Doctor Ray Guarendi - Control Anger and Self Help for Parents (Catholic, Protestant & Baptist)

okay we're going to get started so dr. Rey is back with us for the last session of the day isn't a great way to end our conferences to us today I don't know about you he said I didn't have to read the huge pile of them again so I just want to get out though thinking either he said I want to hear another 45 minutes for me your pretty hair talked this morning was fantastic wasn't it really all right well this isn't exactly anger but I did kind of promise you I would do a little bit of this there are certain ideas that are so stupid by the way almost force enemies whole time look all the TV show on the radio show and I watched the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond there was one scene and this is my Italian Catholic family there was one scene where they were yelling and screaming at each other saying all kinds of vile things and then Marie the mother says to Raymond don't be stupid he goes some things are so dumb only by the way I didn't get a chance guys an email because I said that once on the radio I said well that's stupid we don't teach our children as they stupid what do you do with something this stupid children you should know that's why these guys are thinking those thoughts thing is that dumb question do you want to be kids do you those of you who have a number of children you realize that this idea that there are no differences between little boys and little girls is ridiculous we're wired differently God said human history says the Research Center example little girls women more humble than little boys then right doc you talked earlier better that's why your mom drifts into a discipline trap usually something on these lines dangoty dangoty if dad first into a discipline trap it's usually something like these like mother and toddler a balloon is oblivious you ladies are amazing you're truly amazing we guys do not understand how you do this how is it did you notice everything about everybody at all times for ever to be used upon you thanks to the pointless life if he even notices you're out there he connects for pretty good sex right hey God last time one of our buddies did this does I go rock Matt there's notice anything different about me one time my wife had two five I have about five boys and five estrogen Americans she had the girls with her the big fan at the poisons me she pulls up next to me and only and does this I don't know why you're so sensitive to a big women just feel my little girls would come downstairs with romance Sarah it matter Sarah it's 25 feet from your bed to here what could possibly have upset you in that disease this is touching me right here boys we'll find out this is that Nene on your shirt my wife is a convert to the Catholic faith she had a tough time with confession as she understood the theology but she couldn't get it through her head but when you go to confession you got to confess your sins not your high school bless me Father for a decent maybe the first confession when she was 39 now god you're each East Mary's books what did they tell you they all say the same thing look amusing or what all right I'm going to do that she goes into that confessional I get on my knees I stinker the whole time so I took a week off the world she came out honey what you think I feel pretty clean good you can tell me you're not you know but I'm glad to see oh you can tell me I'm not telling you're right all right I figured it out if you want to know what your spouse or your kid tells the priest in the confessional you got to go in the back door so I what did father give you four minutes if you know what they got for penance we kind of reason that word - ha I've got they work she tell you that I I got that's not bad for 4 years of pagan she said where the Stations of the Cross and every bead we should have told me that before I'm married but I still gotta get you maybe out of pole are you first then she asked me okay ray what do you usually get for penance are they enough time to levitate so you come here because of your anger issue difference that's the phrase they use you have anger management issues a piece of psychopath anger management issue he's got a temper or he's irritable okay but we we psychologist she has a an emotional dysregulation he has explosive personality disorder if he needs a jerk people think anger is an emotion if you last folks was a pretty powerful okay anger is as much thought as it is emotion let me illustrate to you how powerful your thoughts are in creating your emotions picture the scenario you're at one of these sheltered bus stops it's cold rainy it's a sleeping rain it's blowing in on you very uncomfortable your jamp in like sardines with everyone like this you're getting impatient you start feeling in the back of your leg or calf somebody's jamming feels very much like the point of an umbrella oh you're trying to control yourself you know when I was waiting for you're trying to control yourself you're thinking to yourself like this what's going on here now if I already stopped the tape right there and say when you get so mad won't because some bulk think it's an idea of fun to chat me in the cat okay that's why you're getting mad right right it continues you've had enough you turn around you're going to let whoever it is happen it is an elderly blind woman with a king trying to keep herself oriented in this mass of bodies what happens to your anger do you have to go know your anger immediately goes away it is gone you told me you were mad because you were getting poked that's not right you're man you were met because of your interpretation of the Pope as soon as you reinterpreted it and you believed your reinterpretation your anger immediately dissolved I submit to you that much of your anger is your interpretation of events an example Mike is frustrating me Mike is just frustrating what are you telling yourself about this you see if you're saving yourself my kids bad behavior makes me look bad makes me feel like a failure you're going to get much more upset than you otherwise would if you just looked at your kid and said if he's being a kid he's acting like a jerk I mean you may not like that he's doing this but you get quite angry or your kid is just stolen a matchbox car something touched by the way the other night I tried to walk into target but I missed just stolen a matchbox car you are fit to be times you are so mad you can't see straight quite quite so that it's okay you took on that spot from seven years old Dave's got no conscience way slightly why because you're worried you're gonna be stealing real cars 20 years from then see if you want to stop this what could it mean you see what you're doing you're interpreting the child's behavior in such a way you're making a lot more out of it than it really is this is bad behavior this is a kid but you're adding interpretations to it that Elaine come into my office she was 35 years old near suicide absolutely devastated just found out that her husband of 15 years 18 years they had two kids left for the 21 year old babysitter now this woman we shall call her barb essentially said I don't know I'd warn I'm done now we spent the three hour session there because she was she was on the edge why was she so distraught she interpreted this as a I don't want to be a single mom that's that's reasonable that's legit I thought he loved how could this be three I'm scared I never thought I'd be in this position in my life okay therefore that's why she's going to commit suicide here's why she was gonna commit suicide obviously I'm a failure as a wife he wouldn't do this if something wasn't wrong with me totally irrational this could be completely the guys problem - there was only one person for you in your life I had my one person and I lost you failure in the past but here's the one that got her religion taught her she's not Catholic if you get divorced you're going to hell now figure in the past no future on earth when you die you're going to help you might as well just ended now if that's the way you're looking at things that's what was driving her to that point her interpretation of the event many of you have people in your lives that drive you crazy okay think of your spouse with the actor one of the things that bothers you about these folks is that they're either opinionated they say goofy things and they don't stop they've been doing this for 22 years and this is something that he just when you think you're going okay I don't think that's something else now the way you're interpreting this person is this she has no right to do this to me I'm not like that who does she think she is talk about not looking at herself in the mirror the very thing she's accusing me of she does tires what we do is we take what they're doing to us and we allow it over time to this more and more this is not changing her personality what is with this water now by the way is more often women who make comments on you're paranoid you know this that's why they don't tell too many father-in-law jokes your interpretation of what she's doing is driving you nuts rather than saying gee I've known her for 17 years she's always been this way she's opinionated she's judgmental she's snotty so it makes her a little snarky remarks off to the side or or looks by the way your teenage girls doing this kind of scrap now I don't want to thank grass too far however this is not respectful girls this is not respectful see the shrinks tell you nutty things like if your battles don't get too frustrated pick your mouth wait a minute wait what they basically mean is okay don't let it Constantia but if they roll their eyes and say yeah this do you know oh wait a minute now that's to me that's disrespectful it truly is now a lot of times what you women say you do this with I know that I go round and round with her and she's pretty snotty with me everybody else officer they think she's a great kid and I all right do a little test if you're taking satisfaction in the idea that your kid treats other people good and that makes them a nice gift picture the scenario some woman comes up to you that you don't know and says can I speak to you a second please I work with your husband I have to tell you he is the sweetest the kindest the most positive person the women there love him because he never scolds he's never impatient he is always so kind to all of us must have a wonderful now of course if he's that way with you and you say well yeah I know he's a gentleman if he's not you don't say well I'm really glad he treats other women to it that makes me so in the sense the number one reason that people irritate and frustrates you is because you want them to be different a great definition of frustration is it is the difference between the way I want it to be and the way it is and as this gap gets bigger you get more frustrated I have to tell you I have decided I am 99 nine nine nine nine nine nine percent loving actually because I've done the math there are approximately seven billion people in the world the vast majority of them I had no problem looking I love all the people in China all people in India all the folks in South America Africa to go in Europe those folks have done nothing to me I'm very loving to those folks is that handful of people there's only about five or six office but live near me or the under my roof or I have to see on Christmas Eve no really by the numbers I'm a quite loving guy okay it's just it's just why is this because I want them to be different if you're listening to the radio show at all some of you don't cuz I can tell them you just don't look at you look like you're failing IQs you're slipping but if you listen to the radio show listen to what percentage of calls are tell me how to make somebody be different tell me how to make my husband not be sold move tell me how to make my children be more appreciative of me tell me how to make my mother quit criticizing my homeschooling and so what happens is you are automatically I get upset you don't think we can't change you cannot change them location just reason with the how many years you've been trying are you a slow learner we're going to give it up here here up a large part of our agitation frustration irritation is because you are not acting the way I want you to act you know personalization is personalization is probably the number one reason why people get upset personalization is what they're doing is directed at me she's criticizing my homeschooling because she's putting me down he's moody because he doesn't look me like I deserve we personalize it we take it in terms of what they're doing the motive is to somehow reflect upon me some hoping on somehow her feet and somehow make me feel bad - somehow agitate me most of the time is not that you're misinterpreting it what they're doing they're doing for a whole bunch of other reasons that absolutely nothing to do with you they're jerks or they're narrow-minded or unpleasant or they're moody or they're frustrated but there's nothing doing parents will say she's acting up just to make me look bad and I'll say you know Mom I don't think she even cares what you look like I think she just wants to do what she wants to do and you just happen to be in the way now if she upset you in the process that's a bonus because her a motive is not to get to you her main motive is to do it you once but we interpret it this way I will ask clients in my office that's uh that's the last time either one of you said I'm sorry did you try good answers like this well when my son was in no sapristi how was your son oh he's a lawyer our wedding rehearsal dinner I remember I spilled some soup on her lap when I said sorry about that they typically don't say I'm sorry I'm sorry is two of the softest smallest words in the English language and they are two of the words that people use least and there are wonderful words for what you act wrong when you get angry you get Moody when you get upset say I'm sorry now why don't we there's a lot of reasons for example sorry doesn't make everything right okay if you're sorry why don't you change the sorry is not just words sorry's a changing cut them all right how could you like to go to confession bless me Father for I have sinned and then you tell and he says you know and you're truly sorry and change you come in here you say the same stuff all the time I'm not really gonna absorb it because I really don't think you're sorry all right if you were truly sorry it would be telling me the same stuff for 10 years no no we want mercy for me justice for you so we don't want to get thrown back on our face I'm sorry or here's another big worry when people don't want to say I'm sorry we just had a fight I said things I shouldn't have said but in my mind you started right so if you started it I am justified in whatever I say it do it response because I didn't start it you did if I say I'm sorry of her we're in my mind I'm only 12 percent wrong she's 88 I said to cuss words but she was just a total she witch okay oh yeah if I say I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that am I worried that she's gonna think good it's a bad time he realized who was the one that was wrong here see when I say I'm sorry for my 12 percent I'm afraid she's going to take a death I'm apologizing for the whole all just apologize for what you did if you were RuPt it on a kid for discipline apologize for the eruption and if the kid interprets that as well mom realizes she's wrong and no such thing he may interpret that way but you're not apologizing for being wrong or politic for style okay here's the big one in marriages you got to watch this okay I might have hurt my wife's feelings I might have said things I shouldn't have said I mean that ass image sorry but I don't see I say things like none of you did you want me to pick that up for you people these months for my concert doctor rigor in VBA what's going father of 10 yeah that's right yeah I did my share four years ago one of the kids drop the pizza I said honey you got three I do my part we act sorry what don't we say sorry it's so easy to to start acting okay again that's my way of telling you that okay it's all for God let's just belong why I'm sorry is the best way to do damage control with your anger and your temporary your agitation or irritation and your frustration I tell it like it is you tell it like it is or do you tell it like you think it is you see we have this idea that my perception of things is reality remember what you were in school you got this question that messed up your name if your tree falls on woods and there's nobody there to here there's a big assign what by the way it doesn't you know some of you but something else bullying brilliant in English but you know nothing about physics you're sick you're looking at me like what it doesn't make a sound I think does is you air molecules if there's nothing there to receive it there's no interpretation in itself right now all around you are literally hundreds of different ways if you had a radio you could tune it in but you can't hear it because you don't have something to receive them but they're based there is a modern gender counterpart to this by the way if a man is in the woods all along and there are no women there to hear him speak if he speaks is he still wrong it's the waiter what I'd like I mean it's a it but I have to say if you're like me your most regrettable moments things you've said the things you've done occurred at a peak surge of emotion guys of my life sports I don't too much anymore and I love the old guy on the mound not one of those one of those life alert things you know so when I slide into second base started pushing so my friends come up pick me up a smile out of sports and biggest problem she had sports when your guy is your testosterone okay and I've often wrestled with am I getting holier as I get older or ease my testosterone time it's a lot easier for me not to eat as bad as I usually get you know and I think maybe that's just come on lazy I'm not so sure he's God's grace I think it's just the testosterone levels down here somewhere you know and it's sports especially something like basketball back wall is a kind of being of fineness of crashing against each other you know even you not supposed to be a contact sport but it is and you pass the ball there's times when I was younger band I just threw a ball on a guy's head you know or for example you're in a you're in a situation in the sports well alright I'll confess and this going that long last season plants off bottled step-touch League I'm coaching third third basements of Turkey man this this guy's more of a head case that you'd want to see he's always been abroad he said something nutty I said learn the rules you don't know who's a few situations I said I wouldn't do that well that was it man that was waving a red flag in front of a pole next guy up hits a father off to the side I'm coaching third he's right there I can this but what is the ball he charges me hits me in the back with everything he's got I didn't even see a comment just everything he's got at that point my brother who lives rates in is much stronger than I am well basically came across the field talking about if it's flat-out to their mouth and of course all hell broke loose their bench is cleared my brother and I are on the bottom of like 12 guys okay till our friends started showing up we're down here trying to throw all five Ensemble and then our friends are gone so in sports you lose it I learned early on in sports you know about the near occasion of sin I learned early on the sports pull myself up before I get to that point where I have to try to control my emotions Gallaudet same thing with words 90% of what you say that you should be sorry for and regret is because you said it in that equidome of your nastiest emotion where you feel like just have to say something if you can stop yourself for 20 seconds to simply say nothing for 20 seconds half or more of the urge to bull for society the emotion will drop from here to here and you won't feel so uncontrolled I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to say something everything with me wanted to retaliate and for whatever the reason most because my wife is looking at it like you do then I'll rip your face and I didn't I

Channel: William Spencer

Views: 12,117

Rating: 4.8321676 out of 5

Keywords: Doctor, Ray, Guarendi, Ewtn, Catholic, radio, Homeschool, Spiritual, Growth, Speaker, Self-help, Ray Guarendi (Broadcast Artist), Radio, Is In, Training, Religion (TV Genre), protestant, baptist, interview, parenting, anger, help

Id: e_lqijSK0vs

Length: 33min 28sec (2008 seconds)

Published: Sun May 24 2015