Enneagram Type 1

start with the one not because it's the first number but because it's Who I am and if you'll allow me then to mock Richard and make fun of myself then you'll hopefully allow me to do it with you and you won't take offense the need the underlying need and I have this in the first book and I don't think I'll change it up is is a compulsive need to feel that I am right it is so constant now remember you all have it we just made an art form out of it right we somehow got the message that if we were right we would be on top of the situation we would be in control we would make this this uncontrollable world just a little bit controllable so we are driven toward moral isms toward righteousness toward arrogance toward absoluteness I am right is what we're always saying and and we work so hard to be right we tried as little boys as I did you know to please my very demanding mother and I'm not blaming her for it I was her favorite but still she was a very demanding eight and I knew the only way I'd keep her love was being a good little right boy and never making any mistakes huh well it worked you know that's why I became her favorite I'm sure the others caused trouble but I didn't know I'm not saying in each case that's going to apply you got it from your parents but say it was a piece of it I think for me not just I am right but I am good it it's take such a moral tone that's why it's crucially important that somewhere in the middle of life's journey a one see that they're not good we almost have to sin we just have and send boldly you know it's no surprise that that came from Martin Luther because Martin Luther was a 1i a classic one every former we're always trying to reform everything starting with ourselves we're picking on ourselves constantly our animal symbol is the barking dog you know we're just barking at ourselves Richard you should work harder Richard you should do it better now it it has some gift form to it we almost always are good teachers because we're searching for the right word to communicate the right idea which we of course have you see oh it's a circular logic we all operate inside them we're perfectionists but really and I want to tell you this in all truth it's only by our own stupid definition of perfection I mean it's so egocentric I'm very sloppy about some things you know then I'll have two or three areas where I want it the way I want it I don't know where it comes from but it gives me untold happiness when it's that way I don't know why it's just when my waste baskets are emptied I was emptying of the resource center yesterday I just it's a better world you know it is so silly and I know it's silly you know and and yeah it's just it's I I can go to bed easier that night I'm only real when I'm making effort mmm when I'm giving it a you were hard workers we are workaholics really ones and threes that are both workaholics uh we've got a heroic self-image a muscular self-image I'm not muscular physically you know but we'll try to find other ways to be muscular whoo I'm a muscular teacher they got to be some way to be strong and heroic and significant huh uh we don't trust any voices that feel soft and sloppy and you know they've got to be self sacrificial voices mm-hmm well we become little cadets you know little seminarians like I did um the the self-image is I am a good boy I am a good girl look at me how good I am and that's what's you see why I said at the beginning of the day you're destroyed by your gift imagine if you really keep trying to maintain that into your 40s 50s and 60s how unreal you're going to become how rigid you're going to become how anal-retentive you're going to become huh the one left to himself or herself is anal retentive huh they're there the old schoolmarm who is just looking around for things to clean up and correct things to make better and make right we're always polishing up the world John the Baptist was probably a 1 uh and and you know I want to say this at the beginning you tend although we've made John the Baptist the patron of our Center the prophet in the desert but you tend not I mean I can see right through John the Baptist if you'll see that in my new book soul brothers where my chapter on John the Baptist oh come on John get off you know you will not tend to like your own number in general because you see it you see it for what it's worth yes you know the game she's playing you know the game he's playing because you've been playing it all your life threes don't like another three on the staff normally because they start competing with one another for the same successes do you see and they know she's being half deceitful right now because that's the way I used to deceive and get away with it and now she's not given I'm going to make sure she doesn't get away with it do you see so we're high-minded we tend to have bright animated faces I hope I do I don't know if we do ordered in tiny spaces you know Abe Lincoln was the one Ralph Nader here he has gone off again you know save the world doesn't matter that it destroyed it last time for some people's judgement you know you just see one all over Ralph Nader's face no they're often angular faces like like John I mean Abe Lincoln too but you see a high morale achievement in someone like Abe Lincoln and some levels in Ralph Nader I guess - at least for the environment but we can be very linear if we have our righteous explanation so a lot of ones are attracted to fundamentalism we're often correcting ourselves inside I know I have no doubt what I'll be doing tonight what will be going through my mind tonight is how I didn't say it right today I gave you the wrong impression on that yeah I'll just be ripping it apart and I don't know how not to do that after the fact we're just critics critics critics critics critics and self-criticism and other criticism and and we're as hard on you as we first are on ourselves so how do we unmask it we got to stop doing it to ourselves now I'm getting much better at that as I get a good older you should listen to my early tapes I don't know why anybody bought them no I'm just terribly barking up the world know which is what we're good at barking dogs my friend calls me Hornets he says you just go after things we're very focused and and anything that keeps us from our focus we tend to resent so it's it's very hard to stop us when we're on a flow therefore what we got to stop doing is being on a flow so we can be interrupted and we can be stopped it's very hard for ones to multitask like women and mothers do so well very hard just if my minds go in this direction don't pull me over there or you'll see a bit of flash in my eyes I mean I've learned how to stop really saying something unkind to you but its immediate instinct inside of you why are you interrupting me don't you know I'm going on this flow you see so if you know that about a1 it'll help you we're just terrible really we're impatient we're worn out by the end of the day by 9:00 I just start fading normally because we remember the whole day has been full-body perceptions of reality non-stop and it's too much I don't know how to react to it I don't know how to fix it I know how to change it I don't know how to make it right and so once in a while will lash out with a strong overstatement which I do on tape too we tend to be into meritocracy about I deserve you deserve if you listen to my tapes I'm always preaching against that why because that's the way I am all my sermons are to myself you know it's all I'm begging like st. Paul was it was another one maybe an eighth I'm not sure but begging for unconditional love begging for justification by faith because that's the one thing on the gut level we cannot believe that you get anything for nothing right I only get it I only deserve it if I work hard if I work damn hard oh and that we deeply resent people who want a free lunch oh god I sound like a Republican you know so is a what makes you think you deserve that my gut wants to say you know you didn't pay your dues yet you didn't work yet you didn't try harder we try harder and you should try harder if the truth is told we don't respect people who don't try hard hmm we don't we have to work at people or don't give a hundred percent we don't respect because we think we give hundred percent in fact we only give a hundred percent in one or two areas where we've decided to be heroic and that's where I got to be honest and and those are you milli Asians that you learn as life goes on shoulds and oughts control our whole life Grace when we fall into grace it's no surprise grace is the title on the title of three of my books because our entire life is a search for grace and when we get it we really get it I think so my stuff I've explained grace very well because when it overwhelms me I could just weep I could just ah the world is finally reconfigured into a beautiful world and I can finally be happy you see I'm not happy the one space I I'm not happy in huh and yet I I maintain it for some reason do you understand this meritocracy tit for tat quid pro quo you only deserve something if you work hard is not a happy world you never live up to your own expectations and no one else is ever allowed to live up to your expectations we're forever fighting the cosmic war against crud you know Ralph Nader there he is it I think it's what led me to involvement with peace and justice people because here are the people who seem to be having my values of trying we have a great love for justice and peace and truth in the world because that's right that's good that's what it should be but just more often than not when I got close to him I was not impressed again the energy was not right the traits were correct say it is the anagram that taught me this the traits were correct they're out there on the picket line but you go home and do a planning meeting with them and they're as violent as anybody else they have to have their way they have to hear it their way and I saw that of myself a lot of peace and justice people are ones who who want the world away they want the world so it gave me at the same time an immense sympathy for them and an immense impatience with them you see and by by reason of my Franciscan vocation and having a chance for an interior life and and Jesus showing himself to me as a young man already I don't mean visually but really I think I experienced the serenity already as a boy I'm sure it's the reason I became a priest that there were moments that were so wonderful so serene so beautiful so so whole so everything with no need to eliminate anything that's why I wrote the book everything belongs I'm sure that already is a four year old boy I experienced that just ecstasy I can still feel myself it must have been three or four looking at the Christmas tree in Kansas and and I thought I was going to float through the ceiling it was just I don't know why it was the Christmas tree but it was a beautiful world and God was in it and I was in it and and it all made sense and that's what you see it's the positive soul experience that you're trying to recreate my soul experience is there is such a thing as a perfect world I know because I tasted it for 30 seconds when I was three years old you understand so I can't forget I know there could be a world where everybody loves everybody and I was in the middle of a very loving home both mom and dad and even my older sister and she wasn't picking on me it was the same there's a safe world so I want I'm going to be emphasizing that are all that the wound doesn't come first and here I think Matthew Fox was absolutely brilliant in re-emphasizing original blessing as preceding original sin in the book here I call it toward the beginning the soul child that that and my soul child would be the seven as a little boy I was just always happy mother said you were so excited all the time you would just squeal with delight you're always squealing with so and she says and you dance and you'd sing and one time she says I told you go out on the back porch and scream if you want to scream because it wasn't an angry scream it was always a happy scream no of course those low shock waves of reality were coming toward me and they were for the most part wonderful it's just a wonderful world and I'm a part of it I was a happy little seven boy and then the wound came I don't know when was that after the Christmas tree I saw but somewhere damn it it isn't a perfect world I and so what I move into is I'm going to find a way to make it perfect right I'm going to find to make it the way I want it and that becomes the one that's my fallenness and now I cannot not be a one it's my strategy it's my life script it's my way of surviving it's been my way getting energy and perceiving the world for so long I cannot change it entirely all I can do is move it toward redemption transformation the true self and what will happen is ever soften I'll taste that happy little boy again and oh it's just it's it it's enough to live for you know it says it's enough to know that perfection is possible and that it's possible enough that I can let go of the imperfection and I don't need to change everybody like I used to and fix everybody and fix the church I know it still sounds like I'm trying to but I really don't need to the way I need it to as a young man it justice is a different space inside so that's just a very quick example another thing that you tend to let go of this is true of the one and the two and I have a lot of to winging me to is in this quid pro quo thinking of the one we tend to be making less and keeping accounts of how much we've given the two does this in an emotional way we do it in a heady way of how much I've given and how much you owe me all right that's right it's been a grace to be a Franciscan on many levels to not to have to work for a salary or money because that isn't even an issue it's never the money thing is eliminated but because most of you don't have that luxury you know we're almost trained in keeping lists do you understand wonder if that wasn't the real meaning of the vowel poverty that didn't have to worry about earning money or making a list I think we've abused it a lot too but but the underlying thing of breaking down meritocracy breaking down worthiness systems breaking down I deserve you oh and I oft that brothers and sisters to all of you because it's not just the one on the two we all do it again we've just made an art form out of it the country is the one that I used in the first book I think I would still use is Switzerland if you've ever been to Switzerland you won't see any trash on the streets I'm in fact I don't think there's any trash in the whole country I I I know it doesn't exist that they build these little these real pretty little boxes that you put all the trash in and then it's all covered up you never see it ah the concern about time who is it that makes watches Swiss art form hmm you got to be on time uber Punk click they call her over punctual yeah you know to be to come in late like a few of you did I should have pointed you out is it it's just unacceptable in Switzerland unacceptable I you a if it says ten o'clock you're there ten o'clock the Mexicans could not survive I don't think could not survive in Switzerland hum and banks I mean this is it any surprise and always you know keeping accounts and keeping them very accurately you're going to see how countries take these compulsions to an art form it's great to be in with Switzerland because they have taken one ish Ness to an art form the story I remember telling on the first tapes twenty years ago but I'll tell it again the first time I taught in Zurich in fact I think I was teaching the anagram this is years ago but it was a Sunday morning we had a break and the streets were deserted and I I walked across the middle of the street we'd call it jaywalking you know but it's really no problem on Sunday you know now on the ends of each block in Switzerland there's very clear markers where you are to walk you want to talk about anal retentiveness alright a man shouted at me from his window nine nine nine anybody and he pointed over you know you walk in the appropriate place this is unbelievable you don't know the church is filled with these people yeah at least it was the old Catholic Church very much appealed to that kind of energy and these were our novice masters and teachers in religious life they were all ones who thought there was something meritorious and salvific about walking inside the lines you know that this pleased God and we took we took culture and made it into salvation which is horrible you know but almost every culture has done it so the country Switzerland barking dog ants little ant work work work you never seen an asset still do you they just keep moving we're ants and we're Hornets we go right toward toward the task but we're mostly barking dogs okay

Channel: Melissa Major-Smith

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Id: hadiA8NB8MI

Length: 20min 21sec (1221 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 13 2016