BPD Psychiatric Interview | Jake & Dr. Lois Choi-Kain | Borderline Personality Disorder

hi Jake hi it's really nice to meet you yes I'm glad to be here you have come to this channel because of your feeling that there's something about borderline personality disorder that really captures your experience yeah can you tell me a little bit about how you came to having that diagnosis um so for years actually I heard the term borderline personality disorder I'm like I don't know the name kind of was like those are I'm not even going to look into it so whoops well what was it about the name I don't know and also um well also my uh my sister suspected my sister like upon like her own research that my mother had that so that's why I didn't want to be associated with that name um you know because you know I didn't want to be anything like my mother so yeah just kind of searching for answers and I was like I just kept an open mind and then you know searched YouTube videos people talking about it just kind of engulfing myself in that world and welcoming any possibility so that's how I came about that and then I just brought it to doctor's attention and well what had happened for you before that had you been in treatment for a long time yeah um since I was 11 which I'm going to be 28 um next month so trial and error definitely well can you tell me a little about that story of trial and error what brought you into treatment to begin with when you're only 11 years old um just witnessing a lot of bad things like abuse and all that and just very very scarring things that were detrimental to my sister my brother and I and even my mom like she also was a victim too in her own right so when we were taken in place with our father divorced um just yeah all of us sought out treatment I mean I didn't know what was going on half the time though because I thought the life I was living was normal like the history like abuse like so I thought that was normal so I'm like why am I in therapy nothing's wrong even though it was wrong I knew it was but I didn't at the same time so at the time you didn't really have orientation to what to do with the therapy yeah and then I don't know why it stopped I think so I don't remember the next time I was in therapy I think I was 15 or 16. so because I it yeah so that first therapy ended and then you went back into therapy when you were 15. yeah what had happened between that time a lot of creativity a lot of writing a lot of camcorder recording thinking I'm a great short filmmaker but just a lot of creativity um and just neglect too so like it kept like I would leave at like 9 00 p.m come back seven in the morning and no one would notice I was gone so that's the difference between my father and my mother's my father's like neglect and not being worried about my mother iweb you know get name called and glass shattering all over the carpet and holes in the wall so it's like just pick your poison so um so I ended up moving between this kind of very scary degree of chaos every day feeling fear to feeling like you're being neglected yeah so I got that no one's looking at reports let you choose which parent if they're deemed both safe which neither were but it's like five months I'll deal with them I'll move yeah I was moving back and forth so just because I can handle them for a little bit it's just yeah it's a very unhealthy way of thinking whether it's an unhealthy environment I was in that caused this well what about this development of your creativity because I think this is actually really important part of your story so tell me a bit about how you develop that side of yourself in the face of this instability that you were in yeah um I was so I started a writing probably while I was in the middle of so my mother started seeing someone and he ultimately ruined her life my stepfather um ultimately was the cycle of where things started going wrong um so I don't know I started journaling but like in a it wasn't about my life it was almost like someone else Alter Ego or whatever it took me out of the world it took me especially writing fiction I didn't I like writing about myself with poetry and all that that's like it's cathartic it helps a lot but I prefer to write fiction which because I don't wanna I don't want to think about me I already think about my issues enough in life you know like because I'm forced to live with it so writing about other people and their experiences is really great um like you know like a drug it was great it was almost like a you know addiction because I just notebook's full at all time because it just took me away so well developing a capacity to distance yourself from your experience and process some of it but not be too close to it in the absence of enough stability or support kind of really think more clearly about what was going on but can we go back to that what was going on for you during that time um so when I moved back in with my mother when I was like 15 she would play like best mother of the month every time we moved back so it was like you know perfect must you know perfect mother for a month and then things went downhill so she got me therapy because can we go back to what that means for you so you said she was a perfect mother every time you would re-enter the household what did that look like um cooking every day she wouldn't be talking to you know our stepfather like she would because throughout her entire life until her her passing um he was an addiction to her for like 18 18 years I'm sorry like 16 years back and forth back and forth so every time we move in she'd be done with them and she always made it seem like it was believable um and then just you know taking care of our needs you know because we're kids you know like it almost felt like we had to take care of her needs like even when we were young so you know that weight of not having to take care of our mother when we're like 12 13 14 15 because we had to be her support system but what about finally getting her to start taking care of you and the hope of maybe her leaving this addiction of hers what was that like for you very it was very like hopeful not hopeful hopeful it was up and down every like because when she would like fade from being the perfect mother like it was just misery every day like literally she would flip out over like little things like she would just throw like big like candles across the wall so it's just I don't know and then later like she would be okay and you know want to watch TV together so it was it was very confusing very like not knowing living on your toes it's very unpredictable which side of her that you're gonna get how did you manage that being a kid I didn't I don't know I just wasn't present and I don't know I just was very mad and losing my mind literally and but writing yeah helped and took me far away and it's almost because like when you're being abused and all that it's almost like normalized so you're like thinking not thinking so I was aware it was bad but I wasn't at the same time I didn't realize I don't know it's not like I thought other kids were being abused and hit and yelled at and you know but I I don't know I didn't think like that but it just just seemed normal oh my mother oh she's in a good mood today oh never mind you know well how do you think these fluctuations and disappointments have formed your personality now um never believing I don't know I just don't believe people when they're showing good intentions I'm waiting for the oh I am always waiting for the worst thing to happen like today yesterday I'm always worried someone's gonna harm me so because that was you know her husband you know my stepfather he'd always be in the picture somehow and he would always like holes in the wall and so it was very un it was scary it's like last year was scary like I literally thought I was gonna die every day like it like it's awful yeah and that's not even exact it's not an exaggeration you know people are like oh come on no it was like that it was like you know I'm surprised it didn't end up like a feral child you know it sounds quite serious the story you're telling me that you're a little kid and your mother would really go back and forth between providing some hope that she might protect you and take good care of you and then the next moment that falling apart and feeling the misery of this situation you were realistically in and it sounds like one of the ways that you learned how to cope Jacob is to detach yourself in the world of fantasy or creating a story that has less fear to it and now you're in a place where you really cannot even trust the good in relationships you have yeah oh yeah definitely it's awful but we're learning let's back up a second do you mind if we go back to that how is that affecting your relationships now like with like what exactly the part of it where even the good in people you are constantly in a state of mistrust and fear that it can't last or it can't be real okay and the other shoe is going to drop at any moment well so when I moved out of my mom's house ultimately I thought I was gonna be like happy instantly I didn't realize I was naive to think like I'm gonna move out and I'm gonna feel like a brand new person which you know I did ultimately you know but I didn't realize I was going to be in therapy for a long time I didn't realize I thought it was gonna be ultimately like recovered and all that which you know isn't the case but um yeah it's trust is a problem because I ended up dating someone who is really awful to me like brainwashing so I haven't really had time to recover except for the last like year and a half like I haven't like meeting people I always think they're like gonna harm me or they're gonna betray me or they're gonna use it against me if I'm vulnerable like even like last year I was like trying to get into the dating world again but I was scared they were gonna literally physically harm me and it's like not great because you know life is lonely so it's like we all need to find people who care about us so absolutely um yeah but it sounds like what you're saying Jacob is that this template of your early life with your mother and your stepfather has created a sense of mistrust that makes it impossible for you to get close to people because you have this expectation that they're going to harm you that comes from a real experience so do you mind telling me a little bit more about this relationship where you feel like the other person was really harming you and brainwashing you oh yeah how did that relationship start you know here it's so funny because it's like so I was in the newspaper and uh you know with the school um the school I was going to is such a fun time um and so he messaged me on Facebook and he's also like 13 years older than me so he had that power over me which that's a whole nother issue um but he started message so he's like my age not isn't that freaking weird oh my God that like literally makes my head spin um but um yeah I was 14 and he was I thought he was being friendly because I was naive and then he just kind of kept up with me throughout the years until I was of legal age and then yeah we started dating four years I was naive um but you know he took advantage of that and I don't know he would say a few awful things say the worst things about me and then be like well you don't know what love is because you never experienced it growing up so this is a crash course on it and stuff like that so he literally made me think like the way he was treating me was normal so I would go to therapy and I you know he'd be like you're so defensive you're so defensive which I am but what he was saying and doing I had the right to be defensive I had the right to be like this isn't okay but you know I was young I didn't know better you know you think someone is you know yeah he took advantage and then he waited and you know was giving reflections of you know my mother also you know I you know they say you end up with people like you know people who hurt you and stuff like that so well I wonder if what you mean by that is that there was this new hope that this person might be able to take an interest in you and take care of you or the way that you needed it yeah that's definitely true but then something happened that actually led to something very harmful happening yeah I uh I don't know I was very much infatuated too and maybe he was at first I don't know his deal um but yeah it was definitely detrimental like I was making steps into you know recovery or you know healing or whatever and he definitely knocked me back some steps for a few years and like he made me talk about that infatuation though because I think that's the beginning point of these relationships that end up very harmful to you so what was it about that infatuation yeah like ultimately it was like became Obsession too and like just I don't know needing this other person because I felt very alone alone like I I kind of was in a way I felt like I was on you know on my own dude I mean I was literally walking the street at age 15 for eight hours at night like literally I would leave like I said earlier and leave for hours just literally Pace because I just I don't know I felt like a missing piece was inside me even at that and it's just it's weird to look back I'm like I was so young like why was I feeling with that anyway but yeah I uh clung on to him and he kind of was the right person to I mean like it was the perfect person who it was a perfect trap it was a perfect trap like it always made him the right person I don't know um just because he was looking for someone vulnerable he kind of likes to fix people he thinks he's fixing people he likes people who are broke and it makes him feel like he's complete that's the best way I can put it it makes him feel whole by finding these broken pieces of people but um I'll respect I'll respect to him I do think you understand something about this Jacob is that you are so vulnerable at that time with all the instabilities you're facing at home and so in your need to lean on someone you found this person who is really wanting to fix you and you were hoping that that might happen yeah yeah throughout like my life I thought I needed to find another person to be with they would fix me and that's obviously not the right way to think but you know when you're 15 16 17 18 you think the other person's gonna save you and all that stuff yeah well why wouldn't you want that yeah given what's what had happened to you yeah but now what in relationships still because you have an Insight in this what do you think unfolds that it's difficult to get over yeah that's the tricky part is like people say you gotta get over your past you know that's what I hear you know you gotta move on and it's like I'm not even thinking about the pastel most of the time it's like almost like an aftertaste like the dust after and like I don't know like people like just let it I'm like I'm literally just trying to go to work without having a panic attack or that you know I'm literally just trying to like not have these like moments of frustration and then five seconds later crying and then feel like everyone secretly hates me like or feel like someone's gonna poison me you know like thinking you know being all over the place so yeah well that sounds really terribly difficult is that what you're saying to me Jacob if I understand you correctly is that every day you're just trying to get through the day and these things just intrude on you the panic the fear the question of whether or not you're going to get through the day and that sounds like it leads to a sense of something about you and what you feel about yourself can you tell me a little bit more about that what it is that you feel about yourself when you're trying to get through the day um lately I'm like see like even at work dropping a fork or whatever I'm like so freaking stupid you're so stupid this is why this this always this is why dot dot dot this is why this is why that and it's almost like punishing myself but like it's all about trying to change my mind like literally and it's like it's very exhausting I am exhausted by like you know within a few hours into my day because it's like I'm literally trying to train my mind to not hate me so you know experience with that is just going to the store to get milk I'm like okay Everyone's Watching Me Everyone's Watching Me you know everyone you know here is watching me everyone's listening they're thinking this you know they're thinking that there are is that person's coming are they gonna attack me turn my music off you know so I could hear what they're saying in case they're thinking of plotting an attack it's literally like on guard 24 7. and like I work in customer service and I don't know it's I'm almost safe there also so like that like that can kind of doesn't happen when I'm behind you know the bar or whatever because it's almost like I'm a different person like I'm like you know I I don't know that's interesting how like customer service doesn't overwhelm me but everything else like once I'm like leaving work I'm like it's back on well that makes sense to me because it feels like what you're saying Jacob is that on a day-to-day basis because you can't trust other people you work really hard to manage yourself and it's an exhausting process in the face of all the fears you have but when you do go to work you can put on a kind of role or a version of yourself that seems to make life a little bit more clear and easy and automatic for you can you tell me a little bit about what you feel about yourself in that role in customer service what do you do there how do you define yourself and how does that organize your interactions with other people I have fun with it I actually enjoy I'm you know right now I'm a bartender which is funny because I don't drink anymore because I have a drinking problem so it's like really funny it's like hey I'm Jacob you're an alcoholic bartender how can I help you um you know I feel like I become the person I want to be 24 7 almost like I I can be outgoing I can be social I can be fun I can but when I'm alone oh God I don't know it's like oh God why'd I say that why'd I say that but you know people like me you know and it's like I don't know I'm actually good at it and I feel good about myself and I never feel good about myself so it's like you know if I feel good about like I feel almost guilty feeling good about myself so well what I hear you saying is that there's something that you've been able to develop for yourself where you can really hone in on what other people want and need in this role of doing customer service or in being a bar Contender that you've developed this intuition about people that helps you be able to deliver what you think they want from you and like helping other people and like often like especially working in a coffee shop brightening people's day because I often feel terrible so I feel better about myself when I like make someone smile or like because we all have things going on in life well you know so brightening people's day so that's all that's when I feel good is like people walking in front on the face leaving with a smile and I know that's like cheesy like customer service yeah but like I don't know it's that's real that's what makes me feel good I actually don't think it's cheesy because with everything that you've been through and the feelings you have about yourself being the cause of your problems at times having some experience of yourself as contributing to someone else's day or making things better or making someone happy seems to bring you some comfort and self-worth now I'm going to share with you worry I have about you oh joy from just knowing you a brief time during this conversation is I fear that you spend so much energy taking care of the other person in the interaction to keep yourself safe and to know how to manage that you are not able to be seen or get your needs met in those interactions yeah I agree yeah I'm very self-aware which is awful like it's great but you know some people and a lot of people need more self-awareness I feel but I'm a little too self-aware and I I would like to take it back a notch because it's like I have like 12 eyes like I'm always scanning I'm picking up this it's like always analyzing everything so um it's like yeah I notice I I said something about you in my understanding of you I don't actually know if it was accurate or not and the next thing you did was criticize yourself is that true yes well that's awful it's awful yeah what do you make of that uh I don't handle good things about me well like people saying good oh I don't believe anyone when they say anything good about me I'm like you're lying you're just trying to make me feel better you know like it's very toxic to myself at least and that can be to other people you know like they're trying to help and a lot of people don't know how to help but you know they they mean well everyone has good intentions I feel so is that true that's not true but you know that's not true obviously you know but um yeah I'm very I always criticize myself I always punish myself for I don't know why well let's think about that together what what does that do for you to continuously have to manage yourself by telling yourself that you're bad or you need to do something differently or you didn't do something right what does that do for you um [Music] purpose I I don't know I can be deemed as the bad person I always feel like I'm a bad person I feel like I always have to prove I'm not a bad person I'm not a bad person but like I'm not like I volunteer at animal shelters like I was going to school to you know work as a sign language interpreter um so it's like you know writing books and all that wanting to help people wanting to you know I'm awful at explaining how I feel um but it's all about proving to myself or other people I'm not awful I'm not a bad person you know a lot of guilt a lot of Shame don't know how to get rid of that don't know how to fix that so yeah because it's literally like it's guilt and I think that's the main recipe to my chaos well it sounds like you're trying to revise something about yourself that you hold very centrally to motivate building a better life but I think that part of you that is buried underneath that that feels so damaged or to blame for your problems I think also gets in the way of your feeling able to integrate things about yourself that are more positive because even when I talk to you about things that might be positive or affirming about you I think you seem to get a bit uncomfortable with that you don't know what to do with it yeah yeah I'm very I mean I'm always uncomfortable that's literally like I'm never comfortable like I'm always like nervously smiling or laughing even when I'm talking about something serious so I'm just I live in a fluctuating state of uncomfortability it's fun it doesn't look fun no but I think that maneuver that you just made to kind of seal over how painful your life is by saying it's fun or it's fine I wonder if that's from my benefit to get me off the hook about worrying about you yeah well I I would say for a while my people probably should be worried about me I'm in a decent place right now but that's literally what I I don't know Jake let's go what I think there's something about possibility that I could be worried and concerned about you that you seem to want to run away from okay do you think that's accurate I mean yeah I don't want people to worry about me but like also like can you say more about that what would happen if I were worried about you um oh um I don't believe people are actually worried about me like people only I don't know I feel like people only have not me because I'm I'm people only look out for themselves and I know that's like very cut and dry but I feel like the people that I've experienced but I'm meeting new people and like I'm changing I'm growing but like people I've come into contact with are selfish and you know not they haven't been yeah selfish and damaging so if I were to be worried about you there may be something in it for me that leads me to harm you oh yeah oh yeah I think literally like everyone is and that's awful because I know it's not true everyone's out to get me but that's like I can sit here and say I know people aren't going to hurt me I know no one's gonna break into my house I know no one's putting cameras in my house I don't know when's coming from coming for me that's like a big thing someone's coming for me to take me away if I hear a twig outside crack probably by the wind or neighbors I'm like they're they're here you know it's like constant anxiety and um but there's something more essential here is that all your life you've been looking for someone to look out for you and protect you and take care of you but even when someone actually understands what difficulty you've faced and continue to face every day it's hard to accept that they may actually be concerned about you always helpful for sure yeah and that sounds actually very isolating oh yeah I isolating very isolating very uh difficult but we're trying to make changes I can see you are but I think this discrepancy between what you understand would be better for you improving your life and solving the problems a borderline personality disorder are interrupted by these really deeply seated ideas and fears you have about people yeah it's pretty violating to myself like when people are trying to they're trying people there have been good people who've tried and it's like well tell me more about that how have good people tried to help you just you know fought hard and wanted me to better myself took me to like appointments and stuff like that and just encouraged me and then ultimately like just a lot of ironically fear of an abandonment but like also pushing people away and then it's like that push and pull back and forth seesaw type thing of you know you need to stay away no please don't please don't go like you know type thing and it's literally like pacing the apartment like nine million times of like you know worrying the next thing's gonna happen you know it's very just that debilitating very con very static like there's always something going on yeah give me an example of someone who is really investing in you where these symptoms of borderline personality disorder the Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and this Push Pull of you needing them but fearing them how has that played out in a specific relationship um so we're still friends but I was with someone for like a year and a half um and he was he's a good person and you know we still talk with friends like we literally just talked earlier and there's no like you know I don't we're just friends and um I got out of my relationship with the awful ex he was you know the next person and he literally taught me it's okay you know to suggest a movie because I was I I literally wouldn't even suggest a movie because I was scared I was gonna be like told here that's a stupid idea why would you like that why would you yeah here's and I wouldn't eat in front of him because I was like that's how like I was scared because I was told I eat like a barbarian you know I eat like you're my you're gross you're disgusting you know so like he just by like sitting in the living room eating like fast food and watching like shows and stuff it I felt safe I felt I felt safe and that's something I was searching for for a long time and but I didn't believe it would be lasting I didn't believe you know I I always thought the worst was coming and so he would like go out of his way I mean he lived like 45 minutes an hour away and he like literally like brought me to emergency rooms because I was having a breakdown or you know even when like I pretty much broke up with him at that point um he was still helping he had good he he's a good person it sounds like he was really reliable and there for you and not critical of you in a way that you needed but you said you broke up with him yeah what happened um I was just angry I was sad I was confused I was just all over the place and I was just I was a fool well again you're going to be hard on yourself about why you pushed this person that you so needed away but it sounds like you were in a lot of pain and you were angry sad and Confused is what I think I eat you just said how do you think that influenced the way you saw this person [Music] um I almost wanted to make him a person that he actually isn't like he says something oh God why'd he say it like that oh my God he is he changing his mind about me does he hate me now and uh and then like almost anything reassurance and it's so annoying it's so annoying after a while you got to be like content in the relationship after a while you got to be like chilled if I go um but um yeah I don't know he wasn't that bothered by how I act and I almost felt like he I not deserve not I hate that not deserve but like I should have gotten a bigger reaction but he was so understanding and I was like getting mad about that I'm like why don't you see me as a freak why don't you see like how do you see me as a good person how do you see me like you actually are looking at me like I'm a I'm good looking I'm like why it's weird like why are you doing this what are you are you gonna hurt me in the end and it's just I literally had to make him it's almost like I was making him a bad person in my mind that he was he was he was on his way to detouring me from recovery and you know that was bad that was awful like I wish I handled that differently but I didn't can I can I check if I have understood you correctly but there was something about your need for this guy that made you really prone to needing constant reassurance that he wasn't going to harm you and you were almost like hyper Vigilant to those signs and then you were easily feeling threatened in a way that made you challenge him and that his patient reactions then became very confusing to you yeah yeah is that yeah that's fair yeah he's you know he's a cool person well he had a lot of patience and understanding and support of you but I still am confused about how you broke up with him oh yeah um I was having I just how did I I just like I found a little problem that he was doing and I made a thing even though I have like 99 problems he can only have one type thing uh but no I I wasn't the nicest person I could have been nicer and you know I it's tough it's tough and it's tough to see someone you care about suffering probably I was suffering I was suffering and um you know he brought me to the emergency room twice and that was fun that was great I enjoyed that very much I sent some I enjoyed that so but yeah ultimately I say a bit more about what happened there with emergency rooms so was that a culmination of your efforts to kind of push him away oh yeah and I just that and also I wanted to I hope this is the point where I wanted to feel better I just wanted to feel better like I've been in and out there you know I'm sorry in and out of like emergency rooms since I was like 16 years old for self-harm and all this stuff so this time I went voluntarily or whatever and they wanted to admit me and stuff like that but I didn't want to be because I have dogs and I would be like my dogs helped me so much but I do get very anxious worrying about them like I have a camera now that I can like set up on my phone where I'm at work I could see them but like I literally worried about the house catching on fire like anything that could go wrong so um well we were talking about how this breakup occurred oh yes and there was something about this partner of yours that was very patient and supportive and trying to be there for you and your sad angry harming yourself unable to use his support and unable to feel like you maybe deserved what he had to offer [Music] and so you mentioned that you kept going to the emergency room was that a part of what ended the relationship oh no he was gonna still stick it out I just I also probably just needed to be alone at that point and what does that mean because it sounds like you're sending all sorts of signals up that you needed somebody they did but I don't know I had this thing I didn't want to drag anyone down and this and you know we still talk and you know he's with someone I'm actually with someone now um he's great um I just want to like get that out there um so I don't know I just was in a very weird place where I've always been with someone also or trying to find someone so to you know that's literally what I would do it's just anyone who would look at me you know it was very desperate very desperate for a distraction that's what my life's been about distracting myself some way so I didn't have a lot of time to focus on me because like you actually said earlier focusing on other people's needs like you know my mother you know making sure they're okay making sure they're okay your dogs yeah yeah make sure everyone else and my dogs are okay but you know not focusing on me which you know is cliche but you really do got to take care of yourself well I think that circles us back to a realization that you've mentioned about your journey is that when you realize that you're going to have to figure out a way to take care of yourself you found this path to working on your problems in borderline personality disorder and what we've just talked about is how you may have pushed that very reliable supportive personal way out of almost a way to protect him yeah I'm gonna take care of him that's accurate you're good at this well like you're kind of doing with me now which is that I think every time we go into a painful area of your life I think you start to become entertaining and deflect away and I wonder if you're trying to spare me somehow from something perhaps that might be hard for me okay well well what do you make of that that's pretty accurate I always got to make a joke or smile awkwardly it's uncomfortable I'm uncomfortable always and even when good things are happening even when I just live in yeah state of uncomfortability even when good things are happening I'm uncomfortable cuddling you know my boyfriend sometimes when cuddling you know just enjoying shows and stuff it's just like wow I feel good why what's your are you allowed so well both feeling good and actually connecting with someone who might care about you seems to be an area of real difficulty even though you seem to understand you need that you know this very complicated way of pulling it in and then pushing it away yeah uh-huh and you know you mentioned that now you have a partner yeah he's great that is um great to you how are you managing that now actually kind of well like I'm surprised but it's hard well what's changed knowing my diagnosis knowing why oh my gods for so long I'm like why am I operated like this and you know now I have some I'm still searching for some answers but like I know a little more of why I act the way I do why I do this and what I can do you know I know some skills and stuff like that I know you know sometimes they work better than uh you know sometimes it's not possible it feels to like calm myself down but I have and I'm also welcoming uh welcoming good things and having uncomfortable discussions I mean this is pretty this is pretty uncomfortable but you know in a good way you know like it's who wants to talk about their feelings like who wants to talk about the most painful moments in their life no one does but with this relationship you know I don't know it's coming out the perfect pace and he just has a lot of things I don't want to run away from I mean he's a very good kind considerate listens understood you said that about a year and a half ago you learned that you had this diagnosis yes and that it's clarified and understanding for yourself yeah so what do you think you need to look out for in this relationship to help yourself get your needs now and be loved um realizing he doesn't secretly hate me realizing you know just because I don't know he might have a certain tone or whatever look on his face doesn't mean he secretly wants to leave me he's plotting you know I can't wait till he leaves like I'll misinterpret everything so trying to cancel that out trying to believe him when you know he says good things about me I'm just like are you sure no that's not me that's not true and but you know we're working on that like I'm telling myself why would he lie why would he do all these good things for me if he didn't have if he didn't care about me like am I taught asking other people like does this sound crazy am I overreacting does he mean it like this or does he or am I twisting it because that's how other people have reacted you know so it's like learning not everyone is gonna hurt you or kill you or want to kill you or poison you or just you know it gets literally like trying to prove myself what I initially think wrong which it's working yeah because I'm enjoying myself well I think it sounds like you realize your Tendencies to search out signs that you're going to be harmed or criticized or abandoned and that you are more aware of trying to not react in the relationship according to those fears well well just to summarize what I think I've learned about you Jake I think that because you've grown up in such an incoherent and painful world I think you developed a incoherent sense of self that really fluctuated between the side of yourself that was in deep need and pain as well as anger about the circumstances that you had to cope with and that vacillates with this side of you that's learned how to survive by taking care of others in a relationship controlling and organizing that relationship by being Pleasant entertaining and protective of the other person and that I think has made it very hard for you to feel like you could do good for yourself and receive good things from other people yeah when people would be nice to me I would get angry because it didn't make sense it didn't make sense yeah and that's what I think is essentially very painful about having borderline personality disorder is that incoherent sense of self yeah causes people to lash out when they actually get their needs met yeah because they either don't trust it or it's not enough to solve the painful problems that they've lived with but it seems to me Jake that you've somehow found a way to understand your difficulties so that you're not always reacting to this constant fear of living the same experiences of trauma over and over again yeah not reacting is the thing but I'm always feeling it which is still awful yes it is yeah but well what has it been like for you talking about all of this with me today it's interesting it's very uncomfortable it's very like I feel like I'm I am scattered it's because it's just like there's so much to cover like I literally could be here for 40 hours and I still wouldn't have scratched the surface it feels it feels so skin deep and all that but um yeah you're right about them yeah how could this possibly get to the depth of what you've been through yeah this disorder is very isolating very isolating and very confusing and just finding out what you are after so many years of like no it's not the some you know I don't know if they're right and like oh so it's you know so here it is it's like oh no I have this but yay I I know and uh it does start with the diagnosis I feel getting like I mean you can't like go to a doctor and you know get treated for diabetes or whatever getting but you're getting like some other treatment for like something else like how is that gonna help the diabetes the same same concept I feel so yeah I'm doing my best and you sure are yeah thank you yes thank you

Channel: BorderlinerNotes

Views: 7,148

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Id: uH7Wdt92Yog

Length: 49min 59sec (2999 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 14 2023