When you arrive in England, there should
be a bus or train line you can catch from the airport to your hotel. Getting from one side of London to the other should cost you no more than your entire life savings and firstborn child. If possible try not to eat the food. If you really must then your safest bet is
battered swan, chicken pyramid, or tea pie, which is a ฯ with "T" in it. English people split off from their human
ancestors around a million years ago, evolving into Homo Cynicus. The English brain is divided into two hemispheres, the left which produces feelings of
shame and self-loathing, and the right which produces feelings of
shame and self-loathing Please be aware that there are a number of differences between international English and British English. The Chip is called a "Crisp". The Trunk is called a "Boot". And buying over 50 pounds worth of shopping just to mask the fact that where you went into the shop for is condoms is called "Perfectly normal behaviour". Try not to say anything directly to an
English person but imply it instead. For example whereas someone outside of England might remark "This literally tastes like excrement." in England we would usually say "That was
delicious, compliments to the chef." Then returned to the restaurant several days
later and burn it down without warning. Also if you must express romantic feelings, please do it either by text message or smoke signals, as affection was made illegal in 1893. And frankly we're all quite glad about that. English families are among some of the
most sophisticated in the world. At the age of 18, the oldest male child of the family is expected to fight his father to the death
to gain control of the household. It is permitted to use siblings and
family pets as weaponry If there's one thing we do well, it's the
naming of our towns and cities. And upon visiting England, you would be
silly to miss such idyllic spots as Grimsby, Skegness and Little Arsintgon. English people socialize in a number of
creative ways. Mondays through Thursdays,
we usually joust on horses, or British jumbo cats. Friday's we drink port, and look very intensely of pictures of award-winning film and theatre actress Rachel Weisz Saturdays is for publicly executing people who don't say thank you when you
hold the door open for them. And sundays is for walking our dogs or looking at more pictures of award-winning film
and theatre actress Rachel Wei-- If an English person appears upset it's very important you insist they talk
about their emotions. There is nothing we love more than our deepest insecurities being forced out of us and made public If at a party, try to force an English
person into publicly speaking or make them the center of attention somehow. Guarantee they will pay you back in
years to come with a gentle smile. or a Molotov cocktail through
your window at 3 in the morning :) Sexual etiquette can sometimes be confusing to
foreigners, but the process is rather simple: Step 1, if you find someone attractive, it's very
important you completely ignore or insult them. Step 2, both parties will then drink at least 3 bottles of wine each, and the act of mating can commence. Keep in mind however that the act of mating is only permitted once a year on the 6th February, also known as Leg Over Day. This is not to be confused with St. Fapius Day,
which is quite a different event indeed ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ) The Act should be performed
in absolute darkness, and in extreme cases can last upwards
of two and a half minutes. At no point should be eye contact or enjoyment Or the police may be summoned to the premises. Once the act has concluded, both parties should
then marry, and move into a shared castle. though given the recent state of the economy,
a potting shed is also acceptable. The national dish of England is called Beer. Many people believe the majority of us spend
our time eating cucumber sandwiches and discussing literature. While this is true, we've recently invented
a number of other delightful pastimes, such as football hooliganism, knife crime,
and the British spider fighting championships. The national sport of England is called Football. Now, a lot of non-European seemed confused about the rules, so let's just clear this up, shall we. There are 22 men. Now whoever gets the
most goals wins. But if the chaser gets the snitch then that's game over. 2 goals is called an Earl Grey, 3 is John Thomas, and Iceland can suck a fat one England retained complete sovereignty
throughout the years And was at no point invaded and conquered repeatedly by the Roman, Vikings, Scottish or French. It is a little known fact that the English actually
invented a number of popular items today Including the toothbrush, the jet engine,
and the gallbladder. Modern England was born in 1508 when Jonah Fuzzwasles defeated the Ollard Thrubwoballz and decreed that from then on, math will be spelt with an 's', everyone would drive on the left, and if someone buys you a round
at the pub, it's not a gift. You're expected to do the same for
everyone at some point, or you're being what we call in England "A right dick" It rains a lot, but the people are all right. I don't even live there anymore. Goodbye. โช plop.
he never said anything about the most English pastime of all
As a fellow Englishman I find his self-deprecating humour to be inadequate, which I suppose has a bittersweet irony all to itself.
And Iceland can suck a fat one. Lol
Pretty poor guide: no mention of queuing etiquette or whether or not the milk comes first when serving tea.
lack of tea & queueing references... 1 tut.
Out of interest, has any English person found this funny?
This just seems like Reddit bait to me. Something Americans will eat up because "lol funny English guy with nice accent confirms our stereotypes".
As an American, I find the food in the UK to be better on average than the food I've had in America. The bad food stereotype is strange.
I thought this was Leg Over Day?