David Letterman's Final Show

my fellow Americans our long National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over Letterman is retiring you're just kidding right [Applause] from a magical place not found on any map it's the Late Show with David Letterman tonight a special top 10 L and food fighter CL Paul chaer and the CBS Orchestra I'm am Alan cter and now a boy from a small town in Indiana [Applause] he [Applause] [Applause] Herman [Applause] thank you so much hey [Applause] hey [Applause] hey thank you very [Applause] [Music] much okay [Applause] okay pleas thank you so much thank you okay there's nothing all right thank you very much okay thank you thank you very much thank you that's very kind of you please be seated that I don't know what to do all right thank you that's it that's it stop it stop it right there I don't make me okay all right sit down thank you don't make me now see now what happens we don't have time for the giving gifts to the audience [Applause] segment thank you very much ladies and gentlemen Welcome to The Late Show I want to tell you one thing uh I'll be honest with you it's beginning to look like I'm not going to get the tonight's show I don't think I um thank I'll tell you something else uh and I know people are well-meaning but I am sick and tired maybe Paul you get a little of this what are you going to do now that you're retired what are you going to do now that you're retired well uh okay all right you want to know what I'm going to do now that I'm retired by God I hope to become the new face of Scientology Bravo don't don't kid yourself emotions are running high in in this building I was uh talking with a sound guy backstage Dutch and and he uh well you know come to think of that may not be his name I for the last 20 years I've been calling everybody Dutch ah well that's all right it's all right all right speaking of emotional farewells here now is my goodbye farewell statement to the staff that took place earlier today I hope you enjoy this do any [Music] Works bye that was moving for all of us Beau people say to me Dave when did you know it was time to retire and I said well there were signs there's always signs along the way and uh I think one of the signs was uh uh Todd the qard kid uh came up to me and he said for the love of God Dave I can't write the words any bigger ah remember that look at that okay all right all right fine all right oh this is a great segment I love this segment the name of this segment is a comedy we would have done tomorrow you see this is stuff this is stuff we had planned for Thursday okay I hope you enjoy [Music] it Hillary will personally apologize to you for Financial improprieties in exchange for a donation a Mad Max tie-in promotion from Super Cuts and mik hakabe space on a thing that's comedy we would have done Thursday well here's some uh statistics uh Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years and uh that's 6,028 shows it's a lot of shows earlier today we got a call from Steve St Hawking and and he bless his heart had done the math because he's a a genius and stuff and 6,028 shows and he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about 8 minutes of [Music] laughter now here's the problem when you don't have your own show anymore here's the problem when I screw up now yes and Lord knows I'll be screwing up yeah I have to go on somebody else's show to apologize that's the problem that's the problem I'll tell you this uh has been hard on my family and I don't know where the confusion happened I don't know where it began but my son keeps saying why does daddy have to go to prison I don't know I remember Paul you remember this when we started the show uh but there were mixed responses uh on the one hand uh some people said that the show didn't have a chance remember that MH yeah half of the people said that show doesn't have a chance on the other hand the other half of the people says that show doesn't have a prayer that's remember I was having trouble sleeping last night because has that been a sure oh yes yes so I was up late and I was dialing around the channels and I Came Upon something that uh I I thought was sort of enjoyable so I I ran it off I put it on the thing I brought it in and I'm going to show it with you folks last now maybe you saw it uh also take a look at what I saw last night he broke the window again gosh homie Dave's been on the air for 33 years back then Bart and Lisa were kids and Maggie was still a baby strange is it time gets away from you when we started the show the biggest program the the hottest show on television you know what it was no keeping up with the Gabor keeping up with the with the Gabor long time on the air way down in the vault listen to this uh help me out with something I don't know know uh do you remember elen Gonzalez what a case that was the kid in Cuba and where should he go the United States and he's been in Cuba well you're not going to believe this the kid is 21 years old 21 years old now and yesterday he announced that he wants to come back to America now my question to you is should I take this personally okay thanks but and and here's the best part of all my good friend Paul uh more than a guy who's on television with me every night a great friend best friend and a wonderful guy yes thank you we no wait a [Music] minute we are going to continue in Show Business next month be June in Las Vegas which by the way is the time to go to Las Vegas Paul and I will be debing our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers yes we have some new Illusions we have some new Illusions CL as well like I said a lot of stuff confuses uh me and uh here's something else I I guess they're trying to be supportive I guess they're trying to be well-meaning you know that uh show it's not Jeopardy it's the other one Wheel of Fortune Wheel of Jeopardy Fortune Wheel of Fortune yeah look at this it's toss up time again it's our third of the [Music] night good good riddance to David [Music] Letterman really that's what we get PA shap for [Music] everybody that's what we [Music] get our final show ladies and gentlemen we'll be right back for tonight's top 10 thank you very much after the break a special to 10 list I've been given 5 seconds in which to express to everyone here at the Late Show just how much I truly that's that's it okay The Late Show sponsored by Ford we go further so you canite you folks to be with us tomorrow I'm going to learn how to milk a cow we got a fire that's oh my goodness we've we've got a fire [Music] well 1980 my goodness set fire to Studio 6A by mistake you were in the that was in the morning sparklers in confetti now you weren't on the morning show I was not on what was the problem why weren't you on the morning show couldn't get up that early wouldn't get up that early that's right why should you be different than every other viewer no no uh folks before uh we let this thing get too far down the road I just want toh say a couple of things about Steven colar I'm very excited I think he's going to do a wonderful job and I wish Stephen and his staff and crew nothing but the greatest success so let's look forward to that you know part of the uh what we have done on this uh program we would uh we would get kids I think this is Art link letter did this sure in the previous Millennium Millennium yeah the kids say the darnest things kids say the darnest things and we said well there's an idea we can steal I see and you know won't make any difference to the kids for heaven sake so we would spend a lot of time uh going to various locations sometimes inviting the kids here into the theater and we would just chat with the kids here now some conversations we had over the years with the kids kids love me oh they love you oh they absolutely love watch this hi kids hi how is Mommy good what's mommy's name I don't know BR guest my favorite food now come on come on just give it a try come on here I'll give you a hint all right pie try it try and guess my favorite food pie nope meat lo I started off with three ordinary day-to-day pickles here we go where'd you get to use ordinary day today day today pickles is your day-to-day pickles day now you can also get them in the month-long variety years and years ago when I was in prison Santa came to see us of course in prison they have no chimneys because the cons would be going over the wall left and right you know out and gone you know what Santa brought me no a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes and it was the very best Christmas ever that's a nice story isn't it it's a weird story can me hear the Thanksgiving story eron Well Jack Jackie goes to this special upholstery Farm like at least 100 miles from here it's an upholstery Farm yes she buys this 25 giant pound of turkey oh a poultry farm a poultry farm is that what it [Applause] is do you love science are you fascinated by science yeah and uh what's your favorite food Salt eat a lot of salt do you yeah uh-huh all right there you go is that going to be enough for you mhm all [Music] right I want you to hold it down at this end like this okay well you're down there why don't you do it it's not dangerous okay normally when those when those things come off they're going to be so beautiful you won't believe it thank you I was supposed to have braces when I was a kid but I I didn't my uh parents uh used the money for a a wet bar downstairs this is a fire extinguisher full full of carbon dioxide so we probably you'd be on it probably I'll be on David Leatherman with you oh that would be fun that' be nice to have you on and what what is that there that you mix [Applause] [Music] in do you have any creepy kids in your class well AST she drives me nuts does she misbehave yes mhm does she does she ever throw things no is she is she a disruptive influence in class no not really but when she when she goes out does she share her materials yes oh she does yeah but when she goes out on the does she work well with others M sort of right but when she is she constantly interrupting you are how many friends do you have oh about none no you have friends don't you you must have friends a guy like you nope I used to have friends what' you do I accidentally pushed somebody down down the stairs and they got a bloody nose do you think maybe there's a lesson to be learned here yeah and what is that accidents happened you have brothers and sisters she's a a sister uhhuh what's her name sure Rachel Rachel you want to say hi to Rachel okay go ahead say hi to [Music] Rachel here we go say hi to Rachel just go ahead right there say hi Rachel Jingle Bells yeah I know that all right I'll accompany you sing ready Jingle Bells dashing through the nose oh jingle bellsing you got to be [Music] quiet you are not you are not you are not [Music] funny [Applause] [Music] the kids the kids love me ladies and gentlemen when we come back it's tonight's top 10 [Applause] [Music] list please welcome Mr Andy [Music] [Applause] [Music] calman tell me about Taxi uh was would you like a tissue can I would you like a tissue oh my dear Andy oh my goodness dear dear Andy ladies and gentlemen here's tonight's top [Applause] 10 [Applause] [Music] thank you Paul this is a um I think this is a a pretty good list considering it's our last list and the category top 10 things I've always wanted to say to Dave ah yeah now listen to this presenting tonight's top 10 list 10 frequent Late Show guests and good friends of ours once again top 10 things and let me just thank them in advance I appreciate their time their talents and their generosity top 10 things I've always wanted to say to Dave number 10 Alec Baldwin [Music] [Applause] [Music] of all the talk shows yours is most geographically convenient to my own thank you Alex thank you number nine Barbara [Applause] Walters okay Dave did you know that you wear the same cologne as Mama Gaddafi yes yes Barbara I do know [Music] that number eight Steve [Applause] Martin your extend Ive plastic surgery was a necessity and a [Applause] mistake well number seven Jerry [Applause] Seinfeld Dave I have no idea what I'll do when you go off the air you know I just thought of something I'll be fine fire thank you Jerry it's very nice of you I I think Jerry may have a benefit later number six Jim [Applause] [Music] Cary honestly Dave I've always found you to be a bit of an [Applause] overactor number five Chris [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Rock I'm just glad your show is being given to another white [Music] guy you know I had nothing to do with that uh number four Julia Louie dfus [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Ladi thanks for letting me take part in another hugely disappointing series finale I had nothing to do with that either number three Payton [Music] [Applause] Manning oh my God look at that Dave you are to Comedy what I am to Comedy it doesn't make any sense Payton oh my God number two Tina Fay [Music] thanks for finally proving men can be funny I like that uh things I've always wanted to say to Dave number one Bill Murray ladies and gentlemen Dave I'll never have the money I owe you oh [Music] [Applause] no thank you Al good to see yout God bless you Steve thank you very much that was wonderful nice job you look great thank you got thank you very much I appreciate that how you doing that was oh my God the show is tremendous this year that was so funny Mr Manning oh my god look who it is that's unbelievable Nina again thank you for everything and Bill saw you on TV last night you all right there you are ladies and gentlemen it's our friends here at the Late Show thank you everybody we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] folks what is the square root of 25 speak one more there you go Ed a boy son you're quite a doggy take him out there son he gave the dog Two Shots you'd think he'd get it right I'm telling you um how about that all tremendous to see those people what a thrill and I can't begin to articulate my feelings toward each and every one of them over the years and then of course and did you notice me standing next to pton Manning it's like word twins well first of all you towered over them you towered over [Applause] them this um this happened uh I think it was June 17th 1996 paid a visit to our friendly Taco Bell take a look right hi welcome to Taco Bell what do you want hi can I have a kids meal with a soft taco are you Mexican no I'm not if if you're Mexican the meal's half off all right welcome to Taco Bell what do you want I'd like two three cheese mil okay okay wait a minute wait a minute I'm not exactly a computer slow down let try it again take it from the beginning what is it you would like for lunch two three cheese milk two three Che mil welcome to Taco Bell how are you okay how are you uh I'm okay I had a kind of a bad weekend oh okay I was Mo my uh lawn I got a riding m a couple of weeks ago and the damn thing rolled over my foot and I lost three toes oh my God that's prob H in and a medium Diet Coke medium relative to what halfway between the small and the large okay Che we got it we can do that right I got that we can make that happen Okay I'm going to have to ask you to speak up I can hardly hear you I want two tacos Supreme soft and one original okay we you know the Taco Supremes we only uh we only have them in the hard all right I'll take two hard ones and also a 99 cent three cheese mill on small pants all right no slow down ma'am I am very very tired I am just getting over the worst case of stomach flu I've ever had in my life you sound familiar I'm the manager Kenny no you're not yes I am are you not yes I am we get your food you be on your way are you Howard Stern [Applause] deal yeah we'll get you one of those can you do me a favor uh it's my lunch break and I haven't had a chance to get anything to eat can can I ask you to get me a little something to eat no all right here here's how this will work you order for me a burrito supreme okay for you yes we're not allowed to order our own food okay what would you like ma'am I told you the three cheese beef mil anything else and your stupid thing whatever you want but I'm not playing not p no no she misunderstood I'll pay for it but you have to order it all right it's a burrito supreme with no meat okay try it again what else ma'am burrito supreme with no meat all right fine thank you very much What's the total that's 2680 how much is the real total the real too is 2680 the burrito supreme is a little pricey it's one of our most expensive items mil me let let me see if I can repeat that order you ordered something a couple of tacos or something chicken something and a burrito supreme with no meat is that correct she's gone already Chief this's gone already Chief I'm about that we'll be right back with f fighters [Music] [Applause] [Music] everybody I know it's got be got K and i l in the middle of New York City [Music] there a night was a night before Christmas not a creature was stirring not even a mouse oh now I got to read [Music] Spanish not a creature with story not even a mous and oh calt before us favorite moment of the whole show right there now um uh Paul and I of course you're TV friends yes H and as so we know you primarily through the TV uh people are constantly saying to us well what do you do when you're not on TV and what happens that we don't get to see that we can't see on the TV so with that in mind we put together a little U it's a vignette it's a of life it's it's a day in my life take a [Music] look Hey look it's guys hi F how are you good morning everyone I've been out all [Music] [Music] night I'm sleepy good night everybody hey I'll tell you who we have today morning Barbara good morning are hi how's Simon oh he's good thanks how's Harry Harry's Fine good you know he quit school what you let him quit already we're going to D Queen on tonight's show we've got Jack Hannah he's damn good he's damn good he is damn good he's been on 102 times he's never once brought the same animal that is not true that's not true that true no that's compl you don't think there's more than 102 animals in the world oh I know I do but I think there's only so many adorable baby animals you can display on TV right oh that you can display on TV sure yeah no but tonight he's not bringing animals he's not BR Leo Leo the L show [Music] Mee hello sir hi Michael ke oh oh oh for heaven's sakes it's Michael Keaton you did bring a clip uhhuh and it would be oh no no I'm afraid so oh [Music] not it's pretty good you just are so clearly resentful of having to do it which is fantastic you're going to sing some graps uh maybe Mar's got to reposition the glass I thought I was trying not to get my desk messy how's that yeah that's good right there whoa yeah this is better than yeah you know what I'm going to devote the rest of my life to social media oh you moved the damn glass get away from the cop here we get electrocuted seriously we had an intern that electrocuter dropped dead The copier H oh oh man nice gra GS and the clo pulling over time I feel too close to be Los Joseph Bieber High School prom you know tell me this how come how come Bieber crashes the high school prom it's cool when I do it it's creepy I like uh that the the theme of the prom that he crashed was enchantment under the influence [Music] uh let me just remind you that everything that you say or do is being recorded now I hate for you to make a pool of yourself no coming over the White House correspondence Diner coverage we can find some really interesting things look at this is this seat taken sweetheart pretty lady like you shouldn't have to drink alone is there any chance of getting it so it's not so drunk and clumsy if you get some time I'll be happy to show you the monuments first first time in Chris S Washington can we get the microphone down here and maybe just uh just cut out the middleman and make it happen I try it sure all right it will help the show D oh damn why the what happened to bread sticks they're easier to grab the act one the first thing is the Smithsonian curator taking the Q card then it's the White House correspondence dinner so we're ending on the Spider-Man is that the strong feel well what else do we have there we have uh well we could end with the Tony guy oh that's pretty strong let's do that hey Paul how you doing Dave I know you hate this what happened I know you hate this there's a parade of people coming and they all say the same thing Dave I know you hate this and they go on to do what he [Music] [Music] hates I [Music] [Music] got [Applause] [Music] that's what we do for 33 years we'll be right back with Foo Fighters ladies and [Music] gentlemen [Music] honestly how about those guys oh my you know I've um I I've been thinking about this and I I think I could be taller than pton Manning [Applause] let me um let me say a couple of things here and then we'll continue with the activities uh the last 6 weeks uh it's been crazy uh people have been saying lovely things about us uh and it's really been over the top and I can't tell you how flattering embarrassing and gratifying it has all been I have two things to say about this first of all uh we've done over 6,000 shows and I [Music] was I was here for most of them and I and I can tell you a pretty high percentage of those shows just absolutely suck well so now and also in light of all of this praise merited or not do me a favor save a little for my funeral all right okay I'd appreciate it Paul and I came here uh 22 years ago uh from NBC and a fellow by the name of Howard Stringer was the the man who ran CBS in those days and he wanted us to do the show here in this theater and and Paul and I said okay we'll go take a look at it but frankly it was a dump I mean it was it was a huge horrible uh dump it you it was not certified for habitation and and we came in and this is a true story crawling with rats big rats but but there were so many Rafters and beams falling down that and this is also true the rats were stoop shouldered now that's absolutely absolutely a true story uh but he turned it in along uh turned it into this beautiful theater Hal gurny uh also helped uh and and now look at it and we've we've come to call this home each and every day and and love it more and more and what a wonderful place to do a show and and what tremendous music that this place has housed over the years and in those days Kathleen anchors also helped them design it and it had to uh yeah she was wonderful it it had to meet architecture regulations because it's a landmark structure here in the city and uh quickly we we grew to love it and then then Howard Stringer left and I believe now he's in charge of a string of very successful nail salons that's nice and and then a man uh named Les munves took over and Les is still with us uh today and uh Les came in and I I will just say a few things things about our relationship with les moonvest this man over the years has been a friend to the show he's been very supportive uh of the show and he has been more than patient with me and if this was a printed uh uh sheet of paper you could underline patient several dozen times so I would like to thank Mr moonz for that support and the crew what a tremendous crew we have had here the people you see on the stage the people you don't see on the stage the people you see upstairs the props Department the audio the cameras the makeup the Wardrobe the scenic it goes on and on and on and these people night after night have put up with my nonsense and taken great care of not just me but everybody on the show my thank you to everybody involved with that the staff what a tremendous staff and uh was we have researchers and these poor people uh work in some kind of subterranean pit yeah well there is no natural light there whatsoever but yet they come in day in and day out and they do the work we have we have the talent coordinators they bring the guests in we have the segment producers they put together the segments we have uh uh producers we we have uh uh people uh in the control room I've never been in the control room is the control room let me have a shot of the there they are hi everybody how's it going I'm [Music] Dave let's keep it to three drinks today okay and of course the writers throughout the years of uh this show on the show at NBC uh I have been blessed and lucky to work with men and women who are smarter than I am and and funnier than I am and I have always been interested in doing the show that the writers have given me now these people collectively that I have just now mentioned and introduced believe me this is absolutely the truth deserve more credit for this show than I ever will thank you to all of those [Music] people and now folks we see every night my thanks to our announcer Alan calter I don't know of a better announcer than Alan calter thank you a guy who has been with me for 35 years and mostly every day he and I have been involved in making television shows Biff Henderson Biff where are you there's Biff Henderson right there thank you Biff God bless you here's what I will miss most about this show and we will start now with Felicia Collins Felicia Collins Sid mcginness will Lee Anton fig Tom Malone Frank green Aaron hike and my good good friend as good a friend as you can have on television as good a friend as you can have in life absolutely a musical genius Paul schaer it's the CBS or about that band thank you everybody thank you so much David you changed our lives we've loved every second of it it's it's so obvious every night and again tonight that they are so much better at their job than I am at my job uh a part of the uh uh show uh was my mother for go sake oh yes no that's I don't that's the that's Betty no it's Betty White let me see my mom there she is there's mom I remember the first time we were going to have Mom on the show and I called her and I said Mom we would like you to be on my show and Mom said you have a show and it's been nothing but fun ever since uh I want to thank my own family my wife Regina and my son Harry thank you [Music] look at that kid just seriously just thank you for being my family I love you both and really nothing else matters does [Music] it and before the show Harry wanted me to introduce his buddy Tommy robado Tommy right there there's Tommy go get him [Music] Tommy [Applause] oh man um I want to thank the uh the folks at home you know people come up to me all the time and they say Dave I've been watching you since your morning show and I always say have you thought about a complete psychological workout the people who watch this show uh there's nothing I can do to ever repay you thank you for everything you've given me everything and thank you again let me tell you a little something about Foo Fighters first of all can we show the picture that we were going to show of my son before he stood up let here's here was the picture we were beautiful beautiful boy yeah he's a beautiful we we've had him to all the best clinics yes uh so 15 years ago I have open heart surgery and uh these people saved my life they uh and I'm out not doing the show for like five or six weeks and and I'm in talking with Sheila Rogers and she says well on your first show back uh is there anything special you would like musically and I said well uh yeah and we got to talking and we said what about Foo Fighters they had been on I think at that time four or five times and she said well I'll ask them uh but it could be a problem and I said well just ask them and and also there's a song of theirs I would like to hear it's it's special to me it's been meaningful through my heart recovery it would be just great two days later she calls back and she says well uh there's some we have some uh they're on tour in South America and I said oh oh darn and she says well that's all right they canceled the tour she said they are coming back to do the show and they are doing the song that you asked for and ladies and gentlemen happily ever since we've been joined at the hip God bless you gentlemen thank you very much all right that's pretty much all I got the uh only thing I have left to do for the last time on a television program thank you and good [Applause] [Music] night here we [Music] go good evening here you know [Music] [Applause] [Music] for I throw myself into out of the red out of the he she [Music] said Cal down and was away with me down with me SL how you want it to be I'm over my head head want when I sing along with you it's everything ever feel this real forever this good I ask of you got a promise to stop when I say she [Music] said this is CBS bre out so I can [Music] you and now I know you've always been out out of oh yeah when I want [Music] when I sing along with you everything I feel this real forever ever be this [Applause] good ask of you promise St I she wow [Applause] [Music] w everything feel this [Music] forever good D ask you got a promise got to stop when I say he everything ever feel through forever I ask of you got a promise like a I say [Applause] [Music] you're not going to put this on CBS I'm [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] sure [Music] [Applause] oh [Music] [Music] [Applause] w [Music] a [Music] [Music] oh oh

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Length: 59min 56sec (3596 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 20 2015