Do You Ruminate About the Past?

hi everyone Mark DeJesus here teaching and equipping you to help you experience healing and freedom in your journey especially when it comes to mental emotional and relationship health I want to talk to you today about ruminating now I did a video about how I stopped ruminating you can check that out and that has helped a number of people but today what I want to specifically get into is addressing a question about ruminating about your past and it was actually a question that just came in during one of my q a lives and I didn't get a chance to address the Super Chat question and when I saw it after the broadcast I said you know what this is a great question and I'd like to spend some time addressing this the question says this says hi Mark I struggle with rumination on past upsetting events people often tell me to just let it go I find this to be dismissive and frustrating can you help me understand what they mean by that so not only do I want to address what you're asking I also want to address this subject about ruminating about the past and what it can invite us to experience in our healing and freedom Journey control is an issue that affects everyone everyone to some degree has control issues some it's massive others we just we need to be aware of it and work on it nonetheless everybody has control issues to some extent for obsessors who ruminate a lot they have a very hard time practicing what we call letting go and we say this statement right just let it go let it go let it go right and a that's very difficult for people with OCD or trauma or anxiety issues or their chronic worriers and two we often don't know what that looks like what does it look like to effectively let go so I'm gonna lead us on a journey towards the letting go what that looks like but we got to navigate some areas first to understand so let's talk about ruminating and and like I said I mentioned in another video what rumination is and and how I began to stop my uh very self-destructive ruminating habits because ruminating is not healthy it's a toiling or spinning over a subject where we like just keep rehashing it re-going over it with the intent that somehow we'll get to the bottom of this and figure it out the more we get into this spin cycle the worse it gets so the goal is to live present and we want to have a healthy sense of our future and have a healthy sense of our past ruminating takes us out of the present it gets us lost into the future which is worry worry is the fear of the future and there's an anxiety mixed in with that the sense of looming dread over the future over something that's going to happen so we spin spin spin and Jesus told us in Matthew that that's not going to add any stature it's not going to help you at all you need to look go outside and look at the lilies God's nature and look and realize how God can bring you back into the present you're going to be okay in the future because he's with you but ruminating can also affect the past and what happens with the past is there's a heavy shame influence that creates a spin cycle of Shame and this is what keeps the ruminating going shame and anxiety actually work together regarding the past to spin and spin and spin over certain issues now they could be areas like sin issues where you could look and go that was that was an example of sin in my life it could be a whole varying degrees of things of experiences things that you did things that happened right that you put in the category of saying sin but then it even gets into a lot of areas and this can cross over certainly I don't want to get lost in the weeds of defining things but this also gets into mistakes it gets into weaknesses it gets into flaws and even areas of immaturity because in your past many decisions and many actions and thought patterns happen because of lack of equipping immaturity and just where you're at in your life so here we are in the present moment and we are applying a heavy dose of shame to our past because those past moments are very vulnerable they reveal the flaws they reveal the unrenewed aspects of our journey the difficulties the challenge the traumas the dramas right and what I find is these the perception become more micro and what I mean by that and this arrow is that it can have like a general thing that happened in your past maybe it's a divorce you went through or maybe it was um some bad relationship decisions that you made some financial decisions that you made some losses some things that took place broken relationships things you said things you didn't say but then it starts to get more and more micro now you're analyzing discussions you had and you leave the discussion and now you're spinning about what you said about what you didn't say you feel stupid you feel stupid for what you said you feel stupid for what you didn't say you replay the moment with a shame perspective how do you know that you're replaying a moment with a shame perspective well what you're doing is one you just kind of had that gross like yuck feeling right they're just like ah all right and what you do is the narrative is putting the weight of guilt and shame back on you of all the things you did wrong all the things you said and shouldn't have said it doesn't give Grace for your learning and your journey it highlights you in an exposing way and if you notice this isn't fruitful but we still get caught into it why because the emotions are so strong and I've had I've had so many moments in my history where I think back to immature decisions immature perspectives and I just want to run and hide from that right I can look back at mistakes in my life in my journey but it can even get more micro to one little thing I said I was like oh that was so stupid why did I say that and then what happens is I start analyzing and analyzing and analyzing it and the emotion of it rises to the surface it often happens in the morning when you first wake up like oh what I just know what happened yesterday and people with OCD or perfectionism issues they can often get more and more micro where they're hyper analyzing the littlest of things and the littlest moments because shame and anxiety are taking on the dominant microphone in their life it's not allowing them to see themselves in compassion and Grace because without compassion and Grace we drown and so anyways it gets more micro so what we do is we get involved in unproductive spinning and here are some things that we get into one is just replaying it over and over again it's almost like very similar to trauma recall it's like the moment comes up and it just it keeps being triggered it rises up we feel this disgust the shame anxiety Rises up like I could feel it in my chest in my neck this moment this heightened moment and it just keeps replaying and I just want it to go away and I just want to get rid of it right so we think ruminating is the answer now we start hyper analyzing it and what we do is we search for a fix let me fix this let me fix this so we look for a cognitive argument within right we try to argue okay and maybe that helps a little bit but then it doesn't it's still churning now and now we're trying to fix this and then maybe we're praying we're repenting we're asking God for forgiveness and usually ruminators about their past have already prayed for forgiveness and repented it a million times and now they're frustrated because it doesn't seem to work because they're in this like Fix-It State they don't realize they're in a state of trying to fix and change the past and make it totally different so that it abides by different manifestations so that now they'll feel better and they're not realizing it's an impossible mission because you cannot change the past but what you can do is heal in how you see the past and actually learn from it our past is actually there for our learning but shame isn't going to let you learn so you're going to replay it then you're going to search to fix it fix it right then when that doesn't work you just want to get it off of you like in the shower you just want to shower this maybe the dirty feelings off of you because now you have interpretations of your past that are working against you you put these you put these heavy condemning labels on yourself and we get into avoidance patterns right we run from the thought just go away let's get out of here right or many people out of Shame have a don't go there just don't go there can't and just we have to be aware of certain topics in our life that have a don't go their fence around it because it means that there's no access for healing we got to allow healing in those areas many times the shame response that we're we're giving is not about fixing your past or trying to do some spiritual ritual that you've already done a thousand times to keep doing it's more about reinterpreting how you see your past because God actually uses the full package of The Good the Bad and the Ugly as a part of his Redemptive work and your journey all throughout the scriptures from beginning to end you see every person with major flaws major mistakes and they had to come to terms with those things in the process and God still used them even in spite even with all the Brokenness and flaws and bad decisions and sins I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul he was on a regular basis mentioning the areas of his life and the struggles of how to reconcile and look at things in the past there were great victories right that he would want to get prideful in about right and he would realize all that's nothing compared to the beauty of Christ but also had to realize his former life and realize his mistakes and learn to actually embrace those as a part of his journey but we do a lot of avoidance a big thing that I've done numerous times and many people do is this area of should they should on themselves there's many examples I've had many moments where I said something where I asked a question and then when I got the answer immediately was oh that was so stupid why did I say that or a sentence will come out of my mouth and I was like that just sounds stupid they think I'm stupid they probably think I'm an idiot why'd I even do that or there's even more harmful moments I I told the story back when my son Maximus was very very young and where I didn't latch the gate I ran down the stairs to grab something I was going to come right back up and I didn't know that but my son followed me went through and fell down the stairs it was a it was a traumatic moment for my wife and I a horrible moment and for months and years that moment would replay and I would keep when it was replaying I'm searching in the past for a fix I'd even find myself wanting to go into the fast and I'm wanting to go into a time machine and I want to take that moment and fix it right that's driven by shame because shame says this is all your fault it doesn't give room for learning for growth for mistakes there's no Grace you got to fix that because then I'm a terrible father now I'm a terrible father this is all my fault and now I'm stuck there and I can't let myself heal and grieve in that moment and now it's it's it's branching off into all different areas Vietnam shouldn't on myself of where I should do better where I should say better people write to me all the time a divorce they've had it haunts them and they're like oh or they've even they've cheated or they've they've had some sexual sin or they um they had a drug addiction or or whatever it is or they've made some mistakes and sins in their life and they keep replaying it and replaying it and replaying it and what it does is it disqualifies them they feel this issue disqualifies them so they're constantly in avoidance they run and hide because there's this driving abandonment issue if people know about this they will leave me avoid me reject me abandon me and then I'll be alone worse yet we transfer that to God as if he doesn't know and many times people struggle with oh my goodness God has left me because my sins disqualify me so we I find in many people I work with they disqualify themselves from unconditional love for all this because God loves you right now and invites you in but they they resist the love arrives and they find a way to disqualify themselves they find a scripture they find some something that accuses them and disqualifies unconditional love so they stay in a self-hating self-rejecting pattern they stay in disqualification and they have a narrative that convinces them of that so this spin cycle can be broken free but it's going to take a journey and the key the key I want you to pay attention is before I get to the next flow of healing in this is actually adjusting how we relate to ourselves and this gets reflected in how we relate to our past part of your healing journey is learning to put your past in a gracious and compassionate perspective Grace allows you to realize it is Christ's work God's power working it and through your life in your weaknesses in all of what you've been through God isn't just highlighting your victories he's working in everything and he's using everything as a part of your journey Grace points us to the journey love is helping us to realize he loves us right now not when we fix this stuff and change it and that's just a beauty of what the cross brings it brings about a forgiving heart a Compassionate Heart so that we're brought into relationship we're changed out of relationship but shamers in the spin cycle they think relationship will happen once this is all cleaned up clean it up then God will be will be with you well really he'll just tolerate you so we'll okay when I clean all this up so then it creates a self-effort we follow the shame listen to the shame and really the time and season that we're in is learning how to relate to yourself differently and how to relate to your past these triggers of past events are actually calling for you not to go back and edit them and fix them is calling you to see them with renewed eyes and that is going to take some practice all right so here's some things I want to walk you through a little bit when it comes to seeing our past and not in a ruminating place again you also want to apply just overall principles of ruminating some slowing down uh some of the things I've talked about in other resources and materials but here in regard to your past it's important that you discern the just right but never enough mentality and this helps reveal the presence of what is often called the inner critic this is the inner voice within that's based on self-hatred it's a lack of loving posture more of a hateful response it's also mixed in with fear shame and a self-rejection many people who battle with this there is this this ominous self-rejection theme that overrides their thoughts and perceptions about themselves so blocks love so that doesn't allow you to heal When Love is being blocked and being received we can't heal apart from love we we just continue to spin in our shame Cycles so discern the just right but never enough that's perfectionism that's that that's the inner critic fuels is a perfectionistic mindset about your past it says you're disqualified because of it God says I want to embrace all of you including your wounded mistaken even sinful past but for this influence it has a zero tolerance for mistakes flaws it just you're not loved with these things in your life that's the overall theme so unconditional love is actually a remedy for this and it's practicing seeing your past through a compassionate lens and this leads me to really this where the rubber meets the road when you have that that event like this person wrote rumination on a past upsetting event when it rises up it's very similar to somebody who struggles with trauma the goal in working through trauma is we want to be able to when the trigger happens of the moment which you can't really control and this is the control myth that we live in we can control whether or not something arises no it happens it kicks your emotions up and what we can do is learn a new response and the new response this is where the rubber meets the road is a new relationship with yourself and really inviting God's loving compassionate gracious perspective to enter in and this is going to be involved practicing a compassionate reaction so when the memory Rises up the question you have to ask yourself is what does it look like to see this event through absolute gracious compassionate kind of perspectives and sometimes people don't know how to even do that so I say okay think for a moment of somebody you love in your life who do you love the most those of you watching this video think about it who do you love the most easy to love them and just poor love and compassion a lot of times people say it's their child they may say it's their spouse they may say it's a friend right think of that person if that person had this pastful event or the Past full the shameful event that they're spinning about that they're ashamed over uh this mistake sin whatever whatever kind of issue and they brought it to your attention and you're tuned into compassion over them just really connecting to that what would you say what would your posture be now in that place of love you wouldn't yell at them you wouldn't lecture them you wouldn't tell them how terrible they are your first response would be maybe an embrace it may be I understand a lot of people when I walk them through this exercise they say I'm here for you their first response is proximity I'm getting closer what does shame do it pushes distance we feel God's distant from us and what happens within we separate from ourselves we separate from this part of our history and therefore separate from ourselves because we're embarrassed of ourselves what do we do when we're embarrassed right if somebody embarrasses you you want to get out of there right like if one of your family members or you know your uncle at a party or something embarrasses you you want to get away from that person when we're embarrassed with ourselves this is what we do we want to get away from ourselves compassion reverses it now I'm going to move towards you God in our sin and struggles moves towards us but that's frightening for many of us programmed by shame because we're like this is uncomfortable right but you need to recognize this and practice when the memory hits up it's okay that I'm feeling this way I did the best I could at that moment I was immature I didn't know I was living out of broken places now many people go oh you're excusing sin Mark right that's the rise of the inner critic because it disrupts this moment and doesn't want healing to happen now when we're acting compassionately we see it for what it is Yep this is what happened but God is here and God loves me and his grace is towards me and I've got to learn how to have a new relationship with myself and my history I've sat down with many people who they've had marriage mistakes uh drug mistakes you name it and they want to help other people but they feel so disqualified because of their history and they're hiding and running from it and what you actually need to learn is have a compassionate reaction to renew your response and this comes down to interpretation how are we interpreting your past this is the report and we have to decide whose report are we going to believe are we going to believe the report that keeps us stuck because the report of the enemy which is shame base keeps you stuck in your past without movement through it so that your past gets into proper perspective right compassionate love meets you in it walks you slowly through it so that your past becomes a part of your story in a fruitful way you see it as a liability but your past mistakes are actually an asset for your journey providing you connect to Grace and compassion in your life it's all about interpreting what's your interpretation and for most people that write to me ask questions they interpret their Journey Through the inner critic now it may have some factual things to it but notice they're stuck it's not the truth that sets us free it's factual accusatory evidence to accuse you and all of us have a list of thousands of things we could all be accused of right compassion changes the perspective it doesn't you know some people think Grace is sloppy your love is sloppy uh it actually sees the mess but love brings relationship connection into the mess Grace makes it possible because of what Christ did for us to shift the environment where now love can cover a multitude of sins where When sin abound Grace abounds even more just when we think we got disqualified God's muscles are just getting started to work in our lives now the healing Journey what I just described when I said you know think of a friend that you have or a loved one that you love how would you how would you talk to them give that to yourself This is the process of re-parenting and many of you are learning how to re-parent yourselves because you're still yelling at the 12 year old version of you you're still yelling at the 15 year old the 18 year old whatever you're still yelling at the kid lecturing condemning shaming pushing them away when what that kid needs that whatever stage of life you were in or young 20s or whatever in your adult life that person needs and embrace a hug they need Grace they need compassion because God's love sets the environment for us to be set free and so when you're re-parenting you're developing number one a new relationship with yourself and this is what all healing is bringing about in our lives this is what is the work of the journey two you're getting a new parental perspective and guess who your new parent is God your father you're learning how to relate to a new dad who is a good father but you're also looking in the mirror and relating to yourself in a new way this is where we need to park in our journaling in our processing how would you relate to that moment in your past if you were wired into compassionate Grace this will not be a light switch there will be a lot of days where it feels awkward there'll be a lot of days where you're going to feel like bawling your eyes out go ahead and ball your eyes out go ahead and let the tears flow that's part of your grieving there's going to be other moments where you feel just a smidge of some breakthrough there you go you're on to something right because you're learning how to relate to yourself your thoughts and your history we're not going to avoid your past nope it's a part of it so then what this can provide is an opportunity to humbly and lovingly embrace the past rather than running and hiding from it I noticed in my parents generation there was a lot of people who came to Christ at a really difficult backgrounds maybe drug lifestyle uh just just running away lifestyle uh whatever you want to call it that came to Christ and they said forgive me of my past right and they sought from that standpoint because there was a lot of Shame they had but I noticed this a very across the board everywhere there was a deep struggle in talking about it and when it would get brought up they would say it's under the blood it's under the blood it's under the blood but shame was still on them it wasn't allowing them to go yeah yeah that happened God's done a real work in my life but that's what happened it makes us afraid of our story so we lock it in the past and then it kind of haunts Us in the background because we're not letting it be put into perspective because we're avoiding and we're like oh and then we feel guilty oh if people knew about this in my past not that you have to go announce it to everyone or or you know back up the truck to everybody you talk to and just dump all the you know the history of what you've been through it's it's this I'm talking about the inner work is humbly because I'm not humble I get out of sobriety and I start defending myself and I'm panicking right when I enter into humility I sober up and I let love have a work so now instead of running from my past I embrace it and I accept this is going back to the question here this is part of your letting go I you accept that you can't fix that moment now are there times you can go back and say we're sorry yes but even many times people with shame they overdo that they're over apologizing they're over and they're still struggling right we need to make amends to those that we've truly heard yes that's that's an important part of the process but we cannot go and redo it edit it or just like somehow make it disappear it happened and a part of our healing is actually acceptance now in learning to practice acceptance we have to see our past from the lens of learning all of life is learning it's not about failure failure is not the end just when you thought you're at your worst and it's the end it's not about that it's about learning your past is actually informative and many people they struggle in their growth because they don't know how to process their past in a meaningful and fruitful way they're always being accused it's like an indictment against them all the time because they haven't allowed learning Grace sees all your life as learning yeah but I did this yep God's here he's working he'll use you and he's he's healing don't run from it don't shove it away don't say it's just under the blood but you don't want to talk about it never want to deal with it because that that can be valuable your history can be valuable in learning how to heal and grow to hand the Baton off to the Next Generation because you've worked through the trenches of stuff in your life and you give that to them now a big factor we have to confront is we have to let go of our control issues what we typically do in the past is we have ways of controlling it we control how other people talk about it we control our image we control in our thoughts don't go there we put it in a box we we we have certain rituals we get into these are all control mechanisms that are rooted in fear show me your fears and I will see the control issues that manifest out of it and so instead of running an avoidance we have to face the fear what does the fear say well if they know this if they know that people see this you'll be unloved you'll be rejected so the control feeds the avoidance but what it keeps you from doing control keeps you avoiding where you're off over here going maybe I need to repent another 32 times or maybe I need to do this or maybe that's this I need to do or maybe I need to spin and spin we go back to the spin cycle right that's a form of avoidance it doesn't let us face the fear and many times what we actually need to do about our past is let ourselves grieve because it's not about it all being your fault you being a worthless person a terrible person there's actually some grieving there your younger self your past self and just things that you didn't understand you weren't aware of Brokenness and and unaddressed issues in your life that haven't been healed to allow you to grieve where grieving leads us morning loss and just working through disappointments it leads us to acceptance they even say the the grieving process you go through you know the bargaining the denial the bargaining right the anger the depression and then acceptance acceptance doesn't say sin's okay we we sometimes get mixed up in that right like we're saying sin is good no acceptance recognizes okay this is this is what happened I see it and you see it in perspective as a part of your journey versus trying to fix it change it or manipulate it in some way to make it I don't know look in some way where you can control how people see you so to get to the question now took a little bit of the longer route because it sparked this as I was looking at this question when people say let go yes it can be dismissive because they're they want you to go here with all the foundational work I just said the new relationship with yourself the working through how you see things right we often give these Just Let It Go just Let It Go most people don't have and let it go muscle developed that's a muscle that has to be developed so when you're letting go here's here's one way I could I could state it um part of it is letting go of our control issues right because control is a way that listen control is a way we avoid the uncomfortable feelings that rise up about our past and part of letting go is letting go of that I'm going to stop doing that I'm going to actually feel the feelings when it rises up and each time I'm going to practice compassionate Grace here it comes again and it's like a roller coaster right you ride the roller coaster eventually the roller coaster ends but it was a rough ride depending on if you like roller coasters or not I'm not a big fan you know but I'll go through it okay it's over my stomach's a little queasy but I know it's gonna end and these shame attacks these uprisings of your past that will end and go well it's going to come back yep and the next time it comes back you're going to practice being more loving again and each time it's like water that washes over the rocks it starts to like refine them it pushes over the sand and the first wave doesn't change everything but wave after wave and this is what the love of and the grace of God does wave after wave so the past moment Rises up and you go no way I need to look at this lovingly I don't know that I can came through again all right it's all right I'm keep practicing compassion because then I can see it for what it is and I allow God to have a work now in my life so letting go is involves renewing your view of the past that takes practice and it's it's letting go of the shame and unloving ways you see the past so each time around you no no I'm not going to shame on myself nope not gonna do that oh I'm going into editing I'm spinning in the ruminating and you realize this ruminating is actually anti-loving when I ruminate it's like I'm taking the knife and I'm just shoving it further in I'm not letting love have its work and I realize when I'm practicing ruminating about the past I am just hammering myself in a unproductive unfruitful way and letting go is accepting letting go of the control issues the unloving ways right and I'm accepting the past as a part of my journey now your past isn't Who You Are right your past isn't who you are but it's a part of the package of your journey let it be something that God takes and uses as a part of your learning and as a part of your growing so as you practice this my counsel to you is gently take steps forward gently take steps forward keep walking forward you're not hurrying and running forward avoiding no but we're not staying in the past we're allowing new moments of renewal because if I made some mistakes and I let it be learning it's going to be informative for now if you made a mistake in relationships in the past it lets you learn so now in my relationships I'm learning and boy the pain of that as I'm working through it it makes me lovingly aware of where I am now to begin move forward now when you're driving in a car the rear view mirror is helpful to be aware of things in the past but you don't drive staring at the rear view mirror it needs to be put in its proper place ruminating shifts the rear view mirror with the front uh windshield and we need to switch that back I need to see the windshield moving forward but I allowed the rear view to be informative and helpful for my journey so I pray this helps get you out of rumination and get you to being present in the moment because you're loved and put these things in the past in its proper context is this helpful for you let me know right in the comments and let me know what was helpful please like And subscribe be sure to share this and subscribe to our email newsletter Mark dejesus.com you can go there and I'll give you updates on future resources and materials upcoming books and all of that that's available if you'd like to support these videos you can give a one-time donation or become a regular supporter if you want a next level application of this I would recommend the book God loves me and I love myself this will be a helpful place to park to allow you to see yourself in a renewed way so that you can allow this renewed work and how you relate to your thoughts and even your history in a more fruitful way so Lord willin and the creek don't rise this is your brother from another mother saying I'm out but I look forward to Bringing new insights for your healing and freedom Journey God bless you see you next time [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music]

Channel: Mark DeJesus

Views: 11,589

Keywords: Rumination, Shame, Past Events, Real Event OCD, OCD

Id: 0cX2eeCF3-I

Length: 36min 55sec (2215 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 06 2023