Dr. Becky Kennedy with Chelsea Clinton on Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

well thank you um for that very warm introduction Erica I now feel like I have to live up to the expectation of not only having a great conversation but being in the same breath is the extraordinary woman who I'm lucky enough to share the stage with here uh this evening and before we uh kind of jump into our conversation with Dr Becky I just want to say how grateful I am to everyone here at the 92nd Street y to everyone on Dr Becky's team and on my team uh who helped us come together uh this evening I know events like this often or at least I hope seem quite seamless to those of you in the audience and yet they're the product of an enormous amount of time energy effort uh and work so before we begin can we just start with a moment of gratitude and give a round of applause to everyone who made this [Applause] possible and an excellent whistle um whoa next time I ask for gratitude I'm going to ask for Applause uh and at least one whistle um really though it is such a joy to be here um with you Dr Becky um and to talk about uh good inside the book and kind of your philosophy and so you know I think maybe the most kind of logical place to to start is kind of what does good inside mean to you and did you kind of have the words before you had the definition or did you have the definition before you had the words it's a great starting question you know I think the first thing I had was just this intense discomfort with the way I was trained to work with families this idea that you know to raise kids who know how to kind of function to some degree green society and be successful you know in various definitions of success that we had to Dole out punishment that we had to deliver this schedule of timeouts that we needed sticker charts and I was trained this way after wanting to get additional training from my PhD to work with parents who were coming to me in my private practice with a bunch of different problems with Tantrums with fighting with hitting with lying and I thought okay well there's a lot of institutions who know a lot of things I'm going to go get trained by one and I didn't question it from the start it actually made a lot of sense in my logical brain right kids do these bad things and we have to show them that it's not okay to do those things and they need consequences for their actions because adults have consequences for their actions and it all kind of made sense at the time but I think the first thing that kicked in was I'd be sitting with parents and hearing about their kid and I had this nagging suspicion I was like wait I I feel like I I like your kid like I feel like I'm not supposed to like them because they're doing all these bad things but I feel like I would like your kid like I feel like your kid's in pain I feel like your kid probably feels misunderstood I feel like your kid is lacking skills because there are only four and yet on the other side I was hearing myself you know kind of deliver this philosophy that I had learned and I think just what happened after a number of sessions with parents probably growing years was really I just learned to kind of trust that feeling inside me and that intuition you know more than this thing I was just kind of blindly reciting and I remember the session where I heard myself telling parents how to give a time out and I just I literally couldn't I couldn't finish the sentence I just couldn't do it anymore and I ended up saying to them I'm sorry I really don't believe anything I'm telling you right now it's really awkward award and was it scary for you when you're like am I now saying I don't believe what I just said a minute ago but I really do believe what I'm saying now yeah exactly I mean it I really I I think it was this growing conviction and I actually think about this a lot as we raised kids like I trusted that this didn't feel right and I trusted that feeling even in the absence of like the completeness of a different approach and I think I finally felt good sitting in my private practice for the first time and I said like I don't think this is it there's just no way that sending your kid to their room when they need help the most there's just no way that when we reflect back to our kids through all these punishments and timeouts essentially I'm seeing you as a bad kid how can I be reflecting back to my kid that I'm seeing them as a bad kid and expect them to identify as a good kid who could have good behavior like that math didn't even make sense and so I think all those ideas were building and then honestly these two words crystallized it that kids are inherently good inside they're good inside their identity inside is good even when their behavior on the outside is bad and then I had a gap between good identity and bad behavior and and I actually love gaps I get excited by them because I feel like Puzzles so and I think that's what I was missing before it was like a kid who hit becomes a bad kid there's no Gap bad behavior bad kid send them to their room bad punishment and then guess what we just get more of the bad behavior right and this gap between a kid's good identity and a kid's bad behavior allowed me to ask different questions why would a good kid do bad things why would a kid who wants to do well be hitting their sister lying to their parent or you know defying a request or waking up at 3 in the morning even their parents are saying please don't wake up again at 3 in the morning and that allowed me to start getting curious it allowed me to have a new framework and I think everything you know ended up flowing from there you know one of the things that I found really striking uh in reading your book um was your concept of the most generous interpretation and that that should apply not only to our children but also to our partners and even ourselves um and I you you talked about kind of how your work crystallized kind of the nomenclature of of good inside to really kind of articulate what you so instinctively felt you know was true of all children when I was reading book the most generous interpretation really felt like oh yes like that is what I try to do with my kids and I sure fail many times every day um but could you just talk about kind of why you think that's such a Cornerstone of the good inside um philosophy and arguably even more so I think um kind of approach instead of just daily life of helping us each hopefully become the best versions of ourselves yeah I I've always found frustrating when I was getting my PhD in CL iCal psychology I'd go to all these conferences I'd hear all these people speak and they'd say really interesting things and then I'd leave the conference thinking okay like how do I put that interesting idea into action I think I've always just needed things to be really concrete and so to me the whole idea that kids can be good inside as separate from their kind of bad behavior same with adults you can kind of put that into action with this idea of MGI most generous interpretation and really that strategy yeah we can use in a million areas of our life and it is just asking ourselves the question wait what is the most generous interpretation of you know something I just witnessed or whatever happened earlier and the reason it's such a powerful question is number one it's actually a simple question but it actually forces us to separate a behavior we saw on the surface from kind of the good person underneath and as we do that it doesn't make the Behavior excusable it actually in our close relationships allows us to see someone's intention or someone's struggle and once we see that we can actually intervene in just a much more effective way so for example and we can't always do this in the moment I think sometimes we try to do it in the moment and it's like a muscle we have to build outside the moment right when my kid screams I hate you it's hard in the moment to say what what is the most generous interpretation of my sons I hate you like that is not a realistic intervention but later at night I can look back and I can say Okay wo that moment felt really bad and I reacted and you know but what is my most generous interpretation of why my son would scream I hate you when I said he couldn't have that for dessert or he couldn't have a sleepover and all of a sudden like I really feel like my vision changes instead of in the moment thinking like what is wrong with my son and he's the worst right I'm thinking oh I don't know he probably really wanted to sleepover and he's the only friend who can't go and I guess my most generous interpretation is that he was just really upset and couldn't think of a better way to express that and now I actually have more agency because I can ask myself different questions all of us come up with the least generous interpretation much more easily we all do it's like human nature right like your kid hits someone in nursery school and all of a sudden you're like they're they're a sociopath they're going to be in jail for the their life right it just happened so fast right and so the goal isn't to have the MGI come more naturally the goal and you can actually do this with a lot of playfulness like wow that was a least generous interpretation okay came up with that checked off that box going to switch to the other one right and then I can actually intervene wondering okay so my kid wasn't able to manage his frustration when I said no to his sleepover I wonder what skill he would need so that the next time he's frustrated he would actually be able to communicate respectfully and this is where I think it's so important because people will say oh so it's just okay no I don't say what's the most generous interpretation oh well because I have the most generous interpretation it's okay that my son is smacking someone at preschool or saying I hate you no way because I have the most generous interpretation I can now brainstorm about what types of things my kids would need to actually change their behavior the next time and that's how change actually happens well and I think you know Dr Rey that's a good segue into something else I wanted to ask you about which is really around uh parental agency I was also um kind of really struck and I will come up with a different verb for my next question um in reading the book in how often kind of you kind of encourage parents to take ownership of the boundaries that we're setting instead of just saying well you know we just don't do that saying like no this is what I think the right answer is or this is how I believe um we need to you know behave in our home or I think you do need to wear a jacket outside whatever it is kind of on big profound or more kind of quotidian levels um can you just talk a little bit about kind of why you think it is so important that kind of we as parents take responsibility for the rules that we're articulating by naming ourselves in those rules instead of kind of you know acting as if they kind of have just come down from on high yeah I think parental agency like I haven't been asked about that before but it is a really big part of good inside and what I always used to say to parents who came to me in my private practice and I really mean these two truths as you know being able to hold them both at the same time is whatever is going on with your kid I really believe this I really believe it is not a parent fault I fully believe that I also fully believe that as the leader of our family system it is our responsibility to think about how to shift things in the system so our kid can learn what they need to learn and probably shift out of this kind of stage difficult stage they're in it's not our fault and it is our responsibility and I think when our kid is struggling it's so easy for me too right with my kids to go into what is wrong with me or what is wrong with my kid mode right it usually sounds like why is my kid the only kid who doesn't join you know soccer class and what's wrong with them and and then we'd fast forward they're never going to have any friends and you know they're never going to be invited to anything right or we go into like why haven't I given my kid confidence and like what's wrong with me and when we go into what's wrong with my kid or what's wrong with M mode we actually are totally stuck there's no agency there's a hopelessness we kind of just spiral and again we all get into that mode so there's no need to further blame ourselves it's just so empowering to start to recognize okay I'm in that mode and when we shift into a mode of Parental agency we can say okay I can't immediately change my kid's Behavior through control but my kid operates in a system that's why I've always loved working with systems I love working with businesses or I love working with families because when you work in a system and you change one element of the system there's such a multiplicative effect like everyone kind of has to change so let's say my kid is not listening right I might say okay it's not my fault they're not listening I wonder if I changed one thing like how my daughter would respond to that right you recommend great so I actually think and you mentioned boundaries around agency boundaries are where I always start with parents when listening is a problem because there's so many different things we can do to improve listening but often when listening is really really poor we think we're setting a boundary when we're not setting a boundary and boundaries like are one of my favorite topics okay so let's just Define what they are a boundary is something you tell someone you will do and it requires the other person to do nothing and so if we think about a time when we think we're setting a boundary and I'll use my son as an example okay we live in New York City there's in elevator where we live and my youngest has 0% people pleasing in him okay maybe good later in life very inconvenient short term right and so he doesn't particularly care about like following the rules especially who's younger like trying to be compliant for you know my benefit not a thing so for a while he'd get into the elevator in our building and just press every button you know every button right and I would be in the lobby and I'd say don't don't press the buttons don't press the buttons you're not going to press the buttons he pressed and then I he pressed the buttons be like he never listens to me it's not listening I'm going to go back to the definition of boundaries a boundary is something I would tell my kid I will do and it would require my kid to do nothing I was not setting a boundary I was making a request that's true but understanding when we're setting a boundary and when we're making a request actually helps us understand a listening problem if I really don't want my kid to press those buttons and he's young and he just doesn't have the ability to manage those urges this is what i' do I'd say when we get into the elevator just so you know I'm going to stand between you and the buttons and if you lunge forward I will block your body because I'm just not going to let you press all the buttons in the elevator that is a boundary my a physical boundary it's a physical boundary Dr bey's like I was the boundary I was the boundary this was not metaphorical yeah I'm not working out for nothing you know there you go um exactly or and and often those boundaries are physical right if it's too hard to turn off the TV by the time I get over you to you I will take the remote sweetie because screen time is over and when we set an actual boundary you know what it always prevents let me have the remote let me have the remote I ask you for the remote I ask you for the remote why don't you give me the remote and then we say you know forget it no screen time tomorrow and then we're like the only one who suffers from that decision and make up a million reasons that we're like well I said no screen time but I guess I didn't say no iPad so you can have iPad it's like the randomst stuff right because actually I just didn't do my job in the beginning of setting a boundary and so when we come back to the agency you know I think agency can almost be confused with you know fault again it's not our fault it's actually I find it very empowering as a parent to say if things are off with my six-year-old like I can't wait for my six-year-old to have a Moment of clarity for my life to get better like I don't know if you're willing to make that bet I'm not willing to make that bet I'd rather bet on myself and say okay it's not my fault but why don't I think about setting a boundary in a different way maybe my six-year-old needs 5 minutes of my time without my phone in the room just to feel more connected to me and it's not that I didn't do that in the past which made him be a bad listener it's just I have the opportunity to do it now and then things can get more pleasant for all of us you you just spoke now and you certainly you write in the book about uh listening to our children you know in our family and this will probably um surprise no one in the audience once I explain kind of how we explain uh when we listen to our children in our house um and that we say to our children you know sometimes we're really going to make family decisions and everyone is going to have a voice we're going to figure out kind of what we want to do together and sometimes our family um exists in a dynamic where you have a voice but not a vote because while we believe in democracy this family is not actually a democracy um and I and maybe some of you are like wow she's really starting Civics lessons very early um with our children and yes we are we do find it helpful to clarify for our kids like here's really when you actually like get to influence what we're doing and here's where you don't get to influence what we're doing and just I know again we absolutely don't always get it right but I have found that Clarity and that transparency really then kind of builds the trust that at least they're more likely to accept when we say you don't actually get a vote today and I think that's it's it's so beautiful and so important I want to kind of expound on that a little bit it's really important that our kids feel our Authority in moments and sometimes our Authority involves making decisions together and sometimes it doesn't and I think an example of this right like imagine being on a plane okay and you're you're a passenger and there's I don't know there's some situation out there we don't fully know about because we're not the pilot some weather pattern and imagine your pilot getting on the speaker okay and saying we're not going to be able to land in Los Angeles we we have to make an emergency landing in Denver and I'm I'm sorry that's inconvenient is that is that okay with everyone some wait someone doesn't want me to do that they really okay let me reconsider you know I mean what you need in certain moments from a sturdy pilot is actually you want to hear that they see your inconvenience hey I have some news you might not like we're not going to be able to land in Los Angeles there's a situation my job is to keep everyone safe we're going to land in Denver and determine things from there and then if people protest and you hear other passengers saying what I don't think it's that bad think about how disturbing it would be to hear the pilot change course because someone's upset right it really would be what you want to hear is some version of I hear some disgruntled passengers back there I'd feel that way way too and I'm going to get off the loudspeaker now because I'm going to make sure we land safely and we can talk about it more on the ground and our kids actually really need that from us there are definitely times for collaboration right maybe you're picking between two TV shows and you're like I really don't care but there's other moments at different ages where we say to our kid and this is one of my favorite lines I've already said it but I'll kind of encapsulate it again my number one job is to keep you safe and I say to my kids all the time what do you think matters more keeping you safe or keeping you happy and they know keeping me safe okay fine you know and I say that to them I love you so much that I will make decisions that I think are best for you even when you are upset with me that is actually how much I love you right maybe that relates to a bedtime or to not having a sleepover or not having social media at a certain age right I mean there's so many different things across the lifespan but our kids don't always get to come in the cockpit pit and make decisions and even though a passenger on a plane having an emergency landing might not say to the pilot thank you so much for your sturdiness and Landing our plane where it needs to be landed I think we all know we are grateful for a pilot who knows when it's time to do their job and I think that's really really important for us to keep in mind as well um I like that pilot analogy and we'll borrow it with due attribution um you know another thing kind of in your book and in your work is how important it is for parents to be present and you you spoke earlier about kind of you know the maybe TV to iPad uh Switcheroo um in trying to maintain the letter but not the spirit of the uh law that had been kind of laid down the night before um one of the kind of Frameworks I really liked um and apologies if I don't kind of get the um acronym correct is the you know like play no phone time um and turning that into a game rather than just a and now we're everybody's putting down their devices and I'd say to my husband you have to go like lock it in a drawer um which means I don't trust him but I do it's because I trust that he wants to be present I need to require him to lock in a drawer um but but why do you think um play is so important as a bigger question and why do you think play is so especially important kind of in this question that I'm sure every parent here um navigates as we try to find the balance between kind of the connectivity that um technology can facilitate and I think particularly for those of us who have family and far Fong places really kind of appreciates and also um not wanting our children to grow up kind of codependent yeah um with a piece of Hardware yeah so many different things to say on this one first of all just put it out there this is not like a shame moment I'm on my phone we're all on our phones I do not have this all figured out I think the best it gets in like modern parenting is struggling with like your own phone struggling with screen time with your kids if you're struggling and you feel like everything changes week to week I promise that's all I'm doing too I think that's the best it gets there's no perfect way to do this so I think a lot of my thoughts around at least me being on a phone around my kid actually comes from attachment Theory which is been a big influence in my thinking totally different from attachment parenting just attachment theory is really the idea that more than anything our kids are dependent on their attachment to their primary caregivers because it's through their attachment to their primary caregivers that they get food shelter water love all the things that make them survive right human beings are helpless for more years than I think any other animal species right so they have to learn as kids to be really close to their parent right and attachment is actually a system of proximity it's how close is my parent do they want to be close to me that's actually a distance thing and obviously we're talking about emotional kind of closeness too and so our kids are always paying attention to the way we give attention to them how present we are how available and moments when we're not right again I'm often not in my family too and one of the things I think about a lot just because the image of it strikes me is I think about how many times when I was a kid I kind of wanted my parents' attention and a device was like literally blocking you know the distance between us and I think it was probably like zero right I even think it was probably really hard for my parents or all of our parents to be too distracted like they would have had to like open up a newspaper and like been like sorry I'm reading an article right there just weren't as many distractions it was like hard and for me I think about the percentage of time my kids want my attention in way my attachment and they see the back of my phone before they see me so there's like literally a block and I'll be honest my own house it's it's a high percentage it's definitely higher than I'd want it to be and I do believe one of the reasons not all of the reasons but one of the reasons we see so many more behavioral issues happening with kids is they're so dependent on their attachment to us to learn how to regulate and we me too are we're disconnected we're distracted we're like overwhelmed in the information age right and then our kids become more difficult if you're like me you kind of want to escape more and We're Off to the Races in the wrong direction this is not a call for like a device free house right I think I'm personally just a pragmatist at heart that stuff wouldn't even work for me so I wouldn't you know ask anyone to do that but yes PNP time to me is this like very dosable idea and I came up with a term just after my son my oldest said to me one day many years ago he's like you're on your phone lot like I just try to get your attention you're like on your phone it's annoying and in the moment I was like I'm working or whatever self-righteous thing I said and at night I was like what's the most gender interpretation I was like the most tenderous interpretation is that he's just like saying the truth and I'm on my phone too much and I remember going to him like the next day and I just said you know we're going to do something new this week you know most days the days in I'm home at least um let's do something called play no phone and I don't even have to really tell him what it was he's like got it he's like oh we're going to play without your phone in the room and that's what we did and some days it was 5 minutes and some days it was 10 minutes and maybe just like your husband I have to put my phone behind two doors myself like it's always behind my bedroom door and behind my bathroom door they both have to be closed or else I like hear the ding and like I don't know I just can't make decisions anymore and during that time I have to be honest because if you start doing it I want to you to be prepared it's really hard it might I really mean this it might feel Panic inducing and it's not the panic of spending time with your kid I think our devices more than anything else like they steal our sense of enoughness because there's just always something more we could be doing we could be ordering on Amazon we could be scrolling we could be learning something we could be responding to the email we could be responding to the text and and they call that and there's this belief like I could do that then I'm going to finally do enough and they steal that from us and so I know for me the only antidote when I'm doing PNP time with my kid which usually just looks like sitting and doing Play-Doh something very very simple it just means my phone not in the room is I actually say to myself Becky I have to get really hyperbolic I say there's nothing more important than sitting and doing Play-Doh right now there is nothing in the world that matters more than sitting and you know playing dolls whatever it is and then I really do say to myself I'm doing enough I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now and those words allow me to actually do PNP time because I think without them like like it actually really is hard to be present without our devices well and you talk a lot about mantras in the book and clearly you have your own mantras I think I found that so resonant because my grandmother with whom I was fiercely close I was um lucky enough to have my grandmother my mom's mom in my life uh until um she passed away at this still far too young age of 92 um and she had many mantras in her life and so I was primed to be receptive to your kind of monrif foration if that's even a word um of how to navigate kind of these moments and have real discipline in these moments because my grandmother had so many mantras around you know nothing maybe arguably profound but I think they facilitated her leading a life of deep kind of meaning and purpose and of being present and so just curious kind of when you realized how important these mantras would be kind of for you and and for your patients yeah um I I do I love mantras when I was writing my book I remember my Eder being like there's a few too many mantras it's like one the biggest edits now I'm like what mantras did not make it into the book I'll send you the the unpublished Mantra chapters well here's the thing right mantras just the way I think about them they're just like simple words you repeat to yourself for that your kids can learn to repeat to themselves and the reason I think mantras are so powerful is if you think about any moment that's anxiety producing right maybe you're about to I don't know do something at work or maybe you're trying to sit through your kids's tantrum or your kids trying to separate from you all of those moments to me they feel like a tornado that just keeps getting bigger to me anxiety in a moment it's just like the swirl it's like uncontained and then and then we go off in a million directions and so do our kids what about this and what about this happens and that would happen and that would happen and if you think about the image of that it's just this huge uncontained space it's very very out of control what a mantra is is it's simple it's like the opposite as a felt experience it's simple repeatable words you say over and over and over and if you think about what it does for you instead of the swirl and the expansion it gives you something to actually feel kind of in control over and very focused in the moment so I'll give two examples right I think I really realized the power of a mantra without realizing it was a mantra this is actually how everything at good inside started is I thought I was going to put out the Sleep product at the time for my daughter who is having a ton of um issues with sleep right going to sleep waking up middle of the night all the things and I remember someone who I respected being like just lock her in her room it'll be a couple bad nights and I was like not I'm not I'm not going to do that so there has to be a better way and I was like well what do I know about separation and attachment and I always think killing two birds with one stone like there's no strategy I ever want to give a parent that doesn't once help today and build the skill your kid needs for tomorrow I feel like as parents we are too busy if we are not efficient in that way um we're like we're wasting time right and I'm all about efficiency so I thought locking my daughter in a room just okay maybe she's going to go to sleep because she's terrified but that's not a skill for life why don't I help her develop the skill she would need to soothe herself at night which will also help her every other moment she separates that would be good and so I end coming with this Mantra I didn't realize at the time where she ended up saying to herself as part of her routine right it was like Mommy is near Alex is safe my bed is cozy there was this little you know sing song to it we had it as part of her routine we'd say it together as I walked out her door and sure enough there were moments literally through the monitor I'd hear her at 2: a.m. singing herself back to sleep saying this over and over cuz if you think about where's mommy and I'm going to sleep and I'm scared and I'm this if you think about the expansion of this versus mommy is near Alex is safe my bed is cozy and every time you do it given you've done it before it brings you a moment of familiarity and agency and empowerment instead of the opposite overwhelm and confusion and unfamiliarity and I then like this is literally the go-to Mantra in our sleep program and it's really nuts parents will take that program and they say as soon as I did the Mantra the sleep 50% better like I don't even know how that happen but it makes sense the Sleep anxiety just got 50% less the size of it my favorite montra for adults okay is really my go-to Mantra whenever my kids are upset and it's especially powerful when kids are in the midst of a tantrum why do we have such a hard time staying calm when our kids are not it's not because we're bad people a lot of it is actually our bodies go back to what we learned when we were upset and most of us would probably say yeah the adults around me definitely weren't calm so we've kind of taken that model in but also our bodies literally get confused we see our kids terrified and disregulated and our bodies really get confused it's almost like they're terrified they're disregulated then we become terrified and disregulated we look to shut down our kids Tantrums truly become because they become a pawn in our emotion regulation game we're like I need you to stop so this experience can stop the downside of that is neither of us really learn how to manage difficult emotions right the opportunity there is if we can remind our body that that kind of tornado in our kid first of all is actually okay no one's actually dying but also it's their body it's actually not ours then our body can differentiate their swirl doesn't become our swirl the whole thing becomes a little bit smaller my go-to Mantra there it might sound dramatic but it's so important is just I'm safe this is not an emergency I can cope with this that is also a good Mantra when you're arguing with your partner when your boss seems mad at you any of it because what you're really doing for your body is instead of kind of taking in and absorbing someone else's swirl of disregulation you're actually reminding your body that kind of your feet are on the ground and that you're safe and that you're actually capable totally changes everything well and that our kind of mental and social emotional health are not disconnected from our physical health right that these are not kind of kind of disaggregated or discreet realities and I think something else really powerful kind of in your book Dr Becky is is the physicality of like you know the admonition that we all need to learn to sit with our feelings that we particularly as parents need to role model kind of what it means um in kind of physical kind of three-dimensional space how to navigate our own feelings um can you talk about kind of how you really came to understand whether it's kind of sitting on the feelings bench or kind of the other um reminders to parents that these are physical experiences that often need kind of at least partly kind of physical navigation tools yeah yeah I mean the way I really think about feelings is like feelings are forces and I think that image is really powerful and it explains a lot of our and our kids kind of bad behavior so if feelings are forces the feelings that we've learned we are not supposed to experience and hear have extra reason to catapult out of our body and express themsel out there in our Behavior we can either tolerate our feelings in our body or they can express themselves in our Behavior those are our only two choices we've tried for centuries to push them down doesn't really work and that actually also expresses oursel we know in you know physical reality in various health conditions those are our only options right and so when we think about our kids having certain feelings the idea again of separating just like I separate identity from Behavior it's also really powerful to separate feelings from Behavior All feelings are okay some behaviors are not right all feelings can get yes some behaviors need to get a no not because they're bad just they're actually like unsafe for the kid for everyone else and so if you think about that as a foundation then you know we can get to the next part which is okay well if all feelings are okay and if feelings are forces if they can't be tolerated they'll come out in Behavior the question is well how can I then help my kid tolerate the widest range of feelings possible I actually think that's what resilience is going into adulthood it's kind of our ability to tolerate the widest range of feelings as we can cuz short term when our kids are young certain feelings they are they're very inconvenient anger jealousy sadness right they're inconvenient because kids are born with feelings and none of the skills and so they express themselves in difficult behaviors but if you think about your kid when they're 18 and older maybe out of our house like I don't know one adult who doesn't feel anger jealousy or sadness like we can't talk our kids out of those feelings so either we interact with our kids when they're young in a way that helps them develop skills to manage all those feelings or we kind of send them into adulthood being as unprepared to manage those feelings as they were when they were toddlers except we know the stakes are actually a lot higher if you can't manage your feelings as adults and so I wanted then we can make this transition to what you were saying the feel feelings bench because again how do we put this idea into action because it's e say okay so I'm going to help my kid tolerate all their feelings I'm going to help them tolerate all their feelings I know I'd walk out being like I don't really know what to do but that's an interesting idea um and I would hate that so right now picture your kid kind of walking around a garden okay and to me this is like what life is right this is like all their experiences and all of the different benches that are around this Garden are just different feelings they have maybe different experiences but let's say their feelings or jealousy and anger and our kids often come to us when they're on one of these benches they're let's say they're jealous I hate that my you know I hate my brother he's so much better at soccer than I am or he's the worst whatever you know our kid would say and most of us have the inclination when our kids are sitting on a kind of distressing bench to do one of two things we either try to take them off and kind of Point them to the sunny area we're like wait but you're such a good reader and we're kind of like come over here or we try to convince them that their bench isn't their bench oh it's not that big of a deal oh come on you're making this into such a big thing neither of those build resilience because actually what a kid encodes next to their feeling is that their parent was scared of them having their feeling so they en code are fear next to their distress that only makes distress bigger over time so it actually lowers their resilience what actually helps kids build resilience is our tolerating their feelings before they can tolerate their feelings our kids can never learn to tolerate feelings that we don't tolerate in them that doesn't mean we tolerate Behavior I wouldn't let my kid hit his brother because he was jealous but the feeling itself we have to normalize we actually have to and there's really three steps I think that we can take really three lines right because I like to make it super concrete to do what I call like sitting on the feelings bench with them because if you picture your kid on that bench all they actually need is for us to sit with them because as soon as you sit with them what you're really saying is I still like you when you feel this way this feeling that's overwhelming to you isn't overwhelming to me it's not I'm not trying to convince you you should feel a different way I'm not trying to convince you you don't actually feel the extent of the feeling like I see you and I'm willing to sit with you in it and I think if we're honest with oursel when you're really upset that is all you want your partner or close friend to do you're like please literally sit down next to me don't tell me it's not a big deal don't tell me I should have perspective just sit down and listen and allow this to be because I can't tolerate this feeling if I'm alone but I can tolerate it if you sit with me that is everything that is not soft that is everything that is effective about emotion regulation in life so I want to share these three lines because I think I think these three lines are probably like 90% of all we ever have to say to our kid I'm not successful in doing that just so you know but I'm working on it myself and the first line when our kid is upset once they're safe once we've kind of regulated any bad behavior right is just I'm so glad you're telling me this it's so important I think it's one of the most underu Iz lines in any relationship when our kid is upset when our partner is upset right like imagine going to your partner being like hey I I really don't want to go to your family for the holiday this year and imagine them saying to you really like I'm so glad you're telling me this it's really important for me to know it's like I think it's laughable because we're like that's probably not the reaction I would get but this is not your partner necessarily even saying they would switch locations but actually just saying essentially when you say to someone I'm so glad you're talking to me about this it's so important what you're saying is I am interested in the part of you who feels this way I am interested in being in a relationship with that feeling feelings are forces when forces are able to get connection they don't have to explode out of our body I am so glad you're talking to me about this it's so important and the next line I believe you if there's a line that builds confidence and kids it is those three words cuz confidence is not feeling good about yourself it's trusting yourself and trusting yourself is trusting your feelings it's trusting like I really do feel this way and I'm allowed to feel this way that's really confidence I believe you right my kid says oh my brother's always doing soccer and he's so much better than me I'm so glad you're talking to me about this it's so important oh and he always is on the team it's really hard I I believe you and then the third line is going to sound very unfulfilling it's just tell me more and that's it and I remember sitting in private practice with someone and I was kind of coming up with these lines and they're like I wrote them down and they're like and then what and I think if we're a person who asks a question and then what and I'm like this too it speaks to our own temperament we kind of like a quick solution I think if we're someone who asks and then what probably the answer always is nothing you've done it you've done it that's it and you'll be amazed with your kid how often when you get there because you're sitting on the bench with them I really mean this they get up from the bench before you do they end up saying you know I'm pretty good at reading and you're like oh my I like totally different than me just saying that to you right away you came to that yourself or yeah I don't know can we do something else or you know maybe I don't have to go to every one of my brother's soccer games maybe once in a while I could have a play date in which case I be like you know that's a great solution kids solve their own problems when we sit on the bench with them because the problem wasn't the lack of a solution the problem was actually a lack of support well we um we have quite a few questions from the audience so thank you to everyone who wrote and apologies if we don't get to the ones that you submitted um we have a few that kind of revolve around the same um kind of area of how do you think about um kind of your children being in friend groups when different parents have different approaches whether to feelings or boundaries or when they have different mantras what advice do you have for parents kind of navigating what is probably inevitable for all of us it's a great question and I think there's even broader extensions what if my partner doesn't parent the same way I do what if my kids spend a lot of time with their grandparents or their cousins and they don't parent the same way I do um first of all nobody else has to parent the same way you do for your parenting to have a massive impact on your kid I just think that's so relieving even your partner right I mean people come to me all the time and they're often they they're often say can you convince my partner why your way is the best way and can you just have a session and I'm like I'm so not interested in walking into that fire um you know but I also would say to them you know I'd want to explore the deeper fear and we don't really need people to do the same thing and not only that being around people who do things differently I think is actually you know assuming there's no harm done to your child is really healthy for your kid and it actually really crystallizes for them like the way you interact with them like we all kind of crystallize knowledge when we see differences and I think one of my favorite lines around these things and I'll share it then show how I'd utilize it is just you're right to notice that right so I'll give you an example um you know when I'm with this friend we get to do this amount of screen time or they don't have bed times at sleepovers they get to stay up late their mom is cooler than you you know my kids will say that to me all the time and I'll say oh so when you're at that friend's house you get to stay up super late my kid was like yeah and I'm like you're right to notice that that is different than what I do and and I mean it like I don't and I'm not going to say you know well I don't know if his mom really loves him because doesn't protect his sleep like I'm not going to say that right or but I bet you're all really tired in the morning all of a sudden my kids like but they're not tired in the morning I'm like I'm sure they are and I'm like what what I do not want to be having this conversation there's no justification right I think in general and this is a beer point the more we convince ourselves that we believe in the way we do things the less we actually have to justify it to anyone or seek reassurance from anyone especially our kid right and so if I say to myself okay and first of all for this happens in my family I'm like no wonder you like sleeping at his house not in a bad way it's more fun like you should sleep at his house like that actually sounds like a lot of fun and then I can just say yes that is really different and I think this happens a lot actually when parents parent differently we get so focused and trying to make our partner do the same thing that we actually miss centering our kids experience where they're actually just looking to understand the difference we hear our partner I don't know do something with our kid and we go to them we get this big argument versus thing in my house it would right I I have a husband so I would say in my house oh like you're noticing I do things differently and dad like Dad would do it this way I did it this way that is really different you're right to notice that and I've kind of helped my kid understand the difference and often not much more is is needed after that well and at least I say to my kids like you can tell me anything right I want to know whatever you want to tell me and I think sometimes they say things to me like expecting like you know I got to have two desserts and I'm going to be like whoa and I'm like oh so you got to have two desserts and then they're sort of disappointed that I'm not kind of more um incensed um but I at least for me I don't want to be in sense because I want I want to know what their lived realities are and I also want them to pick up on the differences um and yet sometimes we know as kind of also another set of questions really probes that um there are unacceptable differences and so there's a set of questions around how do you help your child um if they're being bullied or how do you explain bullying to your children how do you address the parents of a child who may have bullied your child so we have a set of questions around that Dr Becky great um I love this topic too because I think what I'm about to share is something that's often really missed in the discussion and to me is like the most massive difference for a kid's ability to cope so you know there could be a wide range of things that you know bullying could mean but let's say I don't know your kid comes home and they're like these kids always say these really mean things you're a loser no one likes you let's say it's something you know like that um I think our go-to response is either we kind of go to call the school right away and we're like I'm going to call the school this is unacceptable or we say to our kid oh like well what could you say back to them like what could you say back to them and actually in both of those initial reactions I feel like what's missed like I don't know why I picture a kid who's upset and then I picture me like going to call the school and I picture my kid kind of a again like alone like where did you go like you're so fast to call the school like what about just sitting in my experience with me like you don't even really know what happened yet or you're so focused on telling me what to say back to the kid that it almost is like oh it's one more thing I messed up like I got bullied I didn't say the right thing all the best intentions right none of these things mess up kids but to me the thing that's really missed is the skill someone really needs when people say mean things to them is to re-access their own groundedness is actually be able to find themselves in that moment they have to be able in some ways to like put a little bubble around themselves take this thing that was said to them and a little bit be like o I'm going to take that out I'm going to remind myself what I know about myself I'm going to re access my own goodness and my own confidence right we actually don't get confidence it can feel good we don't get confidence by like saying a Zinger to a bully that can feel like an amazing moment but we actually can't even say a Zinger back to a bully if you're in a State of Shock and overwhelm you have to reground yourself first so this happened in my house and I can say like the first thing I really did those three lines and this matters so much your kid is bullied nothing matters more than saying to your kid I am so glad you're talking to me about this because bullying when they're eight I promise you whatever is going to happen when they're 18 or 38 is actually going to maybe even be higher stakes and you want your kid's body to remember an uncomfortable situation next to you being a safe person to talk to they will remember that Association that's why our teenagers come to talk to us when they're older because they remember when they were younger not up here they don't remember they literally remember with their body whether they want to approach you and find you or whether a moment did not feel good so that's what I'd say first the intervention to me before deciding what to say back to the bully or before deciding to talk to the school which totally could be necessary is I'd want to go through something like this with my kid and I'm going to give two strategies the first one I'm just going to model and then I'm going to explain it because it's almost hard to explain it where were you when she said that to you oh you're on top of the hill like on the bench oh no not on the bench oh by the pavement huh and oh and then you walk to where the Box ball court is and then was Kelsey with you oh she wasn't there that day okay and then oh and then the bell rang okay and then you walked in with friends oh you didn't you walked in alone okay what am I doing none of those questions need to be written down like none of them really matter the worst part of any experience is feeling alone the worst part of feeling bullied is actually that you're totally alone without your safe adult near you without someone safe the aloneness is actually what's more painful than the thing itself it's the alone in the experience you can hear through my set of questions and I could cry as I speak about this I feel like I'm infusing my presence back into the story my child we actually know I spoke this my TED Talk memory isn't an event memory is an event combined with every other time you've remembered that event this is why therapy is effective right you remember events kind of more supportive environment it changes the way the memory lives in your body I actually through this experience am removing the loness I'm putting myself back sometimes I've even said to my kid you know if I was there and I know I wasn't I don't know what I would have said I definitely would have given you a hug I just would have been like I'm we're going to get through this together that actually will change the memory of the event and the impact it will have on my kid if I've done nothing else I I promise you I've done more than enough what would I do after that anything maybe after that settled I'd say I know this is something kind of really weird but you're a smart kid so I think you're going to get it when kids say mean things to other kids most people think what should I say back to them but it's actually I'll say like the wrong order of operations it's not right what matters most after someone says something mean to you is what you say to yourself I wonder what you would say to yourself next time they say you're a basketall a bad basketball player I wonder what you could say to yourself maybe I'd come up with it I actually went through this with the ones who said their kid was pretty Visual and they actually Drew their kid like a little stick figure with almost like a little bubble around I wonder if you could imagine this bubble put that kid outside we just want to make our kids less penetrable right to what other people think of them which doesn't happen when we focus them on what to say back to someone that actually makes them more penetrable the focus is on what to say to someone else instead of regaining your composure and then sometimes what would I say to a school I'm big on always approaching a school as your you're on the same team I'm actually big on trying to do that with everyone whenever you're in conflict with someone if you approach them like they're the problem defenses go up if you approach them like you're on the same team against a problem you can collaborate and I often start that way with the school hey I just want to say from the start I know we're on the same team I know we want the best for all the kids in the school and I heard something that happened at recess that I I actually just figured you'd want to know about and I figured if we kind of talked about it together we could maybe I don't know figure out to have a little more oversight figure out what's going on for all I know you know a part of the story I don't know um but I just thought I'd share with you what I know so we can then make a game plan schools tend to be I mean anybody a partner a boss you know anyone tends kids tend to be much more collaborative when they're approached as a collaborator instead of as an an an antagonist I I know we're running out of time but I want to get to a couple last questions um a few questions about teenagers and how oh you're nodding yes um how to support kind of healthy um development in teenagers how to support um kind of teenagers kind of as they're looking to be good siblings to one another I mean just there were quite a few questions about teenagers so Dr Becky high level on teen teenagers if you're a parent of a teen right now I mean really it is is so hard I mean I think parenting right now again in this information age with social media I've said this recently um to me the to me the angle about kids mental health and the impact of social media that's not covered enough in the media is just the cost to not being able to set boundaries with our kids has just never been so high because it used to be like okay I don't love to set boundaries my kids have extra dessert now like I don't love to set boundaries like I don't know my kids are at Tik Tok at like a really young age like my you know I don't like to set boundaries and like things are happening on Snapchat that we know are really really bad for kids mental health and at the same time we're kind of being asked as parents to set boundaries that like I do hope at some point are like regulated right like that's what happened with cigarettes like kids just weren't allowed to buy them right um and so I think we're in like a really really tough position and again if you're struggling with it I think that's the best you know gets I think my number one thing I would say about teens is teenagers are so desperate for their parents' continued attempt to connect with them and they will never gratify it they will never say thank you love you no they won't have it but I'll tell the story because I think stories are how we all understand things um I used to see a lot of teens in my private practice and I saw this really really feisty teenager who she was probably like 14 and this is not all teens no fearmongering here she came in cuz she was cutting right she had a cut cutting problem I remember asking her in the consultation how long have has this been going on and she's like oh 2 years and I was just like oh well like why did it take you so long to come to my office or maybe not my office someone's office because I know it's her first time in therapy and she goes well let me tell you my parents found out about it and they tried to talk to me about it and they even tried to send me to therapy and I was like I'm not going to therapy I'm just going to waste your money and oh you think I have a problem you like she was talking about her sister she's the perfect one and I'm the messed up one so that's why I have to go to therapy and like if you send me to therapy I'm never talking to you again and then she got my heart's racing and then she got really really quiet and I don't know there was something in me that moment I just knew not to say anything and her whole body changed in the silence because she ended that part saying and then you know so I didn't go and she was silent and then she looked at me and she just said can you believe they let me make that decision I mean and she started hysterically crying and I started crying and she kept telling me stories like this I'd say get out of my room and and they would and I'd open up the door and they weren't there and this is not my way of saying knock down your teenage kids door sit outside their door for hours like nothing that conrete but the teenage years are hard kids have to push us away to have enough space to develop their own identity but don't take the bait they need to push you away and you need to keep coming back and that doesn't necessarily mean being a punching bag like you can say to a teen hey I love you you're a good kid I know there's another way you can say this to me because I actually really do want to work through this together that's a way of kind of setting a boundary and again seeing the good good inside your kid but I know for a fact and more than ever with everything going on in the world that your kid needs you to have PNP time your kid needs you when they say get out of my room and I mean this with a teenager to write a note that just says I love you that was hard we're going to get through this and slip it under their door and I promise you they will read it and even if you hear them ripped rip it up they have read it and they needed to rip it up to take in the vulnerable connection they need to push you away so they can take you in but if they push you away and then you're not there their worst fears are confirmed so keep trying and my favorite topic is repair and I think it's so easy to hear all these things me too I hear myself talking and I'm like oh I've messed up a lot of things with my own kids I didn't do the thing I said and tens and just really if there's one message that I want parents to know at any age teenage or younger it's just there's no such thing as too late it's not a thing our bodies are oriented by attachment I really believe like they're seeking connection and they're seeking reconnection and like I always think when I'm in a room like how amazing would it be if every single one of us like I think about the ripples go to our kids tonight or tomorrow morning and we just say something like hey you know I was listening to this thing and I think I haven't always been there you know maybe a teenager I haven't always been there and I'm just going to try to do more listening cuz it's really hard to be a teenager and I just want to be able to be there for you or you say to your kid you know yesterday I yelled at you and that was a moment I was having a hard time and if I could go back I would have stepped aside and I'm going to work on managing my feelings just like you're working on managing yours like that is what our kids need more than anything else like so really like I hope with every parenting you know talk you ever hear like you're like you you take ideas and put them in the back of your head they're useful but like the idea at the front of your head just be like I did not mess up my kid forever it is not too late repair is the most powerful parenting strategy we have and you're here tells me like you're probably doing a really good job well that answered quite a few of the other questions on the cards um and I want to be mindful and respectful of Dr Becky's time of all of your time of everyone here um at the 92nd Street why I think certainly um Dr Becky has given all of us a lot to think about arguably hopefully even more to do starting tomorrow morning with our children regardless of however old they are unless of course you're the parent who's let your child stay up past 8:16 at night but no judgment because we're all working on our most generous interpretations as exhorted by Dr Becky um but truly we all um need to remember until it is built into our cellular selves um that we all are indeed good inside um and also that we always can be better and that we're so thankful to have people like Dr Becky who are so generous with their vulnerability with their expertise kind of with their advice with their compassion and ultimately with themselves so please give Dr Becky a big round of applause thank you so much [Music]

Channel: The 92nd Street Y, New York

Views: 5,084

Keywords: 92nd Street Y, 92nd Street Y New York, 92NY

Id: cR2LIRN6NAk

Length: 63min 47sec (3827 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 17 2023