Empathy is a Verb | Michele Borba | TEDxTraverseCity

please welcome to the stage Michelle borba we all have our own forgettable moments mine was April 20th 1999 I was watching the Columbine High School massacre unfold and I realized it was a seismic shift happening at our culture and our children's world and I I spent the next few years studying youth violence I went all over studying it then I wrote a bill on how to prevent school shootings I was presenting those recommendations to the assembly when all of a sudden my next unforgettable moment happened it was a team with very baggy jeans walks by me holding him pants up so they wouldn't fall and yells out great speech now what could this kid possibly like about what I said all this stuff about teaching people to care that's the stuff we need to learn you know the goodness stuff bingo on the spot this kid was right and he changed my entire mindset for the next 17 years I was on a search to find the answer my my journey took me far and wide I walked the killing fields I went to Dachau ash wits talked to some of the most brilliant scientists in the world and I and I also interviewed hundreds of kids I found the answer the answer to goodness is empathy the ability to feel with another human being and why would you want to empathize so let me count the ways folks number one it's very highly correlated to predicting our real happiness and success it what also activates our heart so we're more likely to step in be courageous be compassionate be contributing members of society so we can realize our world but it's also the best antidote we have right now to stopping bullying ending racism and opening up the doors to each other it's our hope for Humanity and that's why I'm concerned you see we have a serious crisis from zip codes from coast to coast and that is in the last 30 years today's kids are 40 percent lower in empathy and in the same 30 years their narcissism rates have increased fifty-eight percent call it the selfie syndrome folks but what we're dealing with is self-absorption kills empathy what we need to be doing is raising unselfie is not selfies number two we need to start putting up close and on our agendas empathy because to me it's the best seeds we can move to really restore humanity and it's my contention that empathy is anything other than soft and fluffy it is an integral essential piece that we have got to start realizing we can cultivate because the other best thing about all of this is that though we're hardwired to care don't think it's an 8 we need to exercise our empathy muscles so now the next question is how how do we open up our hearts and surprisingly it was a few more kids who gave me the best answers if we listen to kids these are the ideas we should spread first idea was in Fort McMurray Canada way far north the superintendent told me you just have to go and visit this classroom it's really amazing classroom they're learning emotional intelligence there so I was curious I walked in sat down at the end of a great big green rug and for the next 30 minutes I began to first listen to the kids who were busy giving me instructions step one is they said about their teacher stay still he startles really easily oh don't look sad he'll cry I bet becoming a little concerned about this teacher when all of a sudden the door opens and in walks a mom carrying her baby she puts the baby in the middle of the rug and I sit back and I watch in absolute awe the most brilliant lesson I've ever seen in empathy question number one was from the real teacher how does Clara seem to be feeling today and all the kids they were tuning in they were observing they were watching her emotions and boy they had it well she looks a little anxious how do you know because your hands are in fists well maybe we should all smile to make Clara feel better and the little one next to me says Clara's learning empathy and deed that it wasn't just Clara it was the group of thirty third graders who were also tuning in the program is unique its roots of empathy it's by Mary Gordon hundreds of kids have been exposed to it thousands but here's the real thing nine studies already proved that it reduces bullying and increases empathy but why it's because the kids were actively experiencing and witnessing empathy big mistake we make is okay kids now fill out the worksheet we're going to learn empathy it's nine o'clock let's talk about empathy no we got a weave it in because it's up-close personal moments as the kids would tell me first idea empathy is a verb it needs to be active it needs to be meaningful it needs to be real and when we have those kinds of moments they're usually spontaneous they can also be transformational example was Darren Darren was struggling in school he was held back two years he his mother was murdered in front of him when he was four he lived in a series of foster homes he wanted everybody to think he was tough but inside this kid was hurting but he was also in a roots of empathy class and that day when a mother brought her baby she shared with the kids that her child didn't like to be coddled and surprisingly it was Darren who walked up and asked if he could hold her baby and the mother little apprehensive Lee gave Darren the baby in which case he walked over to a side and he gently rocked this child over and over over and over until he walked back to the mother and asked the question if you've never been loved do you think you can still be a good father empathy moments can transform us on the inside so we see ourselves and we see others in a different light but it's always those up-close VirB kind of moments that are critical and that's why we should all be worried because those up close verb Qaeda moments are disappearing or in a generation that rather text and talk the average child is now plugged in about seven and a half hours a day our infants our little Clara's are now one third of them using iPads and we are we are conveying our emotions by circling emojis well folks you don't learn empathy facing a screen which just means the first step of all of this the kids would say is we kind of tuned in we get a tune in a little more so that we can do the seeds of empathy read how the other person is feeling there's lots of ways to do it doesn't have to be hard or expensive it's just intentional like creating some unplugs digital times in your home or in your office or do what one fraternity did and change their whole life they set a new rule the new rule is when you go out to dinner you everybody put your cell phone in the middle of the table and the first person to touch your cell phone pays every vetti else's restaurant belt they reclaimed the art of conversation very quickly first thing is folks we got to get on board here with empathy we got to do what the kids said and remember empathy is a verb but that's not the only idea there's two more if we're going to reactivate our hearts you see we also know we're more likely to empathize with those in our own social hub people were familiar with so how do we open our hearts to them or even better yet how do we break down prejudice and stop hate once again it was kids who had the answer but this time it was a most unique summer camp now picture it because it's kind of Norman Rockwell ish it has a sparkling lake it has the woods it's an Otis Ville name it's a camp like we all went to that has archery and canoeing but what's different are the campers they're 14 to 16 year old teens they've been selected for their leadership abilities and they're flown in from all over the world in war-torn areas now just imagine they come in from Israel Palestine Jordan Egypt Afghanistan Pakistan India as well as the United States and Britain and they come in for three weeks to this camp and which was founded 30 years ago by somebody I think is a real visionary his name was John Wallach a reporter who said forget the adults we're never gonna get to him the conflicts are going to keep going how about we reach the kids we get to the kids earlier and maybe they can be a seed a seed who can go back and plant peace in their own countries as a future leader sounds idealistic but it's working 30 years later they've been tracking kids University of Chicago and a very large significant portion not only have made friends with the other side a person you have been taught to hate your entire life but 30 years later they're continuing to advocate for peace so why does it work first it is called the seeds of peace international camp and it is a miracle place when I visited what I saw instantly was everything from the activities to the atmosphere to the skills these kids were learning was all about strengthening human connection everything the other thing that I saw that was over and over again is that they were breaking out their social hubs so the kids were starting to stand over and meet somebody who was them for instance they ate they slept they also talked together they learned skills skills that open up your hearts that's the thing we may be also be forgetting to do empathy is made up of habits habits that we need to work on what did these kids learn communicating collaborating perspective-taking so they could step into the other person's shoes one of the most amazing things I saw at this camp were signs everywhere that were taped to the doors and on the woods that said stop and talk stop and talk and I looked at those signs like oh my god we should be mandatory in our homes our schools or our communities because it's the first step you got to be aware the other person exists but what these kids were doing was practicing empathy habits see you first develop empathy then you practice it and if you practice it enough then you can live it slowly the kids said very slowly your heart begins to open up it takes time they said you know takes time because you've been taught your whole life they hate that guy but because you keep practicing those habits pretty soon the moment happens I said what's the moment he said the moment is the miracle stuff your heart opens and you see the person not as an enemy but another human being it's a real miracle the teens also said when you leave here you're changed from the inside out you'll never be the same I saw the miracle that day this and I said and looked at this and go my god this is also what we all should be doing can you imagine a more peaceful society when we practice we practice habits of heart and those kids would also say the key to keep in mind is that the real miracle is practicing them the motto of this camp is the way life should be the way life could be and I looked at it and when that's exactly what we could be doing practicing those habits so they open our hearts but the idea we're spreading is we got to practice habits we that's not the only one there's one more and the last habit I learn turned the last idea were spreading actually happened in Rwanda a place for vicious vicious horrific stuff had happened and just imagine in 100 days over 800,000 people were massacred in the most horrific horrific genocide this is neighbors killing neighbors so if you ask me what's the real danger of empathy going down when empathy wanes so does humanity we've also got to keep in mind folks that we have got ourselves in such a narrow view of what success is these days it's like this it's all a metric of success that it's a GPA or an SAT let's widen it so it's also humanity 101 that there's genius stuff on the other side of the report card and we also better start prioritizing this stuff I mean we don't prioritize it when's the last time you saw a parent with a bumper sticker on the back of the card that said proud parent of a kind kid it's low on our agendas let's raise it up we don't even exercise our heart so we're good at doing everything else we go to the gym we cart our kids to this and this and this and this we're on everything moan demand but we don't practice those habits of we that kids would say we're so essential and if we did can you imagine how the world would be a better place the way life could be Rwanda though was where I learned the third idea I was visiting an orphanage these children were just incredible kids but they were all deaf mute children whose parents had abandoned them their grandparents were slaughtered in a genocide and I was distributing nothing more than very very simple little backpacks that were packed by kids back home what was in them Oh a notepad a ruler a pencil gum little stick a candy and the kids were so excited to get these backpacks as they started just pouring everything out because of course they didn't own a backpack but I watched one little guy off to the side and I kept watching him pull and pull and pull until he was almost in a frantic mode what did he need you know like more candy or was he looking for another stick of gum noop and he kept looking until all of a sudden it was the finding the one other thing that each child had had in their backpack was a handwritten note from a child back home and that was the only thing he was looking for that handwritten note when he pulled it on ever was that he pulls this note so so carefully and then opens it and start to read the words and I walked a little closer to him and I read behind his shoulder and boy they were pretty simple hi I'm 10 I live in Minnesota and I packed this backpack for you I hope you like it because I was thinking about you your new friend from the United States mark he read it again and again and then he held it so so carefully against his heart he turns to look at me and I'm I'm a basket case he points to my tears and he points to his and then he signs the word for love i sat there and went oh my gosh here's the moment of moments when I'm with him we are emotionally in sync they're rare they're spontaneous and they're priests quick but I was feeling for him but I also realized at that moment that is the basic human need for every child and every grown-up from poverty to privilege just the human connection and that's the piece that seemed to be doing dling we can keep our hearts open for so many different ways but one of the things is just starting with one one child is what activates our heart working with one person just feeding one person in an in a food bank just starting with one think big but start small folks and we can reactivate our hearts so well there's one other thing that there's a danger that we better worry about and that is what's called compassion fatigue we see so much of the doom and gloom of the world today on closed-caption TV that's constant how do you keep your empathy open so it doesn't create that numbness you do what mr. Rogers would tell you to do look for the helpers look for the good ones look for the caring look for the compassionate their stories are always on the back pay age by the way there there on the back page of the newspaper what we got to do is cut those stories out and give them to our kids give them to our colleagues keep our empathy open mother Teresa said something absolutely brilliant she said when I look at the mass all the numbers all that are suffering I'll never act but if I look to one I will empathy starts with one it's the spiraling trajectory that we can open up our hearts but we got to keep in mind something that's so critical empathy is what makes us better people and put the empathy is the best investment we can make for our future empathy not technological power industrial strength and military might but human capital what we need to do is advance people people skills and that's what we seem to be lying dormant with these days we're putting everything into everything else but ourselves now there's hope folks there's hope we can make a difference I know it because I've seen it but with the kids would tell you to do is just remember three ideas worth spreading idea number one is practice habits of heart just remember those habits but keep practicing them over and over again think of empathy as just we not me but also think of empathy as a verb it's real it's meaningful it's active but it's always always face-to-face connection and finally do one more thing just start with one if you start with one your heart will open it will continue to and the most amazing thing you pass it on to another person compassion is courageous for the way life could be and should be I hope you're with me thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 87,661

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Social Science, Children, Communication, Community, Emotions, Empathy, Life, Life Development, Psychology

Id: tVTiplEG91s

Length: 17min 54sec (1074 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 21 2016