DOUBLE TEAM BAD MOVIE ROAST | Double Toasted

this show is sponsored by better help online therapy you are your greatest asset it's time you started investing in that visit betterhelp.com forward slash double toasted and take care of you good you're like i'm not giving you the pleasure and you know what the funny thing is is that mickey rourke has stavros he you saw how he broke that glass he's like damn that look good hey let me get some of that tell you that uh [Music] hey everyone support our patreon which helps us to continue bringing you our live streams videos and podcasts while bringing you new content such as exclusive live streams and animated shorts great job let's go ahead and get into it y'all but before we do i need to let you know that this portion of the show is sponsored by hello fresh hello fresh how are you you know we're about to do this bad movie rose for a movie called double team me and i've been double teaming in the kitchen man oh man but you know what the minute you start i was like don't do it don't do it please don't do it but it's true we have been cooking together we never do that we never do that but now we do through the magic of hellofresh you know i'm not just cooking more than i ever have i'm cooking more with my wife they send over these meals that you can get pre-packaged now that you do the cooking but they send you all the ingredients and they send them all for one person or two people or family if you have it and since they i i have requested to get meals for two people girl and i have been what's that they're great they're great and hurting my folks all the time oh you do oh yeah and that's because hello fresh it makes cooking fun and easy you know like i tell you they got these pre-measured ingredients that allow us to make not just good meals but low-calorie meals healthy meals everything's labeled everything is labeled they send you these ingredients and these recipes and so with the ingredients you have they lay out all the recipes in the back and how to do it took me about i don't know an hour the first time to do crunchy italian chicken sheet pan bake and i did make this and i made it well but now we did a couple other recipes and meals i'm down to 30 minutes my friend really i'll be chopping oh yeah man that's what i'll be doing i'm about to get my about to get my chef's hat man you know what if i can cook it and make it look good and tastes good then you can too and i want you to try it out for yourself i'm going to give you something very special right here i'm going to give you a code to let them know that double toast extension go to hellofresh.com forward slash double toasted 14 and use code doubletoasted14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping and again i want to thank hellofresh for sponsoring this portion of the show and thanks to all of you for your support i used to love dennis rodman as much as anybody else really yeah i did because he was so weird me too i like that great basketball player okay great basketball player and i'm gonna tell you something man dennis rodman out of and i've said this to y'all before out of all the terrifying halloween masks that i've seen out there dennis rodman oh he's making the most terrifying one where's the mask that's damn droopy eyes yeah they have to do over here like that the show didn't work man i went to a halloween party with tony and tony just bought this mask on a whim and we went when we went to that party he had a hoodie he put that hoodie on and walked around the room and every woman they came up to like nah that's enough that's all right so it was only a matter of time before hollywood came a knocking and saying hey let us make a movie with you dennis but to really make you start we got to team me up with somebody who's already out there somebody big and the way to get people is to do it with an action film an action film called double team let him in breville he's the nation's top counter terrorist the other one i don't know man i look at you i see nothing but trouble what the hell i kind of like trouble [Laughter] oh so oh my god yeah this is where we got jean-claude van damme is sort of uh james bond type guy who he not only does he have to save the world once again from a crazy-ass terrorist but in the if that wasn't enough he now has to save his son and his wife his newborn son yep son actually born while she's hanging out with the villain a guy named stavron i think stavros staff chevron that's always the thing in these movies is a guy named stavros is the villain played by mickey rourke when he still looked human somewhat of course he had plans for world domination but now he said you know what you killed my son jack jack of course being jean-claude van damme he says so now i'm going to take your son because you owe me that hey you owe me a son you owe me a boy so i don't know what i'm going to do with him i might i might raise myself i might kill this little mother i don't know either way it goes hey come and talk to me you ain't gonna get him yeah either way though yeah you're not gonna have him come home at me and we'll see what we can work out i don't think it's gonna work in your favor though this movie's all over the damn place this this movie this i what kills me about this movie is that within it is a really good idea you know there's a good idea and even that's not theirs you know those movies all right this movie is so all over the place it's like some people just took a bunch of random ingredients off the shelf and threw in a pot and hope that they make something tasty hopefully they make something good so this starts off like a mission impossible james bond kind of movie van damme is super spy jack quinn you see him there you know he's a spy cause his name is jack because his name is jack yo what's up jack i love to give all these foreign people these white ass like those americanized names yeah they he's from brussels and there he is right there down there you can see a little jack jack jack jack down there and this is his last mission he says all right i'm look i'm i am not doing no more i'm retired y'all hide me somewhere with my wife my my boy ain't born yet but this is the last one so you better make it good and the mission that they gave us well is what a mission that they give to all super spys out there you gotta find some plutonium that's of course some super villain stole out there and get it back before they make missiles and and and blow up the world right your final assignment is classification red a truck loaded with 32 kilograms of non-active plutonium was stolen from a secured u.s nuclear installation outside croatia now he slowed down as if he went wait what you shouldn't be surprised about that cause that's what also that's what all super supplies hey your super spy career you're gonna have to get a nuclear missile plutonium somewhere and stop that [ __ ] he slowed down like the [ __ ] kicked it i'm sorry i'm about that he always got coke eyes but apparently he's still in the you know this we see james bond james bond going through a whole movie trying to steal plutonium man yeah from a villain out there apparently in this movie it's just as simple as walking in and taking it your objective is to make sure the plutonium is returned safely to our base [Music] now you think if you steal a truckload of plutonium there would be around that garden that well there was nobody guarding it when it was stolen the first time no apparently not and i said if it's that easy we don't need no people you think that you just have made just just two just two people out there but they're like nah you know what i don't love it it's plastic protection i'm gonna leave the keys in ignition too they put in plastic and thought ain't nobody gonna see this [ __ ] i got the perfect way to camouflage this clear plastic it's just oh my god it's like it's invisible right it's for lunch said the hell with that truck ain't no one even guarding a building he found the spare keys under the rock oh yeah yeah that little fake rocker fell the keys under the rock [ __ ] pulled that plastic back started that [ __ ] and just drove out like he was optimus prime and there is plutonium in that chunk right yeah i hope it's not fragile yeah volatile uh i also noticed that uh i don't know who was in charge of the graphics but they just went hey you got any inspiration i don't know i just bought a label maker how about this oh yeah oh yeah that's true that we used to make as kids to put on the longest yeah goddamn action figures and toys and nobody said [ __ ] nobody was hitting that left all that plutonium in that truck up in there nobody said nothing until you start running over their cars and now they're like well maybe somebody ought to get this girl oh sir you can't do that pick on the parking ticket deuce this man just stole he just stole a truckload of plutonium and what do these pools do they decide to shoot at a truck full of plutonium and these and it's funny because these fools now this this dude got i don't know he got a super plutonium truck right here which still looks fake as hell it does it looks like a toy yeah i keep expecting to see a tonka logo yeah it does right it looks like a toy nate don't not look advanced about that no no but when it busted that wall i was like look at the little old talking here that little hot wheels [ __ ] going through yeah what was what were those walls made out of plastic yes shooting at a truck full of plutonium and they gonna follow this truck right off the hill right off of a cliff [Music] [Laughter] but the driver was committed yeah the driver was committed the driver wasn't there [Laughter] this is over the top man these movies and you can't say the movie didn't warn you that they're over the top yeah no when it opens this way you don't get to complain about anything else no no they show you big-ass plastic truck jumping trains and uh people shooting that plutonium in it no they this is they don't care and they know and they are way over the top uh man they they're so over the top that like like even when it's not action people just enter the room way over the top [Laughter] [Laughter] [Laughter] no matter what you think they they keep topping themselves man you know they keep they they keep getting crazier and crazier set pieces with this movie here uh the one of the craziest moments in this movie is at the amusement park that's that is one of the craziest shootouts i've ever seen it is it's it's insane man the setup is wild for this because the government decides to pull a hit on on what's his name stab ross he's stavros yeah stab right this is how i pull a hit on him at a park full of kids yeah who and plus stavros was there just to he was at a meet his own meet his own son [Music] [Applause] just there to meet his kid take him on some rides look mickey rook and stavros he's an evil son of a [ __ ] man but today he kind of took off from evil he did it was his day off it was a day off for me it was his deadbeat dad spend time with your sunday yeah man he was going to spend some time with his son of course the whole mission gets up and what do they do they end up who do they kill not stavros but they kill his kid and his wife [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yeah so yeah he killed his way you see the wife is dead later the son gets killed and of course that's when uh stavros got to go back to work yeah yeah he got he got called back to the office of evil and man they have like 25 agents there not only can nobody get him but they are sloppy they no they they they they kill they kill his son they kill people just trying to ride rides they just shooting all over and discriminating with all the shooting going on there's plenty of people still at the carnival who's still walking around like i'm gonna get my cotton candy oh yeah i've been i've been waiting to get on the on the twisted world crowning ain't care this happens every day at this park it must be wonder park where people die every day oh yeah okay because when they kill his son of course he's like well i'm back on now back i'm back at work evil is back again and he just he goes crazy he just starts destroying that park he don't care who it is he just that mother started like he's shooting at people he's shooting at rides he's shooting like fake people he's so mad [Laughter] we have good assassins because i don't shoot kids or people who have kids with them i only take out people who deserve it yeah he's throwing grenades at civilians yeah well he was in a moment of grief at the time he didn't he didn't know what he was doing cory he showed up to have a dead at the carnival with his son but he brought grenades yeah cause you got to be prepared you never know you never know when you work in evil man people are always after you for some reason hey evil never gets a full day off i got my keys yeah myself for my cigarettes my grenades yeah my grenades my rocket launcher my garage yeah does this feel like face-off deal it came out the same year yeah okay because remember the kid dies in the car yeah okay just start oh they rip off a lot of things yeah i mean the the director and you know both directors were john woo and and troy hark were the the two big asian action directors at the time they gathered once upon a time in china oh okay it was his american movie debut but before they got to the park man the park was already crazy and in addition to it raining in addition to it raining and all of a sudden just drying up two minutes later yeah like that rain was gone people don't rise like in like a not like a drop didn't come down but in addition to it raining with rain that just dries as soon as it hits the ground in this park for no reason in the middle of it they got a tiger [Music] ty ain't no they ain't got nothing ain't no patterns there ain't no goats anything for the circuit like things that you have for friendly animals for kids no they got a hunger ass tiger yep and he's mad as hell too and those bars are wide yeah they are they are wide and i'm gonna tell you something for everything that happened here it's really that tiger's fault and i'm gonna tell you how it's really because first of all the tiger is the one that snitched on van damme the mission could have gone down but the tiger was like [Music] oh hey up there [Laughter] man hey hey that [ __ ] is up there hey ready to move in hey tiger wings dude that's funny because at first he just tried to take his eyes over and he's like look goddammit also you're right the tiger doesn't go oh my god jesus like like a goddamn catcher behind him right when you think the stat stab ross are the tigers cool with stavros and he's trying to like you know be his boy and everything because he don't like because van damme's a [ __ ] you don't like him turns out this fool's working against everybody man that tiger's in for himself oh yeah that tiger was the one that killed his wife who was responsible for getting his son killed oh he [ __ ] slapped you and by the way that was a person wearing a tiger glove i didn't see the tiger when i see that part look watch watch closely he [ __ ] slapped her ass watch look watch closely you see it you see that [ __ ] that's a man baby there's a goddamn human arm that did that [ __ ] look at this i told you about staring at me you guys you killed my wife it's like nah that was your buddy you did that yeah it was like the tiger just got bored in that cage and said you know what i'm going to turn all you against each other i'm about to have some fun right lock me up yeah yeah man all i gotta do is [Laughter] only thing that's messing with with van damme is jack the super spa only thing that's messing with him more than that tiger is product placement [Music] sure to get them labels out there though oh hell yeah i i read this was the first time coke it was ever in a product place oh and they they must have thought this movie is gonna be a hit keep in mind don't say nothing yet but keep in mind like everybody beating a sh that vamdam is beating the [ __ ] out of everybody but when coca-cola came in there them little kids kicked his ass yeah have a coconut smile yeah it was always they said like hey that makes our product look bad turn this around oh yeah yeah exactly right and then none of them can't bust either no make sure that bending machine is right there yeah yep oh but y'all keep coke in mine and in the end those those cans helped him out because he was able to turn that flip yep he would have been turning that flip over the can see coke saves yeah he sure did she have one man oh by the way this has the funniest clown death that i've ever seen they take that [ __ ] seriously they take it seriously man and it's the funniest thing i guess he got shot huh yeah yeah you guys saw a lot of people [Laughter] art a there's a hospital right next to i mean like shoot us must happen every weekend because of the hospital right next to like they run like a like not even a full block down they run to a hospital and now and they get there stavros he breaks in by breaking the glass with the security guard's face [Music] if you took a drink every time glass gets broken in this movie you would be having to go to the hospital yourself i know but just pull through slow the glass shatters and then hit him again and then oh this goes shattered yeah he like panicked he he looked at him and just looking at him too i know yeah that wasn't called for dude just trying to have her have his coffee just got there on the job [Laughter] [Laughter] and you know what the funny thing is is that mickey rourke and stavros he you saw how he broke that glasses like damn that looked good hey let me get some of that tell you that i don't know i don't know and you know in every scene the glass is there just just shaking like oh [ __ ] that's like you can just put him over the one that's already that foot it's that poor guy he used that guy to break some glasses he could easily get old but no just to add insult to engine [ __ ] let me get some of that [ __ ] [Laughter] [ __ ] you [Laughter] hey [ __ ] don't leave me out let me get some of that too otherwise somebody might get hurt yeah glad it ain't us yet uh i'm gonna tell you man one of the problems with this movie is because i thought they're gonna start throwing babies to windows yeah i tell you it's crazy though cause they're like well [ __ ] like i can tell we don't get throw ourselves through glass so stab rose man i gotta give it to him stavros is he's not the most interesting villain in the world in fact i would say that this is not one of mickey rooks best roles right here no no the big the big thing for him was working out and learning to fight yes and doing doing his own stunts yes but i tell you what he he he has the makings of some of the best villains out there and that he don't give a [ __ ] i like the way he made him he tried to make a bomb out of a baby yes [Music] you know it's funny that dude woke up like oh [ __ ] no yeah that's what it wears like i only kill people who deserve it but i'ma throw some grenades in a maternity ward yeah that dude i do line on the ground over there yeah oh yeah that dude yeah he never had it [Applause] [Laughter] he failed the mission as you can see because he tried to feel a [ __ ] was it not to break glass he gets the [ __ ] blowing up out of him oh yeah he yeah they blow his back up man and uh he wakes up he wakes up in a room on an island and that's when the movie just really says man since we're getting wild let's just go ahead and get sci-fi up in this [ __ ] man and it turns out that he's as they say in the movie he's too valuable to be killed but too dangerous to be let loose and be free so he finds himself on a on an island full of misfit spies and where they can either they can either stay and live in somewhat comfort all right you can die don't say we didn't give you a choice if you fail to cooperate mr quinn you have an alternative nerve gas is quite painless but effective i forgot that this part was in the movie i didn't even know this section was here see i never saw the movie but just i remember you describing it to me and i i was always intrigued by this part because it sounded like you know the old show yeah and i was thinking this was going to be the whole movie no oh no no it's clearly not no it's everything this is the most interesting part of it yeah this is this is where i thought they were going to actually play with this part because he gets to the island and on his island he starts you know it's like a high school reunion like he starts meeting old friends and people that he's heard about people enemies people that he looked up to they were killed six years ago god it's been six years already you know he goes there meets old classmates meets the high school bully again i like to do becky yeah some [ __ ] buy something yeah yeah get him butch he's got a band-aid wrapped around his head so they all live there if they fail mission i'm sorry yeah no no it's it's it's it's a bunch of terrorists and anti-terrorists who thought who were thought dead and they've been on this island uh where they take care of them but you have a job now which is lending your your intelligence experience and helping whoever pays for it you know this yeah and these guys had some beef obviously before right since he sucker punches [ __ ] that that he that jack obviously did not remember all right i guess we can be cool now you're not dude like god damn i know you're doing like that you fell for that old [ __ ] yeah but this island is cool because it's pretty much a justice league you know you got these these guys they they're like a they're like a uh what do you call that i think think tank yeah they sit up here and they they save the world by watching the world and satan giving their expertise based on their past experience for one you remember an old show from back in the day and this is something that a lot of y'all won't remember i don't this show's older than me i don't even remember this i don't think i've ever seen it but it's the same premise as this show called the prisoner the prisoner that's what i just said trapped in a village from which there is no escape [Music] this is a nightmare world where even reality right this show is insane yeah these people try to escape and these the bubble that you saw the orb that comes in yeah it would go and sweep them up and bring them back to the island yeah and the show was it was mostly just a mind because they had in there they were like all you ex spies you have information you didn't give it to us i don't know what you want okay yeah okay you keep playing yeah sometime they let them think they escaped only to find like no this is a trap the whole time you know once you realize like it's not that much of a of an original premise and i remember seeing this and thinking damn that's the prisoner i don't know i've never seen the show but i know what it is also most of the time like it's just the novelty of him staying on this island starts to wear off because it gets to a point where you start watching him work out in the doorway yeah monkey climbing in a doorway working out there's so many montages of him working out either he's monkey climbing or in a doorway or oh he's a bathtub this is like bathtub porn come on yeah yeah yeah come on [ __ ] you know you like this i mean they even playing porn music with this man [ __ ] [Laughter] so maybe they let that slide right there but then he starts doing weird [ __ ] like cutting the the skin off his thumb to make make contraptions but you can still see his fingerprint there yeah it still seems well what he's trying to do is he's trying to make this contraption that's timed with a cigarette and uh some water or something where it comes down because they have to check in with the thumbprint right at certain times of the day and so he wants to make this contraption with the the the eraser goes down and hits the monitor first of all if why don't they have a camera on this fool doing this but second even if they don't that [ __ ] ain't gonna work because these thumb fingerprint things they require heat i know i court i know i missed we saw the beginning of this thing y'all just jumped all over me see i know and maybe he heat up the eraser i mean all that goes out the window when you say how come nobody see him do that [ __ ] on the goddamn camera exactly hey hey what you doing cutting the tips of your fingers off man yeah i don't know what you're doing we better cut that [ __ ] out yeah just have something to come over the monitor we see you sorry and some of this dialogue is so bad that the people sound like they're dubbed over like anime i know like anime characters hey you know that one guy yeah like his agent like you can see that he's not dubbed his mouth as cl if it is that's one of the best dubbing jobs i've ever seen but he it sounds dubbed he sounds like an anime character come on how long do you think you can sit on your ass for you it's politics come on politics makes money that that sounds so anime yeah the worst was when you when they they were in the oh yeah in the background the background in the foreground you used again wow you sound like somebody just learned how to talk english in that one accent yeah very well yeah you know come this is what i think about your american accent i left you a present get me out of here [Music] dad everything about that is the funniest death ever i'm telling you that he couldn't see the he couldn't somehow couldn't reach the ball all right he locked his own cell phone that's what i was going to ask his own self sure i said no let me see if this dumbass locked himself in because at first i thought well maybe staff ross had a device that locked him in this club's ass i think he locked his own damn cell phone he did hey hey get me out of here [Music] somehow the bomb is inside his seat but it blows up from outside the from the back tire yeah it's on the side of his seat where he can't reach it it's from it's from behind him yes they did like they couldn't they i don't know why they did this i guess they want you to see him in the explosion but they really couldn't blow his ass up like that is not in the car no no it's next to the car with something lifting oh yeah no okay you saw it there's a whole shot of his elbow just by itself see [Music] he even sounds like an anime guy there too you were a terrible actor you had to go here yeah no they had to blow you away dude this movie's not known for his acting what do you say let me out of here dennis rodman okay so here's the thing with the movie i was talking about how the characters are dull dialogue is bad people are dull because of the dialogue people can't talk right the only character i really did like a lot was dennis rodman the worm plays an arms dealer named jazz that's right god damn and critics were hard oh dennis rodman over here man got this from wikipedia right here but especially the razzie awards man they were rough on him uh worst new star worst supporting actor worst screen couple damn he swept him yeah he did it man [Laughter] he was he was interesting because either he was either he was uh he was coming in and making things weird yeah or he always just had a crazy look yeah yep like them right there i mean he was bringing something to the table yeah and you know sure it's not like he's given a good performance but for athletes especially basketball players yeah it's kind of on par it's yeah i mean i've seen plenty worse basketball players are always the worst in films yeah yeah i mean listen how can you not how can you not love an arms dealer with multicolored hair multiple piercings and his all of his uh employees are transvestites who's that rudolph i may not have reindeer but i do have the best elves in the business you can barely get that line i i i i gotta say he he didn't deliver that line well but i don't think anybody could have delivered that you're right and i'm talking relatively when i say that he's my favorite one again it's not because he can act or he's that interesting it's because everybody else cannot act or they're not interesting at all yeah so at least he's giving me something here that's true you're giving me something good to say something but yeah i mean billy you're talented i don't think you could have sold that right now have you know you mentioned it now i'll be going over my head plus people i mean i'm sorry like yeah his delivery ain't good but that's kind of what makes it nice like he i love that line trouble i don't know man i look at you i see nothing but trouble [Music] what the hell i kind of like trouble i thought nothing but true nothing but trump but he's hitting the throne but but not even committing to hitting the wall it's like it's going to come down and now i'm going to tell you that and this guy right here man they talk about worst partnership i found that partnership fascinating yeah because it always hinges on homoerotic they these these fools they him and him and uh van damme [ __ ] mtv should have gave them award for like best couple that year because they they stay flirting with each other the last guy made fun of my hair he's still trying to put his head out of his ass i don't want to know about your sex life if you want to dance ask me nicely oh just [ __ ] already and it's the question and they try there's a point where they get downright sexual they are in midair and dennis rodman just grabs his ass and come here we'll give you some love let's try something else that's love baby you see bad damn just you know yeah i was like is there ever a chance trying to kung fu [ __ ] right now exactly if i let you go you ain't telling nobody exactly [ __ ] and spray snow i can hear your screams [ __ ] let's try something else that's love yeah let's try that yeah yeah yeah try something else all right let's try this position right here i thought you never asked yeah ain't nobody gonna hear your ass but i can see why people did not like rodman well in this because well it's because man look it's he he's got to take some some credit some blame for that of course but man they they didn't do this brother right all they did was write basketball puns exactly i'm willing to go with him and let him do his thing and he's not an actor and i can i can handicap him and it's fine but they keep shoving these basketball puns in every chance they get yeah could you stop doing that he's not a basketball player in the movie yeah yeah he's not a basketball player in a movie we already know who he is there's no need to keep elbowing us in the ribs like and they kind of put it in the beginning it's like okay we're gonna let you have that this is one of his first times in a movie everybody want to kind of make a joke all right i get it it's too easy but the more the movie goes up [ __ ] in that last 30 minutes and he he ain't talking in nothing but basketball puns it's time to get off the bench the best defense is a strong offense you're like really for real you still doing this oh yeah yeah because it started out going well defense wins the game it's like okay yeah that's fine but yeah man as the movie goes on they put that [ __ ] on dick you're out of the game you sure and got them jerry curl terminate over here get out of the game i mean i guess i could have just shot you instead of talking but right you know yeah whoops no you have to put his pawns up there i've been working on his pun ever since i saw you in this movie and i got a delivery oh but wait there's more y'all oops air ball but i never missed twice brother god damn it let's get let's get a head start first what's wrong with you my god oops oh air ball oh it ain't finished yet oh wait uh something the only saving grace with some of these puns is that they they come with their own bad stunts oh yeah i don't have to call out a five-pointer i want y'all to see this man appear this and that's an adr this this man up here look at this he when he picked him up he flew like a like a like a man-shaped kite [Laughter] where's the weight being distributed because he just grabbed him by the wrist that dude is floating floating that dude is floating on water he's floating like a piece of paper look at this he throwing his ass like trash garbage bag like the puns ain't enough there's a point where he jumps out of a he jumps out of a plane it's like and you're thinking at the moment like well damn at least we're done with the puns nah hey watch your head [ __ ] turns to a basketball god dude [Laughter] hey i got a new invention basketball shaped parachute i appreciate that you have this but why is it a basketball billy billy when it hits the ground it bounces and goes into a hoop you know what at this point with your daddy though no now that's what i call hang tight hey [Music] the basketball the visual the basketball wasn't enough you still had to say that's what i call it in case you didn't get it you don't know what a basketball is didn't get that that was a basketball in the sky right hey that's for you billy if nothing else this movie gets crazy and crazy with his set pieces and it makes sure to go out just as crazy if not crazy so at this point old stavros i'm gonna picture oh yeah him yeah yeah oh stavros he just he's he's so in grief let me see here i hope he didn't give me the same oh no he didn't he's so he's i guess he's in such grief of his son dying that he just forgot whatever plan he was doing and just started making up crazy [ __ ] so i think he hit at the when we get to the climax so his plan it must have made it must have made him to lose this line because the plan makes no sense at all he kidnaps jack's newborn son because he had the pregnant wife fooled her by saying i'm an art dealer she's like okay yeah sir give me your baby okay i'm an art dealer yeah and so he kidnaps jack's son and rests out the whole roman coliseum so that he can have a shirtless fight with jack something you cannot do yes where he also planted a bunch of mines watch your step check you know nothing wrong with stepping on a line it's stepping off the couch then [ __ ] by that logic there's something wrong with stepping on the mind cause you can't get off of it yeah he's he's grieving again don't ask questions because none of this [ __ ] makes sense yeah but it leads to a glorious ending oh and i'll tell you man oh and and that and that tiger back at the park oh he bought that he said it was [ __ ] why not bring it up he he already he he snitched on this [ __ ] right here that must be my friend he said tiger come on yeah target and telling her to kill his wife [Laughter] [Applause] you know men are strong jack but the tiger stronger none of this [ __ ] makes sense man what's wrong with you i mean you were you're wanted internationally and you have to travel incognito why would you complicated that by having a tiger along why wouldn't you worry it just makes things worse as an audience member you've been asking why is this tiger here and the only thing i can think of is that it's the tiger from the opening logo who had a really good agent and negotiated some screen time i know it is funny that the tiger comes up in the opening and he's actually a character in the movie that's the tiger from the mandalay opening that [ __ ] is in the whole movie that's one of the best agents in town i know it's almost like mandalay said like hey we'll produce the movie but you got to have my nephew in the logo negotiated themselves into a movie yeah y'all going to see plenty of me yeah y'all keep playing me talking [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm the head hell i'm the star of this [ __ ] stavros played by mickey royck this [ __ ] is stupid he rented out like martin said something you can't do ran out the roman coliseum just so he can have a fight yes oh shirtless shirtless fight as if that wasn't enough brought in because he could have just stayed up in the raptors and sniped his ass no he's not i got no no no i got to go elaborately i gotta i know i i i got to be a super villain so this went off and bought landmines bought that tiger and of course his stupid ass all of it backfired on him in the most glorious way [Music] he's like [Applause] um well [ __ ] i tell you i want to give him an oscar just for his oh [ __ ] looks and this whole thing oh yeah he had the greatest like yeah yeah yeah i just stepped down and here's the thing you're thinking look he ain't killing a complete dumb ass he's stupid for bringing a tiger some landmines in just for a goddamn street fight for audience of nobody but then the stupid thing about it is that so while these fools while these fools were fighting each other in the ring somehow dennis rodman nobody noticed him going around picking up because the land mines are marked with crosses nobody noticed dennis rodman picking up the land mines planting that again and smoothing over the parts where they were no he moved the crosses i'm sorry no the crosses yeah i'm sorry nobody noticed it no nobody noticed him picking up the crosses moving them to another to another spot smoothing them over so look like they were never there that [ __ ] takes time because that fool was on a landmine himself just two minutes ago yeah but he figured it out he figured it out but he gained that line playing mine but in all these these two fools can't see him behind like so he he says hey the reason why you stepped on your own land mine because well i kind of moved the crosses and i know mines don't come cheap but i moved a couple of your crosses how of your crosstalk how did nobody notice this not only this big black man but this big black man with swamp thing hair how come nobody notices this this uh uh this uh this mint this mint chocolate milk right mint chocolate six foot eight man mint chocolate six foot eight men with piercing tattoos moving crosses and smoothing that [ __ ] over well you know there's a lot going on there's henchman shooting there's a tiger running around there's a baby well that too yeah i just dumb i will give him respect for this last part right here because he died accepting his defeat he did that [ __ ] you know how now in any other movie a villain would have been like when van van dam run away jack you jack you know i'll get back you know he wouldn't win it's not over i'll be back i'll be back jack i'll see you in hell jack not nikki roy that went out like a [ __ ] crying he was not ready to die the look on his face that last look was like why did i buy all this [ __ ] [Applause] bad that fool steps on a landmine and at the same time that linebacker that tiger back there like [Music] i'm gonna take your foot off well [ __ ] i can take my time with this yeah i forgot to mention that i was the one who killed you what yeah he does yeah you're right he wasn't ready he was like man yeah that was a frustrating cry and i love that uh remember me stop rush when your wife died it was me i sort of just yeah he blew up that whole coliseum man within fake ass flames but hey don't worry i told y'all to pay attention and before hey y'all probably wondering oh [ __ ] what's happening to our heroes don't worry coca-cola is here to save the day looks like an ice cold coke really does i'm telling you yeah look at that what you probably can't see is it three grown men and a newborn baby that's being held on two while this is happening yes i love this because they made sure that you saw coke flying everywhere towards the screen look at this if they did die the last thing they gonna see is coca-cola take us to colosseum has just a bunch of vending machines all right next to each other and a man of lead yeah nothing like an ice cold coke flames stops explosions stops explosions man and then fools they lived building is crumbling yeah but thanks to the power cord hold on that vending machine regular coke and diet coke that coke protected them from rubble from flames and those flames were so polite like we're just gonna go around and uh his hand is on the side but that coke is so cool so cold ice cold iced cocoa kept his hands kept his hands safe i could i honestly was expecting like when it was all done for one to come out the bottom and open it open up and start fellas can you believe that [Laughter] i'm like that baby is cooked oh that baby yeah it should open up this little turkey under there all three of them his mint chocolate ass should be melted right now should be a bubble of black and green on the ground chocolate rabbit [Music] and the [ __ ] goes on and on copay for man they paid for that screen time look at that yeah man i wish they had done what you said they it's almost worried they've done this it doesn't happen you know what i mean thanks to the power of love and coca-cola they saved the day little babies safe and he's like damn y'all stupid dog though wait you're my daddy oh my god he grabs that sheep yeah i know exactly maybe when i wake up this all be over yeah and jack goes off to be with his newborn son which leads us to have this really awkward moment with with jazz played by dennis rodman and one of the guys from the island who came out to hunt jack who lets jack go he was gonna let him go but then but my man threw lucky explosive coins yeah that's a weird thing he already said i'm gonna let you go yeah yeah but i'm gonna throw a smoke bomb anyway i'm gonna use this [ __ ] one way or another but it's a real awkward moment at the end with those two it's like when you left alone with two friends that don't know each other and you're there too well guys hey now it's my turn to disappear toodles yeah bye random dude [Music] i wonder what the fire would be huh [Applause] oh that was i don't even notice that i don't know man it's it's no it's it's a [ __ ] movie but it's so it's so funny it's entertaining and it's really bad for a 1997. but as i watched it i was like it you could take this script and it could be a fast nefarious movie and you wouldn't even bet an eye no it's it's on the same level no i give it a really low rental man really it's a [ __ ] movie i give it a little rental because i i i did have fun and the only reason why i'm doing that is because like we said the movie was so over the top at the beginning it was again aware of what it is it wasn't like they were doing some of this [ __ ] by accident right right i mean by the end we got to where tiger in landmines i mean come on man i mean i i got this there's center collision there's something beautiful about it there is there is and you know is yeah they used to have tigers fight in the coliseum yes yes i'm sure that's why they did that i guess no it doesn't make sense that the tiger from the carnival in the beginning somehow comes back at the end hey man you know we paid for a guy you know we paid to rent a tiger we're gonna use our tiger goddammit yeah we we you know they they wouldn't let us do anything less than three months with this tiger so talking about this is promoted by coca-cola this is pretty much promoted by cocaine this thing is crazy man that's crazy that's why the two stars didn't move cocaine coca-cola joe exotic yeah yeah man so it's not no it's not a good movie it's not but watching it at home there's just some stuff in here i'm just entertained by man so you know i could give you some [ __ ] and it is it really is but you know i mean i have fun though watching it at home for that [Music] you

Channel: Double Toasted

Views: 164,702

Keywords: Double Team, Double Team review, Double Team movie review, Double Team bad movie review, Double Team training montage, Double Team trailer, Double Team fight, Double Team Coke machine, Double Team tiger, Double Team 1997 review, Jean Claude Van Damme, Micky Rourke, Dennis rodman, Bad movie review, Movie review, Movie, Review, Funny video, Doubletoasted, Double Toasted, Doubletoasted.com

Id: gvP89RWUwlw

Length: 58min 38sec (3518 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 11 2021