What does it mean to fall in love with someone? With no personal experience to draw from in the
past, I would’ve said that love is a fluttery feeling. It’s the magical moment when a character
lays eyes on their soulmate for the first time. It’s two teens sitting awkwardly
in silence under the moonlight. It’s checking the weather report and puncturing
a hole in the tire of your family’s car to get Shirogane to share his umbrella with you on a
rainy day because you’re too insecure to just admit your feelings and ask him directly! (Are
all straight people like this?) My perspective was born through the media I consumed and the
people I observed in my personal life, but as I gradually came into adulthood, the gap between
these established expectations and my actual lived experiences continued to grow. Where I would often
see others fall in and out of love frequently, and where many stories would just assume
the development of attraction as a given, I was still waiting to be struck by
it, and when that did finally happen, it wasn’t anything remotely resembling what I
had anticipated. It was around this time that I found Bloom Into You, and because of it, I took
serious interest in the concept of aromanticism. This idea that I might have simply lacked the
ability to perceive romantic attraction entirely seemed closer to the truth than the self-image
I had created through past observations. Some of you may have even watched my original
video posted right as the anime was wrapping up in which I tried to dig into this topic.
It’s not perfect, in fact it barely scratches the surface of the matter, but it meant
everything to me at the time. I had finally found an answer for why I wasn’t falling in
love with anyone! For why I couldn’t relate to romantic media! For why I didn’t understand
dating or flirting or sex appeal! After years of general confusion and feeling excluded from
this all-inclusive club people called “romance,” I finally figured out why I didn’t fit
in...and why I would always be alone.
So why did that make me feel empty?
Why then...was I still sad?
If you've seen that past Bloom project, some
of what I'm about to say might sound familiar, but for the sake of painting a more complete
picture in this piece, I need to revisit that material. In the past, I said that I read Koito
Yuu as aromantic, and that Maki, her classmate, contrasted her as the “theoretical
notion of a complete lack of attraction.” In a sense, that’s correct, but it’s a rather
black-and-white way of framing the discussion. While many of Yuu's hangups act as effective
visualizations for what going through the motions without the spark is like, her mentality is what
ultimately distinguishes her from an aro person. In the opening shot, she reaches for a light
she can’t grasp, symbolic of the dazzling love portrayed in shojo manga and song lyrics
that she doesn’t possess within herself. Directly engaging with this emotion she doesn’t
feel only reminds her that she’s numb to it, her actions exposing a dark, cold, colorless
void in her heart. This anxiety arises from the contrast between idealized social expectations
and her own reality. She anticipates the fluttery feeling that most seem to experience easily,
doesn’t get it, then feels obligated to develop the feeling in line with her peers. Her apathy
isn’t sourced from trauma or anything hostile, it’s just part of her personality. Not only
is Yuu stated to be indecisive several times throughout the story, but she is also considered
a very tolerant and stubborn person, so it would be reasonable to assume that her dealings with
romance tie into that. When she gets begrudgingly dragged into something, like her middle school
baseball team, she commits wholeheartedly to it, so much like how Nanami Touko flips from loving
no one to loving the one person who also claims to not experience love, Yuu develops an interest
in Touko as someone who could potentially draw love out of herself. The fact that she wants to
experience “the other side” of that affection is enough to show that she is capable of it, but
there’s a disconnect. Where Touko’s love is quick, Yuu’s is a slow burn. She has to work for
it, and because she wants to know love, she’s all the more determined to see where
Touko’s flirting leads her. This is where I stand by my original video in saying that Yuu’s
arc works as a strong jumping off point for discussions of aromanticism. Like many things,
however, romantic feelings are not a binary, and failing to account for this spectrum
led me to oversimplify my conclusion.
This is what makes Maki’s role as Yuu’s foil
so valuable. He is the spectator in a theater, the fan in the stands of a sports game. He doesn’t
desire affection for or from others, and he’s not repulsed by his peers expressing attachment
to each other so long as he’s not involved. If anything, he admires people who can do what he
can’t, supporting them from the sidelines without contempt or jealousy. He doesn’t mind being out of
the loop, and the story doesn’t demonize him for this. He isn’t treated like a broken person who
needs to be “fixed.” He doesn’t get forced into a relationship. He’s just a dude, and while his
lack of attraction is used as a narrative tool, it’s never portrayed as a negative trait. The only
time he’s ever cast in a potentially harmful light is when he accidentally discovers Yuu and
Touko’s secret, which leads Yuu to fear he might out them and damage Touko’s reputation.
Thankfully, though, this never comes to pass, because Maki isn’t manipulative. He’s a kind
friend, someone comfortable with who he is, and without his advice, Yuu might not have gotten
her happy ending. The scene at the batting cages in chapter 39 is one I come back to a lot. After
Yuu finally opens up to her emotions and upends her prior dynamic with Touko, she tries to retreat
from the pain of what she assumes is rejection. She figures she should just try to enjoy love
as a spectator, it’s not something for her after all - but in saying what she does, she trivializes
Maki’s perspective. After striking out, she pretends she can just take a seat in the stands as
if she never played, but what does that say of the people in the stands? What does that say of the
other players? This scene is part of why I wanted to readdress aromanticism in this video, because
when Maki tells Yuu that they are not the same, he also seems to say “my way of life is
not something you can just escape to.” It is not a solution to your problem. Aro people experience their own type of erasure
when they’re told things like “you just haven’t found the right person, you’ll fall in love one
day.” Someone running away from their emotions after a big rejection by simply saying, “I can just be the same as you,” sounds like an insult to the unique struggles of aro people...and that’s
exactly what I feel like I’ve been doing.
Maki is aromantic, that much is obvious, but to
say that Yuu is just as aro as Maki is clearly wrong. Core to this mistake in judgement was
my own identity and the fact that I kinda project onto the cast of Bloom Into You. At the
time, aromanticism was still fairly new to me, and Yuu was a character who faced a similar
barrier to love as I did, so if I had believed myself to be aro, and Yuu was the character
who led me to that realization, surely she must be aro as well. But that was merely the
first stage of my journey. 13 anime episodes had flipped my worldview on its head, but I had
yet to properly realign that vision. Now that I understand myself better, I’m able to correct that
bias and take the conversation further. Of course, saying that Yuu is capable of feeling romantic
attraction does not mean she can’t still be some shade of gray-aro. If I was really committed
to labels, I’d say that “demiromantic” would be more applicable to what we see of Yuu (and some
of my commenters would agree). In the beginning, she doesn’t reciprocate Touko’s feelings, but
as Yuu warms up to her, feelings begin to bloom. She takes note of Touko’s appearance, but it’s not
the primary detail she invests in. Without first building an emotional bridge between herself and
Touko, Yuu cannot recognize that affection exists, let alone how she should handle it.
That’s also how I would describe myself, though I’ve grown to realize this is one of
those cases where having a label for how I feel doesn’t really help me understand or convey how
I feel. There was a point when knowing of such labels exposed me to new ways of thinking, but
now I’ve had time to process that knowledge. Terms like transgender and asexual cut to
the heart of things I can’t always explain, but demiromantic? I guess it’s accurate, but
personally, it doesn’t carry much weight. I think it’s just easier to say I struggle with
making connections, platonic or otherwise. I want to be liked by everyone, but I'm always putting barriers between myself and others. There are some people who I’ve interacted with
for years that I’ve never become mutuals with, some mutuals who I should probably consider
friends yet don’t, and then there are friends who I still keep at arm’s length. I could probably
count on one hand the friends I’m willing to open up to, and even then it depends. I don’t know when
or where this mentality started, but I’ve gotten terrified of burning bridges with people. There’s
a part of me that believes someone’s going to hurt me if I let them get too close, so I prevent
most people from getting that chance. It would probably be healthier for me to tone that back
a bit, though that’ll be easier said than done, but I’ve also come to accept that as part of
who I am. I don’t really want to be the kind of person who trusts everyone. I want to warm up
to new friends organically. I want to be somewhat skeptical of the people I associate with. Even if
I recognize that some change will be a good thing, I’m otherwise comfortable with this side of
myself, and that’s what makes love so confusing to me. “I’ve always lived like this, keeping
a comfortable distance. Up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.”
In the first video, I made a
comment about relating to both Yuu and Touko in confusingly conflicting ways,
which, in hindsight, should’ve made it pretty obvious that the conversation wasn’t over. Let’s
unpack that sentiment! Nanami Touko is a girl uncertain of who she is and who she wants to
become. After the death of her older sister, she dons a mask of perfection resembling her
own idealized image of her late sibling, but in copying that likeness, her own sense of self is
obscured. The old Touko was timid, unremarkable, but by performing a character other than herself,
she could become special. Touko loved her sister immensely, so much so that she had nothing left
for herself, but that adoration came from a limited viewpoint. For Touko to be flawless,
the sibling she idolized had to be flawless, and if the latter was untrue, the
former would be reduced to nothing. What value is there to an empty void?
Unlike Yuu, Touko’s conception of love is informed by childhood trauma rather than her natural
inclinations, which distinguishes her from a similar aromantic reading. For one character,
learning to love is the crux of her arc. For the other, love is a means through which her arc
develops. Touko does not respect her own identity, so the prospect of someone else cherishing
something she hates makes her uncomfortable. Such a development would challenge her
performance and attack that sensitive wound, which is why she falls for Yuu the second it’s
stated that Yuu is incapable of loving anyone. Yuu is the only exception to Touko’s fear. While
those who sought Touko out were rejected for even making an attempt, she connects to Yuu
through a mutual sense of emotional apathy, and because Yuu is the type of person to be led
into things, Touko is able to take the initiative. This event being what kickstarts the story puts
Touko in an active romantic role from the outset, so from an aromantic lens, she mainly served
as the outsider contrasting Yuu. That’s not to dismiss any and all correlations between mental
health and emotional development, of course. As is evidenced by Touko, core personality traits
can be altered by the trauma people experience. Romantic attraction is not above that. However,
even if her outlook once mirrored the perspective of aromanticism, the existence of others alongside
her, such as Yuu and Maki, lends weight to her potential place in the discussion. Touko’s
emotional hang ups might have been solvable, her inability to feel attraction a passing phase,
but that is not the case for someone like Maki. Touko’s apathy stemming from abnormal causes does not invalidate the natural demiromanticism of Yuu. Most importantly, these circumstances do not
problematize the relationship of Yuu and Touko in their own right. So with that said, here’s
a natural segue to Hunter x Hunter!
Much like Gon and Killua, Yuu and Touko’s
relationship can be seen as a precarious one based on miscommunication and greed, but
naturally that’s only one side of the coin. Touko telling Yuu not to fall in love with her is
selfish and bordering on abusive, but Yuu lying about not pursuing that possibility is dishonest
and distrustful. Thankfully, paralleling the boys once again, the two are grounded by a constructive
belief in each other. Even the flawed phase of their relationship was still full of warm,
sentimental moments. They avoid falling into toxicity because leaning on each other allowed
them to better actualize their own identities. People are complex, so attempting to view anything from a pure “light and dark” framework is going to miss context. This is particularly interesting
through the lens of demi romanticism, because it highlights the struggle people can go through to
discover those emotions within themselves. What happens when feelings are one-sided? Accepting
someone else’s feelings could lead to love, that person could end up wasting time with
someone who they’re incompatible with - a result which itself could make or break a friendship
- or nothing could change. Wouldn’t that be a fascinating outcome! What happens if someone
is willing to tolerate the love of another without reciprocating those feelings? A key flaw
with Yuu and Touko’s early relationship was a lack of proper communication, but with an open
dialogue, two people can just as easily coexist without mutual affection. One might call that a
queerplatonic relationship, "more than friends, less than lovers." Yuu’s tolerance
allowed her to entertain Touko’s desires, provided consent was given. Her stubbornness
kept her testing the limits of her own desires, something which her lovestruck partner clearly was
not opposed to. In the hypothetical scenario where Yuu doesn’t eventually fall in love, however,
who's to say the pair couldn’t still enjoy each other’s presence? Provided Touko’s happiness
never came at Yuu’s expense, the two could still elevate each other. Platonic connections can
just as easily rival the bonds of mutual love, and on a related note, there are other kinds
of love beyond romance, such as that between family. It’s a conversation that goes well
beyond the scope of a single piece of media, but the conversation has to start somewhere,
and for me, Bloom Into You was the start.
For context, I’ve never dated anyone, but I
have had two crushes before. In both cases, I was basically kinda like Yuu in that it took
me a few months of being around the other person to start noticing I was interested, but the
two experiences were largely polar opposites. I said nothing the first time, so I didn’t even
give myself the closure of a rejection, but I did end up distancing myself from that person, so
it’s not like I was actively trying to cling to unrequited feelings. Without that catharsis,
though, my inaction haunted me for a while. The lesson I learned from that was to be honest
with my emotions and accept rejection when it happens, so when my second crush turned me down, I assumed that would be my closure. After the initial emotional impact, I was ready to return to being single and indifferent until that familiar feeling burned within me again, but that’s not what happened. It feels weird saying I’ve had a hard time “getting over” these crushes, because
in neither case were we ever an item - what was there to get over? Better yet, how? Through
what means could I move beyond something I had no control over? I didn’t actively choose to
develop these emotions, they just appeared, and when I made an active effort to
leave them behind, they stuck with me. I can only assume that this is where other people
might seek out relationships with strangers or acquaintances to fill the void, but the prospect
of linking myself to an unknown sounds totally backwards. How can I put my trust in someone
who hasn’t even had the chance to earn my trust? Dating apps are functionally useless to me for
that reason, and even though there’s a degree to which I feel pressured to meet an invisible
standard with this stuff, I’m ultimately fine with that. I don’t need to do what other people do.
I don’t need to understand how they can rebound from such strong emotions so quickly.
I just want to understand myself. I had already made my second confession
when I first watched Bloom Into You, and when I started equating the series to
aromanticism, I wondered if maybe what I had experienced wasn’t love but instead some
kind of weird person-specific fixation. The way I slowly developed these emotions
and fought even harder to cast them off felt unnatural - it didn’t seem to match the
romance I’d see portrayed in fiction or hear about from other people. Yuu’s story reflected
that disconnect in a way nothing else had, and yet at the same time, it wasn’t just her
story. It was also the story of Nanami Touko. The behavior of this insecure girl who cut herself
off from the world hit closer and closer to home as the plot progressed, and at first I wasn’t
sure what that meant. She was a hopeless romantic while Yuu was more detached, yet I found myself
empathizing with conflicting aspects of their personalities. My belief in pure aromanticism was
crumbling, and eventually I found myself circling back to the same problem I faced before - a lack
of comprehension. This script has gone through multiple drafts, and I’ve been processing these
thoughts since well before I started writing it, but as I try to think of where to take this,
I struggle to come up with a clear message. The labels I started with don’t seem to fit my
mindset anymore. I still don’t know what love is. I’m still alone. Was this really just a pointless
ramble? Have I learned nothing at all? When I realized I was trans about 2 years
ago, I knew that certain parts of my life would have to change. I knew that I wasn’t
satisfied with who I was, what I looked like, how I carried myself... I wanted a fresh start.
But what I’ve come to understand is that starting over isn’t as simple as being recognized
as a girl. I need to put myself in an environment better-suited to creativity and mental health,
there are personality flaws I want to correct, people I want to hang out with - throughout high
school I ignored a lot of my problems. As petty as this sounds, me always being forced to cut my hair
short as a kid was indicative of how I felt about life as a whole. If I wasn’t allowed to look the
way I wanted to look, be who I wanted to be - what point was there in caring? Why think about what
can’t be changed? Well...more recently I have been thinking. In the last few years, I’ve traveled across the country, met incredible people, exposed
myself to new perspectives and ideas - I’ve made efforts to step outside of my comfort zone,
and those endeavors have been largely positive! But because I’ve started to improve and be true
to myself, the flaws that remain sting that much more. There’s always something that can trip me up and make me question if I’ve ever really improved, and it can be tough to separate the constructive
thoughts from the destructive ones. For example, is making a YouTube video about this topic a
healthy way of getting outside of my own head? On the one hand, it at least means I’m posting A
video at a time when I’ve been struggling to do that, and venting here is at least better
than keeping my feelings locked inside. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel like my
personal musings just pale in comparison to themes I could be unpacking or heck even AMVs I could
be using to express what words fail to...bonus points to anyone who noticed
the blatant Paramore references. Surely there are alternate avenues I could pursue,
creatively or otherwise. It’s not that I look down on therapy and proper mental healthcare, it’s
just that seeking those out requires a certain amount of energy I can’t always access, which is
kind of ironic considering therapy exists to help that. If I can barely motivate myself to drive
to the grocery store for food I need to survive, where am I gonna find the energy to pursue
therapy? And what if I need to pay for it? For god’s sake, a volume of Shimanami Tasogare only
cost me like 10 bucks! That’s all the therapy I need! Let’s be honest, though, whenever
I do find the energy to pursue self-care, I’m investing in HRT first. Why go to therapy
over not being on hormones when I could just...go on hormones, y’know? I feel like I’ve talked about
how stupid the double standard I hold regarding personal content is before, but acknowledging that
hasn’t done much to make the mindset disappear. Maybe the content side of things isn’t the issue.
Maybe I’m just that insecure about saying what’s on my mind. How can I be sure that my words are
reaching anyone? Are they even reaching me? I’m not in the stands, but I don’t see myself
on the field either. Following the baseball metaphor to its natural conclusion, I guess that
would make me a bench warmer, which actually sounds more accurate than I expected. I’m
interested in playing, I have the potential to play, but I’m not actively doing so. As
a result, I have this mixed view where I can connect to both sides without fully empathizing
with either. The majority of this video has spoken of how I relate to the aromantic position, but
as I alluded to earlier, what of the others? What of...the third wheel? Well, polyamor-
Saeki Sayaka is a queen and a reminder that love can be messy even when one knows for sure what
they’re feeling. The beauty of her character is that she did nothing wrong. Though she too saw
through Touko’s facade, her fondness for the girl gave her pause in challenging the act until
it was too late. She put Touko’s burdens first and sidelined her own wants to support Touko in
the way she thought best. Sayaka was an admirable friend, and her presence had a decidedly
positive impact on Touko’s life. The tragedy of her character is that she just wasn’t the
one. By sheer happenstance, Yuu stumbled into the student council and took that spot out from
under her. An unfortunate outcome for the queen, but not without a silver lining. Her confession
closed the emotional gap between herself and Touko, strengthening their bond and freeing Sayaka
from the weight of uncertainty that held her back. One might suggest that she “lost” to Yuu in
the battle for Touko’s fancy, but it’d be hard to argue that Sayaka lost anything here. She
comes out stronger on the back of this rejection, even getting a girlfriend by the end of the manga.
Her arc is an inspiring example that crushes won't always work out for everyone, but no matter
how frustrating getting turned down might be, it’s still, ultimately, a step forward -
where silence inherently feeds stagnation. Having the courage to take that leap is
remarkable, and I don't want to detract from that by abandoning all hope in my own path.
Like the rest of the series, the final volume of the Bloom Into You manga ends with an
afterword from the author, Nakatani Nio. In this, she states, “if my work can enrich those who
create and become a building block for their creations, that’d be the happiest thing for
me. What’s created doesn’t have to be art, written work, music or video. It’d be nice if
there’s even just a drop or fragment of [Bloom] in someone’s thoughts, speech or actions.” Her
story had a consistent habit of making me cry even early on, but after having put off reading
those final few chapters for several months out of an unwillingness to leave the
relationship of Yuu and Touko behind, this message hit me almost as hard. It resonates
with me as a creative who aspires to one day leave that kind of an impact on others as
well, but purely as a reader, to say that there's a fragment of this story present in the
way I think would be an understatement. Even if I find them entertaining, I rarely find myself
relating to love stories beyond a surface level, yet Nakatani offered not one, but three
captivating characters that personally and uniquely resonated with me. I didn’t want their
stories to end, because I knew that would involve the cast reaching a point of finality that I,
currently, can’t reach. Yeah technically the Sayaka novels still exist and I haven't read them, so the journey's not quite over but...shut up! I'm making a point! Since I initially came across Bloom through the first anime episode in 2018, I’ve learned new information about myself and the kind of person I want to be, yet at the
same time, I’m left just as confused as ever. I know that I’m capable of feeling romantic
attraction, but it isn’t something that ever came easily or frequently to me. Some
days I really do connect with the aromantic perspective - not just the lack of attraction,
but the lack of any desire for attraction also. It would be so much easier to just be friends
with people, and making friends is something I still hesitate over. Why would I willingly sever
that sense of empathy with the only piece of media that seemed to share my point of view? Will
I ever manage to cross that same bridge? “Love is an expression of trust.” In the context
of the story, this quote represents one’s ability to continue admiring another person even as
they change. For Sayaka, it is an embodiment of her respect and loyalty to Touko regardless
of the mask she wore. For Touko, it gave her the courage to drop the act and have faith in
the imperfect truth that Yuu fell for. But that was never my concern. Of course people change.
I want to change myself, even. For as long as I’ve given the concept of “love” serious conscious
thought, I’ve agreed with this mentality, even if I didn’t know how to verbalize it. A significant
other is someone you trust more than anyone, someone you support through hardship and embrace through success. Someone who believes in you when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone you can
be close to physically, mentally, emotionally. Love is an expression of trust, and that trust
isn’t exclusive to romance. You can platonically trust people. You can trust people in varying
degrees, and in the case of aromantic people, that trust might simply exist independently
of love. As someone who has undoubtedly felt the fluttery flush of affection before, I can’t
honestly say that I don’t desire something mutual, but that’s not now nor has it ever been my main
concern. I’m not going to revoke my trust in someone who turned me down, because at the end of the day, friendship is equally important. Having more people I can have mutual faith in is more
valuable than having a single “special someone,” and if one of those mutuals just so happens to
become special on top of that, cool! I can’t be certain that I’ll find someone who reciprocates my
love one day, but one thing I do know right now is that I’ve made invaluable connections over the years. I’ve met people at anime conventions, collaborated on various projects, hell even just
chatted in discord calls with people from all across the world. I’m so grateful to have the
friends that I do, and I want to do a better job of conveying that. This journey has made
me realize that platonic and romantic feelings aren’t all that different, and even if there
are ways in which I don’t fully understand that, I’m learning. The ways in which humans connect
is deeply fascinating, so I will continue to seek out love stories and cheer on the romantic
endeavors of my friends from the sidelines. And if I happen to get a shot at the plate, I’ll
swing for the fences...because I know of an anime girl who was seemingly incapable of falling in
love, and things worked out pretty well for her. They’ll work out for me too. Bloom Into You is a series I’d love to keep coming back to on the channel as I’ve done with Hunter x Hunter, because there’s so many other ways to approach it beyond the
aromantic framework. Creators like Zeria, Isla Mctear, TazerLad and Under the Scope have already delved into some other areas where Bloom excels, so I’d be remiss to not mention them. This video
focused primarily on romance for obvious reasons, but that’s not the only reason I made it. I’ve
grappled with various anxieties somewhat publicly since I started this channel, and while I tend
to have mixed feelings about those more personal projects, there’s a degree to which they have
helped me sort myself out. Sure some of them could’ve used more revisions, more polish, more
time to actually process the perspective I wanted to explain - but the act of creating them
made me confront my issues in notable ways. They didn’t solve the problems - I wouldn’t be
talking like this if they had - but looking back, I can tell that I’m not the same person I used
to be. Having those bread crumbs to follow is important, because without them, I’d have no proof
that I’ve grown. My unreliable memory tends to trick me into lumping all of my personal content
together under a generic banner, but in reality, those projects are different enough to have
value existing. So as I encountered the same mental blocks for why this video shouldn't
exist, I was able to consider how I'd handled prior mistakes and use that to convince myself,
"no, here's why it should exist." Because more so than any of those past projects, thinking
of how to address this discussion helped me better understand myself and how I interact
with the people around me. As I write this, I'm still in the town where I spent the last
22 years growing up, but by the time I edit and publish this, I'll have moved out of state. The
fresh start I've been longing for is finally here, but before I can push forward, I need to confront
my past and prove to myself that I can be better. No more repressing my emotions. No more putting
off challenging topics simply out of a fear to address them. No more stagnation. This
script may have been tough to write, but I was capable of doing it. Even if my
experiences have yet to reach a definitive end point, this video had to exist now and in its
current form. That, for me, is the most fitting way to close this chapter of my life - and if, one
day, I come to new realizations about myself that aren’t reflected in this discussion, they’ll
have been formed by the people, events, media, and other things I’ve yet to encounter. I am not
Yuu or Touko or Sayaka - I am me, and while I may not have a fully realized image of my ideal self,
I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to change.
