Good morning, dear sangha Today is Sunday, the 30th of March 2014 We are in the Assembly of Stars meditation hall of the Dharma Nectar Temple, Lower Hamlet, Plum Village This is our second week of the spring session When you breathe in mindfully, you bring your mind home to your body Your inbreath is like a vehicle, a car bringing your mind home to your body It takes only 2 or 3 seconds in order for you to bring your mind home to your body. In our daily lives, very often our body is there, but our mind is elsewhere. Our mind is in the future, in our projects, in the past, caught in anger, fear, anxiety, and very seldom our mind is with our body. That is why, when you bring attention to your inbreath, and breathe in, you bring your mind home to your body. It takes only 2 to 3 seconds for the mind to go home to the body. And when mind and body are together, you are there, you are truly there, in the here and the now and you can get in touch with the wonders of life that are available in the here and in the now for your transformation and healing. It's very easy. To breathe in and to focus your attention only on your inbreath. And it is also very pleasant to do. How wonderful to breathe in. And if you really pay attention to your inbreath, your inbreath becomes the only object of your mind. You are concentrated on your inbreath, you are mindful of your inbreath, and you release everything else. You release the past, the future, your projects, your worries, and you become a free person. And therefore freedom is possible with one inbreath. Mindfulness and concentration directed to your inbreath help you to release everything else and you become a free person. And if you want to keep that freedom, then you can breathe out also mindfully. Breathing out mindfully, you focus your attention on your outbreath, you are concentrated on your outbreath, and your mind is only with your outbreath. Everything else cannot cling to you - the past, the future, your worries, your fear. You are free from that. So with the practice of mindful breathing, you can cultivate freedom, and you can preserve that freedom as long as you wish. 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes. If you know how to practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, you keep your freedom. You are not pulled away by the past, by the future, by your worries, your projects. You breathe as a free person, and you walk as a free person. And if you are to make a decision, the decision will be good because you are not influenced by your fear, your anger. If you make a decision when you are angry or fearful that is not a good one. But when you are free free from anger, from fear, from jealousy, from hate, from the past, from the future, then you can make the best kind of decision. Next time when you are to make a decision, restore your freedom by the practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, and in that state of being free, you can make a good decision for you and for other people. When you spend 2 hours with your computer, you forget entirely that you have a body. During that time, you are absorbed in your work, and your mind is not with your body. You are not alive, truly alive, during that moment. You are lost in your work, your projects, your thinking, your planning. In Plum Village, many of us have a bell of mindfulness in our computer and every quarter of an hour, you hear the bell of mindfulness and you stop working, you go back to your body, by the way of mindful breathing, and you feel alive again, you bring your mind home to your body, you enjoy breathing in and out, you become fully alive, you smile to life, and after that you continue your work. And that is a good way not to be pulled away for a long time from the present moment. Ant that helps you to release the tension in your body and keep your freshness, keep your joy and happiness. The bell of mindfulness is a call calling you back to the present moment for you to be alive for you to be free in order to get in touch with the wonders of life that are available in the here and in the now. When I do mindful movements, it is not my intention to have good health, but I just enjoy having a body I enjoy the movements. So joy, happiness is available during the time I practice these mindful movements. You do it for your own enjoyment, not for your health or anything else. So from the parking lot, walking to your office, you might like to walk in such a way, that every step can release the tension in your body, every step can bring you home to the here and now so that you can touch the wonders of life available in you and around you. If one inbreath can bring you home to your body, to the here and now, then one step you make can also bring you home to the here and now. You arrive in the here and now with every step. Your destination is not the office, the workplace. Your destination is in the here and now. And every breath, every step brings you home to the here and now so that you can be alive. Because we know that the past is already gone, and the future is not yet there. There is only one moment when you can be truly alive. That is the present moment. And you have an appointment with life in the present moment. And if you miss the present moment you miss your appointment with life. Which is very serious. You run to the future, you take refuge in the past, and you miss the present moment. There are those of us who are caught in the past who have no capacity to get out of the prison of the past in order to enjoy life in the present moment. There are those of us who are caught in the prison of the future who only think of the future. we don't think that happiness is possible in the present moment. So the basic practice is to always go home to the here and the now. And the practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, can bring you home to the here and the now. Body and mind together so that you can touch the wonders of life that have the power to nourish and transform you, to heal you. And that is why, when we come to Plum Village, we should learn to master the art of breathing and walking. These two practices can help us to be free from the past and the future and to live deeply every moment that is given to us. So from the parking lot, walking to your office, you walk in such a way that each step makes you a free person. You enjoy every step. Every step brings you to the here and the now so that you can get in touch with the blue sky, the beautiful trees, the songs of the birds. Every wonder of life is available in the here and the now. And walking like that, you release the tension in your body with every step You don't need extra time to practice meditation, walking meditation, because from the parking lot to your office, you can walk like that as a free person. You stop all the thinking together, you just enjoy every step, and you just feel the presence of the wonders of life in yourself and around you. And every one of us can practice like that. Last time, we have learned the 7th ad the 8th exercise of mindful breathing. And you remember the 7th exercise of mindful breathing is to recognize a painful feeling that is coming up. Breathing in, I'm aware of the pain within myself. Breathing out, I smile to the pain within myself. That is the 7th exercise. "aware of pain" There is a painful feeling coming up. You know it. And as a practitioner, you know how to handle a painful feeling. The 7th exercise is to recognize the feeling. You do not try to run away from it like many people. You have to be there for your pain. Most of us are afraid to be overwhelmed by the pain inside. The painful feeling the painful emotion, not many of us know how to handle a painful feeling, a painful emotion. And most of us try to run away or to cover them up with consumptions. We use music, newspapers, television, internet in order to cover up the pain in us. We do not have the courage to face, to recognize the pain in us. So the practitioner does not do like that. He practices mindful breathing, he practices mindful walking and generating the energy of mindfulness. And with that energy of mindfulness, he's stronger. He can go home to himself and recognize the pain, and embrace it like a mother embracing her ailing baby. So the 7th exercise is: "Breathing in, I am aware of the painful feeling in me, breathing out, I embrace the painful feeling in me." There is the energy of pain and there is the energy of mindfulness generated by the practice of breathing or walking. So it is the second energy that is recognizing the first energy. That is the 7th exercise of mindful breathing proposed by the Buddha. Breathing in, I know that a painful feeling is in me. Breathing out, I smile, I recognize the painful feeling in me. And the 8th exercise is to calm down the painful feeling the way a mother is holding her ailing baby. So mindfulness is a kind mother, or big brother, or big sister, holding the child of suffering. The first thing you do is to use the energy of mindfulness to recognize the pain. And the second thing you do is to embrace your pain tenderly, like a mother holding her baby. A mother has the energy of tenderness, and that energy of tenderness penetrates into the body of the baby. The baby suffers less. After a few minutes, the baby may stop crying, because the energy of tenderness has penetrated into the energy of pain. So with the practitioner who knows how to generate the energies of mindfulness and concentration, it is possible to recognize, embrace the pain, and calm it down. By the practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, you can stay with your pain, and you can calm it down. And you are not overwhelmed by the pain, because you do have a kind of energy, that has the power to recognize and to embrace. And everyone can generate the energies of mindfulness and concentration with the practices of mindful breathing, mindful walking. Mindfulness of breathing, mindfulness of walking - that is the practice. After having held the baby for a few minutes, and helping the baby to suffer less, the mother can find out what is wrong with the baby. The baby may have a fever, or the baby may be hungry. After having discovered that, the mother can change the situation very quickly. And after having used the energies of mindfulness and concentration to embrace your pain and calm it down, you get the insight as to why there is that kind of pain in yourself. And you can find the roots of the pain in yourself. And with the other exercise that follows, you can very well transform the pain in you into something more positive. And we have the exercises nr. 9, 10, 11, 12 But you are curious to know what is the exercise number 6, and what is the exercise number 5. Exercise nr. 5 is to generate a feeling of joy. Generate joy. And the 6th is to generate happiness. A good practitioner can always bring about a feeling of joy whenever she wants. A good practitioner can always generate a feeling of happiness whenever he wants. And how? It's not too difficult. Because when you practice mindful breathing, and you breathe in, and you bring your mind home to your body, you become fully present in the here and the now. You realize what we call the oneness of body and mind. Mind and body are together. And when your mind is with your body, you are established in the here and the now. That's the first step. And when you are established in the here and the now, you are in a position to recognize the many wonders of life, the many conditions of happiness that you already have. And most of us do not believe that happiness is possible in the here and the now. We need to run to the future in order to get some more. And that is why we sacrifice the present moment for the sake of the future. But going home to the here and now, you will be able to recognize the many conditions of happiness that are already available to you. More than enough for you to be happy in the here and the now. More... than enough. The French have a song about that. "Qu'est-ce qu'on attend pour être heureux?" Why do we have to wait in order to be happy? Because in the here and the now, there are so many conditions of happiness that are already available! Take a piece of paper and write down the conditions of happiness that you have and you will see that one page is not enough, two pages are not enough, three pages are not enough. You are luckier than many people in the world. And if you are not happy in the here and now, that's your fault. Because you are not there in order to recognize them. So to generate a feeling of joy is always possible when you touch the conditions of happiness that are already available to you. Your eyes, still in good condition, is already a condition of happiness. You just open your eyes and you see the face of your beloved one, you see the blue sky, you see the trees, you see the hills, you see the river and the stars. So your eyes is one condition of happiness. And there are plenty of them in your body, (conditions of happiness), there are plenty around you, and if you are in the here and now, you can touch many of them, and to generate a feeling of joy or happiness is something very easy to do at any time. Good condition that you have some mindfulness and concentration in you. And you know very well that to have that energy of mindfulness and concentration, you can practice mindful breathing, mindful walking. So that is the 5th exercise of mindful breathing. to generate a feeling of joy whenever you want. The 6th exercise is to generate a feeling of happiness whenever you want. And this is the art of happiness. Creating moments of joy, Creating moments of happiness for you and for the other person. If you are not joyful, if you are not happy, you do not have much to offer to him or to her. So to practice generating joy and happiness for you, you have something to offer to him or to her. And the next two exercises: to become aware of the painful feeling and to calm it down, is the art of suffering, the art of handling suffering. And we have learned last time that if we know how to suffer, we suffer much less. We are not overwhelmed by the suffering, because we know how to use the energies of mindfulness and concentration to recognize the pain and to embrace it and to calm it down. It's clear that if you know how to suffer, you suffer much less. And you can go further. You can make good use of the suffering in order to create happiness - the way we use mud in order to grow lotus flowers. And it is an art, the art to generate happiness, the art of handling suffering. The 4th exercise, and the 3rd, is about the body. These 4 exercises are about the feelings. Pleasant feeling, pleasant feeling painful feeling, painful feeling. How to generate pleasant feelings, how to handle unpleasant feelings. The 3rd exercise is to recognize, to be aware of your body. Breathing in, I am aware of my body. Breathing in, I know I have a body. Awareness of body. You bring your mind home, and you recognize the existence of your body. It's like you go home and you recognize the feeling of pain. But here, to recognize the presence of your body. And when you are home to your body, you might notice that there is tension, stress, and pain in your body. Because you may have allowed the tension to be accumulated in your body. You have been working your body very hard, and tension, pain accumulated in your body make you suffer. That is why the 3rd exercise of mindful breathing is to go home to your body and be aware of your body. And when you are with your body, you might notice that there is tension and pain in it - that is why you have to use the 4th exercise - to release the tension in your body. Calming the body. So the method is exactly the same. Here, you are aware of the painful feeling, and you calm down the painful feeling. On this side, you are aware of your body, and then you practice mindful breathing, to calm your body, to release the tension in your body. That is the praxis of relaxation - releasing the tension in the body. These 4 exercises are to take care of our body while the other exercises are to take care of our feelings. The first one is recognizing, to be aware of your inbreath and outbreath. Breathing in, I am aware of my inbreath. Breathing out, I am aware of my outbreath. Recognizing your inbreath and your outbreath. That is the first exercise. Every beginner of meditation practices that. It's very easy, but it's very deep. Because if you really focus your attention on your inbreath and your outbreath, you release everything else, and you become a free person. Just paying attention to your inbreath and outbreath can bring great results. And the 2nd exercise of mindful breating is to follow your inbreath and your outbreath. Suppose this marker represents the length of your inbreath. It begins here and it ends here. Maybe 3, 4 seconds. And suppose this finger is your mind. I begin to breathe in. Breathing in, I follow my inbreath all the way through. Breathing out, I follow my outbreath all the way through. My finger sticks to the marker, my mind follows very closely my inbreath and outbreath. There is no interruption. And breathing like that makes your mindfulness and concentration more solid, deeper. And if you are more mindful, if you are more concentrated, then the pleasure of breathing will be greater. Because breathing in and out can be very pleasant. If you suffer when you breathe in, that's not good practice. And when you breathe in and you feel pleasant, wonderful, you enjoy your inbreath, you know that is good practice. To breathe and to be aware that you are alive that can already bring you a lot of happiness because a person who is already dead does not breathe in anymore. As I breathe in, I know I am alive. And to be alive is a miracle - it is the greatest of all miracles. And that insight alone can bring happiness. Just to sit there and breathe can make you happy already. So the very first exercise of mindful breathing can already generate mindfulness, concentration and bring you a lot of happiness whether you are sitting on the grass or you are sitting at the foot of a tree and breathe in with mindfulness and concentration you can be a happy person just breathing in and out. Sitting on the bus, sitting on the train also, instead of thinking of this and that, you enjoy breathing in and out and you enjoy the landscape. One week in Plum Village is enough for you to learn, to train yourself in the art of mindful breathing and walking. And you can experience joy, happiness, and you know how to handle the painful feeling, the painful emotion that is coming up in you. Last time, we also spoke about listening. We listen to our own suffering. While you hold your suffering tenderly, you can listen to it because you have mindfulness in you you have the energies of mindfulness and concentration in you. You are not afraid of the pain in you. With that energy of mindfulness and concentration, you can look deeply into the nature of your suffering. You can listen to your own suffering. Because your suffering may carry within itself the suffering of your father, of your mother, of your ancestors. And understanding your suffering, you understand the suffering of your mother, your father, and your ancestors. Maybe father and mother did not know how to transform the suffering. And that is why they have transmitted that block of suffering to us. And we don't know why we suffer that much. The fact is that the suffering in us carries within itself the suffering of our father, our mother, our ancestors and our nation. That's sure. And that is why we need to have the time to listen to our own suffering, and to understand. And in order to listen, you need mindfulness and concentration. So that you are not afraid of being overwhelmed by the suffering inside. Looking deeply, and listening deeply is the act of meditation. To meditate is to have the time to look and to listen. And the object of meditation is our own suffering, our own pain. And if you continue to look, to listen, to your pain, your suffering, you come to understand. And understanding will always bring compassion. This is easy enough to understand. When you look at the other person, deeply... and with mindfulness, you have a chance to see the suffering in him, or in her. That person does not know how to handle the suffering in him. He continues to be the victim of his own suffering. He makes himself suffer, and he makes the people around suffer, including you. So far, no one has told him so far, no one has helped him to understand and transform his suffering. That is why he continues to suffer and to make the people around him suffer. When you suffer, you make people suffer even the people you love. Therefore, you should try to understand your own suffering in order to suffer less. Because understanding always brings about compassion. When you look at the other person deeply, and if you recognize the suffering in him or her, then you see that this person is the victim of his own suffering. And suddenly, understanding arises in you and you are not angry at him anymore. You don't want to punish anymore. Your anger vanishes. Instead you want to do something, to say something to help him or her suffer less. It means that understanding suffering has already brought compassion into the heart. Now you can begin to look at him with compassion. And you don't suffer anymore. Compassion makes it possible for you to stop suffering. It is very clear that when you understand the suffering of someone, you don't want to punish him anymore. You want to help. So the formula is very clear. Understanding brings compassion. And when compassion is there, you don't suffer anymore. No anger - only the intention to help. So when you look deeply into your own suffering, you see the suffering of your father, your mother, your ancestors and your nation, and that kind of understanding brings about compassion in your heart. And compassion begins to heal you. One thing we have to remember Compassion can heal us. And that is why all of us should learn how to generate the energy of compassion. Stanford University has a committee of scientists who study the effects of compassion. The fact of healing by compassion. And we spent one evening working with them about how to generate the energy of compassion in order to help heal ourselves and help heal the other people around us. Understanding here means understanding suffering - your own suffering first. Because when you have understood your own suffering, you suffer less. And when you have understood your suffering, it's much easier to understand the suffering of the other person. And this is possible with the practice of listening deeply, with compassion and using loving speech. You listen to yourself with compassion and you heal yourself, and then you begin to listen to him or to her with compassion, and you help heal him or her. The practice of deep listening, compassionate listening, and loving speech can always restore communication and bring about reconciliation. You have to understand yourself, you have to listen to yourself, you have to reconcile with yourself, because there may be a deep conflict within. And once you have been able to reconcile with yourself, you can reconcile very easily with the other person and end the difficulties in your relationship. The other person may have a lot of suffering in him. And he may have not been able to listen to his own suffering. And maybe no one has listened to him. And you who are a practitioner, you know how to listen to your own suffering. and now you want to listen to the suffering of the other person. You come to him and say: "Darling, I know you have suffered quite a lot in the past many years." And this is the practice of loving speech. Tender, gentle speech, which is the practice of the 4th mindfulness training. You go to him or to her, and because you have some compassion in your heart, you have seen the suffering in him or in her, that is why you can use easily what we call loving speech. You say like this: "Darling, my dear friend, I know you have suffered quite a lot during the past many years, and I was not able to help you. In fact I have reacted in such a way that made the situation worse. I have made you suffer more. I'm sorry. Darling, I have reacted in such a way because I did not see your suffering. I did not understand the suffering in you. Darling, it's not my intention to make you suffer. Just because I did not understand the suffering in you and I believe that if I understood the suffering in you, I would not react like that, the way I have in the past. So you've got to help me. Please tell me what is in your heart. Please tell me of your difficulties, your suffering, your frustration. I want to hear. Because I know that if I understand the suffering, I will not react the way I have in the past. You've got to help me. If you don't help me, who will help me?" That is the kind of speech that we must use in order to open the heart of someone. If you have seen some of his suffering, and if you have some amount of compassion in yourself, you are capable of using that kind of speech that we call loving speech. "Darling, I know you have suffered quite a lot and I have reacted in such a way that made you suffer more. I am sorry. It's not my intention to make you suffer like that. It's because I did not understand your suffering. So darling, please help me. Tell me what is in your heart. Tell me of your suffering, your difficulties, so that I can understand. And if we know how to use that kind of speech, we can open the heart of someone. He or she will tell you. And now we have a chance to practice deep listening, compassionate listening. Because the practice of compassionate listening can heal... can heal a person. One hour of practice, of listening, can already heal the other person. When you listen, you have to practice what we call mindfulness of compassion. in order to keep compassion alive in your heart. Because if you don't train yourself, you cannot listen to him or to her. Because what the other person says, might trigger anger in you, irritation in you, and when anger comes, you can no longer listen, you have lost your capacity to listen to him or her. Because what the other person says might make you angry, there may be some kind of bitterness, blame, accusations and that makes you angry, and you want to correct him or her, right away, and you transform the session into a debate, and you ruin everything. That is why you have to train yourself first. You train yourself in the art of listening to yourself. You train yourself in order to see the suffering in you. And then you train yourself to see the suffering in him or in her. And you tell yourself: I am listening to him with only one purpose: to make him suffer less. The purpose is not to... to find the truth, to find out who is right or wrong. The purpose is to help a person to suffer less. I am going to listen in such a way that can make him suffer less. And therefore even if he says wrong things, if what he says is full of wrong perceptions, even if there is a lot of bitterness, accusation, blame, I continue to listen. I am not going to interrupt and correct him, because I know that if I did that, I will transform the session into a debate. So I make the vow to listen. Later on, in 3, 4, or 5 days, I may have a chance to give him some information so that he may correct his perception but not now. Now is only to listen. Even if he said wrong things, if he had a lot of wrong information, I will not stop him. Because I know that will spoil the session. So I continue to listen I will tell myself: "Poor fellow, he is victim of so many wrong perceptions. But I am not going to interrupt him now, because if I did, I spoil the session. So you continue to listen with compassion. You know that you have time, later on, to help him correct his perception by offering him some information. But not now. And you can sit there and listen for one hour or more. And if you can remember that the only purpose of your listening is to help him empty his heart and suffer less, and if you can remember that, you nourish compassion in your heart, and compassion is going to protect you and not allow the anger in you to be triggered. That is called mindfulness of compassion. And during the time you listen to him or to her practice mindfulness of compassion so that compassion stays with you for the whole session and you are able to listen to him one hour, one hour and a half or so. The retreats that we offer a little bit everywhere usually last 6 days, or at least 5 days. And during the first few days, we learn how to recognize our feelings, our emotions we learn how to get in touch with the wonders of life. On the 3rd day, we begin to learn how to listen to our suffering, and to learn about listening to the suffering of the other person. On the 5th day we try to apply the practice of compassionate listening and loving speech in order to reconcile with the other person. If the other person is in the retreat, that is much easier, because that person has been exposed to the teaching and the practice. But if the other person is not in the retreat, you have the right to use your telephone in order to practice deep listening and loving speech. So on the 5th day, you are told that you have a chance to use the practice of compassionate listening and loving speech in order to reconcile with the other person. And the miracle of reconciliation always happens in our retreats everywhere. And on the last day of the retreat, many people came and reported about the fruit of their practice. Many had been able to reconcile with their husbands, their wives, their son and so on. I remember that retreat in Oldenburg, north Germany. That morning, 4 German gentlemen came to me and reported that the night before, they had been able to reconcile with their father at home. They had used the telephone in order to practice. One of them said: "Dear Thay, the moment I was making the phone call, calling my father at home, I did not believe I can succeed. Because I was very angry at him. I have made the vow never to go and see him anymore. So I did not believe that I can talk to him the way you told us, using loving speech. But when I heard his voice at the end of the line, suddenly I found myself capable of talking to him like that. Daddy, I know you have suffered a lot in the past many years. I was not able to help you to suffer less and I have reacted in such a way that made you suffer more. Daddy, I'm sorry. It's not my intention to make you suffer like that. Just because I did not see and understand your suffering. I believe that if I understood your suffering, I would not have reacted the way I have and made you suffer like that. I'm sorry. Please tell me, father, of your suffering, of your difficulties. I want to know. Because I'm sure that if I understood your suffering, I would not behave, I would not react the way I have in the past. Please help me. And on the other end of the line, the father began to cry, because his son has never talked to him that way. That is the result, the fruit of the practice called loving speech, compassionate speech. It always works. If you have some amount of understanding in your heart, if you can see the suffering in the other person, you can speak like that. You need only some time to look deeply to see the suffering in him or in her, to see that he has been the victim of his own suffering for a long time, and he does not need punishment. He needs help. If you have that kind of insight and compassion, you are surely capable to use loving speech. And dear Thay, I have talked with my father for 1.5 hours, and we were able to reconcile. And you know something, dear Thay, the first thing I will do after the retreat is to go straight to see him - go to his house and visit him. And many people in the retreat succeeded in the practice of reconciling with the other person. If you can listen to him or her, they will be able to listen to you also, and understand your suffering. In Plum Village, we have in the past sponsored groups of Israelis and Palestinians to come practice with us here. It's very difficult to obtain visas for Palestinians. We had to work closely with the foreign ministry in order to get a number of visas. And when the two groups came to Plum Village, it was very difficult in the beginning. They did not look at each other... I guess that when they look at each other, they suffer. So we allowed them to stay in different places and on the first days, we helped them to practice in order to get in touch with the refreshing and healing elements in nature. Walking meditation, sitting meditation, tea meditation, mindful eating, singing songs of the Dharma and then we initiated them to the practice of listening to their own suffering. Listen to their own suffering. And it's only in the second week that we brought the two groups together for the practice of listening deeply to each other. One group is invited to speak out. And they have been instructed that they can tell everything about their suffering. You can tell the other group every kind of suffering that you have undergone. Children and adults. You can tell them everything, but please use a kind of speech that can help them to understand. Don't blame, don't accuse, just tell them how you suffer - your children, your adults. Because if you use that kind of speech you help them to understand. The purpose is to help them to understand your own suffering. Do not blame, do not accuse, just tell them of your suffering The suffering you have undergone. And with the other group, who will be practicing deep listening, we tell them to sit, breathe, and listen with the practice of mindfulness of compassion. We listen to them with only one purpose, to help them to suffer less. Because we know that they also have a lot of suffering in them. So the purpose of this session is just to listen, so that they can speak out, empty their hearts, and suffer less. So we are not going to interrupt them, even if they have wrong information and so on. So both groups were practicing loving speech and compassionate listening. And the miracle --- CUT --- When you listen like that, you recognize that the other side they have suffered exactly the same thing like on your side - children and adults. Before that, you believed that only you suffer, the other side does not suffer, they are only the cause of your suffering. You believe that the other side is the cause of your suffering. But when you suffer, you listen like that, you suddenly realize that they are human beings who have suffered exactly like on your side. And for the first time, you see them as living beings full of suffering. And that kind of insight helps anger to go down in you. And you begin to look at them with compassion. The first time, you see them as living beings who have suffered exactly the same kind of suffering that on your side, you have suffered. And when you look with the eyes of compassion, you don't suffer anymore. In the beginning, there was a lot of anger, a lot of suspicion, a lot of fear, but now, since you have been able to see them as human beings who have suffered a lot like you, suddenly you feel compassion is born in your heart, and for the first time, you can look at them with compassion, and when you look like that, you don't suffer any more. You don't want to retaliate, you don't want to punish them any more, and you want to say something, to do something, to help them suffer less. Transformation begins to take place in you. And we have many sessions like that, succeeding each other, and each time, for this side to have their right to speak about their suffering, the other group will be listening. And a few sessions like that can heal the wounds of both of them. And many of us who are not Palestinians or Israelis, we sit with them, we walk with them, we eat with them, we bring our mindfulness and concentration as a collective energy to support their practice. And now they began to eat together, they began to walk together, even holding hands to walk together. It's very beautiful. And on the last day of the retreat, they always... both groups come together as one group, and reported to the whole community about the fruit of their practice. It's very moving to see the transformation and healing taking place. They always told us that when they go back to the Middle East, they will organize practice like that, so that other Israelis and Palestinians can come to practice to suffer less. And in Plum Village, every year, we send a delegation of monks and nuns and lay people to the Middle East and have organized retreats of mindfulness so that people can come and practice with us. We have sister Thay Nghiem... is she back already? Thay Nghiem is in Israel with other monks and nuns offering a retreat for people in the Middle East. So to restore communication, and to reconcile is something possible with the practice of mindfulness and concentration. If you know how to practice compassionate listening and loving speech, you can restore communication, you can reconcile. I like to tell you this story of a lady in America, She's a catholic. She wanted to commit suicide because she did not see a way out. The husband was a university professor, they have children who are in college, who are students in universities also, but they did not have happiness, because there is a lot of anger in him, despair in her, and there is no communication. She described him as a kind of bomb ready to explode at any time. That lady has a friend who is a practitioner, a buddhist practitioner of mindfulness And the buddhist lady always tried to... to get her to listen to a Dharma talk given by Thay. And the talk is about defusing a bomb. Because the catholic lady always said: "My husband was like a bomb - so much anger ready to explode at any time." So the buddhist lady said: "I have a Dharma talk, given by my teacher about how to defuse a bomb! So why don't you listen and learn to help your husband to transform his anger?" But that catholic lady said: "But I am a catholic, why do I have to listen to... ... to a Dharma talk?!" So she refused. But one day, she was in despair, and she telephoned her friend who is a buddhist practiioner: "My dear friend, I am going to kill myself tonight." And the buddhist lady said: "Well, please come, and visit me before you do so. Take a taxi, come! And tell me what is wrong." And then, when the catholic lady came, the buddhist lady said: "Dear friend, you have told me you have told me several times, that I am your best friend, and yet, I don't believe it so much, because the only request that I made is for you to listen to the talk of my teacher, but you refused. How can I believe that you are my best friend, I am your best friend at all?" That's a kind of challenge. And the catholic lady said (to herself): "Well, to satisfy her need, her request, is not so difficult, so I am going to listen to that talk, and I will go home and kill myself later on." So the buddhist lady was so happy, so she gave the cassette tape, because at that time there was no CD... no Compact Disc, and she withdrew and allowed the catholic lady to be alone and to listen to the talk. And you know that in the talk, I spoke about compassionate listening, loving speech, in order to restore communication and to reconcile. And the catholic lady sat down and listened to the whole talk. And something happened in her. And when she finished listening to the talk, she told her friend: "I'm going home and I'll help my husband!" "To defuse the bomb in him, I am going to listen to him, with compassion, so that he will suffer less. I see that he has a lot of suffering in him, and I have not helped him at all - I have reacted in such a way that made him suffer more. I'm going to practice deep listening, compassionate listening, to help him suffer less. The buddhist lady said: "Well, you have to wait, my dear friend. You need some training before you can do it! It's not just by listening to a tape that you can go and practice right away! My teacher is coming from France to give several retreats of mindfulness, and one is right here, in California! So why don't you wait for a few days and we will go to the retreat together. And I am sure that after the retreat, you will apply the teaching and you will be successful in helping your husband. And the catholic lady agreed to wait for a few days until they came to a retreat. And after the retreat, she came home very peacefully, and she was determined to practice. That night she came home and walked mindfully, breathing in and out, calming herself: "My husband, I know you have suffered so much, in the last many years. I could not help you to suffer less. And I have reacted angrily and made you suffer much more. Dear one, it's not my intention to make you suffer like that. Just because I was ignorant I did not understand the suffering in you. So please help me, tell me of your suffering, tell me of your difficulties. Please help me. I need help. And her husband began to cry. Because the lady has not spoken to him like that for a long time. And that night became a very healing night. They listened to each other, they reconciled, and she was able to convince him to go to the next retreat. Both husband and wife went to the 2nd retreat of mindfulness. And on the last day of retreat, during a tea meditation, the husband told the group introducing his wife: "This is a bodhisattva that has saved my life." She has helped me to heal and to transform. And then, a week after that, there was a day of mindfulness organized in the practice center called Spirit Rock. There were many thousand people coming for the mindfulness day. And a couple came with their 3 children and attended the day of mindfulness. And we had a chance to meet that group, and they told us the story. The buddhist lady brought them over, introduced them, and told us the story of the transformation and healing of the family. And when I talked to... I remember when one day I talked to a group of Vietnamese buddhists, I said: "That lady, she's a catholic, she's not a buddhist, but only after 5 days of retreat, she was able to restore communication and to reconcile with her husband. And you are buddhists! And if you cannot do like her, your practice is not good enough! It's a kind of challenge... challenging. The fact is that buddhists are not buddhists if you know how to practice compassionate listening and loving speech you'll be able to restore communication and to reconcile. You have to stop that situation of difficult relationships. And if you know how to do it, you can succeed after 5 days of practice. And I think in the case of the Israelis and Palestinians, that is a difficult case. And that is why, if we have difficulties in our relationships, don't despair. There is a way out. You have to go back to yourself first. You are here. And you are the person here. You have difficulties in your relationship, you have tried so many times without success, and you are about to give up. You are thinking of divorce, you are thinking of separation, you are thinking of suicide, and so on. Because you have tried everything, and you did not succeed. But when you touch the Dharma, you see the way. The way is to begin with yourself. Listen to your own suffering, go home to yourself. Don't try to help the other person, try to help yourself first. Practice mindful breating, mindful walking go home to yourself, and listen to your suffering inside. Because understanding suffering will bring compassion. And compassion is going to heal you, and make you suffer less, and then you can help the other person. So the first thing is for you to go home to yourself. The way out is in. And after you have suffered less, after you have generated and amount of understanding and compassion, then you are ready to go help him or her. And that is the process. And you don't need to be a buddhist in order to do that. Everyone can do that, and restore communication and reconcile. I think that's good enough for today. Subtitles by the Amara.org community
