Divorce is hard enough and then there's
this whole co-parenting thing. How do you co-parent with a controlling ex? Co-parenting is one of those challenging
issues that comes up after a divorce. Two households now. Different parenting
styles. It's a tough kind of a situation to be in. I think where we start today
folks, is we're going to adjust our goal a little bit. The word co-parenting. Kind
of implies that we're going to work together. We're going to be on the same
page and we're going to collaborate. It has this feeling of teamwork and that
sometimes is an unrealistic goal after a divorce.
So, the adjustment that I would suggest is that we change our expectation just a
bit. Let's not get too hung up on whether someone's going to co-parent with us. Or
be a reasonable partner in raising these kids. Instead, let's focus on what we
control and let's set this up in a way that doesn't require any particular
input from any other party. I think you'll see what I mean is we give into
this model. When parents are together raising their children, it's like the
child's world is all neatly combined into this circle. It's all nice and tidy.
When a divorce occurs or a separation, it's like we create another world. So,
that there are two worlds. Let's call this one, "my world" and let's call this
one "my ex's world." 2 worlds and they're very different. You'll notice that your
ex has set things up in a way that you never would. They're doing things over
here that are clearly different from what you're doing
over here. And you know which world's better, don't
you? In fact, can we just take a moment here. As we talk about co-parenting with
a controlling ex. Is your ex watching this video too? Does your ex think that
you are the controlling one? Swallow hard for just a minute and be honest with
yourself. Are you the controlling ex? Now, we're
friends, we can talk here, okay? Just be open to that possibility because
if it's you then maybe some adjustments would be helpful in the interest of your
children. Because in this model, where are the kids?
Right here in the middle. Look at this for a moment from the kids perspective.
When there are two battling sides, is it safe to be here in the middle? See, that's
kind of dangerous, you catch a lot of crossfire. The kids exist in your world
and in your ex's world. They have to find some way to peaceably exist in both
worlds. So, I've got five specific strategies for you today on how to
co-parent effectively with that controlling ex. And hopefully your ex is
watching this too. Number 1, stay focused on the kids and what their
experience is. Remember, they are here in the middle. Can I just tell you a quick
about a case that I handled years ago when I was doing child custody
evaluations for the court? I had a family where Mom lived in Europe. Dad lived in
the United States. So, can you see these two worlds have completely separated. Mom
spoke German, Dad spoke English. These 2 worlds were so different that this child
who is 3 years old at the time, had to learn both
languages. Now, would it be right for Mom or Dad to say, "No, that language is the
wrong language, you need to speak this language." Well, sure in your world, I do.
But what about what I'm in the other world? That child needs to learn both
languages. For you as a parent, it's really easy to get focused on your own
world, I think No. My language is the right language, my
religion is the right religion, my ideas about education or the right ideas about
education, my ideas about healthcare are the right ideas about healthcare. We
think because it's ours, that it's right. And that's a form of destructive pride
that as is hurting our kids. Be open to the fact that your child exists also
here. And the things that are going on over here are different from, which
doesn't mean wrong -- they're different from the things that are going on in
your world. This takes some humility. But tip number 1 is to stay focused on the
children and what their experience is. Strategy number 2. Create the best
world possible in your own world. Create the best world possible in your own
world. Most of your concerns are not over here, are they? Now, you're concerned
about what's going on over here. And that's natural and normal. But it's
outside of your control. So, you create the most sane stable loving environment
that you possibly can in your own world. Pay attention to that,
put your energy into that. This is where you shine and where you have some
control. You create the most sane, stable, loving, the best world possible in your
own world. Strategy number 3 comes right along with it. Solve the problems
in your world. Solve the problems in your world. I'm thinking of family that I
worked with where Dad bought a laptop for his son. Son takes laptop to mom's
house for the weekend. Mom has different rules about what can
happen with computer time. Then dad has. Do you see any potential problems coming
up? Mom enforces rules at her house which includes confiscation of the laptop. Now,
you can see how this could blow up very quickly.
What should Dad do about this? What is the problem in dad's world?
Well, Dad is concerned that mom has rules that he doesn't agree with and
that's why getting something laptop in the first place. But he doesn't control
that. So, when I say solve the problem in your own world, Dad now has a problem in
his world where the laptop is missing. Well, what's the problem? Well, he let it
out of his home. Now, Dad might be thinking, "But he should be able to do
whatever he wants to with his laptop in Mom's world." Well, that's mom's world, Mom
gets to set the rules over there. The fact that kid took the laptop to mom's
house is a problem now for dad because the laptop is missing, okay? Do you see
how this could have been avoided if Dad would have solved the problem in his own
world. Don't send the laptop. The laptop stays here. Well, now son's going to say, "Well,
that's my laptop. I wanted to do whatever I want to." Yeah, this gets into problems
really quickly when we try to enforce rules or solve problems in the ex's
world. You don't want to go there. You solve the problems in your own world.
Another example, Mom has some rules about language, respectful language. Kid goes to Dad's house for the weekend, comes back swearing.
Okay, that's against the rules in Mom's house. Mom is tempted to take on Dad and
say, "Hey, you need to be more careful about what kind of language you're using
in your home." No! Mom, solve the problems in your own world.
What's the problem in Mom's world? My kids swearing in my world. That has
nothing to do with Dad's world. Now, meanwhile, Mom's thinking, "Well, yes it
does. That's where he learned it." Okay, regardless of where you learned,
I don't care if you learned it at that dad's or on TV or at school. You've got a
problem in your world now, Mom. Your kids swearing in your world. Take it on. We got
another video about how to help kids with swearing. You handle the problems in
your own world. Now, strategy number 4. And this one is
powerful. Practice forgiveness. Now, I know. We're not going to launch into the Sunday
morning devotional here. I'm not talking about the religious kind of forgiveness
that we talk about in church. I'm talking about, you let go of your need for a
better world or a better past maybe is even more accurate. You let go of your
attachment for something better than what you've already got
and accepted that's what it is. Practicing forgiveness also means that
you come up with a whole new story about your circumstances. Remember what we've
talked about in other videos in this channel about staying positive no matter
what. How can you do that in the midst of this whole mess that you're in? Well,
that's a pretty good question. And make sure that it's a question not a
statement disguised as a question. "How can I do this and..." No. Question. How can I
do this? Is there a way I can look at this where I can feel gratitude. Not
disdain and hate. Is there a way I can do this that has me showing up is the most
conscious, positive parent that I could possibly be. And there's some really good
answers to those questions. Practice forgiveness. I'm glad you found this
video and I'm honored to be on your team. If you're new to Live on Purpose TV,
click that subscribe button right down there. standing in the
