Covert narcissistic mothers - What are they like?

hi everyone this is Athena from Courage coaching I hope you're all well [Music] in today's video I'm going to talk about covert narcissistic mother now this is a topic that's very close to my heart because unfortunately my own mother is a cover narcissist so this is something that I know very well and in this video I would encourage you to leave comments and maybe share your experience if you also have a narcissistic mother that is covert in nature so a covert narcissistic mother generally more withdrawn she is more introverted she prefers to do things on her own or with a closer group of friends but she does very much need the same narcissistic Supply that an overt narcissistic mother needs so a covert narcissistic mother is obviously harder to spot because she is very good at disguising her true nature and showing others that she is kind and that she's generous and she's caring people don't see what she's really like behind closed doors she does slip up from time to time but generally it's those closest to her that see the way that she behaves this type of mother has a lot of issues with her own self-esteem and she is hypersensitive to criticism she avoids taking responsibility for her actions believes that other people are responsible for her negative emotions so it's usually another person's fault that she is suffering so she blames others a lot and this is something that she does habitually she is very passive aggressive and plays the victim card quite often and she has very poor boundaries in many cases she will withhold critical information especially if she knows that this will inconvenience her in some way or if this will you know affect the quality of her life in some way so she withholds information that may be very important to others she does actually act in a very entitled manner she can be quite demanding and will expect people to do things her way so you may notice that a covert narcissistic mother will make plans to meet at a certain time or meet at a certain place you will expect everybody to cater to the way she wants things done she isn't very considerate of others and sometimes although she may say that she will meet you at a specific time she will sometimes turn up a lot earlier sometimes she says one thing but does another so covert narcissistic mothers do want attention but they generally Express this desire of attention differently to the overt narcissistic mother now in regards to her children she believes that she is entitled to her children's attention if her grown-up children for instance don't want to see their mother she will create drama she will create so much drama to the point where the child will end up feeling guilty and will see her even if they don't want to she will show that she is hurt she will Express her hard feelings by playing the victim or by getting her son or daughter to feel sorry for her and if she sees that you are unhappy about something so if she sees that you are not willing to do something she wants or aren't willing to cater to her demands she will tell you that you are inconsiderate that you are not a very good daughter or son she will make sure that you know that she is not happy if you in any way confront her she is a master at making you feel guilty and she will make sure that you see that she is way more upset than you are she uses many sabotaging behaviors she is threatened by her son or daughter's accomplishments a successful relationships marriages friendships so she needs to take her daughter her son down a notch she will find ways to plant a seed of doubt and make you doubt your own abilities your own capabilities she does not like it if her son or daughter is more accomplished than her and if she does embrace it she will make sure that she shows up at an event that you may have she will make sure that she is a part of any accomplishment and she will then show off so she will want to be part of that she will want to show that off and especially when a covert mother has a daughter she will be very envious of her doctor's accomplishments she will not like it when her daughter is happy and she also will find it uncomfortable when that daughter has a partner she will not like the fact that the new partner is influencing her daughter and that she doesn't have a say in her daughter's life and isn't able to control her daughter as well anymore so she will not be happy about that she will make sure that her daughter knows that she disapproves generally I would say that most could've hurt narcissistic mothers are very immature and they do have a type of meltdown that you sometimes see in children if things do not go their way so like I said earlier they will create a lot of drama covert narcissistic mothers also find it a lot of fun to antagonize others or to create hostility for instance amongst siblings so she will find ways to use one sibling against the other so she isn't comfortable with her children leading successful happy lives and having a good relationship with each other especially if one of those two siblings do not want to relationship with a narcissistic mother the reality is that the covert narcissistic mother isn't happy with herself she doesn't really like herself very much but she will portray to others that she is actually very competent a narcissistic mother can be very vindictive towards others and because she is entitled because she does believe that she deserves a special treatment she will expect that from others in relationships she will be quite controlling of her partner and will not tolerate certain behaviors she will want her partner to cater to her needs mostly her needs I would like to say through my own experience that my mother has been quite envious in the past or has tried to sabotage a lot of positive happy moments in my life and has tried to make me doubt myself has tried to derail certain situations like you know relationships or um studying if I wanted to study something and further my education so I could improve myself she would find things to say to dissuade me from this she would say a lot of things that weren't very supportive and another thing you will notice is that having a mother like this you probably never felt comforted by your mother because in a way she is an empty shell of a person like she obviously loves her children in her own way but she isn't capable of unconditional love she isn't capable of of properly nurturing her children she finds it difficult to connect and I have to be honest I I never felt comforted by my mum's hugs and I never understood why as a child I never understood why I felt this this emptiness um and I actually found this feeling of comfort in other people more than I did in my own mother which is actually quite a sad thing but unfortunately this is part of it another thing I noticed is that cover mom's like interrupting you so you may be Midstream in the middle of a sentence and she'll interrupt you if she's lost interest or if she doesn't want to continue the conversation or she doesn't want to listen to what you have to say she will interrupt you or change the subject very quickly and also in my experience my mum has very selective Amnesia when it comes to certain things that happened in the past so she never remembers things the way I do she always um you know says that I remember things wrong and of course there was a hell of a lot of gaslighting so cover mothers are very very good at gas lighting and changing the narrative and changing the story and saying that things didn't happen that way and then you end up feeling very crazy and and you're not sure what to think and you've you're left in this constant state of confusion and cognitive dissonance and um many different things that have happened in your life right and also lastly I'd like to say that covert narcissistic mothers crave so much attention from their children that the children become either parentified so the child almost steps into the role of the mother and actually ends up looking after the mother and the mother's needs and her emotional needs um instead of the way it should be the mother looking after the children's um because she's also very immature and she maybe didn't get her needs met in her childhood the child actually becomes the caregiver in many ways or the friend or the psychologist so there's a lot of enmeshment in a relationship with a covert narcissistic mother and her child so enmeshment parentification and in some cases infantilization as well it sort of depends she tries to keep the child weak she doesn't encourage the child to grow to study she doesn't want the child to leave home she clings on to the child and wants it to be dependent on her wants to keep the child close to home so she can control the child so yeah that is a covert narcissistic mother in a nutshell and like I said a lot of what I've said is also from my own personal experience but I would really love to hear your experience so please feel free to share in the comments below give this video a thumbs up if you found it useful and please don't forget to subscribe to my channel and please feel free to share this video um to see if maybe there's anyone that may find it useful or helpful in any way thank you so much for watching and for listening and I will see you very soon take care bye thank you

Channel: Courage Coaching

Views: 135,897

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Id: CgSBPKHwc7c

Length: 12min 27sec (747 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 26 2022