Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Interpersonal effectiveness

this episode was pre-recorded  as part of a live continuing   education webinar on demand CEUs are  still available for this presentation   through all CEUs register at all  CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox I'd like to welcome everybody to today's  presentation dialectical behavior therapy   skills interpersonal effectiveness now if you've  been with us over the past week or so you'll   know that we've been talking about dialectical  behavior therapy techniques first we started out   with emotion regulation and that's really talking  about preventing vulnerabilities so you're not   as reactive and developing an awareness of what  triggers your emotional emotionality the second   step we talked about was distress tolerance and  that's helping the patient move from okay I know   what I'm feeling I've tried to do everything to  prevent it but life threw me lemons what do I   do with it and distress tolerance helps our  clients develop tools so they can withstand   unpleasant emotions unpleasant urges when life  throws them lemons instead of having to act on   those impulsive urges so they can work more  towards their value goals and objectives the   next step which I call kind of problem solving  is called interpersonal effectiveness and this   is really broad but basically what we're talking  about is helping people figure out once they   know what triggers their emotions and they've  done everything they can can make themselves as   unreactive as possible if you will that tolerated  the distress when something bad has happened then   they've got to unhook from their emotions and  figure out how to solve the problem in the moment   they're feeling an unpleasant emotion they're  having unpleasant thoughts feeling unpleasant   urges and that's accepting what that is in the  moment is just how it's going to be but you don't   have to stay stuck in the moment you can figure  out okay in the next moment in the next moment   what do I want to do do I want to stay stuck here  or what actions could I take in order to improve   the moment so interpersonal effectiveness  is really where we're going to focus today   and there are so many tools that you can use for  interpersonal effectiveness and in this hour we're   really just going to hit on the beginning basic  tools and give you an idea and upcoming webinars   that I've got planned we're going to be going  more in depth into each of these skills so in   addition to defining interpersonal effectiveness  we're going to identify barriers to people being   interpersonally effective will examine the goals  of interpersonal effectiveness ultimately what   are we trying to help patients accomplish  and we'll review techniques for improving   interpersonal effectiveness so now we know what  it is we know why we want to do it what exactly   are the techniques we can provide our clients in  order to help them become more interpersonally   effective interpersonal effectiveness is the  ability to ask for what you want and say no to   unwanted requests now when you first hear that  you think well that's that's a cinch we all do   that and in reality no we don't there's a lot of  people who are not able to effectively ask for   what they want either because they're afraid of  rejection or you know some other reasons but what   they don't know what they want or they're unable  to say no to unwanted request and that inability   to set boundaries or maintain boundaries poses a  problem so they feel like they are taken advantage   of they feel like nobody cares about them so  we're going to talk about that the goals of   interpersonal effectiveness are to get others to  do things you want them to do now obviously we're   not talking about total manipulation but if you  want someone to maybe call before they come over   to your house that's a reasonable request so we'll  talk about balancing reasonable and unreasonable   we want to help clients get others to take them  seriously a lot of times clients with emotional   dysregulation are seen as drama queens or drama  kings and climb their friends their social   supports don't take them seriously when and they  say that they're struggling when I say that they   need help or they don't take them seriously about  their perception of things so we want to help them   figure out how to effectively communicate what  they're feeling what their needs are and why   we'll help them learn to effectively say no to  wanted request and you know this takes practice   strengthen their current relationships most people  have a few relationships out there that are at   least not completely damaged so let's strengthen  those let's build new relationships and that we're   going to talk about some of the challenges  there when we get to that point and hopeless   relationships which is a real struggle for a lot  of our clients create and maintain balance between   these two polar opposites between the the the  positive and the negative between the yes and the   knows there's always going to be opposites and we  need to figure out a way to walk that middle path   and balance acceptance and change we talk about  radical acceptance and just accepting things as   they are well that's true but you don't want to  stay stuck there and go well that's just the way   it is there's nothing I can do about it I might  as well just lay down no we want them to accept   that this is the way it is right now what changes  can I make in order to improve my situation in   the future so what are our barriers and I'm sure  there are others that I didn't think of lack of   effective communication skills a lot of clients  when they get emotional or even maybe when they   aren't emotional maybe they haven't developed the  skills for effectively communicating their wants   in needs in an assertive way not being passive  not expecting mind-reading or not being sort of   in-your-face so we want to help people figure  out what effective communication looks like and   and sounds like because you can say all the right  words but if your nonverbals are just screaming   get away from me then guess what's going to happen  they may have a lack of clarity about what they   want from other people I want you to make it feel  better I want you to I want you to fix it okay   well I don't know what fix it means for you you  know I know my idea of what fixing the situation   would be but that might not be what you want so  we need to help people figure out how to define   and articulate to others what is it basically you  want me to do difficulty balancing your needs the   client's needs and the needs of other people and  one of the things we're talking about here is some   if you've worked with clients who have borderline  personality disorder or emotional dysregulation   especially with self-harm there are you know there  are times where they are so overwhelmed and they   are so overwhelmed so often that they constantly  feel like they need support they feel like they   need something and they can be draining and it's  not that they're trying to be training it's that   they feel like they are getting sucked under by  a rip currents they're not floating out there   they're not treading water they're getting sucked  under so we want to help them figure out what are   their needs and obviously the emotion regulation  and distress tolerance will help them not feel   like they need as much their emotions get in the  way they feel sad they feel guilty they feel angry   we talked before about the fact that when people  with emotional dysregulation get upset and I'm   just going to use that junk term upset they  also may feel angry at themselves for doing   it again and getting over upset again or feel  guilty for you know freaking out and stressing   people out again so their emotions get in the  way and they have this whole jumble of negative   emotions they're trying to deal with which keeps  them from an effectively solving problems thinking   clearly and communicating their needs sacrificing  long-term goals for short-term relief this hurts   it's got to go away now and I get that however is  that true does it have to go away now what would   happen if it didn't if you sat with it for five  minutes or 15 minutes talking about the the ways   how things come in urgent and feelings can come in  they rise they crest and then they go back out so   we want to encourage clients to start working  towards empowering themselves to surf those   urges other people get in your way criticizing  complaining or enabling thinking other people are   more powerful than you feeling very disempowered  to do anything can keep a lot of our clients from   being effective and our personally because they  are timid they're afraid to assert what they   need or certain or wants order thoughts a need  for external validation also gets in the way   of interpersonal effectiveness if every thought  you express if everything you say you first run   through your mind with is this person going to  be mad if I say this will this person reject me   if I say this when our clients self-worth and  existence depends on external validation when   they don't have enough self-esteem to validate  themselves they're going to have a hard time   being effective interpersonally because they're  going to be so afraid of rocking the boat and   finally beliefs that you don't deserve what you  want a lot of our clients don't think are good   enough they don't think they deserve to be happy  they don't think they deserve to have someone help   them which keeps them from asking for assistance  which keeps them from asking for other things so   techniques the first thing let's clarify the  priorities how important is getting what you   want in this particular situation first what  is it exactly do you want you know you want to   feel better okay I understand that now feel better  is one of those terms when my son gets sick I'll   bless his heart if he gets a runny nose the world  is coming to an end he's a teenager so it I guess   it kind of goes with the territory but when he  wants to feel better and he doesn't care about   much of than any other symptom he just wants his  nose to stop running so feeling better has to be   defined by the person what is it specifically  that needs to change to you feel better and   how can I help you with this so if he comes to me  and he tells me you know I feel like crap and you   know what what can I do to feel better if there  anything I can take so I feel better I've got to   go through this long questioning about well tell  me what your symptoms are that you need to address   are we talking pain you know then we'll look at  tylenol and ibuprofen are we talking fever are   we upset stomach give me an idea about what needs  to be fixed and then I can figure out which tools   to use which takes us to fix it you know this  is wrong whatever I got this letter in the mail   and I'm in a tizzy and I can't think straight  so I need you to fix it okay if you want me to   fix it what outcome are you looking for so so I  know what what goal what direction I'm looking   looking forward to sometimes our clients remember  we talked about external validation are so afraid   of abandonment they just want reassurance that  you're not going to leave and every time you   get a little twinge of disapproval or questioning  it sends them into a panic because they're afraid   that you're going to abandon them so they want  to know you'll never leave well okay you know I   can't guarantee that I'm never going to leave  but you know we die we move things happen but   what is it I can do to help you feel more secure  in the moment how is it that I can help you feel   secure that I'm here for you right now and then  obviously working on other things that's that   last one is kind of a big therapeutic issue that  you're not going to solve in two sentences keeping   the relationship how important is getting what you  want in with respect to keeping the relationship   if you have to choose between getting your  own way or keeping their relationship which   one's more important and you know you're going to  find that sometimes getting what you want Trump's   keeping the relationship and that's okay but the  person has to clarify that in their mind and say   alright if this person maybe Sally gets a job  offer across the country and she's been dating   Sam for 15 months and she says I got this job  offer it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing I really   need to take it and I want you to come with me  if Sam says no what does she do what are her   priorities does she pass up on the job offer in  order to stay with Sam or does she say well you   know you can come visit it's going to be fun and  move so that's one of those common situations that   may happen but helping people figure out where  are your priorities and how does this particular   situation fit in with your main values right now  and how important is getting what you want with   regard to maintaining yourself self-respect if  you get what you want will it help you maintain   your self-respect if you don't get what you want  how is that going to affect your self-respect and   why you know let's take a look at if you don't get  what you want is it going to be somehow hurtful to   your self-respect and we have to have clients  figure out what that means what is their self   esteem based on and why would this hurt their  self-respect because there are some times that   something comes along and it is important for  their own self-worth to achieve this goal or   to do this thing or to have whatever it is and  that's okay maybe they're in a relationship and   one partner wants to have their own bank accounts  so they can control their own finances and that is   really important to them for feeling empowered  and maintaining their self-respect so now we're   on the scale of willing to fight for this and  importance would that be to that person dear   man and obviously here is the only one on this  page because I didn't have a room for the whole   acronym describe in specific objective terms what  the problem is and what your hoped for resolution   is I can hear what the problem is and still not  know where to go from there so tell me what is   it you're seeing is the problem and how can I help  express feelings and opinions using I statements   instead of you made me or you always say I feel  like and you know that's something we've been   working with our clients on since we probably  got out of graduate school but it's important to   remind people to express feelings and opinions  with those I statements so the other person   doesn't feel as attacked assert by asking for  what you want and don't expect mind-reading if   you walk in and you go this house is a pigsty  and you sit down and nobody gets up and starts   cleaning and then you get upset you want to look  at what what happened there assertiveness would be   coming in going yeah it doesn't look like anybody  did their chores today I need everybody to get up   and finish doing their chores before supper now  that's asking for what you want instead of making   a passive-aggressive statement and expecting  mind-reading expecting people to know what   you want them to do reinforced by explaining the  benefits to the other person ahead of time and I   love this one if Sam gets home late and you know  late for dinner didn't call and Sally got into a   complete you know whirlwind of stress because she  didn't know what happened and he hadn't called   and dinner was ready and then dinner was burnt  and you know obviously you can just everything   is spiraling out of control if she starts the  conversation with the I statement saying I get   really stressed when I don't hear from you I would  appreciate it if you would call when you're going   to be late that would help me be less stressed  and our evening would go a lot better well if Sam   here says win-win in there he's going to go okay  well I think I can probably pull out my cell phone   and make a call because this right here is really  unpleasant so presenting the win/win making sure   that the other person knows there's a benefit  to them to adhering to your request mindfulness   stay focused on your goal when you start having  a discussion with someone about something if you   want them to change their behavior or you want to  get something or whatever to stay focused on what   your goal is and ignore diversion techniques such  as blaming well you always do this this and if you   didn't do this and I wouldn't be late you know  if you didn't call me six times during the day   at work then I get done on time and I wouldn't be  late so it's your fault that I'm late we want to   ignore that magnification using words like always  never justification for why they were you know why   Sam didn't call you know he knew he was running  late and justifying it by saying you know we'll   you know that traffic is bad at this time of day  and you shouldn't be getting all this upset or   just switching topics and talking about well  you know three weeks ago you were late coming   home from shopping and you didn't call we're  not talking about what I did three weeks ago   we're talking about my request for you to call  if you're going to be late coming home so I don't   get stressed so helping clients stay mindful and  not get distracted a lot of our clients are inter   relationships with people who've learned that  some of these techniques blaming justification   and switching topics are often effective at  defusing the situation because it takes the   client takes our clients off topic and then all  of a sudden you know that they're not as angry   anymore they can't figure out why but the problem  hasn't been solved my favorite boss loved them to   death worked for him for 14 years I would go into  his office and I would be hot about something and   you know I worked for him for 14 years so he could  kind of see it on my face and I'd walk in there   and I'd be like Richard we need to talk and he'd  be like okay so I sit down and I tell him what   was wrong and I would tell him what needed to  happen and you know because you always with him   you always went in with a at least one proposed  solution and we talked for a little while and I   walk out and then I get about halfway down the  hall and I'd stop every time I'd get halfway   down the hall and I'd stop and I'd be like wait a  minute wait a minute wait a minute nothing changed   all he did was validate how I was feeling and I  felt better and I walked out and I still didn't   have a proper solution and I'd walked back in  there and I'd be like you did it to me again and   he just kind of laughed and he'd be like yeah  I did there's nothing we can do about it right   now ok but helping clients understand that this  is a technique that our significant others have   learned to defuse situations now we don't want to  keep reinforcing it so come back help them figure   out how to stay calm and stay focused on their  goal so ok we can table that discussion about   how Sally didn't call when she was going to be  late coming home from shopping we'll talk about   that in a few minutes right now I really need to  know that you're going to call if you're going   to be late coming home from for dinner because I  know there's a lot of traffic and I get stressed   and worried about you and then you know it ends  up ruining the entire evening appear confident   and verbal and nonverbal behavior not looking at  the ground not wringing your hands well if you   don't mind up your confidence this is what I need  and when clients have learned to tolerate their   distress and deescalate themselves regulate their  emotions a little bit by the time they get to this   interpersonal effectiveness and problem-solving  they're not freaking out they're like ok then   take a breath and we need to talk about something  so they can be confident they are not feeling out   of control and encourage them to focus on how  much power they have and how empowering it is   to be able to down regulate their emotions and  approach this in a confident manner remind them   that confidence comes through in verbals as well  as nonverbal so not screaming not talking really   really fast because if I say it really really  fast and maybe you won't get mad no talk in a   normal tone if they start getting excited or wound  up taking a breath and and kind of scaling it back   a bit and paying attention to their to their  hands to their shoulders and to eye contact so   you're not going to always get what you want so  you can negotiate you can offer and ask for other   solutions you can compromise and you can say  you know if they're asking you to do something   you can say no but offer alternatives there are  ways to solve problems and most of the time when   two people have a disagreement or if there's a  problem you know you're not always going to arrive   at the best solution with the first thing that's  proposed and that's okay so if the person says you   know that's that's not going to work for me you  may say all right I'm wondering if you have any   suggestions that might solve the problem or what  do you think might help solve this problem and we   can do that with our clients if we can model dear  man go back here in session when they come in and   they say oh I just had the worst week encourage  them to describe it in specific objective terms   and they may describe it not quite hit the mark we  can paraphrase and specific objective terms when   they start expressing their feelings generally  in therapy they're using those I statements but   if they start saying he made me blah blah blah  stopping them and say okay let's put that in an   i statement I felt laughs when he encouraged  them to practice that you know and obviously   you're going to let them know ahead of time that  this is something you're going to practice in   session so they're used to doing it when they're  not in session so they don't feel offended if you   stopped them ago okay let's go back and try to  say that again as a nice statement talk about   assertion asking for what you want you know when  we're listening to them recount their week we may   say you know I'm not hearing where you actually  directly ask for what you want wanted you know   how could you have done that so it was a little  bit more clear and you know were you expecting   mind-reading did you tell them what you needed how  did you express what the benefits were going to   be and when I first start working with clients on  interpersonal skills this is the one that probably   gets forgotten the most because it's not just not  what we're taught to do by nature is to explain   the benefits to the person of you know fulfilling  your request so what benefits would would there be   to Sam if he followed adhere to the request or  agreed to the request mindfulness okay when you   were having this discussion with Sam did you feel  like you were getting sidetracked did you feel   like he was hearing you and staying on task or was  he all over the place were you all over the place   and how could you be more mindful thinking back  you know to that situation what were your verbals   and nonverbals like were you aggressive where you  passive where you Kim 'add were you assertive what   did it look like and you know validate everything  they do right because even if there were some   there was a lot of passive stuff and a lot of  timid stuff there's probably some assertive   stuff like just even opening the conversation well  that took a lot of courage to do so let's empower   anything we can let's validate anything we can  that's positive and then okay maybe she and Sam   didn't come to a meeting of the minds on this so  how could you have negotiated in order to arrive   at a mutually agreeable alternative this happens a  lot when couples or families are trying to figure   out what they're going to do for spring break  or summer break or any kind of vacation you know   one person wants to go to Disney World the other  person wants to go hiking and somebody else wants   to go to the beach and it's like well we can't go  to all three so what how can we solve this how can   we compromise and you know sometimes you can just  say no we're not going to do that but I'm willing   to do these other three things another acronym is  give we've talked about problem-solving a little   bit clarifying what they want expressing to other  people what it is they want to need through beer   man now we've got to have those other people  around so let's keep the relationships that we   have and like I said earlier a lot of our clients  relationships are kind of tenuous because they are   are very draining at times because other people  don't understand it's not yeah gentle no attacks   threats manipulation or judging notion you should  you shouldn't know moralizing be kind when you're   talking to another person no sneering no rolling  your eyes no smirking eye rolling or name-calling   my daughter who's also a teenager said to me  one day my eyes must be the strongest muscle   on my body because I do at least 300 I roll  today I'm like yeah probably so and she was   exaggerating she's a good kid but understanding  that those nonverbals come through loud and   clear we know that 80% of our communication is  nonverbal so making sure that what you say is   as gentle as possible and the way you say it and  your nonverbals are also not attacking if you're   pointing obviously that's more attacking then I'm  wondering open hands act interested listen oh my   gosh here's there's a concept listen to what's  being said with interest pay attention to non   verbals yours in there so if they're talking and  you start getting bored and fidgeting and whatever   they're going to pick up on that pay attention to  what both of your nonverbals are saying because if   you get bored or if you start getting closed off  and hostile how's that going to affect them if   you start becoming hostile they're probably going  to respond in kind and we're going to ramp up in   negative intensity obviously there are some times  where non verbals are completely innocuous you   know you're freezing so you're standing there  like this most of the time you can tell the   difference between cold and irritated but just  be cognizant maintain eye contact it's not all   you're not going to want to stare into someone's  soul for 30 minutes you know you're going to   break eye contact here and there but if they're  talking and you're looking around and watching   the birds behind them and looking at the stuff on  the floor counting on the tiles they're going to   pick up that you're not interested so that's not  a real good way to nurture a relationship and try   to unhook from your emotions again a lot of our  clients have difficulty doing this because as   soon as they start to feel attacked or invalidated  or threatened in some way there's fight or flight   their threat response just goes through the  roof which means they quit listening they quit   paying attention and they're in preservation  mode so we want to help them try to figure   out how to unhook from their emotions in these  conversations so they're more like a scientist   who is just hearing facts hearing information  and then processing it it's difficult if you   can give them a image either of a scientist or a  computer or a fly-on-the-wall you know flies not   going to get all upset and start flying around in  circles the fly is just going to sit there and go   wow that's that person is getting really loud  so try to help them figure out how to unhook   when they're having conversations with people  so they aren't as tempted to react and act on   their urges sacrificing their long-term goals V  is for validate pay attention reflect back you   know basic Paris raising 101 so what I hear you  saying is any yeah it feels a little bit stilted   at first but eventually when people practice it  they get their own flow they get their own words   and you remember from when you started doing this  in intro to counseling and your first practicum   it felt really weird at first but then you got  your own way of paraphrasing and reflecting back   pay attention to what's not being said what is the  underlying message what are you hearing maybe the   person's telling you that you didn't call and how  rude that was what's the underlying message maybe   they felt disrespected they were scared not  expecting people to be great at this or again   be able to mind-read but paying attention and  what things are being left out understand how   the other person's reactions and thoughts make  sense based on their past and presence the way   they're acting the way they're reacting but I  learned to do that from somewhere and it was   the most rewarding choice so if they are freaking  out because you forgot to call in what way does   that make sense if they're freaking out theirs  tells you there's a fight-or-flight thing going on why are they angry or scared why do they  perceive a threat how does that make sense   in some way and you know what what's the next  logical step from there acknowledge anything is   valid if they make observations that are valid  acknowledge those and support those and show a   quality treating the other person isn't equal  not fragile incompetent or domineering you know   if you're dealing with someone who has emotional  dysregulation and and has difficulty dealing with   life on life's terms a lot you know that's okay  but know that they are strong people especially   having problems regulating their emotions making  it this far that tells me they're really strong   we just need to give them the tools to have a  happier life they're not incompetent so let's   give them empower them to take steps on their  own instead of trying to do things for them or   care take them have an easy manner last smile  you know if you're going to have just a general   conversation with someone sit down and say hey  let's let's talk about this for a second if we   need to talk when I talk to my kids sometimes we  have to have a serious discussion about something   and you know I'll sit them down and we'll have  a little talk but then I'll try to break the ice   making it appropriate joke here or there to get  them to smile and like you know it's okay it's   it's not going to be so bad if you at least  end the interaction on a higher note it helps   keep that relationship going because the person  doesn't walk out of that interaction going oh   that was so awful they're like and you know it's  unpleasant for a minute but it's all good now be fair to yourself in the other person's  validating both of your feelings I can see   how you might feel this way this is how I feel  I try to encourage clients not to use the word   but because but invalidates everything that came  before it so I see how you might feel but I don't   care it's kind of the under underlying thing this  is how I feel so figuring out a way to express   that with an and you know walking that middle path  can be helpful don't apologize for your feelings   or opinions maybe the way you present them you  might need to apologize but your your feelings   and opinions are what they are so don't apologize  for feeling you know angry about something or even   happy about something don't invalidate the valid  a lot of our clients will minimize their strengths   they'll minimize things they've done because they  don't want to be seen as bragging or domineering   or they don't want to risk rejection in any way  but we don't want them to do that we want them   to take ownership of the really good stuff they  do stick to your values if something is important   to you then that's okay it doesn't mean it has  to be important to someone else you know they're   going to stick to their values too but if it's  important to you then maintain that in the things   that you say and the things that you do and try  to embrace that value and then be truthful don't   lie exaggerate or make up excuses if you screwed  up you screwed up so you know what I'm sorry that   was my bad I won't do it again or you know try not  if you're blaming somebody for something obviously   try not to blame try to say when this happens  I feel like it's disrespectful I wish you would   instead of trying to blow it into or instead  of blowing it into something that's monumental   which is really hard because a lot of our clients  because they don't want to state their feelings   they don't want to speak up for themselves they  stuffed down this whole litany of done me wrong   and eventually whatever they say something about  it probably the straw that broke the camel's back   and then all of a sudden it's just like oh you  disrespected me in these 270 different ways over   the past 12 years and and the person is just kind  of sitting there going whoa where did that come   from so helping your clients understand that  they're emotional dysregulation can come from   and sometimes these explosions if you will can  come from stuffing stuff down for so long so   they need to become mindful of what do they have  stuff down in that closet or if you want to think   of it as a pressure cooker you know what do they  have in there if they're maintaining that pressure   cooker just at the point where the top won't blow  off they need to figure out how to let off some   of the pressure what's under there that they can  deal with and get rid of so asking for something   or saying no and Linehan proposed 10 levels I  usually just fill it I'm not usually I just fill   it down to five I find it easier for my clients to  remember sort of on the fly if it's five so level   one you ask tentatively you know would you mind  helping me move this weekend you know and take no   for an answer if the person says no it's like okay  not not a problem if they ask you to do something   and you know it's not a big deal either way you  don't really care you can agree but express your   opinions you know if you I'd rather not but  you know what I'll do it level two is asking   confidently this is something that's a little  bit more important but you're still willing to   take now I need you to help me get food from the  feed store this weekend are you going to be able   to work that into your schedule if the person says  no then I might counter with some other proposal   okay I need to get chicken feed is there a time  that you can help me or what time can you help me   this weekend or this week to get that chicken feed  if they ask you to do something and if you're not   really wanting to do it say no confidently but be  willing to reconsider you know they might go well   you know what if I made it worth your while  and then you're going to be like okay Level   3's confidently resist no this is something you  really need and you don't it's kind of important   so you're going to resist just accepting though  at face value you're going to try to negotiate a   little bit same thing if somebody asks you to do  something you really really don't want to say no   firmly and really resist saying yes it's not just  one of those things that are I sign you wore me   down you looked at me for 30 seconds level 4 you  asked firmly you insist and negotiate or you say   no firmly insist and negotiate it's like no that's  really not something I can do how about and this   would come up with substance abuse clients for  example if their friends want to if their friends   want to go to a bar that may not be a good place  for them to be and they may say you know no that's   not something I can do and I have to insist on  that I'd be happy to go to these other three   things with you and that's totally fine and then  level 5 is ask firmly and insist this is something   I really need to have done it's important and on  the saying know if it's something that's really   important to your self-esteem your long-term goals  your health your wellness you may have to say no   that's just not something I can do for example in  Tennessee marijuana is not legal I'm not willing   to be around it I will not be around it end of  story and I will insist there's no negotiation   with that one so encouraging clients to understand  where their different levels are points to   consider when deciding whether you're going to ask  for something or say no can this person deliver or   if you're going to agree to do something you  deliver or are you going to you already have   six things going on this weekend and you cannot  possibly help them move does it relate to high or   low priority goals because you know everybody  only has so much energy so is this a priority   is this something you want to ask somebody to  give you some of their energy for or is this   something you have energy to give somebody else  how important is this on an energy basis how will   it impact your self-respect to say no or to take  no for an answer what are each person's rights   and values in the situation not saying we're going  to change them but what are their rights you know   it's their right to say no okay what are their  values and you know we want to respect those in   relationships where we that we want to keep going  what's the effect of your action on your long term   goals if I say yes to this is that going to get  me closer to where I want to be and being the type   of person I want to be or is it going to keep me  right here and no movement at all which is that's   okay too or is it going to send me backwards how  much give and take is in the relationship if I'm   asking for something am I always the one that's  asking for something and I'm always taking and   not giving likewise is the other person if they're  asking me for something are they always taking and   not giving or is it more balance and give and take  have you done your homework do you know it needs   to be done and and what you want to have happen  you know if you want to have your house painted   well that's great we're having our house painted  right now but what's the homework how much time   needs to do the painters need and you know what do  you want to have accomplished during that period   of time just the walls the walls and the trim the  walls the trim of the doors yadda yadda and this   helps you plan in our particular situation they  said first it was going to be an eight-day job   and I was like yeah that sounds about right then  they came in the first day like I will have this   done in two days and I'm like you're funny and  they hadn't ordered enough paints and all kinds   of things so they didn't do their homework and  then timing sometimes the person would be more   than happy to do it but they've got something else  huge going on right now that they can't put off so   consider the timing when you're asking someone  for a favor or for whatever it is we got we have   those wonderful relationships we're talking about  how to maintain those how to ask for what we want   to make it a give-and-take even balance great but  let's also look at finding some new relationships   where do we find this finding people with similar  interests now we're going to talk in a minute   about introverts versus extroverts but introverts  tend to only have a couple of really really close   friends and being around a lot of people can be  energy draining extroverts on the other hand tend   to know like they seem like they know everybody  and being around people is recharging for them   so when we're encouraging our clients to go out  and find new relationships if we're telling an   introvert to go to parties they're just going to  look at you with these big eyes and be like oh no   no can't do that if we suggest something that's  a little smaller you know five or ten people   then that would be something completely different  encourage them to work on conversational skills   learn how to ask open-ended questions obviously  the ones that don't end with yes or no make small   talk and in order to make small talk they have  to be aware of current events and talking about   things that aren't necessarily highly emotionally  charged we practice this or I encourage clients   to practice this in the first five minutes of  group or before group starts practice making   small talk with their group mates and asking  open-ended questions just to get used to it   and when I'm in there I'm kind of getting ready  for group not to look like I'm eavesdropping as   much even though they know I am and I will comment  later privately usually to people about you know   that was a really good point you made or you  know you're really progressing on being able   to maintain conversations and keep them going find  common ground that seems calm seems reasonable ask   people about you know what are your interests what  kind of music do you like do you like to work out   what you know whatever your interests are see if  you can find something in common with them and be   fully aware of skillfully self-disclosing we've  all met people especially online but we've all   not met people who just meet you and then they say  things that are like oh wow too much information   way too much it's important to learn what's  appropriate and you know that give-and-take of   reciprocal self disclosures we talked about in you  know graduate school it's important and we're used   to it but not everybody is goes through that same  training be aware of disinhibition online though   if you meet somebody online and you're talking to  them online a lot of times people will say things   online that they wouldn't say to your face just  because they don't even think about it you know   they're not face to face so it's not nearly as  embarrassing to say something and then be like you   know oh you need to say that encourage clients to  be cognizant of what they type so introverts get I got that backwards sorry extrovert get energized  around other people are more aware of what is   going on around them so they're aware of the  environment they can draw on people's energy   they like to figure things out while they talk  so if they've got a problem they're going to   be like oh let me tell you what happened today  and I just don't know what I'm going to do and   they'll just keep talking and then they'll come  to a conclusion and that's just how they process   cool and they don't mind interruptions either  they're just kind of free-floating and thinking   and processing as they go introverts on the other  hand have to exert energy to be around other   people it's not that they have low self-esteem or  anything like that it's just a difference in the   way they interact with people they are much more  aware of what's going on inside them and figure   things out and then talk they'll have a problem  they'll go sit somewhere quiet they'll think about   it come up with some solutions and then they'll  call up their best friend and be like hey I have   this problem and these are the three solutions  I came up with what do you think and they tend   to prefer peace and quiet so like I said I got  those two labels backwards sorry your introverts   think intro know what's going on inside and need  some quiet time they need time for introspection   maintaining relationships be self-aware what do  you have going on what are you projecting and how   are you impacting others be aware of your impact  on others so if you're in a bad mood how does that   impact everybody around you if you're in a good  mood how does that impact everybody around you   because both of them have an impact encourage  clients to become aware of and pay attention to   what I generically call transference issues if  they remind you of somebody or if a client has   a friend that reminds them of somebody make sure  they understand who they're responding to if they   get upset their best friend who reminds them  of their mother or does something that reminds   them of their mother are they're really getting  that upset with their best friend or is it some   of that stuff that we were talking about that's  been pushed down pay attention was interest in   curiosity listen to what they have to say and you  know even if you don't agree kind of ask yourself   wow how could they have possibly come up with  that Lisa gives you a little bit of curiosity   somewhere stop multitasking don't be playing on  your phone and uh huh huh watching TV put things   down pay attention to the relationship stay in the  present instead of planning your response instead   of you know sometimes a lot of American culture  actually as soon as we finish speaking the other   person is responding and where are we ready trying  to plan the next thing we're going to say instead   of hearing what they have to say in response  focus on the people around you pay attention   if how they're feeling you know what they're  nonverbals are in order to maintain relationships   you know if you're working in an office setting  and Jane over there it seems kind of down today   how awesome would it be to go over and be like  Jane you seem kind of down today anything I can   do to help as opposed to just sitting in your  chair and being like looks like Jane's having   a bad day well be open to new information you  may have an idea about something and there was   a thing that came down from the house or something  about killing bears in their dens and you know I   got all fired up about it because I'm big animal  rights advocates but when I put it out there I   was like okay somebody explained to me how this  is needed why is this important and how could it   have passed you know the house give me some new  information and makes this make sense because   right now I'm pretty darn ticked off but you know  I may not know the whole story so encourage people   to approach things tentatively and try to let  go of judgmental thoughts about other people up always being right because guess what you  ain't avoid assuming you know what other people   think you know what they say about assuming  avoid questioning other people's motives you   don't know what their motives were so you may ask  them go with the flow instead of always trying to   control the flow and I have a little picture  of a Newton's Cradle here when you pull that   one ball out it hits and the energy transfers  and that other ball goes out and then back and   forth and back and forth the energy is always  being transferred it's a given a take to give   it a take and we want our relationships to be  more like Newton's Cradle sometimes our clients   have to end unhealthy relationships so we want  to encourage them to make the decision in the   wise mind not the emotional mind if somebody does  something and they get upset all right give it a   little bit before you go oh I'm never talking to  that person again get out of the emotional mind   into your wise mind so you can evaluate all of  the information consider problem solving if the   relationship is important and not destructive  troubleshoot problems if you're going to have a   discussion with somebody troubleshoot problems  with that how that's going to go ahead of time   and rehearse your coping strategies so when  you're having the discussion you're able to   maintain your composure be direct don't beat  around the bush so you know there's problem   practice the opposite action for love and this  is kind of one that's difficult to wrap your head   around sometimes obviously the opposite action  is hate what I encourage clients to do if they   romanticize a bad relationship and they can tell  me all the wonderful things about Johnny or Sally   or whoever it is okay those are all the wonderful  things but I hear you're in pain a lot so tell me   what the negatives are to this relationship and  I want you to remember those when you start going   back to romanticize how awesome it is and be safe  obviously if it's a relationship at all encourage   clients to be very safe and consulted domestic  violence shelter and all that kind of stuff at   a time walking the middle path the universe is  filled with opposing sides and forces there's   always more than one way to see a situation  and more than one way to solve a problem so   we can always ask tell me how you see this what's  your opinion do you have other information do you   have other ideas about how to solve the problem we  don't have to be right but we may have this goal   out here you know I need this to happen so what  are some other ways we can achieve that goal two   things that seem opposite can be true remembering  that everything is interconnected in some way like   a butterfly butterfly flaps its wings moves  the air then what happens thinking about your   vulnerabilities you know if you don't get enough  sleep and you wake up and you're tired then how   does that affect the next thing and the next thing  and then the next thing and you know that's how   it's affecting you but you're encountering  people along the way how are you impacting   the clerk that was at the gas station when you  got gas how are you impacting the person that   you cut off in traffic how are you impacting your  your office mates so everything is interconnected   and all those people are interfacing with you  and impacting you meaning and truth evolve over   time and each moment is an opportunity for a new  reality so what is true right now well that now   is past we're in a new now and a new now what we  do influences our environment and the people in it   and they influence us back so if we are happy and  nice to someone and they smile back how does that   affect you you know think about how there's it's  not just a one-way keep your balance by using your   wise mind to ask okay what am I missing in this  try to let go of extremes and change either/or   to both and if we don't have to have either this  or that how could we get both how could we both be   happy how can we make a win-win balance opposites  by validating both sides you know argue both sides   and see what you come up with make lemonade or  find a silver lining the bad stuff happens but   there's also good stuff what what good can  come out of this treat others if you want to   be treated no explanation needed try to look for  similarities with people not differences you may   disagree on a lot of stuff but what similarities  do you have okay you're both human well that's a   good place to start you both have kids okay so try  to build on that practice radical acceptance and   practice accepting change because change happens  pay attention to your impact on others how they   impact you let go of blame you know it doesn't do  anybody any good if I'm blaming then I'm putting   the other person on the defensive and we're  probably not getting anywhere we're not creating   a win-win we're creating a lose-lose and remember  that all behaviors are caused they are the best   choice given all the available options the person  had at that point in time so how did this behavior   how did this reaction possibly make sense and  how could we change it so in the future that's   not the best option we want to balance accepting  change and accepting what is and changing reality   we want a balance validating ourselves going  you know what D'Arnot I'm okay and acknowledging   errors I'm okay but I mess up sometimes work  and rest needs and wants self-improvement vs.   self-acceptance we tell people they want we want  them to accept themselves for who and how they are   and it we pardon me then we talk about so we need  to help themself improve huh so help them balance   that independence and dependence openness and  privacy trust and suspicion and focusing on self   versus focusing on others you can see how all of  these are vital to our survival but you don't want   to be on one extreme or the other there's got  to be a balance somewhere people with emotion   dysregulation often struggle in relationships due  to lack of effective interpersonal skills a need   for external validation and lack of clarity about  what they actually need need the necessary goals   and interpersonal effectiveness for them is to  help them clarify their wants and needs enhance   their assertiveness and interpersonal skills  enhance their self esteem so they're not always   looking for external validation and develop and  maintain supportive relationships and I was right   I didn't leave you any time to take your quiz so  you still have a little bit obviously like I said   it's you get 1.5 hours of CEUs but do you have  any questions if you enjoy this podcast please   like and subscribe either in your podcast player  or on YouTube you can attend and participate   in our live webinars with doctor Snipes by  subscribing at all CEUs comm slash counselor   toolbox this episode has been brought to you in  part by all CEUs calm providing 24/7 multimedia   continuing education and pre certification  training to counselors therapists and nurses   since 2006 use coupon code capsular toolbox to  get a 20% discount off your order this month you

Channel: Doc Snipes

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Keywords: cheap ce, unlimited CE, ADACB, addiction, counselling, counsellor, alcohol and drug, cadc, cap, ccapp, ccdc, ce, chemical dependency, lcsw, certification board, continuing education, counseling, Florida, ladac, ladc, lcdc, licensed counselor, lmft, lmhc, lpc, lpc ce, lpc ceus, naadac, nbcc, online training, relapse prevention, mindfulness, sex addiction, ce4less, cebynet, online ceu, homestudy, coaching, interpersonal effectiveness, dbt, dialectical, linehan, counseling skills, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes

Id: EXJAT6L-rOU

Length: 60min 30sec (3630 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 22 2017