<i> [Orna]
Suddenly, like, the...</i> <i> enormity of their stories
just, like, is sitting with me-</i> -[Virginia] Mm-hm.
-[Orna] Like, in a... <i> I- I don't know, it feels
like I need a lot of...</i> <i> heart and head space
to kind of hold it all</i> -and like-
-[Virginia] Absolutely. <i> [Orna] do something
with it, and...</i> <i> really overwhelming
sense of responsibility.</i> <i> ♪airy ambient
music♪</i> [Orna] What are your
plans with the pregnancy? -I don't know.
-Yeah. I think we're gonna
wait a good while. -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-Yeah. it's- it's gonna... it's gonna be a bit. I think we- I think we wanna sit- [Orna]
Mm-hm. and enjoy
where we're at- -Just-
-for a little bit. Let the freakin' dust
settle. [laughs] -Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah, and- and kind
of play it by ear. Where are you, Sarah? I think I'm still dealing
with, like, a little bit of... I don't even know,
honestly. Confliction, guilt, or feeling like I should
feel differently. [sniffs] [sighs] I think I just felt so much
conviction about it. -Mm-hm.
-[Sarah] And I felt so ready. And I felt... like, uh... [crying] it was all
gonna happen. And...this is great
where we're at, I'm super-excited and
I'm super-proud of us -for doing this work.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. But it still feels a little
bit like loss, somehow. [Orna]
Of course. [sniffs] I think I am... mourning this, uh-
[scoffs] like, heteronormative
way of getting pregnant? Yeah. And I don't think
I've ever felt -envy like that before.
-[Orna] Yeah. Where it's rage- -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-but quieter. [laughs] And... -really ugly-
-[Orna] Yeah. -and really...
-[Orna] Yeah, a very particular color. -Uh-huh.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. Um-
[sighs] and I think I'm just mourning
that that's not an option- -[Orna] Yeah.
-for us. -Mm-hm.
-[Sarah] And I think, for so long,
I assumed... -a hetero life-
-Mm-hm. [Sarah]
And, um... that it would be this
sort of surprise of like, "Oh, my god,
we got pregnant. -How did this happen?
-[Orna] Mm-hm. It's crazy."
[laughs] Um, and just that
it has to be so... -[Orna] Intentional.
-Intentional. -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-I think that's- and- I- I love
intentionality. -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-But this is the one thing that I'm like, -"Motherfucker- [laughs]
-[Orna] Mm-hm. Why? Why this? This sucks." -Any- any-
-[Lauren] Yeah. thoughts? Reaction? I do feel a bit
of guilt in the relief... in a certain way
that I have. Like, "Oh, like, now
we do get to, like, -have a little more time-
-[Orna] Mm-hm. here in this really... like, lovely time
period that we're in." We planned, like,
three trips- -[Lauren] Yeah.
-like, right after we found out -we didn't get pregnant.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. We were like, "Okay, so we're
going to Italy next summer." -[laughs] Like-
-[Orna] Mm-hm. Like, it's gonna be- like, I'm really
excited -for the next few years.
-I am, too. On the intentionality
piece of it, that doesnt really affect
me as much, I guess. It's frustrating that
it's going to be, like, a medical procedure that, like,
you're gonna have to go under. And that's- that's
really scary. But... like, at the
same time, I felt like I've known
that for a really long time and I've
accepted it- Would you feel
differently, though, if it was your body? I mean, I've gone
through plenty of surgeries at
this point. I don't think it really
phases me anymore. At this point, I'm
kind of like, "Oh, that's part of
the journey." [laughs]
You're right. [laughs] Like,
right, it's like, "Oh, major life change?
Surgery. -Yeah.
-You're gonna get- -Great!
-You're getting married? Oh, so you're going in
for surgery?" [laughs] Yeah, [laughs] I- I
assume there's some surgical component
of this. [laughter] Yeah. And now, we're
coming up on two years of
marriage in January. Yeah. -And five years together.
-I know. -It's pretty good!
-[Orna] Mm-hm. That's not nothin'. -[Orna] That's not nothin'.
-No. <i> ♪soft emotional
music♪</i> There's, like, this. [inaudible] <i> ♪♪♪</i> Yeah, it's, like, humans aren't made
to live in New York. It does weird
things to you. You walk into the subway
and someone's, like, on the ground,
and, like, your first instinct is
to walk over them? [Sarah]
I know. <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> [Orna]
The kind of...</i> <i> dilemmas or conflicts
that couples have...</i> <i> -most of them, I relate to.
-[Virginia] Right.</i> <i> [Orna] I've been
on one side or...</i> <i> both sides of the
conflict myself.</i> <i> I mean most of the time
it doesnt feel like,</i> <i> "Oh, I don't understand
what they're talking about."</i> <i> I know what they're talking
about 'cause I've been there.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> [Orna] Do you... wish that Evelyn said... "I really wanna try
to work on this?" Yeah. [Orna] How would
you feel if she said, "I really wanna
work on this"? I would be a 110 percent
willing to do that. [Orna]
Mm-hm. <i> [Orna] I'm teetering back and
forth between feeling like,</i> <i> "Of course they
should break up-"</i> [Virginia]
Yup. and feeling like, "What am I, crazy? -The- I- I- I-
-[Virginia] Mm. I should help them give
it another real try." A real shot. And why did
you feel... you shouldn't give up on them
when they were giving up? Because I felt like
they're both ambivalent and I was siding
with the giving up. I feel like I have a lot
of power over them. So, when I... orient towards... "Try it," they're
like, "Okay- -Yeah.
-We're going with you." -Yeah.
-Like, they're- they're like- Yeah. [Orna]
Um... so that's a
little scary. You know, he took on the<i>
role in the couple of, like,</i> <i> the one that hides
and conceals</i> <i> -and is kind of evasive.
-[Virginia] Yeah.</i> <i> [Orna] Because he always
feels like he's failing her.</i> <i> She didn't understand
his resentment until</i> <i> he was able to
finally say to her...</i> <i> how much he is working
to please her.</i> <i> I think that made
a change for her.</i> <i> So, I don't know how
this is gonna play out.</i> -[Orna] Hi.
-[both] Hi. [laughs] [Orna]
How are you two? -Good.
-We're good. We've been
communicating more. We've been, um- like, we try to meditate
as often as possible. -[Orna] You do?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -To get, yeah-
-We've been- we've been- she got me into it. -[Orna] Oh!
-Yeah. [laughs] And we've been,
um... doing it together. Yeah. [Alan] So, we've been,
like, following, like, kind of like a
reprogramming kind of it- -Breaking the patterns of-
-Yeah, breaking patterns and trying to, like... kind of like move- like, "let go of
the past," like... kind of stuff. -Just trying to-
-Try- trying to break bad habits-
[laughter] -Wow.
-[Alan] that, yeah, may be affecting us. I, uh... I feel like what
you mentioned... last week about... the difference in
our approaches. Like... what she's trying
to build on, I'm- I'm going reverse or- -Mm-hm.
-[Alan] doing this dance -and I was like-
-Yeah. You know, I think
I had just... helped me... step back and reflect. And, like, you know, putting
myself in the very position that I don't want to be in
by the way I'm doing things. -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-So- Meaning you're
weakening -the relationship.
-[Alan] Correct. And then, you're looking
at it and you're saying, "It looks weak." [Alan]
Yeah. And, like,
it's just, like... you know, a- -a vicious cycle-
-Mm-hm. where it's like
I'm never- -"I can't trust it."
-[Alan] Yeah. I'm not even- So, I'm not even giving
her an opportunity... -or for us to, like-
-[Orna] Yes. -get something right-
-[Orna] Yes. -because I'm so standoffish-
-[Orna] Right. about the way
things have been. That's big. -So-
-No, that's huge. -Um-
-[Orna] Mm-hm. I've noticed
the change even in him from
last week. Just- you know, just him
being more open to... like, listening
to me, and... I don't think he
realized, like, how- how that was
really happening. [Orna] Ho-
how guarded- -How guarded he was.
-[Orna] Alans been, yeah. Yeah- no, no, I- <i> -You know-
-I didn't. I just-</i> -Yeah.
-It's- it's almost like I put -blame on her-
-[Orna] Yeah. and I've been, like,
defensive towards her. So almost like... I- maybe in...
some ways I felt like I made
up my mind. Like, maybe I didn't
want to go. I didn't want
to save... -the relationship.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. J- it's the same
thing with me, -you know?
-[Orna] Mm-hm. Whenever I would feel like
anything had to do with trust, I would go back
and think about the times that he's done
these things to me where... I felt like, "Well, this is an example
of why I can't trust you. Like, out of all
these things," -you know.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. Yeah. [Evelyn] Not realizing that
I'm actually triggering Alan to, like, more stress. You know, I do... want us to move
forward and I- You know, I would
like to take things... a step at a time. Like, I- I just don't want
to make any more... rash decisions... with us... anymore. [Evelyn]
Neither do I. I love you.
You know that. -I'm learning more about that.
-[laughs] <i> ♪slow acoustic
strumming♪</i> <i> [Orna] People do
better with the truth</i> <i> than without it.</i> <i> People underestimate
themselves and...</i> <i> spend unnecessary energy
protecting themselves</i> <i> from truths</i> <i> that they fear
will kill them.</i> <i> And actually will make
them stronger</i> <i> and make them
happier.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> People want
to do better.</i> <i> It's not very difficult to
find underneath the...</i> <i> heavy...</i> <i> crust of, like, resentment
and fight to-</i> <i> to find...</i> <i> the wish to repair and
the wish to love.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> [Virginia] We're very highly
confident when people come</i> <i> and sit down on
that couch</i> <i> that between all our techniques
and our life of wisdom...</i> <i> [Orna] We can find
the solution.</i> <i> [Virginia] Yeah, we could
find the solutions, but-</i> -[Orna] It's not always true.
-not always. -[Orna] Yeah.
-Absolutely, not always. [Orna]
Yeah. Couples come to
us, almost always, when they're in the
middle of a crisis. There- so, there is a sense of
emergency and urgency. With individuals, you
don't have the feeling like "If I don't get
this right now- -Mm-hm.
-[Virginia] there'll be a catastrophe." But that's not true in
couples work. If I don't get that
right now, -there could be a catastrophe.
-Right. [Virginia] They could break
up when they shouldn't- Right. Right. [Virginia] Because I
wasn't fast enough to see a certain
something. You know, one couple
dropped out? Annie and Mau? <i> ♪groovy
music♪</i> [Annie] "Cardigans
for your comfort." That should be, um- that should be a-
a thing. [laughs] <i> [Orna] When they
decided to quit early, it-</i> <i> it was like a continuation
of how I felt</i> <i> with them all along.</i> <i> Which is...</i> <i> always one step
behind.</i> <i> They're- they're...</i> <i> symbiotic.</i> <i> They complete each
others sentences.</i> <i> They don't have to
even say one word</i> <i> and they know what
each other are thinking.</i> <i> They've already had
an argument,</i> <i> like, the whole argument,
in two words.</i> <i> And I'm like,</i> <i> "What just happened?"
[laughs]</i> Can the two of you
explain that to me? -[Annie] No.
-[laughs] Wh-... No. <i> [Orna] If she really
wanted to leave,</i> <i> she doesnt need
his permission.</i> <i> She doesnt need
him to understand</i> <i> that she needs to leave.
She would just leave.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> It's funny because it looks
like he has so much control,</i> <i> right?
Hes so...</i> <i> domineering on
the surface.</i> <i> But she has all the power
in there to decide.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> And it's up to her whether shes
gonna grow in the relationship,</i> <i> or if she's gonna
have to, like...</i> <i> break out.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> ♪quiet emotional
music♪</i> You know, your
partner always... <i> pauses a certain
challenge to you</i> of, like... <i> there's another way
of seeing things.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> But tha- that's like</i>
a constant irritant. <i> Accumulating a long
history with someone,</i> <i> like, really
knowing them...</i> <i> and finding a way to
continue loving them...</i> <i> despite whatever
comes your way</i> <i> that might...</i> <i> make it difficult
for you.</i> <i> I mean, there's enormous
growth and beauty in that.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> -Hello.
-[unintelligible] [Elaine]
How are you? -[Desean] Hey.
-[Orna] Hi. [Elaine]
[unintelligible] I never told you
something, actually, when Desean
and I met. We work together. And... someone at the job
was telling me how cute Desean was. And... I was like,
"Oh, my god, yeah, he's so good-looking." And, um... we met. And I felt... like, this thing in
my stomach and this whole
reaction... -to me.
-[Orna] Mm-hm. [Elaine] And I was
like, "Oh, my god" -in my head.
-Mm-hm. At the time,
I was married. [Orna]
Mm-hm. I went home to my
then-husband. I was like, "I met
this guy. Oh, my goodness,
he's so great and he's so fanta-..." Not- -not realizing-
-[Orna] Not knowing what you're saying. Not be- but it wa- it just struck me
the way that it did. It wasn't like, "Oh, my god,
I'm gonna marry him." That- that- it
was just here- I...felt him. And, uh, so
I need to... m- make that a
constant for me. How are you doing? She is very in-tune
with...me. [Orna]
Mm-hm. But the funny
thing is... I- I don't understand
why we... constantly get into
the disagreements -or these ar-
-Well, I- I have some thoughts
about it. But I'm actually more
curious to know what do you
guys think? I mean, based on
what we've done here... It comes from
the lack of trust. Not really y- [Orna] From your
lack of trust. Correct. Not really toward you, but just in general. And so, like
she said, my- my- my pictures are painted
with these colors. -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-Right? And so- but I've developed
new colors. So, I'm excited
about that. But the part that
is yours, yes, it has to do with
your mistrust. [Elaine]
Mm-hm. And that you
project that on. [clears throat] But there's a part
that is yours, Desean, that we'r- we didn't
do enough work with. You are... extremely, full-heartedly
committed... -to Elaine, right?
-Yes. [Orna] You're there.
You're solid. -You're- you're there.
-Yeah. [Orna] But you have
parts of you that are... more tucked away- [Desean]
Yeah. The way you kind of
manage your anger. And it comes out,
it leaks out in all sorts
of ways... that... -trigger, Elaine.
-Yeah. [Orna] So, it's not just
Elaine's projections. -Hmm.
-[Orna] It- it's parts of you that you don't...
completely own... that have the affect
on the two of you, too. Coming into this... I- I wanted- I wanted us to have
this- this therapy. But I wanted it
more for you, right? I felt, coming
into this... I- I don't have,
you know, major issues and
it's all her and... she'll see once we
get in there and- -[Orna] Mm-hm.
-we start talking about this stuff.
But... there was a- a major
turning point for me that, uh... allowed me to... get rid of all
of the, um... the resentment
and- and... ill will that
I came in... um, for her. -Damn. Ill will.
-Uh, uh, it was- it- yeah, it- it was
at one point where... just one day before,
I was ready to... call it quits and
"I'm done." And then, the
next day, through, you know,
the sessions, um... I had this sort of... realization that... I said to her-
I said to her- I said, "You need to
listen to me right now. You- the- the words that are
about to come out of my mouth, you- you need to
really listen." And- and it had to do
with her trusting me. And letting her
know that I... got you. And I'm- yeah,
I'm- So, you know,
I'm gonna leave... you know, um... going forward with
the feeling that... we're unbreakable,
you know. -Nothing can come between us.
-[laughs] It's, you know... And that's a good
place to be. [Orna]
Mm-hm. Yeah. <i> ♪soft emotional
music♪</i> <i> [Orna] I mean, sometimes
you get to witness people</i> <i> just really...</i> <i> transcend.</i> <i> Like they- they just
kind of...</i> <i> you know, phoenix rising.</i> <i> That they just find this,
like, incredible spirit</i> <i> and they...</i> <i> do better than the cards
they were dealt.</i> <i> ♪♪♪</i> [Alan]
Bye. <i> ♪♪♪</i> -Take care.
-[Orna] Take care. Thank you so much. <i> ♪♪♪</i> [sighs] [kiss] [kiss] -[Elaine] [laughs]
-Thank you so much. Appreciate everything
youve done for us. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Thank you. I appreciate you
sincerely. Thank you. <i> ♪♪♪</i> <i> [Orna] We know each other.
We care about each other.</i> <i> [Virginia]
Yeah.</i> <i> [Orna] But we know that
this relationship is not...</i> gonna be there later
once it's over. <i> You have to say goodbye
and- and you have no...</i> <i> claim.</i> That they go on
with their lives. [Virginia]
Yeah. And I'm like- -I'm left with-
-[Virginia] Well- a none- -[Virginia] Yeah.
-with a void that they leave. [Virginia]
Yeah. you will turn out
to be another thing that happened
in their lives. Yeah. And they are... -the whole and only thing.
-Yes. -[Virginia] That was it.
-Yeah. Yeah. It's such a bizarre
profession. So bizarre.
[scoffs] [Virginia]
Mm-hm. <i> ♪airy
synths♪</i> -Hi.
-[Adeline] Adeline. Chris. -Hi.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Hi. [Jessica] Hi,
I'm Jessica. -Jessica.
-[Jessica] Pleased to meet you. Aww. -Hello.
-Hi. -[laughs] Hi.
-How are you? -Hi.
-Hi. Christine, Aaron? -Yeah.
-Yes. [Orna]
Come in. -[Christine] How are you?
-[Orna] Hi, I'm Orna. So... talk to me. <i> ♪I'm just
noise♪</i> <i> ♪To your finely
pierced ears♪</i> <i> ♪Oh I'm just the other thing
that once brought you to tears♪</i> <i> ♪You wanted me to love
you now you got that♪</i> <i> ♪Oh it's a bore♪</i> <i> ♪Want me to adore you
now you got that♪</i> <i> ♪But you never
wanted more♪</i> <i> ♪No, I won't be there
when it comes time♪</i> <i> ♪That you want
me to stay ♪</i> <i> ♪Well, I'll
move♪</i> <i> ♪Yeah, I'll
move♪</i> <i> ♪'Cause I'm not
moved anymore♪</i> <i> ♪Yeah, you
push♪</i> <i> ♪And I
pull♪</i> <i> ♪'Til we're in pieces
on the floor♪</i> <i> ♪Yeah, I'll
move♪</i> <i> ♪I'll move
on♪</i> <i> ♪When I'm not
moved anymore♪</i> <i> ♪'Cause you won't
know what love is♪</i> <i> ♪Until you've
touched me♪</i>
