Comedian George Wallace - I've Been Thinking

[Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] that's all we could afford no you got your new they got another disease called add y'all heard about that one tell these young kids we grew up add ain't nothing a good ass whooping couldn't cure 80d these are just cool letters that the doctor came up with the doctor couldn't come around and said Miss Brown your child's a fool because that wouldn't be good for business any doctors in here any doctors in here two three doctors back there everybody work in the medical industry raise your hands all of you need to ask it everybody here want to know doctor why should we have a 10 o'clock appointment to see you doctors we don't get to see the 11 15 11 30 11 45. then they walk on ask you what's the problem the problem I've been waiting on your ass for an hour and a half then they walk by you be patient be patient that's how they came up with the name everybody in the middle even people work at the drugstore had to go in the drugstore yesterday and get some my foot is hurt and had to get some Dr Shaw products and they got it all the way in the back of the store put that stuff up at the front of the store where it depends and condoms and and people need KY Jelly people in a hurry got to go we got a commercial in Los Angeles environmentalist ecologists they're concerned about SUVs consuming too much energy and that slogan is what would Jesus Drive have you heard about that one what would you drive and you know me I I be thinking Jesus would drive 100. Jesus would drive a Honda if you read your Bibles Acts 2 and 1 says we shall all be in one Accord [Applause] commercials make me sick so much stuff like you know what makes me sick people saying stupid stuff I got off the airplane the day a man said to me my wife's gonna die when I tell I saw you I said well don't tell her how do people say stupid stuff I'm on the airplane a man sitting next to me and you going all the way I said I hope like hell I'm going all the way I didn't buy no halfway ticket I've been thinking about myself how come they got 18 handicap parking spaces at the Home Depot yeah I said it I talk about everybody he's scared my best friend in Los Angeles he's in a wheelchair he's been pleading with me for years please write a joke about us we want to be talked about too don't feel sorry for us we talk about everybody else we want to be included too I'll tell them okay I told him I'm pissed off at the government for spending a hundred thousand dollars for bus to have a wider door and an elevator lift your ass up on the bus I'll be thinking about a rope him a rope hooked ass up to the back of the bus let go he said that's good I said oh I'm not true you got me started I'm not true 18 handicap parking spaces at the home when the last time you've seen somebody at Home Depot in a wheelchair uh give me three sheets of that plywood up there in a bucket of nails ah be thinking and I've been thinking since I was 15 years old I had a curfew couldn't make it home before midnight I was thinking you know what I would do I'd call my mom on the telephone she'd pick it up hello I said ah it's okay Ma I got it [Applause] these stores are driving me crazy did you read in the paper Costco they're now selling caskets coffins did you read that in the paper conference you're going to Costco give me a jar of dill pickles and a case of aluminum foil and and Grandma she's not feeling too good give me that blue casket up there only trouble is you got to buy 12 of them to get a good deal listen you like peanut butter let's say you're like you really really really really like you like peanut butter so much you like to stick your whole head in the jar I bought a bag of marshmallow I use it as a mattress where my friends come over to visit these stores are driving me crazy we got another store called Ikea you got that in Canada I can't I don't know what it is with this door Scandinavian furniture it's whatever Swedish I go in there and see a nice little table I want and I told the salesperson I like to have that desk this is Sarah going the back and get it I said no this one's good right here he said no sir you have to put it together you got to say you got to put it together yourself I said no I'll take this sample on the floor he said sir you got to put it together then they run it up I wrote him a check ripped it up into a thousand pieces gave it to him put it together [Applause] again please start the freezing home anybody here working Home Depot is anybody working does anybody in here work at Home Depot I feel like I'm in a real damn store all these people are here nobody work here but you know me I be thinking I went down to Home Depot couldn't find nobody to help me I bought my own orange apron took a magic marker wrote my name up there walking there every day with a wheelbarrow loaded up with stuff and walk right out the damn door thank you Montreal Just for Laughs just for us foreign

Channel: George Wallace TV

Views: 48,053

Keywords: George Wallace, Comedian, Comedy, Legend, Actor, Wallace, George, Jerry Seinfeld, Funny, Laughter, Funnier, Laughing

Id: e7nHL3FQeu0

Length: 6min 19sec (379 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 16 2023