All right, Colossians for Beginners,
this is lesson number 10 in the series. We'll be at Colossians chapter 3,
beginning in verse 18, if you're following along in your
own Bibles. And we're nearing the end of this series, just a couple more classes
to go. So far we've learned that this letter was written to reject a system of
false teaching and teachers who were attempting to displace Jesus and His
teachings as the primary standard for Christian life and doctrine. Pretty much
summarizes what has been taking place in this letter, in the last several
lessons. So after Paul describes Christ's priority or His preeminent position in
the scheme of things, he then goes on to explain that Jesus's teachings have an
equal priority. So if Jesus has the priority, if He's preeminent in heaven
and on earth, head of the church, then what He teaches has priority as well. Now, he also describes for them the type of life
that is supposed to emanate from these teachings. As I say, Christ is
preeminent in all things. Well, He's preeminent in ethics as well.
In other words, how one should live. So last time I described the standard for
Christian life that is established by Jesus's teachings and the details or
the elements of that standard that pertains to us as Christians. So
basically, and this is just a summary here, we said that the Christian standard,
the elements of the Christian standard of living involve holiness, for example.
And as Paul explained it, especially sexual purity. It involves a loving nature,
being truthful with others, speaking the truth in love, so to speak,
having a thankful heart, a life that is motivated by a grateful spirit and
expressed in worship and praise. And our lesson today, Paul is to add
another element in this Christian standard that makes up the ethic or
the standard of life that Christ gives us according to His teachings. And that
is an ordered family. So holiness, a loving nature, a thankful heart, an
ordered family. Most of our lives are lived within the context of a family. So
it would only be natural for Jesus to include instructions for family life so
that we would have these teachings as a basis for marriage and for developing and
maintaining a family. Now you have to understand, the Judaizers in many
instances, they forbade marriage and they saw marriage as a concession to the
flesh. The pagans on the other hand, they had a very loose commitment to the
marriage bond and they modeled it after the ignorant and cruel system that they
themselves came from. Men treated their wives and their children as
property, women and children survived as best they could through cleverness
and silent submission. And so Paul establishes the basis for an orderly
family according to the words of Christ, not according to the Judaizers, not
according to the standards that existed in those days, but a standard according to
what Christ was teaching. So we go to chapter 3, verse 18, he begins and says,
"Wives be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord." So he
begins with the wives, wives should be in submission to their husbands. Again, the
word used here is the same as the one used by Paul in Ephesians 5:21, where he
says, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Same word. In Ephesians he
referred to Christians in the church who were to be subject in submission to one
another. In Colossians it's the wife to be in submission to her husband. The
Greek word is a military term which means to place oneself under. The
idea that a soldier understands his rank and recognizes and submits to the
one who has a higher rank than he or she does. Well, in the marriage
relationship the ranks, if you wish, were handed out by God in Genesis, and they
haven't changed. In Genesis chapter 3, verse 16 it says that -
God says to the woman, He said, "Your desire shall be for your husband and he
shall rule over you." Now the requirement that there be only one man and one woman
for life in a marriage was established here in Genesis and it was confirmed by
Jesus in Matthew 19:4, 5, and 6. And it was taught by Paul in First Corinthians 7, verse 1 and the following. Now the reason I say this, is this,
everybody agrees that this is the ideal marriage arrangement, right? When we're
defending the sanctity of marriage we'll always say, well, in
Genesis it says, one man, one woman for life. That's the
basis of marriage. It's not two men together, two women together, it's
not three men and one woman, it's not that. It's one man and one woman
and we've got scripture to prove that. That's the basis. And we all agree, yeah, but do we also realize that in the very same
scripture, the very same place where God is establishing the elements of marriage, He
also says that the man shall rule over his wife, that the wife will be in
submission to her husband. It's the same passage. You can't accept one and
reject the other. You can't say, oh well He really meant that one man, one woman
for life. He really meant that, but He wasn't serious about the other part,
the role of man, the role of woman in marriage. Don't forget, this is after the
fall, not before the fall. Before the fall men and women were together, co-inheritors, right? Co-rulers of the creation, right ? It's after sin
that God imposed this arrangement. Well in the same way, as I
said, the requirement that a wife be subject to her husband was also
established in Genesis and confirmed and taught by Paul in the New
Testament. Not only in this passage, but also in Ephesians 5:22 as well. Now, Jesus
doesn't ever say this particular thing, He doesn't elaborate on this,
but Paul in teaching this says that it is fitting or proper in the Lord that a
wife submit to her husband. You notice he says, as is fitting in the Lord. What does
that mean? What's he talking about? Well, he's saying the Lord, I'm agreeing with
the Lord. This is fitting according to the Lord's teachings. This is a
fitting thing. So this is an easy one to understand, but not such an easy one to
accomplish, for a variety of reasons. For example, the husband may not be a
Christian. Well, yeah, it's not easy being in submission to a husband who's not a
Christian or the husband is a weak or immature Christian, but also it isn't easy for
a woman to be in submission to a faithful, knowledgeable Christian, woman
to be in subjection to a weak, disobedient Christian man, or the wife has
a forceful personality, in opposition to her husband. She's the strong one.
She's the one that's the great organizer. She's the one that gets things done. I mean, those qualities are not necessarily relegated just to men. We have women who are CEOs of world class corporations, they're quite
successful. So to be well organized, to be a leader, those are not
necessarily gifts that have only been given to men. They have been equally
given to men and women. And of course problems in a dysfunctional family,
the husband is an alcoholic or something like that, an abuser of some kind. So
it's easy to say, not always easy to accomplish. So whatever the
situation, women need to understand several things about this
particular teaching, that wives should be in subjection to their
husband. A couple of things we need to remember about that. First, this is not a
cultural thing. This teaching is not an outdated Jewish thing that we should
ignore because it doesn't fit into our society anymore. It's a command of God
and it is relevant in every generation. Every generation has to deal with this
teaching. In marriage, what God wants, what is proper, what is the right thing
for Christians is that wives be in submission to their husbands, that's the
ideal. Now, you can teach this idea to your children because it'll be around as
long as marriage will be around. Secondly, this teaching, it's not an absolute thing.
Although the Bible says this is what would be proper for those calling
themselves Christian women, it doesn't mean that it's always possible, see what
I'm saying. For example, a woman who's a widow, she can't do this. A
widow can't be in submission, her husband's gone, she's alone. A
divorced woman cannot do this. In First Corinthians 7:15 Paul says, if the unbelieving spouse leaves, let him go. You're not bound. What does
that mean, you're not bound. You're not tied to him anymore. So a
divorced woman is really divorced, that man, that is no longer her husband. She
cannot be in submission to him. Or a woman whose husband is evil, cruel,
violent, she can't do this. She risks her life in doing this if she's being abused.
In my ministry career, women who have come to me because their
husbands are abusers, violent abusers. Number one priority, safety.
Get yourself to a safe place. I've said this before, as Christians,
we're not relegated to being punching bags or doormats. We're allowed to
use the law to protect ourselves against those who wish to abuse us and harm us. Or
a woman whose husband is mentally ill or incapable of making decisions, for
whatever reason, she can't do this either. So it's not an
absolute thing, there are exceptions, valid exceptions. However, for those who are
trying to have a marriage that is, as Paul says, fitting in the Lord, the woman
should be in subjection to her husband. Do this thing, Paul says, if it's possible,
but if you don't do it or you use a different system because it suits your
personality better, well then, your relationship - you're still married. It's
just not, quote, fitting in the Lord. You're doing it your way. You're not
doing the Lord's way. And then thirdly, it's something you choose. It's a
choice. If you're beaten or threatened into submission, this is not submission,
this is slavery, this is abuse, this is wrong. Submission is a choice that the
wife makes for the greater good of the family, not as an act of
debasement. God never orders us to do debasing things.
Submission actually is a faith issue. It really is all about faith. It's not a
competency issue. Both partners in the marriage are equally competent, may be
skilled in different areas, but equally competent, equally valuable in the eyes of
God. This is a faith issue. A Christian woman gives freely, because of her faith,
the leadership role in the marriage to her husband and in addition to that she
reinforces that decision every day by respecting him. That's true
submission. It's a gift, because the woman said, because I believe,
I'm giving you this gift to be the moral and spiritual leader of our home and I
will support you and I will pray for you and I will encourage you in this role.
Why? Because it is fitting in the Lord. It's the right thing to do. It's the way
God wants us to do this thing. Verse 19, he says, "Husbands, love your wives and do
not be embittered against them." Now you have to understand, in a world where
marriages were arranged by parents, in a world where women were treated as
property many times, it was natural for Paul to admonish man to love and not to
treat their wives harshly. When you view your wife, when
your view of your wife is that she's property, it's very difficult to love her
as yourself or treat her as you would want to be treated. Note that
Paul's instructions for men don't have much to do with being good leaders or
fair managers. It would almost seem - if he says to one,
be in submission to your husband, he would then say, okay ,now you
husbands, you better be good leaders now you better be good managers. Better take
care of business. Not a word, nothing about that facet. He goes to
the heart of what is difficult for men, love and tenderness. We've come a
long way as a society, but the commands for men remain the same within
marriage. They are to - what does he say? Love their wives. Now, in another kind of
passage, where he talks about this in Ephesians 5:22, he gives more details
about this love. He says that this love is to be similar to the love that Christ
has for the church. Well, what kind of love does Christ have for the
church? Well, he has sacrificial love, the willingness to give Himself
for the church. And Paul, in Ephesians, is saying, the husband should be
willing to give himself for his wife. Nowhere in the Bible does it
say the woman has to be willing to give up her life for her husband,
but it does say the husband should be willing to give up his life for his wife.
And that the love is to be similar to the love they have for themselves.
Men are to love their wives like they love themselves; being generous, because
we're always generous with ourselves, aren't we? Again this
command for a husband's love remains until there will be no need for
marriage. Of course, that'll be heaven. I often say, a woman who
is loved in this way finds it a joy to respect and submit to
her husband. Why wouldn't she? She knows that her husband is not only ready to
give his life for her, but does pour his life out for her and for the family. He
does the heavy lifting. And I don't just mean the heavy lifting - I'll fix
the car and I'll mow the lawn. I mean the heavy lifting, the emotional heavy
lifting. He's the one that'll do the sacrificing. He's ready to do that. And
then he says to be tender towards them. Well, he says not to be bitter
towards them, the opposite meaning to be tender. The term bitter means sharp,
pointed, harsh. When you perceive something as less than you are, it's easy
to disrespect it. It's easy to become harsh and cruel. Why do you
think we kick cats? Why do you think we smack dogs? We love them
most of the time, but when they get on our nerves - get out of here. It's
a dog. It's less than we are. It's an animal. Imagine, there are times we treat
our wives like we treat dogs. Think about that. So Paul's admonishment requires men
to keep in mind, who is this person? Who is the wife? Well, the Bible says she is a
gift from God, Proverbs 18:22. Genesis 2:24 says, she's a partner for life.
Genesis 4:1, a mother for his children, their children. I don't know about you
men, but I've been - I've assisted at all of Lise's delivery, births. And I
mean, 30 plus years ago that wasn't exactly the thing to do. Now it's the
thing to do. It's in vogue now. Husbands are right there. In my father's day, the men waited out in the waiting room, right?
And they smoked. They just waited. And in my generation, it
began to be the thing that men went in and they were with their wives.
Still, in the hospital, it was still, everything was done in that, quote,
operating room. Not like today. And I want to tell you, I sat there and, well, I
didn't sit, but I was there and I was watching what she went through four
times in five years. I said to her once after the last one was born, I said,
man if I ever leave you, God will strike me dead, dead, dead. After everything
you've been through to put these children into life. I mean, not just the
carrying and the pain of childbirth, but the nursing them, my goodness,
and the toll on her body, toll on her body. Wow. Yeah. They're never
the same after, your wives, after they've had children. I'm not saying they're
worse. I'm just saying they're never the same. There's a reason they're never the
same. So such a precious person must be treated with care and with tenderness. Now,
I would say the same thing to men as I did to the women on this subject. A man
must choose to be this way with his wife. Why? It doesn't come naturally. Of course I
love you, didn't I tell you? I told you at Christmas I love you. Come on. It
doesn't come naturally for a woman to submit to her husband. She has to choose
and cultivate a submissive nature through prayer, through practice, through
study. Well, in the same way, it doesn't come naturally for a man to love his
wife sacrificially and tenderly. It is natural to act this way because of
desire, yeah, all warm and tender because I want you. But it isn't natural to just be
this way. Men are just more naturally selfish than women. And I have a feeling
the reason for that is they don't give birth to children. So in the end, the man
must choose to deny himself and make his wife the beneficiary of his love and
tenderness, rather than himself, because men tend to love themselves very easily.
So I hear women say, well it's not easy being in submission to a man,
especially a sinful man. And my answer to the women, yeah, well, you know
what, it's not easy for a man to love his wife sacrificially, tenderly. It
doesn't come naturally. He has to work at it. He has to choose to do
that. He has to deny himself. Then we go on verse 20, 21, he says,
"Children," remember what we're talking about here. Just in case we've
lost the thread. Paul is establishing the elements, the standards. The standard of Christian life has certain elements and one of the
elements of Christian living is an ordered family. And in an ordered
family, wives are in submission to husbands. Husband's love their wives sacrificially,
tenderly. Now he goes to the children. Chapter 3:20, 21,
it says, "Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this
is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers do not exasperate your children,
so that they will not lose heart." Again, Paul reaches back to the elemental
principles found in the Old Testament. In Exodus 20, verse 12 it says, "Honor your
father and mother that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord
gives you." One of the commandments. So Paul summarizes this in Colossians by
keeping the main elements and applying them in a New Testament context. And
that is the responsibility of children. Responsibility of the wife,
responsibility of the husband, now the responsibility of the children. So
obedience to parents, notice, in all things, in all things. This includes
the commands of God and the daily judgments and the application of these
in daily living made by the parents. Because the parents are applying these
things on a day-to-day basis to guide their children. So when parents say, why,
because I said so, that's why. That's a legit thing. That's a legit thing for a
parent to say, no, you'll do this because I say you have to do this. Oh yeah,
where does it say that in the Bible? Colossians 3:20-21. See, if you come
back with that, that's it. Game is over. Right there. Set point, match. We're done.
Because Paul says, obey your parents in all things. But Dad, the curfew, 10 o'clock,
got to be kidding, ten o'clock. Mary, she's allowed to be out until midnight.
And the other kids just come home whenever. Too bad, so sad. Curfew,
ten o'clock. But it's not fair. Yeah? Oh well, but it is the law. It's the
parent's law. You don't go out at night during the week. You have to do
your homework first. Oh, but Dad. It's the law. Where is it written in the Bible?
Colossians 3:20-21. Anything that isn't sinful, anything that doesn't demand
disobeying God in some way or degrading oneself. Now the promise of the Old
Testament was fulfilled in Jesus and so now the children of God look forward to
a heavenly promised land where Christ reigns. There's a blessing
in learning to obey parents in all things. And what is the blessing? The
blessing is that it prepares us to obey Christ, and please Him. We have
all kinds of muscles in the body. There's also all kinds of emotional
muscles and psychological muscles. And one of the psychological muscles is the
obedience muscle. And parents are charged by the Word to teach their children how
to obey. Work that muscle. But why do I have to do that? Because mom says so. But
Dad - No, no, no. If mom says so, then I say so. You're going to learn to obey.
You are going to strengthen that muscle. Why? Because. You want to learn the piano, you
have to learn to obey the notes and your teachers. You want to learn how to play
softball, baseball, hockey, whatever, you're going to have to obey the coach and do it
the coach's way. You want to become a physicist, you want to become a doctor, a
lawyer, a preacher, you want to be a farmer? Every trade, every practice,
requires obedience to the rules, to the methods, to the ways, to the instructions, if
you want to be successful. You want to be a musician, you have to obey,
you have to practice, practice. Where does that skill come from? Well, it
comes from parents teaching their children to obey. Whatever curfew 10
o'clock, 11 o'clock, 9 o'clock, that's not the point. The point is, I have a thing
there and I have to obey it. I have to, kind of, go against what I want to do and I
have to do what my parents tell me to do. But there's a reward. And if parents do
a bad job of this, the problem is then somebody else is going to teach junior to
obey - the school, the guard at the prison. The cruelty of society for someone
who has no education, no skills, no willingness to pay attention, no ability
to just do what they're told. So Paul here adds one caution to all of this
obedience stuff, one caution. Notice, not to moms, but to dads. And that is, not to
overdo the authority thing. Now some Bibles use the term provoked to anger or
to stir up emotionally. How do they do that? It says, "Fathers, do not
exasperate your children, so they'll not lose heart." Become so
discouraged. How do father's, how could they do that? Well sometimes the
goals are just too high. You've got to be first. You've got to win. You've got to always
place in the top three, all the time. Excellence at all costs. Or being
inconsistent. Sometimes curfew is at 10:00, sometimes curfew is at midnight, sometime -
What's curfew this week? Sometimes it's just lack of praise and appreciation. A kid
has to know, am I doing okay? Am I okay, dad? Are you proud of me?
And not every child is some sports superstar. You know how infantisimal it is that the percentage of elite athletes in the world. They make it
look like everybody should be like that. There's a reason why these people
receive millions and millions of dollars to throw balls, and to hit balls, and to
run around and do stuff. It's because so few people have their
particular skill set. Let me clue you in here on the fact of life,
most everybody's just average. Pretty much everybody's just average. You're
average. I'm average. I'm an average preacher. You're an average
teacher. You're an average whatever you do - welder. I
mean, we're average, but we'd like to be exceptional. So if we're average, we want
our children to be exceptional, because if they're exceptional, it must mean
somehow we're exceptional and nobody noticed. Don't do that. And of course, we
cultivate that in our society. And I don't want to go off on a rant here, but I
mean, when everybody gets a trophy, when everybody gets a prize, it
stokes this idea of, yeah, I'm so special. Or favoritism. Those of you who have more
than one child know exactly what I'm talking about. There's always one child
that thinks they're the favorite, or they're being favored over another
child. In our family everybody thought Emilie was the favorite. They kept going -
well, she was, but I mean, there are reasons for that. I never got
any three-am calls for Emilie. But favoritism, it happens in families. Sometimes a child is just easier, more obedient
than, perhaps, the more self-willed child. That's just a challenge that parents,
both parents, especially dads. One of the greatest, in my
research in same-sex attraction, homosexuality, stuff like that while I was
researching the book that I put out many years ago, one of the things that
kept coming back all the time, was one of the key factors that created an
environment that made it more easily, made it easier for someone to
experience same-sex attraction, whether it was male or female was, it actually had a name and had a term. And it was called
father hunger, father hunger. Getting the approval of father. Having an
intimate non-sexual now, but an intimate relationship with father. Like, not having
that, many men, not having that would seek that out with other men. Fathers
don't hug, they don't touch, they don't kiss. I kissed my father until
the day he died. I mean, I was only 15, 16. But I would kiss him. Maybe, we were
Italian or whatever, but my sons still kiss me. It's so important to have, for
fathers there was no such term for mother. There was no mother
hunger. It was always father hunger for males and females.
Somehow, if they didn't get that intimate father-son, father-daughter thing they
would seek it out or act out in a way that was self-destructive sexually.
Now this class is not about that, but it's just so important. I can't
emphasize this enough for you men out there who are fathers, who have
children at home, how important that is. Grandfathers how important it is. And
then, of course, creating jealousy by devoting too much time to work or
hobbies. Children can be jealous. We think only wives are jealous,
because you've got your bowling team. Well, I guess nobody bowls
anymore, but you know what I'm saying. Football widows, golf widows, whatever. And we kind of understand that idea. But children can be jealous also. Don't
you think they notice that dad will choose a weekend with
the go-karts or the four-wheelers with the buddies instead of weekend
with him or her or them. I don't mean just once in a while, everybody has that, but you know what I'm saying. When consistently, when it's a choice between
the kids or my hobby, it's always my hobby, always. It's every football
game. It's every basketball game. Every one. I don't miss those. I can miss junior's
baseball game. I can miss the time when Junior wants a story read. Don't you
think junior can hear the cheers of the crowd and Dad - go OU. Don't
you think he can hear that? When what he wanted was a kiss good night and a hug. And all he gets is, yeah, good night. Go OU. Ask yourself, how much OU is going to
comfort you when your kids in trouble. Call the coach. See if the coach will
come and comfort you, because your child doesn't want to talk to you. Because the
amount of interaction you have with them with their small usually dictates how
much interaction they'll have with you when they're grown up. It's a famous song by
Harry Chapin that came out many years ago about that. So discouragement can easily lead to
either depression or withdrawal or rebellion or acting out in a child. I mean,
listen, I tell young parents: nothing creates more guilt than parenting. You
don't need the preacher to make you guilty. Parents feel guilty
because they want to do a good job. Most parents that want to do a good job.
And they blame themselves for everything. Well, not
everything is your fault. Children make choices too. But some of it
is our fault. Some of it is. And it's never too late to change it. So the
fourth element of the Christian standard is an orderly family. An orderly family
is a tremendous witness of Christian grace and the presence of God in your
life. Listen, people they don't see you when you're in church. You don't
have a chance to preach to them. It's very rare that you have the
opportunity to share your faith with your workmates. It
happens once in a while, but the thing that they see all the time is your
family. They hear you talk to your wife - I love you, babe. Okay, I'll be
home. Yeah, I'll get the kids ready, we're going to go to the thing. They witness what your family is like. They hear you complaining about your
husband or your wife or whatever. That's your Christian witness. That's the thing
that establishes the credibility of your faith with them, because in their minds they're
thinking, well if this guy can't even take care of his own family, he's got
nothing to teach me about religion, right? So Paul says that an orderly family
requires three main components. You can't have it without these: number one, a
submissive wife - begins with the woman, because she is the key to a balanced
Christian home. Yeah, I know that sounds old-fashioned, but it is so true. The wife is the key. She's the heart. A
woman who respects and supports her husband's leadership despite his flaws
and hers, as well, this is the first component in an orderly family. Why do I
say that? Because Paul begins with the wife. Let's face it, okay. So the
leadership is supposed to be, moral, spiritual leader is
supposed to be with the husband, right? Why didn't he start with the husband?
What did he say, well, okay, here's the ordered family, number one, let's start
with the the head, the man. He doesn't start with him. He starts with
the important element first - the woman. She's the heart. Then a loving husband, a
man who understands and accepts and practices loving leadership of his wife
and children is the second part of the equation. Now a lot of people ask, well
if my husband won't lead, what is a Christian woman to do? My answer, well
then don't you lead him because that's not your job. The job is left
vacant. So what do I do, says the woman. I tell them, lead your
children, lead your children. Did you not hear about Timothy, whose father was a
Greek. Who taught him how to be a Christian? Who taught him obedience? Who
taught him about spiritual life? "From an early age you have known the holy
writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation." Paul says, Second
Timothy 3:15. Who gave him that? Well, his mother gave him that and his grandmother
gave him that. Your job is not to lead your husband. If your husband won't lead, your
job then is to lead your children. And then of course, the third element,
obedient children. Ordered families suffer their greatest strains when
children begin to test the limits of parental authority. Paul says it is
possible to do this without discouraging the children. I used to
compare it to rope. I used to compare with our
children how much rope I give you, there's just so much rope.
And I used to assure them my goal is to give you all the rope eventually, that's my
role. My goal is to make sure that you are free of my authority and you fly on
your own, but in the meantime I'm holding the rope. I'm letting it go slowly. And the
speed at which I release the rope is dependent upon your obedience to me. The
more you obey, the more rope I give you. So we'll go back to Emilie. Why was it
that Emilie at 15 and a half had her own car, had a job, worked after school. Why?
Because she was an obedient child. I gave her a lot of rope. And as parents, we know, it isn't the same rule for every child. Some children you
have to hold the rope, right? You have to hold on like a
wild bull. You have to hold the rope. So we've learned that consistency
and fairness and tenderness, this goes a long way in repairing and maintaining
the bonds with children at this time, because there are times in a
relationship with a child, the only thing that works, the only thing you can do is
just hug them. I love you. We don't agree here. I'm sad this thing has happened. But
you're my daughter, you're my son, I love you. I will always love you.
We'll talk about it tomorrow. All right, so that's our lesson for today.
We keep going. We have two lessons left in this series. Thank you
for your attention.
