<Heavy rain and thunder SFX> NARRATOR:
This is "CliffSide," a lawless town ruled by only the most ruthless, Johnny Law evadin'-est, no good horse spookin'-est, dastardly of the dastardly. Aka . . . WAYLON:
My voice over. CREATURE:
What? Did- Did somebody say something? WAYLON:
N- CREATURE:
Something about a voice over? WAYLON:
Not me! NARRATOR:
It was me! I'm Two-Bit Jerry! A gunslinger and an outlaw! So begone monster! Back to the cliffs with ya! JO:
Waylon, my dad needs ya. WAYLON:
Ah, Jo! Watch out! CREATURE:
<Roar> JO:
Scary. WAYLON:
I said begone! NARRATOR:
That's honest Jo, my partner in crime. She's never told a lie! JO:
You're bad at this. CREATURES:
<ROAR> WAYLON:
Uh oh! Forgot they could do that! CREATURES:
<ROAR> Ah! Background Street Crosser, watch out! BGSC:
Oh, don't mind me, just moseying along! Ooo! Ahh! Oh my!!!! WAYLON:
Aahh! WAYLON:
I'm, uh, out of bullets. JO:
Same. WAYLON:
What's important is we fight to the- wait what? Nice! I'm a better shot than I thought! Ah!!! Oof! Jo, help! I was being cheeky, I know you shot them! Jooo!!!! I'm sorry, I learned my lesson! NARRATOR:
Secretly, I haven't learned a th- WAYLON:
Oooo my God, the other one is coming!!!!! Now I'm learning my lesson twice as fast! Jo!!!! TWO-BIT PINECONE:
Sheriff Pinecone, hand over the money and no one gets hurt! SHERIFF PINECONE:
Not this time, Two-Bit. Somebody sold you out. TWO-BIT PINECONE:
<GASP!> My old partner! JO:
Whatcha doing? WAYLON:
Wha?! Ahhhh!!! Ooof. Ow. JO:
Remember how this town is surrounded by monsters? WAYLON:
Yeah! What do you mean?! I shot like 50 in the intro sequence! JO:
50? WAYLON:
Didnât even cry. JO:
Nothing suspicious about mentioning that specifically. WAYLON:
Ah, whatever! Just be glad I helped you at all! Iâm Two-Bit Jerry! A no good dastardly gunslinger! Eeeh. I, er, I once shot a man just fer lookinâ at me wrong! Then I shot âem again fer dyinâ! Pew pew... JO:
Just pretend to stand watch. WAYLON:
Fine. <Sigh> <Struggling> <Struggling> <Graahhh!!!> Whoops! Hrmmm... AAhh!!!! WAYLON:
Mrrmmm... ...Hmmm? <Struggling> Hmmm? Uhhhh. Hello? <BIRD SQUAWK> Gah!!! WAYLON:
Itâs fine, you can stay over there. CORDIE:
<Giggling> <Giggling Intensifies> <Pain> Four of my eyes! WAYLON:
Okay, that was weird. CORDIE:
No it wasnât. It was... <Hehe> . . . horrifying. Iâm going to eat you now. <Nom> WAYLON:
Cut it out! Iâm Two-Bit Jerry, the most dastardly outlaw there is! I once shot a sheriff just cuz I was grumpy from shootinâ sheriffs all day! CORDIE:
Really? WAYLON:
Yessss . . . I- Iâm so dastardly, I once shot my own posse just cuz my g- g- gun was gettin' heavy with the extra bullets! Plus... I once distracted a stupid spider long enough to escape her dumb web! Haha!!! Whoops!!!! AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Ugghhh... Ouch... But more importantly, HA HA!!! CORDIE:
That was nifty! WAYLON:
Gah! How the heck did you- ???:
<ROAR> YANNIS:
<Oof.> YANNIS:
Well what do we have here? Looks like Cordie finally caught something other than flies! CORDIE:
Ha...Hey Yannis, hi Death Itself. <FLIES BUZZING> YANNIS:
Ha! Nice. So how âbout you hand over the little cowboy? CORDIE:
Wait, what? But you just said... YANNIS:
Oh please, Cordie, how âbout you be useful and stand watch for more prey or something? And speaking of being useless, come near my nest to scavenge for food again and Iâll rip your tiny head off- WAYLON:
Ah, put a lid on it! She was gonna eat me just fine till you guys showed up! Did it ever occur to you maybe I can do more than just STAND WATCH?! CORDIE:
Wait...you mean... ...me? WAYLON:
Who? YANNIS:
<ROAR> WAYLON/CORDIE:
<Scream> WAYLON:
AAhhhahaa!!!! I regret so many things!!! YANNIS:
<ROAR> YANNIS:
I think I like you two much better as PUDDLES! WAYLON/CORDIE:
<Scream> CORDIE:
You... stood up for me. WAYLON:
No, I think I was transferring personal issues! Huh?! Mmff. YANNIS:
Huh? YANNIS:
<Scream> WAYLON:
Wha-... ...that was... CORDIE:
That was AWESOME! You were so awesome! WAYLON:
I was going to say "questionable physics," but, yeah. I mean, of course I was. ...wait, really? CORDIE:
They were all like, "Meh meh meh!" and you were all like, "Ahh!! Take a lid and put it on... that." <Giggle> Y- You stood up to them! I wanna be JUST. LIKE. YOU. WAYLON:
Oh, haha, I donât know, the life of an outlaw ainât easy. That, uh, was pretty cool what you just did there yourself. CORDIE:
Iâll do it. Anything. WAYLON:
<Ahem> Whelp, since youâve seen how great I am, I suppose I have noooo choice. <Various Screams> BANK TELLER:
Ahhh! Ack! <Choking> CORDIE:
<Giggling> <Muffled Screams> WAYLON:
Whoa, montages are dangerous. Cordie, I didnât think weâd actually rob- ???:
Hands up, we got ya surrounded! WAYLON:
W- What?! But Iâm not... CORDIE:
YOUâLL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!!!!! WAYLON:
But weâre open to possibilities! Cordie, I... This got way out of hand! CORDIE:
Itâs okay! I got this! I wont let you down, I promise! JO:
Alright. Death it is. CORDIE:
Heh. <Various Screams> JO:
Waylon. WAYLON:
Eeehehe... Oh God. JO:
Wut in TARNATION is goinâ on? WAYLON:
Oh God, sheâs gone southern. CORDIE:
Hey! Lay off my partner! I once shot a man just fer l- JO:
BACK OFF. CORDIE:
Oh my God, yes of course. So sorry. JO:
Waylon, explain. WAYLON:
Itâs not my fault! This spider lady tried to eat me! CORDIE:
I like your hat! WAYLON:
I was teaching her to be a gunslinger, but like, AH JO! You should have seen it! We killed this giant pterodactyl and Death Itself! CORDIE:
Well...not Death Itself, you canât kill death. WAYLON:
Oh, yeah, well I mean, that makes sense. WAYLON/CORDIE:
Obviously/Thatâs kinda his whole thing. WAYLON:
Anyway, so we uh... ...I uh... ...I just... <Smack smack> WAIT WHAT?! DEATH ITSELF:
<Distorted Screams> CORDIE:
Okay, my horrendous buzzing of flies is a liiiiiittle rusty, but I think he wants Two-Bit Jerryâs...... .....hat? DEATH ITSELF:
<Distorted Screams> ...Scarf? DEATH ITSELF:
<Distorted Scream> <Distorted Screams> BGSC:
Donât mind me, just crossinâ the stre- Whoops! There I go. CORDIE:
<Giggling> WAYLON:
...What just happened. JO:
Sooo, you gonna learn your lesson, orrrrr? WAYLON:
I... <grumble> Can I at least learn it in a standoff? JO:
<sigh> Make it fast. WAYLON:
Cordie, I made everything up. CORDIE:
What? WAYLON:
NOTHING! STANDOFF TIME!!!!! WAYLON:
HEY, DEATH! Why donât you pick on someone from your own metaphysical plane of existence?! WAYLON:
Prepare yourself, Death. Iâm gunna do somethinâ I shouldâve done to ya the first time we met... WAYLON:
...Given you VALIDATION! See, Mr. Death Itself, I learned something today. <Inaudible> CORDIE:
Boy, I wonder how itâs goinâ over there. JO:
Seems like heâs...actually got a handle on it. WAYLON:
Therefore the moral of this episode is: if you validate someone enough you can manipulate them into doing whatever you say! Good job Death, whoâs a good little Death? You are! You earned that sheriff star didnât you? Please donât kill me. Ah, no, no, no WAIT! Aghh! ACK! OOF! DAH! ...ugh... <Cough> You know, technically, you being our sheriff and protecting the town would mean less dead people and less work for you... if you think about it. <Cowers> <Tongue Click> JO:
<sigh> He didnât learn a thing. WAYLON:
Yer darn right I saved the town! Woooo!!!!! JO:
I wish I got more credit for things I broke and then barely fixed. Now who wants to stand watch? WAYLON:
Are you kidding me?! Iâm way too cool for that now- Ow. I do. CORDIE:
Me too! I once looked at something and only lost focus for THREE HOURS! JO:
Spider girl isnât coming. CORDIE:
Hey Jo, by the way, if the sheriff position was open... what happened to the sheriff before Death? JO:
I dunno. Shot. Bandits probably. Culprit was never caught. CORDIE:
Faaascinating.
That was awesome.