Drew's struggle with addiction and how he transformed his life by turning to the Savior Jesus Christ

I'm so excited to have you on the podcast I I know just a little bit about your story just from you know what you sent me in an email but I I feel like addiction recovery stories are just some of my favorite because it's like it's so incredible to see how your life can be so full of like dark and just awfulness and then how it can completely transform and be so full of light and so you know just I don't know so the addiction recovery stories are just some of my favorite because of that so I'm I'm really excited to to hear your story and um yeah I would love if you want to just start at the beginning cool thank you uh yeah I'm happy to be here it's um it's cool for me because I've shared my story many times you know but it's typically in front of like uh um an addict or alcoholic population you know it's uh very few times been for a um a mainly like LDS audience you know so when I share my story in other places I don't get to talk about the things that I'm excited about as much you know like the atonement the gospel and um and so I'm excited for the opportunity to to tell it uh in this way you know and uh and the true power you know behind my recovery um so and I'm definitely gonna talk about what happened and what went wrong and the bad stuff um but but I really you know I think I want to spend more time focusing on the solution and and the good things that happened afterwards um because I you know at least when I've shared my story in other venues it seems like most of the time I'm talking about then I did this and then this happened and this happened and then like the last two minutes you wrap up and you're like oh but then things got better and anyway here I am and I have a good job and all that but yeah um but you know obviously it's important for me to talk about the the bad stuff because um you know that's the reason I'm on this podcast right to share my my story of of how I came back and um so I did you know I grew up in Northern California um a little town called Cottonwood the nearest Big Town is is reading which a lot of people haven't even heard of that it's about 120 miles north of Sacramento and um very rural More Cows than people you know but I I grew up in a good LDS home um grew up you know doing all the things that um young LDS folks do and you know um went to the church dances and and anyway you know I I had a good upbringing um good parents good siblings good friends you know and um and and so you know later that left me you know when things did get bad uh it left me a little puzzled as I'm sure other people have felt before like what went wrong like I'm hearing all these people that I'm in treatment with talking about they've been physically abused or sexually abused and all this horrible stuff and I'm like what's nice geez what happened like none of that happened to me you know and uh and we can go into the definition of trauma and talk about that all day you know and and I learned some stuff later on about you know trauma doesn't have to be some big crazy thing that happens I have to tell you I relate to that so much like I was just on it did another podcast and she was asking me like what what was it that you know triggered you to go try drugs and stuff and I'm like you know that's a great question I've been to a lot of therapy and the only thing I can pinpoint is like my dad worked a lot when I was a kid like everybody else seemed to have like a you know a lot of you know know anyway I I can just relate to that so much so anyway go on yeah I I and I think mine was just a little more nuanced right like it wasn't necessarily anything anyone did wrong to me it was how I perceived things you know that were happening which you know for instance my parents some of the greatest people on the planet never meant you know for certain things to affect me you know they had things happen in their childhood that they wanted to protect me from and that turned into really protecting me from everything right like to the point where by the time I was an adult and I had a wife and I had a daughter I didn't have any coping skills I had no skills whatsoever I didn't know how to do anything I didn't know how to cope with things when things went wrong um I didn't know I was depressed you know because mental health wasn't talked about not just in my home but really anywhere you know at least not that I knew of so I didn't know what the symptoms of depression really were other than just like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh you know that's what I've assumed it was um but but it comes in so many forms right and um and you know from a young age I learned to be a liar um you know a message that was kind of sent to me by my parents and again not intentional he was um was essentially like if you're going to be in the same amount of trouble whether you tell the truth or or lie you know um so I'm like well might as well take the Gamble and lie you know and maybe I'll get away with it but um but you know I I started doing pornography that's when the the internet really um took off you know and and so that was my first introduction to shame you know um and that I was bad and that I was a sinner and um and that people didn't really know me people said a lot of good things about me and I was this and I was that um but I knew I knew the truth you know and and I felt this shame and I felt this fear of talking about it and telling anyone because of what the consequences might be and um and again a lot of this is just my perception most most likely I probably could have talked about this and it would have gone just fine you know and someone would have helped me um but like I said you know I I ended up eventually married um I uh I'm one of the guys that left on a mission and came home early um you know and experienced that shame um I made it uh a big whole week in the NTC before I had a bit of a freak out and and went home you know and uh and uh originally the the plan was for me to to go back out but I just never I never did you know I never really found that motivation and I never found um the drive to kind of make some changes that I needed to to be able to do that successfully so so there was that shame and and I look back on that feeling that shame and and feeling people judging me but most likely that wasn't even happening I when I really looked back on a monster with myself I'm like actually everyone was really nice you know uh that that whole idea of me being judged was just kind of in my head you know no one no one said anything rude to me or or made me feel like it wasn't okay um that was just a belief that I had uh kind of formed over the years um that if you if you don't do things this way um then then you should be ashamed now and um I'm so happy you brought that up because I think that there's like this narrative especially with people who either have left the church or you know that that LDS people are just judgmental and you know I think there is this narrative but I found the same thing to be true you know coming back like people like loved me back into the church and and so I'm really happy you brought that up because I think it's really important for people to know if they're you know struggling with everybody has something and it's like that fear of judgment that's what it is it's like we're fearing that people are judging us and I don't think that you know well I mean I'm sure people judge but it's like I don't know I'm just really glad you brought that up because I think that's a really important Point well yeah I mean and through all of our experiences I'm sure that we see things through a different lens you know um I've ironically the most judgment I've felt is by people outside of the church when I decided to go back to church you know like I I didn't necessarily I wouldn't say I lost relationships but um there's relationships that weren't the same when I made that decision you know um and and you know and that probably comes from a place of of pain on their end you know and and there's no judgment from me you know it's um there's just pain and and I've experienced it before um like I was saying there's been um a bit of a shift in how I view things I love being really honest about my past and and about everything that happened because it really disarms people and it also I think gives them permission to be vulnerable you know and and talk about their own stuff and it's um I really um I've seen changes within the church culture um and that was one of the biggest things that brought me back to the church when I was kind of kicking around the idea of what do I do here you know and I guess we'll get more into that later but uh my best friend from growing up you know I was complaining about the culture and the shame and you know and and he just simply said well how does you not being there help you know if if you got a problem with the culture then go help change it you know and I'm like oh yeah I guess that makes sense you know and thanks for taking away my excuse um so anyway I came home from my mission um after a week and I ended up meeting a girl which you know I had known her before from dances in the neighboring stake and and we we got married in the temple and um we had a daughter who's about to turn 14 next week two weeks I want to say things uh went well for a while but not really I mean um did they go well in the sense that I wasn't abusing drugs yet sure um but you know I was still uh undiagnosed uh depressed and anxiety I still didn't have really any skills or I didn't have any self-confidence self-love I still struggled with pornography off and on and just these things that kill your confidence and kill your spirit you know and um and and you know and we could that's another thing we could talk about forever is pornography and and I can take the church completely out of it and tell you about the damage that pornography does you know um to to your mind and and and your confidence and all that um so I had no Drive um I bounced around from job to job um I was always kind of this bright spirit in a lot of ways you know I always had this natural ability to connect with people um I just didn't really know how to harness that Talent you know and um and use it to my benefit and it was just I knew how to make people laugh you know and I knew how to make people feel at ease but I didn't know what to do with that um and so people always liked me I was always almost kind of this Golden Boy in a way you know and I think that added a little bit to the to the stress and then the shame you know of like I feel like I let everyone down because this is this is what I perceived was expected of me um which again probably wasn't uh this is just perceptions you know and um so on time I'm 20 it was right after my daughter was born about I was about I think 24 25. um I started having these really bad headaches um I never actually got diagnosed with anything there was MRIs different things um but they were excruciating really bad headaches you know and uh one day I walked into this uh just walk-in clinic and told the doctor what was going on and and his answer was um oh you know what how else would that it here take this and he gives me a prescription for like 60 painkillers and I'm like oh okay you know like I don't really know any better that my experience with painkillers was uh getting my wisdom teeth out you know and it made me groggy um but anyway you know I took that first painkiller and and everything changed instantly really um not only did it take away my physical pain but uh all all of a sudden I was a better husband better father better employee better friend better son um more social you know and and I'm thinking my gosh like why doesn't everyone do this like this is this is amazing you know and um and I was just this really pretty naive you know and uh not understanding what it could potentially lead to um because the doctor gave it to me right I I hadn't ever really drank or done any drugs or anything um things you know got wild from there eventually I'll kind of skip a lot but it Jekyll and Hyde right I mean it's it's night and day um what it does to your brain and your identity um I was a different person all of a sudden and it magnified my my Character defects I already had you know my ability to lie and manipulate and and then zero Integrity you know and those things were just magnified and um and you know your luck with doctors when you when you're a young LDS kid and you're naive you don't know where to find a a drug dealer you know especially in that part of the the country um so luck with doctors runs out and and I don't know I I gotta figure out how to feed this habit you know I I can't uh I can't go through withdrawals again I did it a couple of different times the first time I had no idea what was going on I thought I just kept getting the flu I didn't know what withdrawals were and then I found out oh it's because I'm not taking that medicine at all I uh anyway this kind of led to me stealing you know first from houses that I was already invited into make an excuse to go to the bathroom uh taking stuff out of medicine cabinet stuff like that um look ran out there eventually too and then I started breaking into houses that I wasn't invited into right and all of a sudden I'm a burglar and um and it's hard for me to comprehend now thinking back on it like man I did that I can't believe I did that you know and and I'm and I'm stealing from people that I know you know like I'm going to church and seeing who's there and then making an excuse to leave and going and breaking into their homes to look for painkillers you know like just Insanity um stuff I I had no idea I was capable of and uh long story short eventually you know things blow up I go to jail a couple of times um my parents again they they mean no harm but they didn't know by bailing me out and every time that it was actually just kind of delaying the inevitable you know and um and so I didn't learn my lesson um if nothing changes nothing changes so I uh I just kept doing the same things and um anyway that by the I think second or third time I was arrested they we all finally decided you know with my attorney like I need to go to inpatient treatment because I tried an outpatient treatment out there in California um didn't work out um and so my my attorney just happened to have a pamphlet for uh Renaissance Ranch uh here in Utah and so uh I think it was Thanksgiving Day 2010 my dad and I drove out here um to Utah I'm in Colorado at the moment but um checked into Renaissance Ranch the next day one week later I was discharged because it turns out they don't want you to sneak drugs in with you I mean I gotta plead ignorance yeah yeah um looking back on it um I learned some valuable lessons that I didn't actually apply until much later you know I learned that Honesty does not mean no consequences I remember one of the therapists telling me that because I had decided in group to get honest about the drugs that I'd snuck in but only of course after my Supply had ran out you know and uh and they decided to discharge me well they sent me to detox but I took that as getting kicked out um and and you know I'm telling them like well I was honest about it you know and I was so ready to like have everyone Pat me on the back for being honest and changing my ways you know and and yeah he just said well honestly it doesn't necessarily mean no consequences you know and at the at the time I was like whatever you know um but but now you know like gosh that's so true and so valuable and um you're gonna find out that a lot of the lessons that I learned I learned and then years later applied it you know which some of us do I think um but I ended up leaving the detox AMA wandered around the streets of Salt Lake for a couple days and he slept out on the street one night and this was like in December um and broke into some more houses you know ended up in a different Treatment Center that um I was sneaking out of at night and going and breaking into houses to get pills you know and just wild stuff and um ended up in jail again um got arrested from that treatment center and this time my parents were finally willing to to put their foot down I think they had learned some things and and um there was no bailing me out this time and and it wasn't for lack of trying you know I called I told everyone I could think of everyone for the first time ever in my life was holding boundaries with me and that was her wife where like what was your wife thinking at this time what was that relationship like um I think she you know so we're no longer married um but I think she just didn't know what to do you know I nothing like this had ever come up in her life or my life you know and and no one in her family or my family really know knew what to do you know and and I can look back and and feel resentful maybe about how she handled this or that but really like she had no idea what to do you know and and all of a sudden I was gone her husband and the father of her daughter is gone and doing this crazy stuff you know and it's not who she married and um but she tried to be supportive at first and and um but I think I just gave her every reason to to walk away you know um and and eventually enough was enough um so yeah uh yeah you know I went to Utah County Jail um I attempted suicide in the jail um I you know was at Rock Bottom obviously I'm coming I'm I'm withdrawing from opiates I'm withdrawing from my depression medication you know because they don't immediately give you some when you go to the jail they have there's a protocol um I'm in jail you know and all hope is lost and and I decided to try to dive from a second story tier to try to kill myself oh my gosh yeah and and you know uh thank heavens I wasn't successful um I did end up in the hospital for a few days you know it's a brain bleed and um valuable lesson learned again applied later um but but in that moment you know I did find some strength um my former father-in-law I remember just kind of gave and he was a man of few words um but you know my my ex-wife and her parents and my daughter came out to Utah to visit me in the hospital when I was when I was there you know and he just it wasn't exactly what he said it was just that it was this guy that rarely speaks saying it and how firm he was saying it you know and he was just saying like essentially you got to figure this out I don't know what it it's gonna take but you need to rely on the Lord and figure out what to do here you know and um and because I had jumped off this tear they put me in what you know they call movies and TV the whole um which is just a single cell for about 23 and a half hours a day um a little eight by ten or something like that I don't know exact dimensions but turtle soup yeah I got put in the Turtle suit which for those listening is a suicide gown they call it called a turtle suit because it's green and it's just this big thick horse blanket with with velcro that they wrap around you and they don't give you underwear or socks or sheets your your blanket for sleeping is also one of those you know and um it's not a good time and I got to stay in it for two months oh my gosh what would you do yeah well I read a lot of books um but part of my part of my story is um the song Be Still My Soul has always been close to my heart you know and it always touched me it was it you know one of the the times I remember uh growing up feeling where I feel the spirit that song for whatever reason you know and it was my grandfather's favorite song and um I remember pacing back and forth in myself for hours just humming that song you know and it's actually tattooed on me oh my gosh oh yeah um and uh so I just I did that for four months you know I read books I paced Back in Forth humming and and I I prayed and I did what my former father-in-law said and I just I found a way you know and and during that time I was getting visits from um a guy that owns that's Recovery Center in Utah uh which is actually where I work now um uh that was actually kind of one of those uh crazy God moments and Tender Mercies um a woman that was in our ward in California while I was growing up lived in Utah and she had a son that died of a heroin overdose I believe and my mom knew that she was in the LDS 12-step program here one of the missionaries for it and so she called her asking her what she thought and um also a missionary in that program that she knew was Mike Jorgensen who used to own steps Recovery Center and so she she called Mike and Mike came and visited me at the jail and and did a few times and and anyway after that hormone site I went to steps Recovery Center and uh and I did 90 days of treatment and um and a lot of good things happened during that 90 days um you know and I and I work in treatment um I work for such recovery I help people get into treatment and and something I tell almost every single client is is if treatment is comfortable the entire time then you're doing it wrong right and steps taught me a lot of good stuff that I retained uh but again didn't use until much later um the problem for me in that time was um that I didn't get uncomfortable you know I was fresh out of jail um and I was it was fun you know it was cool oh I'm out of jail and there there's good food and like they're taking us to watch movies sometimes and um and and I just did 90 days and at the end of it I thought I was awesome at rehab because it was easy you know oh that was easy you know it wasn't as hard as I thought uh but obviously that was the problem right I didn't dig in I didn't do any actual work and um and and at this point I really hadn't invited um the Lord and the Savior back into it into the process you know I um I mean I did kind of when I was in jail but you you've heard of of that a lot right people get really close to God when they're when they're in jail um and then kind of forget when they get out and that's and that's what I did and um so I I did you know I just based on momentum alone and and the fear of going back to jail or Consequences I stayed clean I think for about 14 months you know and um the problem was that I didn't change anything really other than I wasn't doing drugs anymore I was still a liar I was still a manipulator I still didn't really have a lot of integrity and so shocker I had the same result you know and um and So eventually I relapsed um that's when stuff got really bad you know there's good and bad things about treatment one of the bad things is that um you you can learn some stuff that's you didn't know before you know like all of a sudden I knew about heroin and I knew where to find it and you know and so um I ended up on heroin um and uh within a day I was an IB user you know oh and um and uh you know within a week I didn't have a home anymore and I was getting kicked out of sober livings I lived in my car for a while um running around with people that I met stealing you know from stores and pawning stuff and stealing from homes and um my probation officer learned about what I was up to took me back to jail and you're never going to believe this but I ended up attempting suicide a second time by jumping off of a tear yeah um because I thought I'd learned um the do's and don'ts of it the last time I thought okay and now I know now I know how to get this done you know and uh and it just was that perfect storm situation again where I just I could not bear the thought of what was coming you know the the pain that I knew was on its way um and I and I attempted to jump from the tier again well I didn't attempt I did um somehow I got less hurt this time um I did end up with 10 Staples in my head back here but um didn't have any like brain bleeds or anything like that and so they took me to the hospital and they stapled me back up and I'm still feeling really just anxious and I feel suicidal and I just wanted to die I could not I just couldn't wrap my head around going back to jail and and going through this stuff again and I noticed that the deputy that brought me had his his firearm with him and and so I I tried to reach for it I did reach for I grabbed hold of the handle and pulled for it and my my intention was to use it on myself you know but he pulled away got it out of my hand um but it was enough to to give me a you know a disarming a police officer charge and and land me in the state prison um so all all in all I spent three and a half years in custody um you know six or seven months in the county jail while my case was going through the system and then and then another three years down in Gunnison Prison in Central Utah back in the in solitary confinement after that happened they they did although this time it was in the medical unit because that's the only place in the jail that doesn't have a tear um but it's honestly worse than the whole in the medical unit so so yes seven seven months that time um by myself um oh so yeah you go a little loony after a little while but well I mean for anybody listening I solitary confinement is like a six foot by four foot I I don't know how many feet it is but you're literally in a closet by yourself for 23 hours a day and so to even like wrap your brain around what that is like for how many months were you in there about seven yeah that is so just that is yeah you know yeah they give you the little blue mat you know that's about four inches thick that's what you sleep on on the concrete and um it's you get used to it in a weird way you know um but it's it's not fun that's for sure um so anyway I you know I spent those years in prison um my whole first year of incarceration between jail and my first few months in prison I still really hadn't learned anything you know I was I was getting drugs here and there when I could you know there's certain drugs they allow in the jail that you can't abuse you know just like medications that doctors prescribe you know or stuff that gets snuck in one way or another you know and so despite all the negative consequences and um and I think I forgot to mention that by this point before I went to prison my my wife had filed for divorce and we were divorced but you know despite all this horrible stuff I still I wasn't done I just it wasn't enough for whatever reason and it's funny how I would win those things click you just never know when it's gonna be you know and and for me you know I was in this program in the prison called The Hope program it's good behavioral modification program and I was in a leadership role and and I'd broken a rule and and anyway when you do that in that program they they stick you with some sanctions you know and for me it was um for 60 days I had to get up at 5 30 in the morning and clean for three hours I had to do five pages of journaling they took away my my TV that I had my CD player my visits my yard time my phone calls you know all this stuff you know and and for whatever reason that's when it clicked and enough was enough I was you know I was so tired of me being the reason I wasn't happy you know and my behaviors and so I decided to to go to work I used that 60 days to to read some really good material including the Book of Mormon um I um you know and some other really helpful books and and I went to work on changing my behaviors and um and I did over the past over the next two and a half years you know I was I was determined to leave there a better person than I'd ever been you know and and oddly enough some of the days while I was in there were some of the happiest days of my life up until that point because you know as cliche as it sounds I I had kind of escaped the mental prison you know something weird happens when you start working on changing your behaviors like lying and no Integrity you start to kind of like yourself a little bit um and so that's where I was like I felt confident and I liked myself because I I discovered what my values were and I started lining up my actions with my values and things got better and then by the time I got out I was released in July of 2016. um and by the way during that time I still hadn't fully committed back to the Lord you know I did go through the repentance process in the jail we had a ward had a bishop um we had a disciplinary Council I was disfellowshipped you know and and that was a really beautiful experience um and I was motivated I think in that moment in that span of time but then I've kind of lost that momentum eventually it's and not to give too many excuses but there's not a lot of positivity in prison surrounding you so as hard as it is to stay a faithful member of the church outside of prison you know with the amount of negativity when you're there it's even it felt even harder to me you know and um and so I I tried um and then and then I got out and uh and I hit the ground running you know I was prepared more than most uh that get out of prison I had a plan for what I was going to do day one week one month one year one and I stuck to it you know and and of course you know unfortunately none of that really had anything to do with the church you know I just wasn't there yet I guess and wasn't ready to dive in and commit and and had gotten to the point where I I had questions and I had gripes about it you know and and excuses and um so I I just kind of focused on staying out of prison and and you know just being a good person you know that's um and sometimes that's okay you know um it honestly I'm so glad that I had that time away you know and I don't want to encourage people to to take time away from the church but um but I got to discover what my life was like without it um and and do I like my life outside of the church and the gospel um in a relationship with the Savior um and obviously the answer was no um it can you be happy outside of the Church of course people can have happy lives um but I'm more interested in the Eternal perspective right I'm more interested in what my life is going to be like after this um and I'm and I'm willing to to sacrifice some stuff that sounds really fun and that I think would make me really happy I'm willing to sacrifice that in this life for for what comes next you know and I you know I I got a job I I paroled to steps recovery sober living house uh in Orem and and immediately met some people like to this day are big parts of my life you know and and have been a big part of My Success the Paul walkenhorst is is one of them so I met him and and um I got a job at a different Treatment Center at first um a friend of mine do you know Christian Smith by chance um anyway he works in the industry works for Wasatch recovery right now but he he had a treatment center at that time and he gave me a job three days out of prison and I was support staff you know and uh within two weeks they promoted me the case manager and um you know and steps made me the sober living house manager and and I started to really see the fruits of my laborers you know and uh and positive things happen because I was being honest and integrity and and don't get me wrong there's been plenty of times over the last seven years when I just straight up happened you know I haven't had integrity and I haven't been honest and and that's an important thing for everyone I think to hear and for it was important for me to understand um when I was changing those behaviors I thought of this metaphor of playing the piano when someone learns to play the piano or or really do anything they start with the basics right the piano you start with Mary Mary had a little lamb and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and all that you know and uh and then you uh and then you build you know you practice and you build and build and no matter how much you practice Sundays you're still gonna suck but but if you really want to play piano and be good at it you don't you don't give up because you sucked one day you know you just do better the next day and and so it was the same thing with gaining Integrity I I started practicing these little moments like in the prison I was gonna throw a candy wrapper on the ground and then I had the thought well if other people were here would I do that and the answer was no so why am I going to do it when I'm by myself you know and so I started catching a little elements and then I started building upon them you know and got better and better and better and some days I still suck at Integrity you know um I still make mistakes and uh but but you know what I'm I still want to be a person of Integrity so so I'm just gonna do better tomorrow you know give myself a break and do better tomorrow um and so that's that's what I've done and I've been trying to do and uh over the past seven years my life has just gotten uh amazing you know and and especially in the last about two years since since I let the Savior back in um but you know I started out as a parolee at steps recovery sober living and now I'm I'm the Director of Business Development there and and um and I do really well and I'm good at it um and it's the first time in my life or it was you know like that I really felt like I was good at something and that and I feel confident and comfortable enough to say that I'm good at it and you know because before I felt like you know it was bragging or you know or whatever you know but I've built this life you know and I was I've been able to break all these barriers I I assumed that felons had you know that I was told I was told that I wouldn't be able to vote I was told that I wouldn't be able to get a passport I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to buy a home um you know and all these things that I've done uh since then that I found out weren't true at all you know um ended up buying my first home in 2020 and now we're going to get to where the really good stuff started happening um and that's you know enter enter the Savior um had I built a pretty happy life um without the church really in it yes I had some happy stuff I had some good stuff um but there was a void you know and that was clear and there was something missing um and I knew it I had never really completely lost to my testimony it was always kind of back there you know and I always say I didn't want it I didn't want my testimony it was so inconvenient it frustrated me so bad that I couldn't shake it you know because I want to be able to do this and I want to be able to do that not feel guilty or like I'm doing something wrong you know go away and and it just wouldn't and um and and playing goodness right um the Savior was not going to give up on me so I'm in my house in Saratoga Springs 2020 um you know my first house that I bought and and I'd kicked around the idea for a few years and and and not that I hadn't gone to church at all during that time I you know in some mid singles Wards and and this and that you know but never really took it seriously never really dove in um I was still disfellowshipped I'm I'm driving down the road one day and I see the missionaries on their bicycles and I still I would see them all the time right but for whatever reason this day I just felt like I should stop and talk to him you know and um I had been feeling lately like maybe I should start I should look at going back to church I was really frustrated with dating and you know a lot of people had given me some advice of just you know you've gotta just kind of let go and and work on yourself you know if you're not living the values of the person that you're looking for you're not going to attract her you know um and so so I had started to do that I kind of you know I deleted the stupid dating apps and all this stuff and uh and I started to focus on being the person that I was the companion that I was looking for living those values and um I was thinking oh man maybe you know I should I should introduce or I should bring the Lord into this on some level and and so I saw the missionaries and I stopped and I talked to them and and I'm telling you there's just no coincidences or or accidents you know like the Lord knew the exact missionaries that I needed to talk to you know and um shout out to Elder Chipman and Elder Kai who I think are home by now but um but they were great missionaries and what I loved and what I love about the missionaries today because I don't ever remember missionaries talking much about their personal life or personal struggles when I was younger and so they always seemed like these mythical figures or like I put them up on this pedestal yeah right yeah but these missionaries talk to me about their struggles one of them had actually struggled with drugs for a while and he had a tiny little tattoo on his wrist and you know the and the other one had struggled with some other stuff and and they were just like these cool normal guys and that's just exactly what I needed that's exactly who I needed to talk to and I needed to fill like I was safe you know to talk about my stuff and without judgment and um and I did I felt safe and and that you know started this chain you know and they started coming over every week and and they were inviting me to church and at first I wasn't you know I was still just kind of Dipping a toe when I wasn't ready you know and and I did it that way by Design I I used the metaphor of going to the gym you know people that haven't gone to the gym for a while and they jump back in and try to bench press 250 pounds right off the bat you know and and just do all this crazy stuff they're gonna get burnt out real quick they're gonna get frustrated because um they didn't meet their own expectations and and so I took that approach with the church too it's like you know I'm not going to I'm not going to put pressure on myself I'm going to dip my toe back in and just ease ease my way back into this you know and and the elders were so respectful of that and it was probably just a few weeks later um so I had my current wife I had met before just through just recovery stuff and um and we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years two three years maybe but she was someone that I always kind of remembered and sometimes I would even look for her on Facebook but she wasn't on there you know um and I think I even tried to text her at one point over the two or three year period but she had changed her number but one day um we just reconnected and she got back on Facebook and we started talking and um and we we hung out and she was who I was looking for you know like I I didn't I don't know what I expected but I had grown accustomed to a certain style of dating you know I I tried to kiss her on the first date and she she pulled away you know and I'm like oh what you know and so that's awkward um but but what was cool about it is it told me okay this girl's different and this girl respects herself and has boundaries and she holds them and what she learned about me is when she pulled away my response was very respectful and understanding and so we both kind of uh learn these things about each other that told us a little bit about each other and it piqued both of our interests and I'm thinking I I just tanked this thing forever you know but it was it was the opposite and a weird thing is my wife and I I learned about the type of companion that I needed to look for and how I should find her from a former therapist of mine and so I always kind of had that in my mind even if I wasn't you know using that knowledge years later she would have the same therapist that would teach her the same thing and and so we ended up finding each other because of this therapist you know and um needless to say we invited into our ceiling a few weeks or a few months ago um but and and then I started learning other things about her you know and I found motivation to explore a relationship with the Savior again and and the gospel just by her uh simply stating her goals um she wasn't going to um have sexual relationship before marriage she wanted to be married to a priesthood holder um you know and and she didn't tell me you need to do these things or I'm not going to date you she just simply stated what her goals were you know and so that was enough for me to kind of okay you know I don't want to do this for her you know I don't I don't wanna go back to church for anyone you know but it was enough for me to start kind of um looking into it and uh a little more seriously right and um so we we dated for four months before we got engaged you know and uh we're not getting any younger you know we're both in our later 30s and so and and we just knew you know I know people say that a lot but but I just I just knew you know and she knew and um and we got married in June of 2021 uh and then we got sealed this past September um in the Draper Temple but you know we moved to Herriman uh when we got married and and another one of those things you know the Lord put the right people there you know uh our current Bishop was called right before we moved in and he is just the exact Bishop I needed I still wasn't uh fully uh submerged into all this I was still a little hesitant um our neighbors um were amazing you know they um they never once mentioned Church you need to come to church they were just simply good neighbors and they were christ-like you know and intrigued me and um and and some counsel that my Bishop gave me was to start over you know I I had I had been meeting with those missionaries in Saratoga Springs but he told me you know because I was worried is this my testimony um that I'm feeling or or is this just like kind of remnants of my parents you know and um and I wanted to um separate the two I wanted uh to disconnect mine from my parents you know and so he advised me to start over and take the missionary lessons um and that's what I did we invited the missionaries into our homes they gave us the lessons and and my testimony just started to grow you know and I started to develop this enthusiasm for the gospel again and and I started to um really feel confident in my testimony because I remember when I first started going back and I started kind of getting into it my my testimony was so fragile in my decision to go back was fragile you know I um I remember you know we had this family dinner um just you know siblings and stuff and some of my siblings are active some aren't you know and and um anyway we got into a discussion that got kind of lively and and some of the stuff that I heard some of my family members saying um as far as their beliefs in the church and and some information that they had found it it shook me you know um and and it hurt that fragile testimony and I was really it was really hard for me I remember being out in the parking lot afterwards and my brother-in-law uh is married to my sister did something very very simple you know and those seems seem to be the things that touched me and resonate with me the most it's just these simple things and and you know and he said you know what yeah all this stuff is hard to hear but all I know is that my life is better with the Lord in it you know and and that like smacked me in the face you know and I got to thinking like gosh she's right like okay say this stuff that they're bringing up about the past you know the history of the church if it's true you just gotta look at it so simply you know is my life better with the Lord in it is my life better when I go to church yes I feel closer to my wife I feel closer to my daughter my the highlight of my week is going to to uh church I love going to the temple I feel that peaceful there I feel good you know and and so that's why could I could I dive into these like CES letters and all this other stuff sure but why if it's not broken don't fix it I'm happy going to church and and um and doing what I'm doing so I I don't need to disrupt that in any way and that's what it's you know it's just so simple you know oh so-and-so offended me um I heard this General Authority did this okay but do you believe in the Book of Mormon do you have a testimony of the Prophet do you um love the Savior yes yes yes okay so what does that matter you know um it's it's really that simple none of that stuff really matters you know uh what matters is that I have a relationship with my heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and I um and I have a good home filled with love in the spirit and um unsealed to my daughter and I'm sealed to my wife I think you know I've told people and they don't like hearing it that people that have left the church and I and I don't mean it to be insulting but there's all these people that have left and see themselves as this brave soul that dared to leave but I think it's so much harder to be a member of the church because it doesn't fit in with the status quo it it doesn't fit in with the social norms it's not convenient like I said it's harmed relationships for me it's it would be so much easier to jump over to the great and spacious building and just have some fun but it's supposed to be hard you know that's that's why we're here you know and and the reward is waiting for us I it's interesting that you say that because I have noticed that especially in the last several years um you and I work in the same space and we in the addiction recovery space and you and I I think I assume you too we travel for work and go to different conferences and meet people from all over the country that are in the treatment space and I found it so interesting that you know I I have been you know I've talked to a lot of people and done a lot of things and been a lot of places but it's interesting how when I tell people I'm from Utah and they they're like oh are you Mormon so are you a polygamist are you this and it's just like people have this like idea of what they think members of the church are and um and it's interesting because I've ran into that a lot more in the last like three years or so that I you know go meet people from all over the country and um and it kind of is just like huh like like it just it's true it's like we're kind of the weirdos but I yeah it is the easier way to just be like yeah like just take a step back and exactly what you said the great and spacious building and people are pointing and laughing at those holding the iron rod and they think it's not cool and I just think you know it's the cool thing to leave the church do whatever you want like the church is so restrictive people say but you and I can both attest to the fact that we're Freer now than we ever were when we were doing things our own way you know and right and I never want to take away from people's you know experience or difficult things that they encountered within the church you know for me I realized years later it was all a perception thing right you know and also you know say that really did happen say so and so said this and it hurt your feelings and it was traumatic for you what does that have to do with the truthfulness of the Gospel right you know what does that have to do with whether or not the Book of Mormon is true or that President Nelson is a prophet of God for me nothing you know it's it's just oh they're just a person that like said something stupid you know and and that stuff like that just it has no effect on me anymore you know I openly talk about everything at church I stood up in state conference a few months ago talked about how I went to prison I don't care I love it I was like I love that I think I think it's important to like my friend said you know if if you have a problem with the culture then go help change it you know and and one I've discovered there's not as many problems as I thought or wanted to believe because they were convenient but there there is some and has been some you know and and I think one of them is not talking about things not talking about mental health or mistakes that were made you know if we can openly talk about mistake you don't have to tell every private little thing but then people can feel I think that takes shame away yeah solves some of the shame problem so um but I'm so grateful for the atonement and and for a repentance you know like I I think that's why I can confidently talk about my past is because I know in the Lord's eyes I'm I'm clean yeah so it doesn't matter uh but I can still use it I can still use it to to maybe help others right um and you know and obviously I don't want to forget because I don't want to repeat it uh anyway you know now I'm I teach Elders Quorum and I you know we attend the temple pretty regularly and and I've I've dote back in with a different lens and experience the gospel in a completely different way and and and it's all focused on my relationship with the Savior My My Testimony comes from nowhere else except my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ does he speak through other people and through books and stuff sure um but if General Authority X makes a mistake okay well I don't get my testimony from him I get my testimony from my relationship with uh with heavenly father and the Savior so um that's who I check in with when things are maybe a little wonky or unclear you know and I'm in a place of acceptance with a lot of things do I understand why we can't drink coffee even though technically it's healthier than some of this other stuff we drink no but you know what I don't it doesn't matter um I'll find out someday why the Lord wanted us to do that it's okay I don't you know that's what faith is I don't need to know every little answer a lot of things I just have to accept I don't understand this but I will someday I have faith that I will someday um and there's a reason heavenly father has this in his plan yeah and I also think that you know because like the coffee thing it's like when you are experiencing the true joy that comes with living the gospel it's like you're so focused forward on progressing spiritually in the gospel that the coffee thing is like it doesn't matter you know and it doesn't like I never think about it really yeah right and it's like but that is something that people get hung up on or they get you know other things too and I think that one of the things that is so awesome about your story is that you chose this is your you chose to jump in and you chose to go back and to give the Savior a chance and see what he could do with your life and it wasn't like you didn't do it because you felt like everybody thought you should or you didn't do it because this is just what we do you made that choice and with that came the witness that yes this is true and this brings joy and happiness and I just I love that so yeah I purposely didn't tell my parents for a long time that I was meeting with the missionaries and stuff because I wanted to make sure that I was doing this for me that I wasn't seeking their approval or validation you know and and so I kind of kept them out of it for a while and then and then I brought them in at one point when I knew like okay this is what I'm gonna do you know and now it's time to have this support of of my parents and um so I'm grateful that I did it that way just to take away any any kind of doubt as to why I was doing it um and and now I have zero now you know like my testimony is mine and and finally I'm really grateful to have it it's not inconvenient anymore right right um I also think that it's it's so cool to see how the challenges that we go through with our testimonies and like the experience you had with people talking about church history and stuff it's like we are faced with these things that we you know we can make a choice to either in that moment you can choose this path of like well yeah I think they're right let me go like dive down that rabbit hole of that information or it's like you know what that does make me feel like I have some questions but maybe I'll turn to the Lord and ask what he has what he will what Revelation he'll give me on that subject and I think that those encounters that we have and I mean taking the time that you did that everything you went through it worked together to weave this beautiful place of where you are with your wife sealed in the temple and it's like God can work all things to the good of those who love him and it's so incredible to see how he's done that in your life so thank you everyone has their own path and they have to experience what they go through in order to have their testimony be what God wants it to be yeah and I think the important thing to remember is that path and that Journey does not end with death uh on this Earth You know like the people that don't accept it in this life I I think there's going to be other opportunity you know so that's why we don't need to freak out and push people to go back to church like let them have their experience in their Journey it's not going to happen in your timetable exactly exactly yep I love that well Drew we are on a mission to make keeping covenants cool again and you yeah are on board with that and I just I love it so thank you so much for for taking the time to be on the podcast and thank you for you know I know you're on your work trip right now but thank you so much for taking the time out of your evening to to meet with me yeah you bet thank you for having me yeah

Channel: Come Back Podcast

Views: 8,385

Keywords: #churchofjesuschristoflatter-daysaints, #lds, #bookofmormon, #mormon, #comeback, #podcast, youtubevideos, #newepsiode, #makekeepingcovenantscoolagain

Id: vB7jTNIA2l0

Length: 64min 34sec (3874 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 13 2023