Translator: Ross Edwards
Reviewer: Leonardo Silva Hi, how are you? I'm Yordi Rosado, for quite a while now
I've been a television presenter. And one day, after a TV show,
there was a guy in my dressing room, a teenager, he said:
"Yordi, I'd like to chat to you." I said, "Yes, of course."
He said: "Hello, I'm Alejandro." I said, "What is it?" And he said: "I'm going to tell you
something I've never told anyone and that nobody else knows." And I said: "What is it?" "I'm going to kill myself." When he told me,
I was in shock, I was frozen, and I started telling him things
that any adult would say to prevent something like that. But I realized he didn't understand me because I didn't understand
what he was feeling and going through. Then it was all very chaotic -
he had to go, I had to go too. I said to him: "Please, give me
your information," and he wrote it down. I was waiting all day to get home, and when I got home,
I called some psychologists, I searched in books, didn't find much. I called a helpline, and when I felt I had the information
I needed to be able to help him, I called him. I grabbed the note and called him. The telephone started ringing,
and ringing and ringing... and he wasn't picking up. It was one of the longest nights
of my life, I spent 3 or 4 hours calling. He'd told me that it was a decision
that he had already taken. I didn't know if he was planning it
or if he was doing it at that moment or if, unfortunately, he already had. It was horrible. The next day, I woke up,
continued calling him, and, when I least thought
they'd pick up, they picked up. A woman picked up the phone, I asked her: "Could you put me through
to Alejandro, please?" And she said: "There's no Alejandro here." And me: "Look, yesterday I met your son,
he told me about the situation you're in, please, trust me, could you
put me through to him?" Essentially, the number was wrong.
I had the wrong number. Today I can't tell you
if Alejandro is still alive or, unfortunately, if he isn't. I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for not checking the number
when I dialled, there and then, for having not given him mine - I thought about it
but didn't give it to him. And, above all, I felt somewhat
responsible for not having information - before many young people
had told me things but nothing like that. Anyway, about six months later
I was invited to give a talk. I thought the only thing
they wanted me to do was entertain the teenagers for a bit. But they didn't know my story,
so I prepared some topics for it and I tried to include entertainment,
which I'd done well in the media, as part of my formula
and then see if it worked. I said: "If this works,
I'll attempt, I'll try to always look for the best experts,
to look for the best information, so I can be a translator,
so I can be a facilitator, and then give that information,
and be of help." Fortunately, it worked,
that particular talk. What I want to say
is that we all have a teenager who we adore, who we love
or who we just want to help - a son, a nephew, a grandchild,
a friend, or a neighbor, whoever they are. Adolescence is indeed complicated. They say that the only thing
that's harder than being a teenager is being a parent of one. (Laughter) They say it really is very complicated,
and really, how couldn't it be? Because things completely change,
things radically change, because, suddenly, from your kids
being small and saying to you: "Daddy, mommy, please
stay here in bed, stay with me! What do you mean you're going to work?
You just arrived! No, please!" to a few years later: "Can you get out of my room?!
Give me my space!" (Laughter) What's more, if they could
legally register their room, many would. (Laughter) It's impressive. You need to realize
they've been swapped for a fake: they look the same, but they're not! (Laughter) The reality is that parents and kids
talk completely differently. Their languages and messages
are completely different. So suddenly, the teenager
says things to you like: "But everyone failed." And the parent says, obviously: "I don't care about everyone else,
I only care about you." And then, if they have time,
they load it on with: "So what? If someone told you to jump
off a cliff, would you go and jump?" (Laughter) The reality is that parents
are trying to raise kids using language and information
that's 30 years old - how we were raised. In some way it's not our fault
because it's the only way we know, but teenagers of today
experience a difference adolescence, a different reality,
a different environment. And they have millions of things
we didn't have 30 years ago. So, to be able to raise children of today, we have to be parents of today. Adolescence is fantastic, it's incredible but it's important we understand it. Many people think that the word
"adolescence" means "suffer," and that does makes sense,
but "adolescence" means "learn to grow." That's exactly what's happening to them. They're becoming adults,
both physically and emotionally. This is happening continuously. The physical changes,
we all know them very well: Their genitals begin to grow,
pubic hair appears, the muscles change,
menstruation begins, and so on. But we often don't understand
or don't know about the mental changes that occur -
the most important changes. You see, I think
this is really interesting: 95% of the human brain develops
between the ages of zero and five, and the final 5%,
among the most important, develops in adolescence. It's awesome, but that's how it is,
and many people don't know. I would like to comment
on three basic aspects of the teenage brain, and this way,
we can understand them more easily. The first, the first signal a teenager
receives in their brain is that they want to be,
and have to be, independent. That's first. They have to be themselves,
to be an individual for the first time. What happens? They turn,
see their parents, and say: "Ah! I'm identical to him!
I'm identical to her!" Of course! Why? Well, because for 11 years
you've been imitating them, because you have their DNA, manners,
even their flat little nose - everything! (Laughter) And at that point they go from being
the heroes you were building to being your archenemies
because they go against what your brain is asking -
that you be different. So you need to stop following your parents
and start doing your own thing. It's real: your brain
is constantly saying this. So, at that point, teenagers immediately
start being rebellious, going against you, disagreeing with everything you say. No matter how true
and logical it is: "No!" And they get out their flag:
"It isn't fair because I disagree." They start to use words like: Ash! Mta! (Laughter) And they start to talk differently,
to use more swear words. If their parent has piercings
then they don't put them in, but if they don't, they want them - they do everything they can
to become separate. And here the experts tell you
that you need to let them do that, you need to let it happen
and not get involved, because doing so causes
problems and arguments. It's the only thing
that makes them different from you, and their brain is asking for it. On the other hand, we have to relax, because it is just a phase
and they will stop. You won't see your 35-year-old son
when he's the company manager throwing a tantrum in his office, saying: "Get the director out, I'm not giving
him the balances! No! No! Why did I have to work in this company?" No. (Laughter) That won't happen - it's temporary. Sadly, parents get caught up in it, because we don't understand
what's going on in the kid's brain and, sadly, we wear down
our relationship with them because of this constant fighting. In wearing it down, we also lose
something important: authority. If you fight 20 times
with somebody in one week, you lose authority - authority that'll be really
important at another point. Something else happening
in the brain, another important one, is what's going on
in the prefrontal cortex, the part found right behind the forehead. And during this period,
it's the part given the biggest make over. This regulates, to name a few things, judgement, responsibility,
and decision-making. Imagine that. (Laughter) It's being given a makeover.
We've all seen a makeover, right? So when you say to them:
"Wait, wait, wait, what? You went to the party without asking me, you got into party clothes
at night without telling me, you got into a stranger's car,
and you took a phone with no battery... Don't you realize how dangerous that is?!" No. (Laughter) They actually can't. And we get very angry
because we think they're messing with us. But they can't see it your way -
we're seeing it from different places. That doesn't mean that if you see
your child doing something dangerous, trying to bungee jump
without ropes, you should tell them: "It's OK, leave them,
it's the prefrontal cortex." Obviously not. (Laughter) There'll be other times
you can do it another way, but here what you do is very important because your child can't make
that judgement at that moment. The judgement he had at 7 years old
is being given a makeover. So there are very dangerous things,
such as addictions of course, such as eating disorders,
such as depression, such as legal problems, such as suicide. And parents do have to be very strict
and very firm with those, and if you have this problem, it's: "Okay, no, I've got you, come here,
you're not going any further, my love." And you look for an expert,
an organization, because you can't get out of them,
and they're different from the others - here you need all the authority
you've saved up from other problems. These problems are a matter
of life and death. Here, your child's life could
indeed completely change. This a different ball game
to when they said "güey" 25 times a day for seven years. Now it is a matter of life and death. The third one, also very important,
is what's going on with decision-making. The brain starts asking the teenager
to make their own decisions. And they realize that they got from you all their knowledge
and everything they know. That's a huge deal. Because if you taught them
that we wash our hair first, then our body and finally our feet, they'll realize they didn't even decide
how to take a shower. And the poor kid
has a horrible panic attack. Because they start wanting
to experiment again. And you say: "Why?
You already know how to do it!" Their brain is asking them
to make decisions for the first time. So one day, you're all
on your way to Acapulco. You, as a parent, want the dream vacation, and your child says before leaving:
"Why are we taking the toll road?" (Laughter) Challenging, isn't it? And you say: "Because it's faster." "And, how do you know it's faster?" "Because you have to pay,
there are bridges, there are slopes - it's obvious, it costs money!" "How long has it been
since you took the free one?" (Laughter) "I don't know, 10 years." "So how do you know it hasn't changed?" (Laughter) And we explode. It'd be ideal if one day,
if you have time, you took the free one, to help them decide. They'll realize that it's longer
and has more potholes. If you take the free one, it's very likely that the next time
you go to Acapulco they'll say: "This time the toll road, right?" (Laughter) Quite possible. But what's going on here?
We're helping them to grow. We're validating their ideas,
helping them to make decisions. It's like when we saw them
taking their first steps, except they're decisions that help them
become adults, not steps. Teenagers are right
a lot more often than we think, sometimes even when arguing with us. But we are used to never accepting that. It could be that they're right
and we aren't listen to them. We need to help them to grow
and become an adult. It's the duty of being a parent, but sometimes we don't know
what stage the kid is going through. For example, so what do we help them with? What do we negotiate on?
Because you have to negotiate with them. You have to teach them and help them
to make mistakes and to do it well. Imagine: during this period,
they are so stuck in that, that a kid prefers to make
a mistake deciding for themselves than to be right following your advice because they feel they're a step behind. So you have to help them,
and that's why you have to negotiate. And what do you negotiate on? You negotiate on basic, routine things: When can I come home? Who can I go with? Can I fail 3 subjects instead of 2? Can I go on vacation here? We have to negotiate on those things, things our parents usually said no to,
it's really important to. And help them with themselves. For example, nowadays
if a teenager says to you: "Please, let me come back at 2 a.m., all my friends are allowed
to arrive at 2 a.m." the best thing would be to talk
with their friends' parents to check, and it turns out that, yes,
all of them are allowed to, and then to say the next day: "Look, we checked, we talked
with your friends' parents, and it turns out you're right." When you say "you are right,"
it's gold for them. Because it's a negotiation, and in a negotiation,
everyone wants win-win. You can't lose all the time. Parents who squeeze
and squeeze their children lose them and push them away, sadly. "So, we've seen they're allowed,
so we'll say this: Starting next week
you won't come back at 1:00 a.m., you can come back at 1:45 a.m." What's going on here? You can't say 2 a.m. - the week after
they'll say 3 a.m., then 4, then 5. And then: "There's a new rule too: Every time you go out,
you have to call me." When you do that, it shows them
you still have control. Two: you set them limits. And three: those limits
make them feel safe. But most importantly, in the end,
your child feels happy and thankful, because they grew, because they were able
to negotiate a bit with you. I'll say it again: To be able to raise children of today,
we have to be parents of today. These things make all the difference
and there are very simple things that completely change the picture
for us if done like so. You tell your child, with simple things: "Take your plates to the sink, please." They're going along, and say: "Ugh!" "What's up with you?!
Are you crazy?! It's impossible!" They talk back to you,
you fight, and it's horrible. Case two: "Take them to the sink, please." "Ugh!" and you... "Thanks, my love." And that conflict isn't created any more. We can make sense of other things too. Suddenly we see teachers who are heroes of the school,
everyone loves them, right? Do you know what these teachers do? They accept the students' mistakes,
they listen to them. They listen to the students' arguments
and if they're better, they accept them. Are we going to make mistakes
as a parents, uncles or grandparents? Yes, of course. Why? Because teenagers aren't numbers,
and we aren't formulas. It's normal, and we all have
our own character, there are better days,
there are worse days. It's totally normal that at points
you can't cope and you explode. But the big advantage of all this is that when you have more information,
your margin for error is much smaller. More information, fewer mistakes. If in the past you'd fight
with them 10 times, with information and understanding,
you'll fight three times. The other seven times
make all the difference in allowing you to enjoy
and appreciate them, to enjoy and appreciate each other. Many parents ask themselves:
"Am I a good dad?" "Am I a good mom?" I think the simple fact
we ask ourselves that question takes us closer and puts us
on track to being one, because we care, we're worried, because we'll listen to a talk
or read a book. Moms who are bad moms
and dads who are bad dads don't ask that question. You have to negotiate with them. Teenagers are extremely intelligent,
but sometimes we don't listen to them. And we especially have to realize
that to be the parent of teenager, you have to a palm tree, not an oak. Adolescence is like a big hurricane
that takes everything away when it hits. If you're very strict, however much a strong oak you are,
however how bulky you are, however old you are
and however many deep roots you have, the hurricane will take you away. But a palm three, when the hurricane hits, knows when to move to the right,
when to move to the left, when to stay in the middle
and not move anywhere. And when the hurricane passes
after some time, the palm is always still there. I wish you the best of luck
with the teenagers you're close to. Thank you so much. (Applause)
