♪♪ Well, it's been two weeks,
and we're just going to hit the ground running. Right before the break, I played
a southern lawyer pretty well, and we showed a picture
of a lawyer in a bolo tie. And many of you reached out
and said a bolo tie would be more accurate for
a western or a southwestern lawyer. A bow tie would have been
more appropriate for a southern lawyer. And I do believe it was
southern lawyers who were upset about this because
most of the comments began, "I take umbrage!" The amount...of umbrage. Oh, so, obviously, we all know
that Mike Lindell got his cell phone seized
at Hardy's. And so in yesterday's
Closer Look, we basically said, "What's next?
Is he going to get his camera seized
at Carl's Jr.?" Hardee's and Carl's Jr.,
they have the same ownership. Minnesota only has a Hardee's. There wouldn't be a Carl's Jr.
there. And the bummer about this is... And it bothers me.
And you saw it. You heard it, Shoemaker.
We -- I have a producer on A Closer Look, Emily. She has a great attention
to detail. And I heard her tell Sal
we're going to hear from the jackals about this
if you put it in. But, Sal, he just couldn't
care less. I mean, he couldn't care less
because Sal, who does -- by the way, does a great job
with A Closer Look. I have no complaints
about his effort, but when he turns it in,
he checks out. I mean, he slaps it --
he just slaps it on the desk, walks out of the building,
gets in his car service, goes right to the marina,
gets in his boat. [ Laughter ] The Hotel Salifornia,
he takes it down. Takes it downtown, meets
all his Wall Street buddies as they're getting -- like, they
walk out of the trading floor and Sal's just waiting there,
like Wolf of Wall Street. Leo DiCaprio. Big, big --
He's got a wrap-around steps on his, like, boat. And he's like, "Hey, gentlemen." And they're like, "Sally, did
you fight the plutocracy today?" And he's like, "[Laughs] They're
paying my bills, fellas." [ Laughter ] We showed this and we referred to it
as Jigsaw from the movie "Saw." This is Billy the Puppet
from the movie "Saw," not the killer, Jigsaw. This is a photo of Jigsaw. [ Laughter ] Also this, I referred to this
as a quarter moon. It's a waning -- you can
call it a waning or a crescent. Sorry, a waning
or a waxing crescent moon. You can, of course, also call it the last thing you see as the life
is being choked out of you. [ Laughter ] I did an impression
of a 19th-century dandy choosing a Charleston Chew
as his treat. And they said you couldn't -- that wouldn't happen because
the Charleston Chew wasn't invented
until the 20th century, in 1925. But bear with me.
What if you were a 19th century dandy in England, and as a child, you know,
you would get excited about candy, sweets. And then, you know, life takes
you in a different path. You take a steamship to America,
try to make your way there. You're older now, but still,
you're in your youth. You were a dandy.
And now it's 1925, and there's been a breakthrough
in the confectionery... industries, and you're presented
with a Charleston Chew. Isn't it possible, like the film
"Ratatouille," as you oft reference, Shoemaker. That that moment of seeing it
would bring you back to your 19th century? You'd be like,
"Whoo-hoo! [Laughs]" [ Laughter ] Use your imagination --
sometimes -- We can a lot of the work here,
but we'd love if you could use your
imagination for a little bit. [ Laughter ] I mimed someone doing --
giving -- doing CPR
and giving mouth to mouth. I was told you don't do mouth
to mouth during CPR anymore, just compressions. So thanks, cancel culture. [ Laughter ] That brings me to this point. Someone wrote they did not
care for Corrections. [ Laughter ] They had multiple comments
about it, which meant they didn't care for it
and stuck it out. At one point, they wrote,
"There are five people in the audience. Wow.
All that wokeness is paying off, huh, Seth?" [ Laughter ] Look, you can feel how you want
to feel about Corrections, but the idea that we want it
to be full and can only get five people
because it's too woke? [ Laughter ] Uh, yeah. [ Laughter ] And we showed
this photo of a gopher. And then a couple of minutes
later we said -- we basically said a fellow was
trying to catch a gopher, and then the gopher stole
his beer, and we showed a photo of this. And someone said. "Hey,
not to be the person who knows a bunch about animals,
but that might very well be a gopher, but that's
definitely a woodchuck." So here's what happened. Okay? You know, we write A Closer Look
and then, you know, obviously, these jokes go in, and then we reach out
to our talent booker and we're like,
"We need a gopher." And so we bring in this gopher,
and he comes in, crushes it. He was great. Did exactly
what we needed him to do. And then we're like, "Alright, now you got
to hold the beer." And he was like,
"Oh. Like, I'm a Mormon."
And we were like, "What?" [ Laughter ] And we were like,
"It's not even full of beer." And he's like, "Yeah, but I got
kids and, you know..." We were like, "Oh, no.
Obviously, we respect that." And so, we were like,
"We're going to obviously have to bring somebody else in." And he's like, "[ Sighs ] Are you going to have to
use them for the first picture? Because I told a lot of people
I was going to be on tonight." [ Laughter ] And we're like,
"No, we can still use you for the first picture because
it's not like some psychopath is going to be watching
and be like, 'Uh.'" This guy, on the other hand,
came in and kept drinking them. [ Laughter ] It was not a good scene. [ Laughter ] When John and Jim were
hauling him out. "Look out for his teeth!" [ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] The whole rest of the week,
every time... [ Laughter ] Every time I walked into
the office, I can't do it.
[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] Someone said, "I missed when
Amber was there during Corrections because
I loved hearing her laugh." Oh, she's still here. [ Laughter ] Someone wrote,
"I'm a foreign viewer, and this whole time, I thought
the Mets and the Jets were the same thing." [ Laughter ] They're very different,
but the usage is similar. Like, if you're ever visiting
New York and you say "Mets, amiright?" Works the same with Jets. [ Laughter ] Oh, so during last week's
Correction, at one point I said, "Hey, can you..."
Oh. There was a sound effect,
and I wanted there to be lightning and then
the thunder -- the thunder sound effect,
excuse me. And then after it played,
I said, "They wouldn't play the lightning sound effect." And a lot of you guys said,
"Well, there wouldn't be -- You mean thunder sound effect? There's no lightning
sound effect." And what happened was I did
want a thunder sound effect, but I accidentally
said lightning. Not then, earlier in the day,
I said to Alex, "Hey, will you play me
a lightning sound effect?" And he said, "Sure thing." And then it happened
and there was no sound effect. And then I went to him and said,
"Why no sound effect?" And he said, "You asked for
a lightning sound effect. And there isn't one." [ Laughter ] And I was like, "So you thought
I wanted nothing?" [ Laughter ] And he just stared at me. [ Laughter ] They yell, "Go easy on him!"
[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] We talked about when you see
like ye old curiosity shoppe, you shouldn't say "ye,"
you should say "the" old, because there was a letter back
in the day called a thorn, and it was close to a "Y," and the thorn
was the sound "Th." When you say "Y-E" in "ye," it's
actually "T-H-E, the." and many of you pointed out that
if "Y" is pronounced "Th," that means that Kanye's new name
isn't Ye, but The. Which is, of course,
short for The Antisemitic. [ Laughter ] [Autotuned] ♪ Why you got to be
so heartless? ♪ [ Laughter ] I'm taken aback
at how well that worked. [ Laughter ] One week, you're getting
no thunder sound effect. Mike Nesmith's mom,
from The Monkeys, did not -- I said she invented WiteOut. She invented Liquid Paper. WiteOut was invented by
a woman named Barbara Dolans. [ Laughter ] [Autotuned] ♪ Cheer up,
sleepy -- ♪ [ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Oh. Well. [ Whoops ] Hold on. So this is pretty cool. Uh... Someone sent in --
alright, hold on. How I am going to do this
and not give it away? Alright, so, someone sent to our
new P.O. Box a note that said, "For a while,
it seemed like Wally Was getting all the fan art."
Which was true. We've shown a fair amount
of Wally fan art. "I didn't want there
to be a weird monopoly where there was this gold
sitting right there." With this whole run up,
I thought it was going to be fan art -- me fan art.
Right? Because there's been too much,
Wally, and you know, it is my show.
And, but it was -- Look at the Scollins fan art. [ Laughter ] T.J.. Thank you, T.J.,
for doing this. He also said, "Also, I mocked up
an actual sleeveless shirt if the merch store runs out
of Jackal mugs." So I'm wondering
if this is -- you would get this printed on a tank top. I think that would be
pretty cool. But then I should know there's
a -- This is wonderful,
and I hope Pim, I think, is the name
of the artist for this, from Thailand
sent this painting of me. How great is that? And I'm really --
I'm really touched by this. And it got a very --
a very lovely compliment. I brought this home
and I showed my wife and she said the sweetest thing. She said, "You should keep
that at the office." [ Laughter ] Guess she sees enough of my mug.
[ Laughs ] And then you guys, I mean,
we have talked about this, but we have our P.O. Box
and we -- it's just there's a lot of -- we are getting
a lot of postcards. And as I told you,
that is a legal problem because this is -- look at this,
this stack alone, that's just Europe. I mean, it's amazing,
what we're getting. This is so --
Look at that. You know,
that's Washington Square Park. [ Laughter ] The Loch Ness monster.
That's so exciting. Malta?! Are you kidding me, Malta?
They're coming in from all over. But like I said,
there's a problem, because I guess
I should not have said we're going to do a postcard
drawing because of that. Due to the legal rules -- According to legal department,
that is a problematic thing, and we might be in the jackpot,
so to speak. But then I talked to the legal
team, who are not kind people, and also I try not to call them
because every time I do, they bill me.
But I said, "Well, wait, hold on. I have an idea.
Because, you know, the thing is, all I said was, like, send them
in and then I'm going to do a postcard drawing." And then I realized maybe there
is a way out of this. Maybe legally,
I could just do -- I could just do this. I could just like -- what if I
did a drawing of a postcard? [ Laughter ] We'll see.
But again, you have to -- Here's the thing
that I really want to stress. You got
to stop sending postcards because it's a problem for me.
It's legal exposure. So just forget You ever heard
P.O. Box 4748, New York, New York, 10185. Because it has not been
good for me. [ Laughter ] Go easy on John, though. [ Bleep ]. [ Laughter ] You guys, I am really happy
to be back with you, and I really do hope
that you all see me next week.
