Clean comedian David Ferrell

ah yeah Larry said it I was nominated as one of the top ten inspirational comedians of the year two years in a row I see you're impressed it actually it sounds impressive until you realize there's only 14 of us and then it's no big deal at all so people always ask me he's so funny my booking agent he's like you know you need to come up with a good title for your show something that draws people to you like Dennis Swanberg is the minister of encouragement that's good ken Davis says lighten up and live that's good too I say hire comedian David Farrell he has no other marketable skills it's not true for 14 years I was an airport shuttle bus driver at the raleigh-durham International Airport I have a book out called my life goes full circle every 15 minutes stories of the airport shuttle bus driver and like a lot of people that don't make a lot of money I used to have to wear that nametag had my first name underneath my occupation so it said David Van driver this lady gets on my shuttle bus she's like oh are you German it's like no actually think I'm English or Irish or something she's like you know it's really odd that your last name is van driver and you drive a van I had this older gentleman on my shuttle bus I'm like what are you doing here in Raleigh Durham North Carolina he's like I mom I'm here for my 75th highschool reunion so why 75 years out of high school I don't mean to be rude or intrusive how many other people are you expecting he said well there's at least one more somebody sent me an invitation I used to work on my own material try out original jokes on unsuspecting people on the shuttle bus people get on the shuttle bus I'm like you know the Ford Motor Company has come up with a dinosaur collection of cars you won the big luxury car they have the brontosaurus if you want the aerodynamic sports car they have the Stegosaurus but they are having problems with the Tyrannosaurus because apparently the Tyrannosaurus Rex now you would think being twice nominated for something that the work would get better and better but it doesn't I got a call from this lady she's like it's this David Pharrell I said this is David Farrell she said David this is Louis Leader my son Matthew is having his Bar Mitzvah we've checked with all the Jewish comedians and the tow expensive we're going the next level down to the Christians and you have a Jewish name so I did it there is pressure because look I'm not gonna tell you now the economy is not doing well we all know that it was never more evident then I got a call from a company three years ago they had Jay Leno as their Christmas comedian a hundred and fifty thousand dollars for one hour ten thousand dollars in travel expenses this past year they had me so I'm feeling the pressure following Jay Leno of all people so I did the show and this lady makes a beeline for me she's like you know you weren't as funny as our last comedian I said you mean Jay Leno yes was I half as funny oh yeah will you owe me $75,000 so I have a little bit more money now so I was able to get with these GPS systems I'm so glad I have that because up til last year I use MapQuest for all my travel needs MapQuest says it all it is a quest for a map they can't get you anywhere clip they get you like four miles from where you need to be but never the right Street you follow directions all of a sudden you're sitting in someone's neighborhood looking at their house Mike this is not where I need to be so I'd like just old school send it to me in the mail I'll read it I'll follow the directions now I was doing the show about an hour from here in Goldsboro and on the itinerary it said you're working at the largest club in town now in a small town everybody knows we're the largest club is I stopped on the outskirts of town I asked the lady behind the counter at the convenient Mart where is the largest club in town she gets out you're working at Sam's so I go driving back down the highway sure enough there it is Sam's Club it is a little deceiving because underneath the sign it did say Members Only but I feel really smart being from North Carolina I really do I mean we're a cool state we're first in flight first in turkeys first in furniture but we do lead the nation any literacy point eight percent of the population of our state cannot read or write and I said all that's so sad but you know I would use that to my advantage cop pulls you over me reduce you to correct address well I don't know what's inside they just take the stop sign back there four letter word I don't know what it was other me I'm from North Carolina I did a little research I found that the first settlers in North Carolina settled on Roanoke Island on the Outer Banks of North Carolina now all the people disappeared with the last remaining clue the letter C R Oh a inscribed up on a tree now everybody thought that was from the Croatan indians but i'm convinced it was a fruit stand someone was selling corn Jeff felt bad making fun of people that cannot read or write that opened up these fruit stands I went back I bought a bushel of clue comers and sweat potatoes some of you still don't get it they had another sign that said hand dyed ice cream D ided night I knew it was dead that I wanted some I went over I said I'd like some of that hand dipped ice cream he said how am I escapes you won't I said I don't know how big is your hand I do a lot of the grocery shopping growing up in a big family being the middle child not having a lot of money I have learned that you can buy anything at the grocery store with a fluorescent circle on it and that means it's good until tomorrow you buy it you put it in the freezer you pull it out in one to six months and you eat it then now I like to see what people put in their basket like I went to the store and I'm watching the sky and in this basket he has cured ham I'm thinking whatever was wrong with this ham what kind of disease did this pan have now that it is cured I saw an older couple with a box of great nuts in their basket grape-nuts good cereal dumb name I think any cereal that you put in milk in three days later it's so hard should be called gravel nuts I saw a granddad and his grandson and in the store in the basket they had depends undergarments and pull-up pants this is the same product in two different sizes put them both on the same commercial I'm a big kid look what I can do I can go in my pants too North Carolina's got more farms than any other state passed the farms here the normal farm sounds chickens rooster saw a bunch of cows that couldn't reproduce how to make sign above their head that said Milk Duds yeah day you Daisy you can't live in the south and not like Nascar you guys big motor racing fans yeah three of you who has a favorite racecar driver yelling out anybody favorite racecar driver now get in there oh good here I'll say mine damn jr. who else has a favorite racecar driver thanks Akane I thought you said casey kasem yeah i'm casey kasem at 80 top 40 no it's not Casey Cain's his name I hear else do we have anyone else Mark Martin guys gang this names our quick ADIZ Martinez guy who else has one favorite racecar driver okay that's it now who's been to a big motor racing event before big track somewhere somewhere where've you been man Indianapolis 500 and that's an Indian okay who else has won Daytona Daytona 500 anyone else dalla Digga Rigga Bobby that's good all right go a short anyone else that's it okay you if you've never been to a big motor racing event you have to go this is southern culture at its finest I went at the Charlotte Motor Speedway last Memorial weekend a hundred and twenty thousand people shirts off drinks in hand people they do not care what their body looks like the shirt comes off I have never seen so much pale white skin pink sunburn in my life and the size of people I mean keep your shirt on I'm sitting beside this guy he's big enough he's using his belly button as a can hug racist they're exciting though don't get me wrong there's a reason you pay $150 for a ticket the cars go around a track at 200 miles an hour oh that's exciting but you know after 50 laps it's not that exciting you know if there's nothing else going on if there's no bumping no action no drafting no accidents it's just fast driving it's like being out on their own estate 40 or i95 by 85 see I think your 50 laps go by and there's nothing else exciting going on they should simulate driving like we have to deal with on a daily basis that's right 50 laps no wreck put a couple deer on the track you get a little old lady let her go 45 miles an hour with the turn signal on in the fast lane a couple these possums for speed bumps there's nothing international about NASCAR what kind of makes and models of cars are on the track oh I hear Ford Ford is one who else Chevy Chevy is one Pontiac is one Dodge is one Toyota is one too Toyota is the new one see they wanted NASCAR to be an international sport what better way than adding a foreign made car like a Toyota now they really wanted to have an Asian race car driver to drive the car to make it international but you have to realize Southern people are good at one and two syllable words Kahne junior Gordon Jarrett Elliot that's three but it's short Japanese names are very long can you see a good old boy jumping up no shirt on drinking hand come on he could love to buckle up I don't think I've been asked his name correctly his car won't even sound like the other cars now when you go to the race you're going to hear this sound like George Jetson North Caroline we're a fun state we really are I've noticed so that people are changing no matter what state you're from the people are changing this whole body piercing and tattooing thing is gotten way out of control I went to an indoor water park the other day one of the few adults there and I want to try to fit in which is hard when you're 44 years old I'm walking around and all the people had a navel piercing I felt left out I went got a bag of peanut M&Ms I stuck an orange one in mine it was a big guy walking around he had a peppermint pattie in his the tattooing is funny I'll never get a tattoo I was never in the military and I have no reason to get a tattoo I'm not bulging with muscles I'm not a former military person I don't see the reason to get it but people get them for no reason now anyone with a tattoo that's here tonight anybody have one we got what do you have sir you've got your last name as a tattoo welcome to North Carolina my name is Bob whatever that says you see them filling out an application for work first name Bob last name well that's your lad your name is very important apparently you're afraid at some point you might lose it so let me put this on here see people a lot of people get them around their bicep lot of guys if they have a big bicep we'll get something around their bicep and that's good if you got a big bicep that smart but my nephew got one around his bicep too barbed wire now if your arm is really big it looks good but his arm is this big around his arm is so small there's only one barbed on it and it's underneath it looks like armpit hair he's one of these facial piercer people he's pierced his face but he's downsized to the nostril one in the nostril which is the most annoying one of all of them he comes over Thanksgiving dinner this shiny thing in his nose I said look there's a lot of people here that don't agree with the whole piercing thing could you please take it out he did we're passing mashed potatoes he puts too much pepper on it and it makes him have to sneeze he covers his nostrils all the snot goes flying out them I will not be sitting to his right next year so my wife and I been married 14 years we have two beautiful children nine and four hard to find stuff on TV that we can watch together as a family you guys have favorite TV shows that you can watch together as a family anybody watched something with someone else I told my wife for Christmas we got a sony 1080p the best television made and the worst television programming in history to watch it on so so funny so we try to watch shows like we watch the reruns of the Crocodile Hunter because I like my kids to see someone that's passionate and loves what they did maybe this a little too much you know messing with these animals we're watching one of the reruns there's a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in a lagoon behind him what does he do he's like look at his beautiful creature I'm gonna go jump on his back ride the thing back into the camera he's sitting between the crocodiles shoulder blades he's patting it like a dogs look at these beautiful creature if I was to move up just two more inches he could snap off my leg I'm at home going move up you know they say that all the problems we experience as adults happen as children and I believe this because I think television programming can have a lot to do with your development into adulthood which might be the reason we're all messed up it's very true you know for 42 years they've been a show on television called Sesame Street Sesame Street for 42 years had has a character living in a trash can we wonder why the unemployment rates over 10 percent Supernanny is a show that never would have been on in the last generation would it we're inviting the English back to tell us how to raise our children we escaped that country over 350 years ago but it's so funny because super nanny has a new teacher the naughty chair it's a timeout chair yeah when I grew up my dad had a naughty chair that was the weapon he used to keep us in line you get the naughty chair another exciting season of American Idol is on you guys watch American Idol law I love America now obviously people get up try their best whether they win or lose or do or don't make the show at least they tried but the one judge on there is kind of little harsh Simon that was absolutely terrible some of the comments don't make sense you know it's like that reminds me of being on a Baltic Cruise at 3 o'clock in the morning after the shrimp buffet what are you talking about I would like to get on the show I have no chance of winning I would just like to get on and try my best but I would like to mess with Simon I would do songs from say Kermit the Frog why are there so many songs about rainbows in ones um II Oh rainbows are visions but only illusions in Mabel's had nothing to hide what's so amazing that keeps us forgetting in what do we think it might be someday we'll find it The Rainbow Connection the lovers the dreamer and me lalalala I just jump around from character to character every week I love you yeah P family but you can't keep doing that you'll never continue to make it through the program eventually you have to sing some real songs like there's actually they want you to sing a number one song from the year 2000 to 2009 there was a beautiful love song in 2006 on the pop charts from a guy named James Blunt the name of the song was beautiful but the words to the song were a little messed up it went like this my life is billions and my love is pure high some an angel of that I'm sure she was smiling at me in the subway but she was with another man and I can't sleep all night cuz I've got a plan no my master didn't actually say I'm a stalker but the words kind of implied that if she was down there in chef way and she with another man but I got a plan my favorite decade for music was the 80s my favorite artists of the 80s a lady named Tracy Chapman Tracy Chapman looked nothing like me but the faster she sang the more she sounded like a sheep now you got a fast car now I got a ticket to any place we gotta meet come on eleven days away remember when you're drowning you're driving in your car yeah guys thanks a lot

Channel: Larry Weaver

Views: 1,050,065

Rating: 4.543684 out of 5

Keywords: clean comedian, clean comedy, Comedian (Profession), clean stand up comedy, clean comedians, stand up comedy clean, funny clean comedians, Hilarious Christian Comedian!

Id: REwzZcxeVQI

Length: 19min 58sec (1198 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 09 2013