♪♪ -JCPenney doesn't have aisles. They have, uh... demilitarized zones. [ Laughter ] Maryland legalized marijuana,
and we made a joke. The joke was, finally there was
something to do in Maryland. Well, Marylanders
responded in force. I think they were just happy to have something to do. [ Laughter ] I was told to visit Ocean City. I was told Maryland has
the best aquarium, the best seafood spice rub, and the best state flag. I looked up the state flag. This is the Maryland state flag. Pretty cool. So cool, I asked
if it wanted to hang out, and it said it couldn't, because it's too busy. [ Laughter ] We said the midterms were
less of a red wave and more of a Red Wedding, if Donald Trump showed up
as a dragon and burned it all to a crisp. A lot of Throners out there
told me that, you know, there wasn't a dragon
at the Red Wedding. But if Donald Trump
was a dragon, which he was in our analogy, I think he would show up whether or not
he was supposed to be there. This is a man who shows up to
weddings uninvited all the time. We've established that
about him. [ Sighing ] Also, I try
to really hammer this home -- when I'm speaking as Trump, I would just invite you
not to correct errors there, because I'm speaking
as Trump would. [ Laughter ] So, as Trump, I referred
to Frankenstein, and a lot of you said, "Frankenstein's monster." That would be so jarring if that was a detail
Donald Trump got right. [ Laughter ] This is a man who once referred
to Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, as Tim Apple. That's not a guy who says [as Trump] Frankenstein's
monster, of course. [ Laughter ] The correct way to say it. The great Mary Shelley. [ Laughter ] Married to Percy Bysshe Shelley, my favorite of the Romantics. I get romantic
just thinking about him. [ Laughter ] "Ozymandias" -- that's a poem. My favorite two lines -- "My name is Ozymandias,
king of kings -- Look on my works, ye Mighty,
and despair!" The only two lines
I've ever read of the poem. Pretty good message there. Put your name on stuff
and they'll never forget you. [ Laughter ] [Normal voice] Oh. We talked about
if Donald Trump was on "American Ninja Warrior." And I will say,
our graphics department went above and beyond. There was some confusion. And we just wanted them to take
a cutout photo of Trump and do this animation,
but they actually made it look like a video game. It's wonderful. But some of you
had issues with it. Let's take a look, and then the rest of you
can guess while you're watching what the issue was
from the jackals. Let's take a look. [ Video game sound effects ] The criticism? "He wouldn't make two!" [ Laughter ] It's so hot.
Are you hot today in here? [ Laughter ] Um, alright. So, we said we brought
a gopher in for a photo shoot, but the gopher wouldn't
drink a beer because he was a Mormon. That was an error of mine. He wasn't a Mormon -- he was a marmot. [ Laughter ] And he did say it, but they
are hard to understand 'cause there's... when they talk, the gap
in their front teeth makes like a whistling sound. [ Laughter ] Marmot, if you don't know, are large ground squirrels who eat berries,
lichens, and moss, but don't drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. It's not religious,
it's just like, where are they gonna get it? Speaking of that, while discussing the gopher,
I was very unprofessional last week during "Corrections." I started laughing very hard. I couldn't complete a sentence. And that's not what
"Corrections" is about. [ Laughter ] What happened was, I sort of played out in my head what would go down if our security guys, Jim
and John, would have to escort a drunk gopher
out of the building. And then I -- in my head,
I thought it would be funny if Jim said, "Look out
for his teeth." Now... [ Laughter ] ...why that became
really funny to me -- and I'm trying not to let that
happen this minute -- Jim and John are exceptional
security guards. Exceptional. With that said... that's not their best skill. Their best skill is
busting each other's balls. [ Laughter ] And I know from history
that if a gopher bit John, Jim would never let him
[bleep] forget about it. Every day, I'd be walking
downstairs with them and Jim would say, like,
"I'm gonna go out first, make sure there's no gophers
there for John." [ Laughter ] "John asked me to" -- [ Laughing ] "John wants me to go
check for gophers first." [ Laughter ] And then John would --
John would love telling you. If a gopher bit John... "I'll tell you,
those teeth, Seth." [ Laughter ] "Went right through my pant leg! Two holes." [ Laughter ] "I told you to look out
for his teeth." [ Laughter ] It's -- It is --
No, it is hot. You don't think? [ Laughter ] Oh, this was a nice comment. "My wife hates you and hates the 'Corrections' vids even more than
your usual stuff." All I will say is... she sounds like a keeper. [ Laughter ] Uh, we referred to
an Italian fashion designer as Bruno Cucinelli. That was incorrect. His name is Bruno Cucinelli's monster. [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] Brunello. And this is one where everybody in the r-- So, Emily,
our "Closer Look" producer, who is really
on these sort of things and is certainly,
on the surface, the most fashionable of everybody who works
in that room -- this was one
she should've caught. And I think she feels terrible
about it. We're not gonna beat her up
on it, but, like, you can't ask,
like, Shoemaker... When you ask Shoemaker about,
like, luxury shoe designers, he's like, "Florsheim." [ Laughter ] "I got one sayin' about shoes. The ceiling is Florsheim." [ Laughter ] And then Sal has to pretend
like he doesn't know 'cause he's secret rich and he
doesn't want, like, you know... [ Laughter ] Oh, my God, the hoops
that Sal goes through to be secret rich is so... I mean, we all have to,
like, pretend like, "Oh, here comes Sal in his
Mets hat and New Balance shoes." [ Laughter ]
But he's got, like -- Like, he's got this Gristedes
bag he carries around with him and then, like, you look and
it's, like, Ferragamo shoes, Omega watch. Um, we said Obama -- if Obama was at the top
of Mount Everest, he would be wearing shades
and smoking a cigarette. Here's the photo Graphics made. Now, you might note, the weird thing about being
at the top of Mount Everest would be the big ol' mountain
behind it that's taller. [ Laughter ] [ Sniffs ] Um... We said, um... Scollins made a joke
about, uh... There was a -- someone
broke a world record by making the world's largest
sushi roll -- sushi roll, excuse me -- and then we said,
"Now the bad news," and showed a picture of Shamu. Orcas are mammals,
so they wouldn't be good -- this is what you guys told me. They wouldn't be good for sushi. They'd be good for,
like, a tartare. Also, Shamu died in the '70s. [ Light laughter ] Jonestown. [ Laughter ] So hot. [ Laughter ] Maybe the gopher, like... Could the gopher have, like,
chewed through the cord to the AC? [ Laughter ] I mean, I don't think I'm crazy. Do you think I'm crazy? Ahh. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] What else, what else? [ Laughter ] Oh, I know why I'm hot. I did 50 push-ups. [ Laughter ]
