The 5 TRAPS A Narcissist Will Use To MANIPULATE YOU (Don't Fall For This!) | Dr. Ramani

let's start with talking about the five ways people get stuck in narcissistic relationships even when they're like I know this isn't healthy for me I know this isn't good for me let's talk about the five traps hope fear guilt pity and believe it or not Comfort start with hope the hope is this is going to get better maybe if I wait another year maybe if we wait for them to get a promotion maybe if we make a little bit more money hope hope always almost future faking yourself right you keep moving your own goal posts and it doesn't help that they're doing it too they're like give me another year give me another six months I'm gonna go to therapy I'm gonna no they're not I just want to highlight that frame you said it's so good future faking yourself so and that's worse than someone future faking you because now you're you're almost like falling into the same vat with them of saying I'm going to give it this much time or maybe after no today you're gonna judge today okay so that's the hope the fear people have is the fear of being alone the fear of having to start again the fear of um doing things on their own the fear of what if I'm wrong you know what if they actually do change what if I maybe what's going to happen in six months so there's a lot of fear okay the guilt one thing we talked about in that first episode we did together is not all narcissism is the the big peacock strutting around so grandiose in some cases the narcissistic presentation is really vulnerable it's they're very socially anxious they're always a victim you always need to rescue them so people sort of feel a sense of guilt of like I'm not a mean person I'm a compassionate person I don't want to leave someone when they're down well they're always down so it's never going to be the right time but that last Pete that piece that Comfort piece is challenging too because we really do gravitate to that which is familiar even when it's traumatic and so that idea of trauma bonding you keep having the same arguments but they're familiar arguments that's very much the trauma Bond the justifying all the time the thing using sort of magical terms like I don't know it's just something I can't describe why I like them I'm like you can't describe why you like them and you're using all this magical talk then there's something wrong here tell me why you will like spending time with this person I know it's a narcissistic relationship with people like I don't know how to describe it it's just like this magic and I don't know how to describe I say you know how to describe it because it's not healthy it's just why is that can you like deeper because it's a big part of the trauma bonding experience because it's so Primal right is really someone gonna say you know why I like being in this relationship because they remind me of my invalidating mother and they the the reminder of my invalidating mother is really just such an interesting place for me to work things through they ain't gonna say that right so they're going to say I don't know how to describe it it feels sort of magical and I'm like oh God no no magic I want to hear this respect kindness compassion similar values similar interests I feel safe I want to hear that stuff okay so all of that stuff though in a trauma-bonded relationship sadly can feel a comfort because familiarity is one of the greatest Comforts of all think about it you go back to a HomeTown even if you never want to live there again there's a comfort in knowing almost intuitively the turns and the road and all of that stuff right we are soothed by Comfort it's the phrase the better the devil you know yep and then in the biggest trouble you have basically so all of that stuff keeps people stuck okay but even once people recognize that and they're like no oh despite all of that I'm going to do the courageous thing I'm gonna step out of this then they step out okay a couple of things happen most classically is the phenomenon of hoovering now hoovering and you know this is a Brit is a vacuum right so you know it better than Americans Americans are like ubering it's it's a vacuum yeah so it's sucking someone back in and hoovering is a common narcissist tactic now not every narcissist Hoover sometimes they move on into their own future thing without you but many times they do it's a power play it's a dominance play it's a way for them to feel in control it's game playing it messes with your mind it's manipulation but hoovering is when the person's left they're already struggling with the hope the fear the guilt the pity the trauma bondedness all of that and then the narcissist I don't know two months out three months out even three days out text like hey babe I miss you or like been thinking about you and this this sort of the fantasy version that love bombing version of The Narcissist sort of starts to emerge again and you think oh yeah I was yeah I was right see hope and in fact some people when they step out enjoy that sense of power of like oh if I step away from them then they become nice again and that's a trauma bonded dance in the relationship out of the relationship in the relationship out of the relationship recognizing that the narcissist person loves games and relationships they love the chase they love the hoovering cycle so some people really can get very vulnerable to getting sucked back in and almost enjoying the having the narcissist trying to win them over well as soon as they get them back in they discard them it's like a child with a toy they don't really want they just wanted to get it away from their brother or their sister right so that hoovering trap is a big one for someone to be resistant to because every trauma bonded cell in their body is saying I want to go back you know and you have to say no no no no no no it's almost like don't walk towards the light and this guy's like walk the other way whatever the other way is and so that's a huge risk okay but then we have to add into that Lisa things like societal pressures and this is where we talk about enabling the enablers to me in many ways are as dangerous as the narcissist the ones are like oh they're not so bad you just got to give them a chance or come on the devil you know and they'll say things that will not only attempt to sort of downgrade the harm the narcissist is doing but then leave the person who wants to step away from the relationship feel shamed foolish like they're making a mistake because that person who's leaving a relationship is already struggling with that so if the enablers are stepping in and they're saying like oh you sure you know what you're doing then there's already so much doubt in the mind of the person leaving so now those enablers pouring all this new doubt in there and P again there's a lot of Shame around that like who am I to think I could step away because narcissistic abuse really undoes a person leaves them feeling like they're not enough leaves them feeling like they're they're full of self-doubt they're confused and they really start believing like who else will have me who cares who else will have you we just want to get you away from that person but the enablers can really do a number on a person as well as Society you know like um we're making this episode around the holidays right and so you got to be you can't be alone during the holidays I can't tell you how many people got stuck in narcissistic relationships for another six months because it was the holidays and they didn't want to stay leave because of the holiday and I'm like oh my gosh just go get drunk under a tree somewhere but like please don't let this be why you you you end up signing up for more so you can see that there's it's Society it's enablers it's your own demons all of that colludes to make not only leaving but even walking that first block out of the relationship really really difficult I love how you frame it and then also like I love to get some like real tactics because I'm always that person where like if I'm emotionally not feeling like if I'm feeling vulnerable I need tips and tactics to actually either do or say in those moments to not then just let my heart follow um get hoovered back in basically so unless you want to start with hope because what are the language that people say that narcissists will say to you um to bring back that hope that you can kind of um be wary of that becomes a flag so for instance I know that you've said when someone says to you like oh um don't it's never going to happen again so things like that what are the things that they're using to um trigger your hope it's never going to happen again I'm gonna go get therapy give it another give me another six months this has just been a rough time the holidays are tough for me Valentine's Day is tough for me your birthday is tough for me my birthday is tough so keep linking it to anniversary dates holiday dates and say let's just get through this holiday let's just get through the summer let's just get through the fall I'm like okay we've got all four seasons so we just going through so it's always this idea of let me get through this review at work let me get through this deadline um so in essence you're always being put on ice right that's how future faking but that's how the Hope gets cultivated because they're saying like I'm aware there's an issue right so when somebody says that to you I'm aware there's an issue that Fosters your hope but basically they're saying and you're not important enough for me to adjust that right now oh my God that's so true and then thinking about I know a lot of women that have been hurt and um are wounded and so they look for that in a partner because they feel needed I can help fix this yeah yeah yeah so even with with the guilt part I think that how does someone work through that that might be one of the hardest things of all to work through right because especially when you're dealing with somebody who's a very manipulative vulnerable narcissist they use their victimization as a tool like oh nothing ever goes my way and life is so unfair to me and you know I can't you know I was ever going to want to be with me now often even a vulnerable narcissist their tactics are interesting they'll even put themselves down like oh if you leave me who's ever going to want me and if some if they're with somebody and usually invulnerable narcissists are with Rescuers and fixers right they're not the big flashy grandiose narcissists these are the ones who are getting very victim very Sullen very resentful very angry and brooding and all of that that The Rescuers will feel like oh God like this is this per person and so it really is the work then becomes is to say your empathy and compassion are such beautiful things however I want us to take a minute and really list all of the unhealthy pattern Insurance in this relationship because what's happening is you're basically staying in something that's noxious that's unhealthy it's almost like being next to like a chemical dump site and smelling and all the chemicals or next to someone who's smoking a cigarette or something blowing the smoke towards you it's not good for you and so that idea of helping someone see that you can retain your empathy and compassion and you can also preserve yourself and your job on this Earth is not to rescue another capable adult that responsibility lies on them wow that was so amazing thank you for that because I really do worry about those situations where people do just take it on themselves as their responsibility and you're 100 right that they'll lock it away like the phrase that came to mind is you you teach people how to treat you and that phrase really hits me and so when I think about things like that it's like you mean so well and that's the thing right people mean well right and that phrase though Lisa It's Tricky you teach people how to treat you because so many people were never taught how to be treated you see what I'm saying so I think that there's a real risk with that one because many people came from homes where they were invalidated as children where they were not valued where they had no empathy shown to them it came from family systems characterized by narcissism and antagonism and high conflict personalities so nobody taught them so this idea of they don't know how to teach someone else because they themselves don't know I'm not even going to say they're teaching people one of the key elements to remember about the narcissistic relationship it's why currently the world of mental health is not serving this group of people who's going through narcissistic abuse well we make it all about responsibility and we put all the responsibility on the person going through narcissistic abuse and they're already blaming themselves but the person who's Behaving Badly really is the narcissistic person right right and since the world is telling this person in the relationship maybe you shouldn't leave or everyone deserves Second Chances or why don't you forgive they're getting that message messaging they themselves are confused they've been gaslighted they've been manipulated they think all of this narcissistic person's behavior is their fault right so you feel like that framing actually they they will take on the blame which obviously doesn't serve them correct yeah so I think this idea that they have this person in the narcissistic relationship thinking that they can take all this responsibility and have all this power they actually can't and don't because this is so manipulative and even the mental health profession will say well well what's your role in this I said there this is like saying what someone's role is somebody gets punched in the face and said well does your face really need to be in the way do you want to know the Key signs to spot a narcissist click here right now tell me the story of you tell me how you spend your days okay you ask those two questions you're going to get a lot of data pay attention the other thing you need to pay attention to this third thing is not a question it's how do you how are you

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 382,268

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Dr Ramani, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, Radical Confidence, RadCon, bestselling author, women, women empowerment, interview, q&a, business advice, advice for women, tips for women, podcasts, Dr Ramani narcissism, doctorramani, narcissistic mother, trauma bond, narcissist traps, narcissistic triggers, narcissistic relationships

Id: BRxDVs1eeNk

Length: 13min 26sec (806 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 02 2023