Cedric the Entertainer: Straight Jokes No Chaser @ Barclays 5/26/2023

[Music] the original Kingdom coming giving up the statue [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] just to Progressive [Music] welcome y'all New York City give it up everybody I'll see it on this stage tonight man [Applause] it's nice boy it's a nice night in New York tonight [ __ ] outside everybody outside [Applause] everybody rats everybody everybody out there for harassment running in front of me like they were playing tag with each other [ __ ] I was like God damn aggressive as [ __ ] good man good to see you all man we out here look at this [ __ ] it was nice nobody got no man go we outside we outside that's the same when everybody was over [ __ ] like we out hey like we six-year-old we got our bike on the grass and everything [ __ ] ain't anybody got no mask on when I see you that's over that's you know I'm glad this [ __ ] over because that man kind of like hides [ __ ] they might have nice features you see somebody like oh she got light eyes he needs to take a mask down so you're like oh she got dark teeth though look that man's made out of crystal meth you ain't got a molar or a bicuspid oh this whole side gone they is you ain't know how the rules work that's what I was like now that it's over I thought this [ __ ] was a little hoax when I think about it because it's the way they treated you when you go in the restaurant let you know that shit's a [ __ ] because when you walk in the restaurant You Gotta Wear Your masks but when you sit at the table you can take it off I'm like it's cold with that goddamn cordial well it's like oh my man I see you with your family and everything my [ __ ] you got the salmon you got the salmon okay I ain't gonna [ __ ] with you while you eat you go to the bathroom though dog that's your way I'm just like that I don't like people walking around I know how you got it with my partner dlu been knowing this brother 30 years then they got covered on Instagram I know you get this you know Instagram that boy was on Instagram telling the joke for 14 days so my wife was like babe we got to take them food over there every night you know every night we got to take it to him and that's what I realized that I wasn't as Christian as I thought I would I was like we gotta do it I'm nervous as hell I just saw this boy I'm walking up making sure he ain't nowhere near by I got your food [Music] that's what that boy food I ran off like I had missed some firecrackers [Music] [Music] whatever you thought I was in Illuminati or something like [ __ ] you know what you're doing that [ __ ] but I got the shot when with nobody getting it you know like you you know I went and got it with those rules to that [ __ ] it was like you had to be 65 or older or you had to be essential working I wouldn't either one of them but you know us we very resourceful but we need you know people I knew this nurse she was a nurse in the hood in L.A in the in the Crenshaw area in the hood hood and she was like saying you know damn well you ain't supposed to get this shot you ain't 65 or no Central worker but if you come over here you go okay I'm like big Okay so now for the white people in here that was a full conversation I just had every black person in here literally understood everything I just said this is how we talk about y'all at work in front of y'all you got me [ __ ] up all right boys [Music] the thing is you know they was in the hood though for real and I you know and I should have known because I thought it was like at a clinic or a little small hospital or something but this was in somebody's house in the hood and I should have known because my GPS was very suspicious on the way over there my GPS was like get off the interstate and the next exit when you get to the stoplight and come right drive two blocks when you get to the stop sign go left then out of nowhere my GPS was like I said take me on speaker but you sure that's where you're trying to go I got the first shot anything was cool I had no side effects I mean I didn't speak fluent Spanish for about five minutes [Music] let's see a wall out and then normally when you get your first shot you're supposed to get like some chips or apple you got to drink some water you gotta do [ __ ] so you don't have no adverse effects but like I said this [ __ ] was in the hood so that they had leveled that up it was a black lady from the church in there making fish sandwiches on White Bread this [ __ ] all right right here everyone was so good I don't eat that [ __ ] like I had an all-white at a barbecue remember it's all right myself that's my problem because a lot of people have lost weight doing covert everybody was gonna like get they 50 years old and I did too I had lost weight but then I found mine you know and I was like okay that's all they should be waiting years I got this here I know everybody was they came back a lot of people I know it was all in shape [ __ ] I came back looking like a 87 dope boy yeah it's my [ __ ] right there don't worry and stay right there but the thing is is that you know I did man you know I I I I like the snack that's my problem I'm a smack [ __ ] I'm a one snack two snacks three snacks three [Laughter] God I know one of them was a sandwich you can't tell me where when the whole damn sandwich I go smack people that's my problem too is that I just I just snack I can't even help it it's been it's been cold in L.A the last couple of weeks I threw on a jacket I ain't had on in a long time I'm walking I reach in the pocket found two Boston baked beans [Music] they were still crunchy and [ __ ] I don't know when the last time you can even get a Boston lately that's a problem when you're trying to lose weight nowadays this [ __ ] hard because they got all these extra ass [ __ ] we used to have holidays where we know we go eat and that's what it was you ain't got to worry about it Thanksgiving everybody know you're gonna throw down on Thanksgiving ain't nothing to Christmas it could be a lot of cakes pies cookies you gonna eat don't worry about it Easter Grandmama don't go do some [ __ ] go over there you're gonna smack it's all good Fourth of July somebody gonna kill we gonna pull up we gonna eat it even the ones everything [Music] every damn thing situation we're gonna tell me it's national donut day you saying it's National so as a patriot I gotta get one of these old-fashioned Maples you know I'm out there I did I tried to do this [ __ ] I had to Pedal time I did that with everybody got the pedal time you know that was the workout you know that everybody had damn pedal time and I realized I ain't like the pedal time because the pedal Town ain't really gangster it ain't no exercise for dudes I mean even watching me do this right here is very very suspicious you know I just realized I don't like it I don't like it you know and then I said you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go to the speak class because the girls be in there and that's different because you know the girls being there they got the little yoga pants on got them volleyball shorts and short jokes you like oh [ __ ] yeah this is gonna go down you know I'll be more motivated but then women y'all like to work out to them not empowerment songs know what you know this ain't right right here I got my damn shirt off on my body yada yada yada yada [Applause] you see it sometimes those songs you get you in trouble you're a full bloody heterosexual man some of them songs lead us to roll direction we be listening and we hear it totally different from y'all because I'm in the class this girl in front of me she taking them up but she got deep down shorts on and her song come on and she's doing way too much [Music] tomorrow [Music] I'm like what I do as long as she want big dick he do nothing [Applause] dude chilling man can be good in the world world going crazy as hell right now man so much [ __ ] going on out there we always got to be accountable for something everybody's black or something we accountable I've been out there in Hollywood they got them Kanye and when they start talking about the Jews in Hollywood with me I was like hey [ __ ] what's going on you're gonna clear my chicken [ __ ] [Music] I didn't do me saying a lot of [ __ ] you know you [ __ ] you know Tyler went too far for me though is when he got on goddamn TV talking about slavery was a choice I said you know what God damn it it's nap time Kanye lay down put on your Spiderman pajamas with your feet in it somebody give them juicy juice put a palette on the floor put that fan on put that fan on everybody know that fan noise civil rights [ __ ] going crazy and then we ain't got the same civil rights Giants that we used to have you know we ain't got them Giants out there that have been fighting for us you know we used to have Martin Luther King Jesse Jackson you don't have a shot and we still got out but you know it lost you got to be at least 165 to fight the civil rights with you you can't have no little man [ __ ] and [ __ ] a bigger Choice Al you can't go on there you'll be on the Instagram dancing what about God man but you know you know you gotta you're gonna have to beef it up a little bit to get something awesome baked beans only prayer we got now really our air fight was his attorney being crew being crook gotta be in every goddamn thing and I actually thinking got to be in every situation going wrong in our community it is hard on the man because he lived in Tallahassee Florida you can't get no directions right out of Tallahassee this man got to get on 17 airplanes go fight that down social justice give him a break if God blessing me out there doing and fighting of the good fight but he got that big ass tongue and he could be on TV there's a reparating that eventually we got to stop it with Joyce Floyd you know the situations if that's wrong God damn it Ben did you see all them THS anything here we know that that's a part of our culture we have people with big tongue we know that you know they got jobs like that the Shannon Shaw every morning you know Bill [Applause] yep come on Fantasia remember fantasies you don't want me that don't talk to me [Music] age love Fantasia I don't think about them damn them down songs them girls them rap songs and girl be saying they they ain't got out there man you know Tasia like she wanted them R B singers great and I love like the new girls you know but those songs really be pushing your oven though they've been making this value because we had a whole song out called [ __ ] on the radio last year what ass [ __ ] on the radio hell no how come my kids y'all go in the house I'm gonna stay out here listen to the rest of this song do my research make sure these young ladies know what they're talking about you damn city girls they got some songs that'll make a grown man blush they be saying some [ __ ] you'll be like wow [ __ ] your man and drive off in the rise and see [ __ ] home with his dick time you like whoa young lady send that man home with his dick just got guns dang [ __ ] dude you gotta permit for all of them true and I like rap music you know you realize that you know sometimes you kind of age out though I like I grew up I love rap music but these guys they be rapping around [ __ ] that ain't my truth do you realize what ain't your truth you got to tap out sometime you'll be like the 21 Savage had a song out last year I love first part of the song I'm in how much money you got a lot how many parties how many times you got shot wait a minute man I've been dealing with a little gout but I ain't I ain't shock nobody tap out on that part they got slain we don't understand then you got the Draco you got the cap no cap I mean I like has too much not to do no cap this is like come on everybody know me I had on I don't like I got the Hops got the Hops over there when you go down south they got their favorite one they got them they got one and you go down south all the rappers got to turn a [ __ ] boy that's the one they say that [ __ ] boy old [ __ ] one [ __ ] the other note is if somebody call you a [ __ ] boy you've been cut all the way out that's the highest level of cust out there is especially down south the way they say they [ __ ] oh [ __ ] boy [ __ ] ass [ __ ] whoa maybe having it all in the song [ __ ] boy I just couldn't even imagine we ain't growing up like that but it was in our songs you know I couldn't even imagine but for Ron Isley ass on stage yeah foreign [Music] [Applause] people that me too started it though that's what happened everybody nervous you know and the problem was that to me too is that yeah you want to get people for doing it bad you know illicit Behavior but they start going back you know what I'm saying like I could tell you what it is in February but demos will start going back to like eight and nine and [ __ ] like that you know I was light-skinned at 89. you know tell me what the hell I did I know I had baby hair I need enough [Music] you got more and then when they rolled up on Russell Simmons that's when it got too close to me you can't see people gonna roll up on me at the airport and talk about saying don't you know Russell Simmons say Russell Simmons don't you know Russell Simmons I'm like huh they're like Russell Simmons you know Russell Simmons said you know in the hood we can't snitch [ __ ] so I'm in the middle of the airport talking about Russell Simmons real Sims [Laughter] proclivities too that's why they was getting people on your proclivities this is the thing you like to do in one relationship that may work that don't necessarily transfer over to the next relationship you killing me don't know foreign is that's a problem because there's certain [ __ ] that everybody do that's fine like right now I was like hey girl you know what I'm gonna take this honey I'm gonna drizzle that [ __ ] all over your body and imma take my time and I'm gonna lift that [ __ ] out [Laughter] I had to laugh so it's creepy you know what I mean think about it they look kind of creepy though I didn't realize [Laughter] like yeah take this whipped cream and put it in your belly button [Music] you know why because them normal sexual conduits right there they don't cross no line they normal sexual condiments that everybody you used to them you know what I'm saying you know the ones chocolate honey whipped cream movie butter all the ones that everybody used all the time everybody nothing that's why I got to be careful I'm a little more adventurous I [ __ ] around and get in trouble for this [ __ ] I do but I'll [ __ ] around with a person Sriracha on your nipples you know what I mean spice that [ __ ] up douse your ass is a low sodium soy sauce come over here don't take my [ __ ] down there it ain't coming no sorry in this one with the green top right here you're feeling good man he had a birthday a couple weeks ago and got older but you get it think about think about getting all getting old you feel good you still you still would say about yourself young people tell you you all they [ __ ] it up for you be feeling good because I'm the kind of only that are still pull up you go somewhere tonight y'all like I said we about to go in like stop pulling up I ain't even think about it I'm gonna pull up soon I walk in I'm feeling swag you got my little joint on my little pit walking into your people talking about what up hey come on now with the titles now let's talk we just got new titles up in here tonight all around you only know you own oh just happened to your ass you just show up you be feeling good feeling normal you'll be pouring cereal your goddamn meal go out you start blaming the cereal I don't have to stop [ __ ] with these Cheerios definitely gonna switch to almond milk I didn't really want to do it but see that you you see the old dudes with young girls that's normal you'll see that your old dude got a little young girl be bragged one yeah I mean one of those boys I've been seeing the older ladies with the young dudes got the young dude I like that [ __ ] too and then if you see a grown ass woman with a younger dude one you know there's a little slang and some dick he throwing some [ __ ] around but he also gotta know how to fix some [ __ ] Bro people don't play like that old lady like [ __ ] get in there fix that cabinet pull that refrigerator we're gonna change his rug around in my bedroom [Applause] and she and she pressing the woman they had they look your boys out like they're the Westminister dogs come on take one foreign [Music] I'm not in no secret society like that now I gotta admit to y'all I am a part of a secret society I am a part of one little secret society is not an Illuminati I'm a lot of I'm a lot of good night I can tell the bus and we get together they're not me and without nobody really judging us we still listen to R Kelly records listen every night did the crime Robin in jail you trying to tell me I can't Step In The Name of Love no more I can't believe I can fly cause Robert did some [ __ ] Robin's in jail Roberts locked them songs his eyes songs dog I'm sorry Lord I coach you man and it's hard that we gotta just block the whole thing out and I know some of y'all in here be acting like y'all ain't no damn a lot of numbers but right now if I went nine miles telling me no but I'm not alone the reason why we a lot of dollars is because R Kelly is one of the only songwriters that wrote a song for me when our heart broke when we [ __ ] up in a relationship and we know we [ __ ] up and we need to cry that [ __ ] out we ain't got souls for that R Kelly wrote one for me we ain't got one I mean ladies y'all got 100 songs [Music] no way ugly see if you barely beat the sun just having my shoulder but if you don't get yourself [Music] right there though where you came from like I accused you you had a point now rubbing it in the thing is is we've got them kind of songs man when we [ __ ] up in a relationship and you'd be like man they call me back though and I had a problem and we got what we got the OG Joe [ __ ] right here [Music] this one it all went wrong [Music] [Music] in the mirror singing down to myself who we calling when a woman stand up when she fed up huh damn she let me back in did you you be crying you got to stop both of them you know God [ __ ] I just wish you just listen and R Kelly did that [ __ ] right in the video he had exactly how we felt he shot a video in a convertible with the top down in Chicago in the middle of winter with the top down I said yes Aura that's exactly how we feel yes orara and the thing is I don't care how hard your ass is how Casey you are foreign [Music] [Applause] all right [Music] [Music]

Channel: BAYBE KDL Kurtis Lee

Views: 34,074

Keywords:

Id: RPsv6TacukA

Length: 34min 42sec (2082 seconds)

Published: Tue May 30 2023