Ep- 342 The King Returns

[Music] no you don't want nada we finally got him dude we just captured the elusive garbles dude very elusive unbelievable yeah given us he's giving us a new year oh god i can already i already feel an accusation coming out here i was just very elusive kind of like if something happened and then suddenly he was very elusive yeah are you sick [ __ ] are you really going to say that we've already had this conversation go ahead hold on hold on no don't control me hold on because i i was thinking about this on the way here and i literally told this i was like steve just calm down but then i blew in the first minute yeah but hang on because what was the last one that was all you don't even say anything story how are his levels gardini through the roof no we'll do we're not redoing it all right on the screen just talk like a man i'll back up and then i'll scream so i don't mean to tell you i don't mean to tone police thank you god what are you scream shaving me what did you have for breakfast courage no i had to i mean i've got to defend myself just slightly sure no i agree i've defended you the whole time any time i read a comment that was like gerbin turned his back on the no it was because you're [ __ ] up and coveted thank you yeah it was just because you got [ __ ] up you know yeah and then it turns out you're not [ __ ] up yeah what's going on that's [ __ ] up it was uh arthritis stuff that just the medication that was on stop work and so then we tried different medications and those did not work so that like kills your everything and then covet yeah we had a sad girbs for a while yeah and then depression yeah we are locked up girls yeah but now he's back what a little bit of hair toss the hair out dude what was yeah so i shaved my head because like i must have been terrifying it was it's nice to see you at night walking around it's not a good life was that the darkest hour in the middle of covid with the shaved head i don't think so i think it was more recently actually why um i mean we could get into all that but sure i'd love to well no but it's not to hear about your darkest tower no i know it's not funny to you but trust me it is funny this is a cool tiger woods hat you are a lot like tiger thanks i got that because o'connor had a under armour hat like it's a total [ __ ] hound tiger dude oh if i had the opportunity yes so what was i gonna say banned from baskin robbins dude banned from baskin robbins tiger woods took someone down from frank was it freddie uh i think it was a no it was similar to a friendlies it was like a baskin robbins tgi he like took down perkins at perkins he had a perkins waitress he was yeah yeah yeah and then she took her tampon out definitely [ __ ] up one of the s skeevy little journalists ran over and collected the tape you know about that yeah what do you think of journalists collectively they're an important check on power oh my god oh yeah you should get punched in the belly for that it's a reasonable comment it's a reasonable comment to say about tucker uh tucker i don't watch enough tucker dude i did see the john oliver thing on him pretty brutal it was really unwatchable yeah john oliver's pretty gay it's like it almost made me do the opposite of the thing that john oller was trying to do you try to hate him yeah yeah because it's just like i mean you already covered it but it it basically is like um tucker carlson you wah blah blah blah there's the joke and then do moldy piece of wonder bread tucker it's like every single time yeah yeah whoever writes for him bro like must have watched rose battles four years ago that's how you start a sentence yeah you know what i mean before you tell your joke you're like you say something yeah like you pedophile yeah yeah and it's all one note it's just like ah yeah there's worse is the one joke he only does which is like no sharon you can't take that it's this you cannot do that okay now like i mean that's it every single time anyway yeah man he had that one and i don't remember exactly what he said on that but because the move that he was accusing tucker making which i guess tucker does make is there's like what does that mean what does white supremacy even mean and so then john allison defines it yeah that's a tough one but then we talked about we're the best oh i'm sorry yeah i watched him recently talk about the vaccine and how vaccinated people still have to wear the mask i had to turn it off because he was getting here just killing me dude he was fine they're being like yeah why do we have oh oliver no no no tucker was watching and talking about a thing he was like and if the vaccines work why do i have to wear a mask still yeah what are you doing dude i was sitting there just like that's a good point yeah hit me with some [ __ ] points yeah dude he hit me i was like shut it down i watch him just i mean full mind control over my dad nightly you have to turn it off dude because it's just he will he will fire you up yeah it's either awkward orange my dad says here with his eyes it's either maddow we'll have you be like tucker will have you be like god damn this is [ __ ] this is [ __ ] i'm getting the raw deal they're [ __ ] bullying ted cruz about not wearing a mask he's been vaccinated he's a hoax though was it it might have been rubio he's a hoax yeah it's true no now they're cool now they're cool anybody that trump murdered embodied yeah that's true gone dude i don't want to hear you how is there not another person who can come out and just like trump again like the one guy tried it there was that one senator from florida who was like i'll step on your [ __ ] head with golf cleats and everything's like yeah that's not how he did it that's not how he did it it was more funny uh so girvin yeah you've been in hiding oh yeah the only thing i just said i just wanted to finish the thought on that though because then oliver comes off of that comment when then he defines white supremacy in a way that if i remember right i only heard it once so i was like what what was his definition i forget so i'm gonna add a link to the i'm an [ __ ] i'm attacking something i don't even remember forget it okay well so you shaved your head you were walking around your apartment with your cat yeah you've been sad for a year straight yeah doing nothing take us there how did you feel in that moment horrible what was going on did you think about coming did i think about coming while you were lurking around in your dark apartment were you just like when will i come again yeah like a real count dracula vibe uh no what are you thinking about well just like it's it's a good question i don't know wanting to be obliterated did you think about suicide at all yeah but i don't have the i don't have the temperament to do it yeah me neither you got to be real gung-ho yeah dude i thought about it yesterday i was just i've been fuming for 12 hours i'm sure and at one point i was like i don't even feel like dealing with any of this yeah being nice to just yeah right there's a button there's like pure obliteration yeah yeah yeah everything's gone yeah like enough you don't even know you existed there is no set i kind of want a violent impact that's that's what i crave yeah i don't i don't want like that's like the what was the um the walking dead where they're in like the cdc and they're like this flame will blow up so fast it's like you won't even feel anything i want to like fall when i get in my moods when i can't even i want to kill myself it's just one of where you just want i want to break break your [ __ ] face i just want to fall give me something to pray that's how i felt today i woke up i was like it's just one of those days it was just one of those days when i opened my eyes today [Music] don't do it it's out dude i'm so angry gervin walked in i'm sorry to cut you off sure please i agree though violently dying quickly is the way yeah exactly this is the way just a quick like a painless dirt [Laughter] uh german walks in first off i'm fuming about german's schedule here yeah fuming about it oh yeah the timetables that he's i mean whatever whatever whatever you're totally fine it's like a ceo you don't need to talk to the camera german yeah german's gonna take off at exactly 1 pm yeah that's it i have to go anyway regardless regardless you're not totally wrong on that we agreed on that time okay true uh he walked back he walks in and we've been in there we've been in this house for maybe five minutes yeah he walks it's dark in here you just sitting in the dark turn the lights on and i was just instantly i'm already human oh i'm fuming dude yeah and he walks in and hits me with that then what was it then he starts talking and i had the volume because i couldn't find billy's remote so i was using uh screen monitor screen mirroring yeah on my phone so i was like trying to adjust the volume on this video we were watching he was like could you turn it down and then i started to try to turn down and literally four seconds after he goes could you please turn it down i mean insanity and then i was like i'm doing that and he was like oh jeez i mean he came in with pure lady energy like it's dark turn the lights on turn the volume down oh my god my mom every time i'm sticking what are you sitting in the dark turns yeah they'll start flicking light switches and it's like dude i'm in the dark because i'm fuming exactly i don't want to fume in the light one of the reasons why i don't do this podcast that often is because i i want to have a good performance i view this as performance i'm a good radio i'm coming in here high energy yeah you are i walk into a space it's dark it was just and then and then i i'm being conscientious i'm like meeting one of his friends and i you know so i'm just talking and i hear it loud knowing shane when it was loud i felt like he was turning it up on me he was actively actively trying to turn it down before you even asked the first time i was trying to turn it down i didn't give him lady energy i gave him dad energy i was like can you turn it down oh your daddy him he thought no on a second no all right slide over towards shane just a little bit try to get like right next to him get over here i'm over here [Laughter] about kevin's fine i had a tough day i had a hotel reservation this morning with and i did it through expedia now this is on me i scheduled it for a week later next week so i called the hotel and i was like can i get an early check-in and they're like your reservations through expedia so i gotta call expedia they didn't answer for an hour and a half i was on [ __ ] hold i took a shower that's how long i put it on speaker and put it on my sink and took a shower because i had to check out of my airbnb at 11 which was a rush yeah you wanted to you didn't get through with expedia i was in new york last i mean look i'm fuming yeah dude just give me something to break i'll pack a chainsaw dude i'll be pissed i'll rip your ass or all i would rip your ass wrong and then this one comes in he's like why is it dark in here turn light i was just like dude he ripped my ass for all i'd like to rip his [ __ ] i haven't gotten a chance yet eye contact expedia's just dialed expedia's call waiting is like trolling songs what are they playing they played rick astley they played never gonna give you like literally they rick rolled you while i was waiting for an hour and a half oh now i gave up at 50 minutes i turned it off i couldn't and they played hello from the other side by adele which because one of the lyrics is like i must have called a thousand dollars i mean they think it's funny so expedia's having fun they're just [ __ ] with you oh my god and then so i just bought a different reservation i just bought it because i would rather spend four hundred dollars on a nice room and not call then have to talk to than any of that yeah and then there's a app that just disconnects whenever a actual person gets on like you you do the whole like uh online advisor or whatever to try to change your reservation so it's like automated at first and then it's like one moment we'll connect you with someone as soon as someone connects it disconnects dude you got you're living that stick in a bandanna life something's wrong right you're trapped you're a rambling man that's another thing that sucks right now i've been my car's just filled with clothing yeah it's a shitty time right you're assistant coach from last chance you i really am he's got the [ __ ] shirts in the back and i gotta deal with guff from a guy who's supposed to be a friend i got guff i am a friend i had a we we laid out a schedule schedules are good now i'm done yeah bellyaching dude i had it was funny i had the opposite i today i was like i came home i my babysitter crapped out just crapped on me really whatever happens yeah but the uh [Laughter] so i'm sitting there i'm like running around doing all this [ __ ] i get a text german calls me he's like hey i'm outside now it's 11. i'm like what the [ __ ] i had it was that moment i could have instantly broke down in spazz and i just went totally fine yeah i've been on i could have fumed i was feeling gerbin i texted german this morning and it was while i was expedient and i was like how's 12 yeah just responded 11. we agreed upon 11. but what's funny is it's not as [ __ ] is wrong with you what the [ __ ] is wrong just say like oh man ah [ __ ] i can't do 12. i i'm sorry i can only do 11. that's how i would respond you say we agreed upon it this is the deal we made and i'm going to show up at this time what a psycho way to talk it's not a cycle what a single [ __ ] thing to do when you agree to a plan and you know that somebody else has a you know somebody it's not psycho it's not psycho if you would have just been like i can't i can't i'm sorry i'd be like totally understand my bet that's that but instead it's no this is we have a contract we agreed on this otherwise i'm not doing it just writes 12. not hey i know we agreed on this could you it's the type of psycho that's on call waiting with expedia so you say that you say listening to [ __ ] i apologize i know you got a work schedule i got a work schedule [ __ ] can you can you uh is there a way on your phone to get music while you talk to somebody you know not like a ring back time i would like that soothing like asian music but i talked to him i said 12 at billy's and then the address he said 11. i said okay tough guy and then what did i say said okay tough guy thanks for that it's not tough guys it's what we agreed on exclamation point yeah and then i said tough as nails and then i said no and then he said lol so i mean it was friendly but you are being tough as nails i don't know why i get it he's got a new flow it's the game and i know do you want to talk about other things that's been going on it's the game [Laughter] the funniest thing is as soon as i like immediately i realized this today whenever i encounter some sort of conflict where it's like like today i was like i was like i saw a called me and i was like i'm just finding out about this and my brain instantly i like instantly got pissed at brittany for some reason i'm like she's at [ __ ] work dude get mad at everyone i can i'm like just [ __ ] she's at [ __ ] work right now i did text you last night though i didn't see a text oh yeah but it doesn't matter the funny part was then more importantly it's his wife's fault yeah exactly the funniest part was i was like you know i'm just fine i checked the text it was like 9 a.m i'm like my phone was on silence i was like dude my brain instantly i always catch it just instantly blaming as many people as possible yeah it's so [ __ ] funny well that's human that's what i'm human i started to fume and i [ __ ] fire hi i was just like i put the extinguisher on i said look oh yeah the funny part was all i did was make one phone call and like hey can you watch her at like 11 30 instead of 12 and then it was no issue but instead of that i was like she's at [ __ ] work i'm doing [ __ ] everything right now it's so funny i it was i was on call waiting screaming at call waiting screaming at music in my bed screaming and then it was one of those now this is me being very truthful and honest you ever get so frustrated you feel like you want to cry oh yeah it was just that and i was just like what the [ __ ] is wrong with me like then that was another problem where i was like how is this just killing my whole day yeah and then just spazzing yeah did we talk about this word you know that viral it was like one of the first memes of like a kid try he was sent to his room or something so he starts flopping around on his bed and like sticks a remote up his ass oh yeah yeah yeah i know exactly what that is yeah he takes it off his bare ass i think somebody turned his game off yeah he doesn't stick it up but he just kind of puts it for a second against his record i was like [Laughter] trying to stimulate i mean i'm fully break stuff right you need to put something up your ass dude get so angry yeah but uh just to clarify i you know it's just day job and yeah tough as nails heard that heard that how's the day job going well yeah i mean it's busy it's you know it's for my brother and you know he it's you ever try to take you ever think about taking his entire operation no i can't think about backstabbing him absolutely absolutely oh no yeah dude exactly yeah so terrible with organization and that's like a big part of really you seem pretty strict on schedules well because i got this back end thing and it's there's you know there's other people if you were to take him down how would you go about it yeah just to crumble the empire you couldn't you're saying he's totally unassailable you couldn't go there there's nothing you could do to maybe even put like a just slice just one cut on the uh on the like like the column could you just put a tiny little slice he never confessed to anything secretly to you no he's a very straight narrow person right yeah and what about inventing some sort of skill yeah why don't you just falsely accuse him of something uh no i mean i i i don't know those those types of thoughts do not i think what about dirty talk do you ever do any of that of course i do some dirty time hold on so take us back to the time it's it's the middle of pandemic and you want to kill yourself yes yeah so do all of it we all wanted to get can i just say that because i'm faking it though go ahead please because the you know how uh break stuff yep cause my when i would jog my song was nookie and i would think about you would jog to nookie yeah yeah dude that hat's durst as [ __ ] dude it's a red hat well cause i i told you i didn't do this or i touched it on stage a little bit but like i fantasized about beating up terrorists and like saving children from a bus no doubt you don't do that you got a little wahlberg in you i guess yeah oh for sure so like every time i get near the schuylkill i'm just like i genuinely want someone to fall in so i could jump in and rescue them yeah cold water and just be like that's nothing i had to do it right right you know what you're saying to the media oh yeah yeah oh yeah of course so um i'd love you thought of me when you thought of this this is weird listen no all right you're you're stopping isis from attacks in your dream while you're jogging for now white supremacists be fair true now it's more than fair don't you know that's why it's gonna be terrorist you're gonna update your you know fantasy you gotta check your white fantasy privilege dude you need to stop white should just be tackling matt true terrorist you know what the white paris thing is it's like um why why's it gonna be worse but go ahead oh okay no no of course um the kyle rittenhouse right yeah when he was shooting people and then the guy was well the person was running a hay or whatever it is i somebody articulated that where you could imagine a scenario where so kyle rittenhouse thinks he's defending himself yeah but then the person attacking him thinks that he is stopping a a mass shooting sure so it's like they're both confused as to what's going on in the moment and that that's you know that would that was which is why he's innocent well i don't know any i don't know i don't know what i'm saying about the fantasy getting a little you're like sure what if this is a guy that's just like out there to protect yeah you could end up just goldberg spearing just a different arab you've got terrorist attack just attacking this whale on an arab man in this there they have aks you know there there's no there's no really true you're sneaking up from behind no how are you stopping an arab gentleman or a white supremacist you're saying if you were i i'm in 30th street station if you were in paris you would have stopped it that's what you're saying no i don't know i have a blade would have just hit your neck and broke and you're like no we all know listen you [ __ ] terrorists now you pissed me off i was gonna take it easy on you so who do you think would win isis or the kkk that's a great question i have no it depends on how many and i guess it's very well i'll say four on four four on four you pick the scenario though are is kkk wearing their robes yeah but they got the hoods down the hoods are down so they're not oh i like that i like the way that looks yeah hoes are down it really depends on it's like what weapons are they mason just yeah not the spray but literally medieval yeah yeah i guess there's just weapons on the ground and it's like dodgeball you got to run and grab one in the middle and then start yeah okay uh depends on who's got better training bjj training i suppose something like that that yeah i don't know do they do mixed martial arts in the uh do i mean do rednecks do you know i think they do okay some of them yeah but also those dudes in the taliban they might be up there doing some combat they're like like greco-roman wrestling yeah they like definitely biblical wrestling for yeah exactly yeah definitely i think the taliban sent a message to joe biden recently yeah it was like yo we're chill yo knock it the [ __ ] yeah basically like [ __ ] off dude i think he basically i think they called him out being like yo [ __ ] off get out of my face how do you feel about you pretty stoked on biden back to normalcy you voted for him right i did vote for him yeah yeah really how you've been feeling about his performance so far i have been paying attention yeah yeah i i decided to not pay attention anymore nice just just get the vote in there yeah well because turn off yeah nice so seems like a good political strategy [Laughter] zero accountability that's what i like true democrats yeah my side won and now we're done talking about it well the good guys are in so we don't even have to worry about it i'm not saying i'm an angel i'm true i know you're not you're dirty boy you're not an angel you're a dirty boy you're different you're just part of the fantasy hold on i'm no angel yes sorry sorry babe can we talk for one second no we can't we cannot not yet all right but you told me something that happened a long time ago a different experience but i wanted to talk about it slightly it was a very long time ago just dirty talking yeah and i was wondering what type of things you would say oh no but this was a long time ago i mean come on i mean [Laughter] this is not something that happened recently this is happening this happened years ago now you said no all right i won't i won't because i don't want to ruin anything for you yeah legitimately but if shane were oh you you you come on you wouldn't do it if shane were too i don't dirty talk what would you tell him to say if say he was yeah let's say i was laying down you were fingering me okay what would you what type of thing would you tell me nice dick [Music] nice dick pretend i'm a lady yeah you pretend i'm a lady with a nice [ __ ] okay what would you say terry honorary no what type of things what i don't know kirby's would yeah what would you say uh i mean it really depends i'd have to size up what you you know there's a lot of like just tell me what you said dirty don't no no no just tell everybody the type of things you were saying no i was saying no that's i will address that at some point but you know i we we had a pre thing because see this is the if you cuz if you can't if you this was the idea of a pre-podcast discussion to not bring this up because i didn't understand if i was listening to this podcast i would be like just say it right sure because now i did put you in a bad spot and i apologize german didn't really specifically ask but it was kind of a known thing don't bring this up but that being said i was bringing up something that happened years ago really yeah he told me one time he talked to dirty years ago and he was and i was like i've always been a dirty talker what type of things do you say it depends on the woman okay what anyone just pick one that you remember that a woman a woman who was a terrorist but you saved her she saw her wicked ways and was like oh man i gotta stay with this guy then but she's still loved she still wants to kind of murder all the jews and get them out of the way all the jews she still does but she also loves you guys yeah she's also she also loves you because you saved her from that bomb yeah they were blown they had a fake lunch truck but it was a bomb yeah and you were like bam get down you carried her off and just exploded over your back you were carrying her like like a almost like a baby like this but then your thumb just slid right up and it penetrated and then she went oh and then you look down and you're like do you like that and then then you get into it and she's like and you keep going what type of thing would you do well i would i mean this maybe comes to shock here politics doesn't make it into my dirty talk i mean no no i'm saying while you're fingering a woman what type of thing would you say just in general just talk about i would talk about what it sounded like i would talk about what it felt like do you talk about the sound that the vagina was oh yeah and i say that i love it because i do what type of sound does it make why what type of sound does it make no i just said do you hear that oh you said do you hear that that's sexy oh that's pretty good nice man it's not as funny as i thought it you said yeah all right it's pretty hot listen to your [ __ ] you see listen i'm making a [ __ ] whistle right now [ __ ] oh so wet i want to punch your [ __ ] yeah i'm gonna [ __ ] do you ever start getting mean i haven't i haven't have you thought about it you don't like my posture uh yeah i i haven't but i you know that is something that i would be very interested in exploring with the right partner true because they have you being a dom yes yes dude going back to the terrorists you rescued yes at what point would you like say you say you picked up on the fact that she did like some like light [ __ ] torture [ __ ] punishment yes would you what is that just some slaps oh to herself yeah just slapping her would you you would slap her she was of course yeah yeah i mean but you're a dom so she's not gonna go she's sub so she's not gonna go ahead and ask for it so how are you gonna figure out that she wants you to just absolutely spank her vagina oh i got [ __ ] yeah yeah i would start with like asking i'd be like tell me what you like and then if she if she was like you know she's shy i'm a sub dude i'm just like yeah and then you just slowly start to do things so you know you test the water with a little hand on the throat and then she'll let you know if she enjoys it he looked right at my hands he had a hand joke he's just super into the disabled i would never make fun of your hands you could make fun of are you kidding me you could make fun of my hands all you want all right fine yeah going forward i'll consider it damn it's so hot dude you with like i'm just picturing like the call of duty but don't i mean it's like if she just shoving those [ __ ] scraggle claws in there there's mitts getting in you it's it's unfortunate i would like to have two usable fingers i don't you have one so this is how you finger yeah now you don't want to toss the other gang again no you don't you don't want to no no you want to go just one finger all the time so then when you bust out the d yeah she's like oh two fingers is like one and a half fingers yeah easy two is like yeah we're pushing it yes pushing in the limit yeah three you better call your boy yeah better call one of your boys to come double pen you got a hog oh yeah no i do know he does i have an unfortunate penis i it's uh it's not what i you know why is it always gonna be sex with you oh you're sick [ __ ] then why is it always good you're sick it's just every time we have them on it's like [ __ ] this and come that it's like [Laughter] [Music] so nice to have you i know it's nice to have you back i saw that what that was in case nobody has seen it before billy and it's on youtube but it's so funny yeah and it's fun because when they when i heard about it i had to look it up and i expected this like massive flinch and it's literally shane just go up like this yeah and then everybody die and laugh well that's cause i'm surrounded by jackals yeah it's great hyenas that love to see me that's why i'm not paintballing what i can't paint people you have to dude hey i'm gonna go out and paintball with the jackals get a cup all the hyenas get a cop dude i didn't even think about getting shot in the dick i didn't know but now that you mention it i'm definitely not going i'll be shot in the dick dude i can't you get a cop lay on your or just lay on your belly and snipe i can't i can't do this dude man you hey you must be gonna [ __ ] do it buddy you'll have so much fun i do you understand how unfun this is gonna be oh it's gonna be a blast all of our [ __ ] friends know that i don't want to do it they all know how funny it would be to shoot me the whole time and that and then that puts me in a position where i'm like i don't even care you guys are [ __ ] have you seen splatter combat before no you've never seen splatter combat no dude i've been there before brother i've been i've been in splatter combat you get so fogged up people aren't going to be able to tell who you are no one's going to be able to differentiate there's like a small course with like inflatable things that you run around uh i think it's if it's the one i'm thinking of it's got some like wooden structures a couple open fields with like trenches and [ __ ] is sick actually i like that i'm a big trench warfare guy pretty tight anywhere i'm nice and stationary i'm all right with this yeah this the one if it's the same place i'm thinking of there's one they're not like dug out but they're like these hills that kind of go like this so you're just like in a hill you pop up dude it's pretty fun okay there's like you can take them you could take a fort you can just like chill by a window just [ __ ] light people up it's [ __ ] so fun you get hit and it stings but the only thing you gotta watch out for is friendly fire that's all right i might get a pat tillman jersey and wear it i might wear it out there because i guarantee i'm going to get if we're all on the same team there's no doubt no no you'll shoot i would never do it you will in a second brother i've been shot before brother you would have turned on me no dude i know i would turn on anything my cousin [ __ ] put it like i point blank to my ass dude at paintball and i'll never do that to someone i would do this to anybody else what would be done to me i would do to anybody else i'm just not i mama didn't raise no fool i'm not gonna go out there and put myself in a position to be clowned upon and then have to go back to the house if our whole team turns on each other on itself of course it will yeah everyone else of course it will our whole team will do that no way dude we're going to be tight as hell no we're going to be tight dude little band of brothers we'll be a band of brothers i don't think so i think we'll be able to if we go up against one of other people it's going to be so funny if we go up against another group we will fight them i will say dude there's enough guys in our group that are true psychos dude i just heard a story about i won't say who but one of my cousins uh someone told me a story about the time he he tried to like steal pizza from dominoes and he was he was just drunk he was blacked out and it was so [ __ ] funny he was at a party at uh at his college and like you know a bunch of other people were there and they were they didn't realize he was so drunk so they ordered like four pizzas and he was like i'm gonna go get them so he just like walked over there all [ __ ] up and it was him and some other dude and they walked in and uh the guy was like that'll be you know 60 whatever and like he didn't realize but my cousin had brought in a huge [ __ ] glob of snow the guy asked for the money my cousin threw snow in his face it took them like four pizzas ran outside and just slid on the ice it was he was he was just out he was just laying there on his side with pizza no one ever got the pizzas they just fell and they were all over the sidewalk and the guy came out like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] my cousin got up and he's like i'll [ __ ] kill you the guy was like just get out of here that sketch is going to be fighting by your side who's going to be on my team yeah dude and having your back i made the mistake of telling everyone how much i didn't feel like doing this so the only thing that's going to happen is people going to try to make me have a worse time i understand the exact situation dude because i would be delighted to do this to somebody it's all in your head dude it's not i went and assembled it dude i had to assemble a team i am kind of like a demo guy just buy it just buy like 20 paintings i get like a thick cigar short cigar hanging out there's blast yeah i don't know i i'll it's a game time decision for me whatever you've experienced now i have also considered the other option which is staying at the house by myself nice arguably the gayest thing i could do that's the fattest move that kid at camp fattest movie it is the fattest move let's go to the beach now i'm going to stay here yeah so i'm starting it's tough i'm torn here but then again the other fattest move you're talking about going to the place of this just chilling out the hell oh you're talking about showing at the house like oh i wouldn't even go yes you're like we're going paintballing typically i'd be like that sounds gay i can't think of anything i'd rather do less paintball and fight with your brothers dude i'm not gonna fight alongside my brothers i'm gonna be friendly fired upon no you're not you're gonna be the general in the back dude you're gonna make this i mean i do have some west point training i'm the only one that is an actual trained officer but we [ __ ] need your strategy i'm having a fantasy right now yeah shane and i like being in cahoots so that like i'm there sniping i've got his back is there anybody that friendly fires on you i shoot them i would throw you to them you know harvey i would take any deal i would say take him i'd go for the illegal head shot for sure if i found your sniper i'm going for the illegal headshot well that's the last time i ever tried to defend you man if it you know no i'm just being truthful with you i would if if you were the one defending me again would you shine your mirror and give away his location oh i would literally i'd throw him on the ground i'd throw him out of the trench i throw him over the top you wouldn't even know where i was until the first shot because i you know she's west [Laughter] your eyes you're just fogged up the entire time no i will say shooting beezer is gonna be so [ __ ] funny yeah dude it'll be fun there's a lot of guys that would be very funny to friendly fire yeah and i'm definitely number one on the list because i'll definitely be like this sucks i told you this is gonna suck they keep getting chilled like you guys knock it off you're being gay i don't even care dude red face i don't even care just flipping your mask enough yeah i'm already fuming today i'm [ __ ] up i'm [ __ ] up human already i'd cry i may i would cry if you hit yeah it just stings it doesn't hurt that bad no people were doing that and like everybody laughing and just shooting me dude there was a couple i couldn't get them to stop i got it this was the enemy obviously i only i only friendly fired i'll be honest i finally fired i was on like a cyo trip i finally fired like three times me and my cousin you're exactly right you let people go on this story you're so funny i know who i'm with your chances of hitting your chances of hitting them are very [ __ ] low the paintball's shooting they like curve yeah so dude i would sit there and feel like some dude's dead for my church this [ __ ] pepper in the back and you're just [ __ ] in the brush dude they don't even know where i'm from so if you're a psychopath yeah just some dude there's like a like a sixth grade basketball coach you're just like flap yeah dude that's worth benching me that's for six man yeah and then and then we'll just all go back to a cabin and just with like nine dudes sit there that's gonna be so fun it's gonna be so fun yeah dude um dude i cannot wait i mean i'm gonna get you some paint grenades dude imagine tossing someone that's the last thing you want to do i will literally walk bar i'll friendly fire a whole [ __ ] team if you guys want to shoot if they want to play games oh i want to go get i want i want to rent the most souped-up crazy thing like automatically i'm going to get a [ __ ] up setup i'm going to drop like 500 on paintball i have if i do it i have yeah i have no problem i will spend a thousand dollars to get the hardest [ __ ] [ __ ] possible and just way long people i've thought about like seeing if i could rent something like really [ __ ] up from dicks just having like an extra feeder and it's bringing so many paintballs yeah so i'm gonna have a lot of ammunition that's that's the struggle when you're out there the ammunition dries up and you start being like yeah i gotta pick my shots you're down you're down on that fox hole and you're like ah [ __ ] should get up um go pro put it on patreon i'm definitely not going i do have two gopros in my trunk right now [Laughter] you don't want them to get fired on i don't need the last thing you guys want is body cams hands up not resisting oh [ __ ] after whatever you get shot three times two pay grenades fall there's gonna be a riot when i get back to the house there's gonna be some protests if i get oh yeah there i will protest hard as far [Laughter] i'm the bachelor party i'm i'm fuming [ __ ] dude you might go full antifa [Laughter] we'll see just get like just go by after this go buy like black block anti-fog here and just [ __ ] stop fascism i'm i'm thinking about stopping fascism just you should try my bad girvin you you like anti-fun don't you no what you're like a guy that's like well i like gritty i know what you like gritty the philadelphia flyers mascot you think he's a good symbol for beating up nazis i don't what i don't wanna i i don't when have i ever said i like gritty he's assuming i do assume when have i ever said him you've been having sex lately you said it like an anti-fat person antifa that's right yeah you call it i'm not like antifa have you ever put on the gear went out there of course not what just i just want to know just curious what what nothing certain topics we're not going to touch topics no no we can't oh are we talking gear yeah kind of look have you had fun with with the filming of the sketches it's been so much fun we filmed seven seven sketches you guys acting chops i i knew they were going to be good really yes that was a risk because they were like do we have anybody that could look like very young yeah he's like i got a guy if he shaves his mustache he'll look 12. did you shave your mustache yeah whoa i think we kind of look similar who you and gardenia yeah and i mean that you're both like white males oh okay what do you think he said that you guys looked the same no i said we looked i'll take that yeah we look the same maybe we're related that's what's up yeah um i'll tell you what gardenia i knew gardening was going to be good call me a jew like that [Laughter] gardening great job sean did you really i'm excited to see it yeah it was great uh gerby's feet just dude how funny was that during that one the one sketch we can't even talk about so secretive a lot of secrets but just feeding girvin lines gervin just a machine you just have to say one word and he would just go so much fun yeah and uh you know i was saying coming out i was really you know in the depression thing and then uh john and shane asked me to like go and just you know bat around some ideas yeah that was the first time i had laughed like that in a year yeah really and i don't mean to put pressure on you because if you if you weren't funny i'd still want to be your friend but like man i mean i was crying within like two minutes of being in the room with him i'm crying yeah it was just so nice and all this week i mean it's i can't thank you enough gets so tiring it's time he's doing crazy shane's doing that's pretty nice actually an enormous amount well it's uh john especially honestly but john's doing it i feel like his head's gonna explode he's gonna spaz shortly he's human yeah john's gonna be in like about to cry frustrated mode for like a month yeah he's gonna be fuming dude dude i edit like 10 minute videos that's just my face and i'm like hey my [ __ ] thing we should get it i i was thinking about trying to tie all that together this organizing all that i was just like yeah you said he said he starts dreaming in editing does he like after he's been editing for a while like all his dreams are like edited i don't know sounds sounds lame but it's important i can see that because that's the best it's immersive dude when you're there and you're chopping all the clips and you're doing all that stuff it's like it's pretty not too it's a total flow state it's like when you see tetris blocks when you close your eyes after you play it yeah or like call of duty yep or porn sometimes sometimes i get the porn chess what are we you don't get chess moves in your head after you've never played chess yeah oh i play checkers dude this is a checkers house yeah i play chess and i just take the board by force as soon as i start to lose i just grip up my opponent play with the pieces i'm like this piece looks cool you play with the horse piece i play chess like yeah i just take it and i just push the other piece over you can't move and i'm like my [ __ ] rules star wars chess yeah it's like they're going to fight but yeah you guys are killing it john i mean yeah yeah it'll be fun i'm excited to see how it comes out and a lot of [ __ ] a lot of come talk perfect that's what the country needs right now this country needs to get drenched that's what i was saying like the so the first night i tried to think of ideas they were all just political yeah and then john sent me an idea that had nothing to do with politics i was laughing and i was like all right so in my head i'm like steve you know give them some other looks that aren't political and for 24 hours i was just trying to think of like silly ideas and that was so i was like a weight lifted off yeah you know yeah not doing anything political is extremely healthy i think there's going to be a huge amount of people that just want comedy like this you guys were talking about like broski comedy like where's anything like that the bros have gone dude the bros are in the darkness what do you think yeah the brothers are having a tough time dude they're in hiding for sure yeah i was thinking about the girls today too i was like driving and i was like dude dude like is anyone even getting [ __ ] anymore like yeah what are girls even looking for now you know what i mean yeah just walking around ew what was that it was right it was a hunger what is this well because coffee stays my teeth where'd you cop that rubber straw i ordered it off of amazon damn in the darkness with a shaved head that was part of your suicide kit getting it strong that was part of the suicide kit he's going to hook himself to his house we're going to start turning things around he had that thing hooked to his exhaust pipe and he was like i'll write some sketches yeah i wouldn't i'm not i'm the same way i'm definitely not going to kill myself but there's times i just get so confused about like i don't even know what i'm doing i'm like yeah just fall out the [ __ ] window yeah and i feel i'm sorry go ahead die that was i died that was it yeah i feel like what possible [ __ ] impact am i gonna have and um you know part of me i'm just fine you're fine i didn't get it out what was it nothing we're here it wouldn't be comedy [ __ ] girl you're the best so he wants me to be a bully he does the same thing o'connor does there's something he goads you they try they're saying they're probably wow never saw that movie they like constantly like what no that's what are you gonna say they're brats that's brad correct oh my god breakfast subs are just quiet brats are kind of like they're edgy subs they're gonna goad you and into like fully doming them in ways that you don't even wanna do yeah but they're gonna goad you being a connor [Music] you guys like it i don't like it oh wow i hate it you gotta i wish we could just be regular friends wow that's a weird no it's always gonna be this whole like this what what were you thinking incredible i had to fight the [ __ ] out of chris yesterday we beefed really yeah correct connor would be that's all man that's like when the fuming started what happened me and him just had an argument what are you beefing on if i even talk about it yeah but it's very silly what did the call start out as that's always my favorite thing this was in person we were in the with the beezer just me and the skis we're just sitting there watching the philippines ski lodge was in the ski lodge yeah and i brought it up out of nowhere yeah that a previous argument that he and i had had out of nowhere i was like six listen to this [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] and as soon as i brought i mean i was just [ __ ] around like it was fun and then uh it ended up in like a screaming match i'll tell you the argument and this is can you guys do that i'm gonna go get a tissue sure sure chris is going to be represented poorly in this sure his argument would be that this is not true just so we're clear on that this is how i saw it so for a while now i've told chris this great bit i have yeah that i'll never use on stage and never film it's just a funny thing yeah that if aliens landed and then we talked to them and it turns out they only came here to take black people as slaves and we were all like you talked about on the cast yes talked about on the podcast it all just leads to trump talking to black people and be like you're going to space yeah i said don't take the blacks they're taking the blacks yeah that so then when we were driving back from indianapolis like two three weeks ago chris was like yo i just thought of this this is funny what if aliens landed and like we met them and they had slaves yeah and i was like yeah that's like the thing i've i told you like 10 times right yeah it's like you know that's like the thing he's like no no no this is they have them they're not like coming down to get them yeah and i was like yeah that's the same thing it's like that's essentially the exact assumption is they're taking black people as slaves and not just a party with them no i've made it clear okay the bit the cl the bit was clear that it was in enforce slavery should we and and that we would be like damn you guys use select yeah like that okay i got you that's been implied sure and probably stated anyway so that was the beginning of the argument chris presented his i said you know i've said that to you like six times this wasn't like you're stealing a bit because i've never used it we're not gonna use it sure you know what i mean he wasn't gonna use it he was just making small talk yeah and uh he wouldn't relent he would say i just think they're totally different yeah i just think they're structurally very different and i was like how yeah so that was an argument for about an hour on the ride on the ride so then we get so then yesterday we're just sitting there and i was like six six who by the way was in the car for the first hour sure just not paying attention he's playing i was like dude listen to how dumb this is and then it started an actual fight damn yeah if you guys made up yeah he tried calling last night twice that was his i assumed that was an apology decline you declined it declined you haven't made up one that was him saying something he was human well i was in the car with uh rainy and butterly i didn't want to be on speaker crying yeah having a phone fight yeah true you know you guys got it but that's what that that was the fuming got you that started you few minutes i mean that and then it just went right into another drama that i'm dealing with then it went into you know yeah a bunch of stuff then i get home i drive i do two shows in new york come back do go to sleep and the lady i've been sleeping with is a [ __ ] nightmare yeah she fights me at night it's pretty hot she rips the covers off me and i woke up freezing she screams in the middle of the night awesome she's out of her mind she's waking up sweating gripping dog tags yes nice something happened to her she's born identity dude something happened something terrible happened we haven't gotten there yet but something terrible yeah the other day i woke her up did i say this on here no i woke her up we watched a movie and she fell asleep and i like woke her up on the couch and i was like wake up and she was like dude it was the scariest yeah moment of it it was so scary yeah brittany's like a slime she's she's a time bomb when she sleeps sorry she's a time bomb if i come in i'm like because if i'm if i'm loud it's just like if i'm quiet then it's like i'm sneaking up on her now and it's like true if i come up while she's sleeping and she hears me it's just like what's going on it's just like oh my god what is sleep they're girls they're they're dogs they're [ __ ] weaker than everybody they're scared all the time how do you wake up well so this is that's an unfortunate comment that i gotta jump on the back because like i'm the one who wakes up yelling and screaming really yeah apparently i sleep talk yeah i swear to talk i'll chat oh i apparently yell i'm like because the shelves are and then uh it is a weird conversation you have to have like putting on the sleep apnea mass like by the way sometimes i scream bloody murder my sleep and you have a sleep apnea yeah yeah you know that i forgot somehow yeah somehow i forgot that incredible detail yeah i got a fat neck that's nice yeah do you ever think about like tricking out that mask no point like stickers and stuff stickers like flames put like a long wig on it that comes down to your shoulders you should just get a fighter pilot helmet that's basically what it is yeah that'd be pretty sick that'd be awesome this one is just a nasal cushion though so it's like not that invasive so it's just you're just on your nose i think i need it i mean obviously you can look at me and say yeah but like i think i need it anyway because there's been times where i've woken up like yeah like holy [ __ ] was that not breathing yeah yeah just get the test well i'm not gonna ever do that i'm just gonna die in my sleep which does gonna fall asleep while driving and go off a guardrail yeah well that's not that has nothing to do with sleep apnea oh yeah oh yeah what do you mean if your sleep apnea gets so bad you'll eventually start going into what's called micro sleeps you'll just be like and you'll notice it and then eventually you just go that was a guy i was telling you about who was on an excavator he had sleep apnea and he just drove it into a foundation really he just i didn't know that had anything to do with sleep apnea eventually you'll get so tired from school because you're asleep because you're slowly sleep depriving yourself but when you sleep deprive yourself you don't realize you're sleep deprived if you're doing like little by little and then you're just like man i'm tired and then you'll just go and pass out one day wow yeah pretty tight if i smoke weed too every day before going like if i smoke weed like right before i go to bed i get i like wake up and those kind of like yeah i don't know what the [ __ ] it is about it it's weird hmm joey diaz says the same thing he said he smokes weed too early spasms or two right before bedtime it's like you wake up and you're like there's a feeling i know if i like lay down kind of still stoned i'm like i gotta stay i gotta stay up and watch youtube videos for an hour and then i'll go to sleep pretty weird yeah but do you ever think about getting a hiss in here isn't it is it hers i just put it on no just put it on no but uh it'd be hot has a woman been staying with you lately uh it's very early stages so there was just there was just one uh one day one date yeah and now date number two hopefully hopefully yeah nice yeah yeah we we had dated before gotcha so small flame yes yeah so that's the best reuniting with an old it's really it really is great it's nice because there's like a degree of comfort ability but then also what have you learned what about myself no i learned that i love you i love languages what what's your love language uh quality time nice quality time yeah and [ __ ] [ __ ] is that part of quality no it's not even one it should be like six what so what do you mean what's a love language uh it's it's like the way you show different people show affection and receive affection in different ways so some people are helpers your love language might be helping i don't think mine's anything no it could be the way i mean the idea there is that some people like fighting fight and i were in a relationship and the way that i expressed love was through acts of service so like i would clean the kitchen walk the dogs but that to him it's just not a big deal so i'm doing what i think he should really appreciate and he's just like ah because he needs quality time he wants to sit on the couch and talk or he wants me to cuddle him or something that's touch yep so that's the general idea i hate touch or diddle yeah i do hate touch diddling's my love language yeah all right that's fair i think i think that might be mine just a little grabbing ass constantly groping yeah that's almost it that's all i don't know if i do anything else gardenia can you look at you look at the love languages so we get a comprehensive uh list but i think it is that it's quality time so i think my language my love language is accessible verbal affirmation i can do i say damn [ __ ] you fine as hell there you go fat ass [ __ ] [ __ ] that's good yeah i don't talk that way have you ever thought have you ever thought of code switching urban during like dirty talk like code switching like yeah suck that dick white [ __ ] white [ __ ] nah like just just mixing it up it's like a little role play nothing racial just like just it's like purely a king thing what do you oh i mean you mean like oh girl oh oh oh oh oh i speak like that like what you do damn i [ __ ] damn huh yeah you got lost up in here what are you doing around these are pretty much lost in the hood no i like it though i like the sound of that it's so funny that was although i've got a sweet baby here and she's in the hood right now god forbid she goes outside and gets lost although i doubt it would be very much uh i love porn it'll be poppy no she's we're in poppy land right true they would treat her right yeah a lot of whistles nice poppy would treat her right obviously treat her right feed her i might have to give her to poppy we might release her we might have to just present babes to poppy dude it's like pop you'll pop your pop bother this woman for a decade harass this woman for us yeah poppy land rules dude you found the love languages yeah you got the love languages there's five what are they words of affirmation quality time receiving gifts acts of service and physical touch there you go six [ __ ] [ __ ] damn i think i'm [ __ ] up now what do you think i don't think i have many of those love languages well how would you like for people what what would you like to receive oh it's things i want to receive is that what they're going to do or things you want to respect as soon as i do i don't really do much what uh where's total obedience yeah complete belief in me and submission and but you know don't talk and touch me true it's not bad yes that's pretty don't cause a [ __ ] scene yeah true you cause a scene i'm grabbing the back of your arm yeah oh you want touch that's how you get it true i guess the last part of the scene i said [ __ ] what are you doing yeah conscientiousness do you ever get physical with women no uh conscientiousness i find to be a very attractive quality conscientious yeah like somebody that would like be good like walking in meeting people that is is like concerned about somebody else yeah that nothing drives me more nuts when someone is not that yeah i mean we had one one friend brought a lady to hang out with us one of the least conscientious things i've ever seen in my life what happened she was new to the group he brought his girlfriend she came in we all were like what do you do how are you like everybody made an effort everyone's trying to ask questions no nothing reciprocated at all just answered like this is what i do this is where i live it was yeah i was it would be very unattractive really instantly human just like [ __ ] ask somebody else a question should have brat corrected her there's people who it's just not obvious how to handle those situations there's people who are just completely socially illiterate yeah i would say i fall on like the 40th percentile of social literacy or i'll just i'll just run out of [ __ ] to say and be like yeah but if someone if you were new i just panic immediately i i hear you but if you were new at a party if you walked into a party and people were asking you questions oh yeah i just did this you'd be like well what do you do like you would say it back there was an old lady who was like what do you do and i was like i i do i'm a comedian she was like what uh oh my god what was your podcast about and i was like we had just recorded the episode about murdering women yeah yeah so i'm gonna listen on our way back and i was just like yeah don't yeah so sweet old lady but yeah i usually i'll have that talk and then i'll be like well you know then i'll realize i'm talking about myself for like 10 minutes and like [ __ ] i haven't asked them anything about themself and i'm like what are you doing they'll start to talk about i'm like oh yeah well anyway i'm more important have to go soon but uh maybe next time because i i didn't want to talk because i just moved out like out of the city yeah and i did have some pretty like i don't know crazy experience with the squatter i don't know if it's funny or not but it was kind of interesting there was a squatter across from me you [ __ ] them why are you assuming gender do you want to get into all this boy there's a female spotter yeah i'm fine oh okay you just watch yeah well she had then then she had like uh okay i got 10 minutes uh then she had guys just like coming coming in the place oh so this was before how many uh there was there was three other dudes i just want to see if you counted she was lost in the house there was one guy no she was not she let me know that because basically there was one guy we we heard a commotion going on and um me and my cousin you and your cousin yeah so you heard a commotion there was some roughhousing going on across the street yeah and you [ __ ] yep well no i fired up the security camera yes and uh going on out there yeah gerbies gentrified a neighborhood and and in the neighborhood the neighborhood had their way with kirby's got lost to the hood you know that shooting that happened in brewery town that was my neighbors i like damn yeah [ __ ] man so anyway we hear this commotion she is ripping this piece of plywood off the front door hot and so i'm like uh and then in the morning i didn't see anybody there so i was like fine but then they're just like coming and going so i'm talking her what's that they're [ __ ] her they're having sexual intercourse bringing her drugs and [ __ ] her yeah she's just a wizard welled up in a shell or whatever is going on my queen so i present her gifts from the east uh i call the police lay with her you call the police on her yeah steve you didn't go see what's good with her no is that steve didn't learn one thing from this summer and the protests you don't just call the police on women of color first of all that was before george floyd but wow so why would you say that you just sent her in a totally different porn now there's two cops and she's in like a [ __ ] up house first of all the cops were incredibly professional one [ __ ] one was almost an identical like brian six if he had been like yo it's garvin it's me was he was the girl hot not conventionally no no you had a thing you liked it a little you liked it you liked knowing what was going on you missed yourself that was me not wanting to sanitize at all about the woman in the house what did you fantasize at all about the woman in the house no you never thought about it oh my god like a scenario where you're like what what the hell is going on over whoa your network of just security footage just yeah did you ever see sliver sliver there's no [ __ ] in my neighborhood i'm gonna call it authorities squatters are an actual problem they could cause house fires and i had neighbors so anyway i called the police and my neighbor she was talking like through the cracker door like i've been trying to get them you know i've been 3-1-1 i've called sushi you're not in the suburbs anymore you're still in philly yeah well at the time yeah uh oh this is back then yeah yeah you so um like my neighbor had one of them gone they had just been coming in and out of the back you just got a kid yeah you know what it's just like oh the lady had a kid wait your neighbor had a camera no my neighbor and uh took that baby so then so they they told her you know you gotta go i mean it is dangerous to have a squatter in a house oh you you i mean you know i i would if i'd be i wouldn't want someone where should they live just kick them out i'm not i'm not saying that we don't need better public housing type of thing voted for biden yeah i'm just saying there's a democrat over here well i don't like handouts nobody wants it nobody wants to do the tough thing but it's like those i voted stickers should just say i called the cops yes also anyway i got appreciated from my neighbors tiger woods donald trump up take the hat off if you don't respect it what do you have respect don't respect [ __ ] and donald trump take that tiger wood first of all no nonstop tiger woods would have [ __ ] that lady in the house would have absolutely tiger would probably put her there dude she was probably stuck dude yeah you should probably start she could have been stuck in there they probably they spaced the studs 16 inches you probably tried to pass through the walls and got stuck dude so she was coming and going and she pleased somebody probably freed her and so i was stuck yeah they come and they put up more plywood and then uh then the next morning i'm going out to get the paper and i i opened the door and she's sitting out there and she's like are you the one that called the police on me that was an easy call for her that was so easy she was like that guy called the cops for sure did you own up to it it sure did i was like yes and uh i couldn't believe this he told me this before i couldn't believe you my neighbors had their screen like i literally see screen doors starting to crack like up and down the block yeah dude so it's like this was an important thing for me to own up to even though i knew that other neighbors wanted her gone i took full responsibility so she was like why would you do that he was a buck captain i'm not but i should work out i should have been i should have been yeah i picked up trash i i i did the whole yeah but uh anyway so then so we got into a little bit of a you know she was like why would you do that i was like it's it's it's an abandoned house there's it's not safe you know there's and then she was like we've got electricity in there and i'm like i i don't know what to tell you and then she you know she was like i'm a battered woman and i was like i have to call the police now because you told me that well are you a mandated reporter i did you call the police again on her you were like oh you've had it tough i'm gonna have to call the and i know i'm going to come off very callous she's manipulating me that was not the case she was not battered did you test her how how would you test you go like that yeah oh my god you don't know i regret telling story i look like a bad person you really do in fact you tested her when you told me at the first time i hated you for it why you just want to you just want somebody squat next to you and and family i would literally never ever even think about it i would have seduced her and brought her into my house yeah what a pretty woman beauty and the beast dude that's how you get it's how you get out of the castle animals it's how you get i mean mice it's it trash the whole thing you get cd characters coming in then you what so you're going to go out and they have like drug people coming in and out at whatever time in the morning it's you can't have it can't do it sorry true you shut it down just can't do it i'm saying you could have gotten ahead so you called the police owner twice yeah what was the second call about this like i'm calling this lady who's getting her ass kicked yeah and then this lady came out and uh she was like sir you know i can tell you're new to the neighborhood you're just gonna have to like accept some things and she was like she's saying that she's been here for a long time and i was like officer what who told you that the the new cop that came out and i was like officer she she hasn't been here it's been boarded up yeah you know and then the lady started screaming at me and she's like she was you know a little unstable so then the officer was like uh i got it now i understand what's going on what would the neighbors say were they were they like a little high-fiving you were they just like man this [ __ ] i've had a good relationship with them we didn't talk about it but it wasn't like i got shunned or anything and how is the sexual tension between you and your neighbor she she's well my older neighbors are older ladies yeah that's all right don't be anxious to come up yeah this is well yeah yeah i don't even you're gonna do a thing with it but now i'm coming off like an [ __ ] no no no no no no you did the right thing you snitched twice on that lady you did the right thing nobody thinks you did the wrong thing it was so the guy the guy that flipped out at me i was picking up trash and then he came out he was like let me light my jewelry on your stove and i was like no and then he was like the [ __ ] and then later his twin was the one that killed the k oh my god jesus yeah he's got an evil twin he had an evil twist he had a luigi he had a waluigi dude he had an absolute warrior my hands were shaking i was like i think i have a security camera the killers that has nothing to do with us oh yeah don't tell people that dude tell people what that you're gonna get shot yeah no no i'm not i don't live there anymore dude you're like 20 minutes away yeah yeah that far all right well that's all right you're fine it was me damn i if you heard me if you commit murder i will talk about it kirby's trebek dude yeah he brought him a justice he had to go down even though i was talking to the detective like please don't tell anybody yeah yeah i was like don't tell anybody ever yeah oh definitely don't all right we'll just delete it then we'll we'll block it out yeah well yeah okay i don't think you have to but well if you don't think we have to i don't care yeah steve got shot i mean dude it'd be so funny having the dude behind bars and like hey man check out this podcast that's that [ __ ] right oh yeah yeah maybe you shouldn't i don't know that you know he's gonna get out all right well we had some good times the fantasy's gonna come true it's gonna be him the squatter like you have to shut them down you're gonna have to fight them you know what it is at the end of the day you're trying to help i mean it's just like there's so it's there's just there's like one or two people that wreck it for everybody yeah yeah and they they scare the [ __ ] out of people it's it really sucks i mean neighbors are coming like can i have my packages these kids steal nobody wants to say anything yeah i'm not saying anything but can you just so why should anybody have to live like that yeah it's kind of [ __ ] and the thing that i told shane that does frustrate me is that when you hear like um some of the progressive you know not that i'm anti-progressive but it's like some of the aoc would be like i want i want the police to police the same way that they do in the suburbs it's like in the suburbs none of this would happen somebody would call and be like this guy threatened me and it would be a big deal they sit out there they break glass they know that i pick it up so they just smash it [Laughter] i mean i got to be honest if if you were my neighbor in the suburbs that i knew was going to pick up glass i'd be smashing glass my smashing box man i'm a great neighbor you i would love you you're right you're right i'd be like can i help you with this if you have anything to do but i'm not all up in your business but i'm like you need something you sound like you're helping people they're committing murders and squatting houses i'll give you the murder i think the murderer you did you're a hero you're a hero for that legit hero no you are cause that was that was crazy that that happened nuts yeah i'm sure people remember that too that was like big it was crazy because on reddit they were like why isn't anybody saying something i know somebody noted and i'm like i'm i i didn't say anything she was just like you can't imagine this poor you know yes yeah um you gotta go huh yeah sorry for ending this on such a sour note i i no i do i mean it's an incredibly interesting story oh okay and you shouldn't feel bad okay the squatter one you should but the second one you should be proud i just watch what happens to squatting houses it becomes a nightmare it attracts a bunch of violence yeah it definitely it absolutely does you did what you had to do dude you stood up for your block you did i you guys were sarcastic about that but i did that's here i'm dead serious i'm not being sarcastic i don't like this i wish i could delete that yeah you should have done that all right you're losing your damn mind you're out of your mind it's hot in here it is hot you're the man dude you're battered i love you kevin dude you're the best you've been you've been helping us out so much you've been no not at all dude i'm so honored to be a part of so excited next week these will come out uh are they right i think the first sketch will come out before the next i had a very one i did i had to bury my face and i couldn't let gerby was too funny dude he would have literally turned around he would start talking and i was wearing a jacket that was high up so literally i would like there was some of those i was like say this and as soon as like i i was the one who was like say this as soon as he said it i was just like i'm telling you and then yeah dude was laughing at him and i was like man the keeper's got the giggles and i like chris o'connor's like hey turn around make sure you're looking i was watching gerby deliver his lines and i was like i have to turn around i can't do it dude that's that's really nice to hear that it's all it's the environment that you and john creek i had to work i had to work like as soon as he said i had to work i was just like dude it was so funny it's the environment you and john create i'm so lucky to be a part of it we're lucky to have you yeah it's so much fun you're the environment thank you because i i just i'm so sorry the lady in sherlock there was like uh the first season of sherlock i think did you ever see it bbc oh but she was she played uh this she just did such a good job as this one character she was talking about it she was like as an actor you just sometimes you get so lucky with the right role that you can really bring something to it and and like the stuff that you guys are making i don't know it's just it's awesome so thank you you're talking about sherlock the series yeah but like for me they create this environment where they're like okay play this or do this and then they're so like this to have people because that this is a big thing of the depression like i did not believe in myself at all and any sort of like ability that i would have and then to have people like you or john believe in me when i didn't believe in myself and then we're sitting there and i couldn't get something for one character and he's just like give him a second i think there's more here like it's just so nice so i thank you and i can't wait to do more so yeah yeah [ __ ] yeah i'm excited to see him all right all right you're the man thank you for doing this oh it was so much fun seeing you guys thank you for doing sorry for being a jerk earlier i was human i was fuming forgive me goodbye stephen you're the best bro

Channel: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Views: 49,671

Rating: 4.8583794 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: jWt023KArww

Length: 74min 24sec (4464 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 08 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

I think Gerben not seeing his shadow means covid's over

[u/NumberWangNewton]

Shane seems upset

[u/userlamegayken]

It's the Avatar of Discomfort himself

[u/Choc_Lahar]

My love language: TOTAL OBEDIENCE

[u/Used_Tutor_1010]

GERBIES IN SPACE PT. 2

[u/djo-]

Anyone know what murder Gerbz helped the police out by giving them security footage? Possibly the Temple grad who got shot?

[u/minkmachete]

mrw the new cast drops

[u/bartardmom]

Big michael cera energy

[u/tygamer15]

Why do I like the intro so much?