Diagnosed with autism... (aged 33!)

oh my god am i making icons like what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing hi everyone welcome back to my channel my name is Sam I am 33 years old and a couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with autism now I have been wanting to make this video for a while because it's been about a year since I first suspected that I might have autism obviously the diagnosis process takes a little bit of time so you see a lot of time to think about things but now that I have the official stamp of approval I wanted to make this video because I think a lot of people there are a lot of misconceptions out there about autism and a lot of people might be surprised that I might have it and let me tell you no one was more surprised than me um actually I'm just kidding it was kind of a relief but I think that a lot of women are being diagnosed later in life and if this video could help anyone out there then it's worth doing so I think there are a lot of people who know me that it might come as kind of a shock and be like what I don't see that at all but I suspect that people who knew me when I was younger could probably see it more because I was very shy at school it really it wasn't until I was about 15 or 16 that I even started saying much in class so I think my childhood friends and my school friends and maybe my school teachers might be able to see it but the reason that I think other people might not see it so much is because from the age of about 18 or so I took it upon myself to start masking to blend in and I did this completely unconsciously because I didn't know there was anything to blend in with but I always knew that I was different I just thought that there was just something wrong with me so I was about 18 I remember actively you know I left school and actively thinking wow I need to be an adult now I need to communicate like an adult and I remember the friends that I made around that time I would copy them because I would see them having these successful social interactions and I'll be like oh yeah I'll do that too that looks good this is how you make small talk with someone you just ask them lots of questions about themselves and of course when you having a conversation it's supposed to be like a two-way street and I think I must have had some very strange conversations with people what people ask me most is or have asked me most in the last couple of weeks is like why what makes you autists and I really do think that it is just a descriptive a descriptor of my internal thought processes and the way that I perceived the world I think fundamentally I feel different to everyone else and how I perceive the word world sense in a sensory way and in a social way is just worlds away from other people so I mean for example I always knew that I had these little I would call them habits bad habits right you know I've been terrible like with my nails and all that sort of stuff and it's like oh well if you're you've got anxiety you bite your nails or you pick your nails or you twirl your hair or you do all these other things and these things you know they are a world away from what we think of as the stereotypical 11 year-old autistic boy banging his head against a wall but they are like these little those little stems are still valid and they are still a part of autism so yeah this is actually one of my like one of my biggest ones I just thought I was I don't know I play with my hair a lot which is why I usually tie it up but I realized the reason I do that is because the sensation of my hair pulling is uncomfortable to me so I have my hair up and then I take it down and I'm messing around so it's right and then I put it up again and it can't carry on for some time but you know all of these little things and little little bad habits you don't think to pathologize them not that I think that autism is in any way pathological but um you don't really think much of them and I think that's been true for a lot of the autistic stuff it's like individually they're pretty normal individually being shy is not a problem individually having a few little habits is not a problem the problem is cumulative and what all these little things have as an impact on your life so for example obviously I didn't know at the time but when I graduated and I have he interviews or something they would ask me these questions that I would think well how on earth do I answer that like tell me about yourself and now I know the the autistic person inside me or artistic woman inside me was thinking okay well I was born here and like you know the doing the whole history and I'm sitting there thinking like what do they even want me to say and that was my experience of interviews like what do you actually want me to say because it seemed like there was a special code that I was not privy to and I went into interviews being pretty honest and that didn't go down well like they liked honesty right so these are the little things that we're like little setbacks but eventually you think well okay is there really something wrong with me and then you know I did get a temp job that I was in for about 10 months or something and like it was pretty it was an easy job for me it was admen and stuff but I struggled with it I struggled being in an open plan office I struggled with fluorescent lights and I would have constant headaches I would feel very like I didn't know what was the right thing to do or whether I should how how much I should be deferential towards my bosses or my superiors and and so it was a constant battle for me to just figure out what I'm supposed to be doing like it's it's like everybody got told the script and I'm looking for it ironically that is actually one of my recurring dream / nightmares which is where I'm having a play and I can't remember my lines that's basically what autism feels like for me in a social setting so the social side of it is very subtle because you can especially women and girls are pretty good at masking and that's something that I have done so unconsciously all my life that I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore and probably why the people who next see me will think oh she seems more artistic is that just a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy it's not it's just me slightly relaxing the mask and realizing that I don't have to put on this front anymore and realizing that there was a front to put on in the first place now another thing that people associate with autistic people mainly autistic boys is this obsessive interests and I think I am so stereotypically autistic female that I don't have one particular obsessive interest I have many and when I was younger when I was really like I don't know nine ten well I can work it out with a date but I think ten I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and that is a normal thing for a little girl to be but it's not normal to cut out every single picture in every single magazine to put in my special little weirdo box it's not normal to know details about them like what hospital they were born in and like you know collecting all these like random little facts and I just thought that that was how you're a fan of something right you if you like something you have to like everything and you have to know everything and so this sort of obviously like the Spice Girls was not cool anymore so yeah and then they broke up which was Sir put an end to my obsession but then I became very obsessed with the with the TV series friends and that again is super normal everybody watch friends so like why is this a weird thing but I would know I know the names of all the episodes I had a fan website that actually I think has more hits than any other website I've tried to make as an adult it's no longer online unfortunately but you know like normal well normal is a loaded term neurotypical people don't learn to code HTML so they can write a fan website people don't spend their free time doing this generally especially girls especially teenage girls and they should because it's super fun and I actually really enjoyed it but I was definitely one of these ones that had these interests and then moved along and in my adult life as a teenager it was very much more cultural based so you know like musicians or TV shows or things of that but in my adult life it's been way more interest based so for example when I was diagnosed with celiac disease I just info slurped everything I could about celiac disease and gluten intolerance and the gluten-free diet and then I decided I was going to start a blog about that and it never occurred to me that that is not what most people do because it was so natural to me to want to pursue things to that extent and so my interests what typically happens is they get very enthusiastic about someone something learn everything I can and then it depends on a lot of things as to how quickly I would drop it but as you can imagine that makes for like a roller coaster of interests and randomly accrued hobby related thing my sewing stuff from when I decided that dress making was awesome and it still is and I would like to get back into that but you know dress making what else have I got in there you know I have chocolate making kit I have cosmetics making kit I've got all my gardening and growing stuff all my seeds I have all these interests and I pursue them to a really I don't want to say high level because I don't think I'm a professional in any of it but I definitely get very very involved in into it as a hobby and then kind of drop it so that is that's kind of how I am with regards to special interest and if something if something gets me very interested like for example a couple of years ago I started on the ketogenic diet because I have PCOS and it was a method to control that and so basically I've just read everything I can about it and and then I get very annoyed and agitated when somebody tries to challenge me on it when they know nothing about it whereas like I know a lot about it and yeah so that's something that just tends to trigger me a little bit because I trying to explain to someone that I know things on a level that's not just what a normal person would know and it's difficult and it makes me seem arrogant sometimes but well it's not my fault if I know a lot of stuff I do have a lot of other little quirks in fact when I was diagnosed even though I thought it would be difficult for me to get diagnosed she said to me well this is pretty it's a pretty clear case you actually tick all the boxes which surprised me but I had any year to think about it and I was like oh yeah I remember that from childhood I'll put that in my report I remember that I remember that so it's sort of like I had the time to really think and dive deep into aspects of my past and memories that suddenly make sense under the you know light of day as it were and so I'm not just a little bit autistic I am autistic and even though I seem to cope in everyday life that is what other people see and so this whole idea of oh well you're mildly autistic or you're high-functioning I mean it's true I don't need I don't need a carer I don't need to live in a residential care but to to say oh you're only a bit autistic is sort of insulting because you have no idea what is going on in my head and like most of the time when I'm the quietest is when the most is going on in my head because when there's so much happening in there like I can't really do anything else but I mean for me it is been a positive experience getting diagnosed because I feel like it is a vindication of my whole life it is somebody a you know qualified psychologist saying listen all those struggles that you had they weren't all in your head this is a thing the name is autism and this is why you like that and it's not like an excuse or some people say why would you want a label well I'm gonna label so I can explain it to other people otherwise I'm gonna be like well I don't really like this situation and this makes me uncomfortable and this makes me this and that's what I've been doing my whole life is just like half explaining but actually autism makes the full X for the nation much more player I think and it gives it gives me a break it allows me to stop stressing about what other people are thinking because I can just be like well I'm allistic you need to be a lot more clear with me about things so it has been a positive experience and and I do think that it's important for women especially to share their journey because women are very undiagnosed at the moment but I think it's also important to share what you struggle with so that neurotypical people can make accommodations because if they don't know the things you struggle with how can they possibly know what they can do better and I think the reason that autism is considered a disability is because of the world that we live in is set up for the near typical person so anyway I've kind of rambled on a little bit there are still things I struggle with I would say that the main thing is my own internalized ableism and this mainly comes out in the way that I talk to myself because I've been saying pull yourself together or just ignore this or you know basically trying to ignore the things happening in my own head and trying to say no no no don't be like that be like this other person these other people and that's something that I need to work on but also you know we live in a very a plus society and it's something that I've obviously picked well this is how to be don't be different don't be weird just be normal and that's something that we all have to work through ourselves the other thing I struggle with is that just because I Know Who I am or I know more about who I am or why I am what I am I am Sam doesn't make it any easier to build and maintain friendships or to be social I mean I went through the face when you got a lot worse after I was diagnosed I'm like oh my god am i making icons like what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing it doesn't make it easy because you can I mean my friends have been great actually but having it even though they know that I'm autistic it still doesn't make this yeah it doesn't make the struggles that I face with social interactions any easier the other struggle that I'm anticipating as I talk about this more is that I am considered to high-functioning and therefore not I don't have real autism or you know you're doing fine what are you talking about like you're married you've got a child you've had jobs before and like whatever nobody's actually told me that they don't believe I'm autistic yet but I'm looking forward to that conversation hopefully I can find the words before it happens so I can like smack down that and I guess the the main thing that is that is a problem or is a disadvantage of being diagnosed and also making a video like this is that people will use it against you I mean that's so autistic has become pretty much the that's so gay of this decade oh well like oh you've got a bit of a autism's have you you know it's like it's a it's a casual insult now and I mean I just think it's kind of dumb when people say stuff like that but there's still a lot of people that think that autism is something to be cured that you know obviously the antibiotics movement is they would rather have their children get measles than have autism so there is still a way to go - you know to gain acceptance in the wider world and not just acceptance but understanding and knowledge because I think most people don't even know what autism really is and they associated with severe language delays or mutism or developmental delays which are now kind of they when they redid the DSM and they've they've changed a little bit about how autism is classified so there's no such thing as Asperger's anymore it's all just autism so I know I've rambled on a little bit this wasn't really a scripted video I just had some cues and I was just sort of talking I'd like to I'd like to talk more about this and I think people are interested people who've survived into me in real life have been interested - and they just want to know more so let me know if you like this video let me know what you think about the whole thing I mean most people probably know someone with autism it's prevalence is about 1 in 68 but if you count all the women who are not diagnosed it's probably a lot higher so give me a thumbs up and subscribe if you want to see more stuff like this I will probably be talking more about this in a few videos because I think there's some processing I still need to do but I hope you have a nice day and thanks for watching you [Music]

Channel: Yo Samdy Sam

Views: 200,191

Keywords: autism diagnosis, autism symptoms, signs of autism, autism in women symptoms, autism in girls symptoms, asperger's syndrome, mental health, autism spectrum disorder, high functioning autism, autism awareness, stimming aspergers

Id: YgxHpHIrGNY

Length: 19min 26sec (1166 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 12 2019