- Hey everybody, Happy Monday. Today, we're going to talk
about defense mechanisms. What are they and why do we have them? But before we get into that, I know we have a lot of new people here. Welcome! If you have a question or concern and you're wondering if
I've talked about it before, just hop into the search bar on YouTube, and put in my name, Kati Morton, and some keywords for your search like anxiety, depression,
stress, whatever. I have over 1200 videos or so, so chances are, I've
talked about it already. Okay, now let's get into today's topic and let's start off by defining the term. A defense mechanism is an
unconscious psychological response that prevents us from
feeling any anxiety or upset that can arise from a
difficult or harmful stimulus. Research shows that these defenses happen when our amygdala is firing. You remember our amygdala, right? It's that bean shape
part of our inner brain that acts as our fire alarm and it aids us in fight,
flight, or freeze. So when we feel we're in danger, our defense mechanisms come to our aid, even if the threat is something that we're actually imagining. For example, if we think our
friend is really mad at us, we don't have any evidence
for that by the way, but we just have this feeling. And so we avoid talking to them, only to later find out that
they weren't mad at all. So in a way, our defense mechanisms keep us safe and happy
because they prevent us from having to deal with anything that has the potential to be upsetting. But as I'm sure you can see, or at least hopefully admit, life cannot be completely
free from anxiety or upset. Life comes with its ups and downs, and we can't just avoid everything, and think it's going to be okay. That's why these defense
mechanisms quickly become unhealthy coping skills, that after keeping us
safe maybe that one time, now they just hold us back, hurt our relationships, and isolate us from our loved ones. We are all going to
experience defense mechanisms in different ways. Some may seem way over the top for us or feel completely out of control. While others are really easy to use and for some reason, they're
just really comfortable. And my guess as to why that is is because it's what we're used to or we saw it being used growing up. The ones that are easy
and comfortable for us are usually familiar meaning that we or someone close to us used it maybe on us before. We know when and how to use it so that we feel better, even if we only feel better
for a very short time. Because there are so many ways these defense mechanisms show themselves, I'm going to walk you
through the 12 most common. Are you ready? Let's jump into it. Now the first one is denial. This is when we simply refuse to accept that something happened. This is most common in
people with addiction when they refuse to admit or see that they have a problem. They are aware that
their life is in shambles and completely unmanageable, but they refuse to accept that, or admit it to themself or others. This can also happen in
abusive relationships where the person being abused refuses to accept that
it's happening to them because maybe if they
did, it'll make it real, and mean that they have
to do something about it, and they might just not be ready yet. Number two, displacement. This is when we redirect
our anger or upset onto another person. For example, if I got into
a fight with a friend. Instead of talking to them about it, I lash out all of my anger
and frustration onto Shawn. Ugh, not so healthy, right?
- No. - (chuckles) Number three,
intellectualization. This is when we're confronted
with something difficult and instead of deal with
that something difficult, we focus all of our thoughts and energy into the details of it, or how we can fix it, or make sense of it, instead of allowing ourselves to really just feel what's going on. An example of this would be that when our spouse tells
us they want a divorce, we go into hyperdrive, figuring out who should move out, how things will be divided, and all of the legal logistics of it, and instead of really giving ourselves the time to feel it. Now the fourth defense mechanism I wanna talk about is repression. This is when we've taken any bad or difficult feelings or memories, and we push them into our subconscious, like we dig a hole and put 'em in it, and we cover it up so that we truly, we don't
remember what happened, or even how we felt about it. "What, I don't know what
you're talking about?" It's just a black hole. And this can happen because of trauma or anything that we just don't
feel equipped to process. And truly if you've
heard me talk about this, this is why we end up having flashbacks and body memories later in life. Our brain is like, "Hey, remember? "I didn't forget about that. "I just hid it from you
so you could function, "but now we gotta deal with it." And so, it really needs you to
take the time to process it. And so, repression really
doesn't solve anything. Number five, projection. And this is kinda like
transference a little bit, but it's a little bit different too. Projection is when we place our emotions, thoughts, or motives onto someone else. Like if we're out at a party where we don't really know anyone, we start to feel nervous, uncomfortable, maybe we even feel like a loser, or upset that we even came. Instead of being able to
acknowledge that within ourselves 'cause let's be honest,
that can be really hard, we assume they're thinking
and feeling what we are, judging us, being mean to us. And we may even become really
upset, just in our head, thinking, "What are you looking at? "You don't know me!" And we can get really upset when truly nothing's
actually happened yet. Number six, overcompensation. And I'm sure just by saying that, you have some examples
that maybe came to mind, but this defense mechanism is used when we overcompensate
in one part of our lives to make up for another area where we feel we lack. It doesn't even mean we
actually have to lack. It just means we feel that we do. Instead of being okay with
not being good at everything, most of us aren't good at everything, someone who is overcompensating will try so hard to be really
good at something else, and put all their focus and
attention on that one thing, and allow the other things that maybe they aren't so good at, go hopefully unnoticed. Because if someone noticed their deficit, people who have this defense mechanism would feel completely exposed and like a total failure. For example, someone who
isn't very successful in relationships, maybe they're never able to get that second date, or most people they
tried to ask out say no, they can focus all of
their attention and energy into work so that when anyone ask them about their dating life, like their mom or grandma or other friend, they can point out all the
things they're doing at work, and how successful they are, trying to hide the fact that they're not really
successful at relationships. Number seven, regression. Now this is when we revert back to a child-like way of coping. This is a lot like the
emotional and maturity that I talked about recently. People who are emotionally immature are usually acting out of
this defense mechanism. Instead of communicating how you feel, someone who is acting out of regression could call you names, throw a tantrum, or pout, and storm off. Number eight, reaction formation. And this is when we act in complete contrast to how we feel. I call this the middle school crush. You know, when you like someone, you really like them a lot, you pick on them and call them names, maybe chase them during recess, acting the opposite of how you feel. But a more relevant example would be when you really want that promotion, you want it so bad, but when someone asks you about it, you act like the promotion is stupid, you haven't even thought about it. "Oh, I didn't even, that
didn't even come to my mind. "I don't even know why
you brought that up." Like it's just not safe
to feel how you feel and put that hope and
excitement out there. Number nine, rationalization. And this is just like it sounds. We even come up with
excuses for something we did and in a way, we explain it away. For example, let's say
you're out with friends, and you get overly angry at one of them, so much so that the
whole table goes quiet. Everyone looks at you 'cause you shouted, you got really mad, and instead of apologizing
for what you did, instead, you say, "God, if you haven't been so rude, Julie, I wouldn't have had to get that loud "or angry towards you." In a way, you're pushing
the blame onto someone else, making your reaction
seem completely rational, even if it really wasn't. Or if you take something of
your sister's without asking, you could say, "Well, she
has so many clothes anyway. "It's not gonna be that
big of a deal to her." Those are ways we kinda rationalize unhealthy behavior on our part. And number 10, sublimation. This is when we channel
any upsetting emotions, unacceptable impulses, or unmet needs into something more acceptable. For example, if we feel a lot
of anger or rage in our life, we may take up a boxing
class, or join a sports team, putting all that anger into that activity can sort of hide it for a while. And if this defense mechanism is used when we truly don't have any
control over a situation, like we're at work and we can't
really lash our right now, or like now is not a good time to really scream at that person which usually is not a good
time to scream at anybody, but if we don't have a healthy and easy way to deal with it, this defense mechanism's actually okay and can be healthy. However, if it is used as a way to avoid dealing with how we feel, and we're unable to move forward, then it's problem, so just
be careful with this one because it can be beneficial at first when we don't have a
way to process something or deal with it in the moment, but we can use a defense mechanism, and then we should process it. And if it prevents us
from processing ever, and we're just doing this, that's when it's an issue. And number 11 is dissociation. You've heard all about this one, but this is when our situation becomes too much for us to deal with, and we have to disconnect from ourselves which is depersonalization, or disconnect from our
reality, derealization. And in a way, we're kinda
pulling the rip cord, (yelping) and jumping out of our life, and into a dream-like
world where we feel safer. Many people report feeling
like you're in a fog, or moving in slow motion, or even watching yourself, you know, like an out-of-body experience. And number 12, passive aggression. I wrote about this a lot in my book, but this happens when we don't
have the tools or knowledge to express how we feel so instead, we passively show our upsets. For example, instead of telling our friend that we were hurt by what
she said and talk it out, we just show up late to our dinner date, keep her waiting, or flake
out at the last minute because something came up. People who act in passive aggressive ways will do their best to create a situation that makes us just as
upset or even more so than they were. But they do all of this without even telling us they're upset. They'll often just say
like, "I'm fine, it's okay. "Don't worry about it" when then they're really not fine, they're not okay, and they
want you to worry about it. Obviously, there are so many more defense mechanisms out there so feel free to leave any others
in the comments down below, but I want you to know that the only way to prevent ourselves from acting out in any of these defense mechanisms, trust me, we all use
them from time to time, I'm just as guilty as you are, is first to notice which ones you use, and be aware of the signs
that you're using it. Next, and the hardest part, is to work to fight back against the urge and instead, talk to people. Communicate when we're upset, talk about what caused it, and how we would like to move forward. Be open to being vulnerable and trust me, your relationships
will get so much better. True and open communication is key to a healthy and happy life. So give it a try even
if you have to practice what you wanna say beforehand. Just make sure you speak your truth and share what's going on with those that you're in relationships with. It can truly change your life. Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time. Bye! (smooth jazz music)
