Borderline Demonizes Partner, Pathologizes Narcissist (Or Herself)

yesterday's Masterpiece provoked a lot of questions and I'm here to question all your answers today we are going to discuss how the borderline is forced into demonizing you and if she fails she demonizes herself and yes yes gender pronouns are interchangeable he she borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are diagnosed among among men and among women sometimes equally so chill I'm using she or he for convenience sake my name is Sam rachnin I'm the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited and I'm a former visiting professor of psychology and today we're going to visit the realm of the borderline narcissistic relationship and what they do to each other start by elucidating some of the more obscure points in yesterday's video borderline personality disorder the borderline suffers from persecutory delusions she has paranoid ideation she is hyper vigilant she suspects everyone she doesn't trust anyone including herself she is all the time questioning what is happening why is it happening she has referential ideation she is convinced that she's the butt of Gossip or mockery or the center of a conspiracy paranoia is an integral part of borderline personality disorder but why why does the borderline feel the need to be paranoid because it is an instrument a paranoid ideation allows the borderline to extricate herself to remove herself from a relationship now you remember that borderlines suffer from the Twin anxieties abandonment anxiety on the one hand also known as separation insecurity and in government in a measurement anxiety she approaches then she avoids approach avoidance repetition compulsion I hate you don't leave me but how could she justify to herself dumping or withdrawing from or avoiding a perfectly good partner someone who loves her adores her caters to her needs is even a bit submissive or subservient how could she explain to herself why why she would get rid of someone like that and who better is she likely to find this is done via paranoia the borderline concocts very convoluted and complex narratives in which she is being victimized by a cabal of ill wishes and that includes her intimate partner her intimate partner becomes an enemy per secondary object and that allows her to withdraw from him and to avoid him in good conscience I'm withdrawing I'm avoidant I'm withholding and frustrating because he hates me he conspires against me he is malicious and malevolent he is evil and so paranoid ideation is the pivot the round which the borderline constructs her self-justifying stories as to why she keeps abandoning rejecting humiliating and fleeing from perfectly good partners of course only to return a bit later the persecutory dynamic in the borderline I am being persecuted is either autoplastic or alloplastic allow me to explain I love these words absolutely adore them allow me to explain autoplastic prosecutory Dynamics dynamic I'm a bad object I'm an abuser I'm not good for you I'm corrupt I'm having a better influence on you I'm retarding your growth I'm undermining you I'm destroying you stay away from me that's an autoplastic the secretary dynamic self-directed the anaplastic for secretary Dynamic is exactly the opposite I'm a victim you're abusing me you're mistreating me you're molesting me it's horrible what you're doing to me this is not justified you're destroying me you're controlling me you hate me you're my enemy when the borderline feels the need to withdraw from the partner to avoid the partner because she feels enmeshed she feels engulfed subsumed consumed digested by the partnership is on the verge of Disappearing into the partner merging merging infusing with him to the point of Extinction when she's terrified of this enmeshment and engulfment she develops the secretary delusions or paranoid ideation of one of two types self-directed I am leaving you I'm abandoning you I'm regenting rejecting you my terrific intimate partner because I'm bad for you I'm bad for you I don't want to to affect you badly I don't want to impact your life adversely I'm protecting you I'm doing this because I love you Etc so this is autoplastic self-directed for secretary delusion the other type much more common by the way is the alloplastic alloplastic variety you are paid for me I it's not that I'm bad for you you're bad for me you're the wrong partner for me because you are subjugating me subduing me objecting me destroying me abusing me molesting me uh attacking me assaulting me you name it I mean you're wrong for me when the borderline wants to extricate herself from a relationship because she feels enmeshed and engulfed in short she would either either say to the partner I'm bad for you I'm gone or she would say to the partner you obeyed for me be gone okay got the picture okay but what happens when the borderline fails when her defenses fail and she cannot convert an idealized object to a per secondary object the borderline's intimate partner exactly like the narcissist is idealized and now she needs to convert him from this Angel to inflame soul mate and I don't know what else she needs to convert him into a persecutor an enemy an adversary someone who hates her someone who is out to get her a conspirator so this is not an easy process to transition from an idealized object to a persecutary object um and sometimes it fails it's a defense it's a way to defend against emotional vulnerability emotional dysregulation and intimacy but what if this defense fails and the object remains idealized she cannot convert her partner in good faith but into a molester or an attacker or an enemy or because he's too good he's simply too good he doesn't give her reasons to do this a reality is too much and she she just can't think of him this way this point she can't regard herself as a victim if her intimate partner is the ideal perfect intimate partner and she fails to convert him in her mind into an enemy then of course she cannot claim to be a victim and then there's only one option left if the alloplastic dynamic failed it failed the only other option is the autoplastic dynamic so having failed to render herself a victim because she couldn't bring herself to convert the idealized partner into an enemy having failed that the borderline then transforms herself into an abuser perceives herself is a bed unworthy object if the partner is perfect the partner is ideal if the partner is a true friend and a real lover then something is wrong with her she is the one who is destroying the relationship she is bad inadequate insufficient a failure a loser an abuser an aggressor in her mind this is the autoplastic dynamic the autoplastic for secretary and this ego destiny is too much to bear this realization that she is she is the one who has been abusing her partner she is the one who's been mistreating him she's the one who's been torturing him with her drama antiques etc etc this realization is too much it creates extreme dissonance which gives rise to unbearable anxiety and then the only way out of this anxiety is acting out the classic defenses collapse she cannot project she cannot split she failed she tried she tried to convert her partner as a into a demon into a devil she tried to regard her partner as this evil Wicked sinful entity and she failed and because she had failed she now cannot be a victim she cannot perceive herself as a victim and she regards herself as the abuser and that is too much to bear so she decompensates and she acts out acting out confirms to the borderline that she's a bad object acting out involves crazy making behaviors or just plain crazy behaviors Reckless defiant promiscuity drinking pathological gambling a spree of shopping wasting all the families savings college funds I don't know what doing crazy things acting out is the borderline's way of demonstrating to herself that she is indeed hopeless incorrigible a bid unrmented unremicable object and worthy evil stupid and so so here's the sequence when the relationship is highly intimate the borderline begins to feel engulfed enmeshed subsumed consumed she's terrified she wants out of the religion at first she tries to reconceive of her intimate partner as an enemy if he is an enemy she's the victim if she's the victim she is Justified in running away from him If This Were to fail if this attempt to recast and render the intimate partner a demonic evil malicious and malevolent entity if this is this attempt fails the borderline then proceeds to regard herself is a bad malevolent evil corrupt decrypted object but she has to prove this to herself she has to somehow point at specific behaviors in order to convince herself that she is the abuser she is the bad object and this is where acting out comes into play by acting out the borderline affirms and confirms the basic deformities flaws shortcomings and general malice that characterize herself as a bad object acting out is being a bad girl or a bad boy being a bad girl confirms to the borderline that she should withdraw from the relationship she should abandon her intimate partner she should walk away because she loves him and she doesn't want him to suffer and she doesn't want to impact his life adversely it's an act of self-sacrifice the borderline legitimizes forbidden repressed interjects in her partner she resonates with her Partners pathological parts she becomes a vector of contagion it's as if the borderline is her intimate Partners dark side his shadow and complexes externalized rayfied embodied in the borderline this is this is why in a relationship with the borderline there's always the feeling of some risk residual risk some danger lurking some foreboding some element of catastrophizing because she is a repository of everything in her intimate partner that he had spent a lifetime denying repressing suppressing forgetting ignoring here she is a perfect beautifully shaped sexy reminder of everything that he had wanted to forgive forget about himself the borderline in this sense brings to the surface currents and undercurrents which threatened to destabilize the composure and inner balance of her intimate partner this is doubly and Tripoli and quadrupletu when the borderline's intimate partner is a narcissist because the borderline is the mirror image of the narcissist she has interject inconstancy he has object in constancy she considers herself a bad object externally but not internally he considering considers himself a bad object internally but not externally no interjecting constancy and object in constancy I've discussed in previous videos and I recommend that you use the search facility the search box on my channel to find them just type in interject constancy and you will find everything you need but I want to focus on the second thing I've said second thing I've said is is that both the borderline and the narcissist perceive themselves as bad objects the the belief that they are bad unworthy has been inculcated in them in early childhood but the locus of the Badness the locus of the bed object is different the borderline believes that she is a bad object externally behaviorally socially in interaction with others interpersonally but deep inside she is not a bad object actually she's a sweetheart she's amazing she is a heart of gold she is a giver she's a she cares she's compassionate she's beautiful and wonderful internally externally she's a witch and a [ __ ] that's how she perceives herself the borderline The Narcissist perceives in such himself exactly the opposite externally he considers himself a gift to humanity an amazing person a Wonder to Behold a unique specimen a god-like entity externally internally he is a bed unworthy corrupt loser failure object so borderline internally borderline internally that internally could objects externally bad object narcissists internally bad object externally good object and this explains a lot of a dynamic Dynamics between narcissists and borderlines when they are in an intimate couple borderline considers herself bad and flawed and so she is very hyper Vigilant she she says if my intimate partner gets too close to me he will abandon me if he sees me for who I am he will run to the hills screaming if he finds out the truth about me he will flee he will disappear on me so I want him to live in fantasy I want him to not be embedded in reality I don't want him to see the real me I don't want him to see the real me because externally I look I appear to be a bad object I know that internally says the borderline I know that internally I'm a wonderful person but externally I appear to be a horrible person and if he gets too close to the external operation to the external bad object he will just vanish my intimate partner this perfect ideal man that I've just found so the borderline pushes her narcissistic partner to reside in fantasy to subsist in fantasy to consist of fantasy she wants him to fantasize but fantasy the Fantasy Defense in the case of narcissism is the pathology it's sick it's unhealthy so we can say safely that the borderline once her narcissistic partner or her narcissist partner to be sick to be mentally ill to be divorced from reality to have an impaired reality testing to be to to be almost psychotic to to be to cultivate a fantastic space rather than cope somehow with survival in reality she pushes him to be sick the borderline incentivizes and reinforces the narcissist's pathological Fantasy Defense because within this Fantasy Defense she is ideal and he will never abandon her outside the fantasy space she is real she is bad she is malicious and when it comes to learn this when it comes to know about this is likely to reject her and abandon her so what she does she feeds the narcissist with drama in conflicts the borderline Keeps The Narcissist busy and distracted as he desperately attempts to realign reframe and redefine his internal objects she throws she creates situations which are very high in uncertainty in determinacy fear unpredictability keeping him away from reality busy retouching and photoshopping her snapshot in her in his mind borderline pushes The Narcissist to become psychotic while the narcissist pushes the borderline to become a psychopath with his abuse with his mistreatment with his brainwashing with his coercive control with his fantasy imposed on her with all this he pushes her to the brink of decompensation falling apart disintegrating and then acting out cruelly viciously and aggressively and psychopathically she is a secondary psychopath and so this is the dynamic the unhealthy dynamic between both the lines and narcissists uh someone wrote this question on Instagram is it a fair assumption to make that the narcissist regularly changes the internal state of the internal object is all good or all bad due owing to their own failures in life so that he has her to blame due to his grandiosity it can never be his fault so he projects this onto the internal object and then coerces this image onto the external object in order to start the discard phase no you're confusing or conflating two issues the discard the devaluation and discard phases have to do with the uncompleted incomplete separation individuation in early childhood I have about a bazillion videos dedicated exactly to this point the evaluation and discard have nothing to do with reality with events with the environment this is a totally internal process in the narcissist mind inexorable needed and there's nothing you can do about it and nothing you have no involvement in this is an intimate part the narcissist is going to do value and discard you no matter what because he needs to essentially devalue and discard his mother he she did not allow him to separate from her and to become an individual you are the substitute mother you are the surrogate mother and now he's going to try it out with you he's going to try to separate from you an individually the only way to separate from you is to devalue you and then discard you this is nothing to do with what you have mentioned it is true that narcissists have alloplastic defenses so whenever something goes wrong whenever there's a failure or a defeat or a misfortune The Narcissist would tend to blame this on other people and when they blame other people of course they reconceive redefine refrain Photoshop the internal object that corrects the internal objects that correspond to these people so if the narcissist had failed he would tend to blame his intimate partner and he would of course modify the internal object it represents his intimate partner so as to reflect this imputed blame guilt and responsibility but this would have a temporary impact the internal object would be re-idealized following the alloplastic defense so that's a temporary thing devalue and discard are not temporary the value in the devalue and discard phase The Narcissist detaches the internal object from the external object the internal object actually remains idealized until very late in the evaluation and discard and then the narcissist um changes Alters the internal object renders it up a secretary object which legitimizes the devaluation in the Discord but devaluation in Discord is an autonomous process and every time the narcissist's life is go is gonna rise every time is failed in something not cystically narcissistically been narcissistically injured yes he's going to blame you as an intimate partner but it's not gonna last your internal object is going to be re-idealized very fast until the point where he needs to separate from you permanently and then he will devalue you irreversibly irrevocably and then discard I hope I've answered your questions and if there's anything else I can do to elucidate your tumultuous and tormenting relationships with borderlines please call upon me I have a lot of vast experience with these women and they are unusual they require depth they will require deciphering and decoding it is to your detriment if you don't if you don't understand them perfectly and deeply it's a risky proposition to form a couple become an intimate partner or even to do business with someone with borderline personality disorder and just attribute their behavior to some eccentricity or Oddity that's not the case here you need to be on your toes and alert because this can and often does and disastrously and badly and you need to be protected in advance so I'm giving you the heads up the rest is up to you foreign

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 42,133

Keywords: narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, psychopathology, therapy, relationships, abuse, spousal abuse, domestic violence, personality disorders, self, ego, object relations, psychodynamics, schizoid, borderline, psychology, psychiatry, pathology, shared fantasy, collapsed, psychopath, somatic, cerebral, snapshot, defenses, object, internal, external, sexual abuse, psychopaths, psychotherapy, personality, cluster B, DSM, compensatory, reality, bad object, persecutory object, intimate partner, drama

Id: Yc5yf4pjt5Y

Length: 28min 22sec (1702 seconds)

Published: Wed May 10 2023