Everything Wrong With Planet of the Apes (1968)

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[Music] even in 1968 the Fox logo took 15 goddamn seconds proving this logo was a long-standing Hollywood tradition of bullying audiences and that completes my final report until we reach touchdown Aryan touch my crew in for the long sleep I'll be joining so Heaven's Gate why didn't ask to make the spacecraft soundproof apparently even in 1968 it was an acceptable future for astronauts to be smoking a goddamn cigar in the shuttle family even in 1968 was an acceptable future for astronauts to place their cigar right next to flammable raw material okay wait this guy woke up from crowd sleep left a voice message for mentioning the people who set him on this mission are all surely dead suggesting he's been in cryo sleep a while moles around a moment then puts himself back into Kraus we don't have that right I guess NASA didn't give this movie permission to use their name so the filmmakers took this newfound grade of Liberty to switch to letters nearly two minutes of opening credits that do nothing for nobody thankfully these crabs sleep pods open with the ship encounters a problem something 2016's passengers couldn't even get right Stewart that is one of the weirdest cuts in all the history of film editing ah 1960s on centered zoomed high 1960s horror movie screeching the only reason this hibernation chamber is cracked and the others aren't is because it was that motherfucker Chris Pratt wasn't it also on the late 60s when the only major female human character is casually killed before even having a line in fact they didn't even need to hire actress for this role just used a prop goddamn other than the two weird minutes of opening exposition this movie's opening 25 minutes are actually fantastic disorienting without explaining too much long takes with little to no dialogue somebody's way better than you remember it being is what I'm saying two sins off yes okay thank God I mean it's earth but you don't know that so here is this is luckier you just Christ landed on a planet with air you can breathe baby 15 seconds of this guy giving play-by-play about the inevitable ship sinking you didn't have time to read the tapes this will be a convenient out for the movie so that these astronauts won't suspect they're on earth but somehow it doesn't have time to check the basic information I guess answer really is a discount NASA that food water amounts right three-day your emergency bailout of your spaceship metallic backpacks have three days of rations that's it do I even bother packing emergency ration pack and apart from that you look pretty chipper for a man who's 2,031 years old this dick waited until now to tell these guys the year like whole raft ride over here he said man I can't wait to spring this fact on these assholes I'm wondering that's my motto it's a fact Landon with the fake background behind me right now well there's no life here we've got just 72 hours to find it what did you just say no seriously let's spell it out again for posterity there's no life here we've got just 72 hours to find it notice this flag god help you if you don't hey guys so like I was saying this looks like the western United States right doesn't look like the western United States surely they would have no planet they were going to with the Sun that looks suspiciously like ours even if they didn't know the exact location and even if they didn't have time to check the tapes as much as I love this movie and its first 20 minutes it's maybe the most Grand Canyon porn film ever made right outside of those three connected Brady Bunch episodes at least this Boulder realizing the movie needed some action decided to start falling at this very moment to give the astronauts something to do other than imitate the Lord of the Rings the hold of you cloud cover tonight a strange luminosity yet there's no moon how do you know did you just land even we're supposed to believe they've seen nighttime here the movie shield none of it everything about this planet is warranty better light a cigarette also with precious cargo space for this important mission they still send cigarettes shot to even set up a guy addicted to cigarettes let alone supply to feed that addiction that way there's only room for three days of rations they stop here to smoke and argue and they somehow all completely avoided the shade of the rock they stopped behind seriously all these cars are in direct sunlight right now chase dodge somehow got a half mile lead during this conversation line what's immediately killed the first sign of light that we see take that stuff yo movie overestimates my tolerance for watching people walking glad they made it but they climbed down these rocks to get here which is hilarious I mean I'd skip it too because it's literally impossible but love the movies optimism how unobservant do you have to be to not even be looking for danger three catalytic aircraft that's easy to say when you don't realize you're the crow in this situation yes I know you hear water but you're on an alien planet at least in your mind he weirded out by weird please the Jerry Goldsmith really do the score for this movie guys it gotta be astronauts also I'm kind of wondering how the scene would have played out if their female colleague had lived beginning to think that is the only reason she died so that these dudes could skinny dip in peace also just to make it men's women and frolicking and wooing together just two days after crash landing and having the crew mate die totally doable right here folks hello what's happenin here I'm not judging I just wonder if they have time for this finally and only for the sake of propelling the plot these guys see the natives that have been following them for a long time also why do they steal their clothes it's a summer camp the planet Jorge is only interested in who's stealing their stuff to the point this movie can keep a G rating and keep us from seeing Charlton Heston also this movie is rated G another rating system doesn't come in for a few more months so this movie was rated afterwards but the MPA saw this and said general audiences I want that MPAA back this shot is brought to you by your local optometrists looking to make a quick buck the crew conveniently finds stuff to cover up their naughty bits all in one place so this whole movie doesn't have to be blocked with rocks trees and comically placed bananas so all that with the running hiding and stealing natives was just an elaborate hello the land when the hell did he get a fruit and why is he not sharing now the middle guy has a fruit too but throw and toss - any fruit - these curse not at least they haven't tried to fight it you think you're 2,000 years ahead in time and on an alien planet and you're going to make the comment like this instead of something like holy the aliens on this planet looks just like we do and look more or less human I think they're mute you've been watching them for 30 seconds asshole what a weird thing to say I shall meet with that one over there the first reveal of the apes being accompanied by this music awesome once in removed why is it cutting down all the coal the humans are running away through the core Apes walking slowly and chopping down on the corn should lead to the humans escaping though this movie will claim the opposite this is extremely inefficient netting doesn't even wrap around these people by the time it's done and that just looks like a minor inconvenience then you have these assholes who go by two-man teams to catch one person I mean figure out a plan guys didn't slaving the human race for years and this is some cut-rate I'm an animal psychologist that's all we have no authority expositional arguing come on speak come on speak there is no reason I can think of why after the Apes took over their planet humans forgot how to speak again at this point the movie we don't technically know the desert but final reveal sure makes so the movie scene seemed a lot more stupid doesn't it he keeps pretending he can call only because he was shot a throat earlier does his speaking ability take a while to manifest you know what they say human see human do har-har hilarious but not really hilarious reversing a primate based idiom is hilarious but not really hilarious George tries to grab zeros pen and notepad in an extremely insane animal-like way because of course he does but never wants to zero who believes humans can act like the Apes do try to get the pen and notepad to him anyway even on a whim because I guess pens and notepads are in scarce supply in thirty-nine seventy eight and she probably has a ton of unfinished tic-tac-toe games written down so would want to lose those also the standard prison guard weapon here is apparently an oversized crutch this guy was credited as super starving begging arms guy and he was paid exactly twenty dollars for his work but he clearly gave it his all hot ape action jeweled read something in the sand and while I know that he can't talk it's absolutely crazy he can't tap a cage or do something to get zeros attention during this no the for no other reason the plot starts to wipeout what George wrote the Sam just punishment for fighting in that cage will be to put you in another cage that'll teach you thankfully for I guess the extras budget this jail appears to be completely empty during this scene how to make a female ape fall in love with you in less than two seconds if you're Charmcaster Oh Wayne Indiana woohoo shout out to Fort Wayne where I live for five years of my youth go you Huskies well not Huskies probably IPFW is Mastodon which admittedly doesn't roll off the tongue as well but does better fit the motif of the joke possibility and yet the science ignorant ape still somehow took over earth at some point a century or more after humans discovered flight come on are we supposed to believe that these hyper intelligent Apes haven't figured out paper airplanes these assholes are talking about brain surgery but even the simplest idea of flight never cross their minds also this Apes society has learned the joys of ink pens and paper which also suggests they have other modern things like the paper mill and machinery that can cut the paper not to mention all the complexities of producing an ink pen I know this movie needs a couple things to get the story going but I'm not giving you latitude will be set the ape evolved from a lower order primate possibly man Louie just thinks it could reverse everything even evolution this guard comes in with a leash or some rather than a lacrosse stick thing that everybody else uses yeah he has found peace in heaven jerk eight nets continue to be insanely bad at their job and all that in the last several minutes is now a meaningless distraction after he gets caught again thanks for that movie I enjoy being teased come on seriously oh wait now he's pretty good Christ long JC Shyamalan Heston's balls cam thankfully these Apes have a humans museum which he fortunately wandered into our accident also even more thankfully there are somehow now only two dudes chasing him instead of mannequins this movie uses live extras here to pose as the three cavemen next to our hero and if Yuri watch their footage they are hilariously not still so they made a museum exhibit out of his fellow crew member that's fine but the speed at which they did it considering the crash was just a few days ago it's astounding anything for a great visual though I guess this is bad eh I'm sure but he's also not even aiming at George he's clearly shooting to the left have Apes figuring out that they're capturing tools are yet they seem to all break or magically spill off a little to no effort because the filmmakers decided to shoot this next shot the dramatic way this is the one that will actually capture George cages stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape it looks like running around like a fool around this village gave George's voice back or was it because he briefly walked through that church it's a miracle that being said I'm also removing two sins for this moment because its iconic Brown also because Rise of the Planet of the Apes later perfectly mirrors the moment with Caesar yelling no at the primate refuge and I kind of have high powered fire hoses in this a future but they don't have central heating they're stupid apes did I tell you about Stuart and there was a lovely girl she was to be the new Eve you see when three male astronauts love one female astronaut very much a gangbang occurs that produces children children which will grow up and eventually incest each other Nova I taught you about him breeding yep well let me to slide away what was the point of all that bull few minutes ago where they took Nova out of Georgia cell and put her in a different one and leave only to come back and take George away to some sort of tribunal I'm not prison bars in this scene judge Dix as the defendants robes are stinky and immediately is rendered naked with no thought given to the fact that his unwashed body might have been driving the bulk of the stink guy on trial is allowed to kneel steel pen and paper and write on a message without anyone objecting all while the prosecutor is making his opening arguments some makes it seems Omari Rosa knows a great quote from the amazing George April from his best-selling work human farm Helena because a horseshoe ever the right incision shape for any kind of surgery but this the eights now have 20% net success in this movie we'll practice in a little luck they could finally get into race on rondo territory okay guys let's try to make this see no evil hear no evil see no evil subtle I mean try god damnit rot away you did the skater series my god you made it possible for us to expose Zira and Cornelius let's talk about the Apes plan despite the fact that it's much better for them to go ahead and kill and lobotomize George and keep the status quo they'd much rather stage a whole trial in order to expose to Apes they suspect don't believe in their religion considering the power of the council holds it's actually amazing they couldn't just dispose of Zira and Cornelius through basic lies in general great I just noticed something and I know it's taken me a long time to get here but why'd all the Apes were clothes jury they might have had some sort of adamantium shame but they live in a fucking desert and they're covered in hair wearing jackets and pants so look at these Apes a lemonade pronto you just six hours to make a full conversation why is six that's a super strange arbitrary number yield no matter what else happens in this movie this ape smoking a stogie is cool as I'll even take a sit off for Cornelius and I have been indicted for heresy Cornelius and Zira who are being indicted on the charge of general asshole Larry are somehow able to walk around freely and plan prison breaks shaving camp I didn't realize that man could be monogamous this sounds like some sort of comment on human society but what does really mean in the context of this movie just because he brought one hot chick with him doesn't mean monogamous it just means you guys literally paired him with the hottest woman on the planet and she was the only one around during the prison break there is no contradiction between weight and shyam I probably should remove us in for this movie mimicking real life but let's call this a sin of Honor and add one anyway always giving orders just like every other adult that's what this movie really needed a whiny teen a full minute of dialogue three climactic Beach cave exploring this thousand-year-old donk and somehow still make noise ah withdraw a pair oh yeah I forgot I only use the voice that can be heard by people below me I now need to use my above me voice I know dr. Zaius told those two Apes to withdraw but what's really preventing them from coming back and doing a sneak attack on these sitting ducks right now oh they can't convict us of heresy you've helped prove our innocence are you kidding me you trust the society to accept your evidence better follow us I'm pretty handy with this but still did you fall for the girl just because of proximity back in the cages if you were ugly would we still be seeing the same ending all my life I have waited you're coming and drag a geek I guess except that's what my ex-girlfriend told me when we had sex about two minutes our build up to a reveal that would make ray from the force awakens give up not gonna lie Statue of Liberty looks pretty good for 2,000 years of wear and tear that's it I'm going to remove five sins for one of the best cinematic reveals ever I mean Lani [Applause] [Music] well it's gonna be a scorcher you might be pregnant now gotcha one jump ahead of the breadline one swing ahead of the sword only what I can afford ladies and gentlemen of the jury I'm just a kid I fell in some ice and later got bought out by some of your scientists oh dear dear his life then I've only an hour to dress what are they wearing now you will spend that hour getting acquainted with George Bailey [Music] and I'll defend myself time to run your soil texture oh wow everybody here that I just discovered dark

Info

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,398,295

Rating: 4.6970172 out of 5

Keywords: planet of the apes, charlton heston, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, mistakes

Id: 16jLyLsMa58

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 14min 54sec (894 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 11 2017

Reddit Comments

Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

👍︎︎ 16 👤︎︎ u/DieSowjetZwiebel 📅︎︎ Jul 11 2017 🗫︎ replies

With the exception of the 2001 remake, I don't think there's ever been a bad Planet of The Apes movie. Yes, I even like Battle For...

Also, no sin removed for those awesome makeup effects?

👍︎︎ 4 👤︎︎ u/ROBOT_B9 📅︎︎ Jul 11 2017 🗫︎ replies

Still the best apes movie

👍︎︎ 5 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ Jul 12 2017 🗫︎ replies