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till that the shortest marriage in recorded history was three minutes on the way out of the courthouse the bride tripped over and fell instead of helping her up the groom called her stupid on the spot the bride insisted the magistrate annulled the wedding and the magistrate complied good for her [Music] team gets always i worked really hard parents well of course you did this is the expectation not a celebration probably why so many teens take to social media where they can enthusiastically share their interests and achievements and get positive feedback that their parents never gave me playing pokemon 10 years ago oh man if only pokemon was rely would be the very best my freaking over level team of six dragons eats these npc youngsters for breakfast i would be a freaking goddess among men i would tame the fiercest legendaries of every region and scale the ranks of every league and maybe one day when i'm older even settle down somewhere and open my own gym me playing pokemon now dude how amazing would it be to just own a tiny house somewhere near the callus flower fields have my pally roth help me water my crops i wish i could wake up and comb my alalan doug trios main before i start the day my sun florus may not be that great in battle but look how happy they are greeting the first morning light hey is that a young trainer coming this way his team looks tired i bet one of my freshly baked tropius banana pies could heal him right up he'll probably need this tm more than i do too you either die the hero will have long enough to see yourself become the npc [Music] i love shrikes because they are horrible little carnivores whose feeding habits are grim enough to earn them the nickname butcher bird but they look like this [Music] my sister's friend brought brownies in cupcake wrappers to my house and i picked one up and turned it over and noticed there were aureus baked into the bottom so i gasped and said to my dad these are not regular brownies and my dad's eyes went so wide and he whispered pot portoff she must be so scared why don't you come up here so i can smack that grin off of your face best transition in the history of tv folks i'm just gonna say it i don't think it rains for long enough periods of time it rains hard it sounds good i'm comfortable inside but within five minutes the jig is up the dream is over i think it should rain for longer periods of time than it presently does a frog made this post the frog is right i'm going to write an entire post using predictive text gender reveal party has to end u.s news earlier today gender reveal party results in a massive fire and a 220 000 fine op controls reality hey girl you single no would you like to be aggressive divorce attorney advertising campaign you can do better babe let's make this happen thrift stores are like we have the ugliest shirts that have ever existed on this planet and gay teenagers alike do you promise frick anyone who says i have to forgive everyone for my sake i worked hard for this anger i worked hard to love myself enough to hate them crap yeah this is a thing that is hard to articulate some people don't feel healed by forgiving the people who hurt them because that's what they kept doing over and over and it only led to getting more hurt sometimes you feel healed when you're finally brave enough to say this person was horrible to me and i did not deserve that treatment and i don't have to be okay with it [Music] hey people who know astrology crap i've been having a lot of feelings lately any planets i can blame that on earth what is your most irrational fear the way you spell that word i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low [Music] but boys it's amazing how much we can see ourselves in some of the other rape species and how much they likely see of themselves in us everyone in the comments going had her two apes looking at a bug beat you're looking too three apes looking at a bug past 10 slogans we were farmers nationwide was on your side you were in good hands because you were worth it only you cold stopped forest fires [Music] who's gonna dm at my wedding roll for wedding vows it's an add one me husband i say nervously as i accidentally knock out the marriage efficient and somehow eat the ring me sitting on a throne bare chested butt wearing ornately ingrained plate armor on my arms and legs and cloaked in fine almost translucent silks with an enormous snake draped over my shoulders i got lost in the fantasy of this dope outfit and forgot what kind of post i was gonna make what men think women want what women actually want a chunky seal the perfect gift i probably spend too much time in my computer chair this is my brother sorry for sitting on him did you know the average person can fit about 10 starfish in their mouth in other unrelated news i'm now banned from the aquarium back in the old days where dvds were entered from businesses trying to cash in on blockbuster's success my dad used to burn the dvds so we'd have our own copy but he'd always have the weirdest label ideas we would have candid photos with a huge title that would say crap like pokemon plant movie and the day after banana there is only one dvd i have recovered from this time shrek i hate having a bibliography is it not enough to write 2500 words of my own totally subjective opinions using only the primary source are you tired of secondary sources don't you just want to go ape crap let's be real in a time before the internet people didn't have more adventures and make more meaningful connections they watched tv and listen to cds before that they listened to records and read magazines before that they listened to the radio and read bad dime novels before that they embroidered or some crap people have been staying inside and ignoring other people for as long as there have been buildings i think we all needed this [Music] very controversial statement for tumblr but sometimes when i read books or watch movies i enjoy them consuming media is for [ __ ] this post is just tumblr's last two brain cells fighting for dominance this one is different he's honest and sweet and wouldn't do anything to hurt me he's a guy i love watching disney movies when you're older and come across scenes like this i laughed for five minutes hades was the original sassy gay friend of course he is a sassy gay friend look at him he's flaming this post is perfect good morning kings let's push this boulder bad news about the boulder everyone good morning kings let's push this boulder oh please sit on me this image gives off such a horrible energy i think i died an extremely cursed item i hope the world doesn't turn into mad max because i can't drive hi this is your uber driver here i'm parked in front of a morton joe shrine i love old science fiction because it's all like it's the distant year 2003 and man is exploring the deep corners of the universe like god bless you old sci-fi you had such high hopes for us what the frick is this this seriously a good freaking time that's what i hope this email finds you living in a shotgun shack i hope this email finds you in another part of the world i hope this email finds you behind the wheel of a large automobile i hope this email finds you in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife wish there was a washing machine type thing for humans i too would like to gently warm buttons to be cleaned [Music] chunky oh he fat why he fat you know what's weird hair like it can't be cold or warm hair when you touch it it's just hair temperature this site i swear to god you'll pay attention while driving i just took a nap going 80 down the highway i let the devil guide me asking for feat picks is a banneable offense so his offering to lichtos offering to eat is an immediately bannable offense he's talking directly to dr bashir [Music] first law of robotics they can't we are gathered here today because somebody glares at coffin couldn't stay alive that well-dressed fellow in the corner we call him the gentleman thief why just last year he single-handedly stole more than 40 gentlemen not to be confused with the gentleman thief who is very kind whilst stealing your man jarlene one time my rabbi told us imagine you had a box with a little bit of god in it what would you do with the box so we were like we'd protect it and keep it nice and clean and polished and he was like your body's that box stop eating markers there's a big difference between food waste as in farmers destroy tons of food to avoid exceeding quotas or supermarkets throw away this much edible food because it doesn't sell and food waste as in it is not actually within the capacity of humans to perfectly predict and track household food consumption so a certain amount of food per household inevitably goes bad and has to be thrown out every year the idea that food waste is the product of thoughtless consumers rather than corporate greed is really insidious i'm no offense but my body is made of crushed little stars and i'm not afraid of anything fight me in space me standing on my asteroid you standing on your asteroid every 600 million years when their orbits just barely intersect we attempt to smack each other no offense but can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars i could really use a wish right now listen i'm not the biggest fan of kids but if a child looks at me then you bet i'm gonna smile back at them kids deserve to experience the world as a kind and safe place to explore okay human instincts ghost detection no one here knows you but they all hate you go pet that large predatory animal hit person with cardboard tube slap someone with overly long sleeves go upstairs on all fours test click kitchen tongs sternly tell inanimate objects to stay pull out blades of grass when sitting on lawns make special scissor motion with your index and middle finger to show you're looking for scissors minces you puts you on a toasted baguette with a little balsamic and olive oil me i'm so excited for the season finale season is final me what the frick why can't we understand dogs but dogs can understand us that was deep homie i've been thinking about this all day trick storm the houses are soundtracks gryffindor the b movie ravenclaw bbc sherlock slytherin game of thrones hufflepuff shrek me not today satan satan you've been canceling our plans for weeks now if it's something i said please just tell me your body is a poop gun and eating is just reloading i guess is no one going to talk about the man who ran for president this year who wore a boot on his head and wanted everyone to get free ponies [Music] i've been looking for this and i found again why on earth would you bring this back he tossed glitter all over a guy who was against same shrek's marriage on live tv once i would vote for him [Music] avigato found the pepsi phone but it only comes in gold for some reason this [Music] there's a hamburger in the elevator at school taking lunch to the next level did you just when you go to bed the day you started your period 12 a.m first night yahoo google whoa 2009 was a big year for bing i'm laughing so hard delete me plus stop staying why kai board kais i and eth things toddlers and i have in common need naps will scream dog when there's a dog cry too much screaming question marks need to be held often so many concerts not enough money so many concerts wrong country so my mom is a dispatcher for our town's police and one time a man called 911 saying that he was with his kid and he didn't think he was breathing and so my mom rushed a few ambulances out and directed him on how to give cpr over the phone and the man told my mom that his son was breathing again and my mom was so pleased but then once the ambulances got there they radioed in asking for a cycle because apparently the man had been giving cpr to a cantaloupe escalators are better than elevators because when escalators break they turn into stairs but when elevators break they turn into vertical coffins that boy you just called gay well he is gay he's your boyfriend both of you are gay how do you keep forgetting this jeffrey [Music] these cats live in our office this is where they sleep have you considered only one cat sleeps there and the rest are copy cats walks around grocery store like a coming-of-age movie protagonist this girl that sits with me was complaining about another girl because she likes the same band as her but doesn't dress like it so obviously she doesn't really listen to them how do you dress like the music you listen to as an imagined dragons fan i'm never seen not in a full dragon costume [Music] my cat is famous does its belly look like voldemort or am i insane omfg it does polly wtf fake conversations in your head of you venting to someone how i stay sane i fought the milwaukee covenant church gym down to level two come kill them if i traveled back in time and tried to explain this text to young me there's literally no way [Music] kyle hey todd looks like you've been pumping i'm tot nope been pumpkin iron flex is pumpkin bicep bites bicep i've been making dad jokes for years but my wife and i are expecting our first child and i've finally been making dad jokes while actually being a dad when we were in the hospital i got my wife a blanket what was awesome was they were kept in this machine that was specifically made to heat blankets i laid the blanket over my wife and said do you think they keep these at room temperature i heard a nurse laugh for a solid three minutes this is beautiful this is my legacy at airport by honey love you to the moon and back you're the best bust a nut not sure if my mother knows what this means i physically cannot breathe someone once said to me i hope the pain eases soon it struck me as the purest blessing that had ever been offered over my head i hope the pain eases soon it's so gentle so kind so hopeful so to everyone who's hurting i see how hard you're trying and i hope your pain will ease soon has anyone else died for you what is this a freaking contest [Music] you

Channel: Tumblr Reads

Views: 66,267

Rating: 4.9556665 out of 5

Keywords: tumblr, tumblr memes, dank memes, dank, memes, meme, funny, lol, comedy, humor, r/tumblr, best of tumblr, top tumblr posts, funny tumblr posts, hot tumblr posts, funniest tumblr posts, cowbelly, comment awards, tumblr reads, tumblr trophies, tumblr awards, text posts, tumblr posts

Id: UXBocDvatJg

Length: 16min 46sec (1006 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 22 2020