EX-Husband Blames Me For Making Him A Bad Parent Because I Forgot To Remind Him 'He Has A Daughter'

people how do you deal with your ex-family i'll keep this short when mayan ex's daughter megan was having birthday she wanted a tiered harry potter cake she loves the movies she was very specific in what she wanted i told her as gently as i could that i didn't think we'd be able to afford that and my ex took that opportunity to be the fun parent and said in a doting voice oh baby don't worry daddy will get you your cake she was all smiles and ran off to get her bags i told him if he was going to promise this to order it early because bakeries require advance order he got all huffy and said he knew what the mess he was doing and i should mind my business i said anything involving our daughter is my business he said he didn't need my help and i should just handle the birthday party and he'd get the cake i said okay then they left for the weekend i know my ex he puts things off that aren't about him i knew he was going to forget to order usually i'd pester him so he wouldn't forget but he said he didn't need my help so i decided not to bring it up unless he did but i did call a friend i have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her it cost a bit more than i'd have liked but not as much as i'd been worried it would well he never brought the cake up again at least not until the day before her birthday where he called me frantic he forgot to order the cake and now none of the bakeries will take his order without tacking on a massive fee because there's no way they can have the cake ready unless they focus their full staff on one cake i was going to tell him not to worry i ordered the cake for him but then he says why didn't you remind me i just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow then i hung up he brought a cake a plain white cheek cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of harry potter and his two friends and a wax 11 candle she was turning 13. he revealed the cake during her party so everyone was sitting quiet and megan looked down heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted x floundered and i let him for a few seconds before laughing haha just kidding and then i went and pulled the cake i ordered from the kitchen megan lit up and everyone laughed and it was just one huge joke and the rest of the party went great but after everyone went home and megan was in her room x tried to lay into me about humiliating him and letting him look like a bad father and i told him the only one who made him look bad was him i think i was justified but some mutual friends think i should have just told him i got the cake to keep things civil between us am i the idiot edit i never told megan or even plan to tell her not until she was older maybe but she started acting very chilly to ex for a long while after her birthday party and when he asked her why she admitted to almost walking into the kitchen when he and i were whisper arguing the night of her birthday she found out he'd completely forgotten to order the cake and the joke cake was actually the real cake he got her so she was very cross with him for a long time afterwards not the idiot um you actually saved him from looking like a bad father put that in quotes because he doesn't look like one he is one by having the cake she wanted ready and making it look like his bad contribution was just a joke i am extremely glad that this man is your ex and that you are there to be a real parent to your daughter not the idiot dude was seriously embarrassed that his poor behavior was so easy to predict that you had a contingency plan your friends are wrong but they are coming from a place of sympathy for their friend and because they want to keep the peace in the friend group it's understandable but still wrong good for you mama you are not wrong what got me was him forgetting his child's age even i remembered a rage before you mentioned it yeah that just flawed me though he forgot her age when she was turning four too i asked him to go order an ice cream cake from dairy queen and he had to call me and asks how old is she gonna be again and i think that was the start of me thinking this marriage needs help my son's father has basically said since the moment i got pregnant that my boy is not his even though dna was determined the courts forced him to pay child support versus terminating his rights the only reason this happened was because he said some questionable nonsense to the judge and she became salty about it examples why do i have to pay for a kid i don't want or no i'm not paying for him she should have ended it this obviously ticked off everyone in the courtroom and the judge immediately awarded child support in my favour to spite him in my opinion during this i was actually asked that his rights be terminated and i did not request child support of any kind the judge went against what i wanted as well for nine years he has paid 136 dollars a month for child support during the months of october through march we have never received anything that means that he has a lot of back child support owed i have never contacted the state about this as i can do without his money well apparently cps reached out to him with a notice stating that he owes over twelve thousand dollars in back child support from what he claims i did not see the notice they did not contact me somehow he found my number and called me stating that he wants to have half custody of my son he wants a week-on-week-off visitation established when i asked him why his response was well it'll drop my child support payments and since i'm paying for him i have rights to him huh i said no that's no reason to want to be involved with my son after 11 years if he had said i just want to meet him i'm ready to be a dad i would have said yes despite me already saying no i spoke to my son about it to see how he felt he said that he didn't want to meet him right now my ex continued to blow my phone up to say he was bringing me back to court and that the judge would rule in his favor because he makes more money than i do he doesn't know how much money i make and this was a guess on his part he says that i'm a dumb witch for denying him rights to his son i think he's an ignorant idiot for trying to use my son as a way to get out of child support and that if it weren't for that fact alone he wouldn't want anything to do with him anyways am i the idiot not the idiot by all means go back to court the judge will almost certainly increase increases child support dramatically if he's making so much money now and slammed the idiot for blatantly trying to weaponize visitation also 136 dollars a month is like a slightly more expensive internet plan in the us definitely not enough to feed and clothe a kid he needs to pay more you are not wrong especially as your son has said he doesn't want to meet him your ex has all the wrong reasons for going about this and honestly spending time with this real dad is more likely to cause problems for your son your child's mental and emotional well-being should always be put first also if the dad thinks 136 dollars a month is half of what a kid costs he's living in a stupid dream world document everything he said to you in case he does take you back to court that way you can honestly show them his intentions are in no way focused around what's best for your son i had to move out of state while my oldest child's mother was pregnant with her because after we broke up i was on the edge of homelessness and didn't make enough to rent anywhere and all my family was out of state i begged her to let me stay in one of the three apartments she owns yes it would have been next door to her but it would be temporary she said that i would just never pay her and just use it to mooch off her forever and refused yes i wouldn't have been able to pay her immediately as my job at the time didn't make that much but i would have asap my ex didn't even tell me when she gave birth i wasn't able to use visitation until my oldest was two due to money and the babies can't do video calls and i couldn't get them out to visit until my oldest was five i got married two years later there were a few years where visits were more sporadic due to money but i have always done regular calls and video calls i am a stay-at-home dad to my younger three one of whom is special needs and requires a full-time parent which financially needs to be me my oldest is soon to be an adult now and when she's here my wife complains that she doesn't help out around the house at all like the other kids and is rude and unfriendly i really just don't think that she should have to do any of that or to be held to the same standards as the other two kids quite honestly i have my oldest five weeks out of the year max four weeks in summer a weekend for spring break sometimes and a week for christmas what parenting is happening in a month and a holiday week where she has to pack a bag to visit even if i went full drill sergeant i'm not going to accomplish anything in that time and it's my own real bonding time she's an only child 10 months out of the year so why would she be able to interact with siblings i do wish she was less afraid of her special needs brother but again i'm not getting that done in a month i hate to say it but with that level of time she is a guest and considering i'm barely her father it doesn't seem like my place to try to change her she cleans after herself enough and has basic hygiene skills i would rather just have her be on vacation here and not fight useless battles my wife says i'm the idiot for thinking that about my oldest and openly having one child just be a vacationer but i'm trying to be honest and make things as pleasant as they can be this is never going to be an ideal situation or even good but it can be tolerable and give my oldest an idea of a father am i the idiot you are the idiot you're not giving her an idea of a father you're giving her the idea of a fun uncle that she occasionally visits and that lets her get away with doing whatever she wants fathers try to teach their kids how to behave properly how to treat others with respect and that actions have consequences i really disagree daughter cleans up after herself and does her own laundry she isn't leaving messes everywhere the wife is mad she isn't included in the chore wheel for the five weeks a year she visits i really think op has the right idea bonding with her is more important than her taking out the trash for the sake of equality the wife seems to take issue with the girl being on her phone or ipad most of the time why hopi is probably busy all day with his special needs child and younger kids what is she supposed to do be some sort of nanny or father's helper for the week she visits that's not fair to her and while these kids are her siblings they're much younger than her and she only sees them five-ish weeks a year i wouldn't expect her to entertain them or spend a significant amount of time playing with them because again that's babysitting she's there to see her dad i 47 female needs some perspective because i wasn't trying to cause problems and didn't think i was wrong i am the mother of three beautiful children 22 daughter 20 son and 18 son i love my children very much and i'm proud of the people they are growing up to be i hate their father 48 and regret the day i ever married him when i met my ex i was in grad school hard-working and ambitious i had a lot of plans for myself but i let physical attraction and love get the best of me and married a man whose ego couldn't handle the idea of his wife having a better career because she was more qualified i constantly made compromises and sacrifices to keep the marriage and for the good of the family and the bastard still cheated on me the only good things that i ever got out of my relationship with him was my children and i didn't need to be married to him in order to make them so i view the whole marriage as a terrible mistake the only favor my ex ever did for me was leaving me for his second wife before i went through with getting the breast implants when he left he didn't see the children for six months and was always dodgy with the scheduled visits those first two years and rarely paid child support it took a lot of work but i was able to put myself back on track with the help of my family for the sake of my children i never badmouthed their father nor did i stand in the way of them having a relationship with him but to this day i can't stand the man a few weeks back i got texted in a group message about my ex getting cancer and everyone was trying to coordinate a support system for him thinking that i was added on there by accident i left the group but was added back in left again and then added again this kept happening until my oldest asked me why i kept leaving the group in a separate message i called her and told her that since her father and i have been divorced for 10 plus and aren't close so i shouldn't be considered someone he should look to for support i also reminded her of the reason as to why we divorced in the first place my daughter got upset with me and asked me why i could turn my back on someone who is fighting for their life that i used to have such a nice relationship with in spite of the past i admitted to my daughter that i was just putting on a front and while i wish no ill towards their father i don't consider him family my daughter did not like what i had to say and called me a liar but now that she's older i thought it was okay to start being more truthful with her am i the idiot for being honest not the idiot you have done the best job you possibly could do as a mother you have not let your personal feelings get in the way of the relationship your children have with their father despite your dislike of him in fact i would say you've done an excellent job the fact that your daughter is unaware of the depths of your disengagement with him is testament to how well you have managed to be fair to him previously i agree with you your daughter is absolutely old enough to become aware of the true state of affairs that does not mean she needs to know the ins and outs of how awful it was for you but you are under no obligation to pretend not the idiot however this is probably the worst time you can choose to expose your kids to the more complex truth of your relationship with him he has cancer he might die they are going to regress into scared kids facing the possibility dad might leave forever they will be rallying around him far more concerned about the present than the past at another time they may be more receptive to admitting he was not the best father and concluding he was a bad husband at the moment they absolutely will not you will look like the bad guy and in this emotionally heightened moment it might take a very long time for them to get the kind of emotional perspective over a decade ago i was in a relationship with a woman let's call her julie we broke up after a couple months because she got a job in another state i hadn't really thought about her since a couple months ago i was contacted by a lawyer apparently julie had gotten pregnant with my child before we broke up and never told me after she moved she listed me on the birth certificate but raised our son as a single mother she got married about five years ago to a man who has been in my son's life since he was two however her husband never formally adopted him my son is now older julie's lawyer has asked me to give up all parental rights and allow her husband to adopt him this was all very shocking to me but i realized i don't want to do this now that i know there's a child out there who is mine i want to get to know him and be a present father for him i'm angry that i was never informed of his existence as i love children and would never abandon any child i helped create i traveled to julie state and a paternity test also proved that he is indeed mine i am filing for custody despite living in another state my lawyer has advised me that i have a decent chance of at least being given custody over the summers however in the meantime julie is not allowing me to see my son she and her husband have been harassing me to allow him to be adopted claiming it wouldn't be fair that he has to be uprooted from his life and everything he's familiar with however i really believe i would be a great father and i'm angry that i never had the chance to prove that if i had known she was pregnant with my child 10 years ago i would have fought to make it work i really want to get to know him but because of the global situation courts are delayed so i'm unable to see him right now i get that this will make life harder for julie and maybe an adjustment for my son but this is unfair to me as well and i deserve to make up for lost time am i the idiot for pursuing custody of my son not the idiot so mom doesn't tell dad for years then reappears in the form of a lawyer and paperwork to sign over his rights and he's just supposed to he has every right to be in his son's life as much as his stepdad does julie is the idiot and quite frankly she made this bed 10 years ago now it's time to sleep in it yes the kids mental health will be messed up but you know whose fault it isn't oh peace whether or not he finds out now or later in life his world is going to turn upside down but opie shouldn't have to suffer knowing he has a son being raised by someone else just because of julie not the idiot my mom kept my paternity a secret for my entire childhood i didn't mean my biological father until i was 19 and if she had her way i probably never would have found out and it's something i will never fully forgive my mother for i'm 28 now and my dad and i are close we have amazingly similar personalities i recently moved to his state and we usually have lunch once a week he's a devoted grandfather to my children it's so nice but we were robbed of the chance to form a bond when i was a child and that breaks my heart my ex-husband and i have a daughter when i was pregnant my ex-husband repeatedly requested we name her after his dead mother ethel i wasn't a fan but after a while i relented from infancy it felt strange calling her that she just didn't seem it my ex and i divorced two years later and i took to calling her l as a nickname due to the nature of his work ex gets her on weekends he always called her ethel and for eight years she seemed to have no problem with either her friends did take to calling her l though which my ex was fine with for the past six months however my daughter has stopped using ethel and writes l on everything her notebooks her schoolwork we moved houses and she got a sign for her door she requested it said l according to my ex she refuses to go by ethel now she tells him i'm l daddy he is furious with me for starting this nickname and basically erasing why he wanted to name her after his mum keep in mind i don't solely call harrell and have used ethel for legal documents when talking to her etc elle just came out more my argument is she has been called both for years it's her name her choice my ex is calling her l but says it's my fault my current husband backs me up but my ex-in-laws are mad am i the idiot not the idiot if the kid doesn't want an old lady name she shouldn't have an old lady name just make sure you explain to her that she still needs to use her legal name when required and that she can change that if she wants to when she turns 18. i don't recommend sooner because she may change her mind over the years also it'll just make her dad more angry right now and he won't agree to it not the idiot it's not like you legally changed her name elle is gonna be nearly adults soon your ex should get a grip on his control issues before he alienates his daughter totally [Music] you

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Keywords: reddit, reddit stories, ask reddit, askreddit, reddit girl, reddit woman, reddit real voice, r/aita, r/mil, reddit set up, reddit parenting, reddit ex husband, reddit ex wife, reddit ex parenting, reddit relationship, reddit dealing with ex, reddit ex husband parenting, reddit ex wife parenting, reddit ex daughter, reddit outcome, reddit husband has a daughter

Id: 4Px4GYy1se8

Length: 19min 2sec (1142 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 20 2020