A while back my mom got very ill; a nagging cough, chronic fatigue and shortness of breath. I took her to the doctor where he diagnosed her as having bronchitis. "Antibiotics will clear this up in no time," he said. So, my mom went home and faithfully took her medicine. But she didn't get better. She got worse. Now, wheezing, she went back to the doctor to find out why the medicine wasn't working. And the doctor said, "Wow. You've now got some asthma on top of the bronchitis. Hey, I'll give you a stronger antibiotic and I'll add this inhaler to help with that wheeze and you'll be better in no time." But, another few weeks went by and my mom didn't feel better. She continued to feel worse...sicker and sicker, barely being able to breathe. One morning she dialed 911 and landed in the intensive care where she received the grim news she didn't have bronchitis after all. She had lung cancer. In the same way, if your marriage is getting sicker and sicker, despite numerous attempts at treatment plans from biblical counselors, Christian therapists and marriage intensives, perhaps it's time for a different diagnosis. Your marriage may be sicker than you thought. One of the hardest things for people helpers to discern, including a lot of counselors, is the difference between a difficult marriage, a disappointing marriage, and a destructive marriage. So, just like bronchitis and lung cancer share certain symptoms; for example, they both have nagging coughs, both have chronic fatigue, and they both have shortness of breath, they are not the same disease and antibiotics, although wonderful treatment for bronchitis, is totally impotent against lung cancer. Marriage problems do share certain similar characteristics but there's a huge difference between a marriage that has lung cancer and a marriage that has bronchitis. And, what works for a difficult marriage or a disappointing marriage will be totally ineffective in a destructive marriage. Sadly, most counselors apply the treatment plan that works for difficult marriages or disappointing ones. But those treatment plans, like antibiotics, will not work for
a marriage that's destructive. So, what I want to do is define for you what the difference is between a difficult marriage, a disappointing marriage and a destructive marriage. So, first, a difficult marriage is one and where there's a lot of external stressors that bear upon the couple. It could be frequent job changes, unemployment, special needs child, blended family, in-law difficulties, military deployment, or even strong personality differences, where one is more of an introvert and prefers staying home and the other is a strong extrovert and loves company and parties and may feel a little bored and lonely without extra people around. Yet, when these individuals in a difficult marriage are mature and handle those difficulties in a healthy and godly way, difficult is difficult. It's not destructive. It actually can be something that pulls them closer together, strengthens them, and builds a greater sense of we-ness and resilience, as well as maturity in their marriage. However, when couples don't handle their difficulties well, then their marriage can slide into destructive elements because of the constant criticism, withdrawal, refusal to deal with things, avoidance, or aggression toward one another that starts to degrade the marriage relationship. Paul reminds us in Galatians 5, "Stop biting and devouring one another. lest you be destroyed by one another." Now, a disappointing marriage happens when you realize that the man or the woman that you're married to is not the perfect person you thought they were when you were dating them. Now you see and experience some of their weak side or their immaturities, their sins and maybe even personality differences that seemed attractive when dating but now are disappointing or even irritating. As I say to couples when I used to do premarital counseling with them, "no one gets all 52 cards in the deck." None of us is perfect. All of us are sinners and we're all flawed, imperfect human beings. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses and it's a good idea to have some clarity about those weaknesses and deficits before you marry someone. But, inevitably, there are gonna be a few surprises. I remember working with a woman who loved that her fiance was a "Steady Eddie." She grew up in a family with tons of volatility, uncertainty, and abandonment and John was as calm and predictable as an old grandfather clock. Yet, after a few years of marriage, she began to find John rather boring. He was too predictable, too steady. She wanted more spontaneity, adventure, and fun in their marriage and John didn't do that naturally. And Sally felt really disappointed. And much of the longevity of their relationship will depend on how Sally deals with her disappointment with John. Does she come to love and value and accept the man God created John to be, even though he's not as adventurous as she'd like? Can she appreciate his strength without a judgmental or critical spirit? You see, in Sally's disappointment, she
may choose to act out in criticism, being mean, or even have an affair. She might choose to demean John, picking on his lack of adventure or stodginess, which she now finds rather boring. Perhaps your spouse isn't as handy as you wished he was or as driven or as ambitious. Maybe you've discovered that he's not romantic or a guy who thoughtfully picks out a great gift or you at Christmastime or Valentine's Day. He's honest, he's faithful, he's been a good provider, but he falls short because he doesn't really want to have a deep conversation or read a book together and study that. He's disappointing. He's not gonna be your everything, which is actually a good thing for you because God doesn't want your spouse to be your everything. That would be idolatry. So, learning to live with an imperfect human being in a gracious, loving way is the task of maturity and success in any long-term marriage. But, let's move into an emotionally
destructive marriage because that marriage goes way beyond disappointing or difficult. An emotionally destructive marriage is soul destroying. It is one in which your very personhood, your dignity, your freedom of choice is regularly denied, demeaned, devalued, criticized or crushed. And this can be done in numerous ways. Usually, it's done through words but it also can be expressed in behaviors that are demeaning and degrading. It can be done by not sharing decision-making power in a marriage. It's one in which one person in the marriage has all the rights and privileges and the other - usually the female - is demoted to the status of a slave or a child. It can be done through controlling all access to money where you feel like you have no say or no vote and it can also be done through
misusing and manipulating the Scriptures in a way that makes you regularly feel small and guilty, ashamed less-than, powerless, helpless, and totally under the authority and control of another fallible human being. An emotionally destructive marriage systematically degrades, diminishes and can eventually destroy the personhood of the other. If this is you and your marriage, understand that the typical treatment plans that marriage counselors provide will not work with a destructive marriage. You need far more potent medicine. You see, abuse, in any form, is not a marriage problem. Yes, it causes marriage problems, for sure. But, first and foremost, the one who's been abusive must take responsibility for that behavior and get his or her own help for understanding those attitudes, those mindsets, and those behaviors that make them feel entitled to treat
a spouse in such a degrading and demeaning way. Without that happening first there is no
genuine repairing of that relationship.
