- Doing my addiction for eight years. For eight years being a
slut, a prostitute, hoe, a stolen dope thing. I mean, sitting up here, selling my body for hits of dope. Sucking dicks for $2, jumping in and out of cars. This car, that car, till my feets was the color
of the pavement, you hear me? I mean, just all the way out there with the "I don't give a damn attitude." But it was this dope man
I kept tricking with, would always pay somebody to come find me and I'd go to him, go to his house. (indistinct) he was
requesting for me all the time and made me end up just
sleeping with really just him. So, you know what happened after that? I got hooked on the man. Got hooked on (indistinct) dope dealer. Fell in love with this dope dealer till I wouldn't trick with nobody but him. You hear me? Till I wanted a baby by him. I fell in love with him. I even moved in with him and his mom. His mom, for some reason, she couldn't stand me but the dope dealer, he had a alcohol problem. He was on Jim real bad and he would always beat
on me for the same stuff he was out there doing. If I'm out there tricking, he knew what type of person I was before I had started hooking up with him. But he was doing the same thing. When he couldn't find me, he'd be up there tricking, but he would always beat me for the same thing that
he was out there doing. And you know what? I fell in love with him. Not with the ass beatings, but I fell in love with him. Moved in with him. His mom used to encourage
him to whoop my ass. He got, I don't know how many sister and brother were living, 11 of them living in the
house now that I remember. 11 adults living in one house and you know what? They all would sit back
in chairs and recliner and watch this nigga
beat the hell out of me. And I still wouldn't leave him and then when my family would see me, I'd cover it up. I would never tell them
that he was whooping on me. And he really didn't have
no reason to whoop on me, it was just some jealous
spirit that he had, had on him. He loved me, but he was jealous but I never, I quit slowing down, tricking with other men though just cause how I started
feeling towards him. The next thing you know, I wanted a baby by him. Took me a long time to ever want a child. I ain't never want one but I wouldn't want by this (indistinct) fat ass man. He was fat too. Baldheaded with a big old belly. When we laid down in the bed, I couldn't go to sleep
unless I was holding him, not him holding me. I was holding him. I was always skinny, whether
I was on drugs or not. Then he got popped. We had to move out the house with his mom because me and her kept getting into it. That man used to shoot at me. I used to feel the air of
a bullet going by my ear 'cause he would shoot at me. He'll catch me coming out
one of them smoke houses and there I go, I'm finna take off running. I'm finna leave my shoes, I'm finna be bare footed. You know I, it's a country girl anyway. But it hurt me how his mom would treat me and how she would
encourage him to whoop me. She drank that hot Busch beer and she lived a long time too. I couldn't stand her, God forgive me. Anyway, I end up getting pregnant and he didn't believe
that it was his child 'cause he didn't believe
that I was only screwing him but it ended up being his child. Even through my whole
nine months of pregnancy that man beat me with anything
he could get his hands on. I thought I was in love. I thought I knew what love was. I was in love, but I thought
I knew what love was. Love was still sticking with a man that was beating the hell out of me with anything that he got his hands on and he would come attack on me like he was a football player. How you run up to a football player and you tackle at the legs and throw him up in the air, damn, I'll never forget when
that nigga did me like that. I'll never forget that, so help me God. I took beans off of him for a long time. I stayed out there in
them streets for a year but when I got pregnant and he got popped when our
son was seven months old. It was incest in their family. This man here was still screwing his niece that they had been molesting ever since she was a little girl. There was four of them. The brother, the girl's daddy, her first baby was by her daddy, and then he was the uncle. (indistinct) the uncle, the uncle that's still living was still fucking his goddamn niece. He knew she had a crack habit and he would use the crack to get her to do he wanted her to do. When he got popped at seven
months and he went away, he got mad 'cause I
wouldn't send him some money to put on his book. Shit, how could I? I wasn't on no child support, I wasn't on no food stamps, I wasn't on no type of
government assistance. How could somebody want
me to send them some money and I'm up here raising my baby by myself. My mom wasn't helping me. I didn't want her help anyway 'cause she always tried to use her money to try to control me. Anyway, he got popped. When he came out of jail, our son was six years
old when he came out. By then I had done bought me a house, was in college, in my second year of college at University of Houston-Downtown working for M&M, Mars Candy. They the ones that make
Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Milky Way, Skittles and Starburst. I had done bought me a house. A three bedroom, two bath house
for me and my four year old. I had done build my money up. I had five bank accounts and the sixth one was a
CD account for my son. He was four years old. I couldn't believe it
when his mail first came. He had his name first and then me as the custodian parent. I thought that was so cool. But it was hard too for me. It was hard 'cause when he got out, I told him I wasn't gon'
never take him back. I thought maybe them
beating days was over with. But them beating days wasn't over with. He cried so bad and he asked
me could he move in my house. Mind you, the Lord had done, Lord had done blessed me 'cause I had to grab on to the Lord 'cause once he went and got locked up, that was it. That was it. There wasn't nobody
that that could be there to pick up... The backbone of our, of me and my child, was the dope dealer. You hear me? The one I fell in love with, the one who I wanted the baby by. While he locked up, I
grabbed onto the Lord. I ain't had no other choice. I walked them streets at nighttime saying Psalms 121 where I lift up my eyes unto the Lord from where from my help. And my mom, she had my child 'cause I made a ran off and left my child with
my mom, you hear me? Cause my addiction still would
kick in every now and then. Cause I was straddling the fence. One part of me wanted to do right and one part of me still trying to fuck up until finally, I gave all
of my self to the Lord. I saw how the Lord was overflowing my cup. When I say I was walking, I know what it's like
to be all the way down and I know what it's like to give the Lord your mind, body and soul, and heart. The Lord don't never
won't have your heart, he wants your whole heart. He said don't come to him double minded, he wants you to come to him single minded. I said let me try the Lord. I had done tried all kinds of crack, and shit, all kinds of dope. I said why not try Him cause I was at my last straw. I couldn't take it. I had already got suicidal and I wanted to take my life. I done tried that three times
throughout my whole years. I started walking them Bibles, I started reading it, meditating the Word, reading
the Bible day and night. He say study and meditate His
Word day and night, daily. To read the Bible and not walk it, it don't do you no good. It wouldn't do you no good. But if you walk it, that's when you following
the instructions. At first I couldn't understand the Bible. Before that, my mom had
already been putting me in all these rehabs before I
fell in love with this guy. You understand me? The big book wasn't doing me no good, them rehabs, all they do
is talk about the dope. Then when I come back out, I would go on right back to the drug. So I said I'll let the
Bible be my big book. So I started reading. I started following them instructions. I started getting in
the habit, practicing, making it part of my
routine every single day. Dealing with today and today only. He tell you that in Matthew seven verse 30 and 31 about don't worry
about something to eat, don't worry about something to wear. And he'll tell you about, don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself. I've been dealing with
monsters all my life. I let that demon come and move in. I let him talk me into moving in and there I go again. Called my sister, trying
to do the right day. Cause my sister, she'll be, one of my sisters, she with one man, but then two of her kids by another man. Then the other sister I got, she with one man, but one
of her kids by this man and one of her kids by the same man, I said I'll try and set, I really was trying to set an example by trying to make it with
the father of my child by letting him come back in my life cause it wouldn't be fair for me to keep him away from our son. But all the time he didn't
try to build no relationship with our child anyway. I still was the mommy
and daddy of our child. He ain't got no relationship at all. To this day, they barely do have one. But I let him go and move into the house that the Lord had blessed
me with because I was godly. I let an ungodly man move
into that house not thinking. I'm thinking I'm doing the right thing by try'na have a relationship and making it with the father of my child. But when thinking about, one of us has godly and
one of us is ungodly. That's in the Bible when He
talks about unequally yoked. I still loved the same man
knowing that he was ungodly and I was godly. The Lord had fixed it to where
I had got such a good job. I had all the bills that a
married couple would have. Every time I wanted me a new vehicle, the Lord didn't let me get
it out the parking lot. The Lord had let me get my
vehicle out the showroom floor, no co-signer, no nothing. No none of that. I had light, gas, water, cable, a lawn, then my grass need doing, public taxes, school taxes,
homeowners insurance, furniture, all the couple that a married couple would have. Just me and my baby, all the time, till that nigga came home
and I let him come in. There I go for that dick again. There I went, it was the dick. I'mma tell you now, it was the dick. I stayed godly for a while. For 14 years. Still with this man, you hear me? Being the bread. I'm the bread. That man didn't even have
to ever open up a envelope. I bought him a car to drive to work. I bought him one to drive on the weekend. He didn't have to go shopping for a sale. I went and did all the shopping for him. Everything I want to see him in. The Lord had blessed me with so much money and such a good job. I bought whatever I want to see him in, whatever I want to smell him in. What jewelry I wanted to match mine. His jewelry had to match mine, it was customized. I'mma wear a marquise in my ear, three carat, four carat and a two carat on my finger. That four carat used to be leaning so as if it was a hat, how you have a hat (indistinct)
to the side on your head, that's how that four carat used to be. I ain't never had (indistinct)
send me to the beauty shop to get my hair did, or my toes and nails. This sorry didn't nigga never, neither. I had a male, the guy that was, he owned a (indistinct) in Pasadena. By me being so uppity uppity out there in the field
working for M&M, Mars Candy, 'cause that's a good candy company and our competitor was Hershey. I went to him and asked him
to give this man a job for me. I paid for our wedding, for our honeymoon. You know what that nigga was doing? That nigga was asleep in the bed. I didn't have no sex for my honeymoon. I had us a limousine. I gave that man everything
that he could ever want that he didn't even ask me for 'cause when the Lord bless you with things and he overflow your cup with blesses, he expect for you to share and that's why I tell you in Genesis, he said go and multiply and be fruitful. Fruitful is anything that's positive. Anything that's pleasing to the Lord. Sharing, caring, helping. Anything. Praying, paying my tithe. When I say I walked it, and it felt good. I ain't gonna never be able
to explain the feeling. I need that life back. Whether I got a man in my life or not, I need that life back with the
Lord all the way in my life because I didn't want for nothing. When he say he's your
shepherd, you shall not want, that Man's instructions
in that Bible is real, just as sure as I'm sitting here. That man's instructions are real. If you just follow. We got so many evil spirits
around us in this here world that you can't even see with your eyes. Evil spirits, principalities, witchcraft. So much, you hear me? Satan is on his job more than 24/7. He stayed on that man. And when that man couldn't
get his way with me, that man (indistinct) self
locking that bedroom door to whoop me for my son to kick that door in, my bedroom door in. He come in there with a bat. It hurted me that my son had to hear and see something like that
between me and his father. But it hurted me more that
my son had to come in there and rescue me just to get that man to stop 'cause I thought them ass
beating days was over with. I didn't think he would come home still, put his hands on me as
much as I was giving to him and doing for him. He didn't have to worry about nothing. I will be careful when I
choose me one this time. That man done so much to me. That man had my lips
looking like Daffy Duck. I had to hide from my mom for two weeks 'cause that man had bust
me in my mouth so bad, both my lips, if you could've saw how I looked. I took some ass whooping with pipes. That nigga used to whoop
me with everything. Till this day, I still can say I stayed with him 'cause I loved him. But I know now that
that's not what love is. I had to learn that in 1 Corinthians, the whole chapter 13, it's all about love. See, my God is about
love and righteousness. You got to show Him that you love Him. You can tell God that you love Him but if you ain't showing Him, you don't mean doodly damn. It'll go out of action man. It's the same when you would have to be in a relationship with somebody. You could tell him you love him, you have to show a
person that you love her. He say in Ephesian five and one, "Be imitators of mine, walk in love." The Lord love me, the good and the bad. My good is starting to outweigh my bad now and I thank the Lord for it but I'm going through some
terrible ass storms in life and learned from my mess. I'm tired. It seems like
everybody in my life were monsters to me. Until this day he calls me crack head and everything but I'm the same woman
who gave him everything. I told him, "You will
never find another woman who will treat you like I did." 'Cause I was so happy with my marriage, I thought I was happy with my marriage. To I dare you to clean up my house, I dare you to wash dishes, I dare you to test the
washing machine and dryer. I'm finna do it all. I'm finna do it all. I ain't finna never cook late, don't never put no pots
and pans in my refrigerator and everything in the house, I had done furnished the
whole damn house myself. (indistinct) I couldn't even believe that I found he was cheating
with that H&R Block woman. He's cheating with the
niece and cheating... That devastated me till I relapsed. I had six years left of my house and I would have been
through paying for my house, you hear me? I ain't been the same since. I've been on drugs ever
since, you hear me? I didn't let no man come in my life when I was on them drugs
for them eight years until I stopped fucking
that dick all the time, you hear me? I don't like no goddamn, I don't like big dicks and none of that. I'm old fashioned, I'm antique, I'm set in my ways, I'm 57 years old. I'm the type who, I say I was cooking every day. Working my job, going to school full-time and being a PTA mom at
the school for my son. When they have field trips, I'm finna be a chaperone and
go on a field trip with them to help take care of the kids. All the kids used to
love to come to my house, they want to spend a night but we had some demons in that house and I was trying to stick with
that man, as long as I could. But when I relapsed like I did and that man didn't say, "It's
okay. You can get back up, you could do it again." That man beat me up, hell, my mama did. They beat me up. My aunts did. They beat me up with words. They tell you in the Bible, He say the tongue, the tongue is full of deadly poison, that it cuts like a double-edged blade. I believe that. It's true. I'm a witness to that. So I learned that in the Bible. There's so much that
I learned in the Bible that it's going to have to take a man that's going to have to have the Lord in his life on this round. It's going to have to take a man. And sooner or later, the Lord
gon' help me get that monkey off my back. So far I ain't be selling no cat, slept with no dick. I still ain't gave up no cat neither. I don't be trying to hear none the men be talking about. I dated so much, man. I dated so much. This one here jumping in, I'mma put this one here. When I had that little five pounds and six ounces baby, borderline preemie, you couldn't get me to have another baby. I got on them birth control pills and stayed on them motherfucker
for 10 years straight. My cat so small, man. You wouldn't imagine. I'm probably better than
some of these young women, my body is. Especially down there
with my muscles and stuff. I thank the Lord every day now for you. I talk to the Lord every day. It ain't a day that I'mma let go by that I cannot leave you out. I cannot leave you out of my life. When I walk through here, I'm always gone look for that, I always look for your car and I'd be willing to stop
just to see how you doing. I don't be wanting nothing, I just be... I'm growing to care about somebody who who cares about what my life was about and I got to quit running from that. I'd be just wanting to stop just to give you a big old hug man. A big old hug. I'm not gone lie. I get chill bumps, my
nipples get old hard. I'm not gon' lie. I'm just gon' be honest with you. It took me a long time to learn
how to be real with myself before I could learn
to be real with others. There's no sense in me
lying about it, man. I can't. I'm just going
to tell you the truth. I'll never take another
black man again, you hear me? Ain't nothing I could do with one. I'm the type who like it's
okay for the man to cheat but then when you cheat and you just go and you go all the way backwards and you bring some crack in my house, crack had never been in that
house ever since I got clean in the Lord and the Lord blessed me with that house and I closed on it, that nigga was locked up. That nigga didn't put
me that goddamn house. He was in jail. He didn't even know I had
bought me a damn house. You hear me? And you bring some drugs in my house. That had me towed down for
eight months. Eight years. And my son found it cause his
feet was growing so big till he put his foot in one of them shoes and there was a pill bottle in there and that was the crack. You don't have to go
hang around other people for you to relapse on drugs. At home, by myself all the time cause he in the street
flipping around in the vehicles that I done bought. Never, even one time, did he ever ride me and our son around. Not one time. Had to have AAA Plus come and unlock the car so I could see what was in the car cause he had only one key. Found an ounce of cocaine in the trunk. You hear me? All that (indistinct)
done lead up to me being, I started being unhappy 'cause this was a man
that I was doing anything to make him happy and please him till (indistinct) I started losing and spinning out of control and not spending no
more time with the Lord. When the lady say that this
the car that be over there, somebody called me on my phone and it wasn't a lady, but it was my yard man, come down to do my yard. He said your car over there
at that house right now. I jumped in my truck. I'm a Chevrolet person, I done had 3000 GTs, 280ZX, Camaros. But it was a Tahoe. I jumped in that Tahoe and went over there and blocked my Cadillac
in that I bought for him, blocked his car in, I take that back. Blocked his car in. Then knocked on the door and let someone open the door. I had my gun license, my hand gun license. (indistinct) I took the two pistols, a 32 and a 38. I called 'em Billy Bob and Bessie. I loved hanging out at
the gun range every week with my homegirl named Stacy. She's a white girl. I like stuff like that. They went and opened the door, they cracked that door. When they cracked that door, I propped my foot up
there against that door so they couldn't close that door properly, close it. I pushed that door all the way open. I told him to bring his
motherfucking ass up outta there. I said I'm finna shoot
you in your kneecap. I thought about how he used to beat me up. I said, "Now I'm finna
shoot you in your kneecap and give you limp for
the rest of your life." He took off running down the street. He couldn't get in the car and take out 'cause I had to pull up
and block the car in. I had to talk him in to
come back and get in the car and bring the car to the house. I ain't mess with him. He came home, he want to
start packing his stuff, I let him. I let him start packing his stuff and let him leave. I sure did. He started staying at
the (indistinct) suite. That nigga left me with
every single bill there was. That nigga didn't say, "I'mma
help you on your bills." But I didn't need it anyway. But then I had done spinned out of control and started chasing after him. I stopped associating with
the Lord, you understand me? It wasn't all about the Lord no more, it was all about that dick, you hear me. When it's probably the
only dick that you fuck, you get crazy about it,
you get sprung on it too. I waited until I was
30 something years old before I let a man ever eat on me. That shit there, I be
done lock my kneecaps around a person neck. That's something I'll
never be able to handle. That probably will make me sprung, too behind a man. To let one do that to me all the time, I be done lost my mind, you hear me? That man wouldn't be able to fart for me being there to
smell it, you hear me? I'm just telling you the truth. I love being real now. I went through so much, you
can't help but to be real. To this day I call him every now and then. When it's Father's Day, I
send him a text message. He won't send none back,
he won't say nothing but he talks to my son, he talks to our son more, more than I associate with him. But his life ain't been the same 'cause he the type to give
me 150 for Mother's Day and he'll say, "What you gon' give me?" I say, "I'mma give you $1000. I'mma put it on a prepaid card so you can do whatever
you wanna do with it." The sky is the limit. When you got the Lord in your
life, the sky's the limit. When you so happy, see you don't even think
about this history. All my strength was coming from the Lord. Everything I had was coming from the Lord. Before I let him come in my life, I ain't need no man. The Lord was giving me everything I want. Everything you ask the Lord
for in a righteous way, he'll give it to you. He'll give it to you. If you ask in a righteous
way, he gon' give it to you. If I was to say, "Well let
me hit the lottery Lord." you ain't finna hit no... He ain't finna be down
with something like that but all the other day when He say he is your
shepherd, you shall not want. I made a difference in a lot
of people's lives in my family. It was like I was taking care of, I was the bread of my own house and had to be the bread at theirs. The same ones that sit up there and choose to disassociate with me because of my addiction. When they house fell into foreclosure, they called me. When one got pregnant for another man knowing you got this here man, they called me for 600 and
something for an abortion. I hope one day they all see this here, this video of me because
ain't none of it is a lie. None of it. That mother of mine, the Lord was doing me so good, I even had her on an allowance
every other week, $100. She'll ask me the same question, "What you want me to do with it?" I don't care what you do with it. Put it on one of your bills or go get something that you want to get. But if you could see how their
asses acting with me now, this time when I do grab
back on the Lord all the way, and I've been taking my baby steps. This journey going to be over with. It's gon' be over with
for me, sooner or later and I believe that. That I'mma come off this
here crack all the way. That I'mma give all of me again. This is gon' be round two, this gon' be the second time. I know what I did for me to relapse and I'll never do it
again, I learned from it. I'll never slack up at nothing
that ever got something to do with the Lord. I'mma always, no matter
how good your dick is, how good you eating, how happy... I'll never change towards the Lord. He goin' be my, I'mma make sure I keep
you in my everything 'cause I never wanna come back to this type of life ever again in life. To live like this, all I do is suffer and torture myself. He keep asking me, "How long, my child, you
goin' keep being foolish?" And I say, "You're sure right, Lord." And he'll say, "Well, act like it dear." (crying) He say, "We'll act like it dear." Cause I am being foolish. I already know what to do. I already know to grab
onto His (indistinct), come to Him for rest, I
already know He won't... Well what's taking you so long? What's taking you so long? And He right. And I can't even answer Him. I can't even answer Him. But I love the Lord. I'mma steady be in my Bible, I'mma steady quote my scriptures because when you don't, evil spirits will make
your body their home whether you want them
to be your home or not. But when you keep them words, them words is a weapon. They the sword, they the sword that go to the
armor of God, you hear me? They will flee from that. It's hard for me to grab
onto the Lord this time, and I ain't even on drugs as
bad as I was the last time but eventually I am gon' do it. I got a big reason for me coming back and visiting California. As long as you here,
I will be coming back. I'mma show you though, just like you have to show
the Lord that you love Him 'cause he's a God of action, I have to show you too that you play a big part in my life. I have to show you that. I have to show you that. And it's a reason for me to stay and to constantly to see you, there's a reason behind it and I better take heed to it. That's why the money I get from you, that's why can't none
of it go on no drugs. Can't none of it go on
no drugs, you hear me? The money I get from you, not even a penny, man. Not even a penny. You know how hard that is for me? It's hard for me not to spend none of your money on drugs but I be doing it. I be doing it. Not spending none of it
on drugs, do you hear me? I thought I couldn't do it at first. I thought I couldn't do it, but I can. It's getting easier and easier. When I leave you, I'm going over there. Ice cream make me happy,
chocolate ice cream. I'm going straight over there to get me a pint of chocolate ice cream 'cause that will make me happy. I got my clothes out the way, wash my clothes. Got them out the way. I got clean clothes, clean pajamas. All my underwear Victoria Secret. They still sending me my bills, I need to go and send
a payment in on them. My life is what I make of it. I have to try not to flock
around this here certain crowds that don't want nothing, you hear me? I'm not better than them but in order for me to change
little bit by little bit, I have to learn how to
cut some of them loose. There's some more I got
to cut loose, you hear me? And I've been cutting asses loose cause they don't mean well for me. I don't want to be looking
out for my wellbeing. It's the Lord, and maybe you. That's it. I appreciate you listening to me. Sooner or later, to talk about my life, it's not gonna hurt and
be painful to me no more. Sooner or later. Sooner or later. You hear me? - [Mark] All right Alisha. Thank you so much for talking to me again. I love listening to you. - You gon' end up being
a real good friend. You gon' be one of my good friends, you watch and see what I tell you. Mark my words. I'm claiming it in the name of Jesus. All you do is help us all day long. All of us, all of us (indistinct) you know
we be ready to fuck up, but there's (indistinct) help us. Got to try to do good. That's me. That's me. You know I want.
