Do These 7 Things To Instantly Change Your Life | Marisa Peer

I see all my clients and they all say the same thing I'm waiting for motivation you know what motivation doesn't go here I am I'm motivation I'm at your door and I've come to motivate you you are firing new neurons the Mind loves newness it needs newness we think of your mind like a Ferrari and think of you like a hugely competent highly skilled Ferrari driver oh so here's the classic mistake that comes up again and again and again I see all my clients and they all say the same thing I'm waiting for motivation you know what motivation doesn't go here I am I'm motivation I'm at your door and I've come to motivate you that never happens waiting to be motivated is a huge big classic mistake you have to take action to become motivated you see I don't love going to the gym I don't really love running but I never wait for the motivation to run or go to the gym to come I know if I get on that machine and start to work out I become motivated I have a Pilates machine in my house I have exercising to my house I have a boat right outside my house a kayak but I could go on every day but if I don't take the first action pick up my pal get on that paddle board get in that kayak or stand are my Pilates reformer I won't do and often again you know what we're not in the mood I'm going to do five minutes on the reformer and the five minutes becomes 25 minutes because when I start I keep going I know most of you have had this experience I don't really want to tidy the house but I'm just going to do one little thing I've put it off all day let me start do the laundry truck tidy up the house pick up stuff and as you do it you feel so good that you do more here's another thing I see with many people who say I'm not motivated to have sex a lot of women say to me no I'm not really motivated I've got so much to do make the kids lunch box put out the kids clothes walk the dog tidy up the house do the dishes I feel like the last thing on my list is I've sex with my husband I don't want to tick that list it's just another to do but then they say but you know what I decided to have sex and the weirdest thing happened I thought oh I'm really into this this is actually very nice and as I began to have sex I became motivated to really enjoy the sex whether it's sex or running or tidying up you do not become motivators until you take action you know I've written five best-selling books and I know you don't wake up go oh I'm so motivated to sit on my desk and write and write and write you have to sit on your desk you know I just do some spell check I just look at some chapters I just do that and then what happens is because you are taking action because I'm taking action to just think well I'll just spell check and grammar check and look at the layout and the formatting and as I do that I suddenly become so motivated to write more so if you want motivation never ever ever wait for it to turn up at your door in your living room indeed in your bedroom or in your gym because it won't but when you take the first bit of action suddenly you are motivated motivation begins when you take the action that you don't want to take it's fine again I don't really want to go to the gym but I'm going I didn't really want to clean in my house I'm doing it I don't want to go through these emails or do my taxes or write out this speech but I'm doing it I'm not even in the mood today for sex but I'm doing it anyway and please don't think I'm saying you should have sex when you don't want to I'm staying in a relationship with a person where you love each other sometimes you think well you know I could why not really in the mood but I'm gonna get in the mood so I get a lot of trouble saying oh you've just told me to have sex and I didn't want to no I haven't I told you that if you begin sex in a loving relationship you'll often find that you start to like it and enjoy it because motivation follows action it comes after action not before so remember if you're waiting for motivation to turn up it may never turn out but if you take the action that you would like the motivation to give if you do it first all of a sudden everything clicks into place you take action in taking action you become motivated and then you keep going we've all done this suddenly I thought well I'll just do 10 minutes of stretching I've been working out for an hour I thought I'd just tidy up one drawer I blitzed the whole house suddenly I'm motivated to really work on my business work on my website call my clients do things because instead of waiting for motivation to appear I took the first steps and here's something else will really help you to be motivated you must say I like it I want it I have chosen it I know as a writer waking up thinking oh no that book today oh I'd rather be anywhere than here it doesn't work because all of a sudden I have an overwhelming desire to tidy up the sock drawer make all the silverware in order straight in the cushions because what did I tell my mind oh no I don't want to do this my mind's job is to do what I tell it and to take me away from my Telly I don't want to do so I get up and go I love writing I want to write there is nowhere nowhere nowhere I'd rather be right now than writing this book I recently met a runner he said you know I run up this hill every day and I always hate it and at the end I can't take another step but then I started to listen to him as I started to go I love running up this hill I adore running up this hill it Thrills me what was amazing is not only did he run up that hill he ran down and up again he said I used to dread the count of a hundred to get to the top and now I'm getting up to 200. and I know the same thing when I'm working at a cab I only got 20 sit-ups to do and I think I do another 20 now I've only got 15 lunges left and as I get to the last one I think well why don't I do another 15. we can cope with anything we know there's an ending and we motivate ourselves when you take action but as as well as taking the action you have to go I want it I love it I've chosen it I like it I like it I like it I want it I want it I want it and I recently met a writer who said you know I found writing the most excruciating lonely isolating things to do and think of those words excruciating lonely isolating he said but I listened to you and I said actually it's thrilling it's engrossing it's absorbing it's rewarding I worked for the model once actually you know being a bikini model it is torture it's excruciating I said why she goes well people look at my body and I think isn't that interesting that she'd say being a bikini model is excruciating Agony and torture we all know it's not torture it's certainly not exclusive he's not Agony but the words you use Define how you feel your words shape your reality take action begin motivation use the right words I love it I want it I've chosen it and finally this one sentence should you choose to use it or change your entire life I have chosen this and I've chosen to feel great about I've chosen spent all weekend working on my business and there's nowhere else I'd rather be I've chosen to write a book write a speech work on something send it out there's nothing else I'd rather do I've chosen to work out and while I work out I keep saying I love it I love it my body loves the sit-ups my legs love these lunges my arms love these pull-ups what I call lying cheat and steal light to your mind cheat failure steel back success you know what to do take action first don't wait use powerful exciting words so what is neurobics well neurobics means doing something new I tell everyone the mind is brutal it has a use it or lose it and when you use your mind constantly you find new neurons all the time which is why professors of 85 have almost the same brain capacity of someone of 35 but we have this excuse oh I'm too old now it's normal to forget things it's my age when actually little tiny kids forget things go to a school and you'll see every day on the peg someone's forgotten their coat their lunch their swimming stuff but we start to think well yeah I'm tired I'm forgetful it's my age it's not your age it's because you are not using neurobics if you look at a child they color they get up they're going to do something else they come back they're always doing something new and new means use it or lose it you have to train your brain to stay young and active and sharp and there are many people of 95 with super sharp minds and other people have 60 who are letting their mind kind of Wither away and if you put all your work into having a great fit young looking body but you're forgetful there's no point in that if I could choose how to age I would choose to mentally age really really well because then I could say well I'm 95 and I'm alert and I'm wide awake I wasn't having a great body when I can't remember anything or Focus or concentrate but you can have it all you can have a fit body and a fit mind if you use new aerobics and here's the great thing about new aerobics you don't have to go to the gym no membership is required no hour of doing press-ups and lifting heavy weights and doing lunges as required and it doesn't hurt you go oh my stomach aches now and it's really hard work doing all these chest raises takes five minutes it's free it's easy so let me show you what neurobics is it means new but it also means the wrong hand most people are right-handed if you're left-handed you're going to have to reverse this if you're right-handed like me what you need to do is clean your teeth with the other hand it feels kind of weird but that doesn't matter and even better when you clean your teeth with the other hand balance on one leg for a minute for 30 seconds but do something with the other hand when you reach for your phone use the other hand notice how much you use this predominant hand for most of us it's our right hand we use our right hand to reach for things to comb our hair to pick up our phone train yourself to use the other hand every day reach for something with the other hand and know that every time you do that you are making yourself younger and here's something amazing wherever you start from in your house you will always if you're right-handed start up the stairs using your right leg wherever you start from it's quite fun to try you will always go up the stairs first on this right leg make yourself lead from the left get to the stairs and put your left foot on the stair first because you are firing new neurons the Mind loves newness it needs newness so do some new things clean your teeth with the wrong hand and balance on one leg just for a minute when you clean your teeth reach for your phone your paper your cup your spoon with the wrong hand use the wrong hand start going up the stairs using the wrong leg the unfamiliar leg and finally and this is really easy if you do a crossword puzzle every day because these things are really good for your brain crossword puzzles Sudoku Mind Games anything new if you're learning something new like a new language doing anything that's different is great for your mind playing card games I my husband and I just bought this Monopoly card game we found it last year in Bali our friends are playing it and ever since we play it a lot it's so good for you but if you are doing a crossword or a Sudoku do it on your iPad do it on your phone do it on your laptop because it feels different it's like oh I got to use this definitely got to fill it all in differently it's very good for your mind please remember use it or lose it if you don't want to lose it who wants to lose their faculties use it people say to me wow Marissa you have the most amazing memory I can talk to a client I saw 25 years ago remember everything about them and that's because I practice neurobics every day I love it it's easy and my dad died at 89 and he was so sharp sharp as attack I plan to be like that when I'm 102 and you can be too so make your New Year your new aerobics new year new year new aerobics on New Year's Day or before decide hey this is my resolution how cool it's so easy I can't really break it because all I got to do is reach for my phone with that hand clean my teeth with that hand pick stuff up with that hand start walking up the stairs with that leg and find something new a card game a board game it doesn't matter a language play an instrument anything you can do take up drawing doodling it doesn't matter what it is but if you do something new that's neurobics and the wrong hand is neurobics new year new aerobics new you having a fantastic mind where you're a sharp as attack and you can have that forever once you do neurobics this involves you writing stuff down so be prepared to pause the video a lot because I'm going to tell you the truth when you have a goal in your head it's not even a goal it's a fantasy it's a dream when you have a book like this you can call it your goal book and you write out your goals and you go through I'm just about to take you through bit by bit stage by stage you go back to that but you can look at it you can touch it you can just make it real so remember if you do not write out your goals as a plan and write out how to accomplish them you don't have a goal you have a wish you have a dream you have a Daydream if you want to go get a pen get a nice little book like this you can do on your phone too you can make a document in your computer and be prepared to make your goals real so let's start now get your book pause this if you need to go and find one create one and I want you to pick a goal and do not even start with I want to lose five pounds I want more money these are what I call wishy washy girls no if you can make your goals real you might as well make them huge big enormous phenomenal so if you say well I want more money that's why I could go hang on a minute hey I got ten dollars here there you go you go well that's not my goal but you said I want more money and I learned this when I used to work with women who were infertile that come and go you know I just want to be pregnant I want to be pregnant so bad if I was just pregnant I go well as I look at your notes you've been pregnant six times I know I keep miscarrying so being pregnant is not your goal is it what isn't your goal to carry to full term a healthy robust bouncing baby to deliver a perfect baby to be a great man yeah that's my goal why don't you say that because you can be pregnant lots of times and never have a baby or you can say my goal is to have a perfect baby how about this my goal is to get lots of attention for what a nervous twitch explosive gas that will give you attention but that's not what you want is it nobody wants explosive gas so let's start with a big goal pause if you need to take some time open your book and write out a big goal now you can have a career goal on whatever I'm going to have my own company create my own business invent something you can have a relationship goal my relationship is wonderful we grow in loving and respecting each other and you can have a health goal but I want you to pick one only one not three not five not ten one goal it can be career it can be health can be love pick one girl and then I want you to decide why you want that goal so much so the first thing is I have a goal I want to have my own business that's my goal and now you're going to go to a next page and write out why do you want to have your own business so much and the more reasoned you can write out why the more likely you will make that goal real so write down why write down as many wires as you can remember you can come back any time to this and think Oh I thought of another why and another why so leave plenty of space take your time and when you've done your whys go to another page and write out who will benefit from you achieving that goal of course you will but who who will benefit for instance if you have your own business you will employ people who will benefit maybe your kids will go to private school maybe your business will allow you to help your partner have their business the more people who will benefit from you achieving your goal the more reasons you have to achieve that goal so write out who will benefit from you achieving a Who how and why will they benefit you're going to buy your mama house put your niece and nephew through private school did you think of your mind as like the genie in a bottle that says your wish is my command and I want you to understand that every thought you think and every word you say is a blueprint that your mind body and psyche must make real so when you write out your goals don't say I wish I could be rich I long to be in a loving relationship write it as if it's already happening I am a millionaire I am in a loving relationship you Michael that doesn't make sense it does make sense because your mind only works in the present tense when you say next year I'll have a bikini body it doesn't know what next year is and so you must write your bows in the present tense I am I always I have I do you must use words that make a picture I want more money where you can find 10 cents or a dollar but you have to say not I want more money I am making a phenomenal amount of money I am making a million dollars because I monetize the gift I have or I make 10 million dollars a year because I monetize the skill then you have to make it detailed you have to give your mind an image to go towards what you want wants you what you are moving towards is moving towards you but you must have an image so you could say I'm going to write a best-selling book you could go I am writing a best-selling book and it is all about X and it's full of Y and the reason people love it is because and the reason people buy it is and when it gets reviewed they see this and you see you're making your goal real you're making it tangible you're giving your mind a very clear picture to go towards so let's go further so let's turn to another brand new page and remember we're always starting on this page so that page is free and that page is free for more this new page is about your discipline how many hours a day you're going to spend working on your goal how often are you going to come back to this book and look at it I want you to write out I am I always I have I do and I want you to fill that in you see the best goal in the world will not work if you don't work and many people fail at this point they write out a goal my goal is to be a millionaire my goal is to be famous my goal is to be wildly in love and I think that's it it's not it if you want to be madly in love right are all the reasons why but then you have got to put yourself in front of the kind of person you want to share your life with if you want to start your own business and you have a reason why you also need to have the discipline to meet people who will fund you sponsor you join Venture with you so I want you to really understand that the best goal will not work if you don't work you can have the start point but you have to keep going many of the most successful people ever say well you know I had a goal Luther Vandross had a goal to be a rock star and people said well you're an overnight success he went I don't think so you know I sang Jingles for KFC for 12 years that's a long night 12 years and people said but Luther you're singing on television that's cool you get paid a lot of money for KFC I said yeah but it's not my goal and he stuck it out and many people have got so close to success and had to keep going and you have to keep going so look at your Diesel and decide you will give more to your goal give even more work on it look at it write it out think about it talk about it you must be prepared to give so much to your goal in fact you must be prepared to be unstoppable in the pursuit of your goal when I wrote my first book I took it to several Publishers and some rejected it and I remember that feeling authors never forget it the thud sent my manuscript off I could hear the thought it came back they never send back the manuscript unless they don't want it and that was okay but then I heard the thought again and then I heard the third again and when you hear the thought for the fifth and six times it's like oh no they're sending back my book JK Rowling do you know how many times Harry Potter got rejected her goal was to write a best-selling book she heard the third over and over again every time she heard the thought she picked that book up she brought it back in an envelope and she sent it back and she said you know I had a little plastic covering and I had no money and I bought this special little cover and I put the manuscript in it and I made it look so nice and they send it back without it I had to go and buy that cover again but she was tenacious she kept going she got rejected she came back you must come back from rejection you must see a denial and a no as a delay you must have all the bounce back fact like a big rubber ball you bounce back writers have had their work rejected Desperate Housewives they were told that would never make it The Sopranos people said that will never make it it's too violent it's not funny it happened to become one of the most successful TV series of all time and if you knew even Gone With the Wind they were said that would never make it so many things we buy like trunky the little children's suitcase Tangled teasers we're told this this won't make it you won't make it many people you see out there who may have been told no many many times but they come back and they come back you must not allow rejection to stop you must understand the only person you can ever ever ever reject you is you and if you don't reject you no one can my husband owned a chain of Comedy stores and one day comedian went up and he told the joke it was funny it all went downhill and when he came off my husband's waiting and he said did you see how much they loved the first joke and I loved that because he didn't focus on them they didn't like any of the others he held on to they like the first one and he knew he could take that and have lots more first ones and you can do that too so let's go to another page this is really really important I want you to work on your self-belief and confidence write out what kind of confidence you will need to have to achieve that goal what beliefs do you need to believe to achieve that goal you know someone said to Michael Jordan you're so lucky that I know the more I train the luckier I become because you make your own luck write out your beliefs right out the confidence you will give to yourself because you can fill yourself up with confidence you were born with it you haven't lost it you just buried it under limiting beliefs you can remove those let's go to another page and this is really important you are worth it you might go look that's just the same as the other page not quite and even if it was I want you to exhaust yourself with writing you may just say I've only written three lines it's fine but tomorrow you might think of another one and come back why are you worth it why do you deserve this goal what makes you worth it why do you know you're worth it how do you know you are worth it and if you don't know how you're going to know that you are worth it you must believe you're worth it you must know you're worth it when you know it the world will join you in knowing it too remember pause the video please don't try and keep up with me this is serious I want to pause right and pause write more I want you to do this most people listen to these tutorials but this is not something to listen to It's only participating do it with me I'm doing this for you I want you to have phenomenal success and while you're writing I'm going to tell you something you probably already know there were many studies in the 50s where they took group of graduates and said how many of you have goals and how many of you write them down amazingly I think this is not word for word so please don't quote but I pretty much know this I believe three percent of that graduating it had goals and wrote them out a high percentage had goals and didn't write them out and another group had no goals at all they went back 20 years later 30 years later the wealth of the three percent you had goals and wrote that was worth more than the other 97 combined not only did they have monetary goals that they'd reached they had better relationships better how than all of this was attributed right back to one thing they had goals they wrote them out and they wrote out how to achieve them why to achieve them what it would feel like when they achieved them who would benefit when they achieved them they didn't probably do all of that but that's what I make my clients do and if you do it you know that you can have that success because that test has been done more than once it was done again in the 1980s it was done again in the 1990s and we're doing it today write out your goals write out your why write out your reasons write out what you are going to learn the new things you're going to learn if you're going to be a writer you're going to be a speaker if you're going to have your own business you better learn accountancy and so on and so on if you're going to sell you need to learn how to speak if you want to be a great anything you need to learn marketing I train people and to be being phenomenal therapists I tell them the truth look it doesn't matter how amazing you are if nobody knows where you are in most of our businesses we must learn marketing search engine optimization I didn't know any of those things I do now I wrote a book called trying to get pregnant and succeeding I never liked that title but it is the most searched for title on the web trying to get pregnant so I called my book a title I didn't even agree with because I don't use the word trying I use the word doing but I understood that what people search for I don't like the word losing weight I don't like the word losing but people search for that word so you're going to have to learn marketing technology I.T social media and that's good because the more things you learn the better you'll be Mick Jagger studied accountancy after he was a multi-millionaire because he wanted to know where his money was going and he's very smart you can do that too so let's finish with our last few pages you're worth it what are you learning and now I want you to write out on this new page that you are going to act it talk it think it speak it what will you do differently I want you to act as if your goal has already happened I am a best-selling author I have my own successful business I am a fabulous entrepreneur I am an inventor you need to say it in the same way all the women I met who couldn't conceive I made them go I'm expecting a baby that I'm not look you're expecting a tax bill aren't you you're expecting a phone call it's not there but it's coming you can expect a baby you're in a state of expectancy so I want you to think how would you talk how would you dress how would you speak what would you do how would you spend your free time when you have achieved those goals write all of that out it's a lot of writing I know but remember until you write it it's not even real so write all these things you're going to have faith courage and I want you to write out some of the risks you are going to take and here's the truth the only risk in life is not to take the risk Aaron of a publisher and said would you like to look at my book they said no I sent it to them anyway someone had told me that in publishing if you write on the envelope this is not an unsolicited manuscript they accept it so I send it in and they accepted it but I also had the third when it came back but I had to take the risketta Ring of publisher and say which you published my lettering an agency would you be my agent people said no no no successful hear rejection and they keep going so what risk are you going to take you're going to stand up and talk about it it's like people will go on Shark Tank and dragons and they get laughed off and some of them become so successful anyway the only risk in life is not to take those if you take a risk and it doesn't work you learn something we all know that Colonel Parker I don't know how many Kentucky Fried Chicken recipes he submitted until he submitted the right one and it's not important it's only important you keep going how many fails Edison had before he created a light bulb but he kept going so planet want it write it work on it know you're worth it and see it as if it was already happening so don't say one day I will in the future next year in five years now I am becoming ex now this is happening in my life now right now and when you finished well done but this is not finished I want you to go back every day read what you've written maybe add a little bit more and as you read it more ideas will come up more ideas will come up here's something that happens when you do something to make your goal real something happens something shifts so my story very quickly is that I always wanted to write but I wasn't sure I could and then I wrote an article for my daughter's school paper that was really easy everybody loved it I decided to write a book I went to an event sitting next to a girl we were talking and she told me she was a publisher of a penguin and she gave me her car but then she happened to say that she was moving to Hong Kong in six weeks so I took her car to put it in my bag and six weeks when I knew she'd left I called her number and asked and they said she's not she's left I went oh she asked me to send my book dropped and went really I said oh yes I've got her card here and she asked me to send my book they went okay well look Sandy but you must write on it this is not an unsuited manuscript because if you don't we won't open it so I sent it to them I sent it to lots of other Publishers too I took that risk you see someone put me in front of that woman the universe conspired as I took the courage to write my book The Universe put me next to a publisher and then I went to a dinner party I met an agent and one of my clients said well you know the best agent in town he's your client I'm like really they went yeah and I went oh and I called him he came to me he was my client I treated him for depression long ago and he became my age I don't need an agent I've got a book deal already because penguin took my book he said I will get you five times what they are offering you and he did all these things happened all these unforeseen events came out because of my commitment to do something the minute you commit to something to your goal book write it read it touch it the minute you commit to it the universe works with you all kinds of unforeseen amazing things will be put in your way right in front of because you committed everything will fall into place things will happen coincidence means two angles that fit together perfectly all because you took action your book is your action writing it read it look at it Fortune favors the brave be brave be courageous be bold have big goals and you know what I bet you achieved them let me know the success is not about never failing it's not about never having setbacks it's about how quickly you bounce back how quickly you get back up and I have found that the fastest way to stop spiraling and to get back up is to tell yourself that you have phenomenal coping skills many years ago I worked with a girl who really had a challenging life in fact her mother's saying was this I can't cope they never went to the cinema or even the store the mother couldn't cope with light or sound she was light sensitive noise sense if you opened a bag of potato chips it would make her react because of the mother's words were I can't cope can't cope with the noise can't cope with a mess can't cope with anything my client grew up with a belief I can't cope and she had such an inability to cope she ended up being hospitalized and then she was day patient and then I began to treat her and she said you know every week I have to go for therapy and we sit in a circle and we have to say something good when it's my turn I tend to go what a day I saw some daffodils it made me smile or yesterday I saw some bees and I felt good and I'm like no forget the bees and the daffodils this is what you are going to say when it's your turn in the group to speak you are going to say I have phenomenal coping so also next week you're going to say I have extraordinary copings so the next bit you're going to say I have amazing copings we're going to say it in that group you're going to write it on your mirror you're going to say it every day it's going to become not just your affirmation but your statement of truth I promise you if you say it you send a message to your mind by the way your mind does not care if what you're telling is good or bad right or wrong useful or useless helpful or not helpful who doesn't care you know why it doesn't even know so you can choose her to go I can't cope or you can choose go I have amazing coping skills I can't cope I have awesome coping skills you get to choose you know what you can't choose what you do to your body unit I can't cope this is driving me crazy and at the end of my rope I'm at my maximum bandwidth I just can't cope I can't cope because it's not true human beings are actually resilient and the fastest way to stop yourself spiraling out of control the fastest way to stop believing that events is all gone wrong my flight got canceled my contract got canceled my partner left me my child got sick I can't pay my bills I'm losing it I'm sinking I'm drowning in debt I'm sinking into grief I can't deal anymore the fastest way to stop that is to have some amazing sentences I have extraordinary phenomenal incredible and vivable exemplary coping skills sends an incredible message to your mind that doesn't think doesn't argue doesn't disagree just goes hey whatever you say your mind is the genie your wish is its command when you say I have amazing coping skills your words shape your reality and it becomes real because it's not the events that affect you it's the meaning you attach to the event it's not pressure it's not people it's your beliefs so going back to my client let me call her Annabelle that wasn't her name but we'll pretend it was Annabelle came back and said you know it's amazing I say that all the time I even sing that song from in the map it's phenomenal phenomenal I think I'm phenomenal and it's just so in my head I sing it say it speak it think it and I feel amazing but you know what else has happened the nurse said to me Annabelle the other patients also would like to say they have phenomenal coping skills is that engagement well it's not my word Marissa told me to say it it's a word I use all the time by the way so she said sure So they all began to say it in turn different versions of it and then the ward put up posters all around you have amazing coping skills you are a phenomenal copen they said that that Ward that group if you like had the fastest discharge and the fastest recovery so I invite you to do the same be a coper tell yourself I can cope with whatever life throws at me whatever's in my path I cope with it because I'm a coper not only am I a Copa I'm a phenomenal Copa an extraordinary Cobra I have phenomenal coping skills you see if your belief is I'm going to be perfect I'm going to find a perfect person have a perfect home raise perfect kids and have a perfect job you know what you'll be disappointed Perfection doesn't exist in 30 degrees I can tell you that my clients who keep trying to be perfect not only the unhappiest and the most dissatisfied they are also the loneliest because we don't want someone who's perfect we want someone who is real we want someone who can cope because that's a great thing oh I can cope and you can cope and let's cope with life together let's take the good and the bad and let's just have a great life with our great coping skills so let's imagine that you use the word I can't cope I'm in overwhelmed that's a new word I'm in overwhelmed I'm overwhelmed if you tell your mind that you can't cope then you need something to help you cope that may be drugs it may be medication it may be alcohol it may be food because you've told yourself I can't cope because your mind takes everything you say as literal it's now going to look outside of you for something that makes you cope I was working with a girl recently you had a very bad drug problem and I told her something I said you know what drugs other people who can't cope with reality realities for people who can't cope with drugs and she laughed and said I never thought about that drugs are for people who can't cope with realities if I cope with reality that means I don't need drugs of course but when we're in grief we're going I need medication I need something to take away the pain I need a pill I need a drink you see it's a belief it's an action I need something out there medication drugs drinks cigarettes cakes I need something out there because I've just told myself I can't cope in here in fact when you can COPE in here you don't need anything out there and you can cope with grief as painful as it is you can cope with loss you can cope with setbacks because when you medicate when you push them down with a massive tub of ice cream or with some drugs or with some alcohol when you push them down they don't go away they regroup and they come back stronger than ever all of my clients are antidepressants say you know it doesn't work one of my clients came to me and said I can't have sex with my husband so I went to my doctor he put me on Prozac you know what's happening now I still can't have sex but I don't care I'm just so numb I don't care something was driving me crazy now I'm on medication and I'm just numb I'm not up I'm not down I'm numb you don't really want to be comfortably numb you want to feel and Joy and Pain like the weave of a cloth you can't have one without the other we can have moments of immense Joy but there's also pain our parents will probably get old and die we will get old and die things happen but when you believe I can cope with anything life puts in front of me then you can indeed cope I lost both my parents and one of my dearest friends all in the same three-month period that was hard but I was just so glad I had my parents for such a long time I was so glad I got to be with him at the end and talk to them and say goodbye and my father was saying I've had a wonderful life I've had such a great life it's been an amazing life he was a Copa my mother had a very different passing and I felt no pain when my father died apart from I missed him I felt a lot of pain about my mother because my mother wasn't a Copa my father was my father decided he'd had an amazing life and my mother didn't quite think the same thing be a coper you get to choose remember you can choose to be a coper you can choose to believe you're an articoba but you can't choose what believing you are not a copper does to your body to your adrenals to your cortisone levels when you believe you are a Copa everything is easier so be a Copa all the time your mind does what it thinks you want to do this is probably one of the most powerful rules of the Mind here's your mind's job it's got a very clear job I'm your mind and I'm going to do what I think you want and when you say oh this commute is killing me my boss makes me want to die my kids are making me go up the wall I am stressed out of my mind by the freeway your mind goes oh you keep telling me that something is killing it appears to be your job or your commute why don't I just give you a lovely ulcer and then you can stay home and avoid that place that's killing you it's that's its job why don't you do your job and talk to your mind better the commute is a pain but I have great CDs to listen to I have stuff to do my boss is difficult with everyone it's not me he's not there and having sex with my wife he's not in the room and having a lovely dinner this is temporary he's an unhappy person do it better you will get what you want when you tell your mind what you want but here come the words let's imagine you're going to give a speech and the words are oh my God I'm freaked out I'm terrified I'm going to go bright right out of my mouth and go oh I I haven't got the time right I'm so nervous your mind goes do not get on that stage if you walk to that stage I'm going to give you a massive panic at the middle of the room because you told me you don't want to do it and I've got to do what you want or you can go I am fantastic at speaking I've got something to say people like me what I have to say is a value speaking to a stage is that speaking to my wife or husband and then your mind goes get on that stage and do it you always have a choice but your mind's job is to do what it thinks you want when you go I want a week off who's ever done this what I would give for a week off lying in bed your mind goes leave that with me now you've got the blue how cool am I I listened to you you wanted a week off lying around watching Netflix now you got it that's not what you wanted you need to say I need some time and I'm like a battery I need to recharge and I'm okay at working full out all week because at weekends I recharge like a battery now your mind understands but saying I'd give anything not to have to chair that meeting mine goes how about a nice dose of diarrhea I can bring that up for you you don't want to chair that meeting you said I'd do anything not to go I'd rather kill myself than give that presentation to my boss and I go don't kill yourself I just give you a really upset stomach now you can't even leave the bathroom there's no chance you're meeting your boss done what you wanted I know I'm making it funny but it is funny that so many people don't understand your mind's job is to do what it thinks you want and it bases that on one thing the words you use and the pictures you put in your head and hear some great news you can change those words and change those pictures like that and when you do that it changes everything so your mind tries to move you towards pain away from Pain and towards pleasure too varied I mean so many kids are going I want to ask out this girl I want to talk to that boy but I'm so nervous they won't like me and they're going to reject me and laugh at me and and if they keep doing them the mind's gonna go no don't go there stay the way you are so you have to say people like me I'm a great kid I get all my young kids to write on their mirror I'm an awesome kid I'm enough and it really changes them because they start to feel it I'm an awesome kid I can talk to a girl like I can talk to my friend and then they feel okay but if you keep linking pains on your mind goes don't go there don't go there and if you link pleasure to it you go there because you're giving your mind an easy job I've got to work on my website all weekend and all my friends are in the bar so I can link paint that is not fair it's not fair that I've got to spend all weekend writing when I could be in the pub now your mind's gonna go I think you should tidy up your sock drawer make sure all your forks face the right way then plump up the cushions and then go to the pub because it's very clear you do not want to work on your website but oh boy getting those forks and knives in line is really compelling who's done that most of us do that I suddenly need to do the laundry which I don't even know I'm tidying up my house because I'm saying I don't want to write that bit of work how about saying it Thrills me to work on my website I'm elated working on my website there is nowhere I'd rather be in the whole world right now than sitting in my office working on my website your mind goes I'm going to set you on fire now you're going to be doing this till two in the morning you told me you love it and it throws you let me fill you up with energy and passion I'm a writer I know how this works I never go oh my God I got to write a book I had so lonely it's so isolating and what if no one like what if it goes on Amazon I hate that book and it gets no stars or I can go I love writing how cool is it I get to write people pay for my books and they like them and they give me great reviews because there's a choice going on again so whatever you want you must link massive pleasure to what you want and you can link pain to what you don't want but I I don't bother to do that let's think of all the pain your books Never published you go into your coffin it's still in a drawer it you don't have to do that just focus on the pleasure bit I'm a writer it's amazing my book is published I used to always imagine my book in stores I'd imagine going to an airport people reading my book and when I did it was like Wow but your mind went well I took you there because you showed me very clearly what you wanted I had that image to take you to because what you want wants you and what you are moving towards is moving towards you don't move towards fear don't move towards failure don't move towards it going wrong move towards it going right so we've actually done the next bit your mind responds to the pictures and words the fastest way to change anything is to change the pictures and words and it's such an easy thing to do I'm terrified I'm elated I'm useless I'm amazing I have no memory my memory is compelling I can't speak to people what I have to say is easy I find it easy to speak to anyone this is the most vexing rule of the mind for every therapist and coach in the room it's the one my clients have the hardest time with your mind loves what is familiar if your mind could choose it was stay with what's familiar and never go to what's unfamiliar we're in a ward City and that's interesting because years ago at night they shut the door and we stayed in the wall we didn't think do you know I feel like going from Midnight stroll I think I wander I'm a bit bored of being in this same old same old I want some variety I think I'll open the gate wander off and find another tribe they might have killed you or eaten you we learned familiar made us safe who here notices with their kids and they literally want the same cup the same Bowl the same cereal I took my daughter to Finland to see Santa Claus she watched a Little Mermaid and finished the whole time and she didn't that was okay and finished because she knew she'd watched it 110 times around like babe his father Christmas his only mummy I want to watch The Little Mermaid it's like well next time we'll just stay home and watch a movie then she did actually get into it but it made her feel good she used to play this game she had so many Barbies and Ken would come up in his car and he was picked the same one he never picked another one to go to the ball because they like familiar it makes them safe you know how many kids you have they want the same story every night but Familia also makes us safe so here's a rule of the mind and it's a very important rule to put into practice my mind likes what is familiar and it doesn't like what's unfamiliar okay I can make anything negative unfamiliar and anything positive familiar let's start with praise it's the most simple but the most powerful I meet clients are never praised I met one girl whose dad said you're so rubbish just like your mother God knows what you've got going if any man asks you out snap them up because you are nothing you're not interesting you're not attractive when you get pregnant you'll blow up just like her and be a big fat mess so if anyone wants to be with you I can't imagine why take them and she heard that a lot so she had this interesting belief I've got nothing to offer the Wild and I did a lot of work with her and she went out to it was just amazing it was like magic this guy came up and he asked me ow and he was so nice I mean he actually made another date and he picked me up in his car and took me out for dinner told me it was amazing I'm never seeing him again I'm like really no no he was too good for me I'm like oh let's change that word into his behavior was so unfamiliar I don't recognize praise or nicer so somebody believing I'm worth something and I want to run back to the familiar guys I have to beg to take me out or seeing my friends I pay the bill and they remind me of my dad and I'm like well guess what you're not supposed to have sex with your dad so there's a clue if someone is like your dad I don't think you should be getting into bed with them and I think you need to make that people like it when you make them laugh so she went right so I said you need to go out with this guy and this is what you do you keep saying I will make this familiar he Rings me when he says he will and make it familiar he texts me I'll make it familiar I will make it familiar and she ended up marrying him she's very happy so how weird the other guy called me and said what happened to me she went what the guy who never called me you never called me so I just let you go so you have to say let's do it with all of you how many of you find prey is a little unfamiliar how many of you find praising yourself even more unfamiliar okay so if you're never praised and you're criticized a lot and Christian is familiar when someone goes wow I love that teach you go I got it free he's got a hole in it I've had it eight years I loved your speech didn't you notice I missed out the best bit no I thought it was amazing I hear you're the best salesperson in your team yeah but not in my County there's another guy way better than me so if praise isn't familiar you will reject praise but you'll add in what familiar criticism so they're one of the best things you can do that will change your life is to make praising yourself familiar and to make criticism unfamiliar don't do that daily life I'm going to look at my hair oh there's a stain on this jacket I'm an idiot oh I didn't buy any nice food now I'm gonna have to eat donuts I'm such a I didn't charge my phone I'm a I haven't got enough time to get there I'm a loser you know if someone said over your work it's not very good look at that you haven't even spelled it correctly then all the way home I went you haven't left enough time you're an idiot you haven't got any nice food how quickly would you kick them out of your life pretty fast but when it's you you can't kick yourself over and when a friend is mean you go they're having a bad day but when you're me and your mind goes well it must be true everything you tell me is true so you need to make praise familiar it's really easy I'm amazing I'm kind I'm nice I'm real I'm authentic I'm a good person I have something to offer the world I have a unique skill that's easy and don't go I'm an idiot I'm a I was telling my little girl off one day she got Regular Show Mommy you are a Silly Billy and I thought what is a great word so next time I'm about to say you idiot I go you silly Billy because it's just a word if I said to my husband oh you silly boy he doesn't go how could you offend me like that because it's a word it's how I say it you're so naughty he doesn't go I know I'm I need some therapy I'm so bad I go that's you're so bad so it you can make words so I want you to think of the worst word you have for yourself it's always the same stupid Airhead idiot loser and I want you to change it to Silly Billy because when you say Silly Billy because you can't help it I was changing a light once my hand was wet and I nearly electric and I was about to give you stupid effing and I went you silly Billy don't do that again because why beat yourself but there's enough people in the world who'd like to beat you up why do you want to be one of them be nice show the world that you're worth it so up prays massively and minimize Christmas if you wanted to change your life today this will change your life praise yourself a lot and don't criticize yourself and if you go yeah I did something really bad go what I learned I learned from that mistake I'll never do it again if it taught you something it's okay don't beat yourself up you're allowed to make a mistake you are not allowed to beat yourself up berate yourself and call yourself names and punish your body for doing what everyone does they make mistakes so to make a mistake is human and to forgive yourself is really Divine and to call yourself a facility feels even more Divine so that's something I recommend you all do whatever you focus on you get more of how many of you sat having an injection going oh my God that needle's going in and it really hurts you notice the babies don't do that because they don't know so whenever I have to have blood take and I get my phone out as the ease and I get completely and I go ahead and I don't really notice it but if I look at it it's not the same if you focus on pain it hurts if you focus on stress you're more stressed in fact I had a client come up to work on stage with me and she was like this she was shaking so much and all my class would go my husband's like wow I've seen you get people out of that but I've never seen them start with it and she was just shaking so much I'm like okay I want you to shake more I want you to really shake come on Gwen you can do better than that shake keep shaking shaking shaking I said you know have you ever seen a deer pursued by a lion when it gets away it doesn't go I need therapy now this is so traumatic it shakes it stands and Shakes and it goes back to the herd and life goes on and when I made her shake what was happening is she began to think oh I'm in control of the shaking I'm doing it then I can stop it and so when clients go my knees are knocking and knock them together loud I want to hear it my hands are clammy can you make them even more clammy can you turn up that sweating so you're dripping yeah go on them and then they I say and you see that you're doing it what you focus on you get more of when they focus on oh I did that and I can turn it down it feels better so don't be scared of clients that shake or sweat or start to laugh or say when they laugh like I want you to laugh even more I want you to almost wet yourself with laughing actually I don't say that too often because that does put a bad pic good picture in the mind when people I say laugh more cry more I laugh with them sometimes I cry with them whatever you focus on you get more of if you ski and you focus you'll go if you're on the freeway and you focus on an exit hard enough you'll take it without even planning to so whatever you focus on you get more focus on great things and you'll get more of them the strongest force in every human being in the world is that we must in a way that utterly matches and is completely consistent with our thinking I know I'm going to fail I know I'm going to mess it up I know it's going to hurt I know it will go wrong now you have zero choice but to act in a way that's consistent with your thinking I know it's going to be great I know I'm going to sail through it I can Ace this this is easy change the words it changes your whole language but everything starts with a thought everything everything everything begins with a thought and here's the great news your thoughts are yours to change and you can change your thoughts it's actually incredibly easy when you learn that everything starts with a thought a thought is a word and if you use what's elated empowered ecstatic blissed out amazing phenomenal incredible I'm Stellar I'm just amazing and you can repeat the same words over and over again I feel ecstatic I'm elated when I work through to say I can't stand up to my boss I can't tell my mum that she's actually the biggest in the whole world who ruined my life I go well how about thinking if you say that it makes you feel elated it makes you empowered it sets it free because outrage is just rage that needs to come out I said listen your anger is like gas better out than in she's not in the room let's do it now I want you to say to your mum mum you know I want to love you more and I can't because I resent deeper and suddenly they go you absolute you biggest in the world how could you do that although I feel so good now because it's out and I can go at home and I can love my mum better because I've let the resentment out so I never tell people to keep it in I think feelings do the most damage when they're kept in when they're repressed and pushed down and most of my clients who binge and drink too much are pushing down feelings the stomach is the seat of all emotions you can't heal what you can't feel but you should let feelings out and if you keep it in you always suffer you always feel repressed many clients I see who say they are depressed are not depressed they are repressed and they are suppressed because they can't say I resent you for always say my brother was smarter I resent you for marrying six different guys who are hideous to me and never putting me first and then they make their peace and then they move on you have to be aware of it you have to accept it and you have to articulate it I call it Triple A be aware of your feelings my ex-husband drives me crazy and I'm so angry with him and I can't tell him because he's the father of my kid I get that shut the bathroom turn on the Taps and say you are the biggest ass in the world thank God I've got a great ass because I realize I don't need another one in my life and make it funny God gave me a great ass I don't need to marry one I'm done with you but say it and then you feel better and make it amusing because I don't think I feel terrible she said I can say I've got a great ass I don't need to date one and now I feel good I remember that they remember stuff that's funny and significant so remember your thoughts form the blueprint what you present to your mind it will present back to you and you go I'm not enough it goes of course and when you go I am enough it goes of course so we've already covered this rule that your mind doesn't care we've covered every thought you think here's a great rule when dealing with a subconscious mind the greater the conscious effort the less the subconscious ones who's tried to relax who's tried to sleep who's tried to remember the name of that restaurant I don't know and suddenly oh my God it's just popped in my head your mind actually is like Google if you need to remember don't go where's my keys where's my keys my passport oh my God I'm gonna miss the plane I'm gonna get fired it's all a disaster don't do that say to your mind tell me where I put my keys remind me where my keys are and do something else and it will pop in oh of course I came in and I put them next to the fridge tell me the name of that restaurant I went to do something else your mind would do its job you give it an instruction mind go ahead and tell me where my keys are where my wallet is and it will tell you it will pop it in your head but when you try and start you know the thing where you empty out the drawer and then go and empty again and now you've emptied it out three times looking for your past but you know it's not there but for a fourth time let's tip our handbag on the floor pull out a drug I'm missing the flight oh my God everyone's gonna hate me my kids are going to be furious don't do that stress shuts down logical thinking when you're stressed your mind goes there must be a lion somewhere let me pull all the blood away from your brain into your heart and lungs so you can run I saw this in action years ago I was walking home and this guy was following I lived in a basement and I got halfway down the stairs and I knew he was going to come down the stairs here and I got my key in the door and I couldn't work out I thought I've lived here for five years I don't know how to open the door so I'm so scared but I had the foresight to pull the key out and I had to stand back in the shadows flatten myself against the wall and he came halfway and he couldn't see me and he left but I wasn't going to keep trying to open that door because when you're scared your mind just disappears you can't even remember your own phone number so you have to fill up your mouth with saliva and pump it around push your shoulders down and then you're not stressed but uh it's very important when you want to remember something don't try ask your mind to remind you and if you're in an exam and you know my God my mind's gone blank fill up your mouth with saliva swirl it around push your shoulders down and your mind goes a wet mouth is a sign of someone who's relaxed that's why we kiss by the way before we have sex a wet mouth makes you relaxed and so don't do that I can't remember I don't know where I'm going I'm lost on the freeway oh my God which road shall I take I'm just panicking fill up your mouth with saliva and say subconscious mind remind me I looked at the map which road is it it will tell you because it's foolproof but you've got to do it too your mind works for you you don't whatever put it to work I mean if you had a piano okay I'm going out now just um just do the job or hey I'm going out to Tallon could you decorate my house do you think you're going to come back and they've done it right no you've got to go this is exactly what I want the more specific you are with your decorator PA or hairdresser the more you get what you want you know because your resume go get me something to eat I don't I didn't want that well you said anything would do you got to talk to your mind that way too so uh I think we pretty much got that the mind can't hold conflicting beliefs so let's go on to hypnotic language patterns we have just enough time children can only work in the present tense they don't understand tomorrow my little goes okay mommy is it tomorrow today she didn't know what yesterday today and tomorrow what was it tomorrow now is it tonight today because they don't understand they only understand now that's why with a baby when you leave the room they think you're never coming back and so children aren't really great at Future pacing children can only respond to words that make pictures a more Vivid the picture the more powerful they respond so don't say you're a good kid so you are an amazing kid what I love about you is you've got a natural gift for science or what I love about you is you're so good at cooking what I love about you is how much you love learning it doesn't matter if you don't get great grades you love learning the more you can make the picture good see I have so many kids or twins ago I was called twins twins Lunch is ready twins get in the car and they had no identity T don't do that don't dress your kids the same don't say I love you because you're smart because when you label a child you limit them even a good label I love you because you're beautiful kids here and if I wasn't you wouldn't don't do that I love you because you're lovable and when you grow up people are going to love you one of my clients if I can't find love my daddy said to me every day no one's ever going to love you like I do well there's a program you say to your kids you're so lovable you're going to find so many people who love you like I love you so a child's mind doesn't recognize neutral words how many people say to a baby don't touch and then they touch because don't is a new touch they know what touches Don't touch don't keep touching it stop touching it they can only hear the words touching it so you can see that's very fragile and it's very important to Mummy as I say to my little girl when you're walking across the house with a drink I don't don't spill it don't oh look you've spilled it now I knew it you always spit I Go Darling when you look at when you you've got to look at the cup and not the television and if you look at the cut while you walk you'll keep it up right and then everything will stay in the cup they understand stuff that makes a picture don't spill your juice I guarantee they're going to spill it every time you go you just you just can't stop spilling it you're just a messy kid and the four days they go I'm so messy I'm always spilling stuff what's wrong with me you were conditioned that's what's wrong with you but you can be unconditioned like that so a child mind responds better to specific word and instructions so they don't understand later they do respond to positive words you must with children eliminate every negative word you're bad you're naughty good kids do bad things smart people do silly things say to a child you're a great kid why did you do that that's not you you're a good kid and they go well you said you liked her more than me no I didn't well I heard that and so if you start with you can't do it all the time our kids push our buttons I said they know you're my teacher darling you're teaching me how to cope with somebody who gets pain all over the carpet my daughter's an artist I'm tidy she's messy I wasn't designed to give birth to myself how boring would that have been she's nothing like me I'm nothing like her we learn from each other it didn't make our life perfect but it made it easier so children also respond to you are you can you always you do you all know the story about the class that were given to a teacher and the teachers of these kids the Geniuses we predict they're the best and you are the genius teacher who've done these secret tests genius kids genius teacher we know you'll get genius results which of course they did and they went well we picked you at random and we put the kids at random but if you believe something it becomes true so let's go on to the very last one children can't future pace so when they're feeling sadness it feels like it's going to be for the rest of their life and they do this thing called tagging I can't make my mummy happy and it's always going to be this way my I don't have a dad I don't have anyone to love me it will never ever change we don't have enough money it's going to be like this for the rest of my life and so when you're working with children I say to them something which I love as they look darling this is your life today it's not your life I know your dad's an alcoholic I know your dad's in jail I know your mum's working all the time and you live with babies and I know there is your life today but it's not your life one day you'll have a totally different life they're not good at Future pacing but that one expression it's your life today you have no friends I mean I worked with a little girl who had no friends and was so bullied and now this girl has got so many friends because I always say remember it's just your life today and probably tomorrow next week and I taught her not to want friends because when you have a little thing on your head that says please like me kids don't like like that they like I like me if you want to like me too good if you don't you're lost and I taught her to do that to change her energy she was inundated with friends but they really respond to that word and because children can't future Pace that's like when it when you'll be below two and the mother goes out kids think she's not coming out when you see oh my child's so greedy I want it to wait to eat they feel like they're never gonna get fed again because they cannot future pace and so when you're a therapist or a coach you're in able to say you know I wolf down Donuts I I Mainline jelly beans what's wrong with me somewhere somehow their parents made them wait and weight or remove food as a punishment you don't have that because you're bad or we can't afford that and because the child's mind thinks it's forever they act as if it's forever even 40 years later so the job of the child's mind is just the same as the adult mind it does what it thinks the child wanted it I don't want to go to school I'm scared of school and now I've got all these anxiety attacks and hives and eczema out to the little kid who had X when I said darling I know this is a crazy question but if the X-Men had a job what would it be and he said wow when I stand like that and mummy puts the wet bandage on my eczer he called it his sensible skin couldn't say sensitive he said when she puts the bandage on my sensible skin she should have put any cream on that baby and there it was he told his mind as the mother to the I want that I want massage I worked with another kid who had migraines at six very unusual as if the migraine was your friend I know that's crazy isn't it but he wanted to help you went well when I get migraines mummy and daddy stop shouting they turn off the light and we sit in the dark until it goes away so he'd obviously said to his mind I wish I could stop my parents fighting and the mind goes let me come up with a solution it may be crazy it may be harmful but the mind doesn't do just let me have a solution it doesn't think is it good bad helpful unhelpful beneficial it's just a solution so children tag on to these painful issues of painful experiences and you can change it by getting rid of the tagging it'll always be this way it will never change it'll be like this for the rest of my life you can help them incredibly and I'm talking about different adults coming to my office and go look I know I'm a millionaire but I can't spend money I'm so worried it's going to run out because when they're a kid they couldn't spend money they didn't have it so people hold on to this stuff so I think we're just about out of time but since we're talking about I'm going to tell you a very funny thing that happened to me so I work with a lot of children and there's nothing better one little kid said to me Marissa you are the magic person and you stop me wetting the bed because you did Magic but all I did was tell her that when her tummy was full of wee-wee can't say bladder that this magic Barbie light went up to her brain and she woke up and she sat up and she ran to the bathroom and then the next day she called her grandmother and her grandmother and dry and then she went to sleepovers I excited Her Imagination I did it several times in 20 minutes that kid never wet the bed again and she said you did Magic with me then I worked with another kid who said Marissa you're so cool we do magic then I worked with a big Hulk again he went you're the bollocks and I thought isn't that interesting that the words for a man's genitals a massive compliment for women it's a massive insult so there's your language patterns being the bollocks is a huge compliment and being the female equivalent is a huge insult so you have to make of words what you want to make of words but if you use powerful words you'll have a powerful life if you understand the rules of the mind and put them into practice you will be running the ship your your mind is like a Ferrari and you're like a driver trying to run that Ferrari the subconscious is the Ferrari the conscious as the drivers I don't even know how to run this but if you learn you can handle a Ferrari think of your mind like a Ferrari and think of you like a hugely competent highly skilled Ferrari driver take that Ferrari where you want it to go make your life incredible jealousy is nothing new one of the Ten Commandments is about Envy and you've all heard the problem I've got the green eyed monster in England we have a funny expression called wow gel he's well gel or she's well gel which means they're extremely jealous so it's all right to feel envious I remember someone saying to me once I envy you because you have a baby but she said it with immense kindness so we've always had the sort of Envy other people to feel jealous to feel that they have more than we have that it's not fair that some people have love and wealth and looks and we don't have that but it's got somewhat out of hand because of social media everyone on social media looks amazing it's what I call being over exposed to fake images of perfection we look at someone are going to look at them they've got a perfect house a perfect life a perfect body a perfect partner perfect kids know that's not true but it appears that way and so jealousy tends to stem from comparing yourself with other people 50 years ago it was a lot easier not to know but now we are in someone's home we're in their life we're in their water we're often in their bedroom because they tell us everything so we have more material than ever before to compare ourselves with and we just feel so bad so maybe you're just about to have a baby and you're excited but your friend is a hot shot lawyer having a baby back at work in a week's got a perfect body baby is perfect and you think oh I I felt okay but I don't now we feel okay until we start to compare ourselves with other people and think they're better than me they have more than me they're more fortunate than me and then we feel jealous and then the jealousy begins to consume us until some of us start checking our partner's phone looking at other people's Facebook profiles and jealousy is not at all confined to your intimate relationship I'm jealous of my partner people find them attractive they come onto them I think my partner is cheating my partners looking at these gorgeous women or men who are better than me that's bad enough but then we become jealous of our sister my sister's always been the favorite she can do no wrong you know I work really hard and my parents give her money that they don't give me because she's feckless I'm jealous of someone at work who gets more praise than me who's the boss's favorite but when we peel back jealousy what is it really all about it's about you comparing yourself and believing that someone else is better than you jealousy feeds right into feelings of I am not enough I'm not good enough I'm not smart enough I'm not attractive enough you know many many years ago as a single parent and I had a neighbor who lived in my street and she was a model and she had a perfect husband he worshiped her she looked amazing she had a perfect little girl who was friends with my little girl she'd always say to me you know why is your little girl so bad and I said hey my daughter's not bad she's actually what's called age appropriate you know we're out in the park and you shout your little girl stop and she stops and my little girl keeps going and I have to shout stop three times because she's not a dog she doesn't come to heal she's a normal child but I always felt a little bit inadequate around her she was beautiful she had a perfect house she had a full-time Nanny and this perfect child who turned out to have some issues later she was very very introverted and then her husband left her and then she got very fat and I'm not saying that to Globe but I remember 10 years later she wrote to me and said hey you know your life is amazing I I envy you and I thought isn't that funny I allowed myself to feel inferior next to her because she had a perfect picture book life her life was like an advert everything was perfect but underneath it wasn't perfect and there was I in the background single mother child that wasn't perfectly behaved and yet somehow she managed to Envy me when I was a single parent mothers at my daughters would say well you're so lucky not having a husband I have to go home every night and make dinner and do the laundry isn't that funny they Envy me I might have envied them wow you got this perfect family life the husband the car the job someone else helping with the bills and I don't have that it's very easy to look at something you have a perfect life but you have no idea what is going on in someone's life you know many years ago this stunningly beautiful Asian woman stepped into my office dressed head to toe in Couture she was breath into it and my first look was oh I want to be you I want to look like you and dress like you doesn't mean I don't love being me and we sat down and she began to tell me her problem that she drank every day and she had to stop and so I hypnotized to stop drinking and she came back and said actually I've got a bigger problem now you know I'm married to someone I don't love it was an arranged marriage he's very nice he's immensely kind that's the problem he's a nice guy and when he touches me I want to die because I'm not attracted to him I was made to marry him and I can't leave him because in my culture if I leave he will get custody of our children so I have to stay in this marriage for another 20 years and the only way I can handle his touch is to drink and I remember thinking wow I feel ashamed of myself I envied her she's immensely wealthy beautiful Immaculate stunning actor and video anymore I'm free to do whatever I like to be with the person I want to be with and to leave if I want to and to still keep my children so it's very easy to look at someone's life to see the exterior they're beautiful they're stunning they're wealthy they're talented and I'm not and I just feel inadequate in comparison so how do you stop it well you must stop comparing yourself to anyone you are unique there's no one in the world exactly like you though never again be someone exactly like you you're unique you have unique qualities you have unique gifts and while you're busy looking at someone else you don't know how unique you are I'll tell you another funny story many years ago one of my clients who's immensely wealthy invited me to a dinner party at her house and I duly turned up and my friend who's an acupuncturist also turned up and this house was just amazing I mean it was so stunning when I went home I thought Oh I thought my house was amazing but now I've seen hers it doesn't feel quite so amazing and then my friend the acupress said oh hey last night I went to that house I was so happy back at my house I loved being back at my house it's normal it's cozy it's messy it's real I couldn't bear to live in a palace like that I would hate to live like that and sometimes I go to clients who live on gated Estates with three layers of security they're living kind of mansions that are so sterile I think oh no I can't wait to come back to my normal house my normal life because I don't envy that so you must look at first of all what are you envious of is it someone's life is it their body is it their children is it what you think they have and remember that all that glistens is not gold it may appear perfect but it's no more perfect than your life you see things don't make you happy a beautiful home a beautiful body a beautiful wardrobe someone making your juices that does not make you happy what makes you happy are your relationships with people that is the thing guaranteed to give you Joy a real person you're having a real relationship with and I do remember years ago being asked to visit a very very famous movie star in her Hollywood mansion and I went along and I went through the three layers of security finally got to her house she had a butler and made someone doing her laundry and I've never met anyone quite as lonely as this woman her husband had left her her children were grown up and she didn't do anything she didn't have to shop she didn't have to go to the dry cleaners I thought wow she is more worse off than someone who worked in a bar and would go out at night with their friend someone who worked in a store or an office went out every Friday night with the girls or with the other members of Staff because she was disconnected her immense wealth harriments privilege made her so lonely I think she's the loneliest person I've ever met but I couldn't say to her hey you need to go out because she had staff to do everything but no love in her life and I didn't ever Envy her in fact I felt immensely sorry for her and we're always looking at magazines about the latest celebrity whose relationship has gone wrong when they're supposed to happen we look at the Kardashians and think but that isn't real that's not real it's fake so over expose you to fake images of perfection can make you feel inadequate because you're beginning the comparison here am I I've got a home got a job got a body got a partner got a kid but they've got a better body a better home a better partner better behaved children so you're allowing yourself to believe something that is not true you have no idea what is going on stop comparing and look at what you have if you have love in your life you are already immensely fortunate if you have a home you're fortunate if you have money to pay your bills and put food on the table you are fortunate someone on the other side of the Lord is envying you because it's all relative when I go to Zimbabwe I feel immensely privileged because I have a home I have money I can buy whatever food I want and a lot of the people I meet there really can't so it really helps to go wow well I'm then being someone who's up here someone down here is envying me there is only one antidote for envy and jealousy and that is to stop comparing yourself yes that person looks perfect but who knows what is really going on I'm me I'm happy I'm enough I am enough I accept myself for being enough I know I'm enough I'm worthy enough lovable enough good enough worthy enough just the way I am stops you feeling Envy and when you look at someone else remember you're looking at a mirage yes you're looking at Jennifer Anderson with a shiny glossy hair and a wonderful life but both of her marriages have failed that's not her fault that doesn't make her less of a person but it means that she may be envying you you with your normal life and your laundry piling up and your kids smearing peanut butter all over the sofa she may think oh that life you don't know who's envying you while you are envying them but Envy is a green-eyed monster while you're busy comparing yourself you are diminishing yourself you're putting yourself down and the best way to stop being envious is this every day wake up and think about what you are grateful for gratitude is the highest frequency you can resonate at and when you say I'm so grateful I'm here I'm grateful I'm healthy I'm grateful I've got a great job I'm grateful I have love gratitude is amazing so when I went to this millionaires amazing house I came home and I thought oh my house looks really average now but a few months later I took my daughter to feed homeless people in London who were sleeping under bridges when I came home I thought wow I feel like I live in a palace I've got a bed I've got sheets I've got heating I've got a fridge full of food how lucky am I so start off from gratitude every day think about what am I grateful for I'm grateful I have kids that leave don't put the lids on things I go to pick up a jar and it smashes I'm grateful I have kids I'm grateful I have a partner who leaves their underwear on the floor I'm grateful I have a home where something is broken and it may sound very very Pollyanna but you see whatever you focus on you get more of when you're focusing on gratitude I'm grateful I'm lucky you cannot focus on well they're better than me they've got more than me I want what they have and I can never get it the Mind cannot hold conflicting beliefs ever it's a rule of the mind it cannot hold conflicting beliefs therefore if you're focusing on what you have and how wonderful it is you have love you have warmth you have real friends you have people that want to be with you as you focus on that you cannot focus on what you haven't got so focus on what you've got be grave of what you've got remember you're unique there's no one like you there never has been before and there never will be again and you can't compare yourself at a wedding I was at once I had a rather overweight cousin who was marrying a very skinny guy and my grandmother said well she's found her lid everyone has their lid you are someone's lid you are someone's fantasy dream come true as a partner as a friend as a parent as a colleague you are someone's fantasy someone somewhere thinks you are the best thing in the whole world see yourself Through The Eyes of your children or your parents or your friends or your partner stop comparing yourself be grateful remember we are all flawed people having flawed relationships with flawed people that is the best you can ever be and when you go well this is great that's good you mean I can be flawed I don't have to be perfect yes being perfect is the race you enter with no Finishing Line ever as you get near to it it moves and it moves again and I can tell you now that skipping a Beat in 33 years my clients are the most unhappy were always the ones who try to be perfect they were also the loneliest because people don't like that they like warm real people with flaws just like you just like me be yourself be the best you can be no comparing no Envy you are someone's fantasy when you know that changes everything check out my next video here go back and think of all the things you heard about money that were wrong a fool and his money is easily upon that was my father's favorite expression followed by you paid that for that they must have seen you coming and I said but Dad that gave me pleasure it was worth every penny

Channel: Marisa Peer

Views: 53,315

Keywords: hypnosis, hypnotherapist, marisa peer hypnosis, marisa peer, rtt hypnotherapy, marisa peer I am enough, personal development, mind valley talks, mind valley marisa peer, mindvalley, marisa peer interview, marisa peer speech, self help, self improvement, self development, inspiration, motivation, marisa peer healing, marisa peer anxiety, motivational video, inspirational video

Id: RBUvy8Ulw4Q

Length: 98min 0sec (5880 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 25 2022