Dungeons & Dragons and Drunk Tom Brady

on today's part of my take the return of dungeons and dragons tim woods it's great to have him back it is great to have our uh what is it a epic is it an epic it's a saga at this point it's a saga i need a saga what's my saga uh do we we jump back into the world of dragons awesome awesome uh way to break up post football life we also are going to do a little bit of tom brady uh being drunk in the bucks boat parade russell wilson probably wanting to get out of seattle every quarterback wants to trade at this point uh and then firefest of the week before we get to all of that verizon you've heard us talk about it verizon has come on as a great great sponsor well guess what if you're a mobile gamer you've heard every excuse under the sun they're hacking this game is glitchy but the lamest one by far is blaming your losses on lag eliminate the excuses with verizon 5g the 5g that changes the game now with unprecedented performance of 5g ultra wide band the fastest 5g in the world built with 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college where he gets to kind of go away from home for a while get away from the taskmaster up in new england just kind of cut loose for a couple years it was fun to see and i love the knee brace i love tom brady like an offensive lineman wearing a pre-emptive knee brace during a football game he goes out and gets drunk and he puts a knee brace on before he does it that's thinking ahead that's the difference between him and all the other quarterbacks yes and you know unless it's your rival that wins a championship i think every fan can relate to just soaking up like the videos that come out the drunk videos the post-game celebrations the celebrations on the field i watch it all i love it all i think it's the little boy in you that's like oh imagine if i were on a super bowl winning team like how sick would this be i there's something about all these videos that just it's it's why we watch sports it's why we enjoy sports so i i thought the the boat videos were hilarious the i i mean i think it's very funny though that like cronk and brady have had so many lombardi trophies that they just man handle that trophy because they're just so used to it it's so like they they toss that thing around i saw a gronk swinging it around and i was thinking to myself what happens if this like does it float i don't think it floats so it like remember when gronk uh put a big dent in it when he when he swung it as a bat it's it's so they're so nor the the barney trophy so normalized for them that it just becomes a party accessory yeah they've just got them laying around their house they're probably sick of them they don't have anywhere to put them anymore you can't you can't fit seven lombardi trophies in a room besides your living room probably and then your wife is like hey can we can we move these somewhere else it's a little bit ghost to have all your awards out here it's it's crazy they've won seven our british won seven trophies somebody pointed out on on twitter earlier today that um the odds of tom brady winning a super bowl are about the same as uh the odds of steph curry hitting a three-pointer jesus in any given season like like him taking one shot from three is about the same at the start of the year as tom brady uh winning the super bowl that's that's crazy to me the other take i had from the boat parties is um and and i've said this before most honorably when we had jared goff in the van a couple years ago but whenever i see athletes like that are just in great shape wearing t-shirts i'm like man i wish i could look that good in a t-shirt it must be so cool to just be like i'm gonna throw on a t-shirt and look awesome they all look just so like tom brady looked awesome in just a regular t-shirt because they all have great bodies and that's i i'm i'm comfortable saying that i'm very jealous of every athlete who just walks around in a t-shirt and looks awesome yeah i i mean him being on a boat wearing a t-shirt and looking the best of anybody on a boat when that's normally a shirt off occasion it's not fair he was worried not fair he's wearing an orange t-shirt like ray-bans i wouldn't be surprised if that t-shirt costs like 750 dollars yeah yeah that makes it look cool i wear a backwards hat my face looks fat like this yeah i need my hair to give me volume are you getting jealous hank like watching gronk and brady have such a good time down there yeah i mean a little bit but you know i'm happy for him at the end of the day i i do have one question for you though pfc okay as someone who's made a career out of uh purposely spelling things wrong what do you mean uh do you think that tom brady's tweet was a drunk tweet or he did that on purpose to make it seem like a drunk tweet okay so i i'm very woke about the drunk tom brady tweet thing because i think it was on purpose because it had like mystery capital letters here yep he was having fun with the fact that people thought he was too hammered to walk after he got off the boat that guy i don't know who it was it was escorting tom brady he just did back up qb brady just always attracts like different west welkers to be around him at all times that guy looked like his ryan griffin yeah it looked like it's six foot four west walker and he was just like holding on to tom brady i think they were doing it as joke i think the guys were like hey let's pretend that tom you're so hammered that you can't walk i'm gonna hold you and walk with you tom brady saw that clip go viral tom brady has gotten so good at the internet in the last three years that you know this dude was out there with multiple burners before he ever officially grabbed the at tom brady handle i think he was with everybody i i actually thought the minute i saw it i was like tom come on dude we we did the spongebob meme reply like two years ago i thought that's what he was trying to do with the with the weirdly capitalized letters the uh the best part about that clip though well there's two things one is tom brady wearing a knee brace while partying i i will absolutely admit that i've worn an ankle brace while partying before because sometimes you're like you know what i i don't know what this day's where this day is going to take me i just want to make sure i don't come out of it injured and then the reporter who screened out a question well tom brady was clearly black out drunk and was like hey tom hey tom how awesome was that i was like that's exactly what i would ask good job way to get the question in tom talk about the party today how are you feeling what are your thoughts one other note uh our man playoff lenny maybe the greatest follow on twitter right now he was drunk tweeting from the boat talking about jpp's uh hands and i went and i follow him on instagram now and his instagram stories were so funny just essentially every he was just a bunch of uh videos of jpp uh and leonard playoff lenny being like how are you holding your phone right now how is it how hasn't it dropped out of your hands yeah no it was awesome he was he made like two jokes about his fingers within the first 20 minutes like playoff lenny has been waiting all season to be able to uncork these he's had him stored up i bet you his draft folder is just full of of hands jokes and i mean he's an easy target because what is he going to tweet back at you it's going to take him like 60 seconds longer to fire something off he has to do like the the hunt and peck method with his index finger it's very funny to watch lenny go off and it was also very clear watching the um miked up super bowl video that like they all love playoff lenny so so much he was the guy that they were all rooting for when he would get carries or get a big play it was very very clear like just watching that and watching them miked up on the sidelines oh one person that did feel very envious of tom brady was lebron james lebron he spent a lot of time drunk behind the scenes but it's very rarely for somebody that that stature to be hammered in public i actually think that that's what it is like if you're one of the top i don't know 500 most famous people in the world you can't ever be drunk in public you have to be very careful you can't be hammered this is like the tom brady gets like seven times in his life where it's acceptable to be out in public and just drunk off his ass i think lebron james was he was very jealous of tom getting to experience that yeah and it's actually very relatable for him to be that drunk like we had when we had talked to brooks on wednesday like we watched these guys play we watch these athletes perform but at the end of the day they still get they want to get just as drunk as us and have a good time so it was pretty cool to watch um the other news we had quarterback news russell wilson seemingly wants to be out of seattle so russell wilson did there let me start with this way is there anyone who's more coordinated with their media onslaught than russell wilson when he does his media like do you think his pr team thinks they're being sneaky he did this a few years ago when i think he went on fallon or something basically negotiating for his new contract this time around he goes on dan patrick's show a couple days ago essentially says he's sick of getting sacked and then today comes out a gq piece which was i don't know if you read it but it was banana land it was he and he and cr are trying to uh come across as the relatable married couple who are just trying to like you know have their relationship out there and it was the the quote that i i when i read it uh it said they they talk about cr and russell wilson they take the challenge of the perfection projected onto them by others and say okay sometimes they speak like the victorious teammates they are giving post-game press conferences at the lectern of life we're just grateful that we get to spend time together every day wilson says every morning we wake up together it's a blessing and we get to smile from ear to ear and know that you know what let's go let's go do this talking about their marriage i i'm gonna take back everything i said about russell wilson he's no longer corny this is just who he is and uh i i think he's i think he just doesn't have any sense of reality so it's not even like it's not even worth being like hey man come back come back to reality he's he's gone he's a long guy this is just him so this was one of my favorite quotes from the article it says uh this is russ wilson talking about just being in love just love it's always a blast that we get to do love together wilson says he's in his hyperbaric chamber laid back on a pillow the white tent around him gently wheezing inside like there's nothing there's nothing relatable at all in this article but i actually think that for celebrity couples to work you actually both have to be weird as hell yeah it helps because if it's just if somebody's too normal in a celebrity relationship like sierra if she was just like married to a normal dude she couldn't be like hey honey can you change your kids i've got to go scotch tape my my dress to my nipples while three million guys jack off to me at this awards ceremony like it doesn't work you have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship i think to actually make it make it work in the long run and they're definitely both crazy in their own ways they're both crazy and i just don't buy it i don't buy it like i'm sorry i i'm sure they have a great relationship it seems like they work on it great communication but you just can't you can't tell me that at the end of the night like if russell wilson rips a fart in bed and ciara's trying to fall asleep and catches a whiff she's not like what the dude like they fight they fight just like like when russell wilson wants to go play golf and and like there's three kids like screaming and crying at the breakfast table you can't tell me that doesn't start a fight that's what that's what baffles me with pieces like this it's okay to say that you know marriage is hard and there are relatable moments in this where we do fight or we don't communicate instead of being like yeah every morning i get my hyperbolic chamber and she sits next to me and we're never we're never in the uh you know you know in a different room and every time we're away from each other we facetime date and all this get out of here just stop you don't need to be perfect no one expects anyone to be perfect anymore when it comes to celebrity couples i also did love uh the the new introvert extrovert people who are like oh i'm an introvert and extrovert you know like sometimes i like to sit on my couch sometimes i like to go to a rave is ciara saying i'm such a homebody ciara says but i also was very blessed to travel the world yeah yeah you know you're a real homebody i'm the kind of guy that can either uh like go to uh to burning man for six days and trip balls on lsd or just sit on the couch and watch netflix that's kind of me i'm just kind of one of those weird guys like that but here's where it it it ties back to football it's pretty clear reading between the lines both russell wilson on the dan patrick show and then in this article if you notice the part where ciara's like you know i've had to really work hard to love seattle and like what are the what's those things like i think the quote was i've had a lot of lake experiences yeah she was like i've had a lot i've had a lot of lake experiences there's a lot of uh it's raining here but there's there's some sneaky natural beauty that grows out of place like this it was painful for her to say like say three nice things about seattle sierra and i just think this is all calculated to either get more money or ready for this become the starting quarterback for the dallas cowboys interesting interesting and you know what happened just like two days ago jack prescott said i'm not happy because i wasn't featured in the team montage video they just put out that was like three days ago yeah and if we're doing like serendipity in terms of doing our boomers on sunday nights in the in next fall the rain city dax really works oh that does yes yeah it's all coming together maybe they figure out a way to get back to seattle and and russ to dallas you have russell wilson's war the texas congressman lavin missiles throwing bombs i'm just saying it's just uh it's going to be very interesting where all the chips fall here because you have obviously deshawn watson's out there yeah carson wentz which it seems like we the the uh twitter like news that came out last week was maybe a little it was pushed a little bit hard by some people who weren't as in the know as they thought they were because now that we get the dust is settled a little it looks like the colts have offered a couple second rounders maybe which seems like the fair price like if the bears want to offer a second and third rounder for carson wentz i'm cool with that to take a shot i've always just been if they offer them a first round or maybe even two first rounders what the are they doing so you got carson wentz you got uh desean watson now maybe russell wilson it's jameis winston mitch trubisky i'm gonna throw out some more pro bowl names out there um there's gonna be a lot of quarterback movement so with russell wilson it was it was interesting how it worked out because the story was that russell wilson not happy with uh the seattle team's front office and then the seahawks leaked a story like two days later they're not happy with russell wilson being not happy so now it's just a big like circular we're not happy with each other moment uh i think russell's probably trying to get more money or at least maybe pressure them into drafting or are signing some free agent offensive lineman as opposed to just building them out of the the fart from tom cable and some duct tape and some wire and string and but i think that i think wilson's gonna stick around in seattle uh sierra loves that natural beauty up there that'd be tough to pull her i heard that when the eagles were saying like they were the connection was going to chicago that the bears were gonna pay like a first round pick and a second round pick for wentz i think it's just all the eagles leaking that stuff out on their own because there's also reports being like uh the eagles feel like they're not getting enough value uh in terms of their offers for carson wentz and it's just them trying to drive their own price up i think they're they might have leaked that bear story just to get other people to bid on it to drive up the price but um and ryan pace is dumb enough that he'd be like wait i offered how much maybe i should sweeten the pot here yeah let's get this done now do three first round picks if we get it done now yes but one other thing though reading that article in gq which wasn't saying in the picture spread is almost crazier than the article itself um i think i think russell wilson is one of those guys who's so 100 sober that he just acts drunk like almost like a dude perfect type guy who just like they get so into like being like optimizing every second of their life that they overdo it like you would not expect a sober person in the dude perfect analogy to be like uh i i can knock that drone out of the sky if i light this tennis ball on fire and then hit it with a lightsaber like this is this is the product of idle hands and a sober mind is really the devil's playground well it's the old brian cox never trusts a man without a vice i think russell wilson's vice is being like as big of a goober as he possibly can be like his he gets he's addicted to saying cliches and being overly nice and having everyone think that you know it actually now that i'm i'm like playing it all out in my head we like jj watt like we went after the wrong guy russell wilson is is jj watt to to a millionth degree like jj after we met him and since we've gotten to know him like yeah he even admitted he he sometimes he will try to be captain america but he's a normal dude he really is like he's a normal dude you know and he's just trying to do his best russell wilson truly does think he is captain america verbal that's the same picture no different no same but different no they're the same no they are they're not no not at all they're not at all jj no no no no jj watt is a normal person when you break it down like after we met him and when he like kind of copped to like ah you know like i tried a little too hard sometimes like he jj watt is just very nice and he's he's he that russell wilson is nice and he thinks he's solving the world's problems and he also think he was like i think he probably thinks he's a what no no he doesn't know he's not agreeing no disagree hank jj watt wish we could have won more for you that shared desean like no you don't j no i agree with big cat 100 jj that's just because jj walt like he came around more on you guys just because we got to know him yeah yeah yeah i'm sure yeah there's no russell you were saying the same exact thing guarantee you if we got to know russell wilson be the exact same person yep this is gq piece where he's supposed to be showing like the inside of their relationship and it could have been more cliche and yeah but that's also there's probably some sierra element of like that's a pr thing why are you why are you standing russell wilson so i'm not i'm just back he's named after two different oh do you think he's going to go to the patriots no i just it's the same picture that's that's my take no it's no way no way hey hey do you remember this i i don't think that jj watt would ever do something like this um back on it was a woman crush wednesday russell wilson got on twitter wrote a poem for ciara and said i kissed her she had honey sweet lips that were lilac soft with a loving and affectionate personality and then he tagged ciara he just googled how to describe a beautiful woman somebody typed in google how to describe a beautiful woman that's the line that came up he just like ripped it off of a surgeon jj would never do that jj watt would write a like extremely long embarrassing love letter to her mom and be like thank you for raising such a beautiful woman he would not copy and paste it's totally different hank i'm gonna send you a video after this because i i couldn't make fun of it in the moment and i still probably can't make fun of it because um it was russell wilson after a game i think was after they clinched the nfc uh west he put on a kobe jersey and did a like 10 minute video in the end zone of in seattle being like this one was for kobe and like i was thinking about kobe when i was throwing these touchdown passes in like black and white do you remember watching that was insane dude that was insane that video was insane ten percent luck twenty percent skill remember that no no no totally different the fact that you can't see the difference actually make like you don't understand the human element you don't understand human beings and in personalities what do you do don't make it short circuiting i don't i don't get this hank like it's very clear the difference they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're just they are both you know corny that's it no they're they're a little they're a little cheesy i bet russ wills i'll put it this way russell wilson would be a great stay at home dad no way you can have a real conversation with russell wilson yeah you can absolutely have a conversation with jj watt hank i we know we've we've met celebrities before you know the celebrities that are like even when you're just sitting there having a conversation it's like they can't turn it off jj walk could turn it off i mean i i think there i think russell wilson probably could too but i i think they're equal like you're you guys are giving jj watt a little too much credit i think but i am but we're comparing him to russell wilson it's it's actually pretty obvious that jj watt is half human russ wilson is just like i don't know if he's a robot or a computer program whatever he is he's he's not halfway as cool as jjy i like jj i like jason he's a good person i think jj i don't dislike jj that's what i'm saying i'm saying they're both corn balls jj's jimmy carter and russell will says pete buda judge that's how i understand that right those are sick political references i don't understand all right that was a good discussion though uh i mean just watch that video though the cobs i threw it for kobe's i was thinking i think he even said like when i went back in the in the huddle and i went back and threw that touchdown i was thinking kobe jj what at the end of the season when all the cameras were on went up to deshawn said i wish we could have won more for you man that was actually real there happened to be a camera behind the camera yes the camera but hey the difference is jj knows when the cameras are there of course but he didn't do a 10 minute video about it like being like man i was ten percent unlocked twenty percent skill he went after practice and that was hard knocks he and he admitted that that was corny he admitted that was corny he was that actually years old you should rest the case there he admitted to us that that was corny and that way that he cringes when he looks at that if you showed russell wilson his videos post game videos where he's like doing a monologue he'd be like yeah that's sweet dude he sends hype videos to his kids every day that's cool you're gonna do that too one day big cat just wait actually this is something pretty cool to send in hype up videos yeah because that's a dad move that's the other thing jj was not a dad yet wait till like you don't think he's going to turn oh you think that's do you think that's what it is the corn levels once he becomes a father oh my god all right let's get to uh let's get to dungeons and dragons oh one other thing football thing i now am fully changing my take on urban meyer i think he's gonna be very successful in jacksonville because urban meyer hiring chris doyle and being like you world it clearly is urban show that tells me right there this is urban show he gets to call the shots he hired a dude who was fired like six months ago for uh very racist things in iowa and that to me like says that urban is going to just because if there's ever a person who will just hire based on uh how they can get their team to like closer to winning and nothing else with character it's urban meyer and this hire right here tells me that he has carte blanche with who he wants to hire who he wants to bring in to just win football games that's that's fine but you remember there was another famous college coach that tried doing this like my aware of the highway thing back when he went to the nfl and didn't work out for him nick saban the players hated nick saban in the nfl it's a little bit different it's a little bit this isn't my way when you've got no no i'm saying like i understand your point of view which is uh urban meyer is saying i'm calling the shots this is my program and there's nobody checking him so he's going to do everything that he possibly can to win what i'm saying is that the person that he's bringing in might have been effective when talking to student athletes yeah college when you're talking to millionaires in the nfl it might not fly the same way but by all by all accounts he's a phenomenal strength and conditioning coach and what it tells me is less like i don't think urban's gonna tell everyone it's my way of the highway what what that hire said to me was urban meyer is back in terms of he will hire whoever he has to hire to win football games and they could be terrible people but it doesn't matter because all he cares about is winning football so i mean i hear that but i can also see like a first-time nfl coach that's a big shot used to not having anybody check them ever and being you know the warlord of whatever college town they're in at any given time coming to the nfl and realizing pretty quickly wow i can't tell everybody how to do everything all the time so we flip takes we just take swapped yeah take swapped okay we're freaky friday take swap we ended up on other sides of the table all right that's what guess what this is beautiful because now we can both be right no matter what happens both right both wrong no matter no no we'll ignore the wrong parts yeah yeah uh all right let's get to dungeons and dragons with tim woods before we do that everyone wants to keep their home and family safe whether it's from a break-in a fire flooding or medical emergency simply safe home security delivers award-winning 24 7 protection will simply say if you don't just get an arsenal of cameras and sensors you get the best professional monitors in the business they've got your back day and night ready to send police fire or emts when you need them most straight to your door simply safe has an arsenal of sensors and cameras that protect every inch of your home you can set it up yourself in about 30 minutes it's super easy then simply saves professionals take over monitoring your home 24 7 and ready to send you the help the moment there's an alarm plus was simply safe there's 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company golden colorado so make sure you check out coors light and chill out this weekend you deserve it chill out you know what fellas you haven't gotten your uh wife or girlfriend a valentine's gift get her get her get her a 12 pack of coors light and just be like let's chill out she'll love that do it and say it's from us all right here he is tim woods okay in this time we are going to continue our journey on dungeons and dragons we have uh our favorite person in the entire world tim wood back with us uh tim great to see you it's a pleasure to be here yeah i wish we were all together but we can't be uh right now but let's do it the people have been clamoring for it we said as soon as football ends we're gonna get back into dungeons and dragons so uh can we get a refresher of where we are in general uh in terms of our journey and who's alive and basically a quick background for everyone in case they forget which we all forget absolutely of course it's been a long time since our last game so to get us caught up on where we kind of left off in our story in the real world of course we were finishing up the super bowl but in the world of dungeons and dragons we had just been learning about the upcoming dragon ball the competition between groups of dragons where they sometimes compete in the skies in order to decide who will be the greatest team of 11 dragons to compete in the dragon ball and we had discovered that in addition to two dragons that we're now hanging out with kind of near the town of el torrel we had set up camp and discovered that there were two dragons whose attention we had gotten a uh evil green dragon whose name is niall aptia naya we can call her for short she kind of was chasing us and then with the help of our wizards and our weapons we had managed to take her down she surrendered and then let us know that she could help us in the raising of the dragon eggs that we had acquired from the dragon hatchery at the end of one of our recent adventures we have a total of eight dragon eggs that we had acquired and niall after the green dragon was gonna help us but she's an evil dragon luckily there had been a human woman who had shown up who turned out to be a silver dragon named elliot in disguise so now these two dragons have been kind of taking care of the eggs for us and kind of as the months have gone by i would let us know that the first exciting detail is that all eight of our eggs have hatched now so there have been these young dragons who have been growing up around us very game of thrones style and i would just want to let us know a little bit about these newborn dragons who are going to be our upcoming team as it were we've got a red blue and a green dragon we've also got two black and two white dragons who have hatched and one multicolored dragon a prismatic rainbow dragon has hatched and in theory the prismatic and the blue dragon were the only two male dragons the rest were all female except for one of the white dragons turned out to be born as non-binary so they are in theory all hatched now and they are fighting amongst themselves and kind of like clawing and playing with each other and they are very very hard to manage but all these newborn dragons are very excited for the upcoming dragon ball i don't know if we wanted to take any time naming any of these dragons or talking about how we are going about raising these dragons as proud new fathers of a dragon brood yeah a lot of work to do to take care of these dragons so i'm thinking maybe the uh the three different colored dragons they can be melo liangelo and uh and who's the third well we've got a red blue and a bonzo zonzo lonzo yeah forget about lonzo the best one so lonzo liangelo and mello maybe for those three absolutely so mellow liangelo and lonzo will be the green blue and red dragons respectively that sounds fantastic excellent and they are some of the strongest of the dragons that have hatched actually the red dragon is in theory the fire breathing dragon who is the strongest among our hatchlings with the exception of the prismatic dragon we don't really know anything about prismatic dragons and this guy is pretty strong it looks like i'm gonna do for the for the two black and two white i'm gonna do a call back for people who have been listening to part of my take for all five years so i want the two black dragons to be skip one and skip two and the two white dragons to be stephen a once and stephen a2 those are our formerly deceased frogs that we have how about stephen and stephen b and steven b there we go yeah all right absolutely we got steven a and steven b for the white dragons and skip one and skip two for the black dragons love that absolutely perfect for the multi-color we should just well i guess we got to figure out what we're going to do to it i was going to say let's name it jose canseco and kill it right now i mean it seems like it's pretty jacked up it seems big right like the steroid dragon the rock it doesn't seem powered by magic what about dwayne dwayne's a great name it's powered by magic we could go with with blaine oh or ervin yeah that's true let's go irvin magic yeah all right irvin will be her mother i love it it's magic the prismatic dragon love that so we've got names for all of our dragons you can see that niolaptia and elliot are raising their eyebrows but just shrugging their shoulders as we give these names out the dragons seem to love them and they are definitely like flying all around us landing on our shoulders they are affectionately treating us like their parents for better or worse and it does seem like this is a good team to get ready for the dragon ball but uh niall aptia and elia who have kind of become the den mothers here they are letting us know that if we're going to get this team ready for the dragon ball there's going to be a couple of steps we're going to need good need to go through and the first thing they want to let us know is that there is one entity in particular who approves teams for submission into the dragon bowl it is a powerful undead wizard known as a lich who lives at the top of a mountain all teams who make it into the dragon ball are approved by him and if you're even gonna meet with this lich you have to offer a gift and the green dragon explains that she hands us a ruby a massive ruby she says that this ruby is what you're gonna offer the lich but it's empty right now what needs to be contained in this ruby if you were going to make this lich happy and get our team entrance into the dragon bowl is you are going to need to store inside of this gemstone the soul of your most powerful nemesis and enemy and then they look at blake the griffin and coach oh who are still sir oh who are still hanging out with us right now and blake the griffin burps and a little piece of a helmet comes out of his mouth and he says ah i think i already took care of their greatest enemy and the dragons explain that's no problem because if the soul of berserker billy is missing they know how to go and get it they have found out through magic that his soul is currently bound into one of the nine hells known as awareness where apparently according to their magic all they know for sure is that right now berserker billy is locked in combat with some sort of a fiend in a never-ending battle that goes on for eternity and that fiend is simply known by the title of the chemist that's all and everybody knows that their their their name as okay interesting so billy is locked in a eternal battle with the chemist i was going to say sobriety but that's fine the chemist as well uh works um i think we just i think we just let billy fight it out just for eternity that's what he was doing i think now pft do you think though billy's not here because he told us two minutes before everyone who who says we're mean to billy billy told us two minutes before we were supposed to tape that he can't make it um so i'll just ask you pfd instead yeah what do you think what do you think billy's mindset would be going against a chemist so like legitimately going into the chemist like i was i thought he was gonna be bigger than billy but uh it turns out that billy actually had reach on him so he's like a little bit longer arms um but legitimately you have to get yourself in the mindset of like i'm gonna kill him i'm gonna kill him like i was i would be ready to kill him if i was billy and legitimately like he hit me and uh legitimately like i swung back at him and i i beat the out are you like you say took it but like legit i was ready to murder the guy okay perfect that's a thank you i feel like billy went into your body to give us that answer i started i started to feel the spirit and had to testify it was like in a pentecostal church yeah yes for a moment you were possessed by the undead spirit of billy for sure in fact they did a little spell he channeled through your mouth and you're hearing a little bit of this fight happening somewhere in the nine hells uh you are definitely aware he is locked in combat with the chemist and the chemist seems like he's putting up a decent fight right now at least okay okay great so what do we do now now the dragons explain they can open a portal for us right now if we are ready and if we pass through this portal we will end up in the nine hells in a vernis specifically the top layer of the nine elves and will be face to face with the tower of the chemist so if we want to do anything beforehand we can get ready but otherwise they can open up the portal for us right now and we can jump through and be on our way to the tower of the counts let's do it right let's go full send on their ass yeah ellia kind of crosses her arms like she doesn't like this devilish magic however i point out that hank your warlock erlich this kind of magic is your bread and butter and as they open up this infernal portal your little imp friend lola who is on your shoulder right now whispers in your ear it's gonna be weird for me to go home i never thought i'd be talking to any of these people anymore so uh just just i think i'm gonna stay hidden for a while it'll be awkward if i ran into former co-workers and stuff and so lola's getting ready to kind of hide and uh play play a little down key as it were while she's amongst her kind as it were but otherwise this pearl opens you're going to know a lot about the nine hills but as we jump through the portal boom suddenly the first thing we're noticing is the temperature changing it is boiling hot in this realm as we see rivers of lava flowing around us dead ahead there is this jagged tower rising up into the air with an open doorway in front of it but it looks like once you go through the open doorway it just drops down into a pit of lava as far as you can tell and in the distance you're seeing things like a giant statue that seems to have five dragon heads rising up in the distance on one side and a huge skull half buried kind of doom style in the sands in the distance this is not a nice place to be if we spend too long here it's going to start hurting us we think this realm but we've got a job to do the gem is glowing and it seems to be pointing us up ahead they warned us that we're gonna need to store the soul of our enemy or an equally powerful soul so we're here to get berserker billy or some other soul that might be as powerful as him but up ahead you are seeing this tower and it looks like as we get closer there's just a drop off into lava and then these trains that are going up into the air towards the higher levels of the tower unfortunately there's not one chain decline to get up to the higher levels of the tower you're going to have to jump from chain to chain and climb them it looks like and if you fail there is a pit of lava waiting hundreds of feet below and these creepy tendrils keep emerging from out of the lava so i would ask what are people doing now at this point we've got some magic spells at our disposal i would want to remind the wizard and the warlock erlich and kate that uh in theory you've got some magic that could be helpful here such as the spell feather fall if somebody falls you can cast featherfall real quick to kind of like hatch them and slow down their fall but we don't have any magic that makes us fly or anything like that so what strategy would people be using here what about the dragons can we fly on the dragons absolutely so it does seem like these young dragons while they are not fully grown are just big enough that two of them could work together to carry one of us no problem they would be strong enough to do that so does anyone want to declare that they're taking two of the dragons to help them fly around i was just thinking that if we didn't want to use the dragons like which one of our characters would be it sounds like an american ninja warrior event like a course where you just hang upside down and crawl across it do any of us have like superior grip strength yes i would point out that norm the barbarian has amazing athletics as a skill and if he is raging then he gets to roll his athletics checks two times and take the higher numbers so he's even better at that i'll leave it up to you big cat do you want the dragons well no i why don't i try to get up on my own just being an athlete skills uh just like be the inner athlete that i am i'll try to get up on my own and if and then you guys can go dragon and magic on the way up absolutely okay all right so am i rolling now 100 you're gonna roll the d20 and because you could rage i would say there's so much attack kind of stuff happening around here this is a dangerous situation that you could rage in and if you rage you get to roll two times and take the higher of the numbers okay so for everyone at home we have a dungeons and dragons dice roller uh it's on wizards.com so we're gonna click it it's it's uh a game of integrity so we're gonna click it and uh go with whatever we get so i'm going to do it twice so here we go d20 first one 12 12. that's a good second rule yeah second one 18 let's go 15 and to that 18 you get to add a plus six so you got a 24 total you are climbing up these chains no problem swing from chain to chain tarzan style and in fact you climb so high up these chains you realize you're actually starting to grab on to not chains but as you get higher up in the tower you're grabbing these tubes they seem to be almost like medical tubes with some sort of substances flowing through seams and they are like this milky uh mixture of potions that seem to be flowing through and you're like grabbing these tubes and hoisting yourself up until you are reaching almost up to a trapdoor now this trapdoor has spikes and stuff poking out of it are you going to climb through the trapdoor are you going to wait for the others to show up first what do you guys think by the way so maybe those tubes are regeneron i could use some right now it could be regeneron it could be bleach yeah something real good for you what do you guys think just go just bust through the door all right i'm gonna walk through like a champ yeah i mean i they never will join me yeah yeah okay we're busting through the door and then it's no check to just bust through the door but i am gonna need a dexterity saving throw to make sure you don't get hit by any of the spikes that you could be kind of crashing into a little bit as you force your way through the door so you're gonna another set of d20s and because of your barbarian danger sense you get to roll this two times and take the higher number again all right here we go first roll seven second roll 13. okay with the 13 and you have a plus two on your dexterity saving throw so that's a 15 total just barely you get scraped a little bit by one of the spikes but it doesn't hurt you at all and you are able to climb your way through bashing past all these spikes and forcing the door open as you climb up into this level you can see up on a stage in the center of this chamber two figures fighting one of them seems familiar one of them is someone you have never seen before but you are noticing that all of the tubes you were just climbing up that went through the floor seem to insert into his body at the elbows and at the shoulders at the neck bane batman's style he's got a mask on and it seems like there are these tubes that are just attached to the mask and since you asked about like this mixture i'd also let you normal one time to see if you know what this mixture would be that's flowing through the tubes this is not your strength so it's uh just an arcana check you have a plus zero on this before this roll i want to talk to you guys about roman or good friends at roman most guys have tried different ways to last longer in bed but counting backwards from 10 doesn't always work thinking about baseball doesn't always work the folks at roman they're an online men's health company are changing the 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though there are these bird creatures that have seen you climb up and now that you have climbed past them they're flying out to kind of look around for more people who might be climbing up or to come after you norm and you don't see what they are you just you're flapping and this strange crawling sound but who who would like to try to climb up next or or take a dragon i i feel like we gotta take we gotta take a dragon up there and i i'd like to take lonzo because like two you need two you need two i need two for each arm basically because i was just thinking like it sounds like there's some pelicans that are after you and if you want to just absolutely destroy the pelican cinlanzo over there he'll take care of all that real quick so we can get lonzo and should i take lamello yeah yes leave leave liangelo behind yeah he needs time to develop i'll take those two absolutely so you're taking the green and the red dragon they are definitely strong enough that they can carry you and you can tell the green dragon isn't having a great time uh she is a poisoned dragon and the red dragon is having a great time she's a fire dragon and so she is not bothered at all by the temperature here and so they are flying up past all the chains with you i would like you to roll one time for your two dragons just to see if they are carrying you up effectively and they get a plus four on this okay you can actually roll two times because you've got two dragons carrying you so first roll roll to 12. second roll 18 18 let's go yeah let's go let's go with a plus four that's a 22 you also are before the flapping gets too loud at all you think you see shapes emerging like gargoyles from the corners and like the alcoves of this hall of chains as it were and tubes as you fly past the chains and the tubes full of strength potion you are able to get up to the same level as norm now and you see the two combatants berserker billy in his barbarian helmet goliath size just slamming away trying to fight the fiend known as the chemist and it seems like right now berserker billy is winning okay you said that we could get we could get like the spirit of either billy back or somebody that's just as strong or maybe stronger or maybe stronger is there like a is there like a jake paul type character that's maybe a little bit bigger than billy that's fighting down there as well uh it does seem like above the two of them there is one giant fiend head who is looking down at both of them like it is judging this fight to see how it goes and just based on the shoulders that are emanating from the speed head it looks like that guy is the strongest of all of these combatants frank attack hank you up and hank which dragons would you take or do you want to use like magic to get up somehow uh can i okay are the stevens still available stephen and steven b absolutely both of the stephens are all available but she can fly on her own and both of the stevens are available uh they are not our strongest dragons but together they can absolutely carry you what i would like to see is two d20 rolls with a plus two added to each of them uh row one is a seven absolutely roll two is a five shoe i'm sorry to say that if you got a seven that's a plus two that's going to get you to nine but as you're flying up and the uh white dragons the stevens that you have gotten a hold of they are ice dragons so as they fly into this lava-filled chamber they are sweating profusely they're starting to get weaker and because you rolled a nine you can tell they are slowly losing altitude not gaining altitude i am sorry to say and when that happens you are noticing these gargoyle shapes four of them coming souping out and i'm gonna roll to see how many of them are looking at you two of them are looking at you right now and they look like little gargoyle creatures with spikes all over their bodies like porcupines as they look at each other two of them wink at each other and then look down at you with a dirty look and lola whispers in your ear those guys are real and as she says that they fire off of their tails nasty spines that hurl in your direction i am so sorry erlich but you just got hit two times by these five points of damage as one kind of like spears past your arm five points of damage is going to take you down to 26 out of 31 hp i'm sorry to say that was the attack that hit you the next attack is a critical hit it goes right into your neck just fine that's gonna hit you for seven points of damage i'm sorry to say right now you're down to 19 out of 31 hp so not very slow down but close can i just say something real quick and like no uh oh bk you're cutting out so no you can't say anything the gods of the internet have spoken it was not meant to be it's not meant to be well uh certainly erlich has been hit pretty badly now ehrlich you have some options those dragons just tried to carry you a little bit sorry big cat you're back oh yeah yeah it was i think it's because i was moving in with the background frank the tank is just taking up so much bandwidth um all i wanted to say was hank like no offense dude but you low-key suck at this game yeah i mean i'm throwing right now this is bad uh i i got no excuses i should have other than the other steven h you can blame it on the stevens it was you're just rolling for them they apparently were sweating too much right now to carry you but i would have liked to know that there were ice dragons before i rode them into the volcano but you know i said that would give as it were so unfortunately as they're getting close to the lava they're getting ready the bad news is really that if it comes to them touching lava or dropping you they'll probably drop you before they ever as so much as lay a tail inside that lava but you get one more chance you still have your action you could either launch a spell to try to fight these uh fiendish creatures that are attacking you or you could urge them onward and if you roll well on your check to urge them on you might give them another role to carry you up the rest of the way can i use my demon lola uh who's familiar with the space at all to help me out this sticky situation absolutely in fact lola gets her own turn so you can say what you're doing but also lola can either encourage these dragons to work better or you they she could send her after these two enemy fiends all right let's let's cast a spell let's not go on the offensive let's play a little you know defensive try and try and get my hp back up absolutely love it um i'll warn you unfortunately i don't think you have any healing magic available so uh you um is it one of our do we have a healer on the squad or no uh we did have a healer on the squad the hearing was berserker billy yeah not to be fair that he ever used much of it he was a war priest not a healing type priest but at the same time and and uh um sorry i should say arbard also has a little bit of healing magic available to him that is a warlock you command dark magic not really healing magic great for the offense but not so much for the healing uh so should i roll a d20 absolutely you could roll a d20 to encourage the dragons to sw to fly a little bit better if that's what you want to do all right i'll do that absolutely uh you so you're using your action your charisma check for this if you're trying to persuade the dragons that would be a plus three but i want to let you know if you are a little stern with the dragons and kind of like really like kind of um you know bad cop a little bit like tough coach type situation you can get a plus five to intimidate them into flying better i'll do that you're being a little harsh with them but still probably the better strategy considering you get a plus five on that stream of fair all right i'm rolling seven dude is there an option tim where he can just so i'll say this you uh certainly you always can certainly just like let go and drop yourself down for the team remember the opening of that mountain climbing movie where it's like one one life for two where they're hanging by a thread and one guy just kills himself so the others can survive we're kind of that situation right now you're talking about sly stallone and cliffhanger i'm talking about vertical limit oh hank just uh just take one team no survive hank you know keep fighting i'm going down fighting i don't know yeah yeah you did get to add a plus five to that seven so as long as it wasn't a two that became a seven it would go from being a seven to a twelve and with the twelve i'd let you get one more roll you encouraged one of the two stevens to fly a little bit better you can roll one more time with a plus two and if you can get a 15 or better then you fly up to where the others are but otherwise you are continuing to sink as it were or if you get a 10 or higher you're at least not but again no he didn't ain't got a bad score i got a 14. no you did it i didn't i needed a better game was that a 14 including the plus two the dragon gets it's a 14. you frauds but before is that before you added the plus two for what the dragon gets yes does that mean it's a 16 total then with the plus two so with a 16 total that is enough you are able to fly up to where the others are these dragons like dropping you off on the top layer of the tower we see a giant horned fiend looking down at berserker billy and the chemist battling each other well done this is like the scene in uh almost famous when the plane doesn't crash like oh yeah we're happy you're back hank um very proud of you yeah good job we always we always wanted you to keep fighting and that means we got uh two of us i believe on this layer so far and we need to get wayne and cake up to the top layer of the tower as well luckily you've got the spell that if somebody does fall you can catch them with feather fall but i'm wondering who wants to go next i i feel like i should go next since jake is the last one like he can he can always save us from below that seems like the right move here right correct absolutely okay yeah so i'll i'll head up there and are you taking any particular dragons with you uh i don't like i don't like how the uh lamello and l'angelo i don't like how they responded i might take magic can i take magic up there or urban excuse me absolutely if you take your friends to your surprise ervin the prismatic dragon can carry you by himself he is so strong even though he's not the biggest of the dragons he grabs you by the shoulder picks you up and you are carried by just urban oh yeah hell yeah but urban's just gonna get one roll in that case and if he's carrying you up you can roll a d20 plus five okay here we go i'm rolling right now i got a 10 so plus five would be 15. okay 15 is just barely enough you see the kind of gargoyle fiends as they're swooping around but you are just barely able to get up to the same level as norm and ehrlich now and irwin's obviously working pretty hard but does seem to be immune to fire damage as he is carrying you up to the top layer of the tower and dropping you off there good stuff and uh just so you know that was your move but to get up there you can also use an action if you want you still have your action available and you can use your bonus action to inspire somebody coach style okay i think i think i'd like to inspire uh berserker billy like i i want to play can i play let's go by little john absolutely you start playing let's go and you see berserker billy just start like swinging to the tune of the song basically like he's getting into it and uh the chemist is getting very frustrated it seems as he gets inspired well done and if you want to cast any spells you certainly could with your action just a reminder wayne you have spells like disguise self to make you look like a different person uh thunder wave blasts people back unseen servant creates a little invisible friend who can move things around for you and uh i feel it's important to mention vicious mockery you insult someone so bad that they get a little psychic damage i mean i think they're attacks i think i'm gonna have to go with vicious mockery i'd like to absolutely i'd like to mock the chemist uh considerably i'd like to mock him very hard absolutely are you saying anything in particular to the chemist to mock him uh yeah i'll be like hey tell me the story about how you didn't sleep with madonna again that that really true one that we all remember yeah tell us that story about how you're a genetic freak even though you spent the last 40 years doing steroids yeah i'd like to say all that absolutely he failed his saving throw quite fittingly against that insult you get to roll the d4 that's gonna be the die kind of at the top of the dice roller and let me know how much damage you get on that d4 i got a two with two points of damage the mighty chemist almost completely falls over but he doesn't no he seems like he's gonna go down in a single hit but instead he is getting a little insulted takes the two points of damage and then roars but you can tell his attacks now he is taking disadvantage on them because you got in his head and he is so messed up right now uh tim quick question the chemist do you think that do his punches have power i mean they do seem to have some power but but not as much as much as you would have expected a lot of stories about the chemist and like he almost just went down to two points of damage and like you're thinking that berserker billy is actually doing really well in this fight it's i mean you can roll an insight check on the chemist to see if you think he is intentionally not doing as well as he could but it's hard to tell right now can we roll can we roll an inside check on berserker billy to see if billy is like actually ready to kill this guy like what kind of mentality he's in in the ring uh 100 i will let you do one inside check this will really be maybe for the dragon who carried you up he still has his actions so you can go ahead and roll it and yeah and let me actually just see what your insight check would be wayne just to make sure it wouldn't be better than the dragons if so no the dragons is better so you roll with a plus three and the dragon will be letting you know if he thinks berserker billy is uh giving it his all okay so i i'm rolling uh is this a d20 does it be a d20 plus three okay d20 is an 18 plus three is a 21. so i can i just predict what i think urban magic the dragon would say 100 what does he say it will be very exciting to see what happens when berserker billy steps into the ring with a chemist the chemist is a former mlb all-star and berserker billy well he's got the part of my take as on his side exclamation point absolutely you can tell he's letting you know the only thing that's making this workability so powerful is the encouragement of his friends the moment he saw all of you he's like oh i really gotta impress these guys now and he is absolutely swinging way harder okay cool cool definitely i love it and he gave inspiration to berserker billy certainly so you know everything the uh that irwin is saying is abs urban saying it's absolutely true uh because he's using your inspiration now to get himself a little bit stronger love it and then that and that gets all of us up to the level except for cake cake in theory i think you were up next to fly up to the top layer actually yeah let's do it i gotta join the squad absolutely now cake i do want to let you know that you do have the feather fall spell in case you fall you've got the best way to kind of save yourself as it were um and uh you can do that as a reaction if you want but how would you be trying to initially get up there you don't have the fly spell yet you're close to getting it but not quite there but uh what would you like to do in theory what other options do i have absolutely you could take the dragons if you want and in theory uh i would also say that there is a second level spell called levitate that you might have but levitate doesn't just carry you up and down it kind of makes you like zero gravity a little bit if you have levitation cast on you then it's kind of like being in space station you can only bounce off walls so levitation is sometimes sometimes a little dangerous it's kind of like if you're stuck in the middle of nowhere without anything to touch you're just kind of floating uh uh the um outer space style all right let's we'll try taking the dragons absolutely a little bit safer maybe to take the dragon and you want to take any dragons in particular up with you who are the options left uh so far it looks like the red and the green and both white dragons have already been taken on a ride so we've got the two black dragons skip one and skip two and we've got the blue dragon uh lee angela what do you guys think should we bring the ball brothers back together or leave them hanging i'd say leave them hanging i think they're bosses i'll be honest yeah ready to move on from these dragons asap all right so we're going back to skip skip one absolutely so you're taking skip one and i presume skip two as well yeah absolutely the two black dragons skip one and skip two are acid dragons and are actually not having the worst time in the pits of averness there's a lot of like acid rain and stuff here that they're ignoring they're not feeling great about it absolutely they're tripping balls in circles like look at that so that's pretty cool that looks crazy right now and you as they are carrying you get to roll 2d 20s with a plus three added to each of them these are not the strongest dragons but they're a little bit stronger than the white dragons a little bit weaker than the green and the red dragons first roll 13. okay so far so good because you have a plus three on that that's a 16 so it's going to get you there let's see if you do any better on the second rule 14 14 all right with a 14 plus three that's going to be 17 that is enough to carry you up the rest of the way so we are all gathered now landed on the top floor of the tower of the chemist and we can tell that those gargoyle fiends who are below us right now are now flying around crawling at each other and they're getting ready to fly up through the trap door and come after us so as they're getting ready to fly into the room we can hear them on the way but they're not getting to attack us just yet and that's their move right now meanwhile berserker billy is going to get to attack the chemist on his turn so i would ask did anyone here want to be responsible for rolling for berserker billy or would would you like me to roll i'll i'll do it i'll roll i'll roll now uh a one hey no actually i did just roll it was a three i swear to god it was a three it was a dangerous role he has a plus five on his attack with his war hammer but an eight is not gonna do the trick the attack glances off the kind of shoulder plate that the chemist is wearing uh and then berserker billy winds up and with his divine strike ability he does get to attack one more time so if you want to make another attack for him he could he doesn't have to be four i swear to god within nine once again the promise just knocks this attack back unless with that nine you could invoke the inspiration no no a wayne had given no he's just not listening to his friends encouraging them on right now and unfortunately berserker billy just missed with both of those attacks so that would bring us to the chemist's turn next and when the chemist goes the first thing he does is let out a roar he is feeling really bad after the insults that were thrown at him by wayne the bard he obviously does not take that criticism very well and he grabs a lever on the floor and with one roar yanks the lever and from the walls we see the tubes that are emerging from the walls behind him suddenly start to fill with a mixture it races through the tubes and then as it enters his body bane style he starts growing bigger and bigger and bigger and as his muscles grow before our very eyes he is soon towering over berserker billy and he is going to swing two attacks at berserker billy both of which miss and so he's swinging berserker is knocking those attacks aside but neither one of these enemies has injured each other just yet but tim isn't isn't the chemist like really big and so like when he punches billy you think that that would like legitimately hurt him oh absolutely if it were to connect with berserker billy would probably throw berserker billy back okay it looks like one of those attacks got very close to hitting berserker billy but he just barely knocked that the attack out of the way okay depending on what we do next we might be able to influence this fight a little bit it seems like they are truly locked in eternal combat near them really hitting each other just yet but uh up next norm or we're not worried too much about turn order today but norm if you want to go next you are the first to get up here okay here we go um rolling mm-hmm i'm live yes absolutely norm would you be rushing up to attack either the chemist or berserker billy or would you be trying to stop the flying themes who are trying to get into the room with us um shoot what should i do guys so the only thing i'm thinking is we might just try to make the chemist and berserker friends because the things that are coming up and bothering us okay so i'll fight those yeah because the more that they kind of stay in the same location they're fighting each other i think there's a good chance that berserker and the chemist become like real close okay so let me fight the the other things that are coming up at us and leave them to just like grow out with each other 100 love it uh that's perfect because there is one of these winged gargoyle fiends coming flying up through the trap or right in time for you to swing your great sword so far you said you had rolled a five but let me find the question would you want to make that a reckless attack if it's right yes then you get to roll two times but if the theme attacks you they're also going to get to roll two times to the higher number all right i'll roll again i'll roll again roll one more time 18 great roll yes this is gonna be a hit against the fiend and if you want to go ahead and roll two d sixes and add plus five to the result that's going to be your total damage for this okay here comes roll one for the d6 one not good roll two two also not good so not good so three damage and yeah you don't have anything to pump that up but three plus the five damage you get for raging that's eight damage against the fiend unfortunately as your sword cuts through this fiend you think you are only for some reason dealing four points of damage instead of eight as though this fiend is resistant to your weapons it seems but still four points of damage injures this thing a little bit and then you still get to swing again with your bonus action if you want you are a frenzying barbarian and so you can do two attacks per turn okay all right so am i rolling the d20 you're rolling another pair of d20s because you are still reckless right now 15 is the first one five is the second okay so we'll use the 15. we're getting a plus six on this attack roll and that is absolutely a hit again against the theme so go ahead and roll your damage again now 2d six plus five okay okay three okay one again god damn it so four plus five is going to be nine damage half down to four again means that so far the fiend has gotten eight damage on them the theme looks like they are more than halfway down but not quite down just yet as they fly to the room they look down at you norm and they get a teeny little pitchfork ready like they are planning on stabbing you with it as they caught you and threatening you with their spiky tail as well unless somebody attacks this theme they are going to be attacking at the end of our terms but so far that's that's norm's turn and they're going to target norm it looks like his norma's gone reckless he's easier to hit now yeah so who would like to go next in theory the second person to fly in i think had been ehrlich yeah wanna help me out yeah i'll go next uh hank are you sure you're able to get off the ground i i do you know i i wouldn't really want to help big cat but he just said some pretty mean things but no no no no no no no no one turn ago i need my other options big cat it's my turn please norm sorry what other besides playing defense what other options do i have absolutely you could try to fight these fiends who are swarming up from the trapdoor you could also get involved in the fight happening between the chemist and berserker billy i mention this because both you and the bard have high charisma for influencing people's thoughts and stuff so if you're trying to make someone like feel worse in this fight or the two of them to become buddy buddy or something like that you have a plus five on intimidate for like threatening people and you have a plus three on deception for tricking people or things like that i i guess i'll be the bigger warlock and uh and help help help defend dan i don't like hank i don't like how you're holding that over our heads though like you're making it seem like just just for going along with it i am all right well yeah you guys tried to kill me you guys told me to give up last time we didn't try to kill you we just suggest that you kill yourself right but i'm not yeah that's not i didn't i didn't i wasn't rooting for you to die hank i said at some point you're just so bad that you should just yeah ois yet i'm still alive we were just rooting for you to finally get it so we didn't have to come out and actually tell you all right i'm gonna i'm gonna d up should i roll d20 absolutely what you can do is you know that against these fiends who are resistant to weapons your eldritch blast attack will deal full damage to them so if you want to you can do eldritch blast and if you really want you could use your bonus action to put a hex on one of these speeds and there is only one in the room so far but if you hit a hexed fiend then in theory you deal a little extra damage do you want to use up a hex right now yep let's throw the kitchen sink out of them absolutely then you roll a d20 plus six to see if you hit this oh yeah it's a 20. oh it's a natural 20 that's a 26 total you hit this fiend right in the face and as it's getting hit by your eldritch blast your patron who is a devil themselves in fact maybe you even hear a booming laughter from the top of the tower as though it's that giant face who is giving you this extra power you see it grow bigger and bigger and it is going to be probably exploding this fiend from within let's see your damage and your normal damage would be 1d10 now it's going to be 2d 10 because you critical hit and for hexing it will be 1d6 but that becomes 2d6 because it's a critical hit so 2d 10 plus 2d6 i just want to say i never stop believing in hank look at the dance what are you doing is that a gamer chair uh yeah do you have a chair designed for gamers uh what i mean what they're not like podcasting chairs pmt what what else would i get it's just called the floor yeah it's called your mom's couch yeah i'm good i'm good with that all right so where are we at good job hank thank you thank you uh my name is norm though i mean no i'm not thanks earlier i'm the one with the raging boner yeah and erlich if you want to roll your damage your damage is going to be 2d 10 for the eldritch blast and then for the hex that you cast on the speed you get an extra 2d6 added on to that so roll the d10 you're gonna roll the d10 two times add it together and then the d6 two times added together and that's your total damage all right d10 one is a six 210 two is an eight eight fourteen so far and then the d6 you said and then to d6 two times because you critical hit d6 one is a four d6 two is a two eighteen became twenty so with twenty damage that fiend explodes and sends spines porcupine spines hitting the rocks and the walls all around us well done ehrlich you have finished off that fiend and i'll just ask at that point if you want lola to do anything lola says i don't want anything to do with those fiends but i might mess with those two over there but she follows your orders you can tell her to do whatever you want can i have her like go up to the to the dead bodies and like teabag them just you know insult the injury all right she has a scorpion tail so she's invisible but you know that what she's doing is dipping the scorpion stinger into the mouth of this oh yeah as and that is eternally amusing to her because the spine the devils are a little bit stronger and tougher than her so this is a fun opportunity she faces she loves it love it absolutely and that would bring us then to wayne's turn next wayne what would you like to do against these either involved in the fight that's happening between berserker billy and uh the chemist or with these three remaining fiends who are about to come swarming up to us good question so uh part of me feels like we should cut our losses now that hank's still on top like hank just had the turn of his life and he's like a running back that like you know he has a great season you don't want to pay him a lot of money because he'll probably never reach that peak again can we can i encourage hank to go on a vacation or like to just go leave for a while you certainly could uh generally because you're rolling a persuasion check on another player i kind of leave it to the other player to say like i will be convinced with a 15 or higher or i will be convinced with a 20 or higher i can't control what hank does so uh you might want to ask hank how likely he is to be okay actually no here's what i'd like to do i'd like to um encourage erlick to go uh produce the the show that uh berserker billy and the chemist are coming up with together in the ring i feel like they should go to like go move to florida uh someplace sunny [Laughter] that's the case i would like to jump head first into the lava all right all right all right here's what i'll actually do i i'd like to try to kill the remaining things flying around now you said that magic had immunity to something it seems like they are not resistant to magic damage it's weapons that they seem to be immune to now you can also roll an arcana check to determine what you think could hurt them the most maybe and you have a plus three on arcana okay otherwise we think magic works okay on them all right so my my dragon irvin uh he's a magic dragon so i think that he will i'm just gonna go with him let's let's roll with his magic i want to let you know that right now you say irwin go get him you have magic and he goes i'm not fighting anybody go ahead and roll a persuasion check on urban to make sure that you get to use his attacks instead of your own and so go ahead and roll your persuasion is uh you got a plus five on this you're very persuasive okay d20 right and you hatched him so roll two times and take the higher number on the d20 first one's 17 pretty good that's gonna do the trick but let's see if you get a critical hit the second one was six six okay so we'll take the 17 plus five that's a 22 urban goes i'm not gonna ah right five okay and you see him fly over to you said the rest of these fiends you wanted him to attack is that right yeah he's able to catch all of them in a cone breath weapon that when he opens his mouth rainbows of light begins shooting out and it seems like the red light hits one of the fiends and covers it in fire some of the purple light hits one of the fiends and that seems to create like a sort of sparkling effect around them that melts them it's like it's causing all their uh veins to like wither up uh there's a blue light that's hitting that's causing ice damage it's all kinds of damage but i'm gonna roll sailing through each of these beans one of them got hit really bad the other ones are doing okay on their saving throws but go ahead and roll 6d6 worth of damage against these enemies uh and you can even kind of like on the virtual dice roller move it so that it like adds up all the six d6s for you you can like use the drop down menu or just roll the d6s and add them up okay uh that might be too challenging for me i'm gonna roll six okay first one first one three second one one four so we're at eight two two that's ten and we're two thirds of the way there four four fourteen another four another four so 18 damage finishes off one of the themes he just falls from the sky that'd be the one who took ice damage probably and then that'll be the one who took lightning damage from the yellow beam because they are not immune to lightning and then the other two seem like they are taking nine points of damage from that and that is almost bringing them down but not quite they did okay on their saving throws against that breath weapon but well done urban takes out one of the fiends and there are two left who are badly injured now at this point and that used up your move for sure you still have your bonus action and you could cast a spell if you really wanted to up to you hmm i'd like to uh can i can i inspire cake on his next turn yes you could absolutely cake is now going to be inspired so cake's a journalist right great move great move i'd like i'd like to buy him i'd like to buy him a diet coke and put on ice and and let him know that bruce springsteen actually wasn't uh over the legal limit for his dui it was a it was a cop that that put his foot on the scale a little bit and gave him an extra point six points absolutely you're handed the the the pepsi and uh you feel inspired cake absolutely and you'll get to add some extra bonuses to your attacks or saving throws when you need them uh and that will bring us then to your turn cake now cake you also got landed up here we're all in the same room now uh you can do something in relation to this fight that's happening or you can do something about the last two fiends who are trying to come in and attack us and then we should finish the job yeah because this could be the last turn for this session so let's let's choose wisely here jake yeah yeah i'm gonna finish the job and try to knock out those fiends absolutely you got a couple of spells that could finish off these fiends your magic missile spell you could launch magic missiles and send two in one of the fiends and two at the others or you could hit them both at the same time with a thunder wave blast you clap your hands and a sonic boom sends them flying backward do you have a preference between those two they'll just do the song but that's the sonic boom sounds funny absolutely sonic boom is probably an element that they are not resistant to and i will roll their saving throws they both failed their saving throws this time and cake you get to roll 2d8 damage unless you want to charge this up to second level and then it would be 3d8 let's charge let's triple charge yeah absolutely go ahead and roll three d eights those are the ones that look kind of like two pyramids stacked up on each other yep seven oh great start one one five five absolutely that is enough that both of the themes as they try to fly up through the entrance to start doing their attacks right after your turn the two of them get thrown backward crash into spikes on the walls and then fall down into the lava below and are not seen again we took care of all of the fiends yes trying to attack us well done and then in that case berserker billy would be up next would you like to attack for berserker billy yeah sure i'll do it real quick uh honestly i'm doing it honestly six six is a good with another plus five gonna bring him up to 11. that's not quite going to be a hit unless he uses his inspiration which he could all right no that um do i roll again for him you can roll again for his second attack 16 16 is going to be with a plus five a hit with a 21. well done for berserker billy he will get to roll 188 plus two damage against the chemist all right he's rolling a d8 it's four all right with four points of damage the chemist think gets hit in the shoulder by this little hammer blade and immediately his muscles seem to be shrinking down as these tubes got knocked off of his body not by billy but just by him falling over kind of no no and berserker billy seems ecstatic he's jumping up and down there's a light in his eyes a child-like glow that you have never seen before and he fully does believe that he is so excited i will ask are we doing anything to either influence his enthusiasm or to the chemist or anything like that i know billy's got enough enthusiasm yeah we're just we're just kind of ignoring him for a little bit right now and hoping he's having a fun time and then i think we just send the the chemist back to his car wash absolutely it does seem like the chemist should have a lot more hit points but he's just lying there and seems to be dragging himself away from the arena and berserker billy turns to us and it seems like he feels so powerful now after that fight he's ready to charge each of us however we do know that he is not berserker billy in his body we are looking at berserker billy the soul who has descended to avernus and right now if we were to point that ruby at him we could try to trap him in the ruby ghostbusters style is that what we'd like to do let's you know what let's leave a cliffhanger let's decide when we come back next time we'll have billy in attendance and we'll i i don't want to kill billy for the 10th time without him being here it might be that to trap him like a pokemon we need to actually like fight him a little bit so next time when we have berserker billy we will end with him turning to charge us and i would assume it will be ehrlich probably who'd be the best one to be holding the ruby to try to trap him this would be a warlock magic in particular and he's going to be the best equipped to trap berserker billy but we're going to need to fight him first perfect well thank you too it's great to see you we miss you yes let's not wait so long yeah you're the best you're the best in the biz tim we really appreciate it and we'll uh yeah we'll see you soon we'll we'll do another one within the next month i appreciate getting to come back this is fun absolutely looking forward to seeing you all again all right thanks thanks tim take care have a great evening bye all right see ya thanks dungeons and dragons was brought to you by our great friends over at manscaped fellas we're in the thick of winter storms are brewing looks like one to three inches on the forecast when you trim that hibernation bush that's taking place in your pants luckily our partners at manscape specialize in products to make sure you're walking around town with beautiful snowballs manscaped is here to provide you the best 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the crop reviver it's a spray-on toner for your balls it's made with soothing aloe and witch hazel extracts make your balls look up at you and say thanks so get 20 off and free shipping with the code take at manscape.com they have a lot of other amazing men's hygiene products on their website uh check them out at manscape.com excuse me promo code take promo code take get 20 off all right let's wrap up fire fest of the week i think we got some big ones uh pft would you like to start yeah sure well first of all uh guoshi fatsai it's lunar new year today we didn't say that at the top but i just realized so you're the ox you're the actor this year um yeah my fire fest is that uh darren revell doesn't look like he's gonna fight me anymore and i wanted to make it happen i told barcelo i said i will do it for zero dollars and i removed all stipulations anytime anywhere i will fight denver belle anytime anywhere uh turns out that darren i don't even know if he talked to anybody dave said he didn't talk to darren maybe he called and spoke with somebody else uh but darren is saying that the fight's off i don't know about all that you just tell me wherever to show up i will show up and fight daryville he just loves being talked about he's addicted to being discussed and he loves the attention and so me personally i know that we've banned him from the show i'm gonna ban his name from the show there we go i listen i i i feel like i know this guy so well at this point because he's been playing the same tricks over and over he's the loophole king he's the talk about king if people follow the line i'm going to have pft's back here because i know that he's there's got to be he hasn't told me but there's got to be some frustration with how this played out revell essentially just came from the clouds and said i want two million dollars to fight pfd revell said that we didn't say that he didn't say that revell said that now of course he wants two million dollars because what he really wants is for barstool to talk about him and keep him relevant for six months and guess what whether you you think that that's fair or not you know i understand the the argument i want to see this fight i get it unfortunately they are a competitor we're in the gambling world he's in the gambling world we're not going to give someone else in the gambling world six months of free you know run and especially not a guy who is going to take advantage of it and be really annoying every step of the way and then on top of it although all that give him two million dollars so it makes sense in my eyes and remember he was the one who came out of the clouds and started this whole thing not pft i want to fight this fight i want to make that very clear i want to fight darren ravel darin if if you want to find a different place do it anytime any place i will show up i will fight darrenville i need maybe like an hour notice just to get my together get my wedding shoes on but no no no no no here's a butt here's a butt when he tweets us tomorrow we have to ignore him because the biggest mistake we made was even engaging him on tuesday night when he started this whole thing because the minute you engage him the minute you give him you know credibility here and then he just talks about it and talks about and talks about it and he loves the fact that we're talking about him right now and it makes me sick to my stomach but we're here and we were forced into this so i'm i have had the policy of just ignoring him for a very long time and it's worked great i will not be replying to him the only thing i will say is anytime anywhere if he wants to fight me i will show up and i will kick his ass and i will do it with a smile on my face this is actually a fight that i really wanted to have happen i even told dave i was like whatever you can do to make it happen please make it happen because i want to fight him so it looks like it's not going to happen but you're right darren is like he's like a homeless neighborhood cat that shows up on your porch starts meowing really loudly in the middle of the night you open up a can of tuna one time for him and you put it on the porch next thing you know he's spraying your windows down with his butt cheeks and then your neighbors are walking by being like why won't you let that cat inside it's really unhappy and seems to really love you well guess what not mentioning darren revell's name ever again we've got jake jake march has made darren ravel obsolete the only thing that jake can't do that darren revell does is catch these hands and darren time and place any time any place i will show up and hit you okay he's gonna he's gonna keep like go baiting you i'm done no i'm done do you only you are you though are you the only further gotta be really done like he's gonna bait you on twitter and people are gonna be like trying to get you're not gonna be able to handle it only further communication i will make with darren revell is catch these hands anytime you want any time the answer kft let's go through a simulation yep okay two months from now we don't say anything getting no clout he's feeding some clout and he says hey pft i heard you're too much of a coward to fight me i tried to and your guys are the reason we didn't what happened okay so what i do is i reply to him at darren ravel anytime any place but then at the last second before hitting send i delete the act darren revell and i just tweet to nobody in particular anytime anyplace okay all right good i also was gonna say maybe you just need to kick the out of jake to get this out of your system no i was gonna say i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for darren that's not true that was that's a it's a coincidence what if i what if i just took jake hostage and i was like darren for every week that goes by that you do not fight me i'm gonna break another one of jake's bones we need you know what we need is we need jake to give you the robin williams it's not your fault speech while you break down and you're just like you're right it's not it's not listen i'm fine i'm just done replying to him it sucks i hope you're right i hope that's true it looks like i didn't want to fight because i want nothing more in mind what he does he's the king of loopholes he's the king of tricks and when i said king is semantics just gotta ignore when i said i wanted to wipe his account off of twitter i was doing that to try to raise the stakes a little bit um and the second that he made it clear that he would not accept that i'm like fine let's just do it your way i will give all that up you can get paid whatever you work out with dave you name the time and the place i'll show up and beat you up anytime anywhere can't do it he's the king of loopholes just forget about him uh jake your fire fest are you gonna get beat up by pft now maybe i'll i'll take it though you can use your punching bag very cool um so we're obviously working from home this week um i've had this box in my apartment on open since october it's just a chair like a lounge chair extra seat if i ever have guests and i kept putting it off for four months because i didn't want to put it together i finally opened it today and it was all put together i literally just needed to open the box for four months no no construction was needed no way though like that's fire it's like a reverse fire fest right i think this is like this is fire fest yeah that's amazing holy i have the chair folded and no construction was needed that's awesome yeah um all right my firefighters i have coveted yeah it's pretty straightforward it pretty much sucks oh it's loki not a great time like i know i don't want to be the 7 millionth media person to be like hey guys i got kovid it's no joke take it seriously but it is no joke and you shouldn't take it seriously uh a peak athlete like myself i've had trouble breathing all week it has not been fun i've been we've been i've literally just done this show and after we hang up i'm like gassed beyond belief so it's no joke have you heard that that people who smoke cigarettes actually have a better time with covid than people that don't yeah i don't know i don't know if that's true i just know that uh it sucks and i really wish i didn't have it and it sucks not seeing my family and it sucks being sick and being out of breath and uh yeah this thing is no joke so there it is i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll say it this thing is no joke they also said that uh it can lead to erectile dysfunction down the line i don't want you to think about that but i already have low t so i'm been hanging out something to talk about no tea can be taken out of my body more tea uh hank what's your fire fest uh my fire fest is there's a petition people are people are calling for my resignation as a commissioner of stool streams because we can't get the championship done there is yeah i signed it i texted hank the other day like everybody's very mad people are which is relatively fair like i don't it's funny and it's like you know it is what it is that we can't do championship until we get covered clear but jake is like actually upset for me which i appreciate yeah the nfl got it got it seasoned in what's your problem that's i mean yeah they got it here but they had to make some schedule adjustments right yeah but they got the super bowl and when the super bowl was scheduled okay because they didn't have any covert issues yeah i mean no they just they buried him like you should have killed me before i had a chance to get covet yeah so these people need to back off hank he has no control over who gets coveted so relax who would you want me to add him to the list you want me to add him to the list of people that i'll shame if i die i'll die in their face please those people listen if you sign that fuckingchange.org you better hope i wake up tomorrow morning because if i don't it's on your head there it is the first one i've been throwing thrown around my death at people's face all week it's been great change.org first result when i type in lockwood get mr lockwood fired i know this is just this is a middle school principal petitioned to students at paul revere charter middle school to get mr lockwood fired no relationship also it's interesting because the people who are complaining jenga is not happening are probably the same people who are commenting nobody watches this right of course of course so i mean the reality of the situation is that hank is probably the best person at barstool to get something like this pulled off with his organizational skills like it's funny to think about but hank actually is joking hank is one of the more i'm trying to give you a compliment i'm saying like i mean what do they want they want to like young pageviews will surely be able to get this tournament in a timely fashion by the way the one uh thing that i've had to to like reckon with this week is that maybe i shouldn't joke all the time because i've had multiple people florio being the biggest case of florio texted me and he was like do you really have covet or is it a bit and i just want to be like i have i have warped this person mike florio's brain so much that when he sees that i have covid he probably thinks i'm trying to get his fantasy football team out of him yeah like that's that's a bad place to be like so i i i'm gonna have to reassess some things after that no just do you man i think i think you're fine oh man it's a good it's i mean it's a good way to just tell people to not be mean to you about i mean i did that tweet on wednesday night i was like i'm going to sleep because i have to fight covet in my sleep so if wisconsin loses nebraska like don't be mean about it you're going to make me die yeah i also i also don't have covid and i'm it's a pre-fire fest for when i do get it yeah you're low-key heated about it right i'm telling you bro you don't want it i i just once we yeah i mean i'm not gonna say i want it but like it sounds like you're saying that i would like you definitely sound like you want it yeah i'm nervous i would like you saw the way things are going i feel like i'm going to go back to the office next week and there's going to be i'm going to like get it and then we're going to push toolstreams off again this is something that you say now but i would sacrifice my health no no no take that back no you say you say that now but post mostly you would look back on this and be like it was not worth it yeah if you die if you get covered and die i'm gonna like make it my personal uh life's mission to have the jenga championship never take place like you can't play it oh we're making jake so uncomfortable with this conversation he's named the show after me jake doesn't like the depth jokes jake you better hope i don't die tonight dude just name the trophy after me please yeah jake what time are you going to text me in the morning and make sure i woke up 9 30 a.m okay all right uh all right should we do numbers do you have the numbers no i'm sorry that the only way i can deal with serious issues just make more jokes on top going 18. whoa 13. all right double 18. all right i changed 73 i want to see what jake's about 99 8. uh am i pulling it up yeah oh oh i can do it i can do it i think jake's the most trustworthy i wouldn't i mean honor system like with tim i wouldn't your case actually uh if i lie about this then i deserve to die tonight and all right here we go everyone got their numbers 99 18 what was it 8 13. liam 73 yeah three 16 16 16 september 22nd november 17th 3p all right uh i guess everyone have a great weekend and we'll see you guys in our new year yeah lunar new year watch out for the winter storm is it is this one named i don't know winter storm football team yeah sorry that billy wasn't here and he couldn't tell you about his fight guys uh turkeys believe in god love you guys when i got i went into wars warm mode because out in the ring war time i was in you guys don't know i was literally like in work i went into a mental state and like when jose like punched me he didn't have a lot of power and i just knew like i was low-key i was just as tall as him so like legitimately when you get into a boxing room with somebody you legitimate like i thought that the only way out was i had to kill him like i was that's why i brought that guy with a gun that's the mindset that you have like you guys don't know because you weren't there but like you have to flip a switch and you have to be like i'm gonna kill this guy i'm actually gonna kill him like i was prepared to kill him in the boxing ring all right see everyone one day love you guys you

Channel: Pardon My Take

Views: 38,567

Keywords: Barstool, Barstool Sports, Sports, Grit, PMT, Bigcat, Big Cat, Barstool PFT, PFT, Barstool Big Cat, Pardon My Take, Pardon My Take Barstool, PFTCommenter, Funny, Podcast, Gritweek, Big, Comedy, PFT Commenter, dungeons and dragons, tom brady, billy football

Id: vaCIgAr_vqE

Length: 108min 48sec (6528 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 13 2021