Confrontation | How to Have a Relationship

what's up lighthouse how are we doing yes they're loud this morning i like it i like it it is so great to be with you guys right here in the sanctuary or if you're joining us online my name is ryan mintzer and i am the student director here at lighthouse yes and i'm liz seidel i am the lh kids director here at lighthouse and i just want to say hi if you're a first time guest maybe you're watching online for your first time i want to say hello to you we're so glad that you would join us here this morning yes and if you're online i just want you to put your hand up so somebody in the chat can connect with you because we love to connect around here and speaking of connection one thing you may not know is what's happening in lh kids so liz let us in on what's happening so much oh my goodness we have seen god's faithfulness all throughout this past year when taking us online so that we can reach more families we've heard from families in florida and arizona and then seven weeks ago we opened our in-person services and we've seen little faces that we haven't seen in a year come back and it's just awesome incredible what god is doing in lh kids yes so good what about students yes i mean students speaking of god's faithfulness yeah as a ministry it was in september that we started serving monthly in our local community and we got to lock arms with a local non-profit the well and pray over a transition house that would allow broken families to come in it was last saturday that the students of lighthouse church got to pray over that house and get it ready for a mom coming in amen incredible yes and personally in students lives that we're watching students take next steps it was two thursdays ago that we had our first student baptism at a thursday gathering that's awesome it was incredible yes i just used incredible and faithful over and over oh my goodness yes but to show you how faithful and incredible it was we wanted to invite you into it so check this out and now you are evangelizing like no other you're making jesus known and you reflected him in it all and i want you to know that jesus uses ordinary things and he's going to use you and so what i want to ask you because i think your advice matters more than one [Applause] all right [Music] ah i get chills yes free time i watch that it's amazing it is incredible what he's doing and maybe you're here right now as a student maybe you're here just broken or maybe your family looking out into the world with no hope we just want to let you know and echo what renzo said you're not too far gone amen amen and because we know that we're walking this out um together we want to make sure you guys know that that you know that we are here for you to pray for you to equip you to encourage you and so tomorrow a week from tomorrow february 1st the lh families team is going to be launching an lh family's facebook group so if you're a family we want to be here for you to pray for you to share experiences to walk this life out together because we know that god is doing incredible things yes and god will be faithful we just want you guys to know that lighthouse is for families yes and that's the bottom line because god is for families and so we're gonna get ready to jump into a time of worship so i'm gonna have you stand on your feet and then after worship pastor sammy's is going to bring our next message in our series how to have a relationship would you pray with me jesus we need you we are in desperate need of you and lord i just pray over this service that you would just be with us that you would make yourself known and that you would clear the stage and that you would get the glory we love you so much jesus be with us in jesus name we pray amen [Music] so [Music] man's empty praise treasures of fame never know [Music] you came along yesterday put me back together every desire is now satisfied [Music] [Applause] here oh there's nothing better than you there's nothing better than you lord there's nothing [Music] i'm not afraid [Music] to show you my weakness my failures and flows lord you've seen cause the god of the mountain [Music] is the god of the valley [Music] there's not a [Music] oh there's place better than you there's nothing better than you or there's nothing nothing is better than yours better than you lord there's nothing nothing is better dancing you give beauty for ashes [Music] you're the only one who cares [Music] you're the only [Music] knees you're the only one who cares [Music] oh there's nothing better than you lord there's nothing nothing nothing [Music] than is there's nothing no better than you lord there's nothing nothing is better you're the only one who can't sing it [Music] again you're the only one who you're the only one you care [Music] jesus is is [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] [Music] jesus [Music] jesus [Music] [Music] oh is [Music] oh [Music] hallelujah [Music] for he is lord [Music] is [Music] for he is lord christ is is [Music] [Music] is [Music] was born with blood of jesus christ [Music] think of that bridge again [Music] in the fifth chapter of joshua joshua who was the leader of israel at that time had an encounter with an angel of the lord and during this encounter the angel lord tells joshua the lord is going to deliver jericho into your hands but the way you're going to take the city is a bit unorthodox wasn't a very common military tactic that he told him he said you're simply you and your army are going to march around the city for seven days and on the seventh day seven priests will be out in front with ram's horns they're gonna blow those rams horns the men of israel are gonna shout and the walls will come down and joshua having faith did exactly just that he instructed his men to march that city and on the seventh day the priest blew the ram's horn the army shouted and the walls came tumbling down and they invaded it was a victory shout it was a it was a war cry but it was a shout of faith it was a shout saying the battle is already ours because jesus because the lord said so i believe that story is so prevalent today that in order for us to walk in victory in order for us to take for for our proverbial walls of jericho for our strongholds to come tumbling down we got to walk by faith not by sight [Applause] we got to declare who jesus is that he came that he died and that he rose again just so we can say my hope is found in the lord i can do all things through christ who gives me strength and if he is for me who could possibly possibly be against me this next song let it be a victory cry just so that god the lord can tear down our strongholds let's give them a shout amen [Music] [Music] in the presence of my enemies [Music] [Music] is to fight for me is death is defeated the king is alive hallelujah hallelujah on me is [Music] [Music] sing a little [Music] sing a louder louder i'm gonna sing a little louder louder fight for me is is is [Music] um [Music] amen amen i love it it's how the house of the lord should be amen filled with jubilance and glee and joy and hope and proclamation and declaration we don't do that god morning god god name amen amen okay hold up hold up everybody just i love this squad well um [Music] okay all right i was i was i was trying to gauge whether or not we just go right back into it team where are you going dave well they they've left they've left okay we were going to go right back into it but uh i think uh the word of the lord has something to impart to us today amen and we're going to spend a few time few moments in it and um [Music] [Laughter] amen let me get my composures a little bit i uh let me first just welcome our online community you're probably wondering what's happening in this room right now all right and um we're not drunk um spirit of lord's in the house amen and um we're just excited [Applause] i want to welcome you tell you how incredibly honored we are that you would join with us we consider you part of the lh family and so no matter where you're watching from listening from we want you to know you were just as part of is anybody for that matter but we love you we're so grateful to have you and if you're a first-time visitor with us today again we don't call you visitors we call you guests of the house we love you so much and so glad that you would find space here to come and experience what we hope that you would experience and that is the person of jesus that you would leave here different than when you arrived then you find us actually in the middle of a series that we launched into uh three weeks ago or two weeks ago i don't know how that works but um we launched into this collection of talks entitled how to have a relationship and i want to frame this this morning for where we're going so that we have a sort of a common posture here's what i mean by that is that when you you read that title how to have a relationship it can in some ways appear or be sort of interpreted as a bit condescending as if we don't know how to have a relationship let me just make a big blanket statement we don't know how to have relationships okay so if you felt like that was a little condescending it was um because i think that what i'm learning even in my own life even in my own sort of frame and posture and paradigm that i was so used to and maybe even ignorant of i've realized in the in the terrain that we're finding ourselves traversing right now in 2021 it is really aware to me that i don't think we know how to have relationships i think that we've been sort of winging it and we've got by uncommon grace and good effort but i think that the terrain that we find ourselves in as a community of jesus followers it is imperative that we look to the pages of scripture as to how to learn how is it that we have relationships let me tell you why because relationships are the clearest indicator that you're a follower of jesus if we mess that up it doesn't matter what else we get right if we can't do relationships right with them we're jacked and so scripture is emphatic about us understanding how it is to have a relationship was just recently i was talking to a gentleman and he was had been married for eight years and he said to me not not whining not not not poor mouthing but just very sincere he said i've been married eight years and i've realized i don't know how to be married he said i didn't have a mom dad that stayed together they bounced from relationship to relationship marriage to marriage you know multiple divorces my wife her family has gone through multiple divorces neither of which are together now i didn't have friends that had marriages that that had any any exemplary virtues or aspects about them because i went into it on sheer brute force and love it's rough combo and he thought i'm just going to get through because i love her and she loves me what he found out is i don't know how to do this i thought what a beautiful posture to have not faking it until you make it you've done that for eight years what he said is i want to learn how to do this so that i weather this and so that we make it to the end and i'm able to glorify god in the process but here's what i want you to know i don't know how to do this i was like amen man and i think for so many of us when it comes this matter of relationships and this keystone aspect of following jesus it would be best if we said you know what maybe we don't know how to do this either and i think that's the place that the lord ministers and his presence dwells he says one thing i will not despise is a broken spirit and a contrite heart so i want us to start today with that posture and i believe it's in that place that we find god's blessing amen and so we're going to pray and then we're going to get right to work heavenly father we ask you today with a posture of humility and openness and father just telling you we we don't know but as your children we want to know father we've seen things around us a culture that surrounds us a a world that wants to influence us as to how to do relationships father we want to turn a blind eye to all that we want to look directly toward you and we want you and your spirit to tell us today father by the truth found in your word how is it that we are to have relationships father bless that posture i pray bless our time together that we leave here different than when we arrived bless my brothers and sisters whether in this room in the overflow in the in the chapel or father watching online be with us lord in jesus matchless name we pray and all god's people said week one we looked at this idea of commitment and we looked at this idea of commitment in a very uncommitted world and what you're going to find is when you peer into the pages of scripture and you start looking and unpacking and peeling layers off of relationships and trying to get down to at least the fundamentals you're going to realize that they're antithetical to the way that the world does things they're very very opposite and so the world doesn't have any really any really sort of marching orders when it comes to commitment we're only as committed as we are reciprocating the same degree of commitment or what we're finding that we actually want outside of that well when we cease to be committed this is why we're in such the mess that we are this day and age because there isn't any any celebration of faithfulness there isn't any celebration of commitment and so when it comes to this matter of commitment the scripture speaks real clearly let your gays be gays and your nays be nays well now we don't even celebrate integrity any longer it doesn't matter if you you say one thing and do another that's that's that's that's that's widely accepted and then this whole aspect about being committed means that we're not gossipers and we don't run our mouth around people behind people's back well that's that's that's the world i mean can you imagine if the world didn't didn't didn't talk about people behind their back what would they talk about be a very boring planet but yet we point the finger at the world that's just as pervasive than the church that we we shoot our own and we and we we kill our sick and we we we we we talk about people and their sin as if we in some way are more elite than them it's crazy it's crazy when we're all you know cut from the same cloth all image bearers of christ all the the the playing ground at the foot of the cross is level and we all are in need of grace we're all broken vessels but yeah what we'll do is we'll point about other people's junk and their baggage and how jacked up they are all in an attempt to make us feel better about ourselves and that's not at all the message of the gospel and so commitment is that your yay's base and your nays be nays and also not actually talking about people behind their back and then lastly it's about understanding where to give your time and your investment and your resources and your efforts to pick and choose your relationships so that you can steward them wisely and so that you can ultimately cultivate cultivate them for the glory of jesus and that's a matter of commitment and so whenever you champion that and you go you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna heed the scripture i'm gonna pray by the power of the holy spirit i wanna walk in those things do know you are swimming upstream but when in fact jesus says you're gonna know who my disciples are you're gonna you're gonna know how legit they are you're gonna see the radiance of life exude from them when they champion relationships like i told them to do if we don't do know this we're no different than the world we're no different than the world so what do we have to offer if we don't get relationships right just because we come to church we notch our belt and we we were able to speak a little 16th century english and have a little christian knees and we're able to say good morning brother lord is good all the time all the time he is good you know that doesn't mean anything to the world the world wants to place its hope in something tangible and visible by and large by the way we demonstrate relationships and so week when we looked at this idea of commitment this week i want to look at this idea of confrontation conflict resolution okay and when it comes to this whole thing do know that we we don't know how to do confrontation right okay that's why we're on the precipice of civil war right now you hear me steve yes you do this is why it's so it's so so tedious out there and so so it feels very very shaky why because we're not doing confrontation through a biblical precept we're just not you know what we do we've replaced confrontation with a cancel culture so if if if a relationship requires that i have to confront you or i have to address you or i have to to deal with the conflict that you and i have between us what we have ascribed to now is i'm just going to cancel you well here's the problem with that that at the center of the gospel and the message of jesus is a message of reconciliation and unity okay reconciliation and unity and so if we replace reconciliation with canceling what that means is is that ultimately we circumvent confrontation and conflict resolution never arriving at reconciliation and it breaks the whole thing down i'm going to go as far as to say to replace reconciliation with cancel is ultimately demonic there's a reason there's a reason that culture by and large right now is championing this idea if you step out of line you're cancelled why because at the core of it is the very enemy of your and my soul satan himself and so so you and i got to learn how to deal with confrontation now um if i was to ask the room just by show of hands which i'm not going to do but just by show of hands how many of us here have been offended or wronged or hurt or and disrespected to the point that you felt it i think the lion's share of this room would go yeah amen that's me at some point or another whether that was by a peer a spouse a parent a sibling or the like we would all be able to say yeah i i have been offended i have been hurt for that very reason this is why the church by and large we often hear sermons about about um dealing with forgiveness rightfully so dealing with bitterness um ultimately dealing with offense and how to process that as as we should but i want to ask another question and i think this question is is more often uh uh left out where maybe it should be more prevalent and that is if by show of hands i was to ask you how many of you have offended someone how many of you have caused the offense the hurt the disrespect the anger that someone feels towards you because of the action perpetrated from you i'm gonna i'm gonna suppose that that there will be a lot fewer that would be real willing to admit that let me tell you why there's a reason for that is because many times it's easier to see ourselves as the victim than the perpetrator it's just easier we're very acutely aware i don't know how attuned you are with your emotions or your feelings you don't even have to be it's just easier to be or feel like a victim than it is the one that causes the offense but this is really really important because jesus speaks to the offender in matthew chapter 5 meaning he speaks to you and me and he he this is such a big deal to him for those of us that follow him that claim his name they come into the house of worship raise hands to him pray to him sing songs of adoration to him he says let me let me let me tell you something and this is what he says in matthew 5 23 he says therefore if you are offering a gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you leave your gift in front of the altar and first go actually in in greek the verb tense there implies emphatic and intentional like like like i don't care if you gotta you you gotta travel far i don't care if you gotta go a long distance and and and wherever they are you gotta run you gotta make sure that you make provision to get there i want you to plan how to go and then go there and he says this go and be reconciled to your brother then come and offer your gift now here's what's really interesting about that be the fact that jesus said this is that i don't know if you're going to find anywhere in scripture other than this statement right here where god in the person of jesus actually prioritizes anything higher than worshipping him think about that for a moment nowhere in scripture certainly not in the new testament where you find it where there is any prioritization where we are called to do anything before we worship him come humbly before him come and pray to him come and give our offering to him but in this in this jesus says yes there is one thing if you come into the house and it's not about making an offering you go into the house of worship and sing songs and come and listen to a sermon unpack scripture whatever there is one thing jesus said i want you to do before that and that is if if you remember if you soul search and you realize that you've offended a brother whether that's a small degree or a big degree i want you to go to them and i want you to be reconciled and then come back and then pick up where you left off pretty incredible now i didn't i didn't i didn't understand that text right there until i had kids mom and dad's you're gonna know what i'm talking about because i got three kids and and and they they fight like mma all the time and i got a daughter right in the middle and she's the baddest of them all all right i wouldn't want to fight lucia i would if i saw in a dark alley i'd back up she's a bad little chick okay nevertheless nevertheless all the time all the time they want me to do something for them and they want they want to snuggle up next to me or they want me to take them this place and and all the time right prior to the request or the snuggling or them getting close to they're fighting like cats and dogs and inevitably what i'll say is i ain't doing a daggone thing for you why because you need to go back and apologize to your sister well typically it's lucy you need to apologize to your brothers and unchain them unchain them that's not right let them back in the house i need for you to go and apologize you were just as wrong as they were i don't care what they did to you you can't you can't be you know drawing blood that's not right you need to go and i want you to fix that why because i want unity in my house i want i want i want harmony in my house i want my sons and daughters to get along my son and daughter i want them to get along i want them to be in synergy i want them to love one another i don't want them to be yelling across the house carrying on breaking stuff i want them to be in lockstep you i want your thickest thieves and i tell them that all the time when all is said and done hey i want you to be the tightest but the reality is is that so often in that dis in that you know dysfunction or or or fighting they still have requests they still want to get close to me and so what i'll do is i will use their relationships the spotlight get reconciled and then come and this is what god is saying to his children i want you to deal with the offense that you caused i want you to go through confrontation i want you to rightfully deal with conflict resolution and then come and let's be whole this is why just previous to that jesus makes this incredible statement where he says this blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of god blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of god this is this is this is ultimately a parallel to jesus saying you will know my disciples by their love for one another blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of god so here's what i want to do i want to just put a mantle on your life if you're wondering what it what the heck is a mantle a mantle is i want to commission you as a child of god as to what you are called to do and be you are called to be a peace maker now notice this what jesus did not say here is blessed are the peace keepers now a lot of us in this room true truth be told me at times we are peace keepers what that means is is that that we'll do anything and everything to avoid confrontation ultimately to keep the peace some of us just endured you know a rough holiday season where there was tension there was funkiness in the air you sat around you played nice you talked niceties you you kept it surface why because you were just trying to keep the peace you didn't want anything to break out you didn't want any confrontation you didn't want any fights you didn't want any any any arguing and so you work at being a peacekeeper and that's not wrong at all and then many a times being a peacekeeper is very sort of um uh cultivated by your temperament some of us here in this room are introverts so you're going to gra your gravitational pull is going to be more towards a peacekeeper but as children of god as followers of jesus what jesus said is blessed are the peace makers for they will be called the children of god let me give you the distinction between the two peacekeepers often avoid conflict to keep the peace anybody know a peacekeeper amen amen there's there's only there's i think there's only six of them left on the planet right now but um but there's some out there like a unicorn an albino unicorn at that blessed are the peacekeepers okay no blessed are the peacemakers peacekeepers often avoid conflict to keep the peace peacemakers embrace conflict to make peace what that means is is that peace makers are willing to deal with conflict resolution and confrontation to arrive at a place of reconciliation and i just want you to know this in 2021 what the world needs is peacemakers is peace builders where we look at scenarios we look at situations we look at relationships we look at brokenness and we say i am commissioned by god to go into that to create peace as an ambassador of the king of heaven as a child of the utmost high as the anointed by god called and commissioned i am placed in such a place as here for such a time as this to bring about peace that's what we're called to right now my big fear is that i'm watching the church sometimes and i even watch my own life as i get emotional or i get angry or i feel entitled to something that my first thought isn't i got to go create peace my first thought is i'm just going to co-create confrontation and that's not the mandate on my life or the mantle the mantle is is that we as representatives of jesus are peace makers and that means that sometimes oftentimes more now than ever do we go into confrontation with the truth of god's word and the radiance of his holy spirit and we say we're going to make peace here that means that that requires hard conversations that requires you getting out of your comfort zone that requires you at times not being an introvert but an extrovert that requires you seeing that god's commissioned you right now that means that you walk into situations as the ambassador of god and say i'm going to create peace here help me jesus is right but nevertheless it's true i think this is sobering right now when we think about the landscape that we live in and how tumultuous it is and then to hear wait a minute i have a part to play in this but it starts it starts in your own relationships it starts first and foremost with you looking around your immediate sphere of influence and asking the question have i created any offense am i the one that's causing hurt or pain are people angry towards me because of something that i have done and some of us we need to do some soul soul-searching there because we're looking around us and there's all kinds of anger there's all kinds of hurt there's all kinds of offense and what you're quick to do i'm just going to step on your toes for a moment you're you're quick to blame them like they're the ones that offended you first and then you offended back and so hey it's their fault and we leave a whole wake of dysfunctional relationships behind us when in fact you're the offender and so jesus says if you go to the altar and you remember wait a minute i played a part in that he says stop everything you've done stop everything you're doing and go be reconciled can i tell you there's a friend and enemy when it comes to peace making when it comes to peacemaking the greatest enemy to peacemaking is pride the greatest enemy to peacemaking is pride i um i'm going to tell him myself a few times through this um talk but um it was recently that um i i was offended i was offended at someone that said something to me and so it was that i stood on it i stood on it and i felt like it was unjustified i felt like the time in which they did it wasn't right i felt i felt a full range of emotions with it and so the longer that i sat on it the more i cultivated my pride in it do know that the longer that you're resistant to the prompting of the holy spirit the longer that you turn inward rather than outward the longer that you get up in your feelings the more you cultivate the stronghold of pride in your life and so it was that i had i mean i i had i was i was convinced i am i am right in this i've been wronged they need to come to me actually i've gone to them and i didn't feel like i was well received they they need to come to me and so so i was just cultivating this and i felt very very comfy in my skin over that matter and then i realized that i got to preach on confrontation so i realized okay all right well i want i want to deal with this but i want to i want to deal with this in in a way that they then receive me and they give apology to me so it was that i went to this person and i said hey listen i need to address something i i need to address something of where you you offended me and yet as i'm pulling into the driveway as i'm pulling into the driveway as as sure as i was in the driveway i heard the holy spirit say to me hey before you get you go in there telling them the rap sheet of what they've done to you i want you to ask them have you done anything towards them and i was like that that definitely can't be the lord that was the devil right there spirit did not let me go it's like uh-uh you're gonna start this different you don't go in there half-cocked you know guns are blazing talking about i came here to set the record straight i want you to go in and so it was i went in and hey how you doing yada yada and i said hey i just i i know there's been tension i know that we had a conversation it didn't end real well but i want to know is there any place that i have offended you by the time all said and done i looked at them and i said i am so sorry i didn't know that i did that i didn't know that you interpreted it like that i didn't even listen to my attitude when i was saying that i had no idea that i over a period of time communicated that and in that moment what i had i realized i realized that as i was receiving this there was my flesh crying out to say no no no go back at them bring up the litany of things that they did to you that offended you defend yourself excuse that justify that that you did to them and i realized in that moment here's the reality that the greatest enemy to peacemaking is pride but the greatest friend of peacemaking is humility that the only way that we arrive at peace and reconciliation and unity is if you and i as followers of jesus demonstrate a humble heart i i i i'm afraid that the world's not looking in on the church right now and saying one of the accusations the church is not under right now is the world looking at us going look at all those humble people they're a mess that is that is not what the world is saying the world is saying look at all those proud arrogant people they're a mess and there's no peace in them and there's no peace in the world why because we're not creating peace as we've been called to the greatest enemy of peace making is pride the greatest friend is humility this is why scripture says when pride comes then comes disgrace meaning there's no reconciliation there's no unity there's no harmony but with humility comes wisdom and you know what wisdom is wisdom is seeing life through god's lens if you want to know what's wise what's right what leads to life and abundance walk in humility why because it's the place that god speaks and it's the grace that he gives that arrives at a place of peace blessed are the peace makers for they will be called the children of god the question is that i think we should ask is okay all right there's some confrontation in my life that i need to engage in there's some conflict resolution that i need to be part of whether you've been offended or you are the offender there is something that we all need to to to engage in not not not her body but a lot of bodies when it comes to confrontation and i think when it comes to the posture of us going how do we do this scripture is very clear about it scripture says in in romans 12 paul writes do not repay anyone evil for evil notice that's what we're in the pattern of doing right now you said this about me i'ma say this about you you hurt me i'ma hurt you you disagree with me i'ma fight back with you do not repay anyone evil for evil but be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone that's that's that's big time if it is possible paul says as far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone this is what paul just just just deconstructed for us be a peacemaker as long as somebody agrees with you and works with you that's not what he said what he said is as much as it depends on you the other person is completely out of the equation as far as you there's marching orders that you have as a peacemaker as much as you have jurisdiction over walk in the way that leads to peace in the sight of everyone then he goes on to say this live at peace with everyone do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good okay okay so the question then becomes okay if it depends on me sammy i'm going to engage this confrontation i'm going to be a peacemaker i'm going to i'm going to have the hard conversation how do i do it i've been offended let's play the part of the offended i've been offended how do i go to them scripture's very clear first is this first we're going to tell the truth in love we're going to tell the truth in love this is what paul says to the church of ephesus he says instead we will speak the truth in love growing in every way more and more like christ okay here's what's pretty amazing this matter of confrontation that we have now replaced with the cancel culture and maybe you have ascribed to canceling as well you've been hurt you've been wronged you've been you've been angered by someone's actions and you've just gone you know what i'm not dealing with them anymore i'm not going to let them know that they hurt me i'm not going to talk to them anymore i'm not going to engage them any longer and they don't even know what the problem is they don't know where they hurt you they don't know where they offended you they don't know what you're dealing with okay do know this when you say i'm going to cancel them rather than confront them your growth is going to come to a major halt this is why this is why the writer says he says growing in every way more and more like christ what what paul said says is is that actually confrontation is your class to maturity so to say i don't want that class and i don't want to confront and i don't want to deal with conflict resolution actually your growth stops because confrontation is going to mature you maybe at times even more so than the one that you're going to confront but he says there's a way to do it when it comes to you being offended you have to speak or tell the truth in love now um what i want to say here is i i know this is an ancient text but um regardless i believe that the word speak there is intentional so what paul did not say is text them text them okay he did not say email them all right jesus knew the email was coming all right if you want a little caveat in there he would have placed it speak email text him you know send him snail mail he would have wrote that okay he didn't he said speak the truth in love what that means is is that you go to them one-on-one in person why because there's nuance in texting some of you are sitting on an offense right now because a text message was sent to you and the person that sent it to you didn't mean what offended you and yet you haven't spoken to them why because you have interpreted something that was never there in the first place okay so you know what you've done you've canceled them okay so you're not going to text them back you're going to go to them and speak the truth in love let me just tell you about um sammy and ruth's marriage okay i am i am i don't have any problem with confrontation i i don't i should have more of a problem with confrontation okay i will confront at any moment actually a sort of light confrontation truth be told so when it comes to to to to work and the office and you know my the team that that that i that i that i love and work with when it comes to me having to confront a matter there's no inhibition in me i'll i'll do it head on um but at home at home sometimes i'm a little more reserved okay why because mama ruth is a savage okay and so and so she's not to be played with all right and so at times at home i won't so much be a peacemaker i'll just try to be a peacekeeper come with somebody i got any husbands in the house tell the true shame the devil amen all right why because i don't know what it is about you ladies but you got way more stamina than we got okay i've too many nights i've been i've been you know waving the white flag like i surrender i surrender when in fact i was the one sinned against i'll be like you're right i'm wrong i'm wrong please forgive me it's just i don't so i'll be a peacekeeper at home i'll be a peacemaker in the office or in other relationships in my life but what i've realized is the times that i do go to those closest to me and times that i feel offended or wronged i will engage in confrontation i just won't do it in love and so when i don't do it in love you know what happens what was a very very little mohil becomes this in insurmountable mountain and then the original issue that was there then becomes a distant secondary tertiary issue and the my major issue is the way that i went to them i didn't go to them in love i didn't go to them i didn't speak with with grace i didn't have it seasoned with salt i didn't i didn't calculate my my words and so what paul says is if you're going to engage in confrontation do it face to face one but go in love that means you gotta let your you might have to let the the boil come back down to a simmer that means that you might have to write out what you're going to say that means you might have to pray in the driveway before you talk that means that you might have to make sure that it's in the time of day where you're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed it means if you're failing at night and you're starting to you know weighing off that's not the best time to go what he says is when it comes to confrontation tell this truth in love growing in every way more and more like christ can i just give you a frame to look at confrontation through i want you to look at it as your opportunity for growth how you do it is as meaningful as what you're doing and so when it comes to confrontation paul says this is how you do relationships go to them and speak the truth in love now second to that is is that if you have been the offender and you find out having gone to them or someone comes to you second thing the scripture tells us very clearly is apologize when you're wrong some of us um we might not even remember the last time we apologized some of us just just to say i'm sorry is like i i i i am m m m s sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry you like can't even get it out you you your your pride has been so cultivated it's been so it's so deep in you you don't even know how to apologize and where there's no apology and there's no onus and there's no hey that's my fault and i did you wrong there's no reconciliation there might be the appearance of harmony that you leave with but there's no true reconciliation why because there's no humility this is why this is why james the brother of jesus says therefore confess your sins one to another and pray for each other so that you may be healed if confrontation is to lead to reconciliation then reconciliation is predicated on you saying please forgive me for my sin not please forgive me for my mistake or please forgive me that you feel that way there is a right way and a wrong way to apologize can can i just can i just preach at you for just one second there is a right way and a wrong way to apologize if anybody on the planet should be straight-a students when it comes to apologizing it should be the children of god we should be the gold standard for apologies we should be the ones that do it the best we should be the ones that know how to let me tell you how to number one when you apologize you admit to specific actions and attitudes [Music] when i come to you and i say hey what you just told me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry that you feel that way i'm sorry that it made you feel that way or i'm sorry that you see it that way that's not an apology there's a right way to apologize and one is is that you admit to specific actions and attitudes i'm sorry for deceiving you i'm sorry for talking about you behind your back i'm sorry for not being there for you i'm sorry for not being committed to you sorry for using you sorry for not demonstrating what it is to be a christ follower to you secondly don't make excuses when people have been offended and hurt and you're a peacemaker going to bring reconciliation don't bring caveats and excuses as to why you did what you did own it we're broken vessels in need of grace called the walk in humility own what you've done and don't defend it or excuse it thirdly accept the consequences and don't get vindictive towards them when they when you've broken trust or you've done something to hurt or you've caused an affliction in them and they're now skittish around you or suspect with you or not all warm and and fuzzy with you accept the consequences for what maybe you broke for what you've done for the sin that you've committed fourthly use your ownness of what you've done wrong to be the catalyst to change change the behavior see it is god's provision in your life that he put his finger on an area that now he wants you to own why so that you can grow past it and then lastly ask for forgiveness can i just just just just find a common ground in here there is something considerably more weighty and impactful when somebody says hey you were offended i'm sorry i'm sorry versus someone that says hey you were offended i'm sorry for offending you in the way that you just communicated to me i was wrong i don't have an excuse i'll accept that consequence i'm going to work on that area would you please forgive me that's what you call confrontation that leads to reconciliation confess your sins one to another so that you may be healed some of us are in this room right now and you're broken and you're bleeding on friends and relationships and you haven't found the healing that you need why because one you've built pride where there should be humility you've you've circumvented confrontation and you've canceled and now that wound is only getting bigger and bigger and bigger and the healing that god wants to offer you is found in the confrontation that he's calling you this is why paul says tell the truth in love apologize when you're wrong and then lastly once the apology is made forgive and let go paul says bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone forgive just as the lord forgave you i think there's something about our journey walking with jesus that you go through certain scenarios that begin to shape you there's experiences that you walk through that you look at and you go i've never witnessed anything like that before and and it and it becomes sort of the formation experience that god uses to develop you and it was years ago that i walked through one of those situations and i've spoken of it it was that paramount in my in my mind that i um i was on a trip overseas and i was preaching in a bible college i was taken by a mentor of of mine that wanted to mentor me and school me and really cultivate what he thought was god's gift in me and so he took me to romania and ukraine and these various places and we taught in these bible colleges and to make a long story short it was a pretty rough trip it was rough just by way of the weather it was rough by way of our quarters that we stayed in it was rough by way of how pulled away from me he was and how much time i spent by myself and i just wanted to go home and i had overstayed my welcome if you know what i mean so it was one night that i emailed my father and it was in one of those moments that i emailed my dad and i didn't give any guard to my tongue were my thoughts and i went on to sort of land blast this guy that i had went with i just i just i just wrote out a litany of things that i didn't appreciate about him that i was offended by that he that i didn't like and i i just went on to truly disrespect this man egregiously in this email and i sent it to my father and i didn't have any any any qualms with it whatsoever i mean my heart was hardened and i i fired away well my dad if you know anything about my dad um technology is is was not his forte um be the fact that he he emailed me back is pretty miraculous but he found a way not to send the email to me he sent it to the computer of the mentor of whom i was with the reply to him how don't know don't know but i truly believe that it was the lord and so it was this one night i'm staying in my room across the hall from him and this gentleman summoned me he said hey hey sammy would you should come in my room real quick so i go walking in his room and he said sit down sit down real quick and i sat on the edge of his bed and he pointed to his laptop and there was the email that i sent my father and he said to me with the most with the most gentle voice he said what is that and i was looking at it truth be told i was looking at it and i was thinking this is not happening i'm i'm not awake right now you know this is a nightmare and i'm gonna wake up and my legs gonna be asleep and i can't wait you know what i mean this is not happening and i saw that email and i looked up at him the things that i said about him and the way that i berated him and the way that i disrespected him and his heart was so for me and i said to him i am so sorry and he said to me hey hey i totally forgive you and he said to me i know that's not you and i was thinking [Music] yeah it is and he said to me i'm going to forgive and let it go i don't want you to think about that ever again you and i were as thick as these the grace that was extended me that day ultimately shaped me that day that he confronted me in love he then forgave me and let it go and he showed me what reconciliation looks like having rightfully walked through confrontation i loved him so much more after that day i respected him so much more after that day and i resolved that day i want to do confrontation that way listen to me church if we don't get confrontation right we're going to take a big mar on the church we should be the gold standard of confrontation leading the reconciliation for the glory of jesus that loves us so deeply amen would you stand with me father today i know that peppered throughout this room lord there's men and women the father i know that you're stirring their heart to confront to address to walk into hard situations and i pray father that my brothers and sisters would see themselves as peacemakers commissioned by you and for you to bring peace to where now there's dysfunction and conflict i pray that you would embolden us by your holy spirit to deal with the hard things that we have to to bring about the radiant things that you want to shine through us help us jesus be the gold standard for the world to look towards and say that's how you do relationships father help us be the peacemakers and the pacesetters for your glory and our joy we pray this in your matchless name amen [Music] is my [Music] you are good [Music] the anchor in the waves [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh he is [Music] [Music] [Music] is you are good you're good [Music] you're never gonna let me [Music] you're never gonna let me [Music] you're never gonna let me [Applause] [Music] oh me down man what a powerful message yes yes and i know for me i love confrontation my wife calls me a lawyer all the time so do my friends i love confrontation but what i know about confrontation is that healthy confrontation requires accountability that's why i have my right hand man who i met in small groups to hold me accountable when i'm looking to have one of those conversations and for you guys here today small groups kick off today and you can still get in a small group today yes and you know another good place to find community lh ladies can i hear my ladies in the house okay okay there we go there we go so tonight we have an lh ladies prayer meeting 6 p.m and guess what it's still there's still time to register so go and do that lighthouse.church coming up you don't want to miss it and i just want to give a shout out to those of you who give a week in and week out here lighthouse church you make it possible for us to take the message of jesus out into the world thank you for partnering with us and um i want to pray us out i want to pray this out of here can i pray for you guys this morning jesus jesus you yourself prayed for unity among us lord i pray that you'd make us bold father that we would walk out of here that you'd give us hearts to reconcile hearts to be unified eyes that are on you and focused only on you jesus we love you amen amen see you guys rid of all her shame

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Length: 84min 25sec (5065 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 24 2021