Dying with an End of Life Doula | Mariana Luz | TEDxShelburneFalls

[Applause] as long as I can remember I've always been fascinated by Big Ideas sort of mystical stuff like why are we here what's my purpose in life where do we go when we die things like that now I'm still thinking about those things and as a student of Buddhism sometimes I'm around people who give me some clues I was at a talk recently and one of the teachers was talking about the the suffering the root of all suffering which is attachment grasping now just as an illustration of this I look at my cell phone like many many many times a day and I read research recently that says that you know we're looking at our cell phones over a hundred times a day no since I've read that I think about it now when I look at my cell phone sometimes I'm really looking for an answer to a question that I asked or a response most of the time I'm escaping from something what is it that I'm escaping from is that that awkward silence when you're in a room and no one's talking is it that void inside well my teacher says that what we're escaping from is the fear of being alone and ultimately the fear of death so that's something to really think about when you go to look at your cell phone now now death is something that was part of everyday life until a few generations ago even in my grandmother's day in this culture it's really changed now death is not something that we see on a day-to-day basis for the most part it's removed its medicalised we have our elders move into a long-term care facility or a nursing home where they pass away peacefully and we never see them again or there's a medical emergency or rushed to the hospital all kinds of medical procedures are done last-ditch efforts to save your life now the medical establishment is trained to do that doctors nurses they're trained to save lives but people 75% of people interviewed have said that they would prefer to die at home only 25% of people actually get to die at home so how can we change that because death is not part of everyday life anymore we don't talk about it doctors are not trained to talk about it they're trained to save lives because it's removed from us it's become a stigma let's face it when you saw that there was to talk about death on the program today you probably wanted to run out the door and say well I guess I'll I can I can skip that one we don't talk about it because we're afraid of it now song young Rumpy Shea he is a Tibetan monk and he wrote the book the Tibetan book of living and dying sorry he says imagine how things could be if we would live our lives infused with the sacred meaning if our end-of-life care were always lit by the sense of awe in the face of death so think about that if our end-of-life care were infused with a sense of awe and if we looked at life in death as an inseparable whole so the death is just really part of living it's something that we all do and if we sought to make love and compassion really the measure of our every act what a revolution that would be and that we would all be free we would be free to discover our birthright I do believe and I my it's my hope in my my dream is that all people have the right to die with dignity where they want to be with the people they want to be in unafraid so as a end of life doula and if you're not familiar with that term it comes from the ancient Greek it's been around a long long time it means a woman who helps another woman through childbirth and delivery and provides care for the family the mother and the infant after birth it's interesting that we're now using this same term that we used to have ah sure in life we're using it at the end of life as well a end of life doula is someone who helps bring somebody and helps comfort somebody and provide care at the end of their life the Dalai Lama says that as a newborn baby we're all helpless and without the care that we receive we wouldn't have survived so likewise people at the end of their lives we become fairly helpless and need care and he says that this is one of the most important things that we can do is to relieve people from discomfort and anxiety and to assist them and that really our prime aim in helping a dying person is to put them at ease I have a couple of stories about the work that I've been doing as a mic there's no thank you as an end of life doula I was sitting with a woman once caring for her I'd been working with her for a body about a year and she was getting towards the end of her life and she said I feel very safe with you well I was really flattered that she told me that and I got to thinking about this woman she was very demanding very exacting she wanted things a certain way she would tell you over and over and over how she wanted that and she was a little bit grumpy about it she could be very critical with the people around her in her life well this didn't bother me because I'm somebody I like things a certain way and when I get to a certain point in my life when I can't do those things it might not be that happy about it so I get it and she got that I got it and she felt safe with me but I think also because she was nearing the end of her life and she was becoming weaker she knew she needed someone to be there for her and I realized that this was a very very independent woman she had raised the daughter on her own she had been a career woman and she didn't feel supported she just didn't feel like there was someone there who could really take care of her and she asked me to be around her more as she felt herself getting weaker and she was going to need more care which was really terrifying to somebody who's always taking care of themselves so that's one area that I feel I can be of help I can provide comfort to somebody who's nearing the end of their life and help that person guide that person just like a midwife guides a woman through the birth process I can help guide somebody and help somebody the unafraid at the end of their life I've had some amazing experiences in this work I'm sorry I wanted to tell you about what it has been like for us now where people die a way out of view in hospitals or maybe even hooked up to machines having medical procedures but I want you to imagine what it would be like if we had this scenario a woman I knew was at the end of a terminal disease she decided on her own with the help of her healthcare practitioners that she was going to have no more treatment and just go home and die in the presence of her loved ones and the home she loved with her pets that she loved and she moved into the little house that she had built in her backyard it was surrounded by woods there was a little stream in the back it was really kind of perfect she had a art studio and a kitchenette she had everything she needed right there she was also a very independent woman and had always done things on her own and never needed help when she got towards the end of her life her family became aware that she was going to need help and they didn't want to be care providers they wanted to be able to be the emotional support after all they were going through their own grief in their own loss they were experiencing that they were gonna lose this very beloved woman so that's where I came in now she had friends come and visit but when she was tired they would go to the main house she had her little little cute little house in the back we had birds singing we had people would come and play music out the a window there's a little little pond and a fountain it was just it was really beautiful and at the very end she had chosen to be with her sister and she took her last breath peaceful she had resolved all the things that she had had to think about her family knew and her wishes were there were no issues that came up oftentimes there's a movement right now a movement that's changing the way people have experienced death it's called death over dinner and I encourage you to just look it up it's there's TED talks and there's a website it helps people talk about death we don't talk about it because it's become so stigmatized and removed from everyday life this movement helps you sit with your loved ones over dinner and talk about you know have them do you have a Medical proxy do you have somebody in your life who knows your wishes at the end of your life if you can't make decisions and they'll make them for you these are all really critical things having your assets and your have you done a will have you had these conversations with the people in your life about what you would like what you would not like in terms of medical intervention at the end so this woman had had all of those conversations already she was ready and she slipped away very peacefully another thing that happened to me that was pretty amazing with this same woman towards the end a couple of days before she finally passed away I was up in her room with her at night at this point she felt she wanted somebody close by in case she needed something during the night and that's one of the things I can do besides providing comfort I can make sure that you're not in pain I can make sure that your pillows are plumped if somebody needs to use the bathroom or needs to be washed I can do that so during the night she sat up in bed and said oh who are these people here and I she was sounded really delighted that she was being visited now I've heard people on the brink of death visits from people that they love people that have passed on before but this was a little bit different because she said your family's here this is your family and they're so happy and they're so delighted and I asked her to describe who was here and it was my partner from who had died 21 years ago and he was there in the room according to her with my children the way they looked 21 years ago my children are adults now and she said he's such a gentle man and he's so happy and he's so peaceful and it just gave me this amazing chill we both had tears in her eyes that she was able to see through this permeable door between the worlds it was there it gave me such hope because at that time I had been asking myself more and more I've been working with people who are dying and I wondered to myself is this the work I should be doing am I in the right place here this is not exactly what I thought I'd be doing at this time in my life and here was an answer to my question I'm in the right place if I'm able to provide comfort and care for someone who's in that place accompany them to the door I cannot go through the door with them we're all going to die we're all going to be alone when we die but hopefully we can provide comfort and care for people who are in that place so they can be unafraid so they can be comforted so they can be at peace when they die thank you so much for being here today I hope I've given you something to think about thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 38,121

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Aging, Community, Death, Life Development, Social Interaction

Id: EptDDTqna50

Length: 13min 18sec (798 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 14 2017