Divorce Attorney On How To Know If He's Relationship Material Or Not| Faith Jenkins

when I met Kenny and we we dated for six months before we got engaged I just gone through a breakup the year prior to meeting him it's easy to talk about you know the best is yet to come when you're not going through anything or dreaming big about the future but when you're going through a breakup and you're going through that pain and that hurt I made a decision and I said I've learned all of these lessons this is the time that I will apply it to my life because this is really important now and so I took out a sheet of paper and I just wrote down what I wanted to see happen in my love life within the next year I was always really good about doing that in my career but I've never really done it in my personal life so I took out a sheet of paper and I said within the next year I'm going to meet my husband and I wrote about the things that I would be attracted to in him what kind of person he would be and I took that sheet of paper and I put it in my nightstand and I looked at it every day now I wasn't out you know walking the streets every day looking for and saying is that him you know I wasn't doing that but I expected that that would happen and the second thing I did is I released that prior relationship I didn't fight for it I didn't hang on to it I decided I will radically accept that this relationship is coming to an end and there's a reason for it coming to an end I didn't I was in pain I was hurt about it but I wasn't going to suffer through it like I did in the past and I said I'm gonna let this go and I'm going to open myself up to meet my husband the love of my life and six months later I was out taking voice lessons again you know I used to say years ago and I was thinking what what can I do what do I like to do what are some of the things that I really love doing I thought I want to sing I want to go out and take some voice lessons again and so in the midst of doing that I met with someone who works in music my husband is a professional singer I met with someone who works in music we're just having lunch one day I was not thinking this is the day that someone's going to introduce me to the man I marry I was just doing the things that I loved and going through life and I met with a music producer and he said in that moment that he sat down with me he knew that he wanted to introduce me to Kenny and when he talks about the story he said he went home to his wife that day and he said to her I met someone who I want to introduce to Kenny but I'm a little hesitant because I don't know her that well just in a professional setting but he was really good friends with Kenny had known him for 15 years and she said well what do you think what do you feel and he said I think they're perfect for each other and they should meet and so he orchestrated us meeting and so six months after I wrote that note that I was going to meet my husband I went and had lunch with the man that I would marry a year later I love that story so much what do you think writing that down actually does I became honest with myself about what I really wanted and I also had a very honest conversation with god in that moment about what I really wanted and writing it down for me made it more real right for me and uh it was really important for me to have the courage to be able to do that because I think for so long I was fearful that I would get my hopes up about love again and it I will be disappointed yet again and I realized something really important at that time in my life I could not be a cynic about love and attracted into my life at the same time so I had to let go a lot of the things in the past that I'd gone through to be able to open myself up to love like I wanted to yeah because that's so powerful because you know just as a regular person who may have gone through some you know bad breakups you do get cynical but for you who's had like the extreme and seen like the horrors that really you know a a bad relationship can lead to um the fact that you're not cynical and that you're not sitting there with your husband with your little notepad like waiting like ah I'm watching like just drop the ball once I've got my eye on you right because you're so worried that your relationship could turn into something bad um what are the things that you're actually doing in order for you to make sure that you you're not cynical because that's the one thing so I've been married for 20 years and about sort of a 20 year wedding anniversary congratulations and thank you and I have said you know we've got our non-negotiables in our relationship and we've made them very clear from day one you can't hit me or cheat on me those two things I'm out the door there's no discussion there's no explanation I'm literally packing my bags and I'm out the door we've both we've made it very clear but then thinking about if he did but I can't control him like I like to think I've got a stable marriage and I do everything but there's there's no being able to control someone else and I think about if he cheated on me I've had 20 years of faith in believing him and his word and all the flags and I don't see any red flags I don't know how I would believe in love again after that and I I tell him that very honestly I'm like I have no idea how to believe in love again or trust love because trust myself to be able to trust someone that says they wouldn't do it yes so I can only imagine people who have been in relationships where they feel the way that I felt yeah and they have had someone betray them how have you been able to say so positive in the relationships and love in marriage in respect and all of that how are you able to do that what you describe is so real because that's what happens over time when you've been through betrayal and heartbreak and you've had your the trust has been broken and I go through all these stories in the book Because I had all of these dating experiences and it but at some point it's a journey I don't think you could just wake up one day and say you know what I had all these experience but today I'm going to be healed and whole and walk out and attract the love of my dreams it is a journey it is a process it is a daily process when you've been broken by someone who promised to love you forever and at some point though it is a decision that you will not live your life based on fear because what it really is is a fear of getting hurt again and a fear of being heartbroken again and I went through that and I really had to ask myself who do I want my husband to meet do I want him to meet a faith that's been battered and bruised and broken in the past or do I want him to meet someone who's gone through this healing journey and this healing process still going through it because we all are as we go through life and I decided that I wanted him to meet the latter second thing is I realized that that fear wasn't serving me what it really was doing was poisoning my perspective and I didn't want someone new in my life to pay the price for something they had nothing to do with in my past when you go through heartbreak and someone has betrayed you it takes time to heal from that so I took time in between some of my relationships to get past it to work through it and to do all those things and you think in your mind at the time I'm never going to be able to trust I'm never going to be able to love again because you you someone has broken your core one of your core values and that is the loyalty but you will you will when you make a decision that you will do the work to work through it and get past it you cannot control what other people do you can only control how you respond to it I love that so much so when you're in a if people find themselves in a toxic relationship what do you find the thing that holds people um that keeps people there there's there's so many things but I I find that over time there's an element of control that has been exerted in their lives if we if you look at the uh the show that I'm doing now in the cases that we have on the show there's a common element in theme throughout their relationships and I think that it's a level of control and seeing that so early on and then people thinking that it is a form of love unfortunately because oh he cares so much that's why he's calling me five times a day to see where I am it takes strength and a lot of self-reflection and inner reflection to realize when you're in something that is not healthy for you and a lot of times when we have friends and family who recognize things and they say things to us it's not people who are just trying to rain on our happy parade of Love there they can see things on the outside that you can't sometimes and so you know taking a step back and listening and observing and then asking yourself what do you really want their relationship to look like in your life it's really important to have some element of Independence even when you're in a relationship because you never want to feel like you're staying because you have to yeah not because you want to yeah how many people do you think do that state because they feel like they have to especially if you've got kids and um it's hard it's it's hard it's really challenging I and I can't when people ask me is it time for me to get a divorce right yeah I bet you get asked that all the time if you're asking me that question you already know the answer and and so I'm not going to get I'm not going to tell you oh yes it's time absent you know there's some of course some situations where I talk about get out immediately when it's forms of abuse and I see it and you're telling me about it absolutely but the other decisions that you're making when relationships are growing apart and all these other things it's a very deeply personal decision and I have friends who have gone through divorce and it took them years to get there because of all of the other issues that they were having to Grapple with what this would really mean and how it would affect so many lives but I will tell you most of them tell me that it took me years to get there but it was something that I probably should have done sooner so that's their lives like what is that is that I mean obviously I think it's denial right people don't want to admit that maybe the relationship is going the wrong way so they stay with it right so it's like I can there's like elements that I can understand why people stay in that relationship um but like what is that thing of like how do you try and help people like to eliminate those years where they they knew it I mean literally they knew this relationship isn't going to work but then they stay for the greater good or the kids for the greater good of the family for the you know for the good of um even their partner who isn't making them happy and do you think that it's just inevitable and they have to come to that conclusion by themselves they really do and it's a choice you pay now or you pay later some people are not willing to pay now so they they pay later and sometimes when the relationship issues they come in Peaks and valleys so when the good times are good they hang on to them when the bad times are bad they're hoping that they will go back to the good and but again it goes back to are you really committed to the same commitment and are you working towards that commitment together I have another friend actually who's waiting I went to he was only married for a year I went to the wedding and I talked to him about this and I interviewed him for my book because I wanted to know the opposite of that as well there are people who remain in relationships far longer and I always say there's only one thing worse than being in a bad relationship that's overextending your stay in one and then his story and I interviewed her him for the book because I wanted to know what made you make the decision so early on in your marriage and he said that what I've heard many times people will often tell you they never wish they moved faster when they come in no one ever comes in to say wow I wish we would have moved faster they always wish that they would have taken more time and they would have gotten to know the other person more because he said what happened is when they got married he realized that there were all of these things that he had really turned a blind eye to hoping that they would get better after the wedding and they didn't they got worse and I tell people a wedding does not change anything maybe your last name but it won't change anything else about someone they will break the bank but it doesn't break bad habits so if someone has those bad habits prior to the wedding nothing about being at that altar being in a dress being in a tux is going to change any of that click here now to learn the red flags you should never ignore in a partner I'd love to talk about a couple of the signs of when the guy is just blatantly only in it for sex and we may not see the signs okay so as always the quick disclaimer like you know there's always going to be acceptance of the rule

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 17,774

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: TjRQDDoXn2Y

Length: 14min 9sec (849 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 04 2023