problem what do I do she's the one that wrote in that says what do I do so my answer to you really is is that you first need to establish what is the importance what am I why am I in this relationship how is it balanced how are we growing together and if we're not growing together you need to make the decision is this the person you want to go through your life with cuz it's a long life yeah and or why did I say you know something I really do care about you and I do love you but this isn't healthy for our long-term commitment and we are not the right match for one another and we need to go change our relationship meaning I I can be in your life but I'm not in the life as your partner well in the same breath of like what I should have said too is he's lost and he might need to go find himself right now but that doesn't mean it necessarily needs to involve you it might be best if you break up like if this isn't a healthy relationship he's not no matter what you do no matter how generous you are no matter any circumstances that you can change he's not changing he's not becoming healthier he's not getting better he may need to go get some assistance just by himself yeah and get healthy for himself and then that way you guys can be healthy as a couple so let me give you some more info okay okay ideal outcome I want to you were holding back on yeah I was going to say he's holding back well you guys just go back and forth It's hard to pop in do you feel left out over here no it's just it's kind of like when you talk to your friends it's hard to like get a word in cuz you're both waiting for each other to finish your sentence and you instantly start talking Moran can we both be quiet and let and let Mr Justin give us all the update I know yeah ideal outcome I want to stay together I just need help figure out where to go SL what to do from here I don't want to have hard feelings anything else we broke up for a period of time because I felt that he was taking out his anger and self loathing on me he got helped for a bit but then fell back down one of his close family members has cancer and this played a large role in his mindset and so where my head's at with this is change needs to come from within you're not going Inspire someone to start eating better you're not going to inspire someone to work out more you're not going to inspire someone to go get help you're not going to inspire all this change that you can clearly see that they would benefit from mhm it has to come from within them that's right and the other thing with looking forward in this relationship whether it's long-term partnership marriage whatever you have to be ready to commit to what's in front of you right now cuz you can Hope for Change but it doesn't mean change is coming so this could be the rest of your life what you see is what you get that's a really good point well maybe once you sure I mean obviously once you get married change can happen he can refind a passion it can reignite everything or in some of those other instances someone could start taking better care of themselves and that can definitely change it happens but you have to be ready to commit to that not happening potentially that is like so important to remember because I think a lot of times in relationships we imagine oh the potential if he just paid a little bit more attention to me if he just you know put in a little bit more effort and bought me flowers no what you see is what you get and I think that's a really really important thing to remember and if and if what you see is what you get would you still want to be there in 10 years exactly yeah and that that's the thought process that you need to really think about wow yeah because I don't know how much influence you're going to have and I think the more influence you try to have he's going to pull the opposite way yes it's going to it's not going to it's not your position to take yeah I want you to imagine a second you are a strong guy would you agree to that depends what kind of strong we're talking about you got you you're strong you're physically a very you got bravado in I mean you're a strong guy and you can swim I I would imagine this is my strongest okay and I want you to go put a 10 pound weight around your waist now I know you can make it across the pool but I want to ask you how many how hard is make it across that pool day in and day out right what are you going to do with that weight finally or are you going to you going to keep doing it probably not make you stronger I mean you're going to become stronger eventually notice it but but if I put then then then as you get older and the rubber band gets tighter the weight go goes up on that now now you got 20 pounds it's a lot to deal with it's a lot to carry that's that's the point here so I want you to really as your dad I want you to consider all this thought yeah okay keep us posted everyone so far keep us posted and everyone to come but yeah moving moving along on this one okay we got we have another one I think still in the hopper let's go read it up Quattro that's eight Quattro dear Jerry Morgan and Justin as a firsttime mom living in a foreign country I've been struggling with my family's expectations regarding sharing photos of my newborn baby my family is back in my home country and we talk regularly however before the baby was born my husband and I decided to draw a boundary around sharing photos due to previous negative experiences with family members sharing our private photos online without our permission we've had a similar one right it wasn't this I don't remember this at all was this in two out takes we've read very before we talked about us this a lot on down the rabbit hole got it okay however before the baby was born my husband and I decided to draw a boundary around sharing photos due to previous negative experiences with family members sharing our private photos online without our permission we are a private couple with no personal social media accounts and have never shared our per and have never shared our own personal photos online however we have shared photos privately with family members via WhatsApp over the years which have ended up on their Facebook accounts despite our requests to not share them we've shared fewer photos with our family over time as a result we've decided not to share any photos of our baby privately or publicly online due to our duty to protect our child's privacy and security we're uncomfortable with the possibility of photos being automatically saved to people's phones and uploaded to a cloud server without their knowledge which can definitely happen when I communicated this to my family group chat they reacted negatively calling me names and being insulting they're demanding a photo of my baby but I don't want to give into their demands and hold firm on my boundary am I being unreasonable I'd appreciate any advice you could give me on how to handle this situation thank you well I have no problem taking this one right off the bat but since I was such a person that allow Morgan to speak First with her ideas on the last one and you felt a little eclipsed you're on uh I want to add maybe the anything else okay we told my family that they can video chat with us and the baby anytime so it's not like they will never see the baby we just don't want to send photos my husband's side of the family have been completely understanding not even questioning why we wouldn't send a photo and have been respectful and really that's ideally how we would like the other side to respond but I don't think they're going to get there no so in this the easiest thing is it's your baby it's pictures that involve your your baby so it's completely your call no one I mean I understand family being like I want to see the picture like even with our new house like everyone in my family wants to see photos of it and like they're excited about it of course imagine how that intensifies with a new child a new family member so you can kind of see where they're coming from in wanting the picture but take the take the video chat but even video chat you're risking it because they can screenshot and all that so you're video chat isn't the it's come see them like physically come here and leave your phone out of it and come see them but otherwise they should try like you just got to respect the boundry so I'm I'm ready this is my turn now now I'm going to take it back you're I let you you're done right I'm not interrupting you for now okay so I have had a relationship with you know certain people that would say it's no sweat off your ass send me the picture and d and shut up and I am so with this Mom we have no idea with face recognition we have no idea with Retina recognition some of these parents may not have a clue or grandparents have a clue what's really going on with technology on how much we're exposing our ourselves with pictures it's it's big I mean it's going to be huge and we're going to have a lot of identity issues going on on with people using the illicit or the corrupt uh intention with this yeah because mankind so sad we were in our first story The you gave a guy enough rope and he and he literally stole from his sister and I'm not saying everybody does that but there is people that use the illicit side to to do things the fact that the they said guys we can FaceTime and you can see them all you want I think that's that is wonderful and sweet but let me tell you it's bold because there's a thing called screenshots and all those screenshots can to be taken it we live in a compromising world today and no one is digesting this and especially people that might be from a different country that don't really recognize what is really going on in technology yeah I'm a technology freak and I see all this stuff that could be going on in in the wrong way to use it so I say to you do not feel guilty if you want to give them a high understanding and let them understand truly what's going on and show them examples what's happening in the world maybe they'll get it they might respect that boundary that's what I would do it's really tough to get people that don't get the word boundaries to to deal with it because I know some people that don't like the word boundary they don't get they it's not even in the vocabulary and when you bring it up to them they think that you're just being an [ __ ] yeah it's not being an [ __ ] there's reality to it but these people are also the type of people who would be like we would never do that but they did it I but but they would be like but they would be like we would never do that with your baby that's not us I know but as soon as you send them the Articles and all the the [ __ ] they would be like oh that's just sharing an innocent picture that would be them yeah you're right you know who these people are right yeah so here's the thing Justin and I did a deep dive for this on our down the rabbit hole show we used to have talking about like the real terrible side of sharing your kids on social media and we like dove into Tik Tok and this woman that was posting videos of her baby eating bananas playing with tampons things like that comments All old men your baby's so beautiful shares and saves a lot more so you know you have these people that are saving this video and this is the reality there are sick people out there they're saving this video I'm going to interrupt you a second there are there's there's there is a lot of sick people there's a lot look at what happens to kids vulnerable little humans and those videos are getting saved for very inappropriate things and it's not just that like video look at Deep fakes they could put your kid's face on another person's body doing something else AI right now is doing crazy things some helpful a lot terrifying in my eyes there's so many things that could go wrong and it's just also the fact like is your kid going to want that on social media when they get to an age where they can choose that no probably not I am so glad my mom didn't have Facebook because there would for sure be bathtub pictures of me out there my mom shares everything on Facebook so no I did do some research though as I was sitting here because I don't know where I heard this lately but I'm pretty sure grinder which is a dating app for I believe just game men but maybe other people can go on there too if you share a picture on grinder and you try to screenshot it it screenshots with Emojis covering everything and so I was like huh okay this family doesn't need to download grinder but like is there an app that does the same thing and based on a quick Google search there are apps that do this so there's a new photo sharing app called yovo it protect protects your pictures and messages from being reproduced by screenshots similar to the likes of Snapchat and slingshot yovo is a self-destructing photo sharing app with a few Security Options to prevent users from misusing your photos there's also an app called cani which prevents screenshots with our patented screen shield technology and it's available on IOS and Android so there is stuff there's stuff out there where like if you really got to a point where they're harass you also the fact they're calling you mean names and insulting you why would you reward their bad behavior with a photo what if you used another phone to take a picture of the phone screen that's the other thing you can never truly prevent it you can never truly prevent it like are they smart enough to take a picture with like if they're this crazy maybe yeah and that might be the reality so bottom line is it's your baby like you said it's your baby it's your choice and I think you're making the right one they've proven they can't be trusted and they're manipulative they're insulting you they're being mean to you don't reward their bad behavior you want you want to see the baby book a ticket [ __ ] boundaries I I really have to say with people and my generation is you know really guilty of this because I I see it and I'm sure maybe other Generations are as well but we got to really learn to respect the wishes of the people that we're with and not challenge them why are you making that decision just accept the decision that they're making they have their reasons for making that choice we just have to listen to it yeah so you say you have one more I have one more we actually stopped recording we were going to end this episode and I was going to put it in another theme but looking at the themes that I have ready I don't have one that it's appropriate for and I just think this rock and a hard place theme is definitely where this one fits so we have one last last one for this episode we have some trigger warnings discussion of suicide and mental illness and then there is an additional note from the writer that I want to read before we get into the story okay so it goes I know the term is quote died by Suicide but as someone who has also struggled with suicidal ideation and attempts thankfully not in that place anymore I Ed the phrasing I did in my writing to remind myself that even though it's a hard place it's still a choice and it would have life-altering effects on my family I don't expect you to agree with the phrasing but I hope you understand and respect where I'm coming from thank you okay so as we read their right in they use language that still says committed suicide versus died by Suicide so I just want to like make that clear that that's a very intentional Choice by our writer and I wanted to explain it to everyone before we really jumped into it okay okay hi Jerry Morgan and Justin I 24 female am struggling with how to ask my mom 44 female to let me read my biological father's suicide note to make things easy I'm going to refer to my biod dad by a name let's call him Mark and My adoptive dad just as dad anyways when I was a year old Mark committed suicide he had struggled with depression for a long time and didn't ever get help or treatment my mom and him were married for 2 years and she didn't even know until after he died I know this sounds weird but she was in her early 20s and stuff like that wasn't talked about as much then so I don't blame her anyways her high school sweetheart was going through divorce at the same time and they reconnected while they were both dealing with their grief they married a little over a year after Mark died when I was two and when I was five dad adopted me dad had my two older siblings from his first marriage and he has never treated me any different than his biological kids he's the only dad I knew and remember having around so of course I love him just as any daughter loves her father I've always known that I had a father who died Mark's parents are a major part of my family's life and one thing they asked of my mom was to always ensure I knew about Mark which she wholeheartedly agreed to when I was younger I was told that he was sick and died because he didn't take his medicine as he got older though I started asking questions and my mom sat me down and told me the whole story when I was nine now here lies the problem I'm facing since I've known about this suicide I knew Mark left a note because my mom told me over the years I've asked her if I could read it but she's always saide no and given an explanation SL excuse it's not very longe I don't think you'll get out of it what you think you will quote I don't remember where I put it usually I would ask for a little little bit then drop it after a day or two now though it feels a little more urgent Mark died when he was 23 and now I'm 24 as weird as it sounds when I was growing up and as a young adult I would occasionally think about what he was doing at my age and where he was at emotionally now there's no what was he doing at my age because he didn't make it to 24 and honestly I kind of feel like if he was old enough to write that note I'm old enough to read it Mark was creep ated and his ashes spread so I don't have a grave site or a little jar I can go to to honor him or talk to him I do have pictures of video of mom and Mark's wedding rehearsal and my grandparents have some of his stuff but that's it I don't know and never will know how he smelled what his hands felt like what it was like to get a hug from him how his morning voice was different than his full awake Voice or what it felt like to have him smile at me all I have is the stuff and information people who knew him gave to me or show me and as morbid as it may sound I want to know what some of his last thoughts were I want to see how this decision affected his handwriting and to actually see him say that he loves me since I'm never going to hear it and I just don't feel like my mom's reasoning for not showing it to me makes sense she's never shied away from my questions about Mark and always made sure I had pictures to know what he looked like so it feels weird that she's keeping this from me I'm not trying to replace my dad I love him and he will always be the man who raised me the one who was here the one that I can fully love since I know him I just feel like Mark's note is a part of my story too and whether we like it or not will always be a part of me is it selfish for me to want to read the note how do I approach this subject with my mom and convince her to let me read it should I just drop it and let it remain a mystery until she's ready if she ever is any and all thoughts would be appreciated I have asked her if she was waiting for a specific time to show me and she said no so that rules that out thank you for reading you know it's amazing there's so many messages in that read first of all how much for granted we take the ones we love to understand there's a difference in a voice from the morning to the evening I almost started crying when I was reading that there there is so much depth here and the the fact that you are now ready in your mind that you really will understand it I understand your mom might never be ready for it to be read and that's a conversation that you can only have with her that you know this part of that note was written not only for her it was written to you and you may be and I'm assuming that but you there was something that you said that made me believe that so maybe she might have made made mention of that and maybe you need to reaffirm with your mom when when Mark wrote the note was there any part in that note that was referred to me and if she says yes then you'd say mom for that one reason part of Mark's wishes is that I would read it and I want to honor Mark right now by doing that and see how see where that goes now again I'm only assuming that something was in there the other thing that came to my mind when when you started to go down this you know into this into this story is how feared I am just to hear the word suicide I know I have a sister that used to talk of suicide quite a bit she got help she never went down that road but it was a common um reference that or or thought that she had consistently in her life when she was young she fought with a lot of different demons but I will say that it it's a it's a conversation nobody wants but it is so apparent there are so many friends that I have in my life today that it is it is definitely out there it is so real and we're so but because it's a fear we don't really know how to deal with it because we're all afraid of it but but our loved ones are definitely feeling this stuff well and looking at Mark like markk was the statistic young males are more likely to commit suicide than females like it is very real and it's you know it speaks a lot to how we raise our boys how we don't provide them the structure to talk about their feelings or share their mental health struggles so Morgan Morgan the ones that this is a good reminder and the ones that I know of are all males yeah I look at my little brother really struggles with depression and it's it's a scary reality I'm faced with every day it's real we we both are it's real and they some people feel that when they if they get help they're weak it's mental weakness and I can deal with it rather than it's not weakness to try to get assistance yeah and and that is also a perception that somehow people have picked up and I don't know where it comes from and how to properly deal with it but it's it's definitely real absolutely so um I I I got off track to even because I was so absorbed with that I think this story I mean this is the the the epitome of rock in a hard place it's it's a really tough situation to be in but also I'm really appreciative of this writer for sharing because it might encourage people to talk and check in with their loved ones I'm I'm going to lose my thought okay you go okay so back to her I think her biggest thing is what do I do how do I ask my mom and I think I I I go back to what I said first as rain from your mom if in fact he wrote a directive a wish and part of that directive is to you if that is the case then you have a legal right to know it's what's on that thing and a moral and a moral right of and a moral obligation of her to share it with you and let you deal with it I know she's trying to protect you and that might be a message that you go back to your mom and say Mom I know you're trying to protect me I think you are but you know Mark certainly wanted me to know this and I I need to know this what are your thoughts down there yeah I mean I don't I don't know of any other way to handle it i' even what if there is nothing directly to her well I think sorry my brain goes down to the worst imaginable possibility first so I think that's the second thing where the very worst thing is this note talks about her in a negative light right I mean this man was struggling enough to take his life who knows where he put the blame so my thought when the mom is protecting her again and again and again and won't let her see this note my thought is it says something negative about her in there the next worst case scenario is it doesn't mention her at all right and then the third is like the the the happier ending where it is like he does mention her and it's in a positive which would be weird why to hide it for and that's my thought why is she so adamantly trying to hide this note and it it at this point does seem to be to protect you and I think that's a sad hard reality that you might have to prepare yourself for and maybe talk to your mom about and say hey I know I might be blamed in there I know it might not be what I want to see or what I want to hear yeah but I need to see it for my own my own understanding of this but then if you are you know because you've struggled with your own demons and your own suicidal ideation if that's something that could then trigger you you need to make sure you have an action plan set up so if you do get this note and you do read this note and it pushes you in a dark way you need to have an action plan ready so you have your therapist you can talk to you have support around you because it might not be the goodbye note you are expecting to read my other thought was maybe she lost the note and doesn't want to admit she lost it if it really did happen the note was lost then it's lost it's gone I know but why not just say that versus no you're not ready no I don't want to share it yeah but I feel like the police would maybe have a record of it so that would definitely be out there it would definitely be in the records if they keep records long enough I know some precincts have rules with how long they'll keep them things like that but if you want to try that route first before approaching your mom and just going to the Police Department yourself and try to ascertain it that way I would go one more time to Mom and say Mom this and then then she can certainly go to her mom and say you know Mom you're leaving the only other Avenue I have is to go to the police department because it's public information if I ask and I really want to get it from you I don't know if that would be public information but as next of kin you could have rights to something like that maybe I think yeah very tough situation you're in but I understand wanting to read this I think all of our minds would go there Curiosity and just trying to understand someone better A friend of mine in Minnesota uh five months ago six months ago uh my age My Generation had two sons and the father had contracted um Lyme disease now I don't know if it was lime if there was other issues I know he was was in pain for a long time and I I have another friend who whose husband was in pain a long time with back issues and both of them went down this to the same pattern and reality and they were they were in pain they wrote notes they certainly shared what was going on but you know and they all had kids and they wrote a note one of them uh the sons read the note you know I I I think he put it online or something I'm not even I might be confusing some stuff because I do do that but um I do know that that the reality was the fathers ended their lives and there were notes and the kids were definitely shared you know shared with these notes and their in the pain that they went through to try to explain it so yeah we'll see tough position keep us posted keep us posted and that is it I'll patch the ending that we already recorded in um but I just felt it was really important to get that story out and um for those that might be affected by the language our writer used I think it's just good to have some some empathy for each person's situation and not not try to take that personally because language is always changing and I get the reason it's changed but for this individual it it is a reminder for herself yeah and words words certainly take different desriptions over the ages we we we can look at the Bible and we can say what was what was interpreted at that point in time and yeah good luck yeah so here's the ending now so I want to thank everyone for chiming into this week's episode I um I'm abroad as you're hearing it and so I look forward to coming back and uh doing another show and and being a part of our lives and most importantly making us a part of yours so we look forward to seeing you are we doing a patreon next we have lots of amazing patreon content this month and because we posted um the episode that kind of lost its audio we wanted to make sure people still got quality content so if you're in the $10 tier mhm you also get access to a two hot takes full bonus episode as well so there's a lot of good lot of good stuff over on the FKS patreon and again thanks for subscri ring and and hearing us out and trying to help us out with that and we will see you next week I will be obviously here so will you and uh now she moves she's down on the floor yeah she gave up on the couch maybe Justin because he is so great we'll take some of these little outtakes I have of Holly trying to make herself comfortable on the blanket we'll put them in the end before the outro you'll see them they're very cute so good night we love you and thanks for uh bringing us into into your lives Bye by bye [Music] n

Channel: Father Knows Something

Views: 57,338

Keywords: fatherknowssomething, father knows something, podcast, twohottakes, dad advice, arm chair expert, stories, advice, father figure, family advice, dad problems, light hearted, life experience, father knows something podcast, listener write in, story reactions, dad blog, relationship advice, father advice, jerry, r/, rslash, r/slash, father knows podcast

Id: MjKifeX5Lkc

Length: 67min 9sec (4029 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 06 2023