WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY-- YOU
CAN FEEL THE ENERGY. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, JON? HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, EVERYBODY. THIS MORNING, ALL EYES WERE ON
GOBBLER'S NOB, WHICH I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN SAY ON CBS. ( LAUGHTER )
THE BAD NEWS IS, WEATHER-PREDICTING RODENT
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW, WHICH MEANS SIX MORE
WEEKS OF WINTER. NO, COME ON. NOT SIX MORE WEEKS. I'M READY FOR BEACH SEASON. I'VE GOT MY SIX-PACK ALL READY
UNDER HERE. BUT BECAUSE OF PUNXATAWNEY, PHIL
I CAN'T LEGALLY SHOW YOU. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON! THING IS: NOT ALL GROUNDHOGS
AGREE WITH PHIL'S FORECAST. HERE IN NEW YORK, STATEN ISLAND
CHUCK HAS PREDICTED AN EARLY SPRING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NICE TRY. NICE TRY. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME TO GO TO
STATE ISLAND. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. NOT GONNA DO IT. SO, WHO DO WE BELIEVE, PHIL OR
CHUCK? APPARENTLY, NEITHER, BECAUSE
GROUNDBREAKING ANALYSIS FROM POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATORS
fivethirtyeight.com SHOWS THAT GROUNDHOGS DO NOT MAKE GOOD
METEOROLOGISTS. ( LAUGHTER )
REALLY? REALLY? HUH. REALLY, 538? YOU THINK GROUNDHOGS MAKE BAD
PREDICTIONS? HOW'D THEY DO ON THE 2016
ELECTION? ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING-- ACCORDING TO THIS DEEP ANALYSIS, WHEN COMPARING
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL'S PREDICTIONS TO HISTORICAL WEATHER DATA, HE'S
ONLY RIGHT ABOUT A THIRD OF THE TIME. THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER RELY ON
GROUNDHOGS FOR ADVICE. NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING THEY
ARE WHEN THEY PITCH YOU CRYPTO WITH MATT DAMON. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, GROUNDHOGS MAY NOT BE THE MOST RELIABLE. AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN
MAKE IT TO THEIR GIG, BECAUSE OVER IN NEW JERSEY, ON THE EVE
OF GROUNDHOG DAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT RESIDENT WEATHER
MARMOT, MILLTOWN MEL, HAD DIED-- ALTHOUGH, THE CAUSE OF DEATH HAS
NOT BEEN RELEASED. COULD IT BE... MURDER? OR PERHAPS BECAUSE
GROUNDHOGS ONLY HAVE AN AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF THREE YEARS
AND HE WAS SIX? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LONG ONE. THAT'S A LONG SENTENCE TO BE--
LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE. LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE. IN A FACEBOOK POST ON SUNDAY,
MILLTOWN MEL'S HANDLERS SAID: "WE WRANGLERS ARE SAD TO REPORT
THAT MILLTOWN MEL RECENTLY CROSSED OVER THE RAINBOW
BRIDGE." BUT BECAUSE IT'S JERSEY, HE'S
STILL STUCK IN RAINBOW TRAFFIC ( LAUGHTER )
HE SHOULD HAVE USED THE RAINBOW TUNNEL. C'MON, JERSEY, RAINBOW TUNNEL. IT'S ALSO THE SECOND DAY OF
BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AND ONE MAN IS MAKING BLACK HISTORY
BECAUSE THE N.F.L. IS BEING SUED FOR RACIAL DISCRIMINATION BY
FORMER DOLPHINS COACH, BRIAN FLORES. NOW, SURE, ALMOST 70% OF N.F.L. PLAYERS ARE BLACK, AND THERE'S
ONLY ONE BLACK HEAD COACH IN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE, BUT THE N.F.L. CAN'T BE RACIST. THEY SPRAY-PAINTED A TINY
"END RACISM" NEXT TO THE KANSAS CITY CHIEF'S LOGO! A LOT OF PUNDITS WERE SURPRISED
WHEN FLORES GOT FIRED BY MIAMI ON JANUARY 10, BECAUSE FLORES
HAD RECORDED THE DOLPHINS' FIRST BACK-TO-BACK WINNING SEASONS
SINCE 2003. BUT THE LAWSUIT EXPLAINS THAT
BEHIND THE SCENES, FLORES ACTUALLY CLASHED WITH DOLPHINS
OWNER AND BUSINESS BASSET HOUND, STEPHEN ROSS. WHEN FLORES WAS HIRED IN 2019,
THE DOLPHINS WERE BAD AND HOPING TO GET THE NUMBER-ONE PICK IN
THE DRAFT SO, ACCORDING TO THE LAWSUIT, ROSS ATTEMPTED TO
INCENTIVIZE FLORES TO PURPOSELY LOSE GAMES BY ALLEGEDLY OFFERING
HIM $100,000 FOR EVERY LOSS THAT SEASON. WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY. THE JETS WILL LOSE FOR FREE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT-- THAT'S PROBONO. THAT'S CALLED-- THAT'S TRUE? TRUE STORY? BUT, HOLD ON. IT GETS BAD DIFFERENT, BECAUSE
FLORES ALSO ALLEGES THAT AFTER THE 2019 SEASON, ROSS PRESSURED
HIM TO RECRUIT AN UNNAMED PROMINENT QUARTERBACK
( COUGH ) TOM BRADY
( COUGH ) ( CLEARS THROAT )
TOM BRADY. I GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY
THROAT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ONE OF THOSE-- ONE OF THOSE... TOM BRADYS? WHICH WOULD HAVE VIOLATED THE
LEAGUE'S TAMPERING RULES. SO FLORES REFUSED. BUT THEN ROSS ALLEGEDLY INVITED
FLORES TO HAVE LUNCH ON A YACHT WHERE HE INFORMED HIM THAT THE
QUARTERBACK WAS CONVENIENTLY ARRIVING AT THE MARINA FOR AN
IMPROMPTU MEETING. YEAH, NOTHING SUSPICIOUS THERE. THERE'S NO MORE INNOCENT PHRASE
IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAN "I GOT SOMEBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET
DOWN AT THE DOCKS." ( LAUGHTER )
SO, DESPITE HIS OVERALL RECORD AND WINNING SEVEN OF HIS LAST
EIGHT GAMES THIS SEASON, FLORES WAS FIRED, APPARENTLY
BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET ALONG AND GO ALONG WITH THE OWNER. BUT EIGHT OTHER TEAMS ALSO LOST
THEIR COACHES, AND FLORES GOT SEVERAL INTERVIEWS THIS
OFFSEASON, INCLUDING ONE WITH THE NEW YORK GIANTS. NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO
UNDERSTAND THAT THE N.F.L. HAS THIS THING FOR 20 YEARS CALLED
"THE ROONEY RULE," WHICH REQUIRES N.F.L. TEAMS TO
INTERVIEW A DIVERSE RANGE OF CANDIDATES FOR COACHING JOBS AND
OTHER POSITIONS. IT'S A GREAT IDEA. IT GIVES EVERYBODY AN
OPPORTUNITY, UNLESS YOU DON'T GIVE ANYONE AN OPPORTUNITY,
WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS CASE, BECAUSE FLORES LEARNED
THAT THE NEW YORK GIANTS HEAD COACHING JOB HAD GONE TO SOMEONE
ELSE, THREE DAYS BEFORE HE WAS SCHEDULED TO INTERVIEW FOR THE
POSITION. SO HE'S SAYING THEY WASTED HIS
TIME JUST TO CHECK A BOX TO PRETEND THEY CARED ABOUT
DIVERSITY. THOUGH, I IMAGINE IT DID TAKE
PRESSURE OFF THE JOB INTERVIEW: "WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE
YEARS? OH, I DON'T KNOW. SUING YOU?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FLORES-- THAT WAS ONE OF THESE. BUT, THERE YOU GO. FLORES ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED THEY
HAD ALREADY FILLED THE POSITION FROM NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HEAD
COACH AND RECENTLY DECEASED GROUNDHOG, BILL BELICHICK. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOKS GOOD. HE LOOKS GOOD. HE LOOKS GOOD. FLORES WORKED FOR BELICHICK FOR
ALMOST 15 YEARS, BUT BELICHICK ALSO EMPLOYED ANOTHER BRIAN,
BUFFALO BILLS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, BRIAN DABOLL. DAY-BOL? DAY-BOL? KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU READ
THIS TEXT EXCHANGE. BELICHICK STARTS OFF BY
SAYING, "SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE LANDED. CONGRATS!!"
TO WHICH FLORES RESPONDS, "DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING I DIDN'T
HEAR?" "GIANTS?!?!?!?!?!"
"I INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY. I THINK I HAVE A SHOT AT IT." "GOT IT. I HEAR FROM BUFFALO AND NEW YORK
GIANTS THAT YOU ARE THEIR GUY. HOPE IT WORKS OUT IF YOU WANT
IT TO!!" "THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT I WANT! I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, COACH. THANK YOU. COACH, ARE YOU TALKING TO BRIAN
FLORES OR BRIAN DABOLL? JUST MAKING SURE." "SORRY-- I (BLEEP) THIS UP. I DOUBLE CHECKED AND MISREAD THE
TEXT. I THINK THEY ARE NAMING
DABOLL. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. B.B." "THANKS BILL." THAT'S THE STORY OF HOW BRIAN
DABOLL GOT LISTED IN BILL BELICHICK'S PHONE AS
"WHITE BRIAN." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT-- LONG STORY. IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THAT'S
THE STORY. >> Jon: THAT'S THE STORY. IT'S A LONG ONE. >> Stephen: BUT FLORES IS STILL
IN THE RUNNING FOR TWO OTHER HEAD COACHING VACANCIES, WHICH
IS WHAT MAKES THIS LAWSUIT EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE. THE N.F.L., GENERALLY SPEAKING,
IS NOT VERY FORGIVING TOWARDS ANYONE WHO STANDS UP TO THEM. OR KNEELS NEAR THEM. SO FLORES, WHO'S ONLY 40 YEARS
OLD, HAS PUT HIS FUTURE LIVELIHOOD ON THE LINE HERE. BUT HE'S DOING IT FOR A HIGHER
PURPOSE, AS HE EXPLAINED ON CNN:
>> I UNDERSTAND THE RISKS. LOOK, I LOVE COACHING FOOTBALL. I'M CALLED TO COACH FOOTBALL. I'M GIFTED TO COACH FOOTBALL,
AND I STILL WANT TO COACH. LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT. BUT THIS IS BIGGER THAN
COACHING. THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME. >> Stephen: THAT GUY IS
INSPIRING. HE SHOULD BE A COACH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON! >> Stephen: IN OTHER FOOTBALL
RACISM NEWS, A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER DROPPING THEIR OFFENSIVE
TEAM NAME, TODAY THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM REVEALED THEIR NEW
NAME. DRUMROLL PLEASE. ( DRUMROLL )
IT'S THE WASHINGTON COMMANDERS. THAT REALLY FEELS LIKE A WASTE
OF A DRUMROLL. I'M SORRY, JOE. ( LAUGHTER )
"COMMANDERS" MIGHT BE THE ONLY NAE MORE GENERIC THAN "FOOTBALL
TEAM." I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING FUN,
AND NEW LIKE "THE WASHINGTON BALLOONS" OR "THE FIGHTIN' DOLLY
PARTONS." "JOLENE" ON FOUR! ( AS QUARTERBACK )
"JOLENE JOLENE, JOLENE, JO-LEEEENE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LATE HIT. THAT WAS A LATE HIT. BUT "COMMANDERS" IS STILL WAY
BETTER THAN THE OLD NAME AND LOGO, WHICH FOR SOME REASON,
WERE STILL FEATURED REPEATEDLY THROUGHOUT THEIR PROMO VIDEO
FOR THE NEW NAME AND LOGO. I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE GUYS
OFFICIATE A WEDDING: "DO YOU, SUSAN, TAKE ANTHONY TO
BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND? BECAUSE HE'S BETTER THAN YOUR
EX, RYAN, RIGHT? REMEMBER RYAN? UGH. RYAN WAS THE WORST. HIGH BROKE YOUR LITTLE HEART
YOU LOVED HIM SO MUCH. IS RYAN HERE? RYAN? COME ON DOWN. WHAT? HE'S MY PLUS ONE. GROW UP. RYAN, COME ON DOWN." SPEAKING OF WORKPLACE
INVESTIGATIONS, CNN PRESIDENT AND EXECUTIVE HOT
DOG, JEFF ZUCKER. TODAY, ZUCKER RESIGNED AS THE
PRESIDENT OF CNN, BECAUSE HE FAILED TO DISCLOSE TO THE
COMPANY A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER SENIOR EXECUTIVE AT
CNN. COME ON, ZUCKER YOU CAN'T KEEP
THAT SECRET! REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF
JOURNALISM: THE MOMENT YOU CONSUMMATE A RELATIONSHIP, YOU
SHOUT "THIS JUST IN!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE TIM McGRAW AND
MARTHA STEWART. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.
