Father Knows: LGBTQ+ ft. Deison Afualo of Two Idiot Girls || Father Knows Something Podcast

well hello everybody and welcome back to a whole different kind of episode of Father Knows something why is it different because tonight we have a new guest Morgan who's your friend this is like the total dad move where he's like met your friend a hundred times but doesn't know her name I know your name no I know he he did say my name a 100 times when I got here I know I'm just making a joke like my dad does that yeah I'm you don't know her name he does know Morgan I said I'm going to Morgan's house today he was like ni yes I made the cut I know your dad's name is Tate yeah it's my middle name really uh Morgan are you going to introduce her I kind of want to see you Pro yourself daon ah there we go I had to do it myself because Morgan failed to to rise to the occasion okay easy so this is the Morgan always says you know Dad you're always too serious time to cut loose a little bit I think this is going to be the episode it's always nice to have it you know you know you know fresh stock fresh meat in here oh God yes so we have Jason Offa wallo joining us today um if you are on two hot takes you'll probably recognize her from over there or maybe you're a two idiot girls fan which I hope you are and if you're not this is your call to check it out because it is an amazing podcast with Jon and Drew and they provide a lot of fun times also in Insight advice weird food I mean body positivity everything every topic Under the Sun you guys are really getting into and it's it's an amazing podcast so I had the opportunity of speaking to your mom for a while okay and hearing the history and I will definitely say God what with the history that your mom and your dad have and just your whole family I think you're going to be a great fit for this oh nice I'm excited so I am excited for Morgan to go dig in get into the trenches and let's see how we do yeah so today's theme is one that we've been building for a while it's all focused around rins related to lgbtq plus issues obviously the usual crew that sits on this couch can't really relate to those issues so we have Jon who is a part of the community and she is here to give some of her Insight uh we're going to do great it's going to be good I'm excited let's get into this one are we all ready not quite we got to drag drag our feet a little bit oh okay all right yeah I'm ready okay okay okay so up first hi Jerry I wanted to start off by saying how much I enjoy listening to you give Dad advice and I have watched almost every episode now on to my issue I 20 female who came came out as queer to my mom in June of 2022 I still live with my parents while I am going to college my dad already knew and was very supportive when I came out to my mom she didn't say anything just looked really upset and then left the house I started dating my now girlfriend shortly after coming out we had been friends for about 3 years before we started dating and my mom would always talk about how much she loved my friend and how sweet she was however that all changed since we started dating she won't come around if my girlfriend is over and she doesn't talk about her to me now unless it's to say passive aggressive things my 14-year-old sister just told me some of the things my mom has been saying to her about me my mom has told my younger sister that I am going through a phase and I am not actually gay I am only gay because my friend is gay and I want to fit in and that she is going to ignore it until the gayness goes away usually I can brush this stuff off and try to chalk it up to her religious upbringing however a couple of days ago she told my sister that I am a terrible person and that I am disgusting it really hurt me when I found that out I can hardly even look at my mom because I am so hurt every time I kiss my girlfriend hang out with her or try to be intimate with her I start to feel bad I feel disgusting unlovable and embarrassed I feel like because I am queer and dating a woman I've disappointed her and I feel a lot of shame my girlfriend is so kind and caring and is always there to reassure me when I'm feeling this way I didn't have these issues before my mom said that what do I do from here do I try to talk to her do I just tell her she needs to chill out or she won't have a relationship with me when I move out we're putting our guest on the spot here right away you know I mean typically the way it works is that I would start okay and you know obviously I don't have a lot of experience having to confront my parents with with some of this but I do have a sister that is part of the community okay and I know what happened in our home with that M so it was actually the opposite my mother was very very cool about it okay and my my father was in denial and it sounds like this this this mother is truly in denial and I don't know really as you started to read I was saying what is her you know her real um thorn in the sight about this is she more worried that her that she thinks her daughter can't have a child which we all know that that is not the case her her daughter can certainly conceive and have a child there are ways of doing this so she can be a grandmother yeah then there's the religious side you know some people you know do believe that if you are you know not staying with a normal heterosexual relationship and you know procreating you're against God and what God intended and you're going to hell and you know I've heard all this stuff yeah you know so trying to get your parent to accept you I think in a lot of cases it might be a totally different story sure what makes your parent you know get weird or goofy it may not even have anything to do with being uh gay or or anything else it's just you know if it's not exactly what they want then they have their tizzies yeah in this case do I really think that she should sit down with her mom and say mom you know I really want to talk about your you know your your problems your aversions to this and rather than being mean about it that we can discuss it because look you're my mom you're one of the most important people in my life and I don't I don't really want to disappoint you but I can't not be who I am and if something changes in the future and I find something different that I was bisexual and was because of the person that I had this relationship and it wasn't just that I had to find a female CU sometimes you just don't know it's the person that you that you're open to anything because you're looking at the soul of the person and not the sexuality of that person so I think it'd be interesting to to start with that dialogue now I'm going to shut up I was gonna say and I'm going to I'm oh not not shutting up and I'm going to pass I was to say that um I think it's really powerful to have you know this podcast let just give you guys some Kudos um especially for queer kids who don't have good relationships with their parents them getting to listen to a dad be a dad and almost like a father figure in their life that's really powerful if you really think about it even if you don't if just like straight kids in general straight people like if they don't have good relationships with their Dads this podcast means a lot to them because it makes me think like my parents were super accepting of me when I came out to them it was me that wasn't accepting of myself like trying to figure out what what am I doing who do I like and this is confusing and my parents were super cool with that um and my cousins they threw a pride party this last year and both my parents came my mom dressed up in like the most rainbow thing she could find she made my dad and my brother wear rainbow stuff like and they don't care um my sister and her boyfriend came they were rainbow stuff and I forget how powerful it is to have a family that's that accepting cuz not everyone else gets to experience that so I wanted to give you Kudos cuz I they said they love listening to this podcast and that means a lot to them and I'm sure everything everything you said that's what I would do I would sit my mom down and be like let's have a conversation about this because I can't help who I am what are the what are the rules going into a conversation like this because you know obviously the mother is not going to you know I don't know if you can even go to the m we're going to have a conversation but we want to put a few rules up here yeah what are the rules that the uh um that the daughter says to the mother I mean we might even have I I'm I'm aware of stuff where parents were heterosexual and a parent gets divorced because they find out they were gay yeah and then the kids got to go have an opposite conversation but in this conversation what does she say when she goes to have this conversation with Mom are the rules to to set something up so they can be they can actually have it to be a conversation that goes a a a good direction it's effective yeah even though it may not end up where they want it to end up but at least it doesn't end up in a in a total blowout sure I think yeah setting boundaries of A Sort with your mom like I want to be able to have this conversation with you without both of us getting upset um and I want to be able to be honest with you I think too whenever I try to have tough conversations with people I try to be really honest about like everything I'm saying isn't to hurt you because you take everything really personally when you're upset or when you feel like you're being attacked or anything like that so maybe you're like everything I'm saying isn't to hurt you I just want to be able to have a conversation about this in a way where we can both be honest with each other cuz this hurts me and I feel like I'm hurting you too but I want to make sure we could do this in a way that's healthy yeah how did your coming out conversation go like did you s just sit them down and say it or like what did that look like for you no I like well I went to college and I'm the oldest so my mom always called me the guinea pig like they tried everything with me first and then they're okay well do this with Drew and then with Donovan um no I thought I was straight and then I went to college and I did the gayest thing you could do I joined a rugby team and I'd never been around that many queer people especially queer women before I was like I was like they're all just being normal like to me I was like obviously super internally homophobic like I'm like oh like they like me cuz I'm a girl when like that's not the case at all um and then I met a girl on my team and I was like I feel different about her and my friend we were like I think she was drunk but I wasn't and I told her oh yeah like I think she's pretty and the next morning she brought it up to me and I was so embarrassed I was like you were supposed to be drunk I didn't know you would remember that and and then my mom has like an insane like mother sense like spidey sense so she randomly called me the very next day after I admitted I had a crush on this girl to my friend she was like did you like I was thinking like you never talk about boys like are you hanging out with boys or like what's going on like are you dating and then I was like um no like immediately crying and I told her I think I like a girl on my team and my mom was like okay are you guys talking I'm like I don't know like I was just really upset because I wasn't ready to accept that I was gay and then um my mom was like whatever happens happen if you end up with her and you like it that's fine if you don't I don't care and then so that was my mom and then when I came home I told Drew and she was very like what like no you don't like cuz every all your friends are gay that's why you know and then the next day she was like I don't know why I said that I'm sorry because I feel like a lot of parents I I don't want to speak for this mom um there's a fear in there of like how your kids's going to get treated not just by Society but like within my family like extended our family's very religious extended um and it's I've dealt with a a lot of religious trauma through that too so wow um that's like a whole other layer so I think there's a fear especially as a parent like you don't want your kid to have to experience being hurt or treated different or looked at different um and then I told my dad uh I got like a c in a college class which like we weren't allowed to get C's growing up and my mom was like just tell him and I was like oh I have a girlfriend and my mom was like not that tell him you got to see and I was like what my dad was like I don't care if you have 10 girlfriends why do you why are you getting a c and I was like oh him and Donovan were the easiest not my little brother he was probably like I don't know maybe 10 and I'd brought my girlfriend at the time to the house as my best friend and um I told him oh yeah we're dating and he was like what and he was like so you're gay and I was like sure like yeah that's fine and then he was like do you think I'm gay too and I was like what and he cuz I also love my best friend I'm all no that's not how it works I li I mean she is my best friend but that's not why we were dating we were dating before we were friends so um but yeah that was my coming out story and then oh my gosh and I wonder if some of the parents you know that was so cute I'm like over here tearing up it is a great story I but but anyway back to my point here's the problem I'm 65 and tell her if I don't get it out yeah it'll go away it goes away it's gone you don't even look 65 you look great well thank you so much I'm glad you appreciate me okay get it out all right so here goes I forgot I was going to say no I I have it he I lost it I didn't lose it so you know I wonder if when and I and I'm sure you have friends that have come at you have more of a conversation than I do with my friends and I wonder if parents one of their their their first knee jerks are what did I do wrong sure or why didn't I notice it sooner and stuff like that and they carry this guilt because they you know they think they may have done something wrong or they missed something yeah if that's something that has to be a part of the conversation to reassure the parent you you know you have nothing to do with this you know there's this is not bad it just is and I think that might be a way of part having that convers as part of that conversation for for someone who's never had the conversation I think so too yeah I know it's interesting because I mean sexuality is so fluid and I it's interesting cuz like we have these boxes but yet I feel we're almost moving toward like where demisexual or pansexual is kind of a really big feeling too where it's like I just like like people that I like because of who they are and I think that's kind of what you were saying too um with the souls and stuff like that yeah and that's like I feel this is so random but like the concept of nonbinary has come up a lot and even just in conversations with friends being like well what do you think that means and on to hot takes as well and I was like honestly I kind of get it it like I'm not super obsessed with being a girl I just feel like oatmeal I don't feel like anything I'm just like I obviously I have I'm a female but like I just like I totally understand it where it's like I just feel like oatmeal I'm not like super passionate about like being a woman sure it's really [ __ ] hard you know it's not fun and I wonder this that when parents bring in the religious thing mhm you know when we go to heaven and religious people believe in heaven and they believe in you know whatever else but is there SE do you have sexuality when you're in heaven because there's no reproduction it's your it's your soul it's your spirit so how come a parent just can't say you know you found your spir you found your spiritual Soul yeah your soulmate that's really what it it wasn't I found I found my physical receptacle I do not like that well I it it certainly makes it it it that word the way you I just said it drives it away real quick to go back and say nourish the fact that I found a spiritual soulmate mom and that's something that's really important yeah I agree I mean if you want me to have if if if I marry this person and I decide to have children trust me there's ways we can have children yeah don't don't worry if that's if that's what the universe intends for us it it will happen but be happy that with someone that I that loves me Ador me that I love and I can share and and get all the feelings of living in a in a happy environment that someone that gets me yeah I also think too it's a it's like a privilege sharing that part of yourself with other people like I like don't present very like stereotypically gay when I'm in public so I don't have to worry about people assuming that of me but if I do share it with you then like I feel like you're special to me you know what I mean yeah and I think as a parent too it's kind of weird like you see all the prom pictures where the dad's holding the gun as his daughter goes off to prom or whatever you know the stereotypical stuff is it's like why do you care about your kid's sex life yeah like the only thing you should want for your kid is to be in a happy healthy relationship because there's a lot of shitty people out there who cares what their sexuality is or who they're with as long as they're happy healthy supported loved I got a question how many people do we know that are het heterosexually married and that are really happy in their marriage it doesn't mean that even homosexual marriages fail I get that but you know it if you find your mate no matter if it's hetal or whatever it might be or a gay gay relationship long as you're happy and and you guys have a meeting of the Mind line that I learned from my grandmother and I don't think she even considered you know homosexuality at the time it was religious difference cultural differences that was the big thing when I grew up she didn't care you know who I married she said I don't care who or what you marry long as you have a meeting of a mind with that person and that will make me happy yeah I think that's all you should care about with your kids yeah yeah so uh my God our writer here says you articulated that very well I know I'm fumbling all over today uh but they go my ideal outcome would be either having a healthy relationship with my mother where she supports me or at least move in the right steps of conflict resolution additional info my mom does not know that I know she said these things I haven't told her I don't know how or if I should I have talked to my dad about this all but it puts him in a really awkward situation and I don't want to be the cause of an argument between them I also know a conversation with my mom will probably not go well she also will not go to therapy of any kind so hearing that and that question of like should I tell her I know like if it were you in this situation about to have this conversation would you acknowledge what she said no really mm I would I feel like it would make it I don't want to out my sister like that too that she told me that cuz she told my sister that in confidence not that it makes it okay but I wouldn't I think I would just be like I can tell you're uncomfortable by her cuz every time she comes like I would go over stuff that I personally observe and she can see that I notice it um are the parents still together it sounds like they are they are so I mean yeah I mean valuing my mom's my everything to me so I value everything my mom says to me so I can see that being like it's not like you could be like well my dad likes me who cares you know um I mean if you could have a conversation maybe your dad's there at the same time to kind of mediate and be like on both sides I don't know you know I think that is smart [Laughter] I I I do agree with you don't tell her what you know yeah after hearing it always do make sense you know when I do anything in my life and I'm going to ask someone a question I always know the answer before I ask the question typically I get the answer from somebody else yeah that I really and then when I go to the new person that I'm waiting for the answer and I really want to hear what they have to say but I don't tell them what I know yeah and it's always you know look she said it she was angry when she says it she's frustrated she's doesn't know how to deal with this yeah if you can find a way through through your own maturity and communicating skills that you can actually get her to understand and you can understand her better I think slowly it's not going to be like not immedate it's not going to be a light Swit but I would I would slowly just try to make little things and just reaffirm her that you love her yeah and you know that she's uncomfortable with this and just let her know you're happy yeah and that is the the consistent thing that you have to do and you know look she's going to be thinking about this when when she's not with you consistently until she figures it out and she's your mom she you got to have confidence in us you know parents were not always the the brightest I've I've learned every day how how how how lack the lack of brightness that I have someone's always telling me I'm not that bad but I do think it's smart how do you know what you how how do you know I was talking about you I hear the passive aggressiveness in your tone but it is smart you both make great points and I think not acknowledging what she said also gives you better odds that she doesn't get defensive right off the bat which the minute someone gets defensive you you've lost it they shut down so keep us posted we want to hear and I we we really did bring you're great in that third seat thanks next one yeah number two I 17 female don't know how to come out to my bio family I would like to start off by saying I love every single podcast that is under Morgan's little Network Tod girls and find so much comfort and Father Knows something on to the issue I'm adopted I'm in an open adoption and have contact with my biof family although I'm only close to my older brother I have come out as queer to both my parents and they have accepted me and loved me my younger sister also adopted doesn't know yet but I think she suspects haha they aren't the issue my biof family is I have five older half siblings all different dads but I am only close to my second oldest brother be bee has a wife and two beautiful daughters and I am blessed to have them in my life the thing is I don't know their opinion on the lgbtqia A+ Community my bi ological family are hardcore Texans who only seem to have pretty right-wing views from what I've seen I am Brown and have been called racial slurs as well as other derogatory names which hurts deeply then being said racist would also indicate that they would be homophobic yes I have heard some members say the esler my brother however is really sweet and kind family oriented and has always tried to have a relationship with me even though we didn't up together his wife is a smart woman who I admire and I know she has previously stated left leaning views and has an open mind even though that is still the case I still don't know their stands on the lgbtqia A+ community and I don't know how to figure it out I'm a theater kid and they know that but other than that I haven't given any other indicators of my queer identity I just don't know how to come out to them there is a high chance that I will date someone who is non-binary a girl gender fluid or otherwise and I know that I will have to introduce my significant other to my brother sister-in-law and nieces at one point or another I know I am not dating anyone now so I still have time but I still want to come out to them before I start dating I don't know how they will react or if they will even want to be around me anymore maybe I'm overthinking it but I have cried for nights on end in fear of them shunning me and not wanting me to be a part of their family anymore they are the only biof family that has ever shown me love and I truly am conflicted on what to do I guess it's up to Jon got it I mean it's the same type of conversation having to sit people down I mean coming out is a lot harder than having to confront someone who's being offensive behind your back yeah um I don't know I think understanding that they're all going to be coming from like they all love you that's what I always think like I I treat a lot of my family members that have been homophobic to me with a lot of Grace and like you're going through something and that's not my problem yeah um and I know that you love me even though you're not acting like it right now I would approach the conversation with that sort of like energy and same with like you know I can't help who I like and I just want to be able to have an honest conversation with you and be myself around you I guess because I um clearly she values their opinions and them as her family yeah um and so I would you know kind of lead with that too value you know a relationship so much and I want to be able to be myself around you which just means me just telling you who I am would you broach the topic without coming out yourself first just kind of ask them what do you think about LGBT plus yeah like would you ask those kind of questions first to make sure you're in a safe environment espcially if they're yeah like hard right leaning or whatever hardcore Texans yeah yeah I probably do that maybe to preface it through text and then if you get a weird response then you're like I'm not going to tell you guys and that's okay yeah that was like my thought I'm like I wonder if that would be smart just to make sure you are safe and can have that open conversation without putting your your safety at risk and I will tell you that the extreme right ring right ring rightwing Republican party have a lot of homosexuality yeah and it it it seems so projection a lot of cadi you know ction in there but I do believe that there is so much of the gay community that really is a part of the Republican yeah party that look we have homosexuality no matter where we are in the world it's been it's been around for thousands of years thousands and it's not new so I would I would look at the fact that you know her bio brother be and the kind of guy that he is I think that he is way above all this [ __ ] yeah and and I think if you just have the conversation to say I really need to just I'm not seeing anybody right now but I really want you to be aware that I I love being part of this family and I love our unit that we have I just want you to know I don't want you to ever get caught off guard that I'm not really interested in in guys I I'm you know I'm I'm I'm gay and one day even though I don't have anybody today there will be someone in my life and I don't want to shock you then yeah and I think if you do it that way I think it will be a positive conversation and I don't I already I already just from what you said about your you know your possible sister-in-law that she's cool anyways going to be no issue yeah so I I I say be bold this is this is a tougher one it's it's a tough conversation to have especially if you're unsure of how people react and our writer is 17 so it's nice that the adoptive family they know is very open leftwing yeah um but it is it's a tight line to try to walk and make sure you're going to be safe and have a roof over your head at the same time so I love the truth I always believe the truth always prevails and it's just the way you present it sure ABS yeah you can't not be yourself I don't want to imply that like anyone should ever sacrifice who they are or who they love and anything like that but when you are at a more vulnerable age I think you know just safety is something to really consider during these conversations because some people are [ __ ] crazy you know they're crazy I think the I I I've once heard one out of every one out of every four is is gay and you can I I look down in families of people I know and I go one two three four yeah and I've done that and I got to tell you something it's true it is a it is a number that don't it is staggering yeah it's only 7% yeah but for some reason the one point 1234 in families that I know it's goofy but it's it's kind of real yeah it's interesting I mean if in our own family you have four siblings mhm one is gay my mom has two siblings so three total and one is gay so it's kind of it is it's interesting like I look at this estimate from G which is like a polling statistic company and they estimate it's 7% it's kind of crazy considering how many people just within our Circle I know and I'm like that does 7% does seem super low and it's also I think even the number of just like trans people is even smaller I think it's only it's less than 1% I believe um and it's just the fear mongering in the media and all of this legislation that's against trans people right now I'm like what is this for seem like a bigger issue than it is yeah it's exhausting I'm like do you know how many people are actually in that group who gives a [ __ ] what bathroom they're using yeah like if they're performing or whatever yeah as long as they're not getting killed for who they are or bothering anyone just oh people are just so [ __ ] wild but okay solid solid uh advice on that one I always go back what are they afraid of yeah themselves you know it's fear it really is and fear is so weird mhm it is I don't have the answer but it's weird oh I know it's weird maybe you should conduct a study you can do some research we'll give you a mic and hit the streets yeah I I'll get I'll I'll find out the information but 10 minutes later it'll be gone cuz it's that long that's all in the shortterm memory we we'll stick a GoPro on your head we'll give you a GoPro stra I'll be walking around with a GoPro perfect strapped on your head yeah and then you're going to have to edit it and and look at look what you're fighting with right now you're not that bad no no 18 hours a day editing I do edit quite a bit it's it's my job you know um but it is interesting whether it's fear or lack of knowledge so I I hope that this gave you some insight of different things to do and again keep us in touch and I'm sure there's going to be a lot of stuff on the comment a lot of comments yeah so if you also can personally relate I think it'd be a great time to head over to the YouTube and make your comments and give your advice that you have especially for these next one guys all right let's go I'm waiting I'm buckled in it's a seat Bel one I don't know if it's a seat belt but it's definitely a like we're g to we got to put our thinking caps on we got toen sometimes we they're so rough we have to put a seat belt on so we go I have yet I have I I have yet oh no she doesn't wear seat belts I have yet to have a seat Bel when we we're actually um Justin said put on a helmet too oh jeez okay I don't know if we're there on this episode but we'll see all right hi everyone I'm a huge fan of your podcast I'm just going to jump right in I'm a 31-year-old female and I'm married to my husband who is 33 we've been together for 10 years and we were together 5 years before that so for the math for everyone that's 15 years and we met when I was 16 we have been through a lot together and he is my best friend we don't have any kids because I've had fertility issues and I just decided it was better for my mental health if we just not focus on being parents but instead being the best aunt and uncle we can be to our niece and nephew so the problem is that I'm a lesbian I haven't always known I was a lesbian I realized it last year around April I had a huge issue with my depression and anxiety and I was experiencing Suicidal Thoughts because of this my husband made a doctor's appointment for me and I was put on anti-depressants and I started to do some real soul searching because I didn't want to live my life like this anymore and this is all the searching I can do I was literally just ignoring part of myself which was that I have always been attracted to women I just kind of ignored it like I said I came out to my husband August of last year and he was devastated he begged for me not to be which was really hard for me because I didn't know how to not be something that I didn't choose to be I came out to my parents my husband and I separated for a little bit and I started very casually hanging out with other lesbian women I felt like myself I felt so happy but I was so sad because I knew how upset my husband was he was devastated and when I would see him I could see all over his face his mental health was deteriorating it broke my heart heart especially when we were talking he would beg for me back and tell me he would change he would be a better husband which I would tell him you're not a bad husband you're a great husband I just don't think I'm the one for you he assured me I am the one for him and he doesn't want anyone else so I moved out of my parents house and back in with him and I've been living with him ever since the problem is I am so unhappy I don't know how to tell him without him taking it so personally or maybe that's the thing maybe he has to take it personally I don't know what to do I feel like I'm denying an essential part of me and I can't fully be myself because that just doesn't line up with our marriage I don't know what to do my parents think I should just leave him and live my life however that is so much easier said than done because this man that I've been married to and I've been with for half of my life is my family any advice would be great thank you you know I'm going to be a little bit off the charts on this one okay because I'm scared well maybe it's not that much off the chart um you know there is such a love that she has for him on a platonic level I don't know sexually if they have anything to work with and I wasn't even sure that if she found another um a woman that was um bisexual h and that they can they might find a perfect match I don't know if she wants a monogamous relationship with a woman you know there's there's not enough information if we had a call like this on what do we call it group therapy thank you very much Jesus thank you very much one of these days on group therapy we could ask and we could even go through questions on this to say what are the other possibilities that you can try because obviously you don't want to to lose him and you and and part of your reason you don't want to lose him is you don't want him to be lost yeah but if you got by the fact if you saw that he met somebody that he was happy with and he was able to have the full uh relationship would you still feel the loss and the ho in your heart that you lost you know this relationship daily with your best friend yeah this is these are the things that you guys really need to discuss so I would open a dialogue first with him yeah and say look you know here are our options that we we may want to look at unless these are off the table but we're not happy the way it is yeah you may think you're happy but if I'm not happy I you can't possibly be happy yeah yeah and start with that dialogue with him nobody else matters it's you and him and to see what are the the options that is my thought I did that pop into your head I didn't think of a non monogamous uh relationship that's a good point though I actually love that if obviously our writer is down for it but like mean did you think of it I did not pop into my head that's why I was like that was the wild thought in your brain it was a great one that is really good because we do have a little no figure the guy can't remember [ __ ] we do have uh some additional info too and our writer goes I just want to be happy and myself pretending to be someone I'm not severely affecting my mental health again and I could feel myself slipping back into that depression but I can't stomach hurting someone else just to make myself happy well that last statement like basically implies that she's not willing to leave him and make him super sad even for her own happiness yeah and so kind of playing off your idea if the two of them were to go date together I have seen bedrooms this is this is a concept I have seen bedrooms that I don't think they were intended for this unless these couples you know love love to have orgies maybe but were there are two King beds in the bedroom or two queens that are beds that they link together with one set of sheets it's the craziest thing but I've seen it where' you see it barly Hills l oh of course always Beverly Hills but it's there and and why not I mean if if if you get you you do a you a double you know double California king or California King that you could fit a a family no no no no no they're not big enough but he would know you you need manipulating room Jesus I didn't think of polyam that's a good idea but I do but I do think that that is might be an answer that they should at least maybe try I mean you never know yeah if they don't want to date together then maybe he's okay with just her dating other people but they're still together you know [ __ ] happens in these relationships when you when you get into multiple partners at the same time lot of ego gets involved I mean there's other kinds of [ __ ] that that does happen and so and and I say this from experience shock shock shock so you you you definitely just got to have the conversation to see how do we solve this problem we all the options that we that we are happy because there are people out there that you know I I I went out with somebody and I said everyone's got and and the person this this woman took a totally wrong what I said but everyone has their own Kink and it doesn't mean whips and chains it just means what works to get them happy yeah and and I would certainly open that open that dialogue because there are people out there that are searching for the same problem mhm we have a big world out there MH yeah there's plenty of options for sure so many what do you think about that last comment though like but I can't stomach hurting someone else just to make myself happy but at the same time her saying pretending to be someone I'm not has severely affected my mental health like I mean they're very suicidal well yeah and that's that is a very tough reality where you were so sad and so depressed and lost that you had those ideations that's that's a big thing but do you feel that there is a solution if like the polyamory is off the table what do you think about sacrificing your own happiness because your fear of making someone else sad like in this scenario yeah that's not fair at all to her not at all and and he and I think if he really does love her M and he sounds like he really loves her he'll get it yeah and it's time to move on and it's not about him it's just something that's within her and let's let's do the let's do the next best thing yeah and we're and again you don't have to dislike your you know your the your ex-lover I mean look I'm friends with a lot of people that I I used to be lovers with and it just didn't work out you know he said You Know You're great and I'm great and we were not great yeah and even though one of us may have you wanted or thought about it it you know you got to part and let it heal but we but we can be friends yeah I think so if it ends amicably like that yeah I agree and I and and any one of these relationships I do not have sexual thoughts for years later yeah it goes away MH well and it sounds like you know I think the comment I've known him for half my life I mean they've been together 16 years I think was the math like that's a long time to spend with someone where you do start to feel like that's your other half you can't live life without them even if it's not in the same way so I think she should also respect too like um obviously he wants to be with her and she doesn't so she knows it's hard for him to see her so I would respect that like do you mean give him space to have time to process without her and like kind of grieve the end of that relationship and then she can go live her life and figure it out obviously you feel bad when you when breakups end up happening like this yeah but I would want him to have time to figure out what he's doing without her being there sometimes it makes it hard makes it harder to move on even though like with my ex like I was like I don't want to be friends like that's too hard for me I am sure there are counselors out there that help couples in the break in through the breakup and that they're able to find themselves and get themselves healthy MH yeah it's not just about keeping you together it's about helping you heal yeah yeah and I think that is very true because it's no it's a different context where she's finding out that her sexuality isn't what she thought and it's no different in my head yes the context a little bit but in my head it's the same as a marriage and someone falls out of love and the other person is blindsided and it's like wait no no no but I love you or cheating yeah like you can't continue on in the same way no matter how much you want it MH it's like it's just especially if someone just falls out of love it's like it's not working it has to be a two-way street yeah and so you know I think the polyamory conversation is really interesting if you know monogamy isn't a requirement for her going forward but yeah it's tough you don't you definitely just can't sacrifice your own happiness and who you are as a person for some else yeah all you guys all you guys can do is have a conversation and try whatever you guys want to do it's all about you yeah okay we got a new one keep us posted got another one any more any don't me don't rush me okay okay okay we're gonna give Jon the uh Talking Stick first oh absolutely yeah yeah and let's you know you have a guest for a reason should should we like should we have like a stick that we pass back honestly should with you because I'd be like no it's not going to the side you're not holding the stick yeah no I'm looking I'm looking here we'll just metaphorically okay thank you got it got it let's see it hold it here I think this will work better yeah okay so this one is titled my Straight best friend 23 male is in love with my lesbian self 23 female your face already we met freshman year of college and our friendship built throughout School we're both fifth year students now and we're best friends around 2 years ago he admitted to having feelings for me the catch I'm a lesbian he knows this and has known we talked about it openly and honestly I was clear that even if I did like him like that I'm gay it's all caps we both set boundaries and after some time and conversations he told me he knows it's not realistic and we continue to be friends about a year ago he admitted to still having some feelings for me at this point I told him nothing has changed on my end and I asked him to be honest with me about our friendship I told him if it's too hard we don't have to be friends he said he still knows it's not realistic and it's fine that we're friends I was hesitant and I spent a lot of time distancing myself we're still close friends now but I definitely walk on eggshells around him watching how I act and how he could could perceive it even with Innocent behavior and things I would say or do with any other friend fast forward to last week he told me he was going to ask me on a date at this point I feel like I've drawn all the boundaries I can and I feel like he's disregarding my sexuality and just who I am at my core I don't want to lose my best friend but I don't know what to do anymore and my frustration with his disregard of who I am is becoming too much I wouldn't be friends with him anymore I don't want to say he's fetishizing her because he's not saying anything creepy like or asking her to kiss girls in front of him or anything like that um so it's I don't think it's that but I think he just yeah he has a total disregard for who she is as a person so I would just not be friend well I would tell him I'm not going to be your friend anymore if you continue to act like this around me cuz it makes me uncomfortable yeah and I feel like you're invalidating who I am as a person and I don't like that and then I would question her whole friendship like is he friends with me cuz he has a crush on me yep or are we friends because he's my friend um yeah I would have an honest conversation with him well and that's a a fear for a lot of straight women that are friends with guys and I think it's it's really unfortunate when you see dudes with mics on the street interviewing guys and girls and it kind of come out comes out with a lot of these guys that respond like would you let your girlfriend have guy friends and the dude answered he goes no absolutely not cuz I know that the guy is only friends with her because he does want to [ __ ] her and there's been a lot of stories that come out on shows where girls confront their guy friends and that ends up being true and so I think to your point where it's kind of like maybe that is why they're so close and he's since the beginning kind of had it in the back of his head like maybe I can turn her straight maybe I can convince her maybe I'm the one that's different so I could see that I could absolutely see that here's your Talking Stick I have this you know I've been here really not with somebody that was gay I thought she i i i in my own mind I said maybe she is gay and we go back to the same the the most raw conversation we had earlier it's about your souls take away male female if she's gay it didn't matter if she's gay or straight she is just not into your soul because if she was into his soul they would they would have a relationship I don't know I don't think Souls I don't think it really matters here with this one I think you like what you like okay I'm well he has a tongue he has fingers yeah but she probably is not into what he has okay I don't think like I think for people that are pansexual that could work but like she is very clearly saying all caps yeah I'm a lesbian I'm okay so I'm just GNA we're GNA shut you down right there right there little doggy the point that I was really making is she's just really not into him that guy and that's the simple thing is when you when you're able to come to terms in your friendship does your respect you and you respect her as friends and are you honest and can you guys you know go through life that way great but if you can't honor those those factors then you you really got to let it go go away because it starts deteriorating becomes anger yeah and becomes frustration and the truth you know friends when they're when they're honest and truthful it's great my relationship this ended because there was no there became lack of Truth and I said I can't be friends with somebody that's an acquaintance yeah if you're if you were my friend to the level that I'm I'm your friend we're good but other than that there's some [ __ ] going on and it doesn't make sense and when things don't make sense that's when you start to say time time to break it off and go your own way as as far as I think for her you were right if they can't respect each other's wishes and you going to consistently make her feel uncomfortable make her if you really are that kind of a friend make her feel comfortable yeah and you can't do it leave yeah yeah and to give people a little more context with my dad and his issue my dad met a woman on a dating app apparently straight um they dated for a while and she wasn't attracted to him or sexually she didn't want sex at all she might be asexual whatever it is but she didn't want that aspect of the relationship but she wanted my dad as an emotional partner and so he's you know in love with her wanted the whole picture and it just wasn't there so I think that happens to a lot of people like I have tried to get a lot of boys to like me because I loved them and it just doesn't work sometimes like feelings are feelings like they're really hard to explain sometimes and it just is what it is and so it's not something you can just change because you want to and I think it's it's funny when there's a lot of Tik toks these days where women are like I know I know sexuality is not a choice because why do I like this and then it's like a video of a dude doing like the most weird or gross thing and it's like a total ick inducing thing and so it's like I think sexuality is like that it's it's just your feelings and how do you explain it it just is it is it's all it is it just is yeah so the anything else provided on this one is my ideal outcome is that we can resolve this and remain friends although I don't really think that's possible anymore and I understand that ultimately I just need to know how to let go without feeling like my sexuality is the thing that tore apart our friendship and for me hearing that I don't think it's your sexuality that tore apart your friendship I think it's your friend's lack of respect for your boundaries and honestly it's kind of getting to the point where if he's talking about asking you on a date despite shutting him down again and again and again I don't want to assume you know anything too devious but my head I catastrophize everything yeah I love doing that in my head I'm like I'm kind of starting to be like are you safe like is he going to take no for an answer at this point and he he evidently is not believing that you're gay yeah what do you have to do lick a [ __ ] in front of him like what is it going to take for him to get it they've been friends for how long and he doesn't get it they've been friends for 5 years yeah there's no respect there he doesn't respect you and that's kind of the bottom line and it's like it's not your sexuality it is a lack of respect and you can't really come back from that I I will say one thing it's interesting and I'll put myself back in another situation if I saw that person with someone that she loved and she was having a relationship with and it seemed that that's really where she that that you you get what really is is her happiness or or her happy place and space yeah I think he would definitely back off and and relax but he's still under there saying we have such a great time we have everything else in the world why can't we have this because there's no one else that you're getting that from you're coming here for part of that emotional value get that emotional value from somebody else and yeah I'll believe that you're not into it so I think that you know yeah I would make sure that he that when you in 5 years you and you obviously you're gay and you're gay then let him become friends with with you as a couple he'll respect it he'll get it and it might be the thing that just releases him to go out and find that other person in his life and not hold hope for that but enjoy who you are as a person and and your trust in one another to wonder and that might help I can't say it will yeah hopefully yeah but you know we offer advice from what goes on in our own heads M and that's something that I could see where it say that makes sense mhm yeah absolutely we'll see time will tell okay we have one last one for for all of us here pass pass a little stick back over yep y give it a pass wait wait wait oh yeah throw it in oh oh my God the stick it touched the ground contaminated stick so this is a little similar to the one we had you'll recognize it uh two stories ago two stories ago depending on how I arranged this episode by the way it it I can't remember back two stories ago he's like CRS disease what's that can't remember [ __ ] oh oh well I don't know what that is maybe we got it too okay so this one yes hi Papa Jerry and friends my name is a female 26 and I'm writing in about a conflict with my husband B male 25 be and I have been together for 10 years married for three when I was a teenager I questioned my sexuality and thought I could have been bisexual I didn't get time to process or explore my feelings though because I was outed by a classmate and relentlessly bullied I'm from a Conservative Christian family in the midwest I experimented with a few of my other queer friends and was in two relationships with girls before B but but most of my relationships were with boys the conflict of my sexuality arose this year when I learned about compulsory heterosexuality compet compet yeah compet elaborate please okay uh it's in the lesbian Master do Jerry I'm sure you've read it I've read it cover to cover but basically the idea with compulsory heter sexuality is that we're I was just telling Morgan that I've been trying to deal with this is like we're brought up as like whether you're a girl or a boy to be heterosexual so when you're trying to figure out what you like or who you are as a person it's so easy to just kind of go back to what you've been brought up to believe so like I said like I didn't know I was queer until I was 19 and I don't even feel like I really fully accepted it till I was like 27 even though I was with a girl for eight years right um and now that I'm like no I'm definitely after we broke up I was like I'm definitely way more gay than I thought when we were together but then sometimes a man named like Pedro Pascal is an actor or whatever I'm like like insanely attract Ed to him but like would I want to be with him sexually I don't know once yeah that's I don't know my sister like would you sleep with him and I go I don't know I'm scared honestly he's so hot maybe I if I'm drunk enough maybe but no it's just the idea that like it's hard to not go back to and think that that that's what you are so then it kind of invalidates your own identity I'm like well I can't be a lesbian then cuz sometimes I like men but then I'm like but do I like men or I'm just thinking that I like men because everyone around me does and that's how I was raised or just like I think or you just looked at him and he's gorgeous he's good looking yeah just appreci being attractive yeah that's what it is and I I think we put so much pressure on like if I just appreciate their attractiveness and like I find them attractive oh I must be into that because I feel like that with girls too where I'm like God I mean you have Megan Fox or you have um I have like weird crush on Viola Davis like gorgeous I love her I mean there's so Regina King I'm just like I'm obsessed with like so many different women and I'm like but I don't think like I'm into them that way so but it's like the pressure we put on ourselves so okay do you have I got a question do you have to say I'm gay no you can't just say I like what I like yeah I like what I like when I like I'm by i' I I don't know I will certainly Sayer just the umbrella that's what I usually I usually say Lov man aquer cuz it's I mean my my sister certainly had experiences with men she fell in love with a woman and she was in love I think her her first love was a woman back in college and she certainly had other relationships post that so and she was crazy about a guy at one point in time that would that we we we couldn't get couldn't get his name at at off off the tip of her tongue for for years so you know you it just you don't I I don't think it's fair to say you're only one thing you know it's whatever ever you may be attracted to or who knocks your socks off I guess MH no it just feels easier when you're able to kind of place it cuz when you grow up thinking you're straight like it's your life just feels a lot easier than but I know sexuality is fluid and I know that people like what they like and maybe I'm by maybe I'm right now this is what I feel like you know right now you're gay I me right now you're a lesbian right now I'm a lesbian right today today you're a lesbian if if Pedro shows up yeah girl I don't know what's going to happen for for an hour I'm straight right now I am I'm straight As long as he's straight yeah no literally okay back to this one oh that one yeah oh here's the mic the conflict of my sexuality arose this year when I learned about compulsory heterosexuality and realized that I'm very gay I told my husband about this new revelation and that I would like to date women only if he was okay with it and he responded by saying he couldn't imagine a life without me as his partner and he doesn't want me to leave him I told him that I didn't plan for this but that I've been suppressing this huge part of my life for far too long but I valued the life we've built together over the past 10 years when we started dating we were two traumatized kids that were raised in cycles of abuse and addictions and now we're functioning adults with great jobs a beautiful house three wonderful pets and we've been trying to get pregnant for the past 3 years with all of that said though I feel like I'm living a lie every single day I have so much love for him as a person but I acknowledge now that I latched on to him because of the abuse I was going through at the time I used to daydream about the kind of Life we'd have together but now I recognize that I've always wanted that kind of life with a woman and I can't hide it anymore on the other hand I really want to be a mom and I'm terrified to ruin the wonderful life I have with bee and start all over how do I go about leaving the best thing I've ever known what if I fall flat on my face any and all opinions on how to handle this situation are appreciated do you want me to hand the Talking Stick to Jerry no no no you got oh you want me to do oh yeah you're here this is what you're here for I mean it's the same with like the other person we were talking about very similar yeah you can't not live your truth and and be who you are I mean as hard as it's going to be for him to get through it I feel like that this seems like someone who's super self aware so to know like kind of like where you you know latched on to him and why it was like that for so long and then you look back and kind of see things for what they really were um I don't see any I mean I do see a lot of harm in like being able to be yourself because obviously it's going to be really hurtful for him but I think he'll understand the fact that she was willing to still be with him like still stay married and just date women I think is really nice but he said no which she's respecting but also I feel like he has to respect her decision to have to be herself wait wait wait wait this in this story he said no did I miss did I hear something wrong I thought he said it's hear I thought he said let me read it let me read it nobody panic nobody panic here um so op our writer asked I told my husband about this new revelation and that I would like to date only women if he was okay with it and he responded by saying he couldn't imagine a life without me as his partner and he doesn't want me to leave him oh okay so he didn't say knows she can't dat women he just doesn't want to break up it's unclear I would argue that there's a little gray area here and what that actually entails I took it that it's okay with him that's the way I understood it that's the way I interpret it but I'm you know I could be goofy yeah well ideal outcome is to live my truth as painlessly as possible for everyone involved so it's unclear you know if she could have a girlfriend and they're still together in a platonic way mhm but then it's kind of like well where does he get that other side of the relationship yeah so it's interesting um again one of those ones like if only we could ask questions I I would I would really like to open a store where I sell double king-sized beds and that's gonna be my this is gonna be my advertising campaign he's gonna run an ad on the Pod for it paully you know I just you know I think that uh this has been a part of her life that she has squelched um you remember this couple's you know got together when they were when they were kids you know 15 and 16 they haven't explored what's really out there so I think that you know there might be if they stay together it might be a a an interesting 10 years that's going to be a wild ride meaning emotionally Wild Ride people in the relationship people out of the relationship not a good time to have kids while you're into this thing and maybe they will figure out in the next few years of this do we really Stay Together did we find a way to satisfy our our physical our emotional or sexual needs and do we just you know do the right thing for all of us and stay together get back together and just become us that's what we want or do we really break up it's too early so I don't think they're in the place where they have to get divorced or make a yeah a final decision there's a lot of options I think there's a lot of exploring they can do right now as as a couple and figure out what what is the right thing cuz you know you start getting other people involved in a relationship jealousy for some reason kicks in and it's going to have there's going to be some some depends on how it's introduce she brings somebody home they are able to enjoy each other together and there's there one no one's left out everyone's kind of in this thing mix that might be a relationship that works for them again I don't don't know I can't profess it yeah but I know that unless you start exploring your your Avenue really is and the conversation that you and your husband have together will will lead you down this path but otherwise you just need to really just sear separate at that point in time you know maybe not get divorced yet and see where you guys end up in other relationships it I just know that when you start involving other people it get dicey sometimes a roller coaster it is it is certain something to sort out especially if you have a relationship where you're doing it together as a couple it might be more palatable yeah well I also think kind of playing off both of what you've said I think based on their experiences growing up it sounds very traumatic it sounds like they really clung to each other and it did help them grow as people and in his head you know I think like you said Jason our writer is very self-aware and the word that popped to me when you know she was explaining all of this like I realize that I used him to toal heal and I just thought she is so healed to be able to recognize all that and he might not be in that spot so despite her not even being really interested in him anymore he's like well I just don't want to lose you I can't lose you because it's safe it's comfortable and I don't think people realize how untraditional you can make your life yeah like I have seen so many couples these days that they got married the the woman realized she was a lesbian the guy actually realized he was gay and they still had a kid together and they were fine co-parenting and having that relationship in that way where they still they both really wanted kids which is a big fear for our writer here our writer really wants kids almost to the point where it seems like she would consider staying with him just to have kids just to have kids and that's not fair to anyone so there might be a solution where you guys can still have a kid together co-parent and have your relationship with a woman because you are gay and that's what you want and then he can go find the love and the sexual satisfaction with someone else all while still having you as a friend and a safe place so you can get so non-traditional with with relationships these days I I love that it and it's real that is absolute truth and it's been around for ever like I remember um I was watching this home show and it was I don't know HGTV or something and there was this Brownstone unit and this couple bought this unit and this unit actually had a tunnel in the basement and so it was a husband and wife on one side and a husband on wife wife on the other side lo and behold it was actually a gay couple and a lesbian couple but because in society it wasn't acceptable they would do the switch at night and good neighbor Sam you don't have to do that these days you can you can do whatever you want so life I'm like in this big boat of like life is so short live your life in the way that makes you the happiest the most fulfilled because you only get one of these M as far as know I do believe in reincarnation but you know enjoy enjoy it while you're here yeah and on that note ladies and gentlemen I want to thank you for tuning into to our show he shut us down so fast what if daon had anything to say that's good thank you for having me so we will say good but we're going to wrap it up and are we doing patreon tomorrow another patreon tomorrow so but tune in to our patreon we will have one following the show and we look forward to um to having you back and being in your uh in your homes or your cars or wherever you are at work with your headsets on and listening to us is you're just doing this and special special thank you to Jon for joining us oh my God absolutely this was amazing I like literally just want to like cement you on the couch forever thank you for having me what about what about her ability of going home she can't she's moving in she's moving in there's a pull out couch right there I'm stealing her she can't even use the couch you you submitted her ass to the couch I literally I'm just gonna like pass you the computer I'll put the themes together and you can just take over you're so good oh thank you I'm honored to be on this and I meant everything I said at the beginning that this I know you almost had me crying this podcast is really important to a lot of people I can only imagine I am so glad you're here and you are welcome back I hope you'll join us again yeah of course you don't have to concrete your ass down to our sofa you can come and go in this home as you wish thank you and uh don't sell yourself short over there I see your comments for two idiot girls and I think it's very similar to both these shows where people feel they're not alone it's helped their anxiety and depression they feel like they're laughing with their friends I love the parasocial relationships I just I love it so your show is also a magical community and I'm so excited to keep watching it grow so be sure to check it out you guys two idiot girls it's a good one I only have one prerequisite for you to come back okay bring another great word phrase oh okay because that was great what the heterosexual compat yeah no you had you had my head spinning on that one that is really complacent heterosex compulsory heter it's in the lesbian Master dog and it's like when you're like only attracted to men that you'll never meet then like so you would never have a real relationship and actually know that I read that I read it oh nice okay you did I'm dyslexic oh can you imagine how that one came across backwards I is it it is a book I'm G find it I'll send you the link okay I want to read it it sounds really interesting but on that note thanks so much to all of all all of you and all of us and all the Aldi Aldi the uh it's a Love Fest chair so we'll see you next week and enjoy bye bye bye [Music] n

Channel: Father Knows Something

Views: 60,617

Keywords: fatherknowssomething, father knows something, podcast, twohottakes, dad advice, arm chair expert, stories, advice, father figure, family advice, dad problems, light hearted, life experience, father knows something podcast, listener write in, story reactions, dad blog, relationship advice, father advice, jerry, r/, rslash, r/slash, father knows podcast

Id: vea6r9LFczY

Length: 71min 38sec (4298 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 14 2023