Hi everyone, I am Sam. I was recently diagnosed with autism as an adult, and I now make videos about autism, neurodiversity, and exploring the autistic experience right here on YouTube every week. Today I want to talk about autism and driving and how the two interact and impact each other, because I get asked about that a lot. I passed my test in 2017, which was three years ago for those of you watching from the future. (I really hope 2020 worked out okay.) But it was very exciting and very important to me when I passed my test, because I do struggle with public transport for a variety of different reasons related to my autism. So passing my test and learning to drive was really great for my independence, because my husband has been driving for 15 years, and I really didn't want him to have to drive me places for the rest of my life. Now before we begin: a disclaimer. Aha. Not all autistic people can and will be able to ever drive, and that's okay. Transport in general, whether it's by car, public transport, walking, cycling, is an accessibility issue on a wider level. And many of the systems are designed, really, without autistic or disabled people in mind. So I'm certainly not here to judge anyone's choices, or abilities, or whatever. Transport in general is hard for autistic people. And of course, this is my own experience. This is my own story, and other autistic people might have different issues with driving, and some might have no issues with driving at all. Was that even a proper disclaimer? I think I'm losing my touch. So let me tell you my story. I've gone from being a very hesitant driver to [an] extremely anxious one, and I'm finally at a place where I do, actually, genuinely, enjoy driving. I grew up in the UK where you can start to learn at age seventeen, and I had such a fear of failure at that age, as well as a fear of the road in general, and just a general lack of trust in myself and my own abilities. And so that was the reason I didn't take lessons as soon as I could. I first took some driving lessons when I was nineteen. But I honestly never really believed that I would pass. Not because my driving was bad, per se, but just because I was kind of a mess at that age. It was a big transition from school to University, so I really wasn't in a very good headspace to be learning something like that anyway. And obviously I was undiagnosed back then which really would have helped me understand the problems that I was having, and why I was having those problems. So I think I took, like, ten lessons and then basically made excuses like, "Oh it's too expensive and I'd rather spend the money on travel." After I met my now-husband a few years later, I started to learn again with his encouragement. I had this beat-up little Fiat Punto that sometimes ran (until it didn't) and my husband helped me practice while I took some lessons. And this was in southwest London, which is an incredibly stressful place to learn to drive anyway. I didn't have a particularly good click with my instructor, and life was stressful in a lot of other ways. We were living in an unfamiliar area, I didn't have a good support network in the in the area, and I was struggling to find work. So it was a really difficult time all around, and it was difficult for my mental health as well. And I really think that that contributed to a lot of my difficulties at the time. But I was so obsessed with driving being a sort of "grown-up" thing and I pushed myself because "everybody else was doing it, so why can't I?" "What was wrong with me?" And I see now, looking back with kindness, that it just wasn't the right time for me to learn. [babbling baby noises] So after enough lessons, my instructor and I both felt like I was ready. I passed my theory test, which was fine because I'm very good at written tests. And then I took my practical test, and I basically kind of had a panic attack out of nowhere, it seemed. I was sweating so hard during the test that beads of sweat were dripping into my eyes, and I more or less thought I was just gonna hold it together, until right at the end another learner driver was stopped after a junction on a double red line, and the examiner didn't think I was stopping in time, so she basically took the wheel and slammed on the brakes herself. And at that point, I broke down crying. Like, I actually can have panic attacks completely contained. So nobody sees anything from the outside
(which is frustrating I think). But this is this examiner was awful. She was just literally the worst person ever and I hope karma slaps her in the face. But anyway, at the end she was sort of like, "Well you didn't even pass anyway. "Because there was one point where you went 'round a bend slightly too fast," You know. And so I just had this horrible experience with this woman, and, you know, a slightly traumatic experience on the road although that wasn't really, like, it wasn't like a near-miss or anything. It was just that SHE suddenly took control without telling me. And after that, I just stopped the lessons. I was kind of in the middle of developing an anxiety disorder at that point, and that sort of pushed me over the edge. I was temping in an office which was not contributing to good mental health, and then my grandmother died, and it all just happened in the space of about a month. And so I think it was definitely wise to stop after that. And I felt really ashamed.
I felt like I was letting women down? Because I knew that girls were more likely to have to retake their tests. I was just not in a good place. So I waited about a year, and then we were gonna move to the Netherlands, so I thought, "Okay. I will go do an intensive course to get back my knowledge, "and see if I can just pass this test before we move." And I had beta blockers at that point to help calm me down for the actual test, which sort of worked, but I was still just so nervous that I made really stupid mistakes that I wasn't making... You know, in the lessons. And the way that the test is structured in the UK, It's really not good for anxious people at all, because they look for major and minor mistakes and there's a certain threshold that you can reach. And they write them down as you go,
and they're writing things as you go. So, you know that if they're sitting there writing,
you know you've messed up. And it kind of snowballs, and it's just... It's an awful way for people like me to demonstrate driving competence to a stranger. It's... It... It is. So, I failed the second time around, and I can't remember exactly why. I don't think I actually made... I don't think there were any really glaring mistakes. It was, I think perhaps, I maybe had too many minors, or something like that. But it was just kind of a box-ticking thing. I could tell the examiner was just, like, wanting to get through things quickly. You know how it is. So we then moved to the Netherlands and we were living in the centre of a town, and I didn't really need to drive, but I really still wanted to. I wanted to drive especially before I had a child, because I thought, "If I can't even drive and I have to drive my child somewhere..." So that was the thing. That was my motivation. And the nice thing about the Netherlands is the culture is a little bit different, in my experience. They don't intimidate you into failing
so that you have to pay again to take the test. There's actually a specialist test for people with a fear of driving or a fear of the driving test. But because it was an unfamiliar road layout, you know, it's not just that they drive on the other side of the road, but there's a lot of cycle paths in the Netherlands. So I actually started taking lessons again, and kind of built my skill from the ground up again, in a much less stressful environment. With an instructor who was actually specialized in anxious drivers, especially women drivers. And it wasn't really... I wasn't really an anxious driver on the road with my instructor there, but I was very anxious about the whole concept of driving, and so there was still a lot of stress in me as I was driving. And he was actually really brilliant. He helped me take things right back to the basics. And we clicked and, you know, we joked around a little bit. And so if you relate to any of the things that I've said, I would absolutely say: find an instructor who specializes in driving anxiety, or test anxiety, or even who is familiar with autism, because it makes the world of difference. I actually took lessons with him for another year, and during that time I built myself up to be able to drive without taking beta blockers. And I started enjoying driving. And it probably took longer than it had to, but it wasn't the driving skill, it was me that needed time to adjust. So I built up confidence in myself, and I kind of reprogrammed myself a little bit. So I paid a little bit extra to have what is known as the "faalangst" test, Which is literally "the fear of failure," and it was really super chill. Everything went well, and I passed when, I think, I was 13 weeks pregnant. Like, I was really not feeling well at the time, but I passed! And it was... And my driving test here was actually a really nice experience. So now I've been driving for a few years, and I actually enjoy it. And the fact that I don't have to psych myself up for taking public transport is really huge. And I really feel the privilege of being able to drive and have a car, because it helps me a lot deal with other aspects of my autism. So that's my rather long-winded story of how I learned to drive. I went through a lot to get there, and even though I seem quite chipper, today, when I was writing the script for this, it suddenly released a lot of emotions. And not knowing at the time why I was having these struggles really made me blame myself and made me feel very ashamed for myself. But the thing is, learning to drive isn't just about the actual physical driving. There are a lot of different skills you need to master, and there are various ways that this might impact an autistic person's ability to learn to drive and to continue to drive safely and stress-free. So obviously you need to develop your motor skills to learn how to physically drive the machine. And I learned to drive in a manual, and to be honest the motor skills side of it... That wasn't something that I struggled with. I very easily managed to coordinate my arms and my legs, but I'm also... I'm a very clumsy person. But I'm also very well-coordinated, in a strange way. That one, for me, wasn't an issue, but it might be for some people: that they have trouble physically doing that, and that's why I think, maybe, they might want to learn to drive in an automatic or an electric car (which is also automatic). Autistic people might also have atypical visuospatial skills or perception. Which means that we kind of perceive, um, shapes, and distance, and speed maybe a little bit differently to other people. And my instructor actually helped me with that, because I would get really nauseous from doing certain maneuvers that he says "You're going... You're doing it right. "You're going at the right speed,"
and I said, "No this feels really wrong." And we realized that my visual attention was not actually going where you would expect it to go. So for example, if we were going... If we [scoff]
If I was driving around a corner, I would keep my eyes along the outside edge of the corner, which, if you are driving into a corner and looking at the wrong place, that's really gonna mess with you. So he was very good at making adjustments like that, and saying, "You really need to look at the inside of the corner." And that's something that I still need to tell myself to do when I'm going 'round corners now. And I think with the driving experience that will become more automatic. But that was something that I didn't know why I did it. It was a very instinctual thing. But, if I hadn't had a driving instructor who recognized that, and was looking for subtlety in the way that I was experiencing things (even before we either of us knew I was autistic) I don't think I would have made any progress. So that's just an example of a very small adjustment that a really competent and tuned-in instructor can help you make. Now I think I mentioned sensory difficulties in pretty much every video I do on this channel, but it's important, and you have to take these ones into account as well. Well, so think about things such as glare from the sun, or headlights at night. Lots of noise when you're going at high speeds. There's a lot going on in addition to the huge amount of information you have to deal with, and obviously working your body. And with regards to all this information, autistic people are very often drawn to details. So, if you imagine looking from the driver's perspective: as you're driving along, I will see the writing on somebody's shirt as we go by, or a funny number plate combination, or I would see, "Oh, there's a cat. "I want to make sure it doesn't go into the road." [scoff] Make sure. But you know. "I want to keep an eye on that one." And so... [silence] And so I would be completely overwhelmed by detail, and obviously I didn't understand why, but I think that that was the thing that took me the longest to get, was actually to train my attention to focus on the things that mattered and zoning out the rest, which was very hard for me. Because I still notice everything. But now I'm so familiar with driving, it doesn't make such a big difference to my actual driving capability. And this is a really important skill for autistic people, maybe also people with ADHD too, to master, because once you're experienced at driving, noticing details is fine and might actually make you a better driver. But it makes learning a lot harder, because you're just like, "Oh! Squirrel! Dog! Cat! Shirt!" And there's also obviously all the rules to contend with. As a rule follower, I need unambiguous rules, which don't always exist on the road. And of course many drivers don't pay attention to them anyway. And so I struggled mainly when someone else broke the rules and forced me into a situation where I had to kind of improvise. Where I was technically breaking the rules, but I was having to do that for safety reasons. So, it's very difficult when you are... conscientious and you want to abide by the rules. To actually think, "Okay, in this situation I need to break the rules, because otherwise, you know, "this person's gonna crash into me or something." Not my fault, but it's a safe reaction that you have to learn. And so this idea of breaking the rules when you have to, was something that took me a little time to figure out. And the last thing I really struggled with is that, apparently, driving is supposed to be like a social thing. And at the time, it was actually a while until I realized, "Oh. You mean I'm s'posed to be making eye contact with other drivers, and that helps." Because I just hadn't been. I'd been looking at the car, not the people. Because you can barely even see people, so making eye contact seemed like a weird thing. And I don't care that there's two sheets of glass and some distance between us, I find it very hard to make eye contact in driving situation, because it's with strangers and strangers can get aggressive on the road, so you never know what emotional state you're going to find when you look. So that's pretty overwhelming for me as well. And of course driving really requires a lot of navigational skills, creating mental maps, perhaps, or following navigational instructions. And this isn't something that I was particularly bad at. I'm quite good at navigating. My 3D rotation and stuff like that is very good. But I know that a lot of autistic people struggle with that, so I thought I'd mention it anyway. You know, autistic people can struggle with left and right even though they know them. It's something that they might have to think about. Finding their way, following sets of instructions. Like multiple instructions at a time. Things like that. So I just wanted to mention that as well. So I feel like I've been through a lot in learning to drive, and if you are struggling there are definitely some things that you can do to help you. In my opinion, your instructor is absolutely crucial here. If they make you stressed in any way,
it is time to find a new one. Don't be loyal to anyone. Just switch. When I eventually took lessons in the Netherlands, my instructor was extremely patient and I don't think that's just because he's Dutch. I think I just specifically went for an instructor who was patient. And the great thing was that he accommodated traits that I didn't even know I had at the time, and I certainly had no idea were related to autism. And we worked together to find alternative strategies that worked for me, not just a cookie cutter idea of how people should learn to drive. And he also... he was very sweet. He would go away and think about my problems and come back and think about ways that we could solve them together. So he was a really, really sweet guy. My other advice would also be to take your time. It is an unfair fact of life that driving lessons are so expensive and that autistic people might need more of them to pass. Although if examiners and the whole system actually understood the needs of autistic people a bit better, that might help. But while I got the hand of the the physical side of driving very quickly, it was the attention: the visuospatial stuff, things like perception of speed, and it just took a long time for my brain to adjust. And I wouldn't have got that with a regular instructor who just teaches driving. I just wouldn't. And I know that now. If you are particularly afraid of the test, there are also some meditations related to driving and driving tests out there on YouTube. There are paid ones. There are free ones. So I definitely suggest that you look up some of those, because I'm not really a meditation person, but guided meditations like those where I can get myself into a frame of mind before a stressful event are really helpful. And of course depending on the country you're in check whether there are accommodations for autistic people, because there actually might be, and I think perhaps there should be. So just a couple of tips for everyday driving, once you've passed a test or if you're learning, you know, just driving around. Look at the sensory aspects that bother you, and think about what adjustments you could make to improve that. Such as driving sunglasses. One autistic man that I met at a meet-up somewhere actually told me that he uses welding glasses for nighttime driving, which is awesome, and I'd never even thought about that. Especially if you get the mad inventor ones that I found on Amazon. Obviously you want to make sure you can actually see with them. And so test them as a passenger. I'm not I'm not saying that this is a solution and this is safe. No, I'm not saying that. I just wanted to mention that there could be visual solutions for you, if you think outside the box. Please don't wear welding goggles and get into an accident. Also consider before you buy a car, or lease a car, or whatever, remember that different textures on the dashboard cause different levels of glare. So try and have a test drive with sunshine if you can. Because my current car has quite a lot of glare in a sunny day, which is a bit of a pain. Also knowing your triggers and figuring out strategies when you're faced with them, in advance. I actually talk out loud as I'm driving. I like to narrate what's going on. I like to talk to the cars. I like to keep things friendly, because then if somebody does something stupid, or annoying, or dangerous, I have already kind of built up a narrative with them in my head. And so instead of saying, "You stupid hrrrrng," I can be like,"Well that wasn't very clever was it now," you know, "Silly man," or something like that. And so I like to talk to myself in that way. And I like to personify the roads and junctions because I find that helps me. I don't know why, but it just does. Make sure you have the right navigation app as well, because some of the ones that are built into cars can be very irritating. I like the Google Maps inbuilt one, but some people like Waze (W A Zed E) as a good one. So yeah, just experiment and see if there's any apps that might help in different ways. So finally, I just want to say if you can't, and it just doesn't happen, that's okay, too. It's certainly a great convenience to drive, and a big aid for my life, as public transport is completely overwhelming for me and stressful, and if I'm in a period of anxiety in my life, if I couldn't drive I put him it to be stuck in the house. But that's not to say that driving is the be-all and end-all. We should be supporting autistic people no matter their ability to drive. Don't feel like you have to live up to society's expectations, because this is a grown-up thing to do. Because that's something I really fixated on, was that "I needed to do this because "then I'd be a real grown-up," and I know that we think of driving as this rite of passage, but everybody's life is different, and things work for some people and they don't work for other people. So if your life works for you without it, don't put pressure on yourself just because you feel like it's a grown-up thing to do, and you want to prove yourself somehow. Because that's what I did.
And it didn't really work very well. I passed my test aged 31, while pregnant, which at the time it felt like I was horribly late to the party. But that turned out to be the right time for me, and you just have to do what feels right for yourself. So I hope this has been helpful or validating, maybe. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up because that really helps the YouTube algorithm, and comment down below with your driving experiences. (If they're not too traumatic to bring up
at a time like this.) Please check out some more of my content; there's a playlist right here. And if you think you might enjoy hearing me talk about autism and all that stuff, please click Subscribe and the little bell notification next to it to stay up to date. I hope you like this video and I'll see you next time. Bye
